Dreams of the Angel at the Gate

He's been seeping into my dreams again over the last couple weeks or so, appearing occasionally in the background, not directly involved in the action. Last night, however, the dream was vivid and our interactions were direct.

The most vivid part of my memory of the dream begins when I am flipping through photographs of landscapes on my iPad — gorgeous pictures that I've taken (in dream, not in real life) of mountains, rolling hills, misty forests, etc. — and, when I come across one I want to share with everyone else, I "flick it" up from the iPad onto a large projector screen (using some sort of bluetooth connection and an app that recognizes the gesture — someone should actually invent this because it was awesome)... At which point, the photo would appear not simply as large as life, but also in 3-D, as if the projector screen were actually a window we were looking through to see into the landscape beyond. I don't remember if the photos were actually video clips that moved — since they were mostly landscapes, there wouldn't have been much movement, but a sense of the swaying of trees or the gentle movement of mist or flowing water or birds taking flight now and then, maybe...

He was standing right beside me. As usual, there was an intense longing to be near him, to have his attention on me, and yet also a sense that this was taboo or forbidden in some way.

Back when I was Christian, I thought of him as the "angel at the gate" — the one who stands with a fiery sword guarding the gates of Eden. (Although technically I think Genesis says God stationed several angels, specifically cherubim, to guard the gate, I've always thought of this angel as Archangel Michael, probably because he, too, is depicted as having a fiery sword.) Years ago when I was little, he was the one who appeared to me in the forest and then dissolved into sunlight — though the feeling then was all affection, as if for an older brother, rather than this kind of attraction/eros. Still, even the eros in recent years has been of an almost innocent, adolescent kind — more ecstatic longing than sexual desire, if that makes any sense. Being near him feels thrilling, almost electric, but it's all in the heart and soul, rather than the body (or rather, it's throughout the body, a bone-deep magnetism rather than a sexual pull). I don't know who this figure is — I find it problematic to continue to think of him as an angel in the Judeo-Christian context — but I wonder if he is some kind of expression of my animus. Sometimes he takes on the appearance in dream of people I know in real life, though I can always recognize it's him, but that often only serves to exacerbate the feelings of taboo or discomfort (for instance, he once appeared in a dream as a college professor I had, which left me feeling deeply embarrassed because I felt completely impersonal and professional towards the actual professor himself, who was anyway kind of old and goofy).

In any case, in this dream, I was showing pictures to a group of people, the usual half-anonymous Crowd of Family and Friends. We were all standing and milling about outside in a park-like area, with the projection screen off to one side, and he was standing quite close to me so that I could feel the warmth of his presence alongside me. Then, the landscape photograph I was displaying seemed to somehow come alive and expand, until we were standing within the landscape looking out across a vast mountain range with beautiful shadowy valleys — mist snagged on the mountain peaks high above and pooled in the low valleys below us. It began to snow, and everyone was so excited at the beauty of it. It was as if we were all kids again, thrilled at the first snowfall. This snow was not exactly ordinary snow, for it didn't feel all that cold and it drifted down in huge, lazy flakes that seemed more like autumn leaves, except that they were white and crystalline in delicate designs, and they melted when they touched bare skin. People began laughing and playing, trying to catch the slowly drifting snowflakes on their tongues or with outstretched hands, some people leaning down to scoop up handfuls from the ground to throw like snowballs, though the snowballs were always soft and feathery, not cold and compact in a way that might hurt if you got hit. There was a lot of happy bumping around and into each other as everybody played in the snow, which jostled me into him a couple times so that I got that warm electric thrill passing through me, but the sense of taboo always made me withdraw and try to play it casually. (I'm not sure if I'm exactly describing this well — it always seems to me that he shares my understanding, both the attraction and the awareness of the taboo, though it doesn't bother him as much, as if neither weighs as heavily on him as they do on me in these dreams. Yet it seems as if the taboo is because of him, some other obligation or duty that holds him back, and not so much because of me or who I am.) In any case, in this dream I thought somehow the snow was his doing, and I joked with him about it or hinted at it, as if the others didn't know who exactly he really was, but he shook his head and said it had been my doing, somehow. While everyone was distracted playing and no one was looking, he briefly placed his hands on either side of my face, drew me close to him and kissed me on the forehead. It was at that point that I woke up.

I can't help but think that this has something to do with my work with the tarot cards. Last night I began work with the Magician/Magus, reading through some of the various books I'm working with and examining the various Magician cards from all my different decks. I wonder if I'm connecting the Magician with the Animus/Angel at the Gate somehow, who has always been a figure of energy, light and warmth, somewhat fiery but also ecstatic and creative in his energies.

I just hopped over to Wikipedia to see if I could find anything on the animus, since I really know next to nothing about it other than that it's supposedly the female's parallel to the male's anima, the archetype manifesting from the collective unconscious the totality of the feminine (or, for the animus, the masculine). I seemed to remember reading that Jung really didn't examine the animus at all, being much more interested in the anima in the male psyche. This is what Wikipedia has to say:

Jung focused more on the male's anima and wrote less about the female's animus. Jung believed that every woman has an analogous animus within her psyche, this being a set of unconscious masculine attributes and potentials. He viewed the animus as being more complex than the anima, postulating that women have a host of animus images while the male anima consists only of one dominant image.

Jung stated that there are four parallel levels of animus development in a female.

The animus "first appears as a personification of mere physical power - for instance as an athletic champion or muscle man, such as 'the fictional jungle hero Tarzan'".

In the next phase, the animus "possesses initiative and the capacity for planned action...the romantic man - the 19th century British poet Shelley; or the man of action - America's Ernest Hemingway, war hero, hunter, etc."

In the third phase "the animus becomes the word, often appearing as a professor or clergyman...the bearer of the word - Lloyd George, the great political orator".

"Finally, in his fourth manifestation, the animus is the incarnation of meaning. On this highest level he becomes (like the anima) a mediator of...spiritual profundity". Jung noted that "in mythology, this aspect of the animus appears as Hermes, messenger of the gods; in dreams he is a helpful guide." Like Sophia this is the highest level of mediation between the unconscious and conscious mind. [emphasis added]

::foreheadsmack:: This seems like a pretty obvious connection between the Magician (symbolized especially in the Thoth tarot but in other decks as well as the figure Hermes, messenger of the gods, with snakes twining around his helmet and wings on his feet)... and the figure who appears to me in dreams.

Tarot In-Depth: Fool Tarot Reading

From Pollack's Tarot Wisdom, the card positions in the spread:

1. How have I been a Fool in my life?
2. How has it helped me?
3. How has it hurt me?
4. Where in my life for I need to be more Foolish?
5. Where will the Fool not serve me?
6. Where do I find the Fool outside myself?
7. What gifts does it bring me?

There were no notes on the layout of the spread, so I determined a spread that made the most sense to me. Reading from left to right, rather than vertical, since I find those easier to work with on a practical level — I separated the Fool card out of the deck and set it to the side first, then laid out the cards in order, with (1) being the closest to the Fool card, then (2) and (4) being paired as positive aspects (above) and (3) and (5) being paired as negative or harmful aspects (below), coming back together again for (6) and (7).

I tried to read this layout somewhat intuitively, without reference to any books, in part to help me get better at doing in-the-moment readings, and in part because I want the Fool energy to be pervasive throughout and I didn't necessarily want to get bogged down with complex interpretations of the other cards.

My interpretation...

Where have I been a Fool in my life? Art/Temperance (XIV) — Seeking that point of balance, the blending or reconciliation of opposites, sometimes leading to paradox or contradiction — on the one hand, recognizing these paradoxes as internal aspects of myself, while on the other hand, working to manifest them in the world through mixing and mingling, working with the forces in tension in the world around me. This reflects the aspect of the Fool that is both active and passive, at the zero-point in the center of all things and also the active movement that moves on a journey through life. This card might also be suggesting that I see the Fool primarily through the lens of Temperance, this balancing of opposites.

How has it helped me? Eight of Cups — A certain amount of restlessness, leaving behind the carefully constructed and contained life to seek elsewhere, to return to the "source" so to speak. The activity and enthusiasm of the Fool has helped me to avoid stagnation, continuing to provoke my curiosity. There might be a certain sense of "divine dissatisfaction" here, with the Fool always ready to go off with only a small pack, leaving behind his old life to seek out a new one.

How has it hurt me? Eight of Pentacles — At the same time, this restless energy and tendency to always be seeking a new life might prevent me from settling down comfortably to do the steady, necessary work or to cultivate and enjoy the fruits of my labor. The Fool isn't exactly the type to "settle down and get a job."

The two eights that are paired here suggest a tension bound up in stability or stagnation — the tension of two that naturally gives rise to movement pulling against the stability of four that tends to ground things, pin them down. The Fool has helped me, on an emotional level, by nurturing my curiosity and keeping me engaged — and also perhaps letting me let go of old emotions or psychological states that no longer serve me (maybe in this way it might be "foolish" to forgive old hurts, for instance). On a material or physical level, though, the Fool's tendency to always look for something new might undermine my desire to establish myself, find some stability and bring my work to full fruition in the physical world.

Where in my life do I need to be more Foolish? The Magician (I) — My first instinct in interpreting this card is that it is "foolish" to believe in magic, let alone try to be a magician. This might be suggesting, then, that I could stand to be a little bit more trusting, innocent, enthusiastic and active in my approach to magical work (or any creative work of manifestation) — and that being more open will help me connect with and understand the elements of the world on a deeper level.

