Days of Note: Saturn crosses Ascendent
Sun: sagittarius (mutable fire), 7:26 AM - 4:54 PM
Moon: *waxing gibbous, aries (cardinal fire)
Earth: cold, in the mid-to-low 40s most of the day, starting out quite sunny but then fading to gray, cloudy weather; not that I would know, as I spent pretty much all day inside working on various things, but mostly writing
Last night I had a dream that my aunt Tricia, who works from home as a baker of wonderful homemade cakes, cookies and pies, etc., had decided that she wanted to quit baking and go into taxidermy. (Apparently, this dream was probably inspired by a scene from an episode of X-Files that Jeff and I watched together last night, which I was only half paying attention to at the time and must have gotten into my subconscious.) Anyway, in the dream, my aunt decided she really wanted to be a taxidermist, she was fascinated by it. But the only tools she knew how to use were things like blenders and egg beaters. I have some vague visual impression in my mind of some poor animal carcass being tamped down into the thin, tapering container of a blender, the lid fitted on nicely and the switch flipped, resulting in that lovely whirring and the spinning of blood and bone and fur and bits all into a uniform pinkish paste.
This might not have anything to do with anything, but I thought I would jot it down.
I started writing this journal entry at 11:11 PM, though I doubt I'll be finished with it until what is technically Sunday morning. I'm wide awake and not feeling the least bit tired - which is indicative of my sleep schedule these days, where sometimes I feel so lethargic I can't pull myself out of bed before 10 AM, and other days I'm awake before dawn (which, as dark as the days are, isn't really that hard anyway) with plenty of energy to spare. This morning, I woke up at around 5 AM and tossed and turned a bit before finally giving up and getting up entirely at about 6:30 AM. Jeff had to leave to get the kids, and I fell back asleep for another few hours, so I suppose it all evened out. We'll see how I am tomorrow morning. (Jeff, who slept downstairs on the futon because he'd been snoring a lot lately, hardly slept at all last night because of various worries about this weekend, so now he's excused and sound asleep despite me still being awake.)
I hadn't planned to do much work today - or rather, I'd planned to at least try to clean and organize the basement some in preparation for our up-coming move. But two of the four kids were sick with some kind of stomach bug (which had them on a bland diet of food, though neither of them really acted all that sick - it was a nice excuse for everyone to stay quiet and relaxed in bed reading or drawing for much of the day), so thoughts of trying to organize some kind of cleaning extravaganza were out. At one point I sat down to check out John's recent post on No Unsacred Place, which was excellent as usual, and that was the kick in the ass I needed to sit down and work on the piece I'd wanted to do for this coming week about the recent news coming out of the science journals about LUCA, the Last Universal Common Ancestor, being a single, planet-sized mega-organism very similar to a "living ocean" of genetic soup. A pretty cool concept. So I spent all day researching various creation myths from different cultures and drawing comparisons between these and the scientific evidence they have for LUCA, pointing out some of the common themes of primordial chaotic waters, a moment when separation and individuation begins to occur, and the idea of a god being dismembered and the parts of his (or her) corpse being used to actually make the world.
So even though I didn't have any time really to do some formal Saturn Return meditation as I'd planned, I ended up doing quite a bit of contemplation on some of those primordial ancient themes about dissolution, death, separation, limitation and the power of form. Some of the Greek myths actually involve Kronos/Saturn himself, so... there's that.
I find myself really connecting to this idea of a common genetic ancestor in the ancient primordial oceans as a living being that is both an ancestor and a god(dess). This just really jives for me. It works well with my more animistic sensibilities which can sometimes shy away from being overly metaphorical or psychological about the gods and would rather rejoice in and celebrate the Actual Sun Right There See There It Is than in some idea of a sun deity in the abstract. On the other hand, though, it also gives some context to Manannan as a "son of the sea" without having to bear the burden of being the literal sea itself. Manannan mac LUCA, perhaps. Manannan has continued to be an important god to me, and I think I've reconciled myself to just him and Brighid for the time being as a working pair who play nicely together. Manannan is a god of the threshold, the liminal space of the mists, the psychopomp who leads the dead into the other realm, the trickster who will turn things upside-down just for the sake of teasing and challenging. I think there are definitely some parallels here between Manannan (and Manawydan from Welsh mythology) and the figure of Saturn. And strangely enough, while I think of Saturn primarily as a planet and, after that, as some kind of psychological archetype and energetic influence, I find it a lot easier to think of Manannan as an actual god, personified, and able to help me with the Saturn Return. I have no sense that he is Kronos/Saturn, any more than Jeff is, say, Commander Samuel Vimes. But the "real" god Manannan has some understanding of the character/nature/influence of the psychological archetype of Saturn and can give me some insight - like we can have a discussion about it and share our perspectives, in the same way Jeff and I can talk about the characters in Pratchett's books and he can give me insight into what it's like to be a father, something I wouldn't know as much about.
One thing that I was reflecting on just now while I was reading and trying to fall asleep was the nature of Saturn's recent transit through my twelfth house in Libra, the sign and house of my natal moon. I think it was Arroyo who said that Saturn can have a lasting influence when passing through the sign and house of the moon, even when it's not in exact or close aspect to the moon itself. I don't remember precisely when transiting Saturn was exactly conjunct my natal moon, but I do know that the moon is associated with a lot of "mommy issues" - coming to terms with the mother's influence in the family and the inner archetype of the mother in the psyche, as well as grappling with ancestral influences of all kinds that have been "inherited" on the psychic or psychological level. With my moon in Libra, I wonder if I have a particular sensitivity to concepts of fairness, justice, balance and beauty being manifested in the role of the mother - whether by myself or by other "mothers" in my life.
