2012 In Review

I have every intention of revisiting the topic of my last couple posts, but a quick cold intervened over the last few days (beaten into submission with a barrage of echinacea tea and ColdEeze and tons of sleep). Since today is the last day of 2012, I thought I would share some end-of-the-year reflections. I have a tendency to do these types of reviews when my energy is high (for instance, this past year, I only got around to it in March, since we were dealing with the whole thing of moving across the country), and that is almost never during the week between Christmas and New Year's Day. This year, however, I think it might be worth an attempt at least, before plunging into the next season of FF&C and the craziness that will be this coming spring.

And so. I plan to do some kind of tarot reading later tonight, after Jeff and I get back from our New Year's Eve dinner date, but for now, I'm stealing something that Finn shared (it may have originated over on TC, I'm not sure) to get me ruminating on the past year. Here goes.

2012 Review

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?

Namely, moved across the country to live in Seattle. There are so many first-evers that have resulted from that, it feels odd to list all of them, but I'll try to highlight some of the more important ones:
- Saw the Pacific Ocean for the first time.
- Taught naturalist programs to school groups and the general public.
- Celebrated solar festivals with a local OBOD group.
- Started my own business. (Put in more than 60 hours of work a week doing a job I love.)
- Wrote the first draft of a novel (okay, almost — in word count alone, definitely).
- Met a new goddess.
- Saw the salmon returning to spawn.
- Voted to legalize gay marriage! Yay!


2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn't make very many resolutions back in December of last year, but looking at my Uncensored To-Do List from back in March, I see that many of the things I'd hoped to do (or keep doing) had to fall by the wayside or take second priority to FF&C and my volunteer work. This is, in some ways, a bit disappointing. But in other ways, I think it's a natural process of winnowing that needs to take place as I settle into more fulfilling work that requires a larger time and energy commitment.

On the other hand, there are some commitments that I think I need to revisit and renew, in particular those that have to do with establishing healthy habits for both body and spirit. So yes, I will be making some resolutions for the coming year.


3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Ugh. This was the EW's off year. She popped one out right before our wedding last year, and another one is apparently on the way for next year. Some people need to stop procreating.


4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thankfully, no.


5. What countries did you visit?

Just the one I live in. But if we revise this to bioregions, I've seen quite a few this year, including the low-lying Puget Sound area (because I live there now) and the wild mountainous regions of the Pacific Northwest. We drove through the usual deserts and grasslands of the central U.S. during our move early this year, but we didn't linger.


6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?

I suppose it would be snarky to answer: Time. Honestly, I feel that my life is very full these days, both of wonderful things that I'm grateful for, and not-so-wonderful things that cause stress. So what I would like for 2013 is a sense of perspective and an attitude of non-attachment and simplicity that will help me to make the necessary choices about what to hold onto and what to release. Does that sound too New Agey?


7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

The Wild Goose West Festival was fantastic and inspiring, as were the few days leading up to it that Jeff and I spent in the yurt on the Oregon coast.

On a less happy note, the day that we had to spend in court because of the EW. Too often, I find myself back in that courtroom going over all the things that we could have done or said.


8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Starting my own business and producing 50 hour-long podcast episodes and two successful seasons. But a close second would be finally getting a first draft of a novel written. (On the other hand, if you ask the internet, it would probably be writing that Hipster Paganism post. #irony)


9. What was your biggest failure?

No single failure, really, but the slow build up of minor daily failures (like the failure to exercise as regularly as I'd hoped, or to eat as well as I should, or to meditate on a daily basis), which has resulted in me still being 15 or so pounds overweight and, in general, feeling more stressed both physically and spiritually than is really necessary.


10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Stupid recurring minor aches and pains in my shoulders and back, most of which I'm sure has to do with lack of regular exercise and stretching. Other than that, nothing beyond the normal seasonal colds and such.


11. What was the best thing you bought?

I didn't technically buy it, but my birthday gift this year was an iPad, and it has far exceeded my expectations.

