Diary - Anger, Grace and God

Sun: scorpio (fixed water), 7:39 am - 6:29 pm
Moon: waning crescent, virgo (mutable earth), VoC
Earth: beautiful, sunny autumn day, crisp and cool but not too chilly


The shit has hit the fan, so to speak. We caught E in a direct lie about Josh's health - when we asked her what the results were from the allergy test, her response was that he was "definitely allergic." Her phrasing was circuitous enough (e.g. avoiding directly saying that's what the doctor had told her) that Jeff called the doctor himself to speak to him directly to make sure he understood the whole situation, at which point we found out that all of the test results had come back negative and the only evidence that Josh had any kind of allergy at all was E's word that he showed symptoms obviously and consistently after eating corn. (Part of her evidence, in fact, was that he shows symptoms every Monday. Obviously we can't say whether or not this is true, but if it is, it actually suggests it's not a corn allergy, since he's been on a raw vegan diet with us for months now and most definitely never has corn when he's with us on weekends. But this is just one more example of her inconsistency in reporting what exactly are his symptoms and when they show up.)

On top of the corn allergy issue (and Jerilynn's newly invented gluten intolerance, which E says explains why Jerilynn eats too much (?!)), E has taken it upon herself to insist that Jeff quit his job in order to stay in Pittsburgh, and even started job hunting for him (despite not being able to find and keep even a part-time job for herself and being entirely ignorant except for the most general terms about Jeff's skills and job qualifications). Besides all of the obvious reasons (e.g. a struggling economy) why it would be idiotic for him to quit his job and leave a career he loves on the assumption he can just find a different one.... her assumption that it's her responsibility to order Jeff's life is pretty mind-boggling.

When confronted with all of this directly - especially after the blatant lying, which made Jeff the angriest I've ever seen him - she justified her behavior and even claimed that she hadn't lied. She emailed him earlier today saying that they were going to have a talk when he dropped off the kids and he better be prepared to "stay for a while." He wrote back saying that he was too angry to talk to her right now and that he would email her. Unfortunately, this weekend we'd happened to borrow the van so that all of us could attend a boy scout event of Josh's, so when we arrived to drop off the kids and the van and pick up Jeff's car - she was sitting on top of it in an attempt to ambush us and force us into talking. At first she tried to sweet-talk Jeff, saying (in a double lie) that she'd only wanted to say one quick thing, and that was that she thought the plan for the move (which she had vehemently objected to via email) was actually a great idea. Both of these things were direct contradictions to things she had said in emails earlier. When we repeated that we weren't interested in talking to her right now and we would be communicating through email, her mood suddenly swung in the opposite direction. (I thought our response was pretty restrained, since we didn't point out that she had ambushed us, knowing we were angry with her and still ignoring our explicitly stated wishes, and then lied to us right in front of the kids.) She said with angry sarcasm, "What a great example to set for the kids!" (who, if she hadn't decided to corner us right in front of them, would never have even known whether we were emailing or calling), and then turned on the kids are snapped at them to get inside. Speaking of great examples....

I am, admittedly, very angry and still a bit shaken up. Her audacity in lying to us continues to compound every time she gets caught in another one, and her manipulative behavior I could never imagined would have gotten to the point of literally trying to prevent us from physically being able to leave (though, after all, this was the woman who broke into our apartment and then used it as a reason that we might as well give her a key so she wouldn't have to next time, so.... I guess I shouldn't be surprised).

Jeff and I have decided to try a strategy recommended to us by some folks who also have experience with high-drama exes over child custody issues. It's called "low-contact," and there are ten basic rules. It mostly involves making sure that all communication is written and documents, brief and to the point with no room for vagueness or exploitation. There are some recommendations that we're not sure how to handle - for instance, always making exchanges of the kids in public places where the ex can't make a scene or ambush you - but we can work that out somehow.

Reading the list of recommended strategies, I could definitely see some areas where I've been responding or reacting in ways that weren't helpful and that just fed into E's need to create drama and conflict. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself about that, and just resolve to do better in the future and keep my own anger at her in check. I think I got sucked into seeing things from her perspective - not so much agreeing with her, but thinking of the kids as some sort of project that needed to be carefully watched and controlled and protected from negative influences. The other night on the phone, I found myself telling my mother how it was hard to just let things go - especially lies that E tells to the kids - because it wasn't about Jeff or me at all, but about what was best for the kids and that was our end goal: do what is best for the kids. But of course, that's exactly the story E tells herself - that she needs to lie or manipulate others in order to protect the kids and do what's best for them. But ends don't justify the means. Compromising on personal values is not helpful for the kids, no matter what the end result might be. And I don't want to be the kind of person who is always angry and on the defensive and obsessing over all the ways their other care-givers are "doing it wrong." That's just playing E's game. And it's not a game I want to play anymore.

The thing is - last night I prayed to God. I was restless and angry and couldn't sleep, and I just kept arguing with E in my head repeating the same tirades over and over..... Finally, I just closed my eyes and prayed to God - not a god, but God, the god I knew in my childhood, the god I'd grown up knowing as the Christian god, the one who was in some way I never quite understood related to Jesus and his love and sacrifice. And I asked God to help me to find clarity and peace, and most of all to discover in myself the place where I could trust in Love and surrender to that trust and be the better person that I so much wanted to be. And almost immediately, I felt a wave of relaxation sweep over me and soon fell right asleep. And today... well, it's been stressful, yes, especially the confrontation with E. But I do still feel a certain among of clarity, even despite the stress. And that clarity is mostly about myself, and the things that I could be doing better and the ways that I can reclaim that center of myself that's sustained me for so long. That's why I trust it. It wasn't suddenly some clarity about how awful everyone else was or how they could be doing better - it was a way through to my own core, my own center. It wasn't judgement. It was grace.

