DOTR Initiation - Questions & Answers

1. How do you affirm that we are a community of Druids walking personal paths, and your desire to be one of us?

The Druid Order of the Three Realms embraces concepts like integrity, respect, community, service and interdependence - all values that have been deeply embedded in my own spiritual path even before I learned to call it by the name of Druidry. The encouragement and support I've received from DOTR members, and from my mentor B— in particular, during my year as a DOTR Aspirant have been invaluable to me as I've worked to refine and expand my Druid practice beyond what I've learned as a member of OBOD and AODA in the past.

The Druid Order of the Three Realms also embodies a balance of community engagement and personal exploration in a nonhierarchical way that moves beyond the usual organizational models of modern Revival Druidry based on the old social fraternities, and I find myself very much in tune with this new approach that remains open to the changing reality for religious institutions in a (post-)postmodern world. I would be honored and proud to count myself a member of the Order, and I look forward to be an active and contributing member in the future!


2. How do you affirm a vital relationship with the Earth, our mother?

In my daily life I adopt a handful of "green"/eco-friendly practices, including a vegetarian diet of largely organic, locally-grown foods (recently promoted by the UN as the most effective lifestyle change a person can make to help reduce their impact on the planet). I also strive whenever possible to avoid using plastics and to reduce my energy consumption; my husband and I also started a composting program for our old apartment building (and happily, the apartment complex we're moving into in Seattle has a composting program already in place!).

I'm the founder, project manager and a contributing writer for the Pagan Newswire Collective blog project, No Unsacred Place: Earth and Nature in Pagan Traditions, where I coordinate essays, articles and news pieces promoting ecological awareness and environmentalism among Pagans and exploring the many ways that Druids, Witches and Pagans embrace nature spirituality in their diverse traditions. I also contribute to Aontacht Magazine as their new Wild Earth feature editor, and as a writer and blogger I share my experiences and contemplations about our sacred relationship with the Earth on my blog through poems, stories and personal reflections.

In my personal spiritual practice, relationship with the Earth and the natural local landscape holds a place of primary importance. While living in Pittsburgh, I made hillwalking in the nearby wooded nature preserve a regular part of my practice and often held personal rituals and meditations out doors (in all kinds of weather!). My altar and household shrines reflected the changing seasons of the local landscape and honored the plants, animals and other inhabitants sharing the land with me.

Now, moving to Seattle, I hope to continue making time outside connecting with the natural world a central part of my spiritual life. I've applied to volunteer with the local parks service as an amateur naturalist, for which I'll receive seasonal training about the ecology of the local bioregion(s) and then be able to pass on that learning to others through public and student-oriented educational programs and guided explorations of the many urban green spaces in the city. I might also have the chance to adopt a few acres of a nearby park as part of the forest restoration effort.


3. How do you celebrate the Sun and its sacred days both alone and together in the grove?

My husband, Jeff, and I have been celebrating each of the eight holy days (the four solar festivals and four Celtic fire festivals) together for the past few years, and we're often able to include Jeff's kids in the celebrations as well. Our celebrations are usually very simple, and include making offerings to the three realms of land, sea and sky, as well as singing songs and telling stories that resonate with the spiritual significance of the time of year. Usually for the summer and winter solstices, we rise before dawn and make our way to the local park where we climb the highest hill and greet the sun as it rises above the horizon (the kids' favorite song to sing on these occasions is They Might Be Giants' "Why Does the Sun Shine?"). This past year, Jeff and I planned our wedding to coincide with the autumnal equinox, in celebration of our relationship of balance between masculine and feminine, light and dark, day and night, activity and receptivity and the many other sacred dualities that go into forming a sacred marriage. (We were also very lucky to be able to include our families and friends in our Druid ceremony on the beach, on the threshold of the three realms, for which we feel especially blessed.)

On certain occasions, I will also hold personal observances of the holidays in a more formal ritual fashion (Jeff is not as keen on ritual). For these rituals, I usually build off of the DOTR outline and incorporate my own chants, prayers and meditative trance-work. This is the closest I'm able to come to participating in DOTR grove rituals as a long-distance member, but I hope that someday down the road I might be able to find others in the local area who want to work within the DOTR ritual model and hold in-person rituals together, too.


4. How do you hear the call to the inner life, and how are you weaving a wisdom that is both personal and communal?

It is mostly through my writing and my poetry that I engage with my inner life and explore the work of soul and spirit in their many different forms, but I also use meditation, trance-work and dreams to connect to this inner realm. Besides the DOTR Three Realms Working, I've developed a daily meditation of my own (Peace of the Three Realms) based on the Druid Prayer for Peace, that helps me to align with the energies of land, sea and sky as well as with the Druidic elements of nwyfre, gwyar and calas, and I've also begun to explore (although only a little) working with the Three Cauldrons from Celtic tradition. Through trance-work, I explore my inner landscapes with the guidance of Badger, my primary spirit/animal guide; and in dream, I seem practically unable to avoid bumping into Manannan every once in a while!

I also use divination to connect with my gods as well as my intuition/soul/subconscious (whatever you want to call it!). Mostly this is through tarot cards and occasionally other oracle card decks, but I plan to embark on a more serious study of the ogham as soon as I'm settled in Seattle!

I've also been studying astrology, and particularly the psychological approach to astrology best exemplified in the work of astrologers like Liz Greene and Stephen Arroyo, for the past year, complimented by a deeper exploration of Jungian archetypes and mythological patterns found in the works of Joseph Campbell and Mircea Eliade. This work has afforded me a great deal of insight into my own psyche and the patterns that underlie some of my approaches to life, the world and other people. I'm looking forward to exploring ways that I can utilize this insight and the framework established by astrological study to serve my community by understanding better what unique gifts I have to offer and maybe even by providing astrological counseling for others at some point. (I've started offering to do free natal chart readings online and have already had about two dozen clients!)


5. What special work have you taken on, for yourself, for others, for our community?

As I mentioned above, I've been exploring the possibility of providing astrological counseling as a service to the community in the near future. I've also worked as a writer and editor to help create opportunities for discussion and exploration in the Pagan community through articles, essays and blog posts focusing on our relationship with the Earth. On a few occasions, I've helped draft rituals or liturgies as a part of an online group celebrating together (these have mostly been through my work as a Flamekeeper with a Brighidine Cill, exploring Brighid's role as a solar and stellar goddess).

To be honest, since most of this work has been online in one way or another, I've sometimes struggled over the past year to remember to make any special spiritual/religious work a priority for myself as well as for others. It's been a challenge to take time to devote to my personal spiritual life and seek out work that benefits me even if it doesn't seem to have any greater benefits for the communities I belong to. I want to strive to do better at this in the future, to nurture the wellspring of my own personal spirituality as well as continue to be committed to my community/public work.


6. How do you find balance in the three: the sky, the earth and the sea? How are the Three Realms becoming a way of life for you?

The dynamic balance and relationship of the Three Realms informs my spirituality at the deepest level, and provides a flexible, adaptive context for all of my spiritual work. I begin every ritual or meditation session by attuning to the energies of the Three Realms and honoring the deities, the ancestors and the spirits of the land.

At times, my view of the Three Realms is of them as overlapping spheres: below, above and sacred center (or axis mundi), or the immanent, transcendent and the manifest worlds - which roughly correspond to sea, sky and land. At other times, particularly when I'm outside in natural landscapes performing rituals or sitting in meditation, I connect with the Three Realms much more immediately as the very real spaces that make up the local landscape - the winds, weather, sun and stars of the physical sky, the rolling hills and dense forests of the physical land, and the murmuring waves and rocking tides of the physical sea and the waters that run through the earth in rivers and streams. I try to hold these two understandings of the Three Realms - the literal and the theological - together as a kind of sacred paradox, instead of reducing one to the other. So I see in the sky the transcendent theological realm of the gods, and in the sea the immanent sacred waters of life of which all things are made... but I also see the physical sky and sea, too, in all their complexity and overlapping, interconnected relationship.

The expression of the Three Realms through the three Druidic elements of nwyfre, gwyar and calas has also given me a way of understanding the different processes and energies in the world and how they balance, interact with and give rise to each other. I understand nwyfre as force, energy and source; gwyar as flow, change and relationship; and calas as form, manifestation and natural limitation or boundaries. I see these as different from the traditional/classic four elements of earth, air, fire and water. While these four are more like "building blocks," the stuff that all things are made up of, the three Druidic elements of nwyfre, gwyar and calas are more like aspects or principles describing the basic, essentials ways that the four elements express and interact. The metaphor I've used before (and the best I've been able to come up with so far) is that the four classic elements of earth, air, fire and water are like the notes of a scale, and the elements of nwyfre, gwyar and calas describe the shape, progression and process of joining these individual notes into a melody.


7. Can you say that this path of the Druid is your path and that you wish to take it up as your practice for your life in this world?

Yes! Most definitely, whole-heartedly, a thousand times yes!

Letter to Mentor

Bob,

It's been just over two months since my last letter to you. As I mentioned in my letter at the beginning of August, I'd decided to put DOTR work aside until after our wedding and honeymoon, but of course my Druidry work more generally never really ceases! Now that it's October, I'm easing back into a somewhat stable routine of spiritual practice, and I'm thinking of using Samhain as an ideal time to renew my work on the DOTR lessons (primarily those focused on the four elements). This will give me time to get that Stephen Arroyo book I mentioned before, about the role of the four elements in astrology, which I hope will be a good resource to accompany (and deepen) my review.