As for something I actually bought, since they are so few and far between, I'd say my hiking boots, followed by the cheap treadmill/standing desk combo I got so I could walk while I work. But the $2 thirft-store leather coat (to be converted into some sort of steampunk outfit in the future) was pretty awesome, too.


12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Jeff continues to win Husband of the Year in my heart. Our first year of marriage was pretty damned kickass, and I can't wait for many, many more.

The kids were awesome when they came out to visit us in Seattle, though they tended to be a bit wild and rude during our last visit with them over Solstice. Still, in general, they are growing up to be lovely people and it's always so cool to hang out with them.

My brother, who left his well-paying corporate job to go back to grad school and is now earning his Masters at Columbia. I'm so proud to have a brother who puts knowledge and social justice ahead of profit.

Also, Penny is such an inspiring person, she makes me want to be awesome.


13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Don't get me started. Mostly people on the internet being the reason Why We Can't Have Nice Things (especially in the Pagan community — I need to learn to hold this loosely and not get upset when certain Jerks Celebre decide to attack me personally). Politicians, but in particular asshat Republicans who keep trying to fling us back into the stone age. Unsurprisingly, the EW, who continues to be a weirdly small-minded person who lies about almost everything, even though she's really bad at it.


14. Where did most of your money go?

Most of "my" money went to paying student loans, and after that to the podcast, occasional dinner dates with Jeff, a few ebooks, and the rest into savings.

Most of our money as a couple went to the EW — Jeff calculated it out that we spend about 44% of our total joint income on child support and travel expenses for the kids. After that, rent and food are our next biggest expenses, followed by the usual utility bills and such. We're trying to live a pretty modest lifestyle, but it's hard not to be resentful when you know that those thousands of dollars in child support are financing the EW's next pregnancy and a new pair of toe-shoes.


15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

The podcast, on numerous occasions. Joining SageWoman as a columnist. Welcoming a new goddess into my life. My naturalist training and teaching. My Saturn Return finally being over. Steampunk Druidry.


16. What song will always remind you of 2012?

Er..... Probably something from Professor Elemental (Jeff's fault). Certainly not anything from that awful movie version of Les Miz.


17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? Happier, and most definitely less stressed.

b) thinner or fatter? Maybe a little bit heavier, unfortunately.

c) richer or poorer? Certainly less in debt than last year, and were it not for the asinine new child custody agreement that has Jeff spending thousands on unnecessary travel while the EW doesn't contribute a dime, we'd be richer.


18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Hiking and spending time out in nature (not just in the local parks, but out in the wilderness). Exercising and doing regular yoga. Reading challenging books, especially nonfiction (though I read a lot more fiction this year than in previous years).


19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Wasting time being angry or annoyed with people on the internet. Worrying about money and having to battle with the EW's need to control our lives long-distance. Eating ice cream and other comfort foods.


20. How will you be spending Christmas?

We spent Christmas itself hanging out at home, just the two of us, watching The Hogfather and eating homemade lembas (that Finn made for us!) and drinking hot chocolate.

We spent Solstice with the kids visiting my parents, with Dan (and his two cats) there, too, and Jeff's Aunt Melanie coming to visit for a couple days. It was a full house, but it was wonderful to see everybody!


21. What was your favorite month of 2011?

I think August was pretty awesome. We'd just finished our first successful season of FF&C, and Jeff was back home from his time on the east coast with the kids. We had gorgeous weather and lots of time on weekends to go out and enjoy it. I did a lot of writing and spiritual work.

November was pretty fun, too, though, thanks to NaNoWriMo, though I started to burn out by the end.


22. Did you fall in love in 2012?

I'm very much in love with Jeff. It's kind of astounding how awesome he is.


23. How many one-night stands?

All of my nightstands last for more than one night; they're made of wood.