Saturn has been transiting my twelfth house for about two years now, I think. It's soon to cross my ascendent and enter my first house. In fact, looking up my chart just now (at 11:48 PM on Saturday, December 3) I see that transiting Saturn is within 13 minutes of my ascendent and the cusp of my first house. So... maybe that's why I'm suddenly feeling a certain amount of energy and clarity around these issues.
Anyway, as I was lying in bed I suddenly saw all the various ways in which the energy and influence of the mother had been manifesting in my life in ways that provoked my anger or frustration over a sense of violated fairness or justice - in particular in my relationship with Jeff's ex-wife and biological mother to my stepchildren, who has consistently attempted to act in the role of controlling "Mama Bear" figure to both me and Jeff as well as the kids. It hit me that I had been grappling with two issues that were often put at odds with one another.
On the one hand, I wanted things to be Fair - both in the sense of being just and balanced, and also beautiful and harmonious. This led me to a lot of conflict on Jeff's behalf when I felt that his rights as a father were being trampled on or ignored, when he didn't get "his fair share" of time with the kids (even when him having more time with them, and the struggle to get and keep that time that was often involved, left both of us feeling worn out, exhausted and stressed). I also made a lot of judgements - emotionally and ethically - about Emily choosing to stay home and be a "mom," even going on to have another child with her new husband, instead of stepping up to be an "equal partner" in both the divorce (by pulling her weight with joint debt from the previous marriage) and in her own new marriage (which, I will be the first to admit, is none of my business, though I sure do have opinions about it). This judgement - and I won't say it was judgmental necessarily, but it was a judgement, certainly - often had me worrying about the kind of example she was setting for the kids, and my own response was to push back - to balance out her example by becoming even more ambitious (Saturn!) in my own role not as a stepmom but as a "career woman" and female adult role model to the kids. This was me pushing back against the figure of the mother - both in external form and my own potential role - and seeking instead another kind of authority. That has Saturn's influence written all over it.
On the other hand, I also had already learned the lesson - which Saturn had helped teach me before - that to find a harmonious balance it is often important to let go, to release certain emotional blockages or stubborn opinions and to give up being the kind of person who has to control every little thing to make sure it all comes out alright. This was a lesson that I actually learned from my own mother, by bad example. Seeking too much control in a world that is by its very nature so much bigger and more complex than you could ever possibly understand is the very recipe for out of control stress and paranoia. This is what happened to my mother to some extent (though I have to admit that in recent years, perhaps because of the change in her career and my brother and I no longer living at home, she does seem to be improving on this in small ways). The whole thing was, in fact, a lesson all about boundaries and limits (hello again, Saturn old friend!), learning to understand the extent of your own control and when not to push beyond them but instead accept them and trust in the greater harmonies of the universe (there's Saturn, straddling that liminal space between the concrete manifestations of the inner planets and the influences of fate and cosmic force of the outer planets). This was a lesson I knew very well, and something that I continued to affirm to myself consciously. But I was completely piss-poor at actually following through and listening to my own better judgement.
So here were two urges that were definitely working at odds to one another. The urge on the one hand to make sure things were fair and just and balanced - and the desire on the other hand not to become like my own mother and like Jeff's ex-wife, both of whom were excellent examples of the immaturity and stress that characterizes a "control freak" who uses their good intentions to justify their paranoid manipulations and micro-management of everyone around them (essentially being a "mother" to everyone and not being able to trust others to do what's fair or harmonious on their own). Confronted with the glaring evidence that Jeff's ex-wife had no interest in being fair - I think mainly simply because she was incapable of stepping outside of her own perspective in order to see how what she wanted was unfair - it was an incredible challenge for me not to respond by trying to control her.
My response, and something I had to work on with Jeff a lot, was a process of affirming our personal boundaries. It took a lot of push-back and a great deal of stress and hard work every time we were confronted with Emily's tendency to act entitled to private information about our lives that were none of her business or to bombard Jeff with unsolicited emails full of advice about issues of which she had little to no actual knowledge. We worked hard, as a couple and equal partners in the matter, to help each cope with that stress and reaffirm our right to establish clear, healthy boundaries. But mostly, it sucked. I've been getting down on myself a lot over the past couple years about my feelings of having failed at this work, or at least of having responded in ways that were not helpful or healthy. And definitely there were times when our attempts to establish strong boundaries crossed the line into an attempt to control or compensate for Emily's disrespectful or manipulative behavior. But looking back now, I actually feel like we did an okay job. One recent change came about when I broke down and asked some folks on an internet forum if they had any resources that might help. One person responded and pointed me to the "Ten Commandments for Low-Contact Parallel Parenting with High-Drama Ex's." (The idea of having a short, authoritative list of simple rules to follow.... yeah, Saturn, you bet.) Jeff and I read this over, saw a lot of ways that we were already following the techniques suggested and a lot of other places where we could improve. So we started following the rules, and we sent a copy of them to Emily asking her to abide by them as well. (This was after we caught her in a bald-faced lie about one of the kids' health issues, which for us was the final straw and, in some ways, a relief that her manipulation could no longer be denied or explained away.... though of course, that didn't stop her from trying.)
That was about two months ago now, I think. Today, Jeremy confronted Jeff when he went to pick up the kids to let him know that two of them weren't feeling well - and for good measure threw in his own two cents about how "this silent treatment isn't having the effect we [Jeff and I] were hoping it would have." The comment had Jeff fuming when he got home, but he and I talked about it and were able to laugh off the continued arrogance and immaturity. I pointed out to him that our stress has definitely gone down and we don't waste nearly as much time in pointless conflict with Emily; meanwhile, we have more energy when we do have the kids and less anxiety over every little issue that might somehow make its way back to us, so our time with them is more enjoyable than it was before. Whatever Jeremy and Emily think, the technique is most definitely doing what we'd hoped it would do on our end. Jeremy simply declaring that it wasn't working - without asking Jeff's feelings on the matter - was just one more example of why the Low-Contact Parenting techniques were a good idea after all.
