Imbolc Celebration and Life Balance Work

This past week I spent some time working on some discernment when it comes to my life goals and finding balance. I had a bit of a rough week, with major writer's block for several of my projects (including my columns for SageWoman and Aontacht coming up) — and on top of typical health stuff, I was left feeling restless, frustrated and somewhat directionless. I was also disappointed that my Imbolc detox diet seemed to have the opposite effect as usual. Usually when I switch to a raw vegan diet for a couple weeks, I feel more energetic and kind of "cleared out." This time, I just spent most of the time feeling rather weak and stuck, and my self-discipline gave out somewhat earlier than usual. That, of course, just frustrated me even more. It was, all told, a pretty shitty couple weeks, with the exception of Sunday itself, when we spent the day in the woods hiking and celebrated Imbolc with a very simple ritual.


I'd originally hoped to do a steampunk-inspired ritual for Imbolc, but the more I planned it, the more I realized there were certain ritual tools and such that we didn't have that we'd need to get first (like, of course, a dedicated ceremonial cast iron teapot — the water, tealight warmer and the loose herbal tea symbolizing the three Druidic elements and the three realms, with the teapot itself a symbolic reinterpretation of the Cauldron of inspiration and transformation.... except that we don't have an appropriate teapot that we could use). We tend to do very minimalist, simple rituals, since almost always we do them outside in the woods after a day of hiking, so usually all of our ritual tools and altar objects are practical and easily transportable. But the steampunk aesthetic is much more Victorian and elaborate in a lot of ways, and seems more suited to high/ceremonial magic (think: Golden Dawn and theosophy, both of which have their roots in the spiritualism of Victorian times).... So a steampunk ritual is really, by necessity, the exact opposite of minimalist. Jeff and I have been talking about slowly collecting items to create a specifically steampunk altar, and here and there we've made some progress (like the steampunk pacific tree frog I made recently, which is currently sitting on my naturalist/deep ecology altar), but by and large we still don't have the kind of tools necessary to pull off a steampunk ritual in style.

In any case, the ritual itself was lovely (and I wrote about it a bit here), but for the most part the past couple weeks have been less than stellar. In general, I felt that kind of listless feeling that leaves you dissatisfied but without being able to put your finger on exactly what's wrong. I felt bored and stuck, but no particular project or activity struck me as interesting enough to shake me out of it. So I decided to spend some time in discernment trying to figure out what it is that I actually want, to give me a clearer picture of where this sense of lack and ennui was coming from. I was inspired by Plotkin and his idea of the soul as our "ultimate place" in the world to look back at the placemaking diagram from PPS, which provides a kind of visual formula that helps to pinpoint weakness and areas of improvement when trying to craft a public or shared community space.

I thought it might be useful to tweak this diagram so that it would be more relevant to "soul-making." I liked the basic structure, with key attributes in the center and concentric circles beyond those for intangible qualities and tangible expressions or outcomes. I'm not sure how PPS determined the four quadrants for their placemaking diagram, but I decided to go ahead and use the four classic elements of earth, air, fire and water for mine, representing (respectively) the physical, mental, energetic and emotional aspects of my life. I rotated the quadrants somewhat so that each quadrant aligned with a cardinal direction.

I began by trying to imagine an ideal life in which I felt fulfilled and balanced in all of these different aspects — and I asked myself, what were the tangible, outward signs of this ideal life (or, ideal self)? This process of trying to articulate my goals and desires was itself incredibly helpful, since I found some goals much easier to identify than others. For instance, when it came to the physical aspects of my ideal life, it was easier for me to note right away that I wanted a healthy body, a good diet of food that was healthy for both me and the environment, access to nature and the outdoors, a beautiful and comfortable home, etc. When it came to the mental or intellectual aspects of my ideal life, though, I suddenly found that my goals were much less concrete — they were more abstract and intangible. That sent up a warning flag for me, since part of my frustration I think comes from feeling bored, not challenged or stimulated intellectually. Unfortunately, I tend to sublimate this boredom by doing things like eating or watching television... which only serves to undermine some of my other goals (like health and exercise). So simply by trying to organize my goals and my idea about what an ideal life/self would look like, I was able to identify areas where I was undermining myself without realizing it. I spent a few hours drawing up lists of intangible qualities that I wanted to invite into my life, and the tangible results or expressions of those qualities, or the kind of work or activity that would help me embody them. After doing these for all four quadrants, I turned my attention to the "key attributes" and tried to distill all of the different aspects of these four areas into a single word that seemed to encapsulate the attitude or attribute from which both the intangibles and tangibles arose. Below is the diagram that I eventually came up with:


Since the writing may be difficult to read (I wanted to make this a hands-on activity, so I used colored pencils instead of just making the diagram on the computer), here's a typed out list for each of the quadrants.

