Diary - Badger Stone

Days of Note: Flamekeeping

Sun: leo (fixed fire), 6:10 AM - 8:43 PM
Moon: waning crescent, taurus (fixed earth)
Earth: hot and gray most of the day, with skies clearing to steamy blue later in the afternoon, at least a bit cooler than the past several days when we've had a heat advisory in effect and stiffing weather

Badger Stone

During my flamekeeping shift this time, I wanted to work more with Badger, especially considering my intuition that Badger has some kind of relationship with Brighid (though I'm not sure exactly what). Another connection that occurred to me last night as I was hillwalking (more on that in a moment) is that Lady Gregory describes the goddess Brighid as having a face which is half fair and beautiful, and half dark and hideous — and though it is not divided down the middle in half, because of the black-and-white strips you could think of Badger, too, as having both a light and a dark face.

So before my shift began last night, I went hillwalking through the woods with the intention of finding a stone for Badger to sit on my altar. I had gotten it into my head at some point that it was vital to find an icon or statue of some kind for Badger to "live in" on my altar, an object I could involve in ritual and give offerings to — and so I'd spent some time over the last week looking online for a suitable item. I found a few ceramic figurines and such, and one or two carved out of wood and painted, but none seemed to suit. Then the idea occurred to me that finding a stone to decorate on my own would be the best idea — I started referring to it as a "Badger Stone" and that just seemed right and fitting. So last night after dinner, about an hour before sunset and the start of my flamekeeping shift, I headed out into the woods to search for a stone, most likely from the cave that overlooks the ravine near the rock outcropping where I like to sit and meditate. I asked Brighid to guide my steps as I went, and I took along my pouch of herbal and seed offerings as well as a small jar of water to pour in libation to the land. I also brought along my iPod; I just downloaded some drumming audio to help with journey work, and one of the songs I found was from an album dedicated to different animal spirits and totems, this song for Badger. I put this song on repeat to listen to while I walked.

The trance state I ended up in was pretty intense, thanks in part to the drumming and in part to the intense heat. Walking through the woods was practically like being in a sweat lodge in any case, especially as I got into the dimmer areas back in the forest aways, and I was dripping sweat and pretty deep in a meditative state while I walked. I had the visceral, powerful experience of being able to "see" the spirits of things around me, faces peering at me from the trees and stones and fallen logs and bits of bramble and underbrush — not my imagination, but like the chaotic natural patterns of texture, light and shadow resolving themselves into very clear faces and shapes that didn't go away even after a second, closer look.

This actually made choosing a stone a bit difficult, because I was hoping to be strolling along waiting for a particular stone to jump out at me... but instead, every single stone I saw seemed to be alive and aware, asserting itself in my presence. Instead of being able to just pick up whatever stone appealed to me, I found myself having to use discernment and actually assess the character or presence of the stones, inquiring which would be amenable to becoming an altar object and "home" for Badger. Some stones just had too much self-presence to be appropriate (including one that seemed to practically beg to be brought back, so much that I almost chose it in the end, but then decided against it). When I made it to the place near the cave, I took a step or two off the path towards the entrance, and almost immediately saw a stone that looked perfect. I bent down and picked it up, then sat in the entrance to the cave for a time holding the stone and asking permission from the stone itself, the land and finally from Badger if this would be an appropriate stone to work with. At one point, Badger seemed to put his paw on top of the stone in my hand and weigh it down slightly so that I felt a warmth and pressure, as though he were trying to bring it closer for examination. Just after this, I noticed a pattern in the texture of the stone itself that seemed to be a face — like that of an old man — peering out at me, and I asked if he was the stone's spirit and, if so, if he was willing to either share his home with Badger or remain in the woods with the other stones. I felt like I couldn't get a clear answer — so I decided I would bring the stone back with me and do some discernment work through meditation during my actual flamekeeping ritual at sunset. So I left a small scattering of offerings at the place where I found the stone, and poured a libation there too (in part hoping to sort of coax the stone's spirit to stay in the woods and take up a new home there), and then I headed home.

When I got back home, I drank a ton of water and had some chocolate to help ground me and come out of trance. It did help immensely, though it took longer to get back to a normal state of consciousness than I was anticipating (I even saw the faces in the water rippling within my glass as I drank — how hard it is to eat or drink anything, or even leave offerings, when absolutely everything seems so alive and sentient and bursting with presence!).

About half an hour later, I got everything prepared for my flamekeeping ritual, lit my candles and incense and did my usual routine of prayers and welcome to Brighid as I begun my shift. This time, I also asked her help on this creative project that I was hoping to do during my shift this round. I took a moment to go into the bathroom and scrub down the stone I'd found and cleanse it in a mundane way — and then I came back to the altar and spend time smudging and cleansing it with incense smoke and Awen-breaths, turning it over and over so that the smoke clung and spiraled around it in the candle light. It was quite beautiful! While doing this, I did some light meditation seeking to know if this was a good stone for the work I intended. At one point, as I turned the stone over in my hands, I glimpsed it at an angle I hadn't seen it at before, and there in the dancing shadows made by the candle and the texture of the stone itself was a badger face peering at me! So I took that as the signal that yes, this would be a good stone to use after all.

After cleansing and smudging it, I did a Three Realms Working to connect with the energies of the land, sky and sea and blessed and changed the stone. I finished up my flamekeeping ritual and set the stone on the shelf above my bed next to the still-lit candle that would remain lit all night as part of my shift. (This may not have been a great idea — or perhaps I didn't ground well enough after my ritual work — because I found it difficult to sleep all night and tossed and turned with excess energy.)

This afternoon after Jeff took the kids back to their mom's, I returned to the work. I set up the paints and everything I would need, and I browsed some pictures of badgers online to make sure I knew what I was going for. Then, I put on my iPod again with the Badger drumming song on repeat, and got to work. First I traced an outline of Badger on a sheet of paper in pencil based on some of the images I'd found and the texture and contours of the stone, then I transferred the drawing to the stone itself with a pencil, which I then went over again with a thin black permanent marker. Next, I painted the white layer, followed by the black, and at last the nose and two small brown eyes. In between each coat/color, I allowed the paint to dry while meditating in light trance and smudging the stone further with incense burning nearby. The stone was almost complete — but I'd left the eyes a plain brown, not yet giving them black pupils. At this point, I stopped and made offerings to Badger, slicing off a hunk of chocolate and cracking open a beer to pour (these being pretty much the best food in the house at the moment), also eating a small piece of chocolate and taking a small sip of beer for myself to honor the place within myself where I would make a welcome home for Badger.

I then closed the curtains, turned off the lights and closed my eyes, going into deeper trance to the sound of the drums and seeking to present the stone to Badger for approval before putting on the finishing touch and bringing the stone "alive." I spent about fifteen minutes in trance, during which time I went to the Angel Oak tree, called to Badger and then followed him trundling through woods and field back to his burrow, where he seemed to be gathering himself up and straightening things as though in preparation. After a while of this, Badger turned to me and once again put a damp, heavy paw on my upturned palm where I held the almost-finished stone. This time, when he removed his paw, it left a wet, damp paw mark that seemed to absorb into the stone itself. He seemed to smile and laugh and joke about the "likeness" of the stone — and then we came back together and I danced him for a while in my own body (though I have to admit, Badger seems to expect a sense of rhythm and coordination from me that I don't possess!). After dancing Badger for a short time, I invited him into the stone itself. I put the finishing touches on the stone by giving the eyes dark pupils. I blessed the stone again with three Awen-breaths, and as the incense was just burning down, I headed outside into the backyard to place the plate of offerings amongst the flowers in the garden bed. While outside, I got the feeling that Badger wanted to be "introduced" to the world in his new stone, so I held the stone to each of the four directions with greetings of peace and blessings from the East, South, West and North, as well as the presence of the Three Realms.

Then I headed back inside to write this journal entry. It's about an hour and a half until sundown and the end of my flamekeeping shift, so I may write a follow-up post then (or maybe not). I feel as though I haven't done any divination in a while, so I might do a drawing... or maybe not. We'll see. This work on the Badger Stone feels like it's taken a lot out of me, so I might just rest for the remainder of the evening.

Below is a picture of the completed Badger Stone.

Diary - Flamekeeping

Days of Note: Flamekeeping, Fourth of July/"Independence Day"

Sun: cancer (cardinal water), 5:55 AM - 8:54 PM
Moon: waxing crescent, virgo (mutable earth)
Earth: hot and muggy most of the day, occasional shower, then about an hour before sunset, a huge storm with thunder, lightning and hail - now, after dark, fireworks


My flamekeeping shift is soon coming to an end. I've spent most of today working on my response post (first of three parts) to my experiences and observations at the Wild Goose Festival back at the end of June - and trying very hard to ignore what day it is. But how could I think She would let me ignore it.