Where will the Fool not serve me? The High Priestess (II) — Inner wisdom and mystery, the initiation that comes from parting the veil between the worlds. I find this card difficult to interpret in this position. Perhaps to a certain extent this card suggests that the Fool's more negative or harmful tendency to undermine order and structure, and to turn everything to ash with irony and ridicule, might not serve me well in developing my inner wisdom and intuition. Maybe a tendency towards cynicism and mockery, brought to bear on the inner life, can jeopardize the process that leads to this internal initiation into the mysteries. (Or perhaps this card just indicates that the Fool is not much concerned with what the high priestess represents. The Fool does not "serve" the high priestess, and does not have anything much to do with her work, either through provoking curiosity or exposing chaos...?)

Where do I find the Fool outside myself? Wheel of Fortune (X) — The ever-turning wheel of chance and its unpredictability. Our inability to control "fate," or coincidence, and how it can sometimes seem arbitrary and ridiculous and chaotic. I find the Fool outside myself in the endless turning cycles that seem to lift up some and topple others, ensuring that nothing remains stagnant, everything is interconnected and cycles back in an on-going process. The chaos and unpredictability of the Fool is represented here, but also the energy and curiosity involved with discovering what is new and different about life. I also think it's interesting to have the wheel here by a gear, rather than a wheel of transportation (like a wagon wheel), since this echoes my thoughts on the Fool not only as the empty space in the center around which the wheel turns, but also the empty spaces between the gears that are always moving and turning, as these spaces allow the gears to turn and interlock with each other, they make the whole process possible.

What gifts does it bring me? Six of Swords — Curiosity and exploration, especially as related to the rational, inquisitive mind. The gift of the Fool (especially as it manifests outside myself, I think) is the impetus to always be exploring and discovering new things about the world as circumstances continually change and new possibilities are always arising. There's a sense of completion, on the one hand, but not necessarily of culmination that brings things to a close — instead, there's a glimpse of wholeness that is still part of an on-going process as the cycle continues. It's like a foot that touches the ground in the middle of a run, rather than two feet planted firmly as the person stands still: the next foot is already in the air again, moving forward to the next thing.

Other patterns: It's interesting that so many Major Arcana cards appear, especially in prominent positions. In cards (1), (6) and (7) there is the repeated imagery of the wheel or circle in one way or the other — the Wheel of Fortune being the most obvious, but also the spiraling yin-yang symbol of Temperance and the sword-spoked wheel in the Six of Swords. Interestingly, the symbol of the circle or wheel also appears in a more subtle way in cards (2) and (4), as the full moon above the ocean in the Eight of Cups, and the ouroboros encircling the occult designs and sigils etched into the starry night sky above the Magician. On the other hand, in the High Priestess, the moon is a crescent, an incomplete circle (I think a waxing crescent, just after sunset), which might give a hint as to why the Fool "will not serve" in this particular aspect — if the Fool is a figure of innocence that takes the world at face value, this might suggest that this energy will not serve in exploring what is hidden or shrouded in shadow, only partly illuminated or manifested. Maybe this is the aspect of the Fool's card, stepping off the cliff without taking into account what is unseen (the future, the potential danger).

Tarot In-Depth

The intention here is to spend some time thinking more carefully about each of the cards, particularly those of the Major Arcana, and comparing the symbolism of the various decks in order to deepen my understanding of the tarot. I have no idea why, but this has become almost an obsession with me over the past week and a half, a persistent nagging desire to "dig in" and spend hours pouring over the cards and the various books on them. Part of it has to be the fact that I'm unfamiliar with the Thoth tarot deck and how its symbolism differs from the Rider-Waite-Smith deck, and after reading the first part of Lon Duquette's text on all of the various occult and kabbalistic concepts that went into its design by Crowley and Harris (though I know a great deal also went into the Rider-Waite-Smith, and they were both based on the Golden Dawn approach to tarot in any case), I feel like I need to spend some time working through some of these ideas.

I have a number of books that I'm going to try to read concurrently, card by card, though some of them I've read before and this will be review. I'm hoping that doing this will put ideas from different approaches and systems into juxtaposition. The books are:

• Rachel Pollack's Tarot Wisdom: Spiritual Teachings and Deeper Meanings
• Karen Hamaker-Zondag's Tarot as a Way of Life: A Jungian Approach to the Tarot
• Robert Place's The Tarot: History, Symbolism and Divination
• Lon Duquette's Understanding Aleister Crowley's Thoth Tarot
• Aleister Crowley's Book of Thoth
• Meditations on the Tarot: A Journey into Christian Hermeticism

I may also be referencing Dion Fortune's The Mystical Qabala and my various astrology books when correspondences are mentioned.

One thing I anticipate is that this work will slowly drive me mad.

I find that I am really struggling with the hierarchical worldview that seems to be taken for granted in almost all of the various approaches to the tarot, but in particular those that are influenced by the Golden Dawn and the Qabala/Kabbala (however you want to spell it). I'm running up against a basic source of cognitive dissonance: On the one hand, the symbolism of the tarot seems to work for me very, very well and I find that using tarot for divination is a very meaningful and accurate way for me to do inner/spiritual work (certainly far beyond, for instance, using the ogham or other abstract runic systems of divination). On the other hand, the symbolism as it's explained and explored in most of these books seems to contradict what I believe at a conscious/intellectual level about how the spiritual and material world exist and relate to each other (insofar as they can even be considered "separate" things). I feel like it's absolutely necessary for me to bring this cognitive dissonance more into the light and try to reconcile the symbolism and divinatory meaning of the tarot with a worldview more consistent with my understanding of ecology and what I've taken to calling "natural polytheism."

This is the same god damned issue as the basic grappling with mysticism — mysticism as having to do not only with transcendence and unity, but also with immanence and diversity. Can there be a polytheistic mysticism? Are there "Mysteries of the Many," and if so, what do they look like? Or is mysticism, as understood as a spiritual approach or thread running through the various world traditions, always bound to collapse under its own weight into the nondualistic All/One/Void?

New Tarot Decks: Sun and Moon, and Lo Scarabeo

Thanks to the crazy generosity of Jeff's mother, who got us Amazon gift cards for solstice, and inspired by Jeff's surprise gift, Barbara Moore's book, Tarot Spreads... I ordered two new decks, officially expanding my collection to include six tarot decks, three oracle decks (not counting the Druid Animal and Plants Oracle decks, one of which is technically mine, but I forget which one and I never use them anyway), and two "digital decks" on my iPad, both of which are also tarot decks.

I didn't realize I had so many! The one I use the most by far is Stephanie Pui-Mun Law's Shadowscape Tarot, but it was really helpful to use the Steampunk Tarot deck for my steampunk novel. That deck had originally been Jeff's, but it kind of adopted me, so I've liberated it from its cardboard box and given it its own beautiful bag. It struck me how useful it was to have multiple decks for different purposes, as the steampunk deck definitely has a different energy from the Shadowscape deck. I still use the Mystic Faerie Tarot for teaching, since its minor arcana cards are so useful in creating storylines in each suit (not that I'm doing as much teaching now that the kids aren't with us on weekends), and it's imagery is pretty appealing to the girls.

But all of the decks I owned up until today were based on the original Rider-Waite deck, my first deck, and I'd never really worked with either the Marseille deck or the Crowley/Thoth deck. Frankly, I was a bit intimidated by the Crowley/Thoth deck, in part because the only folks I'd ever known who were into Crowley were assholes (not like I knew all that many), and partly because I knew that he designed his deck to reflect his personal approach to occultism, which I'm just not that familiar with.

But I've been really enjoying tarot and wanting to push myself with it, so I decided to ease into it by getting the Lo Scarabeo Tarot (I'm not sure if this has another name, but it's their N-th Anniversary edition, sold as a "deluxe" edition with its own bag with a scarab beetle embroidered on it). This deck combines symbolism from all three of the traditional decks, Rider-Waite, Marseille and Thoth. I'm not sure if there's any rhyme or reason to how they managed to combined the symbolism, but I figured it might provide a good bridge between the traditions. Plus, it's not exactly a "pretty" deck, and sometimes I need a deck that's more neutral and more overtly symbolic (in an almost comic-book style) than the Shadowscape deck. So I'm pretty pleased with that deck, and it might become my new teaching deck, or I might even use it as a "public" deck if I ever get around to giving readings to other people.

The other deck I got, called the Sun and Moon Tarot, popped up randomly while I was searching for the Lo Scarabeo deck. It's also published by Lo Scarabeo, but the artwork is by Vanessa Decort. I think I read somewhere that she is also an illustrator for children's books, and you can definitely see that influence in her work. This deck is amazing! I find myself loving every single image. The deck has a very simple, almost folk-art kind of style (you can even see the texture of the canvas she was painting on, and among other stylistic choices, none of the figures have faces). This style really works for me, and I really connect with the deck. It's beautiful, but not in the ornate, watercolor way that Shadowscape is. Instead, it has a rich, textured kind of feel, with lots of use of primary colors, though they're somewhat muted. The images are also stylistically simple, which I find refreshing after using the Steampunk deck for a while, with its gritty realism. So I'm super psyched about this deck in particular! It might become my primary deck for a while...