North - Physical

Tangibles:

• healthy body
• good diet
• regular exercise
• beautiful, comfortable home
• access to the outdoors/natural world
• financial security

Intangibles:

• stability
• balance
• strength
• endurance
• comfort
• rest
• health
• sensuality
• physical pleasure and enjoyment

Keyword:

• Enchantment

East - Mental

Tangibles:

• opportunities to teach
• opportunities to learn new things
• time to read carefully and think deeply
• conversations with people who respect and challenge me

Intangibles:

• perspective
• clarity
• challenge
• engagement
• growth
• patience
• persistence
• understanding and wisdom
• respect
• acknowledgement

Keyword:

• Insight

South - Energetic

Tangibles:

• regular creative writing (fiction, poetry, creative nonfic, spiritual/nature writing)
• expression through visual arts (drawing, photography)
• enjoyment in playing music (guitar, flute)
• time to relax and have fun
• crafting projects (beading, wood burning, clay)

Intangibles:

• energy
• motivation
• creativity
• self-discipline
• exploration
• freedom
• experimentation
• consistency

Keyword:

• Inspiration

West - Emotional

Tangibles:

• supportive community of smart, creative friends
• romance and surprise in marriage with Jeff
• regular get-togethers for fun and relaxation
• solitude in nature
• awareness and appreciation of beauty

Intangibles:

• sense of humor
• fun
• support
• engagement
• respect
• encouragement
• appreciation
• peace
• gratitude
• generosity

Keyword:

• Intimacy

I intentionally left out "spiritual" as one of the quadrants, for a couple of reasons. First, because I tend to associate the south and fire with energy, passion and creative activity, and although that can be very spiritual, I think the belief that it is somehow inherently more spiritual than any of the other quadrants is a kind of bias against the many other ways that spirit can manifest. The other reason was that I wanted to kind of "build up" my spiritual goals from the key attributes and attitudes of the other four quadrants, so that they were supported and shaped by those attributes. So that's what I ended up doing, including the keywords from the first four quadrants as "intangibles" (along with some others that are more specifically "spiritual") and then imagining what kinds of tangible outcomes or expressions would naturally follow from them in the area of religious or spiritual work in my life. From there, I then sought for what keyword or key attribute might speak to all of those things. This was what I came up with:

Center - Spiritual

Tangibles:

• regular meditation
• regular ritual as poetry/creative expression
• shared ritual with community
• simple daily rituals of routine, sacred in the ordinary
• opportunities for deepening theology
• crafting altar/shrines as aesthetic space
• connection with the gods through prayer
• sense of place/deep ecology (sense of belonging in and to the world)
• sharing sense of wonder/gratitude with others through spiritual work

Intangibles:

• enchantment
• insight
• inspiration
• intimacy
• groundedness and centeredness
• connection
• mystery
• love
• joy
• gratitude
• peace
• belonging
• balance

Keyword:

• Love
• Wonder

Since I have been doing more work with the tarot and delving back into some more "witchy" and ceremonial aspects of magic, I've been playing more recently with the pentagram as a symbol. I've always been intrigued by the Feri Tradition's use of the Iron and Pearl Pentacle meditations, though I haven't actually practiced them myself, not being Feri. I'm pretty sure that the basic concept of embodying the pentagram physically in yourself, with points corresponding to your crown and four limbs, is found in many different traditions, though the Feri Tradition's use of this technique is the one I'm most familiar with. In any case, I'm playing with the idea of using this Life Balance/Soul-Centric Self work to craft a personal pentacle meditation that will help me ground in these key attributes and invite them more deliberately into my life. So I spent some time drawing a simple pentacle diagram with the keywords at each of the points.


Needless to say, this plunged me into the complex issue of which elements/aspects correspond to which points, and why. Turns out, this question is weirdly complicated. I don't feel like I know enough about it at the moment, and it may take some experimentation on my part to figure out which version I like best. But for now, I just went with the most common correspondences (which I'm pretty sure derive originally from the Golden Dawn).

So that's where I'm at.

Tarot In-Depth: Fool Tarot Reading

From Pollack's Tarot Wisdom, the card positions in the spread:

1. How have I been a Fool in my life?
2. How has it helped me?
3. How has it hurt me?
4. Where in my life for I need to be more Foolish?
5. Where will the Fool not serve me?
6. Where do I find the Fool outside myself?
7. What gifts does it bring me?

There were no notes on the layout of the spread, so I determined a spread that made the most sense to me. Reading from left to right, rather than vertical, since I find those easier to work with on a practical level — I separated the Fool card out of the deck and set it to the side first, then laid out the cards in order, with (1) being the closest to the Fool card, then (2) and (4) being paired as positive aspects (above) and (3) and (5) being paired as negative or harmful aspects (below), coming back together again for (6) and (7).

I tried to read this layout somewhat intuitively, without reference to any books, in part to help me get better at doing in-the-moment readings, and in part because I want the Fool energy to be pervasive throughout and I didn't necessarily want to get bogged down with complex interpretations of the other cards.

My interpretation...

Where have I been a Fool in my life? Art/Temperance (XIV) — Seeking that point of balance, the blending or reconciliation of opposites, sometimes leading to paradox or contradiction — on the one hand, recognizing these paradoxes as internal aspects of myself, while on the other hand, working to manifest them in the world through mixing and mingling, working with the forces in tension in the world around me. This reflects the aspect of the Fool that is both active and passive, at the zero-point in the center of all things and also the active movement that moves on a journey through life. This card might also be suggesting that I see the Fool primarily through the lens of Temperance, this balancing of opposites.

How has it helped me? Eight of Cups — A certain amount of restlessness, leaving behind the carefully constructed and contained life to seek elsewhere, to return to the "source" so to speak. The activity and enthusiasm of the Fool has helped me to avoid stagnation, continuing to provoke my curiosity. There might be a certain sense of "divine dissatisfaction" here, with the Fool always ready to go off with only a small pack, leaving behind his old life to seek out a new one.

How has it hurt me? Eight of Pentacles — At the same time, this restless energy and tendency to always be seeking a new life might prevent me from settling down comfortably to do the steady, necessary work or to cultivate and enjoy the fruits of my labor. The Fool isn't exactly the type to "settle down and get a job."

