Spoons

Jeff and I started our Imbolc detox diet yesterday, which is just my luck since I was awake at 3 AM last night and couldn't fall back asleep for several hours. (Got some more Sherlock Holmes reading done, though.) Normally on a day following that, I'd rely heavily on something with caffeine in it... but I guess now I'm going to have to make due with watered-down green tea.

Can I just say... I really dislike when people talk about not having "spoons." The phrase originally came from an essay in which a woman was explaining to her friend (while they were having lunch together in a diner) what it was like to have Lupus, and she used the limited number of spoons on the table as a metaphor for how she had to manage her very limited energy resources just to get through a normal day. In the context of that story, it was a really good illustration of how hard it is to live with a largely "invisible" disease.

But most of the time when I see people using it, they just mean they're tired. Having to manage your time and energy is just something you have to do, no matter who you are. We all have to choose our priorities, and we all have to decide where our boundaries are and how long we're going to stay in a difficult, challenging or confrontational situation before we need to step back and regroup in our own space. This might be especially true for introverts, and I think it's really true for the time we spend online, since we can feel like we're alone even when we're interacting with people. So yeah, you can get tired, or realize you have other shit you need to do. You can even get blindsided by an emotionally-charged conversation in which you end up getting attacked for events that happened (and even some things that didn't happen) nearly two years ago and which, as far as you remember, were resolved pretty amicably at the time but now you find out someone has been nursing anger about it for years. But guess what? You still don't have Lupus.

I don't like how eager some people are to identify themselves as victims. This is one reason why I was never comfortable with calling myself a "witch," because I don't resonate with the archetype of the persecuted, misunderstood harlot-or-hag living on the edge of the village. I can show solidarity with people who are marginalized and work for social justice and inclusivity and equality... but I don't need to place myself in the position of being a victim. I feel like it's dishonest to identify as someone who is persecuted when I'm actually very privileged in many ways (and I felt that way back when I was working the night shift as a waitress in a shitty diner and living below the poverty line.... so yeah, if I'd ever had legitimate cause to identify with the marginalized it would have been then). And I don't feel comfortable using language that suggests my introvertedness or my need to manage my time and energy effectively is the same thing as having a debilitating disease. It'd be like me getting a bad head cold and saying, "Gosh, I feel like I have AIDS." Nope.

But I could even understand if it's just become easy shorthand for talking about time and energy management. What really bothers me is when it becomes an excuse to avoid dealing with the consequences of your actions. The original story is all about the careful planning that is demanded by having something like Lupus, how you can't take anything for granted but have to constantly think ahead about how you choices right now are going to affect your energy levels later on, and you have to make trade-offs that are worth making instead of squandering your energy and time on things that aren't really important.

But what I see happening sometimes instead is that someone will provoke a confrontation, and then use a "lack of spoons" as an excuse to disengage, to shut down conversation if anyone disagrees with them or challenges them. They'll flounce in, drop a drama-bomb and then play the victim if anybody dares to question that kind of behavior. They'll refuse to engage with anyone asking for something more substantial than their angrily defiant declaration that "I HAVE FEELS and it's your fault!"

You're out of spoons? Really? You certainly seemed to have plenty when you wrote that diatribe riddled with accusations and personal attacks.

Maybe you would have more spoons if you stopped chucking them at people like ninja throwing stars.

DOTR Lesson 3: Awen and Creative Work

The Killing Blow

Call me the name of peace
as though it were a curse,
and I will bless you, saying,
Yes, and I will lift up
the white flower of cowardice
and trembling, I will lift up that blossom
the color of snow and ocean foam
and moonlight, cloud and empty wind
and bone. I will lift it up with these hands
worn and worried with bickering,
limp with the luxury of blood,
the hands I inherited from my ancestors
whose bones, too, are white beneath the mud.
The goddess of war climbs the mountain's peak,
the hard, pale sunlight like the whites of her eyes.
Wonder, too, is a kind of power.
What curse she lays on the wearied earth, saying,
Yes, and Peace, and other fearful things.
The hills grow soft, will not be rushed
as last year's dead lift up
the small, white blossoms of the spring.

Divination on Family Conflict

Brigid, I seek your guidance on this matter of great importance to Jeff and myself and the children we love so deeply.

I center myself in my love and my attending.
I ground myself in your guiding light.
I center myself in my strength and freedom.
I ground myself in your support and protection.
I center myself in my confidence and intelligence.
I ground myself in your deep wisdom and insight.

I drink of your waters,
I follow your star,
I nurture your flame
of peace in my heart.

What are the consequences of the three choices before us?

(a) To send the letter I have composed. (c) To send a simplified version of the letter. (b) To send no reply.

(a) The Hanged Man (XII): A card of willing self-sacrifice and surrender, as well as a card of emotional release. The Hanged Man relinquishes his control in order to gain wisdom and insight into the nature of being. He surrenders to the greater patterns that govern the world and accepts what is beyond his control, yet his surrender itself is an act of discipline and choice, arising from the only thing over which he does have control: his own actions and choices. This act of self-surrender brings about a shift in perspective, flipping the world on its head and revealing mysteries that once were hidden or incomprehensible.

(b) Two of Wands: A card of tension held poised on the brink of action, a card in which personal power and authority may lead to isolation, and concrete action may not lead to the happiness or success that is desired. This card seems to be one of constant vigilance and watchfulness, caught between the possibilities of success and failure and ever on the edge of action. This card may indicate a time to be bold, courageous and inventive, but also warns against allowing this power and influence to cloud right judgement.

(c) Death: A card of transformation, the rebirth inspired and ignited by the death of the old. It is a card of change, the death of the old to make way for the new being born - and such change may be frightening, or it may be a moment of joy. More likely, it will involve a dance of grief and sorrow with elation and praise. This card encourages us to give up those old patterns, behaviors and relationships that impede, hinder or restrict us, as well as to take off the masks that we usually hide behind in order to protect ourselves. When faced with the real presence of death, we are naked and vulnerable before the darkness and uncertainty of the future. Yet facing this uncertainty as an opportunity for growth and renewal, rather than clinging to a past that has become too small for us, is our best way through the difficulties and fears of this moment.

(d) What alternative option have we not yet considered?

(d) King of Pentacles: The King of Pentacles understands, deep in his very bones, the relationship between stability, prosperity and generosity. He is a figure of growth and physical well-being, balancing the yang aspects of power and action with the yin aspects of fecundity and self-giving. He holds within himself both the fruit and the seed, and nurtures these with practicality and rootedness in reality, while also retaining his kindness and humanity and his concern for others. He enjoys all that life and the earth have to offer, and seeks to share these joys with those around him. He is both reliable and wise, with many talents and aspirations, earning him good fortune and expressing themselves in the gifts he has to share.