But one thing about it is that it is heavily based on the Thoth tarot rather than the Rider-Waite. Some of the differences I've picked up on right away, but most of them (like including the Hebrew letters in the Major Arcana images, which relate to the Cabala Tree of Life, and associating the minor arcana with astrological correspondences) leave me feeling like I really need to familiarize myself the Thoth tradition created by Crowley.

I've already cleansed and consecrated the Sun and Moon deck this afternoon, and did an introductory "meet the new tarot deck" reading using a spread cobbled together from various suggestions I've seen others share online. Here's a (somewhat sloppy) diagram of the spread below:

And here's a quick shot of the spread itself from this afternoon:

Unfortunately, this deck doesn't come with a full book, only a tiny booklet with about a paragraph or so for each card. (I've gotten spoiled with Barbara Moore writing all these awesome books to go with every deck I happen to buy!) So I'm already feeling out of my depth with the unfamiliar Thoth symbolism, and I didn't get much help there. Just a brief interpretation, then, which I may need to come back to:

1. Art/Temperance (XIV) - The deck's defining characteristic is a balance of opposites: light and dark, stability and fluidity, yin and yang. Not much surprise there, since it is the Sun and Moon Tarot after all.

2. The Universe (XXI) - Not at all shy about letting me know that its strength as a deck is enlightenment itself; not just a Major Arcana card, but the culmination of the Major Arcana, the dancing god Shiva who is creator and destroyer, surrounded by the unlimited energetic fires of the universe, of divine inspiration and insight, and in the corners the symbols of the four elements/directions. Again, this card is about uniting opposites (creation and destruction, life and death, universe and self).

3. The Star (XVII) - An interesting card to draw to represent the deck's weakness. I initially interpret this as suggesting the deck might lean a bit too much towards the lighter, more hopeful and comforting side, eschewing the difficult aspects (since the Star is a card of hope and peace, especially the respite that comes after a darkness or tragedy like the Tower). However, when talking with Jeff about it, he suggested that perhaps the pairing of the Universe and the Star indicates that while this deck might be good for the study of "higher" spiritual work, it might be indicating that it will not be all that helpful at providing direction or guidance in the more mundane sense. This interpretation makes a lot of sense to me (and the very fact that I seem to be having trouble interpreting some of these cards might indicate that this meaning is on the right track).

4. King of Cups - Again, a card about balancing opposites: this time in the figure of the King of Cups, a masculine expression of feminine energy in a way that is natural and healthy. It's interesting that the King of Cups also made an appearance in my New Year's reading when using the Shadowscape deck, as the thing I needed to take forward with me into the new year.

5. Three of Swords (Sorrow) - The deck's minor arcana draw on Crowley's system pretty heavily, and this card seems to suggest to me not the tragic bloody sorrow of swords piercing a heart as depicted in other decks I've worked with, but more the sorrow of ideas or ideals that have started to drift into negativity. The booklet that came with the card notes that this card is associated with Saturn in Libra, which happens to be where my natal Saturn is, so that's interesting. I take this card to mean that this deck will help me deal with negative thinking and cynicism I've been noticing creeping up on me a lot lately.

6. Eight of Pentacles - As for how it will challenge me, it seems that this deck will provide the challenge of self-discipline and learning, working diligently towards a goal with an eye for detail and organization resulting in productivity. I'll be curious to see how this challenge plays out, but I can already guess it will have something to do with going back to my old studies of some of the more occult/ceremonial approaches to magic and divination and digging deeper into that again.

7. Seven of Cups - What a card to draw as the "final outcome"! The booklet notes that this card, titled "Debauch," suggests self-indulgence and addictive behavior along with fantasies and delusions, but also the opportunity to see through illusions about the self, to break through self-deceiving patterns and identify truly worthy goals. I certainly hope it's more of the latter than the former! Since the strength of this deck and its defining characteristic seem to me solidly on the side of balance, wisdom and divine harmony, I think it's a fairly safe bet. (But then, if the deck were leading me into self-delusion and fantasy, isn't that exactly what it would say?! ::insert dramatic orchestral sting::)


And on that note, I'm calling it a night.

New Year's Divination

Using the Halcyon Solstice spread, from Barbara Moore's book on tarot spreads. A quick note on the name and concept behind the spread, which may help to five some insight:

Halcyon: a mythical bird said by ancient writers to breed in a nest floating at sea at the winter solstice, charming the wind and waves into calm. From halcyon (n.), late 14c., from Latin halcyon, from Greek halkyon, variant (perhaps a misspelling) of alkyon "kingfisher," from hals "sea, salt" + kyon "conceiving," prp. of kyein "to conceive," lit. "to swell," from PIE root *keue- "to swell."

The Positions in the Spread:

(1) The fulcrum, the pivotal point, the present moment.

(2) What I need to leave behind.
(3) What I need to learn from.
(4) What I need to take forward.

(5) An opportunity to look for.
(6) A challenge to face.
(7) A message for the year.

The Reading:

(1) Six of Cups - Childhood innocence and playfulness, an openness to the world that is not hedged in by expectations about what is or is not possible or realistic. Welcoming seen and unseen companions, enacting "deep play" rituals that invite the opportunity for communion with Spirit, playing in the realm of the imagination and exploration.

I only discovered the meaning of "halcyon" after drawing all the cards, but I think the Six of Cups captures that sense of the idyllic calm of the ocean, the conception, the new beginning, the nest within which new life begins. An alternate meaning of the word "halcyon" is an idyllic time that was happy and peaceful, and the Six of Cups has also sometimes signified an idealized or romanticized past. In this case, however, I think the reenactment or ritual recreation of the halcyon days in the present moment is a good, healthy and helpful thing, a way of entering a contemplative state open to Spirit and the gods.

(2) Judgement (XX) - Weighing the past and judging previous actions, facing potentially harsh judgement, embracing the process of death, but coming out of it renewed, given a new life, hearing the call to a more fulfilling life connected with Spirit and the Song of the World, a card of transformation but, more so, a sense of destiny or calling.

I was surprised to draw this card in the place of "What I need to leave behind." In relation to the Six of Cups, perhaps it suggests that I need to approach the past with a more open attitude of childlike wonder and appreciation, rather than with the heavy hand of judgement and assessment which lends so much weight to everything. The message here seems to be, in some ways, to "lighten up."

(3) Three of Pentacles - Teamwork and community support which help to make great work possible. Working with others, combining your will and vision, you can accomplish many things, bringing works of strength and beauty and permanence into being. Also, allowing others to shine while you play a supporting role, and allowing others to support you when it's your turn to work or act creatively.

This card makes me think immediately of my working relationship with Jeff on the podcast, and the work that he and I have done together to create something we are both very proud of. The larger lesson that I need to learn might be that I can release my need to stand independently and accept a more supporting role in our marriage (financially speaking), or on the other hand, to accept and appreciate the supporting role that Jeff plays in being the primary breadwinner and set aside my ego-need to earn more money as a validation of my work. Again, as this relates to the Six of Cups, maybe there is some indication that "community" is more than just the other people in my life, and another lesson I need to learn is to recognize and accept the support and aid from the gods and from Spirit, rather than feeling like I need to go at it alone.

(4) King of Cups - A protector and nourisher, though his masculine energy expresses his emotional side in a more subtle and structured way. The seahorse, as the protector and main caregiver for its young, is both sinuous and fluid, and also spiny and tough, blending both the more watery/emotional aspects with the stability of structure and resistance.

This card has always strongly reminded me of Jeff and his personality, as a man who is very strong and hard-working, very family-oriented and loving towards his children, and also very empathetic and emotionally sensitive to those around him (sometimes almost too much). Of course, I will carry my relationship with him forward into the new year. On another level, this may represent some advice about how I can internalize and embody this archetype more myself, especially in relation to the Six of Cups — perhaps that structure and outer strength is necessary in order to protect the childlike innocence of imaginative engagement with Spirit in the present moment.

(2 - 4) Three Card Spread - All three of these cards have figures facing to the left, which suggests to a certain extent that the energies are flowing backwards into the past, but perhaps also into the areas of memory and the depths of history that go to shape the present and the future. The Angel of Judgement in Card 2 faces to the left, while the "souls" of the dead that rise up out of the poppies face to the right, looking up towards the Angel. In the King of Cups, this energy is somewhat reverse, with the King of Cups (arguably the more powerful and dominating figure in the card) still facing to the left, but looking upward at the seahorse, which faces to the right. To me, this suggests that the energy carried into the future is not necessarily the energy of overtly powerful or dominating figures, but of a smaller and more humble nature. In the Three of Pentacles, both figures are primarily facing away with their backs to the viewer, with the upper figure turning her face as if to look over her left shoulder, keeping with the main flow of the energy but not as directly as in the other two cards. The energy in the center card also seems to be a bit more vertical, with the carvings in the stones overlapping in circles that rise up the wall. To a certain extent, this seems to play Card 3 as the "fulcrum" within the context of these three cards, a center around which the other two are organized.

(5) Two of Cups - A partnership or relationship born of mutual love and attraction, the blending and intertwining of the different elements, of masculine and feminine. There is both union and a tension between opposites, but the tension is like the taut string that vibrates to create a clear-toned music. Love crowns the couple as their roots reach deep into the earth to seek stability.