A storm blew through about an hour ago, with thunder and massive rain that gave way to the pounding of hail (and for the first time, I had the strange experience of fearing for my garden, as though I could imagine myself responsible for the plump little lives that sprung from hard-shelled seeds I did barely more than drop into the soil and encourage with hopeful glances and some occasional weeding). Now the sky to the west is suffused with rose and gold as the storm blows east to lap against the mountains. Jeff had been wishing for a storm all day, in hopes the rain would wash out and ruin the planned Fourth of July fireworks displays. It seems we often have thunder storms during my flamekeeping shifts.

I don't celebrate days like today. I am not a member of the civil religion of this country (though I happened to be born an American citizen, I do not subscribe to Americanism or, as most would call it, patriotism). And because I believe that rituals have power - even when we don't mean them to or believe them to - I do not participate in community rituals that glorify war and violence, that celebrate death and destruction, that serve only to reinforce the boundaries between a righteous Us and an untrustworthy Them.

But because the civil religion is a religion (whether its followers believe it to be or not), I also try as much as I can not to spend my time actively berating those who do participate. It's hard. Very, very hard.

What's harder is seeing Pagans promoting concepts like "Pagan-American" and hailing the invented piece of propaganda known as "Columbia" (named for a man who committed atrocities gleefully against the indigenous peoples of this land and who was denounced even by people in his own time for doing so) as though she were a goddess. Columbia is no more a goddess than Coca-Cola is a god - and I mean that in all its is/isn't tension and complexity.

I can't feel that it's anything but reprehensible and cruel to celebrate a "goddess of the land of America" under the name of a man who tortured and killed so many of those who once lived here. On a day when we supposedly celebrate and honor those brave men (mostly men) who fought for our independence from Britain, do we give any thought to who else they fought - do we remember how Washington earned his promotions through his campaigns against the natives? do we remember that it was not only freedom from colonial rule, but the freedom to rule over an occupied, colonized land that was won? And to turn around and hail the name Columbia! I would retch if I weren't so close to tears.

And Brigid is a goddess of justice, a goddess of peace... but she is also Mother to Sorrow, who saw her son cut down in battle and keened her grief unchecked by shame, a sorrow so all-encompassing it could only be a testament to love. Of course, she would bring me back to thoughts of the Fourth of July when I would rather have ignored it, let it go unmarked and unremarked. Do I have her courage, to wail in public grief, to allow my sorrow and anger to be a testament and song to the greatness of love and hope?

I don't want to. I don't think I have the courage, not this year. I'm tired of being the punching-bag token pacifist. I have no friends or family who made it home from war, I have no claim to respect that would keep the ridicule in check. I can protest until I'm blue in the face - say that though I hate war, I do not hate soldiers, say that though I work for peace, I am not an ideologue or even an idealist - but no one listens.

Except Brigid. Maybe she listens. And this was what brought me to her service, I remember now. I'd read so many descriptions of her, none of which had really rung true. Then I read Lady Gregory writing about her face, how half of it was beautiful and full of light, and half of it was dark and deformed and terrible. And I thought, yes, this I recognize, this is my goddess. Brigid of the Ruined Eye. Brigid, Mother to Sorrow, Lover to Darkness - and yet, Lady of Light, Guardian of Peace. Praise to you.

As polytheists, do we not have the freedom to choose, to worship what gods we will? I will worship the Lady of Star Fire, the holy triple flame who burns ashless, who works in the darkness. I will worship her in her fullness, not only what is beautiful and poetic, but what is wretched and awful and ugly with grief and sadness. I will honor her for her courage, her willingness to be vulnerable before the world. How could I have forgotten this about you, Brigid? Help me to remember. Help me to work in that same service - not only poetry and beauty, but the hard work of justice, the dirty old work of weakness and transformation.

Diary - Flamekeeping

Days of Note: Flamekeeping begins at sundown

Sun: cancer (cardinal water), 5:54 AM - 8:54 PM
Moon: waxing crescent, leo (fixed fire), VoC
Earth: hot and sunny much of the day, with winds this evening blowing in billowing clouds, for a brief shower before moving on again

Flamekeeping Ritual

A few minutes before sunset I sat down to my altar, with incense burning and three candles lit in honor of Brigid. Unfortunately, my white pillar candle overspilled its wax last time it was lit, trapping my flamekeeping pendant beneath it - but I have since begun wearing an acorn pendant instead of my Brigid's Cross as a daily symbol of my Druidry, so I decided tonight to begin using my Brigid's Cross necklace itself as my Flamekeeping symbol. I will also be leaving the LED candle lit until sunset tomorrow, though it wouldn't be safe or practical to leave a real-flame candle burning.

I began my shift with some simple awen breathing, during which it seemed almost as though I could hear Brigid whispering to me. Thoughts kept arising as I tried to quiet my mind, some of which seemed too clear and articulate to really be "my own" thoughts exactly - most of them concerning my neglect of my Flamekeeping and my dourness about the responsibility of doing it tonight (when I was feeling tired and overwhelmed and my back is sore and distracting from the tattoo, which is still healing). The simplicity of the candles flickering and the other ritual objects on the altar reminded me that ritual is meant to be beautiful and moving, not a chore or a burden, and that lately it seems I've been grumbling overly much (not out loud, but kind of subconsciously) about my Flamekeeping shifts, giving Brigid grief instead of my joy and gratitude and praise. So there seemed to be some chastisement there, and a suggestion also that I've been focused too much on expecting Brigid to "prove herself" to me by flooding me with warm-fuzzy feel-goods and inspiration... but not enough focus on my part on what I can offer back to her and to the world in her honor.

After this period of quiet reflection and awen-breath, I said my simple opening-shift prayer while "charging" the Brigid's Cross and hanging it around my neck. Then I followed up with one of my rosary prayers to her, and the Lady of the Star Fire chant that I wrote back in November. (I said these prayers out loud, because I felt I needed to more fully embody them tonight, instead of just "thinking" them silently to myself.) After this, I blessed the small pitcher of water on the altar and offered to Brigid the water, the incense, the light of the flames and my gratitude and honor to her. I offered a few flicks of water to each of the triple flames, and then took a sip to honor the Spirit Within which needs nourishing and care as well.

Following this, I asked Brigid to help guide me and began my divination, using my Shadowscapes tarot deck, asking the question, "What gifts can I offer in honor and service to you, O Brigid?"

The cards I drew were, in this order from left to right:

Eight of Cups | Four of Pentacles | High Priestess

Before I write up an interpretation of the cards, though, I want to finish recording the rest of the ritual. After drawing these cards, I went into a light trance (which was a bit difficult because I had a Jonathan Coulton song stuck in my head and had no drum music, or even a rattle to help me "source" - but I did my best and it seemed to work, in fact better than last time).

This time, I began by seeking the Angel Oak Tree as my beginning place, since it was to a very similar tree that Badger seemed to lead me last time. Stepping within the bright, airy, earthy, crystalline nemeton of the great Live Oak, sure enough there was Badger trundling forward to meet me. I knelt down and we embraced, glad to see each other. I began to ask Badger for help interpreting the cards, to seek an answer to what gifts I can offer in Brigid's honor, but Badger was already on it, digging down into the earth near the roots of the Tree. After only a few inches, Badger had scraped away a hole that seemed to open up into a great, vast deep-blue ocean beneath the earth. Badger dove in and began swimming down down down - I tried to follow, but found myself panicking and rushing back up towards the surface. Badger came back up and inquired what was wrong, and I tried to explain how I was afraid of "drowning" - or of not being strong enough or good enough to survive the plunge. Badger reassured me that not only was I up to the challenge, but that it was absolutely necessary and that this anxiety and clinging to the surface world of things was what the Four of Pentacles was indicating. Badger offered to "light my way," and once again there was that association or connection there with a Solar Badger or Sun Badger (I'm not sure if this is because the badger and bear are somewhat related animals symbolically - and like the bear, the badger hibernates and enters the earth, and so may have solar associations - or also like the groundhog, which may have some association with Brigid - or even just the B-D-G sounds in both names). Now shining with a kind of golden light, Badger swam down into the dark blue depths, and I followed, until it seemed we were no longer swimming, but climbing down a steep damp grassy hill at night towards a light in the distance. As we got closer, the light resolved into a campfire lit at the base of the hill, around which a group of people were gathered, laughing and sharing stories and songs with each other. Badger suggested (though not exactly in words) that I had forgotten that my sense of inspiration came from this kind of congenial sharing among equals, an intimate group joined together by joy and kinship and a sense of sacredness - and that this was very different from the insecurities that were leading me to always try to outdo and prove myself through my writing and other work these days. Next I asked, well, what about the other card, the High Priestess - at which point Badger indicated the moon flooding the hillside and fields and woods surrounding with silvery moonlight. I felt the moonlight suffuse my body, and that sense of looming power from up within myself, as though I'd grown taller than I actually was and was radiating or "expanding" out beyond myself. I protested that I didn't know how to be a High Priestess, but Badger seemed to insist that I have always had the potential to be a great priestess of the gods and to some extent I have been afraid of that calling, even though it's always been there. There was also the sense that serving as a priestess had little to nothing to do with being able to attract a large congregation or group of followers - that was not my job to worry about, it was enough that I serve however I could. I expressed how all of my study recently and all the things I want to learn are so that I can become a better priestess to my gods - but Badger seemed to scoff (affectionately) at that, and suddenly I was half-out of trance and aware of my body again, and Badger was pointing out to me that this was all already within me, deep within - it was not something I had to acquire from an external source through learning, but something I had to learn how to access and trust. After this, I sort of dropped back into the trance-place again and I asked Badger if we could return, so together we walked back up the hill until we were swimming back through the dark waters and breaking surface at the roots of the Great Tree.