The two eights that are paired here suggest a tension bound up in stability or stagnation — the tension of two that naturally gives rise to movement pulling against the stability of four that tends to ground things, pin them down. The Fool has helped me, on an emotional level, by nurturing my curiosity and keeping me engaged — and also perhaps letting me let go of old emotions or psychological states that no longer serve me (maybe in this way it might be "foolish" to forgive old hurts, for instance). On a material or physical level, though, the Fool's tendency to always look for something new might undermine my desire to establish myself, find some stability and bring my work to full fruition in the physical world.

Where in my life do I need to be more Foolish? The Magician (I) — My first instinct in interpreting this card is that it is "foolish" to believe in magic, let alone try to be a magician. This might be suggesting, then, that I could stand to be a little bit more trusting, innocent, enthusiastic and active in my approach to magical work (or any creative work of manifestation) — and that being more open will help me connect with and understand the elements of the world on a deeper level.

Where will the Fool not serve me? The High Priestess (II) — Inner wisdom and mystery, the initiation that comes from parting the veil between the worlds. I find this card difficult to interpret in this position. Perhaps to a certain extent this card suggests that the Fool's more negative or harmful tendency to undermine order and structure, and to turn everything to ash with irony and ridicule, might not serve me well in developing my inner wisdom and intuition. Maybe a tendency towards cynicism and mockery, brought to bear on the inner life, can jeopardize the process that leads to this internal initiation into the mysteries. (Or perhaps this card just indicates that the Fool is not much concerned with what the high priestess represents. The Fool does not "serve" the high priestess, and does not have anything much to do with her work, either through provoking curiosity or exposing chaos...?)

Where do I find the Fool outside myself? Wheel of Fortune (X) — The ever-turning wheel of chance and its unpredictability. Our inability to control "fate," or coincidence, and how it can sometimes seem arbitrary and ridiculous and chaotic. I find the Fool outside myself in the endless turning cycles that seem to lift up some and topple others, ensuring that nothing remains stagnant, everything is interconnected and cycles back in an on-going process. The chaos and unpredictability of the Fool is represented here, but also the energy and curiosity involved with discovering what is new and different about life. I also think it's interesting to have the wheel here by a gear, rather than a wheel of transportation (like a wagon wheel), since this echoes my thoughts on the Fool not only as the empty space in the center around which the wheel turns, but also the empty spaces between the gears that are always moving and turning, as these spaces allow the gears to turn and interlock with each other, they make the whole process possible.

What gifts does it bring me? Six of Swords — Curiosity and exploration, especially as related to the rational, inquisitive mind. The gift of the Fool (especially as it manifests outside myself, I think) is the impetus to always be exploring and discovering new things about the world as circumstances continually change and new possibilities are always arising. There's a sense of completion, on the one hand, but not necessarily of culmination that brings things to a close — instead, there's a glimpse of wholeness that is still part of an on-going process as the cycle continues. It's like a foot that touches the ground in the middle of a run, rather than two feet planted firmly as the person stands still: the next foot is already in the air again, moving forward to the next thing.

Other patterns: It's interesting that so many Major Arcana cards appear, especially in prominent positions. In cards (1), (6) and (7) there is the repeated imagery of the wheel or circle in one way or the other — the Wheel of Fortune being the most obvious, but also the spiraling yin-yang symbol of Temperance and the sword-spoked wheel in the Six of Swords. Interestingly, the symbol of the circle or wheel also appears in a more subtle way in cards (2) and (4), as the full moon above the ocean in the Eight of Cups, and the ouroboros encircling the occult designs and sigils etched into the starry night sky above the Magician. On the other hand, in the High Priestess, the moon is a crescent, an incomplete circle (I think a waxing crescent, just after sunset), which might give a hint as to why the Fool "will not serve" in this particular aspect — if the Fool is a figure of innocence that takes the world at face value, this might suggest that this energy will not serve in exploring what is hidden or shrouded in shadow, only partly illuminated or manifested. Maybe this is the aspect of the Fool's card, stepping off the cliff without taking into account what is unseen (the future, the potential danger).

Storyteller Spread Day 7: Dragons

I'm on Day 7 of using Dianne Sylvan's Storyteller spread, today pulling the card for the seventh position, representing The Dragon.

The Dragon is the card that represents the central issue or challenge at the heart of the entire journey or quest - the main obstacle that the hero will face along her path, the challenge that she has been called upon all along through dream and vision to rise to meet. It's the "Big Bad" - what needs to be confronted, overcome, understood and integrated in order for the hero to move forward and obtain the key and treasure which she will bring back to her home and her community at the end of the quest.

For this card, I drew the Two of Wands. I find this interesting - Wands have appeared consistently as a very important suit throughout this meditative work, but this is the first time that a card of that suit has actually appeared in a primary position in the spread. The Two of Wands depicts a courageous leader perched atop a cliff, seated astride a powerful lion, gazing out across the lands that stretch away below her. She has worked hard to attain this success and authority over the lands she now rules, and she has had to embody not only self-discipline and dedication but also boldness, courage, willingness to take risks. Yet now, the place she finds herself in is somewhat isolated and isolating - her authority and success has effectively raised her above others and kept her separate and apart. There is an ambivalence and duality in this card that must be confronted, contemplated and weighed in the balance. The polarity of Two can give rise to balance, harmony and the kind of in-tune tension that sings when played well - but it can also create harmful tension, stress and unhealthy dualism that results in division and strife.