My first response is to interpret this card as a promise of opportunity for deepening my relationship with Jeff, but this could very well be some other kind of merging or blending of opposites in a harmonious and balanced way within my life. Since my relationship with Jeff is happy and stable, it seems to me a bit unlikely that this is some new opportunity being presented on that front, and the low number of the card does seem to suggest that this will be a new or just beginning relationship. In general, I interpret it as advice to keep my eyes open for opportunities to balance and blend opposites in all aspects of my life, not just in personal relationships. Relating it back to the Six of Cups, this might mean balancing the past and the present without romanticizing either, or intertwining the mundane/realistic and the sacred/imaginative.

(6) Four of Cups - Self-absorption, losing yourself in reveries and daydreams, spending too much time looking inward and losing sight of the larger world around you. But also, to a certain extent (in this particular card/deck anyway), breaking away from the usual approach, separating oneself from the crowd in order to get a clearer view of what's going on, and the suggestion that this isolation can be taken too far and become a hindrance.

This future challenge to face is not all that unfamiliar to me, and this card has come up in a similar position on several other occasions. I take this card to be a gentle warning not to spend too much time in self-analysis, and in particular I think it applies to my time online and my relationship with others via the internet. (The Four of Cups might just be the perfect card to represent the internet — the stability and structure of the four brought to bear on the emotions — the internet, in many ways, is driven by instincts and emotions much more than the intellect or the physical body, and it provides a way to structure and share those emotions so that they have at least the appearance of permanence and the weight of some authority behind them. Yet it is also a place of self-absorption and illusions, where much of your interactions are your own reflections or projections overlaid onto the words or images of others.) In relation to the Six of Cups, I think it's interesting that in both cases you have the imaginative play of the emotions within vessels, but in the Si of Cups there is more fluidity and connection, as well as creative tension (3 X 2) than in the Four of Cups, which is much more stagnant, with energies working at cross-purposes to a certain extent (2 X 2).

(7) Knight of Pentacle - Energetic determination and unwavering loyalty and dedication to a particular goal, a certain single-mindedness that cannot be distracted by temptations along the way. The Knight is methodical and hard working, akin to the tortoise rather than the hare, but he rides the slow, persistent energies of the earth towards his goal, and he has the power and force of those laws of nature behind his actions.

This message to carry with me into the new year harkens back to the lesson to be learned from the previous year, both of them being from the suit of Pentacles (in contrast with the strong emphasis on Cups in the rest of the spread). It emphasizes hard work and dedication, persistence but also, perhaps most importantly, patience. As it relates to the Six of Cups, I see this as a much more practical frame of mind, grounded in the earth and in the mundane, which might help to balance out the tendency of the Six of Cups towards romanticization and naivety (and perhaps the Knight will also help me to avoid or overcome the challenge presented in the Four of Cups).

(5 - 7) Three Card Spread - In the three cards pertaining to the future year to come, the energies are much more meandering. The Four of Cups and the Knight of Pentacles face in opposite directions (the Four of Cups towards the left, the past, the realm of memory and emotional depths; the Knight towards the right, the future, the realm of action and manifestation). The Two of Cups, naturally, involves two figures who face towards each other, depicting energies that, while they face in opposite directions, work with each other instead of against each other. Within the layout, the Four of Cups, Card 6, being the center card of the three suggests that it acts as a block or obstacle to the energies expressing themselves in Card 5, the Two of Cups, with the Knight of Pentacles being the way to overcome and break through that block to release or realize the energies of Card 5. I notice the recurring motif of the carved mandala — in both Cards 5 and 6, it appears as a yin-yang symbol composed of two fish, but while in Card 5 it is the foundation upon which the union grows, in Card 6 it is in the background, ignored by the primary figure of the card. In Card 7, the mandala of the fish has been replaced by the pentacle itself, composed of an acorn at its center with five oak leaves swirling out to create the star. This ties back to the mandala as a foundation for growth (the acorn as the seed of the great oak tree), but also suggests that there may be many different ways that this seed expresses itself (the five oak leaves, rather than only the two fish).

The Spread as a Whole - Several things jump out at me about this spread. Firstly, the predominance of "feminine" energies, expressed in the water and earth elements, and almost a complete absence of "masculine" energies of fire and air. I'm not sure exactly what conclusion to draw from that, other than that I may need to focus on and work with these feminine aspects of myself and my life more, especially if I've been neglecting them somewhat. However, even with all of this feminine energy, the two court cards that appear in the spread both depict masculine figures (the King and the Knight), perhaps suggesting that I need to find a way to bring these more feminine internal qualities to bear on my more active, expressive "masculine" aspects as well, or explore the ways in which these can be combined and expressed in healthy ways. The other interesting thing to note is that there appears only one Major Arcana card in the spread, and it's in the position of something I need to "leave behind." This might suggest that the coming year will be a fairly quiet, simple and straightforward one, with few grand designs or great changes in store. Instead, it seems like this spread suggests a year of steady, dedicated work, especially with an emphasis on community and supportive relationships that will help to keep me grounded and draw me out of myself when I risk becoming too self-absorbed. At the center of this reading is the emphasis, in the Six of Cups, on recapturing or returning to a more innocent sense of wonder and imagination in which there is plenty of time for playful exploration (and this, too, might partly explain the absence of the intellectual suit of swords and the intensely active suit of wands).

Happy Ali Is Happy

I have nothing of deep spiritual insight to add at the moment, but I did want to follow up with a post noting that, for the most part, I am exceedingly happy with my life right now. Like, not just "I realize intellectually that I should be happy because things are going well, but mostly I feel tired" kind of happy. Actually happy, the solid kind of happiness that can become a foundation, the kind of happiness that you can build on.

Partly I think this is due to my writing. NaNoWriMo has given me a legitimate excuse to spends hours every day writing creatively, something I haven't done in a very long time. I find that the energy it gives me spills over into my other work — on the podcast, on the blog — and so that work is also becoming easier, getting more "flow" to it.

Another part of this is that, because I start every writing session with a tarot reading and ten minute meditation, I have somehow tricked myself into re-establishing a daily practice. Because the meditation is not all that long, I have far fewer excuses for not doing it; and because it's main purpose is to quiet my mind in order to help me transition into "creative writing mode," I don't concern myself with making progress or accomplishing anything by it as a result. This is, of course, the best way to approach a daily meditative practice — at least, so I've heard over and over — releasing attachments to outcome and providing yourself with a pause in which to embrace silence as a path to the divine. But I am such a perfectionistic workaholic that I have always bent my whole intensely-wound will on being really awesome at non-attachment... which, obviously, somewhat defeats the purpose. (Gods, please do not let me jinx this practice by writing about it here and making myself aware of the trick I've played on my perfectionism!)

Likewise, the tarot reading is not a reading for myself, but for the next scene that I'm working on in the book. So I avoid the kind of spiraling navel-gazing self-obsession that my attempts at daily tarot reading has led me to in the past. In other words, I'm practicing non-attachment with my divination as well, and the only records of my readings are (instead of an obsessively kept journal) the creative writing that results, which is shaped not just by the divination but by the plot outline I'm working from and the characters who want to have their own say. (There is one character in particular who dominates every scene she's in and just will not shut up and let others talk... I will have to find something to do with her. Jeff suggests giving her a yappy dog to keep her busy and distracted.)

I am so deeply proud of the work we're doing with the podcast, engaging in topics that really interest me and giving me lots of opportunities to explore new ideas. I feel somewhat liberated from the pressures that blogging had brought with it, which means that when I do blog (on my own personal website), I enjoy it more.

Also, it's beautiful here. The weather is finally getting chilly, but it continues to be sunny on and off most days, and the same flock of pigeons hangs out on the roof of the condo across the street, and the same crow surfs the power line above the smoke tree, and I am finally (weirdly enough) feeling at home here. I am not sure when this started to happen, but I noticed it when the kids came to visit us in October — I finally feel grounded and centered in this place, I finally feel like I'm starting to understand the patterns and moods of the landscape here. I still spend far too much time inside during the week, between the writing and the podcast research and editing, but weekends are wonderful chances to go out exploring, and Jeff and I are still volunteering as naturalists, which is another of the reasons I feel grounded and connected and happy.

I feel too often this blog becomes a place for me to rant about the things that bother me when they're bothering me, and it can seem like they dominate my days when really they are passing concerns. I feel deeply happy and fulfilled in my life right now. Oddly enough, I am exactly where I wanted and hoped to be by this time in my life (child-free by choice, with an awesome man who loves me and just got an adorable new haircut, living in a beautiful city that doesn't dry my skin till it bleeds in the winter, doing creative work that I love and find meaningful...). I am so full of gratitude and amazement that this is my life. Sometimes I wonder if my minor freak-outs are largely due to the fact that, damn it, I want everyone to have such an awesome and fulfilling life and so many times it seems like instead people are engaged in senseless self-sabotage. Non-attachment, Alison, non-attachment. Lift them up into the light and let them work their own way out, since that is really the only way it works anyway.

My remaining goal is to finish this book manuscript by the winter solstice. Perhaps an arbitrary date, but it's a pretty big astronomical alignment that kind of nicely wraps up my Saturn Return years. It would be nice to go in to the dawning of a new year and its lengthening days knowing that a major life goal of mine (to write a novel) has been crossed off the list.

I guess that means I better get started, then...