24. What was your favorite TV program?

I get a kick out of The Mindy Project, which just started this year and has a lot of the same people working on it that did The Office. Other than that, eh, re-runs courtesy of Amazon Prime.


25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I try not to hate people. However, I am more familiar with some of the reasons why I dislike so many Republicans.


26. What was the best book you read?

Jeff has been introducing me to the old Sherlock Holmes stories (which are way better than all of the current remakes coming out in film and television), and I really enjoyed Juliet Marillier's trilogy, the Bridei Chronicles, in particular the third book, The Well of Shades.

I really can't think of any really great nonfiction books I've read. Lyanda Lynn Haupt's Crow Planet was enjoyable, but not ground-breaking or anything, and JMG's Mystery Teachings from the Living Earth was alright, though it also left a lot wanting. I have so many cool books on my to-read list, but just haven't had the time to get to them. (For instance, for Solstice I got an awesome collection of essays on the evolution of the concept of "wilderness" in Western society!)


27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

B sharp


28. What did you want and get?

An iPad. A wonderful little apartment (with counter space!)


29. What did you want and not get?

A wonderful little apartment close to a park — this, I think, has been the subtlest but most important disappointment of the year. I had not anticipated how big a difference this would make to my ability to get out to nature regularly. Still, this apartment is so vastly better than the one we were living in in Pittsburgh, it's worth it.


30. What was your favorite film of this year?

A tie between Brave and The Hobbit, I think, which aside from a few other unremarkable ones are pretty much the only movies I've seen this year. (Why do all these questions make me feel like I need to get out of the house more?)


31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 29 this year, without very much pomp or celebration. Jeff was out in New Hampshire with the kids, so I had a quiet day probably puttering around the house doing what I normally do.


32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

If we had been able to reach a reasonable child custody agreement in which Jeff got to see the kids for two months in the summer, and the EW had to pay for half of the transportation costs of sending the kids to Seattle once a year.


33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?

I don't know what this question means.

Ummm.... I would say "practical naturalist." Is that a thing? Lots of practical clothes, layers against the wind and rain, and of course, my awesome hiking boots.


34. What kept you sane?

Jeff. Sushi. Time by myself. Watching the crows in the hemlock tree across the street.


35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I don't know.... Patrick Stewart? (I feel old.)


36. What political issue stirred you the most?

I really can't help but cry every time the issue of marriage equality comes up. Despite all of the places where we seem to be going backwards, I am so so proud of the progress we've made towards equality and acceptance on that front.

Otherwise, the usual environmental issues. Out here, we have reason to be concerned about them trying to run coal trains through the area to ship coal over to China, where they'll burn it without any regulations and the pollution will end up back over here anyway. #gah


37. Who did you miss?

As for people: I miss hanging out with Arthur watching Doctor Who and Battlestar Galactica on Thursdays. As for non-humans: I miss the woods and mountains of western PA, the city of Pittsburgh (Frick Park and Phipps Conservatory, in particular), and the rolling farmlands of Lancaster county.


38. Who were the best new people you met?

Finn rocks. :) I knew her online, but we got to meet in person once we moved out here.

I also got to meet the amazing people who work for the city parks, like Penny, Anne, Belinda, Brian, and a bunch of other volunteers, who are all pretty kickass.


39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.

I just saw this quote somewhere recently that I think sort of sums it up: "If a conductor wants to lead the orchestra, they have to turn their back to the crowd."

I guess another way of saying this is that finding fulfilling work that inspires and enchants you goes a long way to make up for not being allowed to sit at the Popular Kids Table in the great High School Cafeteria of Life. (And the accompanying insight is that, sadly, most people never really leave the high school cafeteria, and it's no use getting angry with them about it. Just make friends with the teachers and the lunch lady, and find where all the other nerds are sitting. ;)


40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Though the soldiers may be fighting
In the trenches or on a battleship at sea
But there isn't any war
When the clock strikes four
EVERYTHING STOPS FOR TEA


(My gods that ended up being a long questionaire!)