After coming out of trance, I thanked Badger for the guidance and support, and in gratitude I danced Badger a bit (this time the dance was more like "swimming" - swinging my arms in waving motions out at my sides and above my head, fingers splayed, while my lower body kind of bounced a bit almost as though I were kicking my back legs as you do when you doggy-paddle).

After this, I ended the ritual by extinguishing two of the three candles, leaving the LED candle lit.

I would like to ponder the meaning of the card reading and maybe write more about it tomorrow (especially because my wrist is beginning to hurt, having to keep it up so the tattoo doesn't rub against the keyboard of the laptop). So more on that later.

Diary - Pilgrimage

Days of Note: Flamekeeping, Pilgrimage to the Angel Oak

Sun: gemini (mutable air), 6:15am - 8:19pm (Summerville, SC)
Moon: waning crescent, pisces (mutable water), VOC (through tomorrow evening)
Earth: another hot, sunny day down in South Carolina, with the air thick and muggy and a possible thunderstorm this afternoon (we can only hope); even when the sun is high, the sunlight is not the clear, bright sunlight of farther north, but a damper, heavier, somehow darker kind of light through which everything seems hazy - or perhaps it's only that even in the shade the heat dominates, so that nowhere is safe from the sunlight


Brigid always has a trick up her sleeve for me, it seems. I now have a Brigid's Cross burned between my breasts… or to be more precise, a pale uneven-cross of skin surrounded by the red-pink of sunburn. Last night at sundown when I began my Flamekeeping shift, I asked her to accept the gold Brigid's Cross pendant I always wear as a symbol of her flame because I could not keep a physical flame for her during this shift (even lighting a candle at all in our B&B room was technically not allowed, though I risked it for half an hour for my opening rite). The handmade flame pendant I usually wear is back home, embedded in wax where my usual Flamekeeping candle spilled over into the offering dish without my noticing. I'm not sure if I'll be able to get it out again without ruining it, since it didn't have any kind of protective finish on it, but in any case it was too late to try to salvage it just then when I was packing. I'm not sure if the sunburn is a sign of acceptance or a light slap on the wrist for not being better prepared to travel-while-Keeping. In any case, it wasn't entirely unexpected, considering we were out on the beach without sunscreen during the most intense part of the day….

I'm feeling slightly scatter-brained at the moment, which I expect is mostly from the heat and general late-afternoon fatigue. Both mornings we've been here now, we've been up at dawn to do some yoga and then gone running in the surrounding neighborhood, coming back to the B&B to shower and have a delicious breakfast downstairs. We're the only people in the house right now, though there's a man in the cottage apartment out in the backyard (we haven't seen him yet, but we've seen his car in the drive). We basically have this entire gorgeous French-style southern mansion to ourselves, and it's absolutely lovely. Getting out early in the morning to go running while it's still relatively cool (in the 70s) has me feeling so completely energized and fantastic, I'm hoping I can hold on to that habit when we get back home. Yesterday morning after a shower and breakfast, I spent some time in the lush, steamy garden in the back of the house while Jeff got some work done on the computer inside. I spent time in meditation sitting on a stone bench by one of the small fountains (guarded by a small moss-covered frog and a statue of the Amitabha Buddha).

This morning, though I was technically on Flamekeeping shift, I held off on my morning meditation because right after breakfast we made the hour-long drive to John's Island to see the Angel Oak tree. Last year we visited the tree on Earth Day in April, in the early evening just as the sun was in its golden hour (and the trip also happened to be during a Flamekeeping shift!). This year, we made it to the oak by mid-morning and again the sunlight was all golden and soft through the branches. There was hardly anyone around, and so Jeff and I split up and found spots to sit near the tree to do some meditation. The same feeling I had last year — of immensity and power and life-force emanating from the tree enough to make my heart quicken — was there again this morning. I noticed that the other tourists who wandered up to see the tree during our time there all had a tendency to lower their voices to a whisper, as if out of respect, and there was a natural hush about the place. Even though it's a tourist attraction now, it's hard for me to believe that it's not also a sacred place of power in spite of that. Even the way people arrived, a couple at a time but in a steady stream so that there was almost always at least one person around, a new person arriving just as the other was leaving, though you couldn't ever say the place was busy, and always it had that same hush and quiet and presence to it…. it almost seemed as though the tree were drawing people to it, few by few, like pilgrims attending to it, murmuring appreciative prayers of awe and praise. To sit under the tree for any length of time and watch this process was amazing, and just as it did last year, it left me with this strange sense that the tree was a sacred center or power or axis mundi around which the rest of the world turned, with us little humans coming to stand tiny at its feet and arrange our lives like love-worn dolls….

When we first arrived, a couple with a young toddler were just leaving and for a time we had the place all to ourselves. I sat at the base of the tree while Jeff wandered off somewhere else, and I sat in meditation for twenty minutes or so. First just breathing my awens and allowing myself to relax into the energy and presence of the place, then reaching out to perform (my version of) the DOTR Three Realms workings. The Tree as center and bridge between the watery depths of soul and the celestial heights of spirit was especially effective when I could feel the vast trunk of the Angel Oak behind me, lending support to my spine. During this meditation, my sense of grounding was so powerful, I felt as though I could sit there forever, still and unmoving, so solidly was I rooted in the earth. It's one of the most effective grounding experiences I've had in recent memory. I also experimented with Erynn Rowan Laurie's take on the Three Cauldrons meditation - though I used different hand gestures adapted from the "peace sign" meditation I'd been working on (with both hands placed on the ground to either side, then raised to the center in a namaste/prayer position, then raised up again — in this way, the gestures not only mimic a transformation of the peace sign from despair to rejoicing, but they also echo the Awen symbol in both invoking and evoking form).

A side note: part of me feels bad that I feel such an urge to adapt and change the practices I learn from others. Often the people teaching these techniques will say that they can be adapted or changed to suit personal approaches… but I often feel like this is more an attempt to be tolerant of diversity, and not really a whole-hearted encouragement to actually go about changing things. I do want to trust that certain ritual techniques have stood the test of time and have something to teach me… but it was easier to trust this way in Catholic rituals which really were hundreds, even thousands of years old. Druidry (and Paganism generally) is still so new, and there's a lot of variation in technique. I see similarities between different types of meditations and energy work that I can't overlook, and so these end up blending together in my practice to create rites and gestures that make sense to me. The way I perform a Three Realm Working is derived in part from Orion Foxwood's exercising in connecting to the local land (I forget its name at the moment), in which the "streams" from below and above are joined in the heart. It seems the Three Realms working is also similar to the ADF Two Powers meditation…. except in the Three Realms (both in the DOTR version and my adaptation) there is a blending of the two energies to create or express a third. I never quite understood why a tradition like ADF, with such emphasis on the three realms, the three hallows and other triads, would have a fundamentally dualistic meditative practice as a core technique…. connecting Earth and Sky, but where is Sea in this? This is the same trouble I had with the three Druidic elements in their relation to the four classical elements. If you can arbitrarily drop or add an aspect to a system, then it wasn't a stable or complete system to begin with. In the Three Realms, Land, Sea and Sky seem all to be of equal importance and significance…. and simply dropping Sea and connecting only to the other two doesn't make much sense to me. Similarly, dropping (or combining) Fire and Air from the four classical elements to get the three Druidic elements — as though they were nearly interchangeable otherwise — is deeply dissatisfying to me. So I have to figure out a way to make that change.