And that sounds very Christian, I guess. But I still believe in all the things I've always believed in as a Pagan, I still believe that there are many gods and that the world is alive and thriving with beings of all kinds. It's just.... I'm thinking maybe I was too hasty to try to abandon the god of my childhood just because he got slapped with a Christian label before I knew any better. I no longer think of him as the only god, but.... I don't know. Maybe he's still my god, if that makes any sense. Or, at least, one of them. In the somewhat lackadaisical liberal Christianity I grew up with, there was a real relationship there that grew not out of dogma but out of my own self, my own center. And it nourished me and nurtured me and guided me well. Then I learned more about Christianity and understood I could not be Christian in good conscience.... but maybe I assumed that meant I couldn't have that relationship anymore because I'd always assumed it was a Christian one. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe that doesn't matter. It feels sort of like... coming home, the prodigal son.

Or maybe it was a coincidence. I don't know. But I think I want to see where it leads. To allow myself to pray to "God" as I knew him, and see where it takes me. I guess we'll see.

Diary Tarot Card

What insight can you give me tonight to help me find the clarity I seek?

At first, it seems that Temperance (XIV) is a block to the energy flow in the spread. Both the Page of Cups and the Two of Wands face towards the right, towards the future and the realm of activity in the external world; yet Temperance faces towards the right, towards the inner world and the past, where memory and intuition alike reside. After this first impression, though, the spread seems to suggest another interpretation - Temperance as a balance point between two opposites, the watery realm of Cups and the fiery realm of Wands. Even in the card itself, fire and water mingle in a spiraling yin-yang, dancing outward as dragon and phoenix as the angel of Temperance looks on.

So what, then, does Temperance balance? On the left, the Page of Cups is a card of intuition and innocent dreams, a connection to the deep waters of the unconscious where imagination and wisdom are born. The figure (as the artist describes) seeks out a place of quiet solitude where she might contemplate the golden shining reflections in her cup - listening to the still small voice of her intuition and giving free rein to her dreams and inspiration. On the right, the Two of Wands is a card of eager action, looking with attention and energy towards the future. The female figure sits upon her companion, a lion of strength and courage, perched on a high rock outcropping, over-looking the lands of her ancestors and (as the artist describes) imagining what great deeds she might accomplish now that those lands have passed on to her. She looks forward to all the great things she might manifest in the world with the resources available to her, and in her solitary stillness she makes plans and imagines possibilities. Both of these cards are concerned with the future, but those futures concern different realms - the inner and the outer. While the Two of Wands is a figure of strength and courage who is willing to act on her dreams in order to accomplish great things, the Page of Cups is a figure of receptivity and mystery who is willing to quiet her own thoughts in order to explore the realms of the unseen and the only-half-imagined.

Temperance in the center is a card of balance, but not only that. It is a card of dynamic and harmonious balance - in which opposites are brought into a dance with one another, rather than being restricted or arrested in a binding compromise. Temperance is a card of process, and the process is one of balance and harmonious relationship. Both the Page of Cups and the Two of Wands have their vulnerabilities. The Page of Cups is still a young woman, not yet risen to the wisdom of a queen, and her withdrawal into herself to seek her intuition and the inspiration of her dreams can too easily become an excuse for idle fantasy and naive, wishful thinking. On the other hand, the Two of Wands is a card of action and eagerness, at just the start of the journey, but the power of the will can become too outwardly-focused, resulting in rigid willfulness and stagnation which is isolated from the intuitive wisdom that could give it direction and focus. In both cases, a dynamic balance between the two are necessary to give each card's energies limits and boundaries in which to work most effectively.

Yet Temperance faces towards the Page of Cups on the left. In the end, I think this reading indicates that I have moved too much to the right, towards the energies of will and action of the Two of Wands, and that to find that healthy dynamic balance I would do best to look "to the past" and allow myself more of the solitude and stillness I once had, in which to find the time and space to listen more deeply to my own intuition and explore my own dreams. Perhaps this choice might put me at the risk of appearing foolish or naive, too much of a day-dreamer, to those who are eager to judge me as immature, just a silly page. Maybe this is where the courage and strength of the Two of Wands can serve me well - in being willing to be vulnerable in that way, and to more courageously seek out the solitude and quiet that I know my own soul truly needs at times.

Gender Identity Issues in Dianic Ritual

Sun: pisces (water/mutable), 6:57am - 6:09pm
Moon: waning crescent, capricorn (earth/cardinal)
Earth: warmer today and sunny for the most part, and now a thunderstorm has moved in (complete with lightning) and it's supposed to rain all night


I need to go to bed, and this will not be a proper diary post, but I wanted to record a post I made to Facebook today regarding an issue reported on The Wild Hunt about a Dianic ritual held at PantheaCon that excluded transgender women from participating, and the protest-ritual and open discussion forum held in response.

Today's Wild Hunt post was the first time I heard anything about the transgender-exclusionary Dianic ritual held at PantheaCon and the controversy and conversation it stirred up. I wonder if friends here on FB would care to weigh in with the ideas and opinions?

I've been reading an on-going conversation on one of the Pagan forums I belong to, and the main issue seems to be the lack of communication, that the ritual wasn't marked as "cisgender-women only" beforehand and, when it was specified (by turning people away at the door), the phrase "women born women" was used, which has derogatory connotations. There's been a lot of debate about the nature of religious freedom/discrimination at a public convention, the pros and cons of allowing Mystery traditions to hold rituals that may exclude or offend others, whether or not Dianic traditions are inherently bigoted or discriminatory, etc.