I find that the more I study astrology, the more fascinated I am with it - especially with the "depth psychology" approach that Arroyo and a few others use in modern times, in contrast to what he calls "mundane astrology," which is more traditional and focuses more on predicting external events. Instead, the psychological approach treats astrology as a tool for gaining insights into the inner energetic fields and patterns of the individual. In some ways, it seems simpler, or at least easier for a novice to jump quickly into relevant and meaningful readings based on a few simple interpretive guidelines. On the other hand, those simple interpretive guidelines often seem to lay bare patterns at the heart of the inner psyche that, by the time they filter up into more obvious, conscious behaviors and beliefs, can be incredibly varied and diverse in how they express themselves. When I first began working on an interpretation of my own natal chart, it was constantly surprising how certain aspects of my chart seemed to describe accurately patterns of inner energetic relationships that have expressed themselves in so many different ways in my life over the years, but that once brought to light seemed obviously connected. And just as surprising was how other patterns were so clearly not expressive in my life and did not describe me at all, and how they always corresponded to aspects or patterns definitely not in my natal chart - so that it seems impossible to agree with the argument that skeptics often use, that astrological readings are so vague as to apply to anyone. Though broad or somewhat abstract, the interpretations Arroyo offers are rarely vague, and I can tell almost immediately when I'm reading about an aspect or correspondence whether or not it is likely to appear in my own chart, even before I check it against the chart itself. I have no idea by what mechanism the stars in the sky at the time and place of our birth can so deeply affect, or reflect or speak to, aspects of our inner psyches.... but there's definitely something significant going on. (It reminds me of the physicist I saw recently talking about the latest challenges in modern physics, such as exploring exactly how and why gravity works - the theory being that there are other dimensions curled up within our own three spatial dimensions that somehow give gravity and mass to subatomic particles. Perhaps in the same way, somehow the stars give shape and design to our inner lives - or maybe the other way around - as though there are deeper things at work, webs of connection curled up and embedded within our mundane material reality.)

So I've continued to study astrology over the past two months, and I'm about to launch into Arroyo's book on the elements to go along with my DOTR lessons. In addition, I'll be reading two different books on the influence of Saturn and especially the Saturn Return, as my own is coming up soon and (depending on how tight an orb you use) could be starting as soon as the end of this month. The first exact conjunction of transiting Saturn with my natal Saturn will be on Christmas, December 25 itself, and it will come into exact aspect twice more (because Saturn will go retrograde and then direct again) over the next year, with the final conjunction in next September (on our first year wedding anniversary, in fact). Because of a few other aspects in my chart (Saturn being conjunct Pluto right on my Ascendant, for instance), this coming year promises to be particularly intense, so much of my meditative work in the coming months is going to be focused on working with Saturnine energies in one way or another.

Other than this astrological work, I've been doing some work with archetypes and Jungian psychology thanks to my brother and his career as a "consumer psychology analyst." During a visit with him in August (when we were introducing our cats to each other so he could cat-sit for us while we were away on honeymoon), he just happened to lend me a book on archetypes and "the marketing of meaning" in modern advertising. That book had some fascinating but also some deeply troubling things to say about the use of psychological and spiritual symbols in modern consumer capitalism, but it did help me to clarify my own attitudes towards my writing as a potential career. When we saw him again in September, he lent me another book by the same author, this time much more of a "self-help" type of book that went into more depth and detail about the various archetypes. I'm intrigued by how these might match up with the kinds of archetypes and energies used in astrology, though I want to do a bit more research and experimentation before I can really draw any conclusions.

Also in August, I spent some time working through the "30 Days of Druidry" meme I'd written up and shared on the DOTR blog in July. I'm only part way through the thirty writing prompts, so I'll be continuing that in October and possibly in November as well. Those are published on my blog over on my website, if you wanted to check them out.

During September, it was pretty much non-stop wedding stuff for the first two weeks, and then honeymooning for the second two. One thing I am rather proud of (if you don't mind me getting personal and female for a second): a spell I cast during the August full moon to ensure that the wedding week and honeymoon wouldn't be interrupted by my rather painful and exhausting "that time of the month" turned out to be an astounding success. Though I was on a rhythm that put the worst of it right smack on our wedding day itself, I was able to move things forward more than a week, leaving me feeling rested and well for the week leading up to the wedding and for the two weeks after while Jeff and I were out west camping. I rarely do any kind of spellwork with such mundane, physical ends in mind. Most of my spellwork (which honestly I don't do much of in any case) is focused on inner emotional or psychological work, magic as "a willed change in consciousness." But this was one of those rare times when I had no real recourse to mundane, non-occult means of bringing about the desired outcome, which is the only time I feel like magic directed towards mundane goals is really called for. So I was particularly pleased at how well the spell worked - accurate to the very day. Not bad for someone rather out of practice!

Unfortunately, Jeff and I hadn't bothered to do any spellwork regarding weather for the wedding day (another use of magic that I feel less than enthusiastic about, especially since Jeff's ex-wife had a reputation for brazenly trying to manipulate the weather on a regular basis). We had a gorgeous week at the beach - sunny and warm and perfect beach weather - but the day of the wedding itself was gray and blustery, with winds so strong that almost the entire beach was covered by water (though usually even at high tide there was at least fifty yards of flat sand above the water's edge). Honestly, it was breathtakingly beautiful, though a bit chillier than we'd expected. Still, the rain held off the entire day (finally starting not thirty seconds after Jeff and I left together at the end of the reception), so we did have our ceremony down on the beach as we'd expected, on the threshold of the three realms. We had spent time during a visit the year before petitioning the spirits of the local land for their blessing on our wedding, and we had done similar work the day right before the wedding. Our guests joked that, well, we'd asked the elements and the three realms to show up, and they showed up in force! There may be some truth to that. (Jeff's oldest daughter, Savanah, said that during our invocations to the three realms in the ceremony itself, sand crabs and sea gulls both seemed to draw in closer to the small gathering of us on the beach.) All in all, it was an intense experience, and in some ways I think the weather forced everyone to really ground in their bodies and experience the power and beauty of the natural world in a deeply visceral way... which is exactly what we wanted. (My hair is probably going to be an absolute mess in all of our wedding photos, though!)

During our honeymoon the following two weeks - which we spent out in Utah and New Mexico camping and hiking in various national parks - I spent a lot of time working through some inner blocks or issues involving my career and in particular with my writing. I plan to write up something on this experience sometime soon and share it to my Working the Three Realms blog, so if you're interested in that, you can check it out there.

Since this letter has become way too long already, though, I'll end it here for now. Looking forward to hearing from you. Hoping your autumn has been well and blessed so far! I'd love to hear how you work with Erynn's book and the Three Cauldrons has been going!

--Ali

End of Month Letter to Mentor

Hi, B--,

Another end-of-the-month letter for you, though this one's a bit late. Much of this month was taken up with work concerns, as Jeff and I have received news that there may be some major changes to our job situation coming up in the next several weeks. It looks like it will mostly be good stuff, but the uncertainty and secrecy surrounding the situation has us feeling rather frazzled and stressed, all things considered.

That said, I did still continue my Druidic work (though sadly, little of it was related to the DOTR lessons - which I've decided to basically set aside until after our wedding and honeymoon).

I spent the early part of July reflecting on a lot of interfaith issues after attending the progressive Christian-focused Wild Goose Festival at the end of June. This led to some really good discussion with Jeff, and it seems to be a theme for the month since a bit later in the month there was the whole issue with the fundamentalist Christian prayer campaign that prompted some rather intolerant responses among Pagans and some controversy around a post that I wrote.

An online Pagan forum I frequent, The Cauldron, upgraded its forum software and so I spent a good amount of time participating in some "re-introduction" threads where we talked a lot about going back to some of our most basic ideas about our paths and practices (those are included in my diary). As a result of this "back to basics" writing, I renewed my commitment to my Flamekeeping. Though I'd been keeping Brighid's flame regularly already, I often didn't do much beyond a simple lighting and smooring ceremony to open and close my shifts. This past month, I made sure to set aside some extended time for meditation and creative work during my shifts in addition to the opening and closing rituals, which worked really well.

I've continued my shamanic/trance work that I began last month, exploring more deeply and cultivating my relationship with my spirit animal, Badger. I've purchased a small rim drum that I've been practicing with as an aid to my trance work (though learning to play has been slow going) and in the meantime I downloaded a few different mp3 recordings of trance drumming that I can use (including one especially for Badger). During my last Flamekeeping shift, I dedicated my shift to finding and dedicating a "Badger Stone" to be a "home" and idol on my altar for Badger. During dusk just as my Flamekeeping shift was beginning, I went hillwalking in slight trance with the intention of finding an appropriate stone; then the following day, I cleansed and blessed the stone and painted on it an image of Badger. After completing the work, I left offerings of chocolate and beer outside. That work seemed to go very well and the stone came out better than I expected.

Jeff and I also started a podcast during this month, Dining with Druids (http://diningdruids.wordpress.com/), in which we talk about the news and politics of the day and how it relates to our spiritual lives. We have a lot of fun recording it, and it seems to be pretty well liked by listeners. Getting a handle on the sound equipment and post-production tech stuff was a bit of a challenge, but I think we've got it fairly well worked out now.

At the last minute, we were called away on a business trip at the end of July, so that we ended up being up in Massachusetts right around Lughnasadh. We were able to stop by and visit our friends Cat and Peter (who are Quaker Pagans) for a couple days, and we had the wonderful opportunity to celebrate Lammas with the two of them, along with Penny and Michael Novak, on that Saturday evening (July 30). It was a simple, somewhat improvised ritual in their backyard next to their garden, where we made propitiatory offerings of locks of hair (which we tossed into the fire), as well as beer and a plate of food (which we brought out into the woods behind their house) before settling down to a meal of fresh, local corn and homemade bread and other delicious produce grown right in their own garden. Afterwards, we wove symbols out of the corn husks to offer to the fire, that the smoke would carry our requests for blessings to the gods. It was very beautiful and touching to be able to celebrate with them. Plus, it was fantastic to be able to engage in conversation with people who have been so deeply involved in the evolving Pagan community for so many decades!

Today Jeff and I have the opportunity to attend the ADF Lughnasadh rite and festival later this afternoon.... but it's still up in the air if we will or not. We're both pretty worn out and exhausted and this is our first kids-free, travel-free weekend we've had to ourselves in months. So we're inclined to just spend some quiet time at home. I would like to attend a Druidic-flavored Lughnasadh ritual, of course, but most years I'm on vacation with my family during this week, and so I usually don't have a chance to celebrate Lughnasadh and it doesn't have as much personal meaning for me as some of the others do. This time of year, especially when we're in the middle of some long, hot, muggy days, I think it's more helpful for my sanity to focus on relaxation and respite!