On the other hand, Erynn Rowan Laurie's Three Cauldron's meditation makes a lot of sense to me, with the Cauldron of Warming (being associated with the realm of land/earth and the Druidic element/principle of calas) the lowest of the three, the Cauldron of Motion (sea/gwyar) near the heart, and the Cauldron of Wisdom (sky/nwyfre) near the head/crown/third eye. This makes intuitive sense to me, and aligns pretty well with both T. Thorn Coyle's "three souls" meditation and with my Peace of the Three Realms meditation that I developed a few years ago (in which each of the… let's call them "cauldrons," though I originally called them simply "centers," are infused specifically with energies from the Three Realms in a kind of rippling out/up of energy). I don't have any struggle in figuring out why, during the Three Realms working, gwyar/sea is "below" and calas/land/tree in the center, while in the Three Cauldrons working this is reversed. It just… makes sense to me that way. Perhaps because the Three Realms working is a kind of orientation, connecting us with the Tree as axis mundi and bridge of soul and spirit… while the Three Cauldrons/Peace of the Realms practices are more about activating our own ("internal") energy centers. With this inner work, we naturally start from a "base line" of calas, the realm of land that we're so used to and probably most immediately connected to through our physical senses. From there, we kind of "drop" into the gwyar/emotional center of movement and exchange — that is, our experience of form and limit naturally gives rise to an urge to connect, and this is a kind of deepening at the same time that it's a rising up…. almost as though our heart calls our attention to it precisely at that moment when it is spilling over — we are called inward at the same time that we feel the ache of going outward. The final center of nwyfre/wisdom is an ascent to pure force and initiative, as well as breath. Both boundaries and the interweaving or connection of those boundaries are overcome or swept up in the unity of "oneness," to some extent.

I'm not at all convinced this makes much sense… I'll have to keep playing with these ideas. In any case, I'd like to find a way to integrate the Peace Prayer practice with the Three Realms working (and the Three Cauldrons practice as well, perhaps) in a way that leads naturally from one into the other without having to drastically altar the energies I'm working with for each one. ADF describes the Two Powers practice as like to "grounding and centering." I'm not sure which one people traditionally do first among other Wiccan/Pagan groups… but I always understood that centering was the first step (a kind of inward turning and cultivation of stillness and attention that was the prerequisite for any meditative work) and grounding was the second step, a moving outward again from that established center to "ground" that center in the living earth, as though planting a seed, or the moment when that seed germinates and sends out roots. In any case, it always seemed to me an inward/outward movement of focus, rather than an up/down focus the way the Earth/Sky approach suggests. In my own practice, I've gotten so used to centering and grounding that I hardly notice it as an initial step before my other meditation work. I center through some meditative breathing, cultivating a stillness between breaths (which the awen breath can be particularly helpful for), and then reach out to ground myself in the earth and further open myself to the living presences around me. In this sense, then, centering/grounding is a first step, and the natural next step after grounding (reaching out to the earth surrounding me — for we do not only live "on" the earth, but more precisely we live in it, surrounded by its landscapes and climates) is to begin (my version of) the DOTR Three Realms working. When we ground, like a tree putting down roots and sending up shoots, we are not seeking merely earth beneath us… we are seeking the water and the exchange of nutrients below, and the sunlight and air that fuels us from above. These we transform into the living matter of our bodies. So the Three Realms working is a natural follow-up to the centering/grounding opening work.

In that case, then, the Peace of the Realms and the Three Cauldrons meditations are not so much about who we are or where we locate/orient ourselves in the currents of the world… but more about what we do in the world, how we approach our activity. Once we center and ground ourselves in our enspirited-bodies, then what is it we do with those bodies? Finding our foundation, cultivating our work and releasing our love-guided efforts into the world (or warming, motion and wisdom) are the three processes or activities we undertake. They may have affinities with the Three Realms… but they are not merely equivalent. Which is why the Peace of the Three Realms actually "activates" each of the three realms or their currents/elements/principles in each of the three activity centers. So if this is the case.. then a natural order to the practices would be: starting with centering and grounding, then the Three Realms working to orient and establish our selves within the three realms of the world, then the Three Cauldrons meditation to "activate" or energize the three "centers" or cauldrons within the self, then the Peace of the Three Realms prayer to articulate and express the purpose towards which those three center of activity might be directed.

I'll have to experiment with this order to see how it works in practice as well as in theory… but I'm actually quite pleased with this approach. It makes some gut-level sense to me, and incorporates at least some sources of legitimate ancient Celtic culture. I would want to read more about the Cauldron of Poesy text that Erynn Rowan Laurie mentions, if only to seek out some confirmation of this approach.

It seems to be almost 8 PM now and I've been writing for at least two hours…. I had more to talk about, but my shift is coming to an end, so I should probably wrap things up. I'm feeling especially tired and I should probably be sure to drink some more water and apply some more aloe gel to my burn so I'm not regretting my silliness in the morning.

It occurs to me that I forget to explain how I got the sunburn! After staying by the Angel Oak for an hour or two, we thought we would try to find the nearest public beach access, which ended up being Folly Beach. We spent about an hour strolling along the shore, feet in the warmest ocean water lapping up around our calves. Before finally returning to the car, I waded out deeper until I was standing in waters mid-thigh and waves were getting the hem of my sundress damp. By that point, though, I'd already been out long enough to get a burn on my shoulders and chest. We're thinking of going back to the beach tomorrow, after spending a morning in Charleston looking at all the ancient homes built right up on the shoreline by slave labor (Jeff's love of this beautiful human tragedy reminds me of that Doctor Who episode, Blink: "Sad is like happy for deep people.")

We'll see. Tomorrow we're taking a day off from running, though we're hoping to still do some sun salutations to great the new day. It's Jeff's birthday, so we'll have an official day off to do whatever we want before heading back to Pittsburgh on Friday. I may or may not have a chance to write again before we get back home. We'll see.

Divination Exchange: Next Six Weeks

Sun: taurus (earth/fixed), 6:12am - 8:21pm
Moon: waxing crescent, cancer (water/cardinal)
Earth: chilly and even somewhat blustering, with rain on and off all day, the morning starting out bright sunny and beautiful, giving way to steady rain and then gray chill

Jeff and I decided to do an experiment tonight — a divination exchange in which we each did a reading for each other. The question we focused on was, "What advice do you have for [us] between now (Beltaine) and the Summer Solstice?"

Interestingly, we both ended up with readings with an energy flow moving from left to right (we use Robert Place's method of interpretation), making the three card spread pretty close to your typical past-present-future layout. Both of our readings seem to have to do with new projects of some kind, with caution not to burn out or push too hard, though the specifics were different for each of us. There's also some strong themes about the relationship between love and death in the left-most card, corresponding to some of the more mystic/ecstatic themes of Beltaine I was writing about recently.

Below is the reading Jeff did for me, followed by the reading I did for him. He used Robert Place's Buddha Tarot deck, while I used my usual Shadowscape Tarot. I stuck with just the simple three-card spread, while Jeff felt moved to pull a fourth "clarification" card for his reading. (He also wanted to spend some time in meditation on the cards, but was feeling really tired and so didn't get much out of it as a result).

Advice for Ali

(reading by Jeff)

Future Empress | Ace of Jewels | Six of Jewels
The Middle Path

Future Empress - This is the Buddha's wife. Before he became the Buddha, Siddhartha Gautama lived with his father, the king; and his father wished him to marry. He asked for women to come from all over the kingdom to visit Siddhartha if they wished to be his princess. He provided Siddhartha with gifts, so that the young prince could welcome them. Siddhartha welcomed them all graciously (and there were a great many), but when the last one arrived — Yasodhara — there were no gifts left. Siddhartha found himself completely captivated by her; and so he took his own royal ring from his finger and gave it to her to welcome her. They fell deeply in love, and were married.

Siddhartha's father was sure that the love of the beautiful Yasodhara would keep Siddhartha's mind occupied with the doings of this world, so that he would fulfil the prophesy by becoming a mighty emperor. But Siddhartha's love for Yasodhara (and the son she bore him) was so deep that it went far beyond earthly pleasures. Shortly after his son was born, they threw a great party, and there was dancing and drinking. Late at night, Siddhartha woke and saw all the dancers, and his wife and child, lying asleep in the moonlight. To him they seemed as if dead. This served to harden his resolve to free them all from death and suffering; so — out of love — he left them there and went away to find out how to release everyone forever.

This card corresponds to the Empress in the standard Tarot. It is a card of fertility, beauty, love, and the attractive power of desire. Associated strongly with Venus.

Ace of Jewels - Ace of Jewels corresponds to the Ace of Pentacles. New projects, especially in the physical world. The Jewel is associated at one level with satifying physical desire, but at a deeper level with satisfaction through release of desire. The Buddha presented "Three Jewels" to comfort his followers as they followed away: the Buddha himself (as an example of enlightenment), the Dharma (his teaching), and the Sangha (the monk community of fellowship).

Six of Jewels - Six of Jewels is the Six of Pentacles. In this deck it especially represents generosity and the rewards of those who are generous. Generosity: there are five basic rules of conduct in Buddhism: do not cause harm, do not steal, do not consume toxins, do not commit sexual misconduct, and do not lie. Each of these basic rules is paired with a positive version: develop love and peace, be generous, cultivate awareness, cultivate contentment, and be truthful. Generosity helps one release attachments to property and other things we think we own, such as our time, our reputations, and so on.