**

Edited to add: Duh! Then there's my relationship with the gods, specifically Artemis (yeah, that's right, I said it!) and Brigid (yeah, that's right, I'm not so deity-dumped as I thought). Turns out that when Brigid suggested we see other people, she meant some sort of kinky holy threesome, and I feel a roundness and wildness to my relationships with deity now that astounds me and fills me with energy, inspiration and gratitude. So... rock on!

Storyteller Spread Day 9: Treasure and Home

I'm on Day 9 of using Dianne Sylvan's Storyteller spread, today pulling the card for the ninth and tenth positions, representing The Treasure and Home.

The position held by Card 9 represents the Treasure, that which the Key (Card 8) unlocks, the outcome of the quest and the final reward for the challenges faced and overcome. Card 10 represents Home - the hero's journey has come to an end, and this last card represents how she will integrate her new skills and gifts into her life and bring them back home (or perhaps, move on to another adventure).

For the Treasure, I drew the Three of Swords - a card of heartbreak and betrayal, although there may also be some suggestion of a willing sacrifice. This card is not a final state, but a transition - the number three is a first manifestation or expression that arises from the tension and duality of two - and so this pierced heart (in this deck symbolized by a swan pierced by three swords) is not a permanent state of brokenness but a step along the continuing journey.

I was a bit surprised and discouraged to see this card - almost always interpreted as pretty straight-forwardly negative - in the position of the Treasure, although it certainly seems in keeping with the Four of Cups in the position of the Key. My immediate reaction was to think that this whole process, this quest, would just end in disappointment, betrayal and heartbreak. But the card also reminds me of the concept of the raw and exposed heart - the tender heart that is so exposed and so intimate with all things that it feels not just intense joy but also immense sorrow. This is a state of utter openness to the world, a deep vulnerability. Though it might not be the kind of reward I was hoping for, many of the other cards in the spread (which speak of finding balance between conscious and unconscious, between will and soul) seem to be leading up to this point. Even in the top row of cards (Cards 3, 6 and 9) there seems to be a progression, with Card 3, the Pack (the skills and assets the hero begins with) being the Eight of Swords, also depicting a swan pierced by swords and trapped by thorns. Card 6, which is itself the Sword (the unexpected gift or strength the hero discovers within herself that helps her defeat the Dragon in Card 7), is Temperance, which is an evolution of the calmness and hope counseled in Card 3. In this sense, the Three of Swords in Card 9 is a natural evolution, a heart that is willingly bared and raw, in which the swan no longer struggles against the blades. If you think of swords as a symbol of communication and intellect, this may even suggest a process by which cultivating centered temperance gives me a more "penetrating" insight into the realm of the heart/emotions/unconscious, or perhaps allows me to communicate about that realm more effectively in a way that touches others.

The two supporting cards I pulled for Card 9 were the Tower and the Hermit. Again, both major arcana cards supporting a minor arcana card. In the Tower, there is a suggestion that what has been built up in the past will come crashing down and the world will turn upside-down - and the Hermit certainly suggestions a time of leaving behind the life you've known before and journeying into the wild in search of truth and guidance. I'm not sure I have any deep thoughts on these cards - perhaps time will tell.

For Card 10, Home, I drew Death. Yeah, that's right.

So returning home to integrate these new gifts and skills into ordinary life will be a deeply, fundamentally transformative experience in which I literally die to my old self. .....Yay. Although I can't feel too bad about that (the imagery and artistry of the Death card in this deck, which depicts a phoenix triumphant, is so beautiful it's hard to feel bad about drawing it), part of me is not exactly thrilled that I'm going to face yet another transformative, (r)evolutionary transition or experience. (I think I've written about this before - about how sometimes I get sick of always have to evolve and transform with these spiritual or metaphorical deaths - but I guess that's Pluto's influence in me.)

The two supporting cards for this final drawing are: the King of Wands and the Seven of Wands. So once again, it seems clear that this is related to my projects and initiatives, and probably in particular my podcast work and my work as a volunteer naturalist. The King of Wands is a powerful figure who holds a great fiery energy in careful check, curved around himself like wings. He is a figure of clear sovereignty and power, but also of charisma and active initiative, although all of this is expressed through structure and order. The Seven of Wands is also a fairly position card (at least in this deck), depicting a mother fox protecting her young in an act of selfless courage - it is a card that symbolizes standing up for what you believe in and fighting for what you care about, and finding without yourself the courage and faith to overcome all obstacles even in the face of discouragement and competition. The fact that the artist specifically mentions faith is not necessarily a coincidence, I think.

I'm feeling somewhat bewildered by these intense cards and not sure exactly how to interpret them (though part of me keeps wondering just how much my daily drawings are influenced by my own moods and energies on a given day - since in the past couple days my period has started and my mood has, as usual, become somewhat worn and stretched thin (like butter over too much bread). Perhaps it would be helpful to revisit this spread at some point later, drawing all ten cards during the same session to see what insights they might yield.

I also want to experiment with a new spread Jeff has discovered in the book that accompanied his new steampunk tarot deck - one in which you rearrange the spread as you go and use the cards like interlocking gears to explore alternative outcomes and how to get there. Half divination, half magical working. I'd be curious about exploring that.

I also want to know what Jeff plans to do as his final "wrap-up" ritual as part of this spiritual work. I'd like to do something for myself, but I think I'll need at least a few days to ponder it and come up with something.

* I should add - Google has updated the Blogger UI and managed to make it suck even harder in a pretty profound way (like, f'ex, not automatically inserting paragraph breaks in the html, and also generally just making the dashboard hard to navigate with WAY TOO MUCH WHITE SPACE and, bizarrely, no bottom margin so that I'm literally typing at the very bottom of my screen with no way to scroll). So.... yeah. Good job, Google. What the fuck? Do you have a lot of self-hatred or something? Are you trying to fail? Are you trying to make people not like you? ::headdesk::

Storyteller Spread Day 8: Key

I'm on Day 8 of using Dianne Sylvan's Storyteller spread, today pulling the card for the eighth position, representing The Key.

The Key is what will unlock the Treasure (Card 9), the reward or gift that results from facing the Dragon (Card 7) and overcoming that challenge. It represents the evolution of the Dream (Card 2) - how the hero's motivations have changed during her journey and it offers divine guidance on how to move forward.

The card I drew for this position was the Four of Cups - arguably the first "negative" card of the spread. I'm not sure how to interpret this card in this position. In this deck, the card depicts a mermaid, and the artist tells the story of one who has grown bored with the constant monotony of the sea and its beings, so she swims higher than she's ever gone before and hoists herself out onto land. For a moment, lost in thought and day-dream, she has a glimpse of a realm of sky and sea blended, the water a perfect mirror of the sky so that the horizon seems to disappear - and for the first time she sees her own reflection and is able to perceive her beauty. Then this day-dream is disturbed as she reaches out to touch her reflection in the water, and she realizes the strange denizens of the air are watching her and she is not as alone as she thought. She begins to feel the cold dry air on her skin and longs to slip back into the ocean and return to her watery home.

The number four represents stability and form, but it is often interpreted among the suits as an expression of stagnation and fossilization, becoming trapped in patterns - in the case of Cups, becoming emotionally disengaged and bored, wallowing in self-indulgence and old emotional habits or patterns. Yet there's also a kind of echoing dualism in the number four (2 + 2 and 2 X 2) that creates the potential for dynamic tension that can raise the energies of the suit or card to a new level. It seems like this is what the artist of this deck was exploring when she depicted the story of the mermaid who sought the surface - though there is self-indulgence, there is also an opportunity for real introspection and a glimpse of the self that has never been seen before (which I guess makes sense - if we can take a step back and recognize emotional patterns or habits as they are and perhaps see where they come from).

I'm not entirely sure if this card is showing me a "negative" truth, the realization of which (and so the avoidance or transformation that may result) is the "key" to unlocking the treasure.... or if the card is meant to represent some more obscure but positive "key." Is the key here what I should avoid, or what I should come to appreciate as a blessing in disguise? I'm just not sure.

I drew two supporting cards seeking clarity on this question, and the two that I drew were the High Priestess (II) and the Chariot (VII). Again, two major arcana cards supporting a minor arcana card - and as in previous spreads, both major arcana cards face in towards the center, towards each other and towards the primary card of the spread. Both of these cards express a certain duality in them. The Chariot, for obvious reasons: the mastering of two wild charges who both want to go each their own way, who have been brought into relationship and mastered - this card, I've always understood, represents the mastery of will and self-discipline, and to some extent the conscious mind, over the wildness of the subconscious with its urges and desires (and fears and uncertainties). The goddess of victory tames even the depths of the sea, which calms for her as she rides her chariot across it. The High Priestess is also a card of duality: the card is numbered II (although technically its the third major arcana card the way they're normally organized), and the High Priestess herself stands between the two pillars which, in this deck, are depicted as the forking limbs of a mighty tree. She spread her two arms wide, creating a kind of chalice of her body. She stands upon the threshold to the mysteries, especially the dark mysteries of the subconscious realm. So these two cards, in addition to representing dualities in themselves, also reflect two aspects of a central duality: the balance between subconscious and conscious mind. In each, a goddess aspires to the heights of her power, the epitome and very embodiment of her realm. Even their postures seem to mirror each other - the High Priestess raises her arms and lifts her hands above her, while the Chariot goddess throws her arms down and back, hands outstretched to her sides.