So here's where I'm coming from: I am (if I'm understanding the terms right) a cissexual female with no particular feelings one way or another about my gender. I believe in a kind of non-literalish reincarnation and, for that reason, I have worked during this particular lifetime to appreciate being embodied in a way that is biologically female, approaching it as a sacred thing with lessons to teach me (even when those lessons are sucky "you're going to be too ill and in pain to move for two or three days every month" kinds of lessons). But still, when I indulge in more typically "feminine" behavior and dress, it often feels somewhat like a playful engagement in identity-creation that I (and I alone) can step into and out of if/when I like, but that no one else has a right to impose on me. Since I kind of shrug my shoulders about gender, I've never been remotely drawn to "women's Mysteries" and find myself uncomfortable around groups that have that focus because they don't speak to me (kind of like being the only person who doesn't speak fluent French in a Parisian café) - but I don't begrudge them their right to explore such mysteries in a private ritual space or within a tradition with less fluid gender boundaries than what I'm comfortable with. All of that is my background....

These are the points where I'm finding myself a bit stuck about this PantheaCon situation, though:

(a) Even though I consider myself a feminist, and I feel relaxed about sexual- and gender-identity fluidity, and I try my best to be compassionate and supportive of people's right to self-identity definition and creation.... I haven't spent much time formally studying feminism and feminist philosophy. I did not know until even a few months ago that such a word as "cisgender" even existed, and I find that I'm still uncertain in some contexts what it's being used to mean. There seems to be an almost endless vocabulary for speaking about sexuality and gender-identity, and often it's difficult to know which words are currently acceptable, and which have become taboo, and which are in the process of being reclaimed. I did not know that "woman born woman" was derogatory, and in fact, I'd never even heard it - but I know I've probably used similar phrasings (such as the long-winded, clinical-sounding: "someone born biologically female who identifies as female") when I was unsure if there was an appropriate word for that concept or what that word might be. (Although I understand the desire to create gender-neutral pronouns, when I hear people using "ze" and "zir," I still flinch (on a visceral, auditory level) at how similar it sounds to racist, stereotyped imitations of non-native English speakers' "dialect" (eg. a racist stereotype of an Italian saying, "Ze Pope-a! Ze is so-a nice-a!").) People in the forums have complained about the "dogwhistle" use of the Dianic group's name ("Amazon").... but to someone outside of the world of formal feminist studies, many of these specialized terms feel very similar. Often, the language being cultivated and utilized among those who care most deeply about these issues seems to be evolving and changing so rapidly, that a person like myself who is unfamiliar with all the "lingo" feels excluded from the conversation simply because I am so uncertain what to say or how my words will be interpretted. I have had best friends stop speaking to me for making missteps in terminology that I was unaware of even having made. For me, this brings up the real heart of this issue: wanting to be an accepting, open-minded person (heck, even *actually being* an accepting, open-minded person), doesn't guarantee that someone will be familiar with specialized language. So how do we overcome that gap, especially in large public settings? How can we strive for inclusive language that doesn't, by the very nature of its specialization, grow increasingly exclusive in nature? I'd love to hear people (especially those more familiar with these language issues) weigh in on this.

(b) As a Pagan, I strive to move away from spirit/body dualities and to grapple with the Mystery of embodied spirit or soul, i.e. spirit that arises or emerges from physical existence, rather than merely being a "ghost in the machine" that happens to reside in it. On the other hand, as human beings I also think our experience of physical reality is shaped overwhelmingly by our self-awareness and by our creativity, meaning that physical reality is fluid and responsive and can be shaped by the very awareness/soul that arises from it. I'm wondering how this factors into this conversation on Dianic tradition and those who object to it. A lot of the conversation I've seen on the forums rejecting Dianic tradition as bigoted or discriminatory utilizes language about how a transgendered person can feel "born into the wrong body" - but this language seems to take for granted some kind of idea that the spirit/soul/mind is separate from the body and can get stuck in a "machine" that doesn't feel right. While I totally support people in choosing how to describe their own experiences and wouldn't want to say such a description is "wrong," it doesn't make much sense to me trying to work with a worldview that does not rely on spirit/body dualism. Since Pagans are a small minority of the overall population, I would guess that Pagans are also probably a minority of those who identify as transgender, which means descriptions of the transgender experience might be shaped by Abrahamic/monotheistic assumptions..... Are there Pagans out there who have found ways to talk about the transgender experience that do not rely on this kind of dualism? Or does it seem that the transgender experience itself actually appears to confirm this kind of dualism between spirit/mind and body? Or am I totally misunderstanding these explanations?