The Middle Path - While Siddhartha was seeking enlightenment, he was a student of many teachers. One common kind of practice in India at this time was asceticism, in which the body was put under great stresses, such as fasting, self-harm, and the like. The idea was that by denying the pleasures (and needs) of the flesh, one could rise above it. Siddhartha was extremely good at this, and many of his teachers were sure he was going to be a great yogi. He gathered followers of his own, who were amazed at his devotion. Eventually he pushed himself so close to death that he could barely eat or drink at all; but still he was no closer to salvation. The desire for enlightenment itself had become a barrier to enlightenment. So he gave up on it and began to nurse himself back to health. His followers, not understanding, and disgusted at his weakness, left him; but he didn't care. After a little more time, as he sat begging, a woman brought him a big bowl of rice. He took this and divided it into 49 parts, deciding to eat this over the next 49 days as he sat in meditation under the bodhi tree. He resolved not to get up from that spot until he had achieved enlightenment.

The commentary card, The Middle Path, corresponds to the Temperance card. There is a lot of energy in this reading, a lot of motion, and my intuition is that the Temperance card is there to advise taking it easy with the new project and not burning out on it.

Advice for Jeff

(reading by Ali)

Judgement | Hanged Man | Page of Pentacles

Judgement (XX) - A call to new beginnings, restoration and wholeness, absolution and forgiveness. New life arising from death, a time of joy and rebirth. The trials and tribulations have passed and you are called, by destiny or a greater purpose, into renewed life in the light of a new dawn. Also, a time to reflect on the past and understand how the actions of yesterday have helped to shape today.

Hanged Man (XII) - Self-sacrifice, especially for the greater good. A time of release and surrender, letting go of the effort and will normally exerted towards concrete or practical accomplishments; instead, withdrawing into solitude, contemplation or more mystic/"spiritual" pursuits. "Turning the world upside down" to gain new perspective. This may be a period of difficulty - it depends on how willing or unwilling the sacrifice is.

Page of Pentacles - Opportunities for new growth and prosperity, a spark of initiative and potential offered. Grounded in earthy qualities like diligence, responsibility and practicality - relying on the tools and resources at hand - there is still a certain lightness and playfulness that accompanies every new beginning or intriguing opportunity. Also suggests an enjoyment of physical pleasures of the five senses, possibly in particular an engagement in nature (perhaps a literal garden?).

The Story - The energy of the cards doesn't seem to have one clear direction. The Angel of Judgement faces to the left to sound her call, but both the Hanged Man and the Page seem to face forward or out of the card (though the Hanged Man's body is turned to face towards the right, his head hangs down so that he's looking almost behind him). Considering the association of the Judgement card with the events of the past and the Page of Pentacles being associated with new opportunities, there is some indication that the energies should be read from left to right like a simple past-present-future spread. In this case, Judgement might be strongly indicative of the transformation and new life of spring (associated so strongly with Beltaine, especially with the undertones of death and "breaking free"). The Page of Pentacles might be associated closely in time with the Solstice, then - perhaps in a very literal way, as a time when your activities and projects are "bearing fruit" in the form of new opportunities or potential being realized… but in a way that still demands continued steady work and commitment in a very practical, grounded way. In the meantime, there's a suggestion, by the Hanged Man, of acceptance or surrender, perhaps a period of rest and release, turning inward to seek the inner wisdom of spirit… or perhaps simply in preparation for the work to come, in order to gain some new perspective or insight that might be useful for taking full advantage of those future opportunities when they arise.

Diary - Dream

Sun: pisces (water/mutable), 6:45am - 6:18pm
Moon: waxing crescent, aries (fire/cardinal)
Earth: sunny and cold, hovering around freezing for most of the morning and then warming into the afternoon, but the sun is golden on the snow and spring is coming


I had meant to type this dream up this morning, but didn't have a chance. I'm not sure exactly when or how it started, other than the usual "wandering around some place with old friends." In this case, I believe Ellen and other high school friends were with me. At some point, we were rushing through an airport, having just landed and disembarked the plane, when we came across Joe in a security officer's uniform (or police, I'm not sure which). I recognized him as we approached him, and he recognized me, confusion and amnesia in his eyes. This is not the first time he has appeared in my dreams as a go-between of the dead, as has Freddy since he died. This time in particular, his skin seemed dark, and he had the look about him of Hispanic-African American that Freddy had, though his height, body and build were his own and I knew him as Joe, calling him by that name in the dream itself. I walked up to him, seeing how bewildered and confused he was, not knowing he was dead and not knowing how he had gotten there. I felt overwhelmed with a kind of sweet grief and compassion for him. He looked at me and asked me where he was, what was going on. I explained that we were in an airport, that my friends and I had just gotten off our plane. He asked, "Is that the way I came to be here, too?" And I held my hand up to his face, touching his temple with my fingertips, and said, "No, baby, I'm sorry. You didn't come the way we came." (Considering that I would never call someone "baby," and in fact it's a pet peeve of mine, the naturalness with which I addressed him that way struck me as strange after I woke up.)

Then we were moving on, out of the airport, and we were in the College Landscape again - not the campus where I actually went to college, but a landscape that's a mash-up of several different campuses I've been to, all kind of heightened to an archetypal level. Huge, cinder-block dorm buildings stretched up around one part of campus, and academic buildings in another. Ellen was dragging me along to a play that some of her friends were in, and just as we were entering the posh-looking theater lobby, I realized I was carrying around the heating pad I use when I'm having bad cramps. I also didn't have any purse or bag with me, and I stopped her and asked if we could run back to the dorms so I could drop it off. When she insisted no, we were going to be late and it was my own fault for carrying it around with me, I replied, "Well, I was in pain, and if you had warned me we were going to a play, I would have at least brought my bag along to put it away." In the end, I think we decided to skip the play after all, because soon both of us ended up back in the dorm building section of campus.

I realized that I did not actually have a dorm room, yet, but had to choose one (as it was moving-in day for everyone, with the first arriving able to snatch up the nicest rooms). I lost track of Ellen at some point as we each went off to search for our rooms — I think she went off to a hall or suite where a bunch of her friends were already rooming together. I found a house-like section of a dorm building (much like the honors students' house I was in in college), and decided to try to find a room there. I had been explaining to someone earlier (perhaps Ellen), that I had tried for an MFA once before, but just could not find the right fit for me and so I had decided to leave the program. This time, however, I was enthusiastic that my grad school experience would be much better. As I wandered this section of the dorm building, I found a stairwell curving up in one part of the house, and I followed it up. It seemed there was a room in the very peak of one of the gables, and I thought it might afford some privacy and a nice view... but as I climbed the stairwell, it got smaller and smaller, until I could barely squeeze through it. At the top, there was a tiny trap door just barely big enough for me to wriggle my shoulders and hips through, and then a room hardly bigger than a bathroom, half of which was taken up by a huge porcelain claw-footed tub, and another part by a desk, with only half a mattress on the floor to sleep on. I recognized this as the room I'd stayed in before during that semester of MFA work, and understood suddenly why I hadn't brought a purse with me to the play — there was no room for anything but me to fit through the door, not even a purse, let along a backpack or laptop or pile of books. I remembered hating going back to my restrictive room and never feeling like I could get things in or out easily. Then I understood that this was why grad school had never "fit" before — I had literally been too cramped and isolated up in the attic. There was some impression that this was supposed to be "my" room, but I decided, fuck that, and turned and walked back down the spiral staircase from where I'd come. Reaching the second floor, I found that one of the rooms was still free and unclaimed there — it had huge double doors leading into a spacious suite with a half partition, and huge windows overlooking the campus. The central hallway of the floor, where the steps came up from the floor below, was more like a sitting area, wide open with several groups of furniture (couches and comfy chairs) arranged for lounging and socializing. For a second, I felt a rise of panic when I realized that, if I chose that room right in the middle of everything, there was no way I could avoid people, I would definitely be mingling and socializing much more. But I squared my shoulders and decided that this was necessary, if I was going to give myself the space I needed to stay sane and healthy (and be able to accessorize with large purses for books and heating pads, and gaze out those huge windows to the horizon).

It was about then that I woke up.

My impression of this dream, which was quite vivid and visceral, was that it reflects to some extent the change in attitude I've had towards my writing recently, and deciding to embrace the idea of a "writing career" instead of turning my nose up at teaching and such as a distraction from writing. A couple weeks ago, I had two nights of dreams in a row that involved me wandering around huge, mansion-like houses with many rooms and winding hallways — getting lost in them and discovering strangers and folks in unexpected rooms where someone was holding lessons or leading choir rehearsal, things like that. I've come to think of these "house" dreams as being about my own personality (or perhaps, more specifically, my mind). When I was teaching myself how to draw several years back, I had a bunch of intense dreams in a row about being in in my "house" and pulling aside empty boxes or clutter to discover whole empty rooms I'd never known about, and the excitement of realizing that I had more "space" in which to live and enjoy than I'd known about before. This seemed almost too obvious a metaphor for "discovering new talents" by exercising a skill I had never realized I had. These recent dreams, centering on strangers being in the house and how I react to them, seems like it has to do with my ego sorting out its attitudes towards developing a more "public" face for my work... and the fact that these have all centered around or involved teaching or group gatherings in some way makes me think that it's particularly that aspect of my career that I've been trying to incorporate. It's hard to find a better metaphor for my experience of grad school before, and how my attitude has changed since then, than this idea of living up in a tiny, cramped attic with a door almost too small to fit through — so that I feel both as though I don't have a home and as though it's impossible to bring things "out" to share with others (or make my life easier, like having a purse so I could carry necessary items with me without being exposed and awkward). Moving down to the second floor and accepting that I will be interacting with others, but doing it for the spaciousness and accessibility, is a pretty good metaphor for my change in perspective recently. Instead of feeling overwhelmed, hedged in and vulnerable, I feel up to the challenge, knowing I'll also have a real "home" to come home to at night.