I'm still left wondering what exactly this Key is. If this is meant to be an evolution of the Dream - the Ace of Cups - perhaps it is the maturation of the vision seen reflected in the gift of the chalice, this time brought into manifestation and form. If the Four of Cups represents not only a certain risk of boredom and stagnation but also an opportunity to push beyond that to the next "level" or plane, then it seems the energies of the major arcana cards are supporting that effort with all the power they can muster. I'm just not sure how this will manifest in my life - perhaps taking on more public roles as a podcast and as a volunteer teacher will give me a chance to step back and see myself for the first time, even if I have to push myself "out of my element" every once in a while. What strikes me about the Four of Cups is that, though there are four chalices carried by the air sprites, the ocean itself could be thought of as a fifth chalice. And while the mermaid may ignore the other four, she gives her full attention, as well as her longing, to that far vaster and deeper chalice of the sea - and she can always go back to it whenever she likes, there is nothing forcing her to stay on land but her own will and determination. Considering that I began this journey with the Nine of Cups, utterly submersed in the watery realms, perhaps the "key" that this latest card represents is just the reminded that the vision, the dream, is still alive and it is possible to return to that vision for renewal and a refreshed, revived sense of motivation whenever I need it. And maybe by doing so, I'll step more fully into the roles of High Priestess and Charioteer alike, both sovereign of my own conscious mind and will and devotee to the deeper mysteries of the subconscious realms of the soul

Storyteller Spread Day 7: Dragons

I'm on Day 7 of using Dianne Sylvan's Storyteller spread, today pulling the card for the seventh position, representing The Dragon.

The Dragon is the card that represents the central issue or challenge at the heart of the entire journey or quest - the main obstacle that the hero will face along her path, the challenge that she has been called upon all along through dream and vision to rise to meet. It's the "Big Bad" - what needs to be confronted, overcome, understood and integrated in order for the hero to move forward and obtain the key and treasure which she will bring back to her home and her community at the end of the quest.

For this card, I drew the Two of Wands. I find this interesting - Wands have appeared consistently as a very important suit throughout this meditative work, but this is the first time that a card of that suit has actually appeared in a primary position in the spread. The Two of Wands depicts a courageous leader perched atop a cliff, seated astride a powerful lion, gazing out across the lands that stretch away below her. She has worked hard to attain this success and authority over the lands she now rules, and she has had to embody not only self-discipline and dedication but also boldness, courage, willingness to take risks. Yet now, the place she finds herself in is somewhat isolated and isolating - her authority and success has effectively raised her above others and kept her separate and apart. There is an ambivalence and duality in this card that must be confronted, contemplated and weighed in the balance. The polarity of Two can give rise to balance, harmony and the kind of in-tune tension that sings when played well - but it can also create harmful tension, stress and unhealthy dualism that results in division and strife.

This card to me seems to speak directly to the task I have before me: the biggest challenge will be handling the success, and what it will demand of me in terms of work and commitment, courage and bravery. Success in this initiative is a mixed blessing, as it will undoubtedly require a great deal of time and energy to keep it going. Perhaps I also have a fear of such success, for the ways in which it might beholden me to others and "lock me in" to a structure that might not suit me in the long run, or simply not be flexible enough.

Yet the polarity of two, and the emphasis on balance in the last several cards, seems to suggest also that this is a challenge that I can overcome, that I can face with grace and learn how to handle adeptly given enough time and practice (and patience!). The two supporting cards I drew were The World (XXI) and The Emperor (IV) - once again, it seems that there are incredibly powerful spiritual forces at play in what might on the surface seem to be a fairly mundane, small matter of a job. The images of the World and Emperor seem to echo each other in important ways - both figures hold a sphere or globe of light, both figures stand before a circular background that seems to encompass the all of everything, both figures even where horned headdresses. This last point might not be all that important, but it strikes me as curious. The horns of the Emperor - being two - seem to reflect the two wands of the primary card; whereas the horned headdress of the World figure has only a single horn curving away from her forward, almost like a unicorn's horn, and this to me suggests a more unified, holistic approach or worldview. The circular backgrounds of the cards echo each other - but while the background of the World card seems to have grown organically from the living greenery around her, the background of the Emperor is carved in stone, a symbolic throne depicting his dominion over all things and his bringing order to chaos in a deliberate, controlled way that is distinct from the organic, emergent order that grows up in the World card. And while the World figure seems to cradle her sphere of light in her arms, resting her forehead lightly against it as if communing, the Emperor holds his sphere squarely and purposefully between his two hands, almost as though he is pressing and molding it into shape. All these comparisons generally reflect the differences between the cards' meanings: the Emperor is a card of structure and rulership, authority and sovereignty in a more mundane political sense - while the World is a card of harmonious, natural order and beauty emerging from the chaotic flow of nature with whom the World figure communes on a deeper, more intuitive, more receptive level.

Yet these two cards also hold a lot in common, as I already pointed out, suggesting that they aren't necessarily irreconcilable opposites to each other. The figure in the Two of Wands card faces towards the Emperor and away from the World, who faces out to the left away from the other two cards in a kind of private moment of her own. This seems to me to suggest that part of the challenge will be m tendency to focus too much on the structure and order involved in the hard work to bring my project initiative to fruition, and that this may prove very difficult for me. On the other hand, learning to integrate a more relaxed "go with the flow" attitude may help me to integrate these energies better. The World figure doesn't just face away from the structure and ruling order of the Emperor, but she faces towards all of the cards in the spread that have come before - including the cards representing the motivating vision (the gift of intuitive wisdom and fanciful day-dreaming in the Ace of Cups), the skills of calmness and hope that I carry with me, the map that guides along the middle way, and the sword that balances opposites and brings them together to create life and dynamic beauty. Perhaps most important of all is the place where the journey began, the Nine of Cups. The World faces all of these, seeming to suggest that in order to overcome this challenge of discipline and order - and to do so without losing my sense of joy and spontaneity that will make the work fulfilling - I will have to remember the motivations and visions and dreams of the past, and carry those with me, following their example at times.

Perhaps not a very scary dragon on the face of it - but I find myself nervous about whether or not I'll be able to rise to that challenge. Trusting in the support and natural, emergent, beautiful order of the universe to carry this work along (like the seeds cast to the wind!).... that's what gives me hope and helps me stay calm. There's no doubt that, either way, this is very important soul-work.

Storyteller Spread Day 6: Sword

I'm on Day 6 of using Dianne Sylvan's Storyteller spread, today pulling the card for the sixth position, representing The Sword.

The Sword represents a skill, asset or strength that the hero discovers during her completion of the Task set forth by the elder (in Card 4). It signifies a potentially overlooked issue that will have an important impact on the outcome of the quest and the hero's ability to face the Dragon (in Card 7).

The primary card I drew for this position was Temperance (XIV), the first major arcana card in a primary position in the spread. This card represents balance and harmony between opposites - a dynamic relationship that creates tension and movement and ultimately an incorporation of the two into a healthy integrity. While either opposite can become destructive and overwhelming when isolated on its own, together they form a whole that is larger than either one alone, that "includes and transcends" without subsuming or quashing either.

Though the meaning of Temperance leapt out at me immediately, I'm not sure exactly how it fits into the larger journey - though it does seem like balancing opposites that are in tension with each other has been the theme for the past couple drawings. Card 4, the Page of Pentacles, had major arcana cards as its two supporting cards, each facing inward to support the primary card, and each representing one of the aspects of the Page of Pentacles in a refined and heightened form (the Fool, the energy and youth and eagerness of the Page, and the Hierophant, the earthiness and structure of the Pentacles, each expressed as spiritual urges). Card 5, the Nine of Pentacles, seemed to suggest a "middle way," marrying the spiritual and the material world, creating a dynamic communion between free-spirited creativity and serious self-discipline; its two supporting cards, the Four of Wands and the Knight of Swords, faced outward away from each other, suggesting distractions along the path pulling in opposite directions, towards frivolous freedom and fleeting energy on the one hand and an overemphasis on the intellect and "being right" on the other. So it seems that the Temperance card is illustrating how important it will be for me to find a healthy, dynamic balance between opposites that might otherwise threaten to pull me off track in various directions - and yet, it also seems to say that if I can discover that balance, I will also be able to create a spaciousness within which I can center and find respite and poise when I need it.

The two supporting cards I pulled seem to reinforce this lesson of balancing opposites: the Ace of Wands and the Nine of Wands. Both within the same suits, and once again both cards facing in towards each other and towards the central, primary card - the ace and the nine seem to illustrate opposing energies each being brought in to serve a single purpose. On the one hand, you have the gift of new initiatives, new energy and new activity as represented by the Ace; on the other hand, you have the Nine with its suggestion of completion and, in this case, an emphasis on vigilance and continued discipline in order to keep one's strength and purpose clear. This spread seems to suggest to me, over all, that a successful balance of energies means both being open to new possibilities and initiatives, while also being on guard and careful about how to move forward. Constantly taking on new projects can lead to burn out and frivolousness, but being too careful can lead to stagnation and boredom - so a balance between the two is necessary. Both openness, and vigilance. Sounds a great deal like the concept of attention and attending that I have meditated on before, the open attentiveness of attending to (and upon) the world around us - which itself stretches us and challenges us in new ways. The fact that these two cards are of the same suit and are facing towards one another and towards the central primary card of Temperance seems to me to say that these opposites are things that can be integrated and held in relationship with one another.