Daily Diary

Sun: aquarius (air/fixed), 7:33am - 5:33pm
Moon: waning crescent, sagittarius (fire/mutable)
Earth: snow. for the past three days, steady snow layering in slush and ice (hovering in the low 30s), punctuated by moments of sunshine through the clouds

Thoughts: thinking some more about a plan for the next several years in terms of building a career; had a conversation with Jeff over lunch about increasing my skill set for the contractor work I'm doing, including taking an online course in transcription and possibly some tutorials in one or more computer scripts; also, thinking about the revamped website and what I would include, how I would organize it and what its purpose would be (to showcase my writing and my author "persona" while distancing myself from the "passive-ist" stigma that's cropped up due to my writing on P+P, also to expand my audience beyond "Pagans" to include broader interest in earth- and nature-spiritualities)

Actions: slow morning getting going again (after two days off to focus on wedding stuff and website/writing stuff), spent some time singing and crying over Egypt and political angst; brainstorming ideas for new website; late lunch with Jeff, then several hours of contractor work; took a half-hour break to take a walk through the woods in late afternoon; after dinner, sat down to revise the LotS Imbolc ritual to post to the forum

Connections: feeling really good about the work I did for LotS once again; it seems silly to worry so much about internet/FB stuff when the work I do with this group always feels so focused and satisfying (and free of the stigma that I am inherently unreasonable/extreme because I'm a pacifist); I do very much enjoy writing ritual and working through meditations with this group; also, it brings me closer to my goddess, for which I am incredibly grateful; also dealing with some of the old sorrow over politics after reading a depressing article this morning about the news of protests in Egypt and VP Biden's reaction to it (basically that freedom and democracy serve economic interests, not the other way around, and should only be granted if they don't threaten the regime stability of our allies); Ani's "Next Bold Move" got me through that one with only a few tears, but afterward, it felt good to allow sorrow to be sorrow, and not try to justify it or reason it away through bickering

Daily Tarot Card: The Ace of Cups signifies the gifts offered by the mysterious depths of emotion and intuition, and the reflective perceptions and perspective to be gained from engaging deeply and authentically in our nonrational selves, exploring our dreams and creative longings. It is a card of gladness and blessings, signifying emotional fulfillment and enjoyment not from any concrete gain but from feeling ourselves more in tune with the rhythms and currents of life.

What two gifts does the Ace of Cups offer to me now? To the left: The Tower (XVI) signifies a sudden and shaking confrontation with truth and reality in all its complexity and unpredictability. A sharp change in perspective that may bring dreams or plans crashing down, the gift of the Tower offered by the Ace of Cups might be a deeper exploration of the shadow self, the nonrational and irrational aspects that have been hushed up and shuffled aside for the sake of "more important" plans, and now reassert themselves with a vengeance, demanding attention and reconciliation. This is a card of consequences and deeper integration in the face of difficulty and sometimes tragedy. Perhaps as a gift of the Ace of Cups, the sorrow or grief of the Tower is itself a gift, a flowing-over of emotion into expression, helping to cleanse and find renewal.

To the right: the Six of Pentacles, a card of mutual support and generosity, spiraling through a cycle of self-sustaining life and giving. Success has led to prosperity that is now poured out for others in need, watering the thirsty ground so that others may drink and grow, and in turn offer their support and generosity to others. This card is one that indicates the wise and compassionate sharing of resources and gifts with others, not merely as a superior benefactor to the lowly and needy, but as one who is in the midst of cultivating those gifts with the support and encouragement of others around us. As a gift of the Ace of Cups, we experience the emotional and spiritual fulfillment in witnessing in a very visceral, manifest way the ways in which we are all connected in a cycle of generosity, prosperity and charity to others. Unlike the Tower, which may have consolidated resources to build higher and higher towards a particular purpose, the Six of Pentacles seems to celebrate the sharing and gift-giving as a distribution and diffusion of resources among all so that all may benefit. The cycle of giving and support may even be more important than the specifics of the gifts themselves in some ways. This, again, reflects the themes of gladness and connection in the Ace of Cups, as well as reflecting that aspect of dreams and ideals that can guide us even when they seem impractical. The Six of Pentacles shows us that such generosity is the height of practicality, when gifts are giving gladly and joyfully to others as an expression of our relationship and connection.

Daily Diary

Days of Note: New Year's Day

Sun: capricorn (earth/cardinal), 7:43am - 5:04pm
Moon: waning crescent, sagittarius (fire/mutable)
Earth: mild and rainy all day, the past two days are from the front moving up the coast last week that brought a blizzard to some of the southern states and all that wind on our drive back from DC

Thoughts: thinking about my article on US tax law and trying to find a way to add "personal interest" to it as per editor's suggested revisions; conversation about parents centered on the news this morning that Emily is, in fact, pregnant, and how this will affect the kids' finances and home life in the future (and Jeff and my frustration at their short-sightedness and selfishness); of course, we're confused as to how Emily could have blamed her outburst the other week on hormones due to birth control if she's more than a month pregnant - it doesn't add up; personally, I'm expecting some kind of exaggeration in one or several aspects of what they're telling us (since Emily can't keep news to herself to save her life, I'm pretty sure that she only just found out, and so I'm a little worried that she's not even sure she's pregnant and hasn't been to a doctor about it yet, and that it may be a false alarm or something similar - in which case, already telling the kids may have been a bad move); regardless, Jeff and I do plan to consult a lawyer in the spring to get a better grip on exactly how our marriage will change the financial situation with the kids, and to find out what recourse we have to the courts if Emily continues to shirk her financial responsibilities as joint custodian of the kids); talked a lot with my dad about grad school ideas and maybe eventually pursuing something at UFL; I find myself getting quite excited about the idea, though it's still at least a couple years away; talked with mom about our plans for next weekend's trip to NC for the wedding expo and getting all that set and ready

Actions: wrote a blog post about the new year for the wedding blog in the morning, got some contractor work done in the late morning and afternoon before dinner; spent time with the kids (opening their presents from my parents); long phone call with my parents after lunch to wish them a happy new year; conversation about kings in ancient history over dinner; got a response back about my article for W&P, the editor wants me to add some "personal interest" to the piece and I'm not sure how I'd go about doing that....