I'm not sure what role Joe played in all this, other than to be there for me as a guided into that deeper dream state. Perhaps I am feeling to some extent a "death" of some kind, too, a dying to the old self and a rebirth, though it is different from his literal dying. The fact that, when he was alive, he held a position of authority in my life, which he held lightly and with humor, and was also acting selflessly as a volunteer when he died, means that he's always been a kind of gentle, but forthright guide for me in these kinds of dreams (often seeming to involve life-and-death, like the dream about my unborn son-that-never-was)... even if we never were all that close when he was alive.

Diary

Days of Note: first robin of spring

Sun: aquarius (air/fixed), 7:22am - 5:47pm
Moon: waxing crescent, aries (fire/cardinal)
Earth: snow overnight, layering a few inches this morning and still coming down in large, lazy flakes

This morning as I was getting dressed, I glanced out the bedroom window to spot the first robin of the still-so-new season of spring — in fact, a whole flock of them! Flitting and gliding between the neighbor's low bushes across the street, and the bare branches of the sycamore tree just downhill of our driveway. I counted at least fifteen of them, feathers ruffled and puffed out fat and fluffy against the cold, the unmistakably familiar red breast and dark wings. In among them was a single, brilliant red cardinal. I watched them for a good five minutes, dancing and weaving through the falling snow, dark creatures swinging through a dim white-and-gray landscape.

I could hardly contain my excitement about them. Playing through my mind again was the admonition of Brigid, from the Sassafras Grove Imbolc ritual three nights ago when the priestess drew the omen after our offerings had been made: "Spring comes through nature. Go out into nature to observe the real signs of spring coming." I took this to heart, as it echoed the advice I've been sensing from her for a while. The need to get back out there, ground in the woods and fields unrolling beneath the sky. I've allowed the winter's cold to intimidate me and keep me huddled in my home, feeling frustrated with the restless energy of cabin fever. The priestess interpreted the omen to be a gentle warning: do not sit in your warm, cozy homes and simply visualize spring coming — go out into the woods, go out to walk upon the earth, and see what is truly around us.

I can't help but think that this is also a plea for our attention and attending. That there are whole flocks of robins here and yet it seems so early.... It's been a long, unusually cold winter, yet already the robins are here. Part of me worries about the health of our planet, the extremes in season that seem to be increasing with every year. I think Brigid is not only asking us to attend to nature for our own good, but because the earth desperately needs us to be paying attention, to be listening for the signs of the dancing, turning seasons so that we can better recognize when that dance is out of balance or disrupted too drastically. In past years, sometimes I've felt spring hardly lasted — only a few weeks of mild, muddy weather before the heat of summer began to creep back in around the edges. Will that pattern repeat itself this year? I cannot know if I am not attending to the signs in the natural world around me, if I am too busy inside in front of a computer screen to notice the real world outside.

Still, a flock of robins is a blessing, and they were so beautiful! Spring cannot be so far away, when I can remember the fields bespeckled with dozens and dozens of robins hopping over muddy ground seeking out worms and bugs in the newly green grass. Just a little longer....

(I do intend to write about the Sassafras Grove Imbolc ritual. As soon as I have the chance!)

Diary

Days of Note: Brigantia Ritual with Sassafras Grove

Sun: aquarius (air/fixed), 7:26am - 5:43pm
Moon: waxing crescent, pisces (water/mutable)
Earth: chilly and rainy, gray, much of the snow melting away leaving behind slick ice and patches of old, dead grass

I have decided to cease updating this diary on a daily basis. Although it was a practice recommended by DOTR as part of their aspirant work, I have found pretty consistently that it was leading me to a place of frustration and blockage. I'm sure the daily diary wasn't the only source of these feelings, but beyond a doubt it contributed. The process of sitting down to list out the thoughts and activities of each day, for weeks on end, often left me feeling as though I were being scrutinized under a microscope, each day analyzed for its valuable or important content (and, more often than not, coming up lacking). The practice was, at least for me, one that was overly analytical — in the original sense of the word, as the opposite of synthesis, meaning to "break apart" or to separate out and make judgements. The etymological roots of "analysis" also have to do with "setting free, loosening," and for some people I'm sure that this kind of practice, with its simple daily structure, could do just that. (It seems like the kind of thing that Jeff would appreciate and enjoy doing.) But for me, I long for the composition of "synthesis," and the silence of the space-between the moments of that process. Trying to keep a brief diary structure every day kept me stuck in a hamster wheel of analysis while still failing to give me the space to compose my thoughts and feelings and express them as fully as I wanted. I don't think I would have been comfortable rambling on in this way about a subject seemingly tangential to the purpose of this diary, for instance, in the old format.

So the daily diary format recommend by DOTR just does not work for me. I have been keeping a journal of one kind of another for most of my life now, starting back in middle school at the recommendation of one of my mother's friends (who was a school counselor). The practice comes and goes, and when I look back I have only a patchwork record of my life, most of it boring or silly, or both. I admit, the idea of creating a daily record of events and thoughts appealed to my intellectual side — being able to look back over the course of a year and look for coincidences and patterns seemed fascinating. But in the end, the effort of creating such a record would defeat its purpose. Since taking up the practice, most of my entries have focused on feelings of frustration and restriction. The days when I've been most alive and eager have been those days when I most wanted not to bother with the diary. (This is how it often goes, I've heard.) But that's how it should be. We shouldn't necessarily want a nice and accurate daily record of life — we don't experience it that way, and we don't remember it that way. Trying to keep such a record is almost entirely future-focused: it's an activity you do now so that you can benefit from it in the future. There's not anything wrong with that per se, but I was finding that it interfered with my ability to ground myself in the present. Since making the decision about a week ago to officially "give it up," I find myself feeling much freer and more relaxed about the structure of my days. There is not so much a push to Accomplish Great Things, and so my days are quieter and gentler and a little bit more playful. Sometimes, that's exactly what I need. I am not a machine. Not every day will be interesting or full of relevance. I'm okay with that.

But I do want to continue to use this diary as a place to chronicle my progress through the DOTR Aspirant lessons which, feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, I stopped pursuing for the last several weeks. Now, feeling grounded in the present and freed from constant self-consciousness about my days, I feel up to the task of returning to that work.

I also want to include in this the developing aspects of my relationship with Brigid Star Fire, and the online "Lady of the Stars" group that has grown up in response to her inspiration. That was an unpredicted event, but one that I am so grateful for — being involved in this group has continued to strengthen my relationship with her and give me many opportunities to explore her Mysteries. I will probably be writing a longer entry on this some time in the near future, I hope.

I also want to note in this diary whatever other Druidry-related activities or events are going on in my life. For instance, tonight I am planning to attend the Brigantia Ritual being hosted by the Sassafras Grove, the local ADF grove in Pittsburgh. This will, for all intents and purposes, be my first non-festival, non-family group ritual as a Pagan. Most of my work until now has been solitary, or working with Jeff and the kids in small family rites on the solar and fire festivals throughout the year. When Jeff and I attended the Festival of Lights (I think that was its name?) with Cat and Peter up in Massachusetts last year, we participated in the large group ceremony that opened the festival weekend — but in my mind, that hardly counts as an actual ritual, since it was mostly all of us standing in a crowded conference room while a few people spoke prayers or songs of welcome. To me, it's not a real ritual without a few candles and some incense, at least. (Years ago, I also attended a summer solstice ritual with a group of eclectic Pagans in the woods — but I attended as an academic researcher and "token Christian" then, so... not quite the same.)

Which means tonight, I'll be attending my "first" group ritual with fellow Druids. I am actually quite nervous about it (had a dream last night about almost everything going wrong: getting lost, forgetting my offerings, not being able to dress appropriately, etc.), mostly because I'm shy in person and tend to clam up around strangers. I'm not sure what to expect. I've been wanting to start making contacts in the local community for a long time now, and looking at Sassafras Grove in particular as one of the most active Druid groups around, and well connected within ADF. But their public rituals throughout the year have largely focused on Norse or Saxon pantheons, and their workshops and discussion groups have been scheduled during times when I couldn't go (or didn't know about them until too late). Even this ritual is dedicated to Brigantia — Brigid in her Romano-Celtic context — which is not often how I work with her. But then, I work with her in a way that is probably fairly unique and not necessarily supported by current academic research. (She's not exactly known as a Star Goddess.) But I decided that I could spend a lot of time coming up with reasons why the Sassafras Grove wasn't a good fit, lots of reasons why they don't do things quite the way I would.... in the end, these were just excuses to stay in my solitary practice instead of reaching out to make contact and forge connections. In honor of Brigid, and her holy day of Imbolc, a day of new beginnings and coming spring, I thought it would be a good time to suck it up and face my nerves.