One of the things that I think was most helpful about the Low-Contact Parenting was that it helped us to recognize when we were crossing the line from "affirming healthy boundaries" to "pushing back and trying to control others." With rules that restrict our email use to only short messages pertaining specifically to the kids themselves and that avoid intentionally provocative language, for instance, we're forced to catch ourselves before we shoot off that obnoxious letter that we secretly hope will smack Emily back into her place and divest her of any delusions she has about our opinion. The rules work because they ask us to turn a critical eye back onto our own behavior and to recognize when we're demanding something that we should probably just not expect given what is and is not within our reasonable ability to control. These rules give us a structure whereby we can learn how to find a balance between our sense of fairness and our need to appreciate our limits. (And I'm using "we" a lot here because it's something Jeff and I have mostly worked on together, but in many ways this is a lot about my own issues.) But all of this only came after we had done the difficult work of establishing boundaries that could safely secure at least a minimum amount of real fairness and equality between Jeff and his ex when it came to the kids - including giving us the legal ground to stand on in order to negotiate for a fair and workable schedule for child custody after our move. If we hadn't done that necessary work of pushing back and establishing boundaries first - especially in Jeff's case, I think - we would have been in a position where an attitude of "it's out of our control" would have left us open to manipulation, exploitation and a certain amount of guilt.
So here I was being hard on myself about how we handled it when, looking back, maybe we did pretty much the best we could given the circumstances. We weren't perfect, but I think we've found some long-term sustainable ways to find that necessary balance and we were able to bring our more unseemly responses into check before they got out of hand and went too far. At least, right now I'm feeling hopeful and optimistic and so that's my present understanding of the situation. I'd love to hear what Jeff thinks of all of this. (He's asleep now - maybe I'll have a chance to talk to him tomorrow about it at some point.) I'm sure his perspective will be a bit different, considering the influences going on in his own chart right now. And maybe I'm completely wrong about this - I'm kind of making it up as I go, really, and he knows more about astrology than I do.
In any case, what began as a day spent contemplating the "primordial mother ocean" has ended up with some pretty startling thoughts about the energies of the moon-as-mother in relation to my Saturn Return. Perhaps leaving the twelfth house and crossing the ascendent means that these issues are be resolved, maybe "coming to light" in a more conscious way now that I'm moving out of the house of mystery and mysticism. I don't know. I hope so. I think it must be a good sign that I just happen to be awake and thinking about this during the time when transiting Saturn is coming into exact aspect with my ascendent. That has to mean something, right? Like my willingness to be awake to this and open to it, to face it instead of just wanting to "go back to sleep" and ignore the lessons. I hope Manannan can help me stay open to the lessons I need to learn, and in the meantime help me to maybe not be quite so hard on myself if things seem like a struggle or I have to work hard. I think it's a really important insight, that coming to terms with our boundaries and limitations (Saturn) is also about learning how to trust in the greater universe. I just read an old tale about Manannan that someone randomly posted online the other day, about a shepherd who is on his way home with his sheep one evening when he runs into Manannan, who teases him about his certainty of the way and pulls down a confusing mist that shrouds his eyes and makes him lose his sheep. After bumbling about in the dark mists all night, Manannan finally relents and lifts the mist, for the shepherd to find that he was only a few yards from home with all his sheep safe and accounted for by his side - and Manannan joking that sometimes he just likes to play a prank for the joy of it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in a similar position - stumbling around in the mist all night only to finally realize once the veil lifts away that I've been close to home all along and in no real danger. But I also have to wonder if maybe, if I didn't bumbled around quite so much and fret quite so loudly (and maybe sometimes comically), if Manannan wouldn't consider me quite so worth his attention. ;)
So with that thought, I'll call it a night.
Showing posts with label waxing gibbous. Show all posts
Showing posts with label waxing gibbous. Show all posts
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Diary
Days of Note: Seakeeping, Moon Conjunct Saturn
Sun: taurus (fixed earth), 6:05am - 8:28pm
Moon: waxing gibbous, libra (cardinal air)
Earth: gray and rainy, milk temperatures, the garden is just beginning to green with the sprouts of onions, carrots, lettuce and peas (and weeds weeds weeds)
That was the invocation I used last night during my meditation to begin my "seakeeping" shift. I am still experimenting with this idea of keeping a shift (staggered with my Flamekeeping shift for Brigid with the TC Cill) in honor of Manannan as a way to connect more deeply with him. One thing I've noticed — and which probably should've been obvious to me from the start — is that I'm finding that a candle is not the most appropriate ritual object to use in this respect. For Brigid, it works well (the blue bowl with the floating golden candle, and the white pillar in the orange-and-red hurricane glass holder both work exceptionally well). For Manannan, I got a large pillar candle of rippling shades of blue (and that smells, supposedly, like the ocean)… but for obvious reasons, it's not serving as a very strong connection to him. I also included on my working altar my blue pitcher full of water, the photograph of an ocean wave in the blue glass and silver wire frame, and the blue-green whelk shell that washed up at my feet on the beach down in North Carolina when we were there last September. I also had my usual incense blend burning.