Connections: lots of talking and discussion today, and Big Life Topics on the brain about the future and what it may hold; in general, although a lot of it is stressful, I'm feeling less stressed frustrated about it now that I can admit to myself that the hardest part is not having very much control over how other people behave, and trying to trust more in the Universe to make sure the people we love do all right and manage to thrive despite the imperfections of those around them (including us); it's nice to have a job where I can escape from all this heavy thinking into relative monotony and still feel like I'm accomplishing something and earning a livelihood (it does make me wonder if the stress of not working was partly due to having too much time on my hands that I spent worrying about things beyond my control - oh, the irony!)

Daily Tarot Card: The Three of Pentacles is a card of teamwork and cooperation, as well as of manifestation of the spiritual in the concrete, material realm. Our work is underway, and we bring all our skills and talents and knowledge to the task at hand. We see the results of our craft and patience coming along nicely, blossoming in beauty that holds significance and staying power. Yet we also understand that our work is intricately tied up with the relationships we have and which sustain us; we rest on the shoulders of those who support us and our work, and we work together with others to accomplish our tasks. Because of this teamwork with others, we may need more patience, planning and compromise, but the work that results is worth the effort. (My note: I think this may be giving me advice about how to deal with this article, suggesting that I take the editor's advice and do my best to make the necessary revisions, seeing it not as a "dumbing down" of my work but a challenge to make it even more accessible to readers. Quite a challenge, and one that will require me to do more digging and interviewing and contacting others.... but hopefully it will be worth it.)

Daily Diary

Days of Note: New Year's Eve Day

Sun: capricorn (earth/cardinal), 7:43am - 5:03pm
Moon: waning crescent, sagittarius (fire/mutable)
Earth: quite mild and damp, almost in the 60s, rainy in the morning then sunny in the afternoon, smell of mud and damp earth, scent of moist spring in the air almost

Thoughts: mostly focused on work, especially in the morning, and trying to stay grounded in a relaxed, pleasant frame of mind; later in the afternoon, Jeff and I spent some time talking about the kids' education and the benefits of having trained teachers with lots of experience to give us feedback (which is something we don't really have now, with Emily just doing homeschooling); after the divination reading, we spent a lot of time talking about astrology and the meanings of the different houses and how they interact with each other; forgot to mention this the other day, I think - but I've been thinking more about maybe going back to grad school for a Masters or PhD, the University of Florida has a "Nature and Religion" program and the main professor there wrote the book my brother got me for Christmas, I "friended" him on FB and wrote to Nathan asking his opinion of the program (he says from what he knows it's a very reputable, solid program)... so that's been on my mind a bit the last few days, too, though I certainly can't pursue anything for the next few years

Actions: visit to Panera in the morning to get some work done, but unfortunately my stomach was off and uncomfortable, so we headed home for lunch; after lunch, a few more hours of contractor work, running into some frustration with a slow connection towards the end; before dinner, Jeff and I took a nice walk in the woods during twilight (found a stone for my end of Lesson 2 exercise); then dinner and an episode of Buffy (one that sparked some less than happy memories for Jeff that we then spent some time talking about - Buffy as therapy, oh yeah); then, I spent several hours doing a (fairly simple) New Years ritual thanking my gods and guides for their presence this past year and asking for their blessings and support in the year to come, as well as making offerings and pouring libations for them (in particular, Brigid Star-Fire), followed by an in-depth divination reading using tarot cards in the astrological spread (one card for each of the twelve houses), which took hours to interpret - and I'm still not done!

Connections: unfortunately, for most of the day my stomach was giving me problems and pangs, the "sour stomach" that feels like too much acid and not enough to digest; not sure why, but applesauce, bananas and tums seemed to help a bit; otherwise, trying to keep my negativity in check a bit and focus on the wonderful and beautiful aspects of my life, which is working really well; I feel more relaxed and free than I have been recently, and the ritual went really well, probably because it was so simple and improvised and I could just sit, center and speak from my heart

Daily Diary

Sun: capricorn (earth/cardinal), 7:43am - 5:02pm
Moon: waning crescent, scorpio (water/fixed)
Earth: chilly and wet, freezing rain most of the day leaving sheets of black ice everywhere

Thoughts: trying to relax and "go with the flow," give myself permission to have a holiday and not stress about work too much (especially not until I get my next check, since it's been incredibly long in coming); keeping in mind the tarot reading from yesterday about not dwelling too much on the negative and hardships, and instead appreciating what energies available; also trying to stay mindful of my energy levels and my connection to the earth and its energies; thought a lot about the various astrological meanings of what will be going on in the next few years

Actions: grocery store trip in the morning, followed by some time mid-morning working on a glass painting painting project to see how it would turn out (now letting it dry); leisurely lunch followed by a few hours of contractor work; before and after dinner, spent some time going through photographs for nice full-color seasonal pictures to go in the Pagan Calendar 2011, then spent time designing the cover for the calendar; while researching holidays to put in, Jeff discovered some interesting astrological goings-on, which spurred me to an investigation of what my planets and stars will be doing during 2011

Connections: the day ended up being quite productive, even though I had initially thought to relax and "take the day off"; this is pretty ironic considering the stuff I learned about ascendant and 6th house in astrology as it pertains to daily routines and schedules - I tend to plan for a steady, balanced day of calm and consistent work, and instead I get swept away by passions and energetic projects (that keep me up until midnight)

Daily Diary

Sun: capricorn (earth/cardinal), 7:43am - 5:02pm
Moon: waning crescent, scorpio (water/fixed)
Earth: the high was actually above freezing today, with steady sun and clear skies and not too much wind, all in all a pretty nice day