So that's what I've been up to over the past month. August is already turning out to be pretty busy, and September is going to be wedding and honeymoon stuff mostly (so I may not have a chance to write a summary letter for the next two months). We're honeymooning out west in Zion National Park, where we'll be camping in the desert (which has a lot of spiritual significance for both Jeff and me), so maybe I'll be able to write something up about that once we get home!

Blessings,
Ali

P.S. I forgot, I've also started that "30 Days of Druidry" creative writing project that I mentioned on the DOTR forum a little while back. I'm posting those to my website, if you're interested in reading them.

Reflections on Ritual and Offerings

A response to Bob's post on the DOTR Network about the role of offerings and other aspects of ritual.

I have to admit that I'd already seen that article, and it annoyed me. My honors thesis work was in ritual theory, so I have an academic background in the subject that focused not only on the religious/spiritual significance of ritual in various world traditions, but also on the socio-political and aesthetic aspects of ritual practice. Coming from that perspective, that article sounded to me an awful lot like someone who attended a ritual, felt uncomfortable with the social atmosphere or the particular aesthetics used, and so projected her discomfort onto the gods by claiming or warning that they would be displeased.

This is not the first time that a Heathen blogger on Patheos has made complaints about others "doing it wrong" when it comes to ritual. I'm not sure if this is a common theme among Heathens more than other Pagan traditions, or just a coincidence, but I know I have also talked with Heathens who see the purpose of offerings to the gods as a kind of appeasement to get the gods to leave them alone. One Heathen actually compared worshipping the gods to living in your parents' house - it's nice that they pay the bills and take care of most of the responsibilities, but that doesn't mean you want them hanging around getting into your business and it's better when they're content to leave you alone. This sounds like a pretty adolescent approach to me, honestly.

I think this is one of the big issues with ritual in Paganism, especially because the Pagan umbrella is so diverse and it sometimes doesn't share a theological perspective even among members of the same group. Without a foundation in theology of some kind, ritual can quickly devolve into superstition. There are many reasons why rituals can feel powerful or feel like failures, and they don't all have to do with whether or not you've authentically connected with Spirit or the gods. The emotional, psychological, aesthetic, social and even physiological aspects all play a role in addition to the spiritual. And discerning when authentic spiritual work has been done is something I think best left up to the group who has done the work to develop and engage with the ritual practice, rather than an outsider sitting in and making judgements.

That said, I think Blaidd brings up some really good questions in his post - the practical question of what is done with the offerings perhaps being one of the more important ones. It seems to me that if ritual and offerings is to avoid becoming mere superstition, then it must be all about relationship at its core. But that means it also can't be something as simple as "our ancestors were scared of the Sidhe, so they must be appeased so they don't cause trouble" - this seems about as disrespectful to me as it would be disrespectful and prejudiced to say, "Don't walk through that neighborhood; a lot of black people live there and my parents have always said black people are dangerous." I think in general, gods and other beings, and animals for that matter, are similar to human beings: when you approach with respect and kindness in the interest of being as open and attentive as you can to the needs and desires of the Other, whoever that other is, then you are far more likely to elicit respect and kindness in turn, and this eventually builds into a mutually loving relationship. It is in presuming a relationship or taking it for granted that the disrespect (and thus the danger) lies... but again, we can't always be the judge of how others' relationship with the gods expresses itself, either in ritual or in daily life.

Jeff and I already do offerings to our gods on a regular basis - pouring libations and burning incense are parts of my regular prayer/meditation routine, and we both wear certain symbolic pieces of jewelry and clothing that represent promises we have made to our deities or simply as a reminder to think of them and offer a prayer now and then. As part of my Flamekeeping shift with the Brigidine Cill I belong to, I tend a flame once every twenty days as part of my service to Brighid. And on major holy days, especially when we have the kids with us, we make ritual offerings of bird seed and such to the local woods (and wildlife) - and we also toss "silver in the water," coins into a small blue bowl of water on the altar, which Jeff and I then save up until we have enough to change in for money that we donate to a charity. Since we do much of this on our own, it's not a big deal to us if DOTR doesn't incorporate offerings into its group/public rituals. We have an established relationship with our gods, and if other gods are involved in a given ritual, we see it somewhat like going to a party at a friend's house and meeting their relatives - we're polite and respectful, but don't presume either any special relationship or any special attention as a result. (Of course, this can be a problem if the ritual involves gods that no one performing/attending the ritual actually does have a relationship with - because that's more like crashing someone else's party and expecting special treatment from the hosts.)

So those are my thoughts on the situation. Different situations will call for different types of ritual and offerings, and I see no reason why we can't continue to have public rituals open to anyone, as long as we don't treat the gods as "plug and play" components. Public rituals that involve offerings and prayers focused on the earth or the land can still be very effective without requiring a common agreed upon theology for the most part. But perhaps it would also benefit DOTR as a whole for regular members to help each other cultivate authentic relationships with the gods or beings that each members works with in their own practice as well as in group work?

A Druid in Modern Society

Something I wrote for The Cauldron's Neo-Druidry SIG that I thought I would post here — my response to the following questions:

What does it mean to be a Druid in modern society? What do you mean when you use the term Druid for yourself? Why are you a Druid instead of, say, a witch or a Celtic Recon? Conversely, do you find your Druidry informing any other spiritual path you walk?

Basically, this is the place to talk in lengthy detail about your Druidry!

Great questions! Hmm, trying to decide which one to start with....

Okay, what do I mean when I use the term Druid for myself? I mean that I am a practitioner of Druidry, a spiritual tradition that is represented by several modern groups and organizations (but definitely not reducible to any one of them), such as OBOD, AODA, ADF, TDN, DOTR, etc. I feel pretty comfortable using the term "Druid" for myself for two reasons. (1) Because I mean it in the same way I would call myself a "Christian" if I were practicing Christianity - I see Druidry as a religion, and it's just easiest to identify myself as a member of that religious tradition by using the term. Since it's pretty well acknowledged that we can't recreate ancient Celtic society, I don't worry about anyone mistaking me for a "real Druid" in that sense.

(2) The idea that ancient Druids were similar to a "priest/philosopher caste" in Celtic society and underwent 20+ years of training.... qualifies me as a Druid, damn it. ;) I've spent most of my life studying philosophy and religion through formal education, I have a degree in comparative religious studies ("priest") and have earned distinguished honors for my work in creative writing ("bard") and political philosophy ("adviser to kings"), along with experience as a political activist and vocal pacifist ("peacemaker"). I guess this is partly answering that first question, too - what does it mean to be a Druid in modern society. True, I didn't spend all those years self-identifying as a Druid... But what it means for me personally to think of myself as a Druid is striving to embody that role of the politically- and socially-engaged peacemaker whose community work is informed by an insight into aesthetics and poetry as well as the intellectual discipline and knowledge of the scholar or philosopher, and who brings to all of that work a deep sense of spiritual grounding and reverence for the gods and the sacredness of the earth.

Why I identify myself as a Druid and not a CR/Recon person (besides what others have mentioned about the lack of scholarly info and the practicality issue) is because the archetype of the Druid seems to place more emphasis on the synthesis and integration of all these different aspects into a deep and challenging path, whereas CR strikes me a bit more like a "folk religion," so to speak, where these roles are all still seen as separate specialties (if you know what I mean... not sure I'm really getting across my idea very well there). I actually started out exploring Paganism through the Wicca/Witchcraft lens (and every once in a while get an urge to explore Feri Witchcraft a bit more)... but it never really fit me, I didn't feel that sense of "homecoming" that I've heard a lot of others describe. Though I do believe in magic, I tend to understand it much more from an aesthetic/philosophical point of view. What really struck me was when I read an essay in an anthology about Druidry where the writer talked about the Witch archetype as that person living as a kind of outcast (a hag or whore) on the edge of town, whereas the Druid was deeply engaged in the heart of community working along with others and counseling them as an accepted and wise person. I resonated much more with the Druid archetype and the role of community and engagement than with the Witch archetype. :)

So.... is that too much?

End of Month Letter to Mentor

B--,

Another letter about my DOTR aspirant work. This month I basically made no progress on the actual lessons for DOTR, but I thought I'd share a bit about what I was doing.

Early in June was a lot of wedding stuff, including a trip with Jeff and the kids to see my parents for the weekend and attend a birthday/wedding shower/engagement party. We had some time with Savanah to do her "Teen Druidry" lessons, which this month included learning how to sense and work with energies through visualization. We gave her some simple visualization exercises to do for a couple weeks, and had a chance the weekend before last to take her to the local conservancy where we practiced sensing the "nemeton" (or aura/energy) around different plants.

My birthday was this month, which meant I had a general obligation to hang out with people instead of keeping to myself (oh well!), and I didn't have a chance to do any kind of birthday rite or divination like I like to do - it's just been too busy this year.

Jeff and I did have a chance to attend an Alban Heruin/Summer Solstice ritual this year with the local ADF grove, though. On the morning of the solstice itself, we were up at 3:30 AM to drive out to a park outside the city where we met up with a handful of others for a ritual to greet the rising sun. Unfortunately, it was raining heavily for most of the time, so our ritual took place under a pavilion instead of on top of the hill where it would normally have been held. Still, it was very moving and enjoyable - and we had a chance to have breakfast with a couple members of the grove afterwards. We're hoping to attend more of their open gatherings and get to know the local Druid community better (especially when we have more time after the wedding).

Last weekend, we attended the Wild Goose Festival down in Shakori Hills, NC - it's a progressive/emergent Christian festival focused on Celtic spirituality, justice, music and art. A friend of ours, Carl McColman, was one of the speakers and the festival was run by Gareth Higgins, who was the coordinator of the Northern Ireland Celtic spirituality and peacemaking retreat I went on last August. We had a chance to see a number of really important, influential leaders of the progressive/emergent movement, and made some good friends (as well as having a chance to catch up with old ones). It gave us a lot of food for thought. I'm in the process of typing up my notes from the festival (along with annotations) and posting them to my spiritual diary, and I'll eventually have some reflections to post in essay-form on my website. I think Pagans and Christians have a great deal to learn from one another, and being around such thoughtful, sincere spiritual folks, regardless of religion, always leaves me feeling inspired and energized.