I admit, I'm not a big ritual tools person. I like having a fairly simple, basic set-up for ritual that I can just rely on each time. Thinking up clever, complex ritual symbolism for each ritual wears me out, especially for fairly simple rituals that I do on a daily or at least fairly regular basis. I tend to be a minimalist in this regard. So having a basic set-up of candle, incense, water and bit of earth is how I usually approach the issue, exchanging out certain objects for others where appropriate. So for instance, I exchange my Brigid candle for my Manannan candle, and the green and purple fluorite sphere for the whelk shell. Incense is the same — just some generic, all-purpose frankincense — and either the blue pitched of water, or the blue bowl full of glitter. Maybe this is lazy of me. When I was in my old apartment, it was easier to do more complex, purpose-specific altar spaces that incorporated various objects. Now, between the cat and the kids, I find it very hard to set up any kind of altar space with any permanence that won't get knocked or handled or treated (by kid and cat alike) as a plaything. It's easier to keep supplies stored away and bring them out whenever I want to do ritual.
But for Manannan's seakeeping shift, I'm finding this approach is just not working well. What I would ideally like to have is some kind of small fountain of running water or at the very least a libation bowl of some kind. During last night's ritual, I held the whelk shell in my hands, attempting to connect with its watery origins. This has worked in the past, but last night fell flat. The shell felt very much a hard, clunky object, not the fluidly crystalline "gateway" it's been before. And all of this might also be due to my lack of disciplined meditation recently, or a whole host of other issues I've been dealing with. I'd like to see if I could arrange a bath this evening — but when the kids are over, they dominate the entire house and its energy shifts decidedly in their restless, noisy direction. I'm not sure deep ritual of any kind is likely while they're around, unless I go out into the woods or somewhere equally solitary.
Do I sound cranky? (Is it because they've been in and out of the house, slamming the door each time, for the last twenty minutes or so?) This weekend is also supposed to be dedicated to some Saturn Return work, with the moon conjunct Saturn at the moment. In general, I'm feeling a bit cranky and distracted. Sinking into meditation feels impossible — like trying to fall asleep despite intermittent noise. That's the thing about intermittent distractions. Constant noise or movement can become part of the background — but distraction that is only intermittent dominates the subconscious, which remains on constant alert for when the next disruption will be. This is why folks who live too close to wind farms say it's a nightmare to try to sleep at night. Not just because the changing atmospheric conditions at night can amplify the noise of the windmills (which it does), but also because the noise is not constant white noise, but comes and goes with the breeze. Some small part of their mind remains in a mode of continued vigilance, in subconscious anticipation of the next unpleasant experience. And as a result, it feels impossible to concentrate — part of the mind's resources are permanently dedicated to that subconscious process. That's often how it feels here on weekends. I never know what to anticipate from the kids, and with four of them, it's almost guaranteed that one of them is going to need something every few minutes. Fiona can be the worst — she'll come to me instead of Jeff thinking that I'll be more lenient or give her permission that her father denied (or, more often these days, try to punish the other kids for not doing what she wants). Just now, in fact, she came in to tell me that Savanah was doing stuff she didn't like, specifically, she was off exploring the garden instead of playing with Fiona.
~
Excellent example. Jeff returned home with Jerilynn, one thing led to another, and it's now three hours or so later, after lunch, that I'm finally able to get back to this (now that the kids are downstairs with Jeff playing Settlers of Catan).
In any case, the day is warm and muggy, and even the walls inside feel somewhat damp to the touch. I'm feeling a little better having eaten, though not fantastic all the same. I'm going to just go ahead and post this because my train of thought was lost. I'd wanted to write a bit more about various projects Jeff and I are working on, but that can wait. Perhaps this evening or tomorrow I'll have another chance to write, as well as do a bit of divination with the cards.
Sun: taurus (fixed earth), 6:05am - 8:28pm
Moon: waxing gibbous, libra (cardinal air)
Earth: gray and rainy, milk temperatures, the garden is just beginning to green with the sprouts of onions, carrots, lettuce and peas (and weeds weeds weeds)
Wave and water,
mist and storm,
I seek Manannan.
That was the invocation I used last night during my meditation to begin my "seakeeping" shift. I am still experimenting with this idea of keeping a shift (staggered with my Flamekeeping shift for Brigid with the TC Cill) in honor of Manannan as a way to connect more deeply with him. One thing I've noticed — and which probably should've been obvious to me from the start — is that I'm finding that a candle is not the most appropriate ritual object to use in this respect. For Brigid, it works well (the blue bowl with the floating golden candle, and the white pillar in the orange-and-red hurricane glass holder both work exceptionally well). For Manannan, I got a large pillar candle of rippling shades of blue (and that smells, supposedly, like the ocean)… but for obvious reasons, it's not serving as a very strong connection to him. I also included on my working altar my blue pitcher full of water, the photograph of an ocean wave in the blue glass and silver wire frame, and the blue-green whelk shell that washed up at my feet on the beach down in North Carolina when we were there last September. I also had my usual incense blend burning.
I admit, I'm not a big ritual tools person. I like having a fairly simple, basic set-up for ritual that I can just rely on each time. Thinking up clever, complex ritual symbolism for each ritual wears me out, especially for fairly simple rituals that I do on a daily or at least fairly regular basis. I tend to be a minimalist in this regard. So having a basic set-up of candle, incense, water and bit of earth is how I usually approach the issue, exchanging out certain objects for others where appropriate. So for instance, I exchange my Brigid candle for my Manannan candle, and the green and purple fluorite sphere for the whelk shell. Incense is the same — just some generic, all-purpose frankincense — and either the blue pitched of water, or the blue bowl full of glitter. Maybe this is lazy of me. When I was in my old apartment, it was easier to do more complex, purpose-specific altar spaces that incorporated various objects. Now, between the cat and the kids, I find it very hard to set up any kind of altar space with any permanence that won't get knocked or handled or treated (by kid and cat alike) as a plaything. It's easier to keep supplies stored away and bring them out whenever I want to do ritual.