This card to me seems to speak directly to the task I have before me: the biggest challenge will be handling the success, and what it will demand of me in terms of work and commitment, courage and bravery. Success in this initiative is a mixed blessing, as it will undoubtedly require a great deal of time and energy to keep it going. Perhaps I also have a fear of such success, for the ways in which it might beholden me to others and "lock me in" to a structure that might not suit me in the long run, or simply not be flexible enough.

Yet the polarity of two, and the emphasis on balance in the last several cards, seems to suggest also that this is a challenge that I can overcome, that I can face with grace and learn how to handle adeptly given enough time and practice (and patience!). The two supporting cards I drew were The World (XXI) and The Emperor (IV) - once again, it seems that there are incredibly powerful spiritual forces at play in what might on the surface seem to be a fairly mundane, small matter of a job. The images of the World and Emperor seem to echo each other in important ways - both figures hold a sphere or globe of light, both figures stand before a circular background that seems to encompass the all of everything, both figures even where horned headdresses. This last point might not be all that important, but it strikes me as curious. The horns of the Emperor - being two - seem to reflect the two wands of the primary card; whereas the horned headdress of the World figure has only a single horn curving away from her forward, almost like a unicorn's horn, and this to me suggests a more unified, holistic approach or worldview. The circular backgrounds of the cards echo each other - but while the background of the World card seems to have grown organically from the living greenery around her, the background of the Emperor is carved in stone, a symbolic throne depicting his dominion over all things and his bringing order to chaos in a deliberate, controlled way that is distinct from the organic, emergent order that grows up in the World card. And while the World figure seems to cradle her sphere of light in her arms, resting her forehead lightly against it as if communing, the Emperor holds his sphere squarely and purposefully between his two hands, almost as though he is pressing and molding it into shape. All these comparisons generally reflect the differences between the cards' meanings: the Emperor is a card of structure and rulership, authority and sovereignty in a more mundane political sense - while the World is a card of harmonious, natural order and beauty emerging from the chaotic flow of nature with whom the World figure communes on a deeper, more intuitive, more receptive level.

Yet these two cards also hold a lot in common, as I already pointed out, suggesting that they aren't necessarily irreconcilable opposites to each other. The figure in the Two of Wands card faces towards the Emperor and away from the World, who faces out to the left away from the other two cards in a kind of private moment of her own. This seems to me to suggest that part of the challenge will be m tendency to focus too much on the structure and order involved in the hard work to bring my project initiative to fruition, and that this may prove very difficult for me. On the other hand, learning to integrate a more relaxed "go with the flow" attitude may help me to integrate these energies better. The World figure doesn't just face away from the structure and ruling order of the Emperor, but she faces towards all of the cards in the spread that have come before - including the cards representing the motivating vision (the gift of intuitive wisdom and fanciful day-dreaming in the Ace of Cups), the skills of calmness and hope that I carry with me, the map that guides along the middle way, and the sword that balances opposites and brings them together to create life and dynamic beauty. Perhaps most important of all is the place where the journey began, the Nine of Cups. The World faces all of these, seeming to suggest that in order to overcome this challenge of discipline and order - and to do so without losing my sense of joy and spontaneity that will make the work fulfilling - I will have to remember the motivations and visions and dreams of the past, and carry those with me, following their example at times.

Perhaps not a very scary dragon on the face of it - but I find myself nervous about whether or not I'll be able to rise to that challenge. Trusting in the support and natural, emergent, beautiful order of the universe to carry this work along (like the seeds cast to the wind!).... that's what gives me hope and helps me stay calm. There's no doubt that, either way, this is very important soul-work.

Storyteller Spread Day 6: Sword

I'm on Day 6 of using Dianne Sylvan's Storyteller spread, today pulling the card for the sixth position, representing The Sword.

The Sword represents a skill, asset or strength that the hero discovers during her completion of the Task set forth by the elder (in Card 4). It signifies a potentially overlooked issue that will have an important impact on the outcome of the quest and the hero's ability to face the Dragon (in Card 7).

The primary card I drew for this position was Temperance (XIV), the first major arcana card in a primary position in the spread. This card represents balance and harmony between opposites - a dynamic relationship that creates tension and movement and ultimately an incorporation of the two into a healthy integrity. While either opposite can become destructive and overwhelming when isolated on its own, together they form a whole that is larger than either one alone, that "includes and transcends" without subsuming or quashing either.

Though the meaning of Temperance leapt out at me immediately, I'm not sure exactly how it fits into the larger journey - though it does seem like balancing opposites that are in tension with each other has been the theme for the past couple drawings. Card 4, the Page of Pentacles, had major arcana cards as its two supporting cards, each facing inward to support the primary card, and each representing one of the aspects of the Page of Pentacles in a refined and heightened form (the Fool, the energy and youth and eagerness of the Page, and the Hierophant, the earthiness and structure of the Pentacles, each expressed as spiritual urges). Card 5, the Nine of Pentacles, seemed to suggest a "middle way," marrying the spiritual and the material world, creating a dynamic communion between free-spirited creativity and serious self-discipline; its two supporting cards, the Four of Wands and the Knight of Swords, faced outward away from each other, suggesting distractions along the path pulling in opposite directions, towards frivolous freedom and fleeting energy on the one hand and an overemphasis on the intellect and "being right" on the other. So it seems that the Temperance card is illustrating how important it will be for me to find a healthy, dynamic balance between opposites that might otherwise threaten to pull me off track in various directions - and yet, it also seems to say that if I can discover that balance, I will also be able to create a spaciousness within which I can center and find respite and poise when I need it.