Thoughts: a bit of restlessness to start out the day, but things got better; brainstorming about wedding plans and wedding-related to do lists, as well as some of the deeper symbolic meanings of the wedding ceremony itself and reflecting on how our Paganism will (potentially) reflect in the wedding; otherwise, felt fairly focused today with few freak-outs, which is nice

Actions: this morning, spent some time working on "Wedding Wednesday" stuff in preparation for our trip to the Wedding Expo next week; got in touch with the officiant to set up a time to meet in person; figured out our schedule for the long weekend and worked with Jeff to book our hotel room (at a big discount due to a wedding expo special, and we were able to get a suite with kitchenette which means cooking in the room and saving lots of money on eating out - yay!); looked over the budget to get an idea of how we're doing (not bad, I think); in the afternoon, spent time writing a post for the wedding blog, which quickly eventually blossomed into more-than-one post (still not finished the second part, but almost there, hopefully to post tomorrow)

Connections: felt like I got a lot done today with very little distraction; feeling the best about the writing and kinda wish I could whittle down my responsibilities so that on any given day, after my contractor work, I could spend the rest of my time working on my writing; but to do that, I'll have to first finally get the apartment how I like it (only a few rooms to go) and stay more on top of this wedding planning stuff; all in all, though, I think things are going really well and I made it through the holiday stress without too much freaking out; now for recovery time, for which regular work is actually quite enjoyable; I find myself really looking forward to putting in some solid hours tomorrow and for the rest of the week so that, come next week, I can take a few days off in a row to enjoy the expo without worrying about my hours

Daily Tarot Card: After drawing a card I have had several times before, I decided to draw several more for clarification, and also as a transition into deeper insight into the cards and practice doing multi-card spreads.

The Ace of Cups I drew first, and placed in the center. This is a card of beginnings, a gladness and enjoyment that results from a happy emotional alignment or orientation and being more deeply connected to our emotions and intuition. It offers the gift of withdrawal into dream and imagination, where we can foster and nurture healthy connections and emotional bonds both with others and with our own deeper selves.

I cut the deck again, and drew the Five of Cups, which I placed in the center directly below the Ace of Cups. Recognizing once again that the Five of Cups is a card I've drawn before, I drew two more cards from the top of the deck (without cutting), placing the first to the left and the second to the right of the Five of Cups, so that the three made a line above which the Ace of Cups rested in the center. The card to the left was the Six of Swords, and the card to the right was the Five of Wands.

The Five of Cups is a card of sorrow, grief and loss. Dreams have been set loose and have passed beyond our control, and we are left to wait and wonder what will become of them, and of us. Our journey has been difficult and sometimes painful, with many mistakes and regrets along the way. We may have a tendency to focus overly much on these causes for grief, and feel the pain acutely, even reveling in its sensuality to some degree. But there is also hope, and a chance for change and movement - some of our cups have not yet overturned, and offer us the gift of healing and emotional renewal. What is required of us is a reorientation, a new perspective and a more stubborn optimism and gratitude about those resources still readily available to us, instead of wallowing in our grief and misery.

The Six of Swords represents a journey through difficulty and challenge, overcoming strife and uncertainty as we struggle towards a new horizon and the possibilities it promises. The journey itself may be a hard one for us, or it may be a time of rest and recovery from the strains of the world that have left us feeling weakened and drained. Either way, we travel into the uncertain future that promises hope and renewal. Still, the card holds a warning as well, cautioning us against carrying with us the same harmful or unhealthy thought patterns that have caused us difficulty and sorrow in the past.

The Five of Wands is a card of playful combativeness and conflict, of energy and activity in a blur of motion and barely contained chaos. Sometimes, this card can feel like swimming against the tide, a thousand small obstacles piling up to create an unending barrage of difficulties and challenges that threaten to overwhelm us. At the same time, these challenges can be invigorating, energizing and motivating us to rise to the occasion, overcome whatever challenges we face and, in the process, discover new skills and new sources of potential that we hadn't expected or anticipated. Though the card carries a caution against allowing trivial matters to pile up or escalate into serious or dangerous conflict, it is also a card of movement and change that can bring about success and renewal.

Visually, the layout of this spread raises some interesting insights. The four cards are spread in a kind of wide-based pyramid, with the Ace of Cups at the apex and the three cards (from left to right: Six of Swords, Five of Cups, Five of Wands) forming the base.

The two cards on either end of the base both contain figures dressed in white who are journeying towards the upper center of the spread, almost pointing at the Ace of Cups itself. The figure riding the swan's back in the Six of Swords moves from left to right, rising above the swords and stormcrows below him. The figure in the Five of Wands charges from right to left, leaping over the swarm of foxes and dodging the staffs placed in his way. Both of these bookend cards, in addition to having journeying figures in white, also contain long, upright tools or weapons (staffs or swords) as well as a flock or pack of animals (foxes or stormcrows) perched in and about them, which the figure must rise above. These may represent circumstances of difficulty that are stagnant or unchanging (or seem to be), planted firmly in the ground and appearing almost like bars on a jail cell or the poles of a fence or wall. The animals - dark in one card, bright and fiery in the other - may represent uncontrolled or wild animal instincts, emotional reactions or even thought patterns that have taken on "a life of their own" and no longer seem to be helpful but have instead become a hindrance or a symbol of the figures' difficulties and obstacles. In neither case, however, are these animals actively trying to hinder the figure in any personal way - simply their existence can be a challenge, but they are not out to get the figure in any way, and so the challenges they (re)present are things he can "rise above" (literally or figuratively).