But for Manannan's seakeeping shift, I'm finding this approach is just not working well. What I would ideally like to have is some kind of small fountain of running water or at the very least a libation bowl of some kind. During last night's ritual, I held the whelk shell in my hands, attempting to connect with its watery origins. This has worked in the past, but last night fell flat. The shell felt very much a hard, clunky object, not the fluidly crystalline "gateway" it's been before. And all of this might also be due to my lack of disciplined meditation recently, or a whole host of other issues I've been dealing with. I'd like to see if I could arrange a bath this evening — but when the kids are over, they dominate the entire house and its energy shifts decidedly in their restless, noisy direction. I'm not sure deep ritual of any kind is likely while they're around, unless I go out into the woods or somewhere equally solitary.
Do I sound cranky? (Is it because they've been in and out of the house, slamming the door each time, for the last twenty minutes or so?) This weekend is also supposed to be dedicated to some Saturn Return work, with the moon conjunct Saturn at the moment. In general, I'm feeling a bit cranky and distracted. Sinking into meditation feels impossible — like trying to fall asleep despite intermittent noise. That's the thing about intermittent distractions. Constant noise or movement can become part of the background — but distraction that is only intermittent dominates the subconscious, which remains on constant alert for when the next disruption will be. This is why folks who live too close to wind farms say it's a nightmare to try to sleep at night. Not just because the changing atmospheric conditions at night can amplify the noise of the windmills (which it does), but also because the noise is not constant white noise, but comes and goes with the breeze. Some small part of their mind remains in a mode of continued vigilance, in subconscious anticipation of the next unpleasant experience. And as a result, it feels impossible to concentrate — part of the mind's resources are permanently dedicated to that subconscious process. That's often how it feels here on weekends. I never know what to anticipate from the kids, and with four of them, it's almost guaranteed that one of them is going to need something every few minutes. Fiona can be the worst — she'll come to me instead of Jeff thinking that I'll be more lenient or give her permission that her father denied (or, more often these days, try to punish the other kids for not doing what she wants). Just now, in fact, she came in to tell me that Savanah was doing stuff she didn't like, specifically, she was off exploring the garden instead of playing with Fiona.
Excellent example. Jeff returned home with Jerilynn, one thing led to another, and it's now three hours or so later, after lunch, that I'm finally able to get back to this (now that the kids are downstairs with Jeff playing Settlers of Catan).
In any case, the day is warm and muggy, and even the walls inside feel somewhat damp to the touch. I'm feeling a little better having eaten, though not fantastic all the same. I'm going to just go ahead and post this because my train of thought was lost. I'd wanted to write a bit more about various projects Jeff and I are working on, but that can wait. Perhaps this evening or tomorrow I'll have another chance to write, as well as do a bit of divination with the cards.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
DOTR Lesson 4: Air
Sun: taurus (earth/fixed), 6:07am - 8:26pm
Moon: waxing gibbous, virgo (earth/mutable)
Earth: gorgeous and sunny, bright morning, with an afternoon getting up near 80ยบ with thundershowers
I've done a pretty poor job of keeping up with this diary over the past month or so, but that doesn't mean I haven't continued my spiritual work, as well as work more specifically pertaining to DOTR. Sometimes it's difficult to remember to journal here, just because so much of my work seems to tie back in to my spiritual life and path in one way or another, though perhaps not always in clearly definable ways. In any case, I just finished some meditation on Air (for Lesson 3), and I wanted to spend some time noting a few important bits. But (as to be expected, I suppose), I'm feeling a bit "air headed" and scatter brained at the moment, so don't expect too much coherence.
First, a reflection on Air as an element. On Monday morning, I sat outside and did a simple ritual of meditation and connection with the element of Air (though, thanks to the brilliant weather we've been having, I also made passing acquaintance with Fire in the form of sunlight and, subsequently, sunburn). I haven't been keeping up with my meditation as much as I would like, and there have been plenty of things to distract me (more on that later), so I wasn't able to sink deeply into trance or anything like that. But rather than force it, I simply allowed myself to spend time with the element as it expressed itself in my immediate landscape. I felt the breeze on my skin, listened to it play through the wind chimes in the backyard, and watched as it moved the spiraling incense smoke this way and that, turning first away from me, then surrounding me, then lifting up to disappear into the air above me.
Sitting inside this morning to do meditation, I again watched the incense and not for the first time marveled at how solid the forms of smoke seemed, how they kept their shape (though that shape was definitely mutable and spiraling and every-changing) and I could watch one bend or curl of smoke as it wafted on its own unique journey through the barely moving currents of air in the room until it slowly faded — not so much dissipating as simply disappearing, fading away.
This brings my mind back to the relationship between the four classical elements (earth, air, fire and water) and the three Druidic elements of nwyfre, gwyar and calas. In JMG's Druidry Handbook, I always found the explanation rather dissatisfying. It seems to me that these three v. four are distinct systems of understanding the world, with their own implications, and if that's true then one should be able to bring them to bear on one another. Instead, in the Handbook, the four seem simply an extension of the three — so that the implication is the three are somehow incomplete — and nwyfre seems to morph and change not in any essential way, but more as a matter of convenience, taking on whatever extra role seems necessary. Really, the three Druidic elements as JMG presents them seem like a hobbled version of the four classical elements, less like a three-legged stool than a four-legged chair you've taken a saw to. In our teaching work with Savanah, Jeff and I have tried to develop both an understanding of the three elements as complete in themselves, and an understanding of how the four elements can be understood in relation to the three. Anyone who talks to a twelve year old probably knows that you need to know your shit and have your explanations clear if you want to escape endless scrutiny. It took a while to explain why gwyar was different from water, for instance, and calas not quite the same as earth, and so on. But it's been helpful work, and has forced me to articulate some things in my own approach.