Savanah's Year: Calas of Earth, Week 3 & Review

I didn't have a chance to write up any notes on last week's lesson, perhaps mostly because Jeff took the lead in doing most of the talking and discussion-prompting. As our last week of lessons for Calas of Earth, we focused on our houses and homes as living spaces that help to shape us and manifest our relationship with the land around us, as use the materials of the physical world to craft shelters that give us safety of both the physical and the spiritual kind. Jeff talked a bit about his friend, Slade, who has experience building relationships with house spirits. We asked Savanah to pay attention to the different spaces she's in throughout the week and ask herself questions about how they make her feel, and why. What kinds of spaces does she enjoy being in and that make her feel comfortable or welcome, and what kinds of spaces make her feel uncomfortable or anxious.

As has become the pattern, Savanah didn't complete these assignments or answer the questions in any depth. In the past, I think she's either forgotten or couldn't think of any answers; this past week, she says she was so busy doing all sorts of craft projects in preparation for Christmas coming that she didn't have any time to look over the questions until Friday - at which point she realized she hadn't been paying attention to the spaces she was in all week.

This week's lesson was a review session where we spent almost the entire time teaching her how to use her Tarot deck the "official" way (instead of just flipping through and picking out cards, as we've had her doing before). But first, we went over some of her previous assignments, since she did remember to bring her Druid journal with her. Jeff read out loud her long description of her twelve (now fourteen) plants in her room, each described with care and a detailed history of its growth and health, and most of them concluding that they "needed more love and attention." Some of her descriptions of the plants were very detailed and well-written, which suggests she definitely has the talent and skill, if only she could find the interest. We also spent some time looking over the four elements correspondence exercises we gave her the week before last, which involved her brainstorming different images, objects, animals, plants and landscapes to match each of the four classic elements of earth, air, fire and water. She did an excellent job with those exercises (and was able to do drawings of six of the seven - the four classic elements plus gwyar and nwyfre - instead of the story-writing exercise, although she forgot the drawings at her mom's house).

We used these exercises to transition to talking about the tarot cards. First, we had her pick a card at random - she drew the Ace of Pentacles - and then Jeff and I each pulled that card from our respective decks laid them in a row to compare the imagery and talk about common themes. Then, we looked at the first elemental exercise - choosing the tarot card that she thought best represented each element and then listing what aspects of the card connected to that element for her - and we went through each of the four cards she'd chosen doing the same thing. This proved really interesting, since Jeff uses a Buddha Tarot deck that is very different from what I'm used to. My deck, in many ways, has a more traditional use of imagery and symbolism than either Jeff's or Savanah's, so we were able to make effective comparisons across a pretty broad spectrum. The cards Savanah chose were: Strength for earth, Judgement for air, the Ten of Wands for fire, and the Star for water.

One thing that I did notice quite a bit during these discussions was that Savanah has real difficulty sitting quietly and listening for any length of time - she is fond of interrupting, sometimes with clearly tangential or miscellaneous observations. My impression is that she does this in order to be funny, but it becomes quite disruptive when Jeff or I are trying to explain an idea in depth or answer one of her own questions in a way that requires some complexity and subtlety. And yet, when asked questions directly, she often seems very hesitant to provide answers or probe more in-depth beyond an initial response. This, to me, seems like it might be a defense mechanism for when she doesn't know for sure or is afraid of being wrong. I'm not sure how to encourage her to calm down and reach a place where she is receptive to the kinds of connections and insights that deeper analysis and self-awareness require. This is definitely a challenge, and one that I think Jeff and I are still trying to figure out how to handle. Perhaps we are expecting too much from her - but I'm honestly not sure. I do know that not all kids develop at the same rate, so we're doing our best to tailor the lessons to her skills and interests as a way of leading her more deeply into areas that might not be as familiar to her. But gods, is it tough sometimes. (This is one of those times when I wish we were on better terms with her mother, because then we might be able to ask her if she's had similar experience with the homeschooling, or how she approaches this challenge. Perhaps if Savanah does eventually end up going to school, we'll be able to consult with teachers? Maybe I should ask my aunt Pat. I think she has experience with kids around Savanah's age.)