Both figures seem to be moving, within the spread, through their difficulties and towards the center cards - but more specifically, upwards towards the Ace of Cups. The center card in the bottom row, the Five of Cups, is one of sorrow and regret, grief over what has been lost or the failures and difficulties one has seen. The figure is still, head bent down towards the overturned or half-emptied cups around her. She faces to the left, towards the Six of Swords card, with her back to the right and the Five of Wands, and head turned down so that she cannot possibly see the Ace of Cups above her. This layout suggests a focus on the difficulties of the journey that have brought her to this place, and perhaps too much focus on her own weakness and fatigue (as shown in the Six of Swords), while ignoring the stamina, energy and resourcefulness (represented by the Five of Wands) that have brought her this far. Most importantly, she does not raise her head to look around her and see what opportunities and gifts are still available to her and, in fact, continually being offered. The ocean seems to carry all her dreams and hopes away from her as she stands on the desolate shore, and yet she does not recognize the source of this vast ocean and its potential to offer support, insight and emotional depth to her as well.

Yet this spread suggests that, once grief and sorrow are acknowledged and moved through, the journey of the two outer cards will continue, leading eventually and at last to the Ace of Cups, a place of generosity and renewal especially of an emotional (and intuitive or imaginative) kind. The figures do not face the center, but a more dynamic direction "upwards," with their eyes firmly fixed on the Ace of Cups as the goal. The journey may involve grief and regret to some extent, but keeping things in perspective and moving through this emotionally "troubled water" with the same willingness and energy will resolve eventually in obtaining to the gift that the Ace of Cups offers: renewal, reflection, self-knowledge and deeper connection. Here, the animals in this card (a school of fish) swirl and dance around the spiraling, overflowing waters of the cup, presenting glittering symbols of beauty and good luck, instead of the strife and conflict of the animals in the other cards (or the absence of animals as primary actors in the center Five of Cups card).

All this says to me that I am in the midst of a journey, a period of transition that may be difficult and sometimes a bit of a struggle. I can choose to focus on that struggle and how tired and vulnerable it can sometimes make me feel, or I can value the energy and creativity that I can bring to the journey, and keep my eyes firmly on the many reasons to remain grateful and optimistic about my circumstances. If I do the latter, I may find that the gift for such gratitude and optimism, and the blessing of perspective, will eventually lead to a period of renewal and deeper insight and creativity, as well as more authentic connection and harmonious emotional relationship. (Let's hope that's right!)

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:26am - 4:54pm
Moon: waning crescent, scorpio (water/fixed)
Earth: cold and cloudy, below freezing and snow on and off again all day

Thoughts: thinking about the wedding and the beach, wanting to get into better shape and get a better handle on my diet, not that it's so bad, but it could be better; thinking about work and trying to get in another good chunk of hours today

Actions: got up early this morning and did yoga with Jeff; work for several hours in the morning, then lunch (maybe going out somewhere, as a treat?); then spend the afternoon working on Savanah's stuff for this week and trying to flesh out the rest of the outline

Connections: my mind feels chatty and a bit distracted today, but no real substantive thoughts occupying it; I suspect this might be at least in part due to a bit of poor sleep because of aching back and muscles; want to find a way to make sure my posture remains good throughout the day today; otherwise - actually looking forward to the weekend as a break from work

Daily Tarot Card: The Page of Wands plunges into action with child-like joy and enthusiasm, plenty of energy to spare. The card represents the urge to action, with straightforward eagerness and simplicity which can sweep others up in its energy and carry them along with her wit, charm, creativity and passion. She can be both forthright and innocent, and in this way she often finds herself the center of attention. She emphasizes action, taking the plunge and pushing yourself to your limits, perhaps even beyond.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:25am - 4:54pm
Moon: waning crescent, scorpio (water/fixed)
Earth: gray, on and off snow all day, the tiny, crystalline kind that looks like glitter in the air and hardly sticks

Thoughts: woke up around 4am and couldn't fall back asleep for about two hours, spent that time turning ideas for a novel over in my mind, brainstorming ideas until eventually I drifted back into sleep and dreaming; today, mostly focused on getting work done and meeting the challenges of mastering the software, worrying about being good enough and trying to speed up the learning curve for this new task they have me doing; now thinking over Raymond's letter and trying to think of a way to respond

Actions: slept in this morning, breakfast and then right to work, spent a god chunk of the day plugging away, break for lunch (amazed at the idiocy of the government, courtesy of the Daily Show); late afternoon, took a walk in the park briefly, then meditation; tonight, dinner and then doing some more unpacking and organizing the closet and dressers just like the past two nights (making good progress)

Connections: not much time for miscellaneous thought today, as the work task takes a lot of focus for long stretches at a time; most of what I did think about was directly related to increasing my efficiency and accuracy for work

Daily Tarot Card: The Eight of Wands indicates the end of one phase, but the restless energy and momentum that will carry you through to the next, drifting wild and free on the wind in keeping with your nature, following hope and enthusiasm towards the next task, the next project, the next possibility for setting down roots and undertaking yet a new phase of growth. A new day is dawning, and your concern is to do the right thing at the right time, to stay attuned to the shifts and currents in the winds, to follow through on your commitments and finish old projects so that you have the freedom to pursue new ones with all your attention and energy.