So I will also be updating this diary about my ritual and meditative experiences, as a way to process my experiences and sift through the thoughts, feelings and spiritual shifts that arise because of them. I hope that I'll be attending more group events in the future. If and when I do, I'll be writing about them here.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:33am - 4:53pm
Moon: waxing crescent, pisces (water/mutable)
Earth: sunny all day, no snowfall, warmer than it has been, high near 50

Thoughts: spent lot of time (too much time) today bothering about Emily - not worrying or even feeling angry, so much as going over the details of the situation, first with Jeff again this morning and then with my mother; wondering a bit why I can't seem to get into the "holiday spirit" this year, but not too bothered by it

Actions: composed a letter to Emily (which I have not sent, yet); spent much of the day working on a craft project as a test to see how difficult it would be to do with the kids; emailed my parents about Christmas gifts and then called my mom to talk about various issues regarding shipping/delivery, etc.; otherwise, mostly hung out with the kids

Connections: I find I'm feeling rather irritated; Jeff seems exhausted though I'm not sure why he's more tired than any usual Saturday, but when he gets like this it's like pulling teeth to get any response from him or any commitment one way or another; I also find I spent much of the day feeling annoyed by Josh, who is clearly testing limits and deliberately doing things after I ask him not to - which is fine, but I have no patience for that and he's not going to goad me into anger... I'm more likely to just stop dealing with him altogether; but I do wish we understood what his behavioral issues stem from so we could get him to stop being so obnoxious and rude

Daily Tarot Card: The King of Cups is wise, calm and infinitely patient. Deeply in touch with the waters of intuition and emotion, he is able to sense which way the currents are moving. He is a caring protector of his domain, and though he may not always appear active or organized to the outside perspective, his tolerance and understanding of others guides him well to make the choices that will cleanse the heart and keep the ways of communication open and clear. (My note: I sense from this card a bit of chastisement for not appreciating Jeff more, and perhaps the advice to defer to his wisdom, especially in the matters of Emily and Josh. On my part, I will need to find the patience to give him the time he needs to "tap into" that part of him that harbors his deeper wisdom, and perhaps take on a role of protector, too, to guard the space he may need to seek it.)

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:32am - 4:53pm
Moon: waxing crescent, aquarius (air/fixed)
Earth: cold all day, though slightly warmer than it has been, light fluffy snow falling

Thoughts: thinking about deity identity and the nature of group conflict and group coherence; thinking about good storytelling and the nature of good narrative; worried a little bit about Emily, considering we never did confront her about her threatening to keep Jeff from seeing the kids, and wondering if we're going to sit down and talk to the kids at some point this weekend about the wedding or not, or maybe put it off until next week

Actions: plugging away at work (received my first official paycheck today!); took some time in the middle of the day to go see "Voyage of the Dawn Treader" with Jeff; had a wonderful dinner and watches "Bones" and "The Office" tonight, both excellent episodes; posted to Wedding on the Edge; posted several times to the Lady of the Stars group and very much enjoying that group despite some of the tension over the past couple days

Connections: I hope work isn't making my brain duller, as I have to commit four to five hours four days a week to emptying the mind and just plugging away at the task; or perhaps this will be good for me, give my analytical mind a rest for a while and let things slip back into perspective; I have been more cheerful the past few days - looks like regular meditation and yoga is helping, especially switching the diary entries to the evening while still doing the meditation in the morning

Daily Tarot Card: The Knight of Pentacles has the patience and determination to commit to a particular goal and follow through, undaunted by distractions and temptations and served well by his cautious nature. He makes gradual but important progress; his motto could almost be "slow and steady wins the race." Undeterred by obstacles, his passion expresses itself in perseverance, unwavering devotion and loyalty and a work ethic that is unmatched in its diligence and concentration, though he may also sometimes seem to lack creativity or initiative. These more energetic traits are not what distinguish the Knight of Pentacles, but a willingness to plod along doing the hard and often unglamorous work that needs to be done in order to ensure success.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:31am - 4:53pm
Moon: waxing crescent, aquarius (air/fixed)
Earth: cold, though not as windy, mix of sun and snow all day

Thoughts: having to justify myself to readers and commenters on my blog about why requesting donations as expressions of support and appreciation for my writing doesn't make me "mercenary," while also accepting the gratitude and support being offered from others (a difficult balancing act, I do not want to tread anywhere near guilt-tripping); thinking about trolls and how detrimental they are to the atmosphere of online websites and blogs, how they can be so toxic to community coherence; otherwise, generally focused on work today (which was dull dull dull); checking in with the Lady of the Star Fire group to find an on-going conversation about deity identity which sparked some interesting dinner conversation for Jeff and me

Actions: got in a good chunk of contractor work today, though it was rather tedious and I felt somewhat unfocused; no yoga this morning, unfortunately; meditation tonight for Brigid; otherwise, plugging away, feeling good about the work

Connections: my ambivalence about blogging continues to waver back and forth, so that I'm not sure if I should be striving to help "be the change I wish to see" online, or just throw my hands up; I'm sure a balance is probably going to be the appropriate approach in the end

Daily Tarot Card: The World (XXI) is a card of connection, fulfillment and peace of mind, a weaving of the heart and mind, of intuition and action, creativity and receptivity, in ways that engage us deeply in all of the life and wonder that surrounds us in the great cycles and spirals of life, death and rebirth. We accept life as it comes, able to touch our grief and sorrows without being overwhelmed by them, able to dance and sing our joys, our passion and love without being carried away by them. This is the card of the beginning-in-the-end, the culmination and fulfillment that gives rise to new beginnings in the ever-spinning dance of the universe.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:30am - 4:53pm
Moon: waxing crescent, capricorn (earth/cardinal)
Earth: bitter cold but sunny all day, windy, snow falling like crystalline glitter tossed and shimmering in rays of light

Thoughts: figuring out how to deal with the heat issue; wondering about the prevalence of cups in my tarot readings recently; contemplating Brigid as Creatrix, Goddess of creation and creativity

Actions: dealing with Marty showing up relatively unannounced this morning to take a look at the furnace in the basement; meditation this morning and attempt at active imagination, but couldn't concentrate; spent all afternoon working on DOTR lesson 2, honoring the ancestors, researching the history of Lancaster and Allegheny counties and trying to think of all of the "ancestors of the spirit" who have influenced my path; posted part two of final blog post series; emailed Mike and Alta about family tree information

Connections: a "day off" in a real honest-to-goodness sense of no work, no kids and no guilt feelings over writing obligations, it felt nice to just spend the day digging deep into the ancestry research (and even then I feel that I barely scratched the surface, especially when it comes to my blood ancestors, the people I'm descended from)

Daily Tarot Card: The Eight of Pentacles represents the worker engaged in the dance and weave of the work, the activity of creativity manifesting in physical form, and the willingness to engage in the work with all of your skill, intellect and effort in order to experiment and, through the process of work itself, to discover new things. This is a card of both motivation and inspiration, a card of work coming to an end while the exploration continues and generates new ideas and skills to be turned towards new projects in the future. And always, the work is on-going and the product, in some ways, ephemeral, glistening suspended like a web on which the dew collects in tiny, shimmering stars. While we often think of the material world being the realm of the concrete and lasting forms giving expression to numinous spiritual realities, the physical realm itself is characterized by flux, change, evolution and the cycles of growth, decay and rebirth. Work always leads to work, a passionate engagement in the process itself gives its own pleasures and rewards.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:30am - 4:53pm
Moon: waxing crescent, capricorn (earth/cardinal)
Earth: windy and snowy all day, bitterly cold

Thoughts: stressing out about the PNC editorial meeting and finally making the decision to step down from the volunteer position; stressing out about the heat in the apartment being almost useless and trying to figure out a way to deal with that that won't cost us hundreds in wasted energy; stressed about Christmas/Solstice gifts; stressed about Dad telling me Mom feels left out of the wedding planning and not sure what to do about that when she's more interested in the small details and not in the stuff that actually needs to get done; stressed about finally announcing on the blog that I'll be going on "hiatus" and the fallout from that, which has been a lot of kind, supportive lip service (and friendly advice about how to monetize the blog and sell merchandise through CafePress); just, stressed in general

Actions: lots of work done today, including scheduling the final posts to go up on the blog; ran out to run errands during lunch and then after dinner; got a portable space heater to use that will hopefully help us deal with the heating problem (maybe Jeff can call about the heater tomorrow?); generally just ranted to Jeff about everything

Connections: I'm feeling exhausted and strung out, expected to make commitments to a ton of things that have no benefit to me and offer no support to my own work, let alone financial support; feeling very bitter about hypocrisy, but also really not wanting to let people down and kicking myself for berating myself and wishing I could just act selfishly (and it's not even all that selfish!) without feeling guilty; yet when it's just me and I sit down to just do the work I have to do, I feel really good about my productivity, and I feel engaged and accomplished and pleased with the work I'm doing (and that goes for paid work as well as unpaid writing work); so I just don't know anymore; this is a rough patch, I guess, is all

Daily Tarot Card: The Ace of Cups reassures that sometimes a withdrawal into dream and imagination is just the beginning, the first step towards greater depth, deeper connection and more intimate, authentic love for the self, for others and for life. This is the first drop of rain that soon becomes a storm, the first trickle from the spring that becomes a raging river. The first ripple that moves through the smooth surface of a still pond. The Ace of Cups is the gift of beginnings, the gift of discovering and entering into source, where our emotions and intuitions connect us into the greater flow of the world.