The two supporting cards I pulled seem to reinforce this lesson of balancing opposites: the Ace of Wands and the Nine of Wands. Both within the same suits, and once again both cards facing in towards each other and towards the central, primary card - the ace and the nine seem to illustrate opposing energies each being brought in to serve a single purpose. On the one hand, you have the gift of new initiatives, new energy and new activity as represented by the Ace; on the other hand, you have the Nine with its suggestion of completion and, in this case, an emphasis on vigilance and continued discipline in order to keep one's strength and purpose clear. This spread seems to suggest to me, over all, that a successful balance of energies means both being open to new possibilities and initiatives, while also being on guard and careful about how to move forward. Constantly taking on new projects can lead to burn out and frivolousness, but being too careful can lead to stagnation and boredom - so a balance between the two is necessary. Both openness, and vigilance. Sounds a great deal like the concept of attention and attending that I have meditated on before, the open attentiveness of attending to (and upon) the world around us - which itself stretches us and challenges us in new ways. The fact that these two cards are of the same suit and are facing towards one another and towards the central primary card of Temperance seems to me to say that these opposites are things that can be integrated and held in relationship with one another.

Since much of this meditative work has focused on the direction my career seems to be heading, I think this is once again emphasizing the importance of balance between discipline and creativity, organization and joyful enthusiasm, that I'll need to find to make this work enjoyable and successful. This is true both for the podcast and the volunteer naturalist work. It's a lesson that is so important for people who are self-employed or work from home, I think, because it's so easy to fall out of balance when you're not subject to anyone else's oversight - either driving yourself too hard, or cutting yourself too much slack. Today is a good example. I began the day feeling somewhat exhausted, but my energy seemed to gather towards the afternoon and I felt in a good mood - but for some reason, after dinner I began to feel increasingly dissatisfied and anxious, though for no clear or particular reason.... though I think largely it had to do with me slightly freaking out - again - over how much work two podcast shows a week might turn out to be, and worries over not being able to find a good rhythm and balance to the work. It seems like this card is counseling me to relax a bit and trust in my ability to find that balance, so long as I keep the importance of balance in mind - and perhaps make sure that I make time to ground, center and attend regularly. Obviously, balancing my physical needs with my spiritual and emotional needs is going to be an issue, too, and perhaps regular spiritual meditation in the mornings will play an important role in maintaining balance and keeping my energy and optimism up. After all, the major arcana card does suggest that this is something going on at a deeper level than mere "mundane" reality but also involve the realm of the soul/spirit. The image of the card pretty closely reflects the actual Three Realms meditation that I perform regularly, and I did notice when trying to enter a deeper meditative state to reflect on the card that it was difficult for me to hold my concentration. I got a brief glimpse of the swirling sphere of opposites, and a vague sense of the angel Temperance handing me an actual sword that had a double-edge that shone in two reflected colors and vibrated in a way that create a beautiful song (like a singing bowl, almost). The vibration seemed to come from holding the sword still and perfectly balanced before me, almost like a torch or sword of light.

So balancing the spiritual and the physical may just be the important but overlooked issue that will play the biggest part in how this whole journey plays out and how I eventually face the Dragon to come.

Storyteller Spread Day 5: Map

I'm on Day 5 of using Dianne Sylvan's Storyteller spread, today pulling the card for the fifth position, representing The Map.

This card represents the Map, one of two gifts or boons earned upon overcoming the challenge set forth in the previous card, the Task. The Map gives the hero a clearer vision of her journey to come, helping her to orient herself and see the big picture - it is similar to the Dream card drawn earlier in the spread, except that whereas the Dream gives her a vision of her own motivation and calling, the Map gives a broader perspective so that she understands the route her journey will take to get her to her final confrontation with the Dragon.

The card I drew for this position in the spread was the Nine of Pentacles, a very positive card in almost all respects. The card represents a balancing of spiritual and material fulfillment, and a joining of spiritual needs and expression with physical manifestation in the material world. This card depicts an artist at her piano, playing upon an instrument that is itself grown living among the trees of the forest. Her spiritual being is in communion with her material being, and through that communion she creates her beautiful music as the golden spirals of the nature that surround her express the spiritual essence and perfection that lies within all things. This card represents material well-being and refinement, yes, but it also indicates that such things are intricately connected to and expressions of the spiritual work of seeking balance and creating beauty. There is wholeness and fulfillment, as well as movement and growth in this card, and the balance of these is what brings the material and spiritual into communion with one another. Ultimately, this is a card of appreciation for the wealth (spiritual and material) that we already possess in abundance, and a discovery of the deep value and worth of one's own self and soul, one's own place and work.

To me, this card suggestions that the broader purpose or direction of my journey is to find a path towards meaningful, fulfilling work that will also provide stability in the material realm, so that I can more fully embrace the richness of life on all levels of being. I have struggled with finding spiritually fulfilling work that also could realistically provide for my physical needs - this suggests that my journey will take me in that direction, with very good results. The fact that this card depicts a figure playing a piano that is a living part of nature reminds me immediately of both my podcasting work (the auditory quality of the music and speaking) as well as my work as a volunteer naturalist engaging with people out in the natural world and showing them the beauty of the World Song.