Since much of this meditative work has focused on the direction my career seems to be heading, I think this is once again emphasizing the importance of balance between discipline and creativity, organization and joyful enthusiasm, that I'll need to find to make this work enjoyable and successful. This is true both for the podcast and the volunteer naturalist work. It's a lesson that is so important for people who are self-employed or work from home, I think, because it's so easy to fall out of balance when you're not subject to anyone else's oversight - either driving yourself too hard, or cutting yourself too much slack. Today is a good example. I began the day feeling somewhat exhausted, but my energy seemed to gather towards the afternoon and I felt in a good mood - but for some reason, after dinner I began to feel increasingly dissatisfied and anxious, though for no clear or particular reason.... though I think largely it had to do with me slightly freaking out - again - over how much work two podcast shows a week might turn out to be, and worries over not being able to find a good rhythm and balance to the work. It seems like this card is counseling me to relax a bit and trust in my ability to find that balance, so long as I keep the importance of balance in mind - and perhaps make sure that I make time to ground, center and attend regularly. Obviously, balancing my physical needs with my spiritual and emotional needs is going to be an issue, too, and perhaps regular spiritual meditation in the mornings will play an important role in maintaining balance and keeping my energy and optimism up. After all, the major arcana card does suggest that this is something going on at a deeper level than mere "mundane" reality but also involve the realm of the soul/spirit. The image of the card pretty closely reflects the actual Three Realms meditation that I perform regularly, and I did notice when trying to enter a deeper meditative state to reflect on the card that it was difficult for me to hold my concentration. I got a brief glimpse of the swirling sphere of opposites, and a vague sense of the angel Temperance handing me an actual sword that had a double-edge that shone in two reflected colors and vibrated in a way that create a beautiful song (like a singing bowl, almost). The vibration seemed to come from holding the sword still and perfectly balanced before me, almost like a torch or sword of light.

So balancing the spiritual and the physical may just be the important but overlooked issue that will play the biggest part in how this whole journey plays out and how I eventually face the Dragon to come.

Storyteller Spread Day 5: Map

I'm on Day 5 of using Dianne Sylvan's Storyteller spread, today pulling the card for the fifth position, representing The Map.

This card represents the Map, one of two gifts or boons earned upon overcoming the challenge set forth in the previous card, the Task. The Map gives the hero a clearer vision of her journey to come, helping her to orient herself and see the big picture - it is similar to the Dream card drawn earlier in the spread, except that whereas the Dream gives her a vision of her own motivation and calling, the Map gives a broader perspective so that she understands the route her journey will take to get her to her final confrontation with the Dragon.

The card I drew for this position in the spread was the Nine of Pentacles, a very positive card in almost all respects. The card represents a balancing of spiritual and material fulfillment, and a joining of spiritual needs and expression with physical manifestation in the material world. This card depicts an artist at her piano, playing upon an instrument that is itself grown living among the trees of the forest. Her spiritual being is in communion with her material being, and through that communion she creates her beautiful music as the golden spirals of the nature that surround her express the spiritual essence and perfection that lies within all things. This card represents material well-being and refinement, yes, but it also indicates that such things are intricately connected to and expressions of the spiritual work of seeking balance and creating beauty. There is wholeness and fulfillment, as well as movement and growth in this card, and the balance of these is what brings the material and spiritual into communion with one another. Ultimately, this is a card of appreciation for the wealth (spiritual and material) that we already possess in abundance, and a discovery of the deep value and worth of one's own self and soul, one's own place and work.

To me, this card suggestions that the broader purpose or direction of my journey is to find a path towards meaningful, fulfilling work that will also provide stability in the material realm, so that I can more fully embrace the richness of life on all levels of being. I have struggled with finding spiritually fulfilling work that also could realistically provide for my physical needs - this suggests that my journey will take me in that direction, with very good results. The fact that this card depicts a figure playing a piano that is a living part of nature reminds me immediately of both my podcasting work (the auditory quality of the music and speaking) as well as my work as a volunteer naturalist engaging with people out in the natural world and showing them the beauty of the World Song.

I also drew two supporting cards, which were the Four of Wands and the Knight of Swords. These cards face outward from the center, in opposite directions, so that their energies seem to disperse the energy of the central card (whose main figure actually has her back to the viewer and, thus, to the two other cards). For me, this layout seems to suggest that these are potential pitfalls or distractions along the way - especially when thinking about the layout as a physical map with the "middle path" of balance between. The Four of Wands is full of energy and joy and fulfillment, but it is a happiness that is in some sense fleeting, a passing moment of celebration in the midst of a continuing process. The card suggests to me that there is a danger in trying to grasp too tightly to a constant state of joy and celebration while eschewing the necessary work - almost as though the Four of Wands indicates the pitfall of being too frivolous and easily led on a chase for the next exciting thing. The Knight of Swords, on the other hand, is a bit more intense and perhaps even severe - full of power and bluster, riding the whirlwind, he might be a bit too ruthless and rash, especially in his language and the use of his intellect. This suggests to me an alternate way in which I might stray from the middle path - becoming too bent upon being "right" or too competitive. It seems like this is the kind of card that might represent the way in which I strayed from the journey towards meaningful, fulfilling work before: getting too caught up in arguments and debates, especially wars-of-words online with trolls, to the point where I felt frustrated and sick to death of trying to say anything for fear that it would stir up controversy or pick a fight I didn't have the energy to engage.

On the other hand, both of these cards also have positive aspects that can be incorporated into the "middle way" of the primary card. The Four of Wands has an energy and enthusiasm and a definite sense of joy, all of which are reflected in a subtle and refined way in the Nine of Pentacles. The Nine of Pentacles also seems to incorporate the self-discipline and strength of the Knight of Swords, whose sword "shines like a beacon" and allows him to cut through a lot of red tape with passion and enthusiasm. So although these energies in their extremes might be distracting, together they offer some support - if the main goal or aim of the journey is kept in mind.

That's my interpretation, anyway. All in all, very positive and helpful. (I also notice that I've ceased to draw the Eight of Wands practically every time now that our first podcast episode is up and the website is officially launched. I guess those seeds have been scattered for the winds to carry!)

Storyteller Spread Day 4: Witch's Task

I'm on Day 4 of using Dianne Sylvan's Storyteller spread, today pulling the card for the fourth position, representing The Task.

This card represents the task set forth by the wise elder whom the hero meets in the depths of the forest when she first sets off on her quest - a struggle or challenge that the hero must face and overcome using what assets she has brought along with her. (As a result of facing this first challenge, the hero is afterwards given two gifts, represented by cards 5 and 6 later in the spread.)

The card I drew for this position was the Page of Pentacles. This card is a fairly positive one, representing new opportunities and possibilities coming into manifestation, and a sense of stability and security in the physical world. The Page of Pentacles is one who has self-discipline, diligence and commitment, but still retains that sense of youth and curiosity that makes her unafraid of moving forward to try new things.

I'm not quite certain exactly how this card fits into the spread at this point, and it may become clearer as I move on and draw more cards.

I was going to skip drawing supporting cards, since tonight is another late night and I'm very tired, but I just felt like I should do so while I'm in the moment, even if a deeper exploration of the cards' meanings has to wait for tomorrow.

The two supporting cards I drew were: the Fool and the Hierophant. These are powerful cards, especially to be supporting the Task card representing the initial challenge on my journey. Each card faces in towards the center, the Fool and Hierophant both looking towards each other and towards the center, primary card of the Page of Pentacles (who faces forward). The energy of this three card spread of primary and supporting cards definitely seems to be concentrated on the center card, with intense energies from the major arcana supporting cards acting as balance to each other and quite literal support of the center card. The Fool, on the one hand, seems to reflect the youth and eagerness of the Page, the willingness to jump in and get started, to take a risk and begin. The Hierophant, on the other hand, reflects the grounded, more material or physical nature of the Pentacles suit - he is concerned with the rules that govern the spiritual life and the laws of nature which all things follow in order to maintain harmony.

So it seems that these three cards suggest, maybe, that my first challenge will be a new opportunity on the material plane - a new job, for instance - that will require both youthful enthusiasm and risk, and self-discipline and steady work. Luckily, it seems like these energies are helping and mutually supporting each other, all working towards the same goal, rather than pulling in opposite directions (as they might have been, if I'd drawn them in a slightly different order in the three-card spread). The suggestion or advice seems to be to take the plunge into hard work, to make the leap into a task that will require commitment and study.

In a lot of ways, this seems to represent pretty clearly what I'm involved in right now, both with my volunteer work and with my efforts with podcasting as a serious career shift. In both situations, I face a new job or task that demands both committed effort and the courage to take a leap into the unknown. And in both case, the long-term goals are not as important as the willingness to just take that first leap, that first jump into the work. (The two major arcana cards certainly seem to suggest that this challenge, right in this moment, is momentous enough that putting my full weight into facing that challenge and taking on that task will have profound effects rippling out, no matter what the specific consequences are.)

That's about all I have in me for tonight, though. I hope to take some time (tomorrow, maybe) to look at the spread that I've drawn so far and look at these four cards - Nine of Cups, Ace of Cups, Eight of Swords and Page of Pentacles - all together in the same spread, in relation to each other instead of in isolation or in the context of the supporting cards. I'll see how much energy I have tomorrow for that kind of work....