Daily Diary

Days of Note: Veteran's Day

Sun: scorpio (water/fixed), 7:01 am - 5:06 pm
Moon: waxing crescent, capricorn (earth/cardinal), soon to be void-of-course
Earth: bright, sunny, warm, quite gorgeous out, golden leaves on the trees along the broad streets (though in the woods most of the leaves have fallen)

Thoughts: "Freedom isn't free; as with love, the cost of freedom is giving it to others." / "Freedom arises from right relationship. It cannot be bought by violence and war." wondering about when exactly my new job will start - they're in the process of sorting out exactly what they want me to do; spending a lot of time today working on ideas about Brigid of the Forge/Brigid of the Stars and exchanging thoughts with other members of the group; very much want to work on some ritual, plan out a preliminary meditation

Actions: no yoga today (slipped on the steps and hurt my right leg and right arm, so quite sore today); meditation, time at the library; otherwise mostly waiting to hear from the new boss about work and taking it easy

Connections: free time to spend contemplating and planning this ritual work for Brigid, which is nice; I'm giving Veteran's Day a pass this year, with the two thoughts (shared above) being my only comment on the matter; interestingly, it's saving a lot of stress and frustration not bothering to get into arguments with pro-war/military folks

Daily Tarot Card: Strength (VIII) is a card of both power and receptivity, representing a willingness and courage to listen, to learn about oneself and the subconscious, animal impulses at the root of one's nature. It depicts not brute force, but strength tempered by patience, calm composure and balance. Both fragile and fierce, strength stands poised between will and action.

Daily Diary

Sun: scorpio (water/fixed) 6:59 am - 5:08 pm
Moon: waxing crescent, capricorn (earth/cardinal)
Earth: bright and sunny morning, bit warmer than yesterday (high near 60)

Thoughts: mostly excitement about the new (potential) job, and nervousness about what it will entail; also, brainstorming about Brigid ritual, writing some liturgy/poetry/chants/recitations; wanting to finish post for P+P, though with new job not sure when that will get done; concerned a bit for Jeff, who seems to be struggling with a head cold and feeling generally lousy

Actions: yoga this morning, meditation, signed contract for independent consultant work; one of two possibilities for the rest of the day — either first day of work; or "wedding wednesday," organize info on photographers and caterers into spreadsheet with contact info, email officiant, review budget and timeline; register with TCN; clean out and reorganize upstairs closet

Connections: amazed and grateful about the job opportunity and really hoping it works out; priorities now suddenly being rearranged, and yet I find myself looking forward to having structured time for work apart from all the many other things I want to be doing (almost as though work can function as an excuse to "not be available" for a little while); I think this daily meditation is quite helpful in getting some perspective on my work load and just how much I really am trying to do during any given day (also helps me feel not as guilty if I spend x number of hours on a project and then don't finish it - I can still count the time I've put in, instead of judging only by what I finish)

Daily Tarot Card: The Ten of Cups celebrates the fulfillment and culmination of peace and serenity. Success and happiness, especially of an emotional and spiritual nature, have arrived at last, and the formalizing of a bond or union brings both stability and great joy. Whatever difficulties lie ahead, your joy will see you through it.

Daily Diary

Sun: scorpio, water/fixed
Moon: waxing crescent, capricorn (earth/cardinal)
Earth: bright and sunny, a little warmed than yesterday (mid to high 50s)

Thoughts: feeling overwhelmed and slightly panicked thinking about trying to write a piece for Pagan+Politics about water-boarding, or TSA enhanced pat-downs, or PA Homeland Security keeping tabs on law-abiding citizens, or anything, really; feeling utterly helpless and lost in the dark, reading about torture and our culture of violence and fear; on a more individual level, worried that no one seems interested in donating to Meadowsweet and my readership has actually gone down since announcing the donation drive; may possibly have a part-time job opportunity in the near future (nervous about doing well, of course, but also eager to prove myself — we'll see how it pans out); on the edge (always on the edge) of just giving it up, giving up trying to stay engaged politically, wanting to run away, to move to some other country.... like the ones who walked away from Omelas; but then, the soul-image of being in the dark woods full of monsters, frightened to trembling and tears, holding the bright sword of starlight above my head, refusing to fight, trying to be a light and a guide for peace...

Actions: take a deep breath; some gentle yoga this morning because I woke up so absolutely sore; a walk in the woods is definitely looking like a good idea today; be available if my brother has any follow-up questions on the revision advice I gave him yesterday; try to figure out a way to sit and write about politics without feeling overcome with despair and grief (what helps?)

Connections: today what's on my mind is all about the things I feel compelled and called to do, and just how much a part of me resists that or feels incapable of rising to the challenge — I "should" be writing for P+P, as it's been too long again already, but sometimes I feel as though I can't face our country and our culture in the mirror in the morning; the things I need to do today are welcome distractions, little daily things that don't matter to much of anyone outside a few people... and yet I feel guilty and impotent, part of the culture of privilege that languishes in blissful ignorance of those who suffer on our behalf... And grief. Sometimes there are days when what you really need to do is grieve.

Daily Tarot Card: The Nine of Wands urges perseverance and vigilance in a time of potential danger or difficulty, and carries the reminder that strength comes from within, from the center of our being. Past conflicts and challenges may have left us cynical or scarred, but they have also taught us to trust in our resiliency and to cherish our innocence, refusing to become pugnacious or paranoid.

Daily Diary

Sun: scorpio, water/fixed
Moon: waxing crescent, sagittarius (fire/mutable)
Earth: bright, sunny morning, very cold right now but getting warmer

Thoughts: brainstorming ideas for wood craft project (stencils, other techniques); remembered the "red sheep" from high school/college, wondering if I still have the icon I made, musing on the connections to Brigid, perhaps getting it as a tattoo someday; thinking about elements of writing a ritual for Brigid with the Hazel and Oak SIG on TC; thinking about kids being reckless with things in the house (and talking back "maybe you should not have stuff that can get broken," which really annoyed me — what kind of excuse when an adult asks them not to shove and wrestle each other but wait their turn when hanging up coats... seriously); more potential thoughts on sustainability, rooted in the earth; finding your audience where they are — but challenging them to move, to end up somewhere new as a result of the work; workshops and presentations also an art form in a way, it's okay to start simple and work from there

Actions: yoga this morning, meditation, breakfast, craft project experiments (painting, etc.), possibly grocery shopping today?, work on a blog post (finish response to "God is Not One" post by Star — perhaps start new post, either anarchism and democracy, or sustainability rooted in earth), definitely look over Dan's grad school application personal essay and get back to him on it; look into David Smith's podcast details and decide if I want to guest (if so, prepare a topic to stay focused); try to get out for a walk in the woods, if not today (still very cold), maybe tomorrow

Connections: morning routine is very enjoyable and helpful (though I really want to get started on it earlier in the future) esp. for brainstorming about the day's plans; I'm starting to feel like a lot of my "actions" really are thoughts or contemplation, and I'm not sure how helpful it is to separate "action" from "thought" in this way; a lot of the things I do require time brainstorming or daydreaming, that's where the creativity comes in; it is helpful to outline what tasks I'm able to check off of a to-do list, but in the larger scheme of things, I feel that I'm often doing more pondering than "doing," if only because often I can think while acting; still, it's nice to have times like yoga and craft projects when my focus is externalized and engaged in physical work

Daily Tarot Card: The Two of Wands symbolizes personal power, influence, authority and to some extent a certain amount of success — yet within this success, also a degree of isolation or separation, as the one with authority and power stands out from the rest, distinguishes herself. The polarity or dynamism of two creates tension — power and effective action have brought you to a "high place" where you can survey the scene and determine what bold initiative to pursue next, but that same power can also cloud the mind, obscure right judgement and isolate you from the context that might give your actions meaning.