I've also begun to explore shamanic work as part of my self-designed Ovatic training. Not sure if I ever laid this out for you before, but basically, I spent about eight or so years studying poetry and music in high school and college (to the point where I won several awards and had been published quite a bit), plus my Candidate year with AODA studying the Bardic arts. After completing the first degree with AODA, I decided that my second degree work would be "flavored" with an Ovatic focus - studying the subtle energies and interconnections of the world through work with deep ecology, divination, magic, dreams, meditation and trance work. My study of astrology falls into this type of work (both as a kind of divination in some respects, and also a study of the patterns and energy play of the stars), and I've been studying ecology and ecosophy as well, from a more mundane/scientific perspective (plus learning more about our local bioregion). The divination work has been largely tarot, though like I mentioned to you already I've also started to work with ogham based on Erynn Rowan Laurie's work (and also Mountfort's book, too, which I think you mentioned in your last letter - yes, I definitely agree that his approach to the tree ogham is very helpful!). I've been doing my usual meditation and hillwalking, and now that Jeff and I are running and doing yoga again, that's become an aspect of my meditative work, too. One aspect of my Ovatic work that I'd always intended to include but hadn't been brave enough to plunge into until recently was actual shamanic work, though I have occasionally done some Active Imagination meditation/visualization during some rituals. But for my birthday, Jeff got me a book on shamanism by Caitlin Matthews, and so last week I finally jumped in and began with the first few exercises. On a whim two days ago, we were walking back from dinner to a friend's house when we saw a store selling fair trade items from Morocco (a store we'd thought had closed about a year ago, but that had just moved locations and transferred ownership)... so we stopped in - turns out, there was a lovely little frame drum on sale, so Jeff insisted on getting it for me. So now I have a drum to work with for my shamanic work, too. (The shop also had a few bodhran drums, which I'd really like to get someday, but they were quite a bit more expensive and I don't know the first thing about playing them, so they'll have to wait a little bit longer...)

And finally, just yesterday, Jeff and I got some tattoos done (which is why this email is pecked out on the keyboard, since I can't rest my wrist on the laptop). We each got matching wrist tattoos of a calla lily yin yang symbol as "wedding tattoos" (representing the blending of opposites, male and female and so on, incorporating the calla lily as the Druidic "third thing" borne out of that relationship, also a symbol of beauty and peace and in itself incorporating female (the chalice shape of the petals) and male (the stamen). I also got a large back tattoo done (which was... wow, quite painful!) of a design that I worked on in a semi-trance state on the morning of the summer solstice after returning from the ADF sunrise rite. It matches and compliments my "Ninth Wave" armband (which I also designed) - this tattoo is a stylized "Celtic"-looking sun design which also incorporates a few meaningful symbols that connect it to my relationship with Brigid as Lady of Star Fire. I posted the design to my spiritual diary on the summer solstice, and after the tattoo heals more I'll post a picture of the final piece as well.

So that's what I've been up to! I do apologize for not going step by step through the DOTR lessons! Life just always seems to interfere and demand my attention in many different directions. It strikes me sometimes as a bit funny that so much of my life is focused on my Druidry and my spirituality, and yet even still I'm so bad at working through prescribed lesson plans. But I will get through them eventually, and in the meantime, I try to approach all this work as a slow, organic accretion of many different skills which, even if they're only gained slowly and seemingly haphazardly, are better integrated and interconnected as part of my spiritual journey because of it.

Blessings,
Ali

Follow-Up Letter to Mentor

B--,

Thanks so much for your response - and so quickly! I know you've been busy with your own work. :)

It's very reassuring to know that my variation/approach to the Three Realms Working practice is not only acceptable but welcome, and your description of how it fits in with the overall DOTR philosophy is refreshing. As you probably know, I've been stung before by banging heads a bit about "how things are done" within a certain Ancient Order That Will Not Be Named… One of the things I appreciate most about DOTR is the openness and flexibility - but not just in a wishy-washy kind of way that says, "We're accepting of everyone as long as you stay at 'newbie' level." That's something I have run into in other Druid groups, and it's made me a bit gun-shy about sharing some of my more in-depth thoughts. I know I can get very intense about my work, and sometimes that intensity can come off as over-bearing! So it really is a relief to be reassured on that matter and not feel pressure from DOTR to keep my enthusiasm in check lest I wander off the Approved Path. ;)

The points you brought up in your letter have given me a lot to think about. Your first point, about each of the Three Realms being connectors or bridges, is definitely something that resonates with my experience/understanding of them. To me, the Three are incredibly dynamic, though each in its own way, and they also all lead outward to each other even as you follow them more deeply inward… if that makes sense. So I think you're right that this is a key to my understanding, and keeping that in mind when trying to work with them in a "linear" meditative practice will definitely be helpful.

I think it's interesting that you said my description of Sea is almost completely metaphor compared to the other two Realms. I went back and reread what I wrote to see what you meant, and it seemed to me like they were all pretty evenly balanced (though maybe all of them tending a bit more towards the metaphorical). I remember when I was trying to articulate what I meant in the original letter that it actually helped a lot to go back and forth between my descriptions of each of the Realms looking for patterns of meaning as I wrote them out. I think your point about keeping the material realities of the Realms in mind is really important (and even though I'm, sadly, landlocked where I'm living right now, my dreams very often involve landscapes dominated by the ocean and the shoreline!)… But I wonder if the drought you're experiencing in GA means you're even more sensitive to the material reality of Sea in particular! :)

Your question about the gestures for the Three Realms practice is actually something I've been playing around with for a while, and still trying to work out. The way I do it right now (and it's been a while since I read the DOTR version, so I forget if this is basically the same or modified a little bit) is this:

- Begin with my hands resting lightly, palms down, on my knees (I almost always do this practice sitting cross-legged so that I can physically touch the ground/floor wherever I am).
- After centering through breath meditation, I lower my left hand to touch the ground to my left (palm down and flat), drawing up "blue" energy of the Sea to circulate through my body.
- When ready, with my left hand still touching the ground, I raise my right hand up above my head to my right (palm up and open, fingers extended upwards), drawing down "yellow" energy of the Sky to circulate through my body.
- When ready, I bring both hands together into namaste/prayer position just in front of my solar plexus (blending blue and yellow energy into the "green" energy of the Land).

After the Three Realms working, I sometimes move into another prayer honoring what ADF calls (I think) the "three hallows" of Tree, Fire and Well, using a prayer I adapted (though I forget from what source) and gestures I made to go with it. Either way, I end up in the namaste/prayer position at the end, and afterwards, I lower my hands again to rest, this time palms facing upwards, on my knees for any trance or energy work I'm doing for the session. If I don't do the Three Hallows prayer with gestures, then the energy from the Three Realms working I can either kind of "expand" into a surrounding, misty sphere (and then release/dissipate after my meditation) or I can direct it to a particular purpose/object for blessing/consecration or such.

I hope that gives you some idea of how it goes. :) If I remember right, the version in the Aspirant Lessons calls for turning in a circle at one point, but I've found that in our tiny apartment doing ritual work standing up and turning different ways just isn't practical (though if I'm directing the energy into an object, I will sometimes use the circular motion around it). I've also noticed that using the gestures with the left and right hands during the Three Realms working, the result of holding the position for any length of time is that my left arm (drawing up Sea energy) starts to feel loose and cool from resting relaxed, while my right arm (drawing down Sky energy) begins to feel tense and warm from the effort of holding my hand aloft. When I bring them together, my left hand feels warm to my right hand, and my right hand feels cool to my left hand (because blood has been leaving the right, raised up, and pooling in the left), so it's like a visceral, palpable experience of the energies mixing and exchanging.

And once again, it seems I've written a lengthy letter without meaning to! I hope this has been helpful for you - I know it has for me. :)

A few last things: Jeff's and my wedding will be in North Carolina, on the Outer Banks, on September 16, which is a Friday. It would be lovely if folks in the Order wanted to do a working to bless our marriage, and we would be very grateful! :)

Also, congratulations on the position at Cherry Hill Seminary! I definitely know about CHS (my friend, Cat, was heavily involved in its founding and early years). Every once in a while, I dream about applying to attend - especially once they get accreditation - but I always seem to have too much to do and not enough money. ;) If they're bringing you on and trying to incorporate Druidry a bit more into the curriculum, that sounds like something I'll definitely have to keep my eye on. I saw that you posted on the DOTR network about the course you're developing, so I'll go check that out - sometimes I think "intro" courses are the hardest ones to do, so I'm really interested in seeing what you do with it. :)

All right, that's all I have for now. Hope this letter wasn't too long!

Blessings,
Ali

End of Month Letter to Mentor

B--,

So I figured I should be a bit of a better Aspirant and actually send my mentor updates every once in a while, so I thought end-of-the-month wrap-ups might be good.

I'm currently working through Lesson 4: Air, and nearing the end. My approach to the next four lessons (for the four elements) is likely to be haphazard and jumbled because of my various personal studies and also scheduling. For instance, this month for Jeff's birthday we made a trip down to South Carolina to visit the Angel Oak and spend an afternoon at the beach — so I had an opportunity to do some fairly intense meditative work with the elements of Earth and Water (and, thanks to the sun, the heat and my Flamekeeping shift with the Brigidine Cill I belong to, Fire as well) in addition to my Air work. I'm also still working through my understanding of the Three Realms and the three Druidic elements/principles on my own and developing a more in-depth regular meditative practice around them.

That's something I actually wanted to ask you about. I'm finding, the more I work with the Three Realms meditation, the more I'm feeling a need to diverge from the current way it's laid out by DOTR. Connecting to the Land below and the Sky above, with Sea in the middle, isn't jiving for me. Though I understand the reasoning behind it, I find that I am much more drawn to placing the Sea below, with the Sky above, and the Land as the "bridge" connecting the two, symbolized especially by the Tree, the bilé or axis mundi, which reaches its roots down seeking water and reaches its branches up seeking air and light.