The approach I use now is that the three Druidic elements can be understood as guiding principles or aspects of the world. I understand them, most simply, as form, flow and force (for calas, gwyar and nwyfre). Thus, calas is the principle of form, manifestation, boundaries, limits, distinction and individuality. Gwyar is the principle of flow, exchange, movement, communication, connection and freedom. And nwyfre is the principle of force, energy, initiative, desire (and repulsion), drive and life-force in the kind of spiritual sense. Each of these describes aspects that can be found in absolutely everything in the physical (and nonphysical) world.
How do these relate to the four classical elements of earth, air, fire and water? Here I borrow an understanding from astrology (and as I study more, the more I see how much insight this approach has to offer!). The three Druidic elements can be likened to the three qualities in astrology known as cardinal (corresponding in my understanding with nwyfre), mutable (with gwyar) and fixed (with calas) — for each of the twelve zodiac, a sign is a combination of one of these three aspects with one of the four classical elements. Thus, you have Taurus as fixed earth while Virgo is mutable earth, Leo is fixed fire while Aries is cardinal fire, and so on. The three combined in this way with the four create twelve, each with its own particular expression. Taking a cue from astrology then, I see the three Druidic elements as principles or aspects, and I see the four classical elements as qualities or "building blocks," so to speak. Each of the four classical elements has a quality to it that can be expressed by any of the three principles. Thus earth is dark, cool, dry and heavy; air is bright, light, hot and moist; fire is bright, light, hot and dry, water is dark, cool, moist and heavy. These combination of qualities mean each element has particular associations as well — times, places, objects, tools and other symbols that best exemplify or embody the quality particular to that element. (So, for instance, the seasons: spring as warm and moist, summer as hot and dry, fall as cool and moist, winter as cold and dry.)
But the key here is that each of the elements can be expressed through any of the principles represented by the three Druidic elements. Thus, we can have fire as a quality expressed in calas - that principle of a physical fire which gives it shape and definition in our experiential engagement, which imbues it with a kind of perceivable form, that gives it an edge and a boundary. Fire expressed in gwyar is the process of combustion and consumption, the transformation of fuel into flame through a reaction and exchange. Or, another example, earth in calas is, most simply, the material world itself, all around us, which we experience as a realm of form and manifestation, full of distinct entities with limits, boundaries that bump up against one another. Earth expressed by the principle of nwyfre, on the other hand, is the urge in Spirit itself to manifest through form and limit. It is the spark, the initiative, the force of life that gives rise to form, that seeks to consolidate itself into particular organized entities. It is the energy of nwyfre expressed through the quality of darkness and opacity and heaviness.
These are just preliminary thoughts, and I have work to do to tease out the details and how each combination really works. Some qualities (four elements) seem to have particular affinity with certain principles (three elements). (For instance, the element of water is deeply related to the element or principle of gwyar.) So one thing I want to do during this time of revisiting the four elements through the DOTR work is to explore how each of the four elements is expressed or exemplified or affected by the three Druidic elements as principles of being. I'm hoping my divination work will help with this as well. Not only do I plan to keep studying astrology during this time, but I'm also looking into Erynn Rowan Laurie's book on the ogham, in which she talks about using three full sets (of 20) for three "currents" — chthonic, oceanic and celestial — corresponding to the three realms. My understanding of the three Druidic elements of calas, gwyar and nwyfre is that they also correspond to the three realms… though exactly how they correspond is something I'm still working out, and some of it will depend on my deeper research into this approach to ogham.
In particular, on that note, I find myself wavering between associating calas or gwyar with the chthonic/earthy realm. My two patron deities, Brigid Star Fire and Manannan, seem to dwell in tension with each other, with Brigid very much a deity of sky and the celestial, while Manannan is not only a deity of the ocean, but of the depths and the darkness, so that he also seems connected to the "underground" (as well as the mists that rise from the earth to obscure our way, and the rain that pours from the sky and soaks into the earth, seeking its depths). This is another issue that I have with the DOTR Three Realms practice itself. Maybe because of my aesthetic sense of my need for balance (or because I am overly analytical about these things) — I find myself wanting to reach down to connect with "water" (or more specifically, with gwyar) below instead of with "earthy" aspects associated with calas and the land. For me, the blue, deep, dark, heavy, moist, watery qualities below can then be brought into relationship with the yellow, high, bright, light, dry, fiery celestial energies of nwyfre above…. mixing and mingling and expressing themselves in the green aspects of calas and the land, the realm of form and manifestation.
The tree then, a mighty presence of the land, is a symbol of that bridge and that relationship — reaching its branches and leaves up into the sky for sunlight and air, and reaching its roots deep into the earth in search of water and nutrients…. at both these extremes, you have fluidity, exchange, change and a kind of blurring of boundaries, a liminality where Tree merges with that which is seeks. And then, having received the gifts of the heights and the depths, the fire and the water, these extremes, opposites, are integrated and brought into relationship in such a way that you have the "middle earth," the land we walk upon as a meeting place of these other realms, the realm of unique manifestation and expression, individuality and boundaries. The individual can be lost in the mysteries of the depths just as in the celestial mysteries — there is a dark mysticism as well as a bright mysticism. But the "real world" of sensual, sensory experience, where we know ourselves as distinct entities for the most part (only sometimes sinking into depths or rising to heights where we forget our "selves" completely in union with something greater)… that's the realm of calas, of the land, and the Tree. It seems to me that a daily spiritual practice works best (in my experience, anyway) when it teaches us how to bring the more liminal, fluid mysteries of the depths and the heights and integrate them and express them in the everyday world around us. In Kabbalism, as I understand it, there's the idea of climbing up the tree to reach those heights, and then bringing that energy back down "the lightning strike zigzagging through the ten sefirot. But in this idea, the tree not only reaches up towards the celestial, but down as well, into the depth and darkness of the "underworld," and that energy and experience is brought into relationship from both directions into a center. (Plus, blue + yellow = green, duh!)