Storyteller Spread Day 3: Pack

I'm on Day 3 of using Dianne Sylvan's Storyteller spread, today pulling the card for the third position, representing The Pack.

This card represents the "gear" the hero brings on her journey - the assets, skills and talents that she already has at the beginning of her quest, the tools she can rely on. It can also represent the baggage that she carries with her, and what she may need to reassess and let go before the pack grows too heavy to carry and prevents her from moving on.

I am exhausted tonight, so I drew only one card - I'll return tomorrow morning to do an i-depth meditation and draw two supporting cards.

The card I drew was the Eight of Swords. Depicted on this card, a noble swan struggles, trapped among thorny brambles. Above, a tiny hummingbird hovers. The first word that leapt to mind when I looked at this card was: Hope. The second word was: Calm.

The hummingbird represents hope even in seemingly impossible situations - the small light shining still, the symbol that life goes on and things will work their way out. The hummingbird is a tiny creature compared to the swan, whose very grace and majesty can become an obstacle in certain situations. Here, the swan is clearly panicking, and yet the brambles do not cut so deep as all that. The hummingbird - as quick as it is - counsels the swan to stay calm, to reassess, not to make use of might and swagger to get out of the situation but to center herself and move gently and delicately and with subtlety.

Today, I spent most of the day working intensely on editing the podcast, writing the show notes and creating an image for the post to go up with the first episode. I'm very proud of the results - I think it's a fantastic first episode - but it was tiring work and I find myself feeling intimidated by the idea of trying to keep this up twice a week on a regular basis. I was beginning to panic - to worry about what kind of situation I've committed myself to.

This card, I think, is both a reminder of my assets and a caution about what baggage I carry. If I want to be majestic and powerful like the swan, I need to be aware of the kind of baggage that creates and that it might not be helpful in certain circumstances - whereas the hummingbird is small and unassuming, but its very quickness and small size is what allows it to navigate, to slip through otherwise dangerous or difficult territory. My best assets are hope (the light that I hold steady even through difficulty, and my willingness to work through it), and calm (remembering to center in myself and not get distracted by the trivial, to stay committed)....but my baggage may be my desire to do too much, to force things when they can't be forced and to try to be "bigger" when the situation actually requires me to think small, quick and unassuming.

So.... good insights from even just that one card. I'm very glad I didn't skip my work tonight, though I'm very tired. Looking forward to relaxing and heading to bed.

Storyteller Spread Day 2: Dream

I'm on Day 2 of using Dianne Sylvan's Storyteller spread, today pulling the card for the second position, representing The Dream.

This card tells about the nature of the quest itself - it is the gift of a vision or dream about what the hero must set out to do, why she is called away from the Home represented in the first card.

The primary card I drew for this position tonight was the Ace of Cups, which seemed to me immediately to suggest this idea of the "quest for the holy grail." This beautiful goblet is the source of intuition and emotional fulfillment and connection, as well as of dream, creativity, fantasy and vision. The still waters held within the cup are a mirror that reflects the deeper, subconscious patterns of the world from which we can learn, and from the cup spring the sensual, physical manifestations of the senses. Like all Ace cards, the Ace of Cups is a gift that is offered freely, a gift of grace. It is also a card of beginnings, but in this case maybe not so obvious a beginning that might be reflected in the external world - more an opening to love in a broader sense, a going-within to seek for the vision and creative dreaming that allow us to discover self-love and love of life, and through this to discover self-acceptance and joy.

When I meditate on this card, once again I slip into the vision that the card depicts very easily - and the cup seems to be right before me. Unlike the image actually depicted on the card, of the cup set off somewhat in front of the viewer, in my trance work the goblet is right before me as though I'm holding it close between my two hands, peering down into its depths. So close is this cup to me that I can almost feel its waters sloshing and spilling out over its sides to wet my hands and splash me. The cup seems huge and heavy, but not so heavy so that it's hard to hold. Though last night's vision of the cup was of a glowing golden goblet (inspired no doubt by the way the cup was depicted in the Nine of Cups), tonight, the cup is silver and glistening as though illuminated by moonlight. I wonder if this is also an aspect of the quest, the journey I am to undertake - seeking by the light of the moon and stars, the light of night and twilight, the darker, more intuitive "inner light" - rather than by the overt, extroverted, bright and golden light of the noonday sun.

The two supporting cards I drew were the Eight of Wands (again!) and Justice. The Eight of Wands is clearly of great importance right now, emphasizing this message of casting my energy, efforts and hopes to the wind and trusting in the greater pattern of it all. The card of Justice speaks of balance and vision alike - it evokes this idea of justice as the harmony of right relationship, and far from being blind, the figure of Justice in this card can see with a vision that pierces even the darkest obscurity. She holds the feather as though it were a sword - and yet it is light and delicate - as butterflies flock around her and the scales that she holds. This is a card of balance of inner and outer as well, of conscious and subconscious. She holds one hand in towards herself while extending the other to hold out the scales - one of her wings is turned upwards while another turns down. To me, this suggests that an aspect of this quest will be to seek balance between my inner subconscious and my conscious, rational mind that is closer to the surface. I think this is a positive sign that I should not worry overly much about giving in to fantasy or day-dream as merely impractical or indulgent - that exploring the subconscious is perhaps something I have been somewhat remiss in before and the primary nature of the quest, finding that intuitive source and vision, is a process of bringing more balance and openness to my life and my work. Tempering the energy of wands (which are obviously playing a big role in this) and the sometimes harsh light of the rational mind who seeks to assign responsibility (but perhaps can too easily resort to placing blame, especially on oneself) - with the cooler, darker depths of the creative unconscious mind-soul.

Storyteller Spread Day 1: Home

Using Dianne Sylvan's Storyteller spread, I begin this work with the card in the first position, representing home.

This is the card that speaks of the current situation, the place from which I will begin the journey and also, eventually, the place that I will return to with the treasure or sacred gift that it is my task to integrate into the world.

For each of these ten cards, I plan to draw one primary card and then, after some contemplation, two supporting cards, for a total of three for each given card place. (I'll carry only the first, primary card over to the next day's spread, though, so that I don't run out of cards before the end!)

For tonight's card, Home, I drew: the Nine of Cups. A very auspicious and joyful card, the Shadowscape deck depicts a merman leaning raptly over a golden, shining goblet while around him hundreds of golden fish swim in breath-taking, beautiful, graceful formation. This is a card of deep contentment and emotional fulfillment, of being swept up in the joy and even giddiness of the moment of present happiness. I close my eyes, and swiftly I am there beneath the waters, experiencing the sensual caress of the warm currents and the sweeping rush of the glistening creatures all around me. The shining goblet that I hold in my hands is smooth, cool and somewhat heavy - I gaze into its concave bowl as if looking into a shimmering golden sun, and the goblet seems filled with light and love and joy, an underwater reflection of the sun that rides the sky above the surface of the ocean. I feel a great happiness and gratitude to be here - but also an intense energy, almost as though it's hard to stay still. I just want to dance, to swim swiftly and joyfully!

The two supporting cards I draw are: the Three of Wands and the Eight of Wands (again). Both of these cards balance the emotional depths of the Nine of Cups with the energy and activity of the wands - and both speak to a journey which is just beginning. In the Three of Wands, the figure steps out onto a thin bridge that reaches out into a great valley - the sense of depth here is almost as great as in the ocean, but airy and light instead of fluid and shadowy. The figure steps out into thin air, and her steps - her dreams and intentions that guide her and urge her onwards - themselves become the bridge that she walks upon. She is guided by far vision - and this is also a card of momentary stillness, pausing the enjoy that vision and all that it can give before taking the next steps on the adventure. The Eight of Wands, as I wrote yesterday, is also a card about trusting to the greater patterns of the universe - instead of stepping out into thin air, this figure casts her wishes out upon the wind to be carried far and wide until they find new ground where they will root and grow into mighty trees. Again, this card signifies accomplishment but also a continuation of the journey to new places.

All in all, the emotional fulfillment of the primary card carries with it an energy and eagerness to move on that are reflected in the two supporting cards. The Home card in the storyteller spread is the place where the hero begins, and the place that she will leave either because of her own inner restlessness or because something comes along to shake her out of her complacency. Here, I think the cards are indicating that I have found a place of joy as well as sensual and emotional (and intuitive?) fulfillment in the depths of soul — but that this new stability is exactly what is giving me the energy and enthusiasm to set off on the journey ahead of me. Perhaps I have been frustrated about not moving forward for so long, that coming to a place of relative stability and peace, emotionally speaking, is exactly what is allowing me to move forward now. I do not have a fear of losing that fulfillment, and nor am I simply resting on my laurels and luxuriating in the sensual pleasures — instead, I'm excited about the possibilities that are opened up to me now that I have this joy in my life. Both the Three of Wands and the Eight of Wands indicate a moment of pause for vision and reflection (and, for the latter, finishing up loose ends of old work) that comes at the pivotal point between the past and the future work or journey to be undertaken. Laying the spread out left to right: Three of Wands, Nine of Cups, Eight of Wands, the energy pivots around the joy of the present moment (maybe the Three of Wands is us taking the leap to move across the country to a whole new city? and the Eight of Wands is my current work with web publishing and podcasting, among other things?) moving from left to right, from past to future with increasing stability and success.

A good place to start, I think.