Daily Diary

Days of Note: First Snow

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:24am - 4:54pm
Moon: waning crescent, libra (air/cardinal)
Earth: cold and dim, first substantial snow of the season (sticking to the ground), supposed to snow all day for the next few days

Thoughts: feeling energetic and awake, almost too much so that I've had some trouble sleeping the past few nights; thinking about the Lady of the Stars ritual group and wanting to get back to the forum (also wanting to do nightly meditation work, I think, in addition to morning stuff); mind kind of rambling over many different things, including finishing the W&P article today and sending it off, and what my next contractor work project is going to be

Actions: yoga this morning; wedding wednesday today, which means printing up the labels to put on the Save the Dates, going out to the post office to mail the StDs, swinging by the bank (and grocery store), also possibly setting up some posts to the wedding blog; also, finish the intro and conclusion for the W&P article and email it to the editor; find out what my new project is for work and plunge in (get some substantial hours in over the next few days, before Ryan changes his mind again about what he wants me to be working on); also, want to take a walk in the woods with my camera sometime late this afternoon just before sunset

Connections: brain is just in slightly hyper mode, I guess, and I'm feeling very enthusiastic about things; it's nice to be (almost) out from under this article, especially knowing it'll actually bring in some money, and also to be almost out from under the blog, which will free me up to focus on contractor work for a little while and maybe some hands-on spiritual work like meditation, guitar, craft projects, things like that...

Daily Tarot Card: The Eight of Wands indicates the beginning of a long journey ahead, setting off on a new adventure as the old comes to a close. It is a card of energy, enthusiasm and hope which speeds us on our way, spinning through the world like seeds on the wind, eager to put down new roots and burst into bud and bloom. Old tasks will wrap up quickly, as our forward momentum carries us on to the next project or activity.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable); 7:23am - 4:54pm
Moon: waning crescent, libra (air/cardinal)
Earth: mild, steady rain all day

Thoughts: thinking about craft ideas for Christmas/Solstice gifts, as well as crafting three realms image and star fire goddess image; thinking about tomorrow's tasks for wedding wednesday and contacting people for addresses; Emily wants to have Savanah's tonsils removed, though we're not sure why and Savanah hasn't been showing any negative symptoms (even according to Emily); wondering what my next project for work is going to be; thinking about finishing the final-goodbye post for the blog; also need to finish the nonprofit tax status article (just get it done!)

Actions: yoga this morning; email a few people about addresses; finish tax article and email it; get started on new work project (if Ryan lets me know what exactly it's going to be); probably need to bring clothes up from the basement (in case of flooding over the next few days, but also just to finally unpack now that I have room)

Connections: money will continue to be an issue as long as Emily keeps inventing reasons to take the kids to the doctor when they're not showing symptoms of anything - I think Jeff and I are both beginning to worry about Emily's grip on reality and her ability to distinguish her health issues from the kids' health issues; also, getting the urge to do crafts again, which is hard to resist as a distraction from the more difficult work of getting an article written (but really don't want to flake on the editor, since as an editor myself on occasion I know how annoying flakey writers can be)

Daily Tarot Card: The Six of Wands is a card of victory and success, triumph over difficult odds - it is the completion of a cycle of events, but also the beginning of a new one. Hard work has yielded positive results already, but you feel a gnawing urge to move on, to stay sharp and active and to confront the next challenge head-on rather than waiting for it to find you. There is positive, proactive energy in this card, but also tension and potential conflict as success inevitably draws envious attention. Celebrate and appreciate the progress you have made so far, but stay on your toes and keep striving to ensure your progress continues. (My notes: I'm starting to think this card has something to do with this on-going issue with Emily about her inability to show financial responsibility for the kids. We have made some progress in this area, though it's been hard won, and every success seems to bring about some new way for her to spend Jeff's money - on the other hand, each new way gets a little more bizarre and harder to justify, so continuing to work at finding reasonable compromises will, hopefully, continue to bear fruit.)

Daily Diary

Sun: scorpio, water/fixed (water, west, emotion, calas)
Moon: waning crescent about two days from new
Earth: gray, rainy, chilly (high 40s) with some wind; almost all the leaves down from the trees now

Thoughts (what's on my mind): midterm election results; accusations of apathy, ignorance and selfishness from the mainstream Left for those who did not vote Dem; brainstorming ideas for handmade crafts as Solstice presents this year to save money without sacrificing sentiment; ideas for new moon/flamekeeping ritual in the next few days based on Plotkin's chapter on the "Apprentice at the Wellspring"; finishing the outline for Savanah's year of Druidic study and preparing for our first lesson this weekend; the pressing need to figure out how to prioritize my various goals according to what will best support and inspire my "soul work"

Actions (what I need/want to be doing): finishing article for W&P on nonprofit tax law; getting back to Jason about position as Editorial coordinator for PNC; experimenting with image-tranfer techniques for wood and various styles for sculpting polymer clay; publishing post announcement about Meadowsweet donation drive; getting back into a routine of daily meditation; reorganizing closet and emptying out/getting rid of old desk in preparation for Dad bringing the spare furniture out next week; revamping my exercise routine; spending more time in nature

Connections (where actions and thoughts connect or inform one another, or not): concerns about financial stability giving rise to certain obligations (W&P, PNC, etc.) not necessarily reflecting what occupies my thoughts; would very much like to find a way that the areas of interest that fascinate me most might also become a means of financial support for the family (crafts, writing, spiritual work); regular meditation and other mundane spiritual routine work may help with this process, especially giving perspective and resistance against the distraction of, f'ex, petty political bickering

Daily Tarot Card: The Emperor (IV) reigns in the energy and impulses of chaos to create order and structure through disciplined, hard work. A card of responsible dominion over the wild and the irrational, but one that, taken to the extreme, can also dampen creativity, spontaneity and joy with the endless weighing of options and alternatives in an attempt to catalogue and categorize everything.