Is this "underworld" of watery depths and darkness most appropriately called "chthonic"? I'm not sure — I haven't ever used that term much. Perhaps "oceanic" makes more sense, especially since we tend to think (even if just metaphorically) of the lands kind of "floating" on the oceans (and understanding the underground lakes and rivers, the moistness of caves, and even the liquid molten rock below the earth's crust, it makes a kind of literal sense as well). If that's the case, then, does chthonic fit well with the idea of the Tree as bridge between celestial and oceanic, and the land as a kind of "middle ground" where these two Mysteries are brought into manifestation? I can't answer that, because I don't know enough about what the word "chthonic" is supposed to imply (though my first instinct is to answer no, it doesn't quite fit). Still, the relationship between "fire" and "water" (not as elements, now, but as symbols or representatives of the realms, I guess) is something that seems to rest at the core of my Celtic spirituality…. So it's worth exploring. Perhaps I'll tidy this up a bit and post it to the DOTR group blog for some feedback.
This became a long, rambling exploration in a rather more abstract way than I'd originally intended. This was all sparked by my observation during meditation of the way the incense smoke hung together, spiraling around itself — or, the other day, cast shadows on my arms and chest as I sat in the sunlight — bringing to mind again that this smoke, and the air currents themselves, are still very much expressing themselves in calas. The air currents, though they seem invisible to the human eye, are just as distinct, real things as fire or earth (or water and its slightly less invisible currents). To the birds who fly through the air, or the dogs and other animals navigating by scent, the currents of air are palpable presences, distinct bodies with their own boundaries. A story David Abram tells in his book, Becoming Animal, illustrates this point nicely — he describes one time watching ducks flying into a hard wind, dipping here and there, testing to find the edges of the strongest current of air and where there were slips and gaps in the wall of wind coming at them that they could push their way through. For the ducks, the air was as solid and bounded a thing as the landscapes of hills and valleys, forests and fields that we walk through, looking for our own slips and gaps to help us make our way. So air has expression in calas, in the realm of form and manifestation. The invisible, the unseen still has an active presence in and engagement with the manifest world. And as I watched the incense smoke, I understand that the element of Air, too, has its limits and boundaries.
I did want to talk a little bit about some other work I've been doing, but it seems that most of the morning has passed while I've been writing this (and I haven't even done a tarot card reading!). So I'll wrap things up here and maybe come back to it later. I am going to try to be more diligent in writing down these various reflections and experiences. I swear!
Moon: waxing gibbous, virgo (earth/mutable)
Earth: gorgeous and sunny, bright morning, with an afternoon getting up near 80ยบ with thundershowers
I've done a pretty poor job of keeping up with this diary over the past month or so, but that doesn't mean I haven't continued my spiritual work, as well as work more specifically pertaining to DOTR. Sometimes it's difficult to remember to journal here, just because so much of my work seems to tie back in to my spiritual life and path in one way or another, though perhaps not always in clearly definable ways. In any case, I just finished some meditation on Air (for Lesson 3), and I wanted to spend some time noting a few important bits. But (as to be expected, I suppose), I'm feeling a bit "air headed" and scatter brained at the moment, so don't expect too much coherence.
First, a reflection on Air as an element. On Monday morning, I sat outside and did a simple ritual of meditation and connection with the element of Air (though, thanks to the brilliant weather we've been having, I also made passing acquaintance with Fire in the form of sunlight and, subsequently, sunburn). I haven't been keeping up with my meditation as much as I would like, and there have been plenty of things to distract me (more on that later), so I wasn't able to sink deeply into trance or anything like that. But rather than force it, I simply allowed myself to spend time with the element as it expressed itself in my immediate landscape. I felt the breeze on my skin, listened to it play through the wind chimes in the backyard, and watched as it moved the spiraling incense smoke this way and that, turning first away from me, then surrounding me, then lifting up to disappear into the air above me.
Sitting inside this morning to do meditation, I again watched the incense and not for the first time marveled at how solid the forms of smoke seemed, how they kept their shape (though that shape was definitely mutable and spiraling and every-changing) and I could watch one bend or curl of smoke as it wafted on its own unique journey through the barely moving currents of air in the room until it slowly faded — not so much dissipating as simply disappearing, fading away.
This brings my mind back to the relationship between the four classical elements (earth, air, fire and water) and the three Druidic elements of nwyfre, gwyar and calas. In JMG's Druidry Handbook, I always found the explanation rather dissatisfying. It seems to me that these three v. four are distinct systems of understanding the world, with their own implications, and if that's true then one should be able to bring them to bear on one another. Instead, in the Handbook, the four seem simply an extension of the three — so that the implication is the three are somehow incomplete — and nwyfre seems to morph and change not in any essential way, but more as a matter of convenience, taking on whatever extra role seems necessary. Really, the three Druidic elements as JMG presents them seem like a hobbled version of the four classical elements, less like a three-legged stool than a four-legged chair you've taken a saw to. In our teaching work with Savanah, Jeff and I have tried to develop both an understanding of the three elements as complete in themselves, and an understanding of how the four elements can be understood in relation to the three. Anyone who talks to a twelve year old probably knows that you need to know your shit and have your explanations clear if you want to escape endless scrutiny. It took a while to explain why gwyar was different from water, for instance, and calas not quite the same as earth, and so on. But it's been helpful work, and has forced me to articulate some things in my own approach.