This layout resonates for me on a lot of levels. Mystically or mytho-poetically, the Sky and Sea are both realms of vastness, interconnection and blurred boundaries, realms in which the self can be "swept up" into an experience of union with something beyond and bigger — while the Land is the realm of matter and form and individuality, where the two realms of Sea and Sky, which are in many ways opposites, are brought into relationship which each other and made manifest in a concrete way unique to each being and place. While the Sea has symbolic associations with depths, memory, the past and the Underworld/Otherworld of the ancestors, the Sky has associations with heights, aspiration, the future and the celestial Heaven/Otherworld of the gods — while the Land is the concrete, experiential world of the present, with all the particular spirits of the land that dwell between Sea and Sky. There's even some echoes in psychology — the Sea of emotions and the Sky of the intellect both expressed through the physical body (Land), or the Sea as the unconscious or id and the Sky as the "higher" consciousness or superego being navigated and kept in balance by the mundane consciousness of the ego (Land). All of these examples are not exactly done justice by trying to fit them into a linear model of below, above and center... but generally, if that's roughly what you're going for, the Sea below and Sky above is making more sense to me.

In addition, the two gods I work with most closely and who I feel have "claimed" me to some extent are Brigid, particularly in her solar/stellar aspect, and Manannan, son of the sea, so that the Three Realms working with the Sea below and the Sky above also feels like a rightful way of acknowledging and inviting the blessings of my gods into my life (the Land or bridge that connects them, and through which I express their influence and energies in a concrete way for those around me).

So I was hoping for your feedback on this issue of changing the DOTR practice. I'm worried it'll put me out of sync with others in the Order, so I wanted to seek some clarification from you about just how central or essential it is to work with the Three Realms in the way specified in the Aspirant Lessons. I also would like to write up my version of the Three Realms working along with an explanation (in a more coherent form than this letter!) to share on the DOTR group blog eventually.

Other than that, here's a brief run-down of what else I've been doing over the last month:

- Astrology : I've been working through some texts on astrology and have started a process of in-depth, holistic analysis of my own natal chart (you can read the results so far here, here and here). I plan to continue that work in months to come, including picking up Arroyo's book on astrology and the four elements, as I think I mentioned to you already.

- Ogam : I read through Erynn Rowan Laurie's book on the ogam and plan to start working through the aicme again using flash cards to reacquaint myself with them (since it's been years since I tried working with them, and my experience with Tarot in the meantime has given me a lot more practice and grounding in the basics of divination). Erynn's writing about the three "currents" of ogam gave me a lot to think about in relation to the issue of the Three Realms.

- Work with Manannan : I've been doing some meditation and dream-work to cultivate my relationship with Manannan, which I talk about a little bit in my DOTR Aspirant blog. I've also been discussing ideas with a few others on a Pagan forum I visit who work with both Brigid and Manannan on developing some spiritual practices to understand the relationship between them.

- "Sapling" Work with Savanah : Jeff and I have continued to work with Savanah, Jeff's oldest daughter, on her year-long "Druidry for Teens" study course that we developed for her. This month, we were focusing on poetry, story and mythology as ways of connecting to our ancestors and the past (as well as preserving memory for the future), and exploring dreams and divination as ways of connecting to the gods and to our own subconscious mind through the use of symbolism and imagination.

- Justice, Nature and Identity : I've written about issues of justice and peacemaking on my personal website as well as over on Pagan+Politics, and I've been tangentially involved in the on-going debate about Pagan identity through my post on Pagan Coming Out Day and my essay on Religious Branding. I also wrote a piece on the importance of connecting to the natural world and the sacred land in this "Digital Age," and shared some of my nature photography on my website.

Wow! I'm kind of impressed at how much I got done this month! Needless to say, my wedding is coming up soon, so it's unlikely I'll have as much to report at the end of June. :)

I'd love to hear your feedback on this letter or any of the posts on my DOTR Aspirant blog.

Many blessings,
Ali

Diary - Pilgrimage

Days of Note: Flamekeeping, Pilgrimage to the Angel Oak

Sun: gemini (mutable air), 6:15am - 8:19pm (Summerville, SC)
Moon: waning crescent, pisces (mutable water), VOC (through tomorrow evening)
Earth: another hot, sunny day down in South Carolina, with the air thick and muggy and a possible thunderstorm this afternoon (we can only hope); even when the sun is high, the sunlight is not the clear, bright sunlight of farther north, but a damper, heavier, somehow darker kind of light through which everything seems hazy - or perhaps it's only that even in the shade the heat dominates, so that nowhere is safe from the sunlight


Brigid always has a trick up her sleeve for me, it seems. I now have a Brigid's Cross burned between my breasts… or to be more precise, a pale uneven-cross of skin surrounded by the red-pink of sunburn. Last night at sundown when I began my Flamekeeping shift, I asked her to accept the gold Brigid's Cross pendant I always wear as a symbol of her flame because I could not keep a physical flame for her during this shift (even lighting a candle at all in our B&B room was technically not allowed, though I risked it for half an hour for my opening rite). The handmade flame pendant I usually wear is back home, embedded in wax where my usual Flamekeeping candle spilled over into the offering dish without my noticing. I'm not sure if I'll be able to get it out again without ruining it, since it didn't have any kind of protective finish on it, but in any case it was too late to try to salvage it just then when I was packing. I'm not sure if the sunburn is a sign of acceptance or a light slap on the wrist for not being better prepared to travel-while-Keeping. In any case, it wasn't entirely unexpected, considering we were out on the beach without sunscreen during the most intense part of the day….

I'm feeling slightly scatter-brained at the moment, which I expect is mostly from the heat and general late-afternoon fatigue. Both mornings we've been here now, we've been up at dawn to do some yoga and then gone running in the surrounding neighborhood, coming back to the B&B to shower and have a delicious breakfast downstairs. We're the only people in the house right now, though there's a man in the cottage apartment out in the backyard (we haven't seen him yet, but we've seen his car in the drive). We basically have this entire gorgeous French-style southern mansion to ourselves, and it's absolutely lovely. Getting out early in the morning to go running while it's still relatively cool (in the 70s) has me feeling so completely energized and fantastic, I'm hoping I can hold on to that habit when we get back home. Yesterday morning after a shower and breakfast, I spent some time in the lush, steamy garden in the back of the house while Jeff got some work done on the computer inside. I spent time in meditation sitting on a stone bench by one of the small fountains (guarded by a small moss-covered frog and a statue of the Amitabha Buddha).

This morning, though I was technically on Flamekeeping shift, I held off on my morning meditation because right after breakfast we made the hour-long drive to John's Island to see the Angel Oak tree. Last year we visited the tree on Earth Day in April, in the early evening just as the sun was in its golden hour (and the trip also happened to be during a Flamekeeping shift!). This year, we made it to the oak by mid-morning and again the sunlight was all golden and soft through the branches. There was hardly anyone around, and so Jeff and I split up and found spots to sit near the tree to do some meditation. The same feeling I had last year — of immensity and power and life-force emanating from the tree enough to make my heart quicken — was there again this morning. I noticed that the other tourists who wandered up to see the tree during our time there all had a tendency to lower their voices to a whisper, as if out of respect, and there was a natural hush about the place. Even though it's a tourist attraction now, it's hard for me to believe that it's not also a sacred place of power in spite of that. Even the way people arrived, a couple at a time but in a steady stream so that there was almost always at least one person around, a new person arriving just as the other was leaving, though you couldn't ever say the place was busy, and always it had that same hush and quiet and presence to it…. it almost seemed as though the tree were drawing people to it, few by few, like pilgrims attending to it, murmuring appreciative prayers of awe and praise. To sit under the tree for any length of time and watch this process was amazing, and just as it did last year, it left me with this strange sense that the tree was a sacred center or power or axis mundi around which the rest of the world turned, with us little humans coming to stand tiny at its feet and arrange our lives like love-worn dolls….

When we first arrived, a couple with a young toddler were just leaving and for a time we had the place all to ourselves. I sat at the base of the tree while Jeff wandered off somewhere else, and I sat in meditation for twenty minutes or so. First just breathing my awens and allowing myself to relax into the energy and presence of the place, then reaching out to perform (my version of) the DOTR Three Realms workings. The Tree as center and bridge between the watery depths of soul and the celestial heights of spirit was especially effective when I could feel the vast trunk of the Angel Oak behind me, lending support to my spine. During this meditation, my sense of grounding was so powerful, I felt as though I could sit there forever, still and unmoving, so solidly was I rooted in the earth. It's one of the most effective grounding experiences I've had in recent memory. I also experimented with Erynn Rowan Laurie's take on the Three Cauldrons meditation - though I used different hand gestures adapted from the "peace sign" meditation I'd been working on (with both hands placed on the ground to either side, then raised to the center in a namaste/prayer position, then raised up again — in this way, the gestures not only mimic a transformation of the peace sign from despair to rejoicing, but they also echo the Awen symbol in both invoking and evoking form).

A side note: part of me feels bad that I feel such an urge to adapt and change the practices I learn from others. Often the people teaching these techniques will say that they can be adapted or changed to suit personal approaches… but I often feel like this is more an attempt to be tolerant of diversity, and not really a whole-hearted encouragement to actually go about changing things. I do want to trust that certain ritual techniques have stood the test of time and have something to teach me… but it was easier to trust this way in Catholic rituals which really were hundreds, even thousands of years old. Druidry (and Paganism generally) is still so new, and there's a lot of variation in technique. I see similarities between different types of meditations and energy work that I can't overlook, and so these end up blending together in my practice to create rites and gestures that make sense to me. The way I perform a Three Realm Working is derived in part from Orion Foxwood's exercising in connecting to the local land (I forget its name at the moment), in which the "streams" from below and above are joined in the heart. It seems the Three Realms working is also similar to the ADF Two Powers meditation…. except in the Three Realms (both in the DOTR version and my adaptation) there is a blending of the two energies to create or express a third. I never quite understood why a tradition like ADF, with such emphasis on the three realms, the three hallows and other triads, would have a fundamentally dualistic meditative practice as a core technique…. connecting Earth and Sky, but where is Sea in this? This is the same trouble I had with the three Druidic elements in their relation to the four classical elements. If you can arbitrarily drop or add an aspect to a system, then it wasn't a stable or complete system to begin with. In the Three Realms, Land, Sea and Sky seem all to be of equal importance and significance…. and simply dropping Sea and connecting only to the other two doesn't make much sense to me. Similarly, dropping (or combining) Fire and Air from the four classical elements to get the three Druidic elements — as though they were nearly interchangeable otherwise — is deeply dissatisfying to me. So I have to figure out a way to make that change.