I also drew two supporting cards, which were the Four of Wands and the Knight of Swords. These cards face outward from the center, in opposite directions, so that their energies seem to disperse the energy of the central card (whose main figure actually has her back to the viewer and, thus, to the two other cards). For me, this layout seems to suggest that these are potential pitfalls or distractions along the way - especially when thinking about the layout as a physical map with the "middle path" of balance between. The Four of Wands is full of energy and joy and fulfillment, but it is a happiness that is in some sense fleeting, a passing moment of celebration in the midst of a continuing process. The card suggests to me that there is a danger in trying to grasp too tightly to a constant state of joy and celebration while eschewing the necessary work - almost as though the Four of Wands indicates the pitfall of being too frivolous and easily led on a chase for the next exciting thing. The Knight of Swords, on the other hand, is a bit more intense and perhaps even severe - full of power and bluster, riding the whirlwind, he might be a bit too ruthless and rash, especially in his language and the use of his intellect. This suggests to me an alternate way in which I might stray from the middle path - becoming too bent upon being "right" or too competitive. It seems like this is the kind of card that might represent the way in which I strayed from the journey towards meaningful, fulfilling work before: getting too caught up in arguments and debates, especially wars-of-words online with trolls, to the point where I felt frustrated and sick to death of trying to say anything for fear that it would stir up controversy or pick a fight I didn't have the energy to engage.

On the other hand, both of these cards also have positive aspects that can be incorporated into the "middle way" of the primary card. The Four of Wands has an energy and enthusiasm and a definite sense of joy, all of which are reflected in a subtle and refined way in the Nine of Pentacles. The Nine of Pentacles also seems to incorporate the self-discipline and strength of the Knight of Swords, whose sword "shines like a beacon" and allows him to cut through a lot of red tape with passion and enthusiasm. So although these energies in their extremes might be distracting, together they offer some support - if the main goal or aim of the journey is kept in mind.

That's my interpretation, anyway. All in all, very positive and helpful. (I also notice that I've ceased to draw the Eight of Wands practically every time now that our first podcast episode is up and the website is officially launched. I guess those seeds have been scattered for the winds to carry!)

Saturn Return: Weekly Meditation

Saturn is a planet of limitations and boundaries, placed at the threshold between the inner planets that reflect the energies and influences of everyday reality and the outer planets that reflect the energies and influences of cosmic cycles and forces. Saturn is a planet of authority, the sphere that circumscribes our life and sometimes leave us feeling trapped or hedged in by our limitations - but it is also a planet that helps us discover and understand our limits and, in so doing, become our own truest authority, the author of our own lives.

In my natal chart, Saturn is in Libra, a sign of balance and relationship. When we try to go to extremes in one direction or another, we run up against the flaws and limitations of those extremes, sometimes finding ourselves even worse off than before. But in bringing extremes into balance and harmonious relationship with each other - even if they seem to be opposites - we can find a new resonance that opens us up to whole new possibilities. The lesson of Saturn is not transcendence, but integration, and this is what it is exalted in the sign of Libra, where integrity can take the form of balance and a "middle way" between extremes.

What extremes do I recognize in my life right now?

• Productivity and Passivity - In my career, I feel challenged to "accomplish" something and make something of myself, to do something extraordinary with my life that will change the world. Emphasizing productivity in this way, I often end up focusing on the negative - what's wrong with the world that needs changing, and everything I should be doing to "fix" things. (Or, simpler than that, just neat ideas that "someone ought to do" that I then feel like I should pursue just for the sake of it being done.) But this focus leaves me feeling overwhelmed and even helpless. I get tired out quickly just thinking about everything I want to do or think I should do (or even just wondering what I possibly might do), and so much of the time I swing back towards the opposite extreme of passivity, procrastination and lethargy. I waste time on frivolous things for entertainment and distraction. Because I imagine that any work great enough to change the world must be complicated and difficult, I avoid doing things that seem too simple or clear-cut. (It's difficult for me to even do this exercise, because part of me thinks that it's all very obvious and so must be a waste of time.) But again, avoiding simple tasks gives me an excuse to procrastinate on the bigger tasks, abstracting them into monumental deeds that I never feel up to tackling - and the result of inactivity and complete lack of productivity.
• Socializing and Isolation - In my personal life, I spend a huge amount of time alone, even more than when I was living by myself but still working a waitressing job four days a week. Most of the day I sit at home on the computer while Jeff works downstairs, and we only have a chance to socialize once a week (sometimes less). On the other hand, this alone time isn't the kind of solitude that really nourishes me - it only leaves me feeling isolated and constrained, cut off from everyone else. Sitting at home all day (in a house that never quite felt "homey"), I don't connect to the space in relationship; I also rarely go out on my own to go hillwalking or just walking the neighborhood like I used to. Because Jeff is in the house all day, I look to him for a sense of connection and company instead of trying to cultivate it for myself (but of course, he's working and so can't really provide it). I also turn to the online community to find connection - but again, this is a shallow and false kind of connection that focuses a lot on negativity (people complaining about everything that's wrong) when it's not overtly competitive (the popularity contest of the internet world). So even when I spend most of my time alone, I end up feeling worn out by the "noise" that prevents me from finding real solitude.
• Bingeing and Neglect - Another place where there's been a new "extreme" cropping up is in my relationship with food. I'm not sure exactly what the causes of this might be (other than stress and bad habits), but these days I feel like I'm often fighting off cravings for unhealthy/junk foods but rarely experiencing actual hunger for healthy foods around mealtimes. I'll sleep in too late and more often than not will skip breakfast completely; then later, crave sweets or fatty foods as snacks in between meals or afterwards for dessert. Eating too late (or for the sake of something to do or as a reward from stressful "productivity") means staying up rather later than is good and not feeling very hungry in the morning. And so the cycle begins again. One cause of this might be to self-medicate stress from the pressure I put on myself. Another might be my feeling of disconnection and isolation that leads to frustration, leaving me swinging between neglecting to eat altogether and then stuffing my face to get that calorie rush.