We then moved on to actual readings. Since we were having Savanah use the cards to answer three questions, Jeff and I each demonstrated by asking one question and using our decks to answer. Each of us has a slightly different way of shuffling and choosing our cards, so we also explained the differences and the reasons behind our choices. Afterwards, we had Savanah do her reading - she chose to shuffle the deck between each question, and tended to use her dad's way of picking the cards (which is to move slowly through the deck, cards face down, until one seems to "jump out" as the right one to pick).

For the first question, "What message does the land have for me?" she drew the Five of Swords. The interpretation of this card in her book was about a conflict or disagreement, along with the suggestion that perhaps careful thought and reasoning, attempting to see things from many different sides, might help in finding a solution. During our discussion about this card, we asked her how this card might reflect her relationship with the land around her, and what she thought the message might be. She mentioned how she very much wants to have her own plot in the garden at her mother's house, but Emily and Jeremy told her no, because if she's gone on vacation then there will be no one to take care of it and the plants would die. Savanah explained to me that this was not a satisfying reason, since she's never gone for more than a week at a time, and most of the work necessary for the garden wouldn't be more often than once a week after the initial planting period. She also said she could ask (or "hire") her brother to take care of her plot while she was away in the summer. When I asked her if she'd brought up these issues with her mom as a way of trying to reach a compromise through sharing her reasons and suggestions, Savanah said that it didn't matter because the truth was that Emily and Jeremy just don't want her to do it, so they would keep inventing reasons and, once exhausted, simply end with, "Because I said so." This seemed like an amazingly accurate insight to Jeff and me, as we'd just been talking about that exact issue with Emily the night before. So again, I'm not sure what message is meant for Savanah, but part of what arose from the conversation is the very obvious conflict between her desire for more independence, and her mom and step-dad's refusal to compromise or allow her that opportunity.

For the second question, "What message does my physical body have for me?" Savanah drew the Eight of Swords. By this time, Jeff had left to go start lunch (this was quite a long session), so Savanah and I talked about what the card might mean. In the book that accompanied her deck, this card was described as a situation in which she might feel restricted or helpless, but help and hope were closer than she may realize, if she could take a deep breath, relax and look at the broader situation. For a while we talked about what this might mean as a message from her body - perhaps he body was asking her to calm down a bit and relax more, allow herself to get adequate sleep and rest. For a while she seemed unsure and didn't think the card meant anything. Then she said something occurred to her that it might mean, but she didn't want to share it with me.

For the third question, "What message does my living space have for me?" she chose to focus on her mother's house and in particular her room (which she shares with her brother). The card she drew for this was the Ten of Pentacles, which is a very good card indicating hard work and cooperation resulting in a good harvest and a happy home. I asked her if she thought this was a relevant card for her room at her mom's. Although she seemed somewhat receptive, she did bring up the fact that she very much wants her own room because it's often impossible to get any alone time in the house and she's not allowed to lock the door. She said she wished either she or Josh could move into the guest room that nobody uses, so that she could have some space that was just her own. I'm honestly not sure if this is an option her mom is willing to entertain, considering apparently she's planning on having more kids as soon as possible.

By this time, we'd pretty much wrapped up the session, with no assignments over the course of this coming week. Next weekend we begin her lessons in Gwyar of Earth. Jeff and I are planning to begin each lesson with some time in silent "meditation," gazing at the candle flame and breathing gently for a little while. We're slowly transitioning - from simply lighting the candle at the beginning of each lesson, to this, to actual meditation that we'll be teaching her the basics of next month, during Nwyfre of Earth. Hopefully next week she'll also remember to bring her drawings for the elements, and perhaps complete the last drawing for calas.