On the other hand, Erynn Rowan Laurie's Three Cauldron's meditation makes a lot of sense to me, with the Cauldron of Warming (being associated with the realm of land/earth and the Druidic element/principle of calas) the lowest of the three, the Cauldron of Motion (sea/gwyar) near the heart, and the Cauldron of Wisdom (sky/nwyfre) near the head/crown/third eye. This makes intuitive sense to me, and aligns pretty well with both T. Thorn Coyle's "three souls" meditation and with my Peace of the Three Realms meditation that I developed a few years ago (in which each of the… let's call them "cauldrons," though I originally called them simply "centers," are infused specifically with energies from the Three Realms in a kind of rippling out/up of energy). I don't have any struggle in figuring out why, during the Three Realms working, gwyar/sea is "below" and calas/land/tree in the center, while in the Three Cauldrons working this is reversed. It just… makes sense to me that way. Perhaps because the Three Realms working is a kind of orientation, connecting us with the Tree as axis mundi and bridge of soul and spirit… while the Three Cauldrons/Peace of the Realms practices are more about activating our own ("internal") energy centers. With this inner work, we naturally start from a "base line" of calas, the realm of land that we're so used to and probably most immediately connected to through our physical senses. From there, we kind of "drop" into the gwyar/emotional center of movement and exchange — that is, our experience of form and limit naturally gives rise to an urge to connect, and this is a kind of deepening at the same time that it's a rising up…. almost as though our heart calls our attention to it precisely at that moment when it is spilling over — we are called inward at the same time that we feel the ache of going outward. The final center of nwyfre/wisdom is an ascent to pure force and initiative, as well as breath. Both boundaries and the interweaving or connection of those boundaries are overcome or swept up in the unity of "oneness," to some extent.

I'm not at all convinced this makes much sense… I'll have to keep playing with these ideas. In any case, I'd like to find a way to integrate the Peace Prayer practice with the Three Realms working (and the Three Cauldrons practice as well, perhaps) in a way that leads naturally from one into the other without having to drastically altar the energies I'm working with for each one. ADF describes the Two Powers practice as like to "grounding and centering." I'm not sure which one people traditionally do first among other Wiccan/Pagan groups… but I always understood that centering was the first step (a kind of inward turning and cultivation of stillness and attention that was the prerequisite for any meditative work) and grounding was the second step, a moving outward again from that established center to "ground" that center in the living earth, as though planting a seed, or the moment when that seed germinates and sends out roots. In any case, it always seemed to me an inward/outward movement of focus, rather than an up/down focus the way the Earth/Sky approach suggests. In my own practice, I've gotten so used to centering and grounding that I hardly notice it as an initial step before my other meditation work. I center through some meditative breathing, cultivating a stillness between breaths (which the awen breath can be particularly helpful for), and then reach out to ground myself in the earth and further open myself to the living presences around me. In this sense, then, centering/grounding is a first step, and the natural next step after grounding (reaching out to the earth surrounding me — for we do not only live "on" the earth, but more precisely we live in it, surrounded by its landscapes and climates) is to begin (my version of) the DOTR Three Realms working. When we ground, like a tree putting down roots and sending up shoots, we are not seeking merely earth beneath us… we are seeking the water and the exchange of nutrients below, and the sunlight and air that fuels us from above. These we transform into the living matter of our bodies. So the Three Realms working is a natural follow-up to the centering/grounding opening work.

In that case, then, the Peace of the Realms and the Three Cauldrons meditations are not so much about who we are or where we locate/orient ourselves in the currents of the world… but more about what we do in the world, how we approach our activity. Once we center and ground ourselves in our enspirited-bodies, then what is it we do with those bodies? Finding our foundation, cultivating our work and releasing our love-guided efforts into the world (or warming, motion and wisdom) are the three processes or activities we undertake. They may have affinities with the Three Realms… but they are not merely equivalent. Which is why the Peace of the Three Realms actually "activates" each of the three realms or their currents/elements/principles in each of the three activity centers. So if this is the case.. then a natural order to the practices would be: starting with centering and grounding, then the Three Realms working to orient and establish our selves within the three realms of the world, then the Three Cauldrons meditation to "activate" or energize the three "centers" or cauldrons within the self, then the Peace of the Three Realms prayer to articulate and express the purpose towards which those three center of activity might be directed.

I'll have to experiment with this order to see how it works in practice as well as in theory… but I'm actually quite pleased with this approach. It makes some gut-level sense to me, and incorporates at least some sources of legitimate ancient Celtic culture. I would want to read more about the Cauldron of Poesy text that Erynn Rowan Laurie mentions, if only to seek out some confirmation of this approach.

It seems to be almost 8 PM now and I've been writing for at least two hours…. I had more to talk about, but my shift is coming to an end, so I should probably wrap things up. I'm feeling especially tired and I should probably be sure to drink some more water and apply some more aloe gel to my burn so I'm not regretting my silliness in the morning.

It occurs to me that I forget to explain how I got the sunburn! After staying by the Angel Oak for an hour or two, we thought we would try to find the nearest public beach access, which ended up being Folly Beach. We spent about an hour strolling along the shore, feet in the warmest ocean water lapping up around our calves. Before finally returning to the car, I waded out deeper until I was standing in waters mid-thigh and waves were getting the hem of my sundress damp. By that point, though, I'd already been out long enough to get a burn on my shoulders and chest. We're thinking of going back to the beach tomorrow, after spending a morning in Charleston looking at all the ancient homes built right up on the shoreline by slave labor (Jeff's love of this beautiful human tragedy reminds me of that Doctor Who episode, Blink: "Sad is like happy for deep people.")

We'll see. Tomorrow we're taking a day off from running, though we're hoping to still do some sun salutations to great the new day. It's Jeff's birthday, so we'll have an official day off to do whatever we want before heading back to Pittsburgh on Friday. I may or may not have a chance to write again before we get back home. We'll see.

My Druid Path, Revisited

Days of Note: Seakeeping Shift (begins at sundown)

Sun: taurus (earth/fixed), 6:06am - 8:27pm
Moon: waxing gibbous, libra (air/cardinal)
Earth: warm, muggy and sunny much of the day (after thunderstorms last night), with now more storms blowing in

Note: I wanted to post this yesterday, but Blogger was down for more than twenty hours (and my previous post is, at the time of this writing, still missing... though staff say all lost posts should be restored soon.

There's a new Druidry SIG over on TC, and one of the introductory threads asks "What kind of Druidic path do you walk?" I thought I would post my reply here, for posterity, since it reflects my current perspective on my spiritual path. Since the nature of a path is that your perspective of it will keep changing as you move along it, it's nice to revisit that question every once in a while.

I have always been drawn primarily to Revival Druidry traditions, especially because when I first began exploring Druidry I still considered myself a Catholic and (maybe more importantly) an academic. Studying comparative world religions in college, I couldn't quite get behind the notion of Celtic Reconstructionism, as I was fairly well aware of just how little we have to go on in some respects from an academic perspective — and at the same time, I was drawn to some of the early 18th and 19th century spiritual movements that sought to bring East and West together (like Theosophy, for instance). The kind of wild-Celtic(ish)-pastoralism and ambivalence towards the industrial revolution that many of the Romantic poets embodied in their work also had a great deal of influence on me, so it's probably not much of a surprise that Revival Druidry (which has its roots in the British fraternities, social clubs and workers unions of the 18th and 19th centuries) struck a chord with me. There was also, like I mentioned, the issue of acceptance and my desire to explore Druidry while still a Christian - the two Revival Druidry Orders that I belong to (AODA and OBOD) both state outright that they accept Druids from all religious backgrounds and see Druidry more as a philosophy or way of life than a "religion" per se. (Since then, I've come to question that acceptance a bit, both because these organizations have not always lived up to their reputations of inclusion in my experience, and because to some extent I think it may be a bit of a feint to try to distinguish "religion" from "way of life" in the long run...)

Anyway! The first Order I joined was AODA (Ancient Order of Druids in America) - I chose them because they seemed to have the most flexibility and acceptance of the American-based groups I knew of, and a really well-developed study program. I considered joining ADF, but at the time I was still Catholic and resolutely monotheistic/panentheistic… and although that's changed, I still find I don't quite jive with the theological approach that ADF takes. Still, there are a lot of things I do admire about ADF — their emphasis on excellence and scholarship, their democratic organizational structure, and the friendliness and outreach that the local ADF grove here in Pittsburgh does so well. I'm really glad to see a lot of ADF folks here in this SIG — I'm hoping to learn more about that organization from people already involved in it.

I joined OBOD a bit later... but honestly, I found their Bardic course to be on the far side of simplistic (and WAY overpriced!). Later when I found out that OBOD is a for-profit company set up to help Philip Carr-Gomm and his friends market their books and CDs... that kind of soured me on them. (I was also put off a bit by their rather bitter, unsupportive reaction to The Druid Network's gaining charity status last year.) I think they probably offer some great workshops and festivals over in the UK, but over here in the U.S., I feel like they don't offer much. So while I'm still officially a member, I'm definitely nonactive. So it goes...

Most recently, I got involved just last year with an "offshoot" Order that began as a grove of AODA and then broke away over some differences of emphasis. They're called the "Druid Order of the Three Realms," and they incorporate a lot of what appeals to me about Revival Druidry along with an emphasis on nonhierarchical structure and particular attention played to the Three Realms of Land, Sea and Sky. It seems like a happy medium between the CR approach and the Revival approach, and so far I've really enjoyed my work with them. My partner and I were both invited to join the Order and we're working our way through their Aspirant Program. I'm enjoying the review that it's providing me! Every time I return to some of the simplest concepts in Druidry, I find that my understanding of them deepens.