How can I transform these into relationships of balance, in which I recognize my limitations and work in harmony with them instead of fighting against them?

• Creativity and Receptivity - I wrote about this a little bit before: changing the way I think about my work by focusing on creativity rather than productivity. The cards I pulled tonight showed the Ten of Wands and the Eight of Wands. In one, the woman bends over, burdened with the huge weight of a full-grown tree that supports an entire village. In the other, a woman (perhaps the same woman) stands upright and eager on an outcropping of rock, blowing dandelion seeds away from her open palm to be caught in the wind. I think these cards illustrate an important difference between creativity and productivity. Creativity might be represented by the seeds - light as air and holding great potential within them, creativity lets those seeds loose to be carried by the currents of the wind and take root where they may. The person letting the seeds loose doesn't necessarily have any control over or responsibility for where those seeds finally land; she is involved in something much bigger than herself. The woman in the Ten of Wands is involved in something much bigger than herself, too, but in her case she's taken the world upon herself and has made herself essential to it, for better or worse. She has a lot of control, but that control has become a heavy burden for her - she's taken on too much, too concerned for the end product, the full grown tree, rather than the seeds. Moving to a healthier, more harmonious relationship in this case might mean I need to focus on creativity as a way of planting seeds (process, not product), while also being receptive to what the winds will bring and the relationship I have with a larger world that's beyond my control.
• Company and Solitude - I think it would be helpful to reframe this issue as one about company and solitude, rather than "socializing" and isolation. These are no longer mutually exclusive - in true solitude, I have the freedom and space I need to be my own true self and, in that way, connect to the world around me in all its being and particulars. In company, I carry that solitude with me so that I am not overwhelmed or swept up by other people's feelings or opinions, and connecting with society becomes less noisy and frustrating. Accomplishing this might not be easy, as a lot of it depends on bad habits. Maybe some ideas to help: When seeking solitude, I can ask myself if I have a sense of freedom and spaciousness, or if something is constraining me or my actions. I can challenge myself to do things that will nourish me or engage me physically or emotionally even if no one else is around (including Jeff). I can spend some time contemplating the kind of company I would like to keep if I could hang out with anyone in the world, and spend time imagining how I might seek out that company or be that kind of company for others. I can make more attempts to go out and meet other people (no excuses! stop saying, "well, but we have such busy schedules, and we're going to be moving soon anyway so what's the point?"!!). And I can definitely spend less time on "social networking" sites online (already doing this and it's already helping).
• Sacramental Eating and Fasting - This one I'm the least sure about, but I know that I really appreciated the insights in John's latest NUP piece on sacramental eating. One step I can take is to restore mealtimes to sacred rituals - in particular, breakfast (as a time to nourish myself and begin my day), and dinner. Trying to avoid being on the computer or watching television during mealtimes would be helpful. Paying better attention to what I'm eating and making sure there are healthy snacks in the house so that I'm not falling back on junk when I get mid-day cravings. Perhaps every once in a while, spending some time on a deliberate, mindful fast might also help restore my relationship with food. I think in general, I need to give up this notion that Jeff and I can share a diet plan - that kind of controlling attitude towards food sends me back into the cycle of "productivity" and passivity where trying to exercise control becomes too much of a burden and so I start to make excuses to slip up. Instead, treating mealtimes as special family rituals might go some ways in restoring balance without turning eating into one more project that I can potentially fail at. This is perhaps what the final card in my reading, the Ace of Cups, might indicate: going back to the very beginning, where nourishment and replenishment is a gift and a source of life and connection.

These are all my thoughts for now. Hopefully I can work on some of these during the week. Ideally, I'd like to be able to do a simple ritual to represent some of these intentions and help me integrate them into my life. The next full moon is on Thursday, November 10, so it would be nice to have a simple ritual to do by then - I can spend the next two weeks thinking a bit about what I'd like to do.

The Astrology of Me, New Year Edition

More insight from the stars about the coming year. Jeff says during 2011, Jupiter and Uranus move into my 6th House (Jupiter and Uranus do funky things for everyone this coming year, bringing intense energies with their conjunction, but which house they appear in will depend on each person's individual natal chart). What does this mean? Jeff explains:

Jupiter is kingship, power, will; Uranus is trickster, surprise, sudden collapse, anti-heirarchy.  The two together are like a trickster-king.  So imagine this trickster-king moving into your life in the realm of health, work, daily routine, etc. It could manifest in many different ways.

For Jeff, Jupiter and Uranus will be doing their star-studded dance in his 3rd house, "which is communications and mental activity. It might be a super-big project at work, some new relationship I [Jeff] have to navigate, or something."



He also sent me a link to a fascinating article, in which the author, Dana Gerhardt, discusses the effects of the 6th house in more detail. She writes:

The 6th refers to daily time and how we spend it. Here most of us defer to the cultural norm—which is to do time mechanically. We fill it with productive activity: We work. Most of us have no choice. This could indeed be the “bad fortune” the ancients were talking about! However, most of us would admit that working is not entirely bad. There is something in us that likes a regular structure in our days. Studies have shown that the most depressed individuals are not the ones who have nine-to-five jobs, but the ones who don't—the unemployed, the infirm, the retired—those who have nowhere to go and nothing to do. The ancients said that action-oriented Mars “joys” in this house. Our 6th house likes to be in motion.

Gerhardt goes on to explore how we can cope with and compensate for the heightened energies of the 6th house:

Merriman was suggesting that to balance the 6th, we should look to its opposing house, the 12th. This is the house belonging to the invisible world. It is Neptune’s territory. To keep Mercury’s efficiency in proper measure, we can evoke more Neptune—imagination, spirituality, the unconsciousness of dream. Just as our dreams carry images from our days, we might allow our days to remember images from our dreams.

Jung teaches there are two roots to psychological disease: the gods we forget to honor and the gods we overdo. Too much of Mercury’s “doing” without Neptune’s “floating in the empty spaces” makes "stress" a common 6th house syndrome. When Neptune is forgotten, this uninvited and quietly vengeful guest lies in wait, to throw us under his spell. Driving the freeway home, we suffer brief comas, waking up just minutes before the off-ramp arrives. We forget why we opened the refrigerator or entered the bedroom. Our bodies working like efficient machines, we go numb to the day. When we lose touch with our present, we fall prey to addictions. It's dishonored Neptune who puts the drink, the cigarette, the remote control in our hands.

She continues:

What I discovered was that most people move through the day in the style of their Ascendant. I’ve got Virgo rising, which means I adore planning, making schedules and lists. "An hour for Tibetan prayers, another for reading, then onto my work," I’ll tell myself. But then there are phone calls, emails to answer, the electrician who doesn’t come when he said he would. Aquarius is on my 6th house cusp. Aquarius more accurately describes the unpredictable rhythms that I meet. Despite my best intentions, my Virgo plans usually break down. If the chart describes one’s daily rhythm, its formula goes more like this: The Ascendant shows how you want the day to happen. The 6th describes how it actually does.

My Ascendant is in Libra, and my 6th house edge is in Aries. When I asked Jeff what this might mean for me, he explained that, "This means you want a measured day, balanced energies and all; but what you get is a day full of passion and energy that may sometimes careen out of control." That does sound like me. When I asked him about balancing my 6th house with my 12th, he continued:

You have a Libra 12th, with the Moon in it.  This means that your emotions often come from somewhere you can't identify - they arise and disappear rather mysteriously - but they're not random; they're direct connections with Spirit, which knows more about what's going on than you do.

He says that I tend to follow Gerhardt's advice quite well already. I may begin the day with a plan, but I hold it loosely and if emotionally I feel "called" to some other work, I usually follow that leading and go. Still, this has become an increasing struggle for me lately, and in some ways it's refreshing to have this interpretation of astrological events serving as both an affirmation of the patterns I've been perceiving, and a reminder about how best to handle these greater currents sweeping through my life.



How long can I expect this to go on? Jeff tells me:

Right now they're slowly approaching Aries. They're still in Pisces, but they're close to your 6th house and almost conjunct, so - yes, you should already be feeling the effects.

It's something rather long-term. Jupiter will be in your 6th house for about a year, and Uranus for several years. There will probably be a lot of the energy this year, especially in the spring, and then as Jupiter moves on past Uranus things will settle down.

More specifically:

Jupiter enters your 6th house on Feb 2nd.  Uranus will enter your 6th house right around the middle of April.  ...  Actually, now that I look at the actual dates, it looks like the influence is probably strongest very soon:  Tuesday of next week!  After that, Jupiter moves very fast and leaves Uranus behind, and by May Jupiter is already on to your 7th house.  So...  as far as Jupiter is concerned, not such a long-term thing.

Uranus will stick around for a few years, but its main effect will just be to make your daily schedule unpredictable.  Uranus in the 6th house can indicate major health issues, but usually only in people who have other major problems (like high stress or whatever).

Meditations on Brigid: Goddess of Healing

Brigid, Goddess of Healing, I trust you completely in hoping you will forgive me for my fatigue tonight and my wish to retire to bed early. For now — what aspect of yourself do you wish to reveal to me for further contemplation and exploration during my dreams and in my waking hours this weekend?

Justice (XI): A symbol of balance, equilibrium and harmony, the scales balanced, the connections interweaving the inner and outer worlds, the conscious with the unconscious, are laid open to be weighed and reckoned. The sword of discernment and honest, objective analysis allows us to see ourselves in the light of truth, revealing our failures and flaws and enabling us to compensate for them, balance them (or perhaps seek forgiveness for them). The patterns of interconnection and choice lead us to this point, this moment of truth, when we see in the full light of day how our past actions have led to our current situation, and how these actions ripple outward to affect others.

Justice rests not in guilt and punishment, but in the true of relationship and balance. In this way, it becomes an expression of healing and harmony, the redress of wrongs to restore right relationship. Truth reveals the patterns of things, and critical analysis and a willingness to see ourselves from others' perspectives open to us the potential to heal old wounds and soften the scars of misunderstanding or poor judgement. Physical health, too, demands a kind of dispassionate justice towards our bodies, treating them with respect and care, seeking a harmonious and balanced relationship with the physical world not solely ruled by our cravings and desires.

Praise to you, Brigid, Goddess of Healing and Harmony, wise sword-bearer, blade sharpened with the breath of your truth and insight, cutting away the bonds of disease and imbalance that restrict and unbalance us. My gratitude for your beautiful, loving presence in my life.

Awen.