So that's where I'm at. As a (soon-to-be) stepmom of four kids being raised in the Druid tradition, one aspect of Druidry that I'm really interested in is the kind of "interDruish" community made up of solitaries and folks from many different Orders and traditions. My oldest stepdaughter already knows more about Druidry than I learned my first year working with AODA... which leaves me wondering what the place of aspirant/candidate work will be for people raised in these traditions. That's another reason why ADF really fascinates me — because my impression is that they really have in place a Dedicant Program that's relevant not just for neophytes and converts, but for anyone seeking to explore Druidry in-depth. I'd like to see some of the Revival Druidry Orders learn from this and start thinking about the place of future generations....

DOTR Lesson 4: Air

Sun: taurus (earth/fixed), 6:07am - 8:26pm
Moon: waxing gibbous, virgo (earth/mutable)
Earth: gorgeous and sunny, bright morning, with an afternoon getting up near 80º with thundershowers

I've done a pretty poor job of keeping up with this diary over the past month or so, but that doesn't mean I haven't continued my spiritual work, as well as work more specifically pertaining to DOTR. Sometimes it's difficult to remember to journal here, just because so much of my work seems to tie back in to my spiritual life and path in one way or another, though perhaps not always in clearly definable ways. In any case, I just finished some meditation on Air (for Lesson 3), and I wanted to spend some time noting a few important bits. But (as to be expected, I suppose), I'm feeling a bit "air headed" and scatter brained at the moment, so don't expect too much coherence.

First, a reflection on Air as an element. On Monday morning, I sat outside and did a simple ritual of meditation and connection with the element of Air (though, thanks to the brilliant weather we've been having, I also made passing acquaintance with Fire in the form of sunlight and, subsequently, sunburn). I haven't been keeping up with my meditation as much as I would like, and there have been plenty of things to distract me (more on that later), so I wasn't able to sink deeply into trance or anything like that. But rather than force it, I simply allowed myself to spend time with the element as it expressed itself in my immediate landscape. I felt the breeze on my skin, listened to it play through the wind chimes in the backyard, and watched as it moved the spiraling incense smoke this way and that, turning first away from me, then surrounding me, then lifting up to disappear into the air above me.

Sitting inside this morning to do meditation, I again watched the incense and not for the first time marveled at how solid the forms of smoke seemed, how they kept their shape (though that shape was definitely mutable and spiraling and every-changing) and I could watch one bend or curl of smoke as it wafted on its own unique journey through the barely moving currents of air in the room until it slowly faded — not so much dissipating as simply disappearing, fading away.

This brings my mind back to the relationship between the four classical elements (earth, air, fire and water) and the three Druidic elements of nwyfre, gwyar and calas. In JMG's Druidry Handbook, I always found the explanation rather dissatisfying. It seems to me that these three v. four are distinct systems of understanding the world, with their own implications, and if that's true then one should be able to bring them to bear on one another. Instead, in the Handbook, the four seem simply an extension of the three — so that the implication is the three are somehow incomplete — and nwyfre seems to morph and change not in any essential way, but more as a matter of convenience, taking on whatever extra role seems necessary. Really, the three Druidic elements as JMG presents them seem like a hobbled version of the four classical elements, less like a three-legged stool than a four-legged chair you've taken a saw to. In our teaching work with Savanah, Jeff and I have tried to develop both an understanding of the three elements as complete in themselves, and an understanding of how the four elements can be understood in relation to the three. Anyone who talks to a twelve year old probably knows that you need to know your shit and have your explanations clear if you want to escape endless scrutiny. It took a while to explain why gwyar was different from water, for instance, and calas not quite the same as earth, and so on. But it's been helpful work, and has forced me to articulate some things in my own approach.

The approach I use now is that the three Druidic elements can be understood as guiding principles or aspects of the world. I understand them, most simply, as form, flow and force (for calas, gwyar and nwyfre). Thus, calas is the principle of form, manifestation, boundaries, limits, distinction and individuality. Gwyar is the principle of flow, exchange, movement, communication, connection and freedom. And nwyfre is the principle of force, energy, initiative, desire (and repulsion), drive and life-force in the kind of spiritual sense. Each of these describes aspects that can be found in absolutely everything in the physical (and nonphysical) world.

How do these relate to the four classical elements of earth, air, fire and water? Here I borrow an understanding from astrology (and as I study more, the more I see how much insight this approach has to offer!). The three Druidic elements can be likened to the three qualities in astrology known as cardinal (corresponding in my understanding with nwyfre), mutable (with gwyar) and fixed (with calas) — for each of the twelve zodiac, a sign is a combination of one of these three aspects with one of the four classical elements. Thus, you have Taurus as fixed earth while Virgo is mutable earth, Leo is fixed fire while Aries is cardinal fire, and so on. The three combined in this way with the four create twelve, each with its own particular expression. Taking a cue from astrology then, I see the three Druidic elements as principles or aspects, and I see the four classical elements as qualities or "building blocks," so to speak. Each of the four classical elements has a quality to it that can be expressed by any of the three principles. Thus earth is dark, cool, dry and heavy; air is bright, light, hot and moist; fire is bright, light, hot and dry, water is dark, cool, moist and heavy. These combination of qualities mean each element has particular associations as well — times, places, objects, tools and other symbols that best exemplify or embody the quality particular to that element. (So, for instance, the seasons: spring as warm and moist, summer as hot and dry, fall as cool and moist, winter as cold and dry.)

But the key here is that each of the elements can be expressed through any of the principles represented by the three Druidic elements. Thus, we can have fire as a quality expressed in calas - that principle of a physical fire which gives it shape and definition in our experiential engagement, which imbues it with a kind of perceivable form, that gives it an edge and a boundary. Fire expressed in gwyar is the process of combustion and consumption, the transformation of fuel into flame through a reaction and exchange. Or, another example, earth in calas is, most simply, the material world itself, all around us, which we experience as a realm of form and manifestation, full of distinct entities with limits, boundaries that bump up against one another. Earth expressed by the principle of nwyfre, on the other hand, is the urge in Spirit itself to manifest through form and limit. It is the spark, the initiative, the force of life that gives rise to form, that seeks to consolidate itself into particular organized entities. It is the energy of nwyfre expressed through the quality of darkness and opacity and heaviness.

These are just preliminary thoughts, and I have work to do to tease out the details and how each combination really works. Some qualities (four elements) seem to have particular affinity with certain principles (three elements). (For instance, the element of water is deeply related to the element or principle of gwyar.) So one thing I want to do during this time of revisiting the four elements through the DOTR work is to explore how each of the four elements is expressed or exemplified or affected by the three Druidic elements as principles of being. I'm hoping my divination work will help with this as well. Not only do I plan to keep studying astrology during this time, but I'm also looking into Erynn Rowan Laurie's book on the ogham, in which she talks about using three full sets (of 20) for three "currents" — chthonic, oceanic and celestial — corresponding to the three realms. My understanding of the three Druidic elements of calas, gwyar and nwyfre is that they also correspond to the three realms… though exactly how they correspond is something I'm still working out, and some of it will depend on my deeper research into this approach to ogham.

In particular, on that note, I find myself wavering between associating calas or gwyar with the chthonic/earthy realm. My two patron deities, Brigid Star Fire and Manannan, seem to dwell in tension with each other, with Brigid very much a deity of sky and the celestial, while Manannan is not only a deity of the ocean, but of the depths and the darkness, so that he also seems connected to the "underground" (as well as the mists that rise from the earth to obscure our way, and the rain that pours from the sky and soaks into the earth, seeking its depths). This is another issue that I have with the DOTR Three Realms practice itself. Maybe because of my aesthetic sense of my need for balance (or because I am overly analytical about these things) — I find myself wanting to reach down to connect with "water" (or more specifically, with gwyar) below instead of with "earthy" aspects associated with calas and the land. For me, the blue, deep, dark, heavy, moist, watery qualities below can then be brought into relationship with the yellow, high, bright, light, dry, fiery celestial energies of nwyfre above…. mixing and mingling and expressing themselves in the green aspects of calas and the land, the realm of form and manifestation.

The tree then, a mighty presence of the land, is a symbol of that bridge and that relationship — reaching its branches and leaves up into the sky for sunlight and air, and reaching its roots deep into the earth in search of water and nutrients…. at both these extremes, you have fluidity, exchange, change and a kind of blurring of boundaries, a liminality where Tree merges with that which is seeks. And then, having received the gifts of the heights and the depths, the fire and the water, these extremes, opposites, are integrated and brought into relationship in such a way that you have the "middle earth," the land we walk upon as a meeting place of these other realms, the realm of unique manifestation and expression, individuality and boundaries. The individual can be lost in the mysteries of the depths just as in the celestial mysteries — there is a dark mysticism as well as a bright mysticism. But the "real world" of sensual, sensory experience, where we know ourselves as distinct entities for the most part (only sometimes sinking into depths or rising to heights where we forget our "selves" completely in union with something greater)… that's the realm of calas, of the land, and the Tree. It seems to me that a daily spiritual practice works best (in my experience, anyway) when it teaches us how to bring the more liminal, fluid mysteries of the depths and the heights and integrate them and express them in the everyday world around us. In Kabbalism, as I understand it, there's the idea of climbing up the tree to reach those heights, and then bringing that energy back down "the lightning strike zigzagging through the ten sefirot. But in this idea, the tree not only reaches up towards the celestial, but down as well, into the depth and darkness of the "underworld," and that energy and experience is brought into relationship from both directions into a center. (Plus, blue + yellow = green, duh!)

Is this "underworld" of watery depths and darkness most appropriately called "chthonic"? I'm not sure — I haven't ever used that term much. Perhaps "oceanic" makes more sense, especially since we tend to think (even if just metaphorically) of the lands kind of "floating" on the oceans (and understanding the underground lakes and rivers, the moistness of caves, and even the liquid molten rock below the earth's crust, it makes a kind of literal sense as well). If that's the case, then, does chthonic fit well with the idea of the Tree as bridge between celestial and oceanic, and the land as a kind of "middle ground" where these two Mysteries are brought into manifestation? I can't answer that, because I don't know enough about what the word "chthonic" is supposed to imply (though my first instinct is to answer no, it doesn't quite fit). Still, the relationship between "fire" and "water" (not as elements, now, but as symbols or representatives of the realms, I guess) is something that seems to rest at the core of my Celtic spirituality…. So it's worth exploring. Perhaps I'll tidy this up a bit and post it to the DOTR group blog for some feedback.

This became a long, rambling exploration in a rather more abstract way than I'd originally intended. This was all sparked by my observation during meditation of the way the incense smoke hung together, spiraling around itself — or, the other day, cast shadows on my arms and chest as I sat in the sunlight — bringing to mind again that this smoke, and the air currents themselves, are still very much expressing themselves in calas. The air currents, though they seem invisible to the human eye, are just as distinct, real things as fire or earth (or water and its slightly less invisible currents). To the birds who fly through the air, or the dogs and other animals navigating by scent, the currents of air are palpable presences, distinct bodies with their own boundaries. A story David Abram tells in his book, Becoming Animal, illustrates this point nicely — he describes one time watching ducks flying into a hard wind, dipping here and there, testing to find the edges of the strongest current of air and where there were slips and gaps in the wall of wind coming at them that they could push their way through. For the ducks, the air was as solid and bounded a thing as the landscapes of hills and valleys, forests and fields that we walk through, looking for our own slips and gaps to help us make our way. So air has expression in calas, in the realm of form and manifestation. The invisible, the unseen still has an active presence in and engagement with the manifest world. And as I watched the incense smoke, I understand that the element of Air, too, has its limits and boundaries.

I did want to talk a little bit about some other work I've been doing, but it seems that most of the morning has passed while I've been writing this (and I haven't even done a tarot card reading!). So I'll wrap things up here and maybe come back to it later. I am going to try to be more diligent in writing down these various reflections and experiences. I swear!

Hasty Letter to Mentor

Wow, B--! That sounds like an amazing moment! :)

I'm wondering if I'm experiencing a little energy boost as a result of my ties to the grove, because after a month or two of feeling "blocked" spiritually (or, more accurately, feeling so intensely engaged with practical life stuff, I haven't had time to do much more than meditate), the last day or two I've had a renewal of energy and focus. My flamekeeping shift for Brigid was just yesterday, and I actually spent part of that time going back over the DOTR lessons and looking at where I am and what's coming up next. So your message is well timed! ;)

Right now, I'm just about to start in on the lessons for the four elements, starting with Air. I'm in the process of studying, on my own time, the basics of astrology, as well as Erynn Rowan Laurie's take on the ogham. So I'm thinking of tying the four element work in to that exploration (since I have more than a passing familiarity with the four elements already, and this would provide a refresher as well as a more in-depth exploration). I'm beginning my study of astrology with Stephen Arroyo's handbook, but plan to move on to his well-known work "Astrology, Psychology and the Four Elements" where he explores the energies of the four elements and how they express themselves in the planets, houses and aspects in great depth. I'll probably read that over the course of the next few months, even if it doesn't precisely match up with the lessons as they're outlined.

My other concern right now is finding a grove to practice with in-person here in Pittsburgh. On Imbolc, I attended a rite hosted by the local ADF grove, which was a very good experience for me. Since then, I've been meaning to make it to some of their discussion groups and smaller blessing rites that they hold throughout the month, but my schedule has been full-to-bursting (and last Sunday's Beltaine ritual was rained out - so Jeff and I did a simple garden blessing ritual with the kids in the backyard instead.) Also, part of me feels like if I'm going to be regularly involved in their work, perhaps it makes sense for me to "officially" join ADF. But I'm hesitant to do that in part because I definitely part ways with them on some key theological issues, and in part because I'm not so inclined to go through yet another year-and-a-day introductory course!

Jeff and I continue to talk about forming a grove of our own more in keeping with DOTR's style, and eventually he will decide to commit to joining DOTR as well. He's just not a very big group joiner in general, and not very keen on ritual - a bit too much Zen in him - he likes to just chase whatever interests him at the moment. I definitely feel that some in-person, real-life commitment and ritual work would be beneficial for me at this point, though, so maybe I can work on him. ;)

So that pretty much sums it up. Sorry this response is a bit rushed. Hopefully I'll have time a bit later today to sit down and go over things a bit more carefully. For now, have to run!

--Ali

DOTR Lesson 3: Awen and Creative Work

My work with Lesson 3: Awen is, I think, almost at an end. I haven't spent as much time as I would have liked writing poetry and doing "actual creative work," but there's no doubt that I've been feeling the influx of inspiration lately and, in particular, changing some of the ways I've been thinking about creativity and creative approaches to soul-work and career in particular.

The "creative project" for Lesson 3 will undoubtedly take much longer than a few weeks, so I'm pretty comfortable moving on to the next lesson while continuing that creative work. I had been anticipating being able to spend more time sitting and writing poetry, but what has demanded my attention — practically forcing its way to the forefront this past month — is work on my website and, by extension, what I'm now coming to call my "author platform." A lot of the work that I've been doing on the wedding planning end of things has led me to reevaluate my expectations about what I'm capable of accomplishing. When it came to planning a wedding, I assumed that (a) we didn't have the money to hire a professional wedding planner, (b) tons of people manage to plan a wedding without a professional planner every year, (c) no one else was going to step up and plan my wedding if I didn't (especially not the way Jeff and I wanted it), and (d) I most obviously had the skills to do it right — in fact, to make it fantastic! Yet all this time, I've been looking at folks who present workshops, give lecturers, teach classes and in general rock the professional writer scene and thought to myself, "I could never do that! I'm just an introverted, shy type of writer-recluse who will just have to settle for being amazing yet amazingly obscure." But why? I can't imagine that preparing a talk or presentation is all that much more intimidating that planning and hosting an event for about a hundred people.... And I managed to break the latter down into a manageable goal that I could work up to a bit at a time. So, why not the other?

That's my inherent elitism coming out. I really do think that part of me assumed that I could handle planning a wedding because lots of people do it all the time without any special prep work or qualifications, and I am way more competent than lots of people even without any experience or credentials. But thinking about becoming an "expert" on something, enough for a book I wrote to be taken seriously, to have the authority of Author.... was not something I could imagine for myself. I didn't know how people became "experts" at the very same time that I was still busy thinking that most of the "experts" out there these days weren't nearly as thoughtful or intelligent as I can be. So I was working this neurotic double standard that kept me expectations far higher than perhaps they should have been while secretly harboring snarky suspicions about people who managed to be professionally successful... which just became an excuse for me to stay in the shadows and always be in the process of "working on my book" without ever finishing one.

Now I'm seeing that creative work is not limited to what I put down on the page. It's also about crafting a professional career, and that's a beautiful thing! There's no job out there that's made perfectly just for me, that I get to just step into and start earning a paycheck — precisely because any pre-made job opening couldn't be suited precisely to me and my needs. Instead, I get to engage in the creative process of making my own job, composed of the various tasks and interactions that I'm most interested in pursuing. But if I can bring a sense of professionalism to a job like waitressing, I'll be damned if I can't live up to the "professional" side of being a professional writer.

And what really brought it home for me was how I have, for some people, come to be considered an "extremist," and how out-of-control and unjust my online presence suddenly seemed to have become. Whining about misunderstandings or the limits of the medium seemed silly when I thought back to the craft of poetry when I was first learning it, and forgoing the whining of "readers just don't get me" and instead buckling down to the hard work of making my writing more accessible and clear. My online persona — my "author platform" online and in person — is not who I am at the deepest level, it is a creative work just as much as a piece of writing is, and if I feel that it's not getting through, then I have at least a large part of the responsibility to listen, to attend, to practice and respond and shape my craft so that it does.

So that's my big creative project for this lesson, and one that will continue to play a major role in the months and years to come. The biggest part of that right now is launching a new website, and leaving behind the Meadowsweet & Myrrh space. Ever since upgrading to the new design, trying to tweak and change and incorporate the kinds of features and widgets I wanted, that space has started to feel more cluttered, too messy and small to meet my needs. The more direct control over the layout and design of this new website is already making a world of difference, though I wouldn't be surprised if it needs to be revamped in the future. It will also be more sustainable in terms of the organization of blog updates, giving up the linear model for one that is more expansive, which will relieve the pressure to constantly update with new amazingly mind-blowingly awesome posts — which in turn will free up my energies to devote elsewhere, to other aspects of my writing. The website will be a good home base for my author identity even if I'm not constantly updating it (because, honestly, I don't think my personality is cut out for daily updates... I can't even sustain it in a private forum like this blog).

So I've been kept up at night several times over the last few weeks, with brain-storms roiling and thundering behind my closed eyes as I imagine all the possibilities and find myself getting more and more excited by it. Understanding that I need to narrow down my goals and set some reasonable, reachable ones (and, as one writer I read recently put it, being able to distinguish between "prolific" and "productive" in a way that frees me a bit from the pressures of guilt and perfectionism)... it's all very awesome. I look at how in two years time I was able to quadruple my readers for Meadowsweet just with a fumbling, haphazard approach in the midst of big life changes, and I imagine just what I could accomplish with an organized approach with clearer goals and a deeper insight into who I want to be as an author. Was it less than a year ago that I was thrilled to even be mentioned on The Wild Hunt? And now I've guest posted there, I have regular interactions with Jason (and frankly, because I'm elitist, I find that he's not all the hot shit I thought he was originally and there are actually things about his approach that I disagree with him about), and in general I feel perfectly comfortable considering myself part of that "in crowd." And all the while, my expectations for what I can accomplish always outstrip my current success (the old phenomenon I mentioned to Carl last time we saw him: I might have huge admiration for a publication or publisher.... until they accept and print my work, and then I figure they must not have been all that good or picky after all. Is this elitism or low self-esteem?).

I figure, if my expectations are always based on the next biggest success marker, then that might actually be a good thing — something that challenges me to keep pushing and stretching and growing — as long as I don't use it as an excuse not to try at all or to give up too soon. I recently found out that one of my favorite words — attending, which I love for its triple connotation of presence, focus and service — comes from a Latin root meaning "to stretch towards." This is what I want. I don't want to be hedged in by trolls and nay-sayers, I want to stretch towards that dream-self I can imagine myself as being, and find ways to make her my reality. She doesn't let trolls define her or pull her off track: she has a gift, and she shares it, and she seeks out those who will be receptive and makes a point of reaching out to them. And those who aren't receptive? Love will find its own way out: water through ice, root through rock.