The approach I use now is that the three Druidic elements can be understood as guiding principles or aspects of the world. I understand them, most simply, as form, flow and force (for calas, gwyar and nwyfre). Thus, calas is the principle of form, manifestation, boundaries, limits, distinction and individuality. Gwyar is the principle of flow, exchange, movement, communication, connection and freedom. And nwyfre is the principle of force, energy, initiative, desire (and repulsion), drive and life-force in the kind of spiritual sense. Each of these describes aspects that can be found in absolutely everything in the physical (and nonphysical) world.
How do these relate to the four classical elements of earth, air, fire and water? Here I borrow an understanding from astrology (and as I study more, the more I see how much insight this approach has to offer!). The three Druidic elements can be likened to the three qualities in astrology known as cardinal (corresponding in my understanding with nwyfre), mutable (with gwyar) and fixed (with calas) — for each of the twelve zodiac, a sign is a combination of one of these three aspects with one of the four classical elements. Thus, you have Taurus as fixed earth while Virgo is mutable earth, Leo is fixed fire while Aries is cardinal fire, and so on. The three combined in this way with the four create twelve, each with its own particular expression. Taking a cue from astrology then, I see the three Druidic elements as principles or aspects, and I see the four classical elements as qualities or "building blocks," so to speak. Each of the four classical elements has a quality to it that can be expressed by any of the three principles. Thus earth is dark, cool, dry and heavy; air is bright, light, hot and moist; fire is bright, light, hot and dry, water is dark, cool, moist and heavy. These combination of qualities mean each element has particular associations as well — times, places, objects, tools and other symbols that best exemplify or embody the quality particular to that element. (So, for instance, the seasons: spring as warm and moist, summer as hot and dry, fall as cool and moist, winter as cold and dry.)
But the key here is that each of the elements can be expressed through any of the principles represented by the three Druidic elements. Thus, we can have fire as a quality expressed in calas - that principle of a physical fire which gives it shape and definition in our experiential engagement, which imbues it with a kind of perceivable form, that gives it an edge and a boundary. Fire expressed in gwyar is the process of combustion and consumption, the transformation of fuel into flame through a reaction and exchange. Or, another example, earth in calas is, most simply, the material world itself, all around us, which we experience as a realm of form and manifestation, full of distinct entities with limits, boundaries that bump up against one another. Earth expressed by the principle of nwyfre, on the other hand, is the urge in Spirit itself to manifest through form and limit. It is the spark, the initiative, the force of life that gives rise to form, that seeks to consolidate itself into particular organized entities. It is the energy of nwyfre expressed through the quality of darkness and opacity and heaviness.
These are just preliminary thoughts, and I have work to do to tease out the details and how each combination really works. Some qualities (four elements) seem to have particular affinity with certain principles (three elements). (For instance, the element of water is deeply related to the element or principle of gwyar.) So one thing I want to do during this time of revisiting the four elements through the DOTR work is to explore how each of the four elements is expressed or exemplified or affected by the three Druidic elements as principles of being. I'm hoping my divination work will help with this as well. Not only do I plan to keep studying astrology during this time, but I'm also looking into Erynn Rowan Laurie's book on the ogham, in which she talks about using three full sets (of 20) for three "currents" — chthonic, oceanic and celestial — corresponding to the three realms. My understanding of the three Druidic elements of calas, gwyar and nwyfre is that they also correspond to the three realms… though exactly how they correspond is something I'm still working out, and some of it will depend on my deeper research into this approach to ogham.
In particular, on that note, I find myself wavering between associating calas or gwyar with the chthonic/earthy realm. My two patron deities, Brigid Star Fire and Manannan, seem to dwell in tension with each other, with Brigid very much a deity of sky and the celestial, while Manannan is not only a deity of the ocean, but of the depths and the darkness, so that he also seems connected to the "underground" (as well as the mists that rise from the earth to obscure our way, and the rain that pours from the sky and soaks into the earth, seeking its depths). This is another issue that I have with the DOTR Three Realms practice itself. Maybe because of my aesthetic sense of my need for balance (or because I am overly analytical about these things) — I find myself wanting to reach down to connect with "water" (or more specifically, with gwyar) below instead of with "earthy" aspects associated with calas and the land. For me, the blue, deep, dark, heavy, moist, watery qualities below can then be brought into relationship with the yellow, high, bright, light, dry, fiery celestial energies of nwyfre above…. mixing and mingling and expressing themselves in the green aspects of calas and the land, the realm of form and manifestation.
The tree then, a mighty presence of the land, is a symbol of that bridge and that relationship — reaching its branches and leaves up into the sky for sunlight and air, and reaching its roots deep into the earth in search of water and nutrients…. at both these extremes, you have fluidity, exchange, change and a kind of blurring of boundaries, a liminality where Tree merges with that which is seeks. And then, having received the gifts of the heights and the depths, the fire and the water, these extremes, opposites, are integrated and brought into relationship in such a way that you have the "middle earth," the land we walk upon as a meeting place of these other realms, the realm of unique manifestation and expression, individuality and boundaries. The individual can be lost in the mysteries of the depths just as in the celestial mysteries — there is a dark mysticism as well as a bright mysticism. But the "real world" of sensual, sensory experience, where we know ourselves as distinct entities for the most part (only sometimes sinking into depths or rising to heights where we forget our "selves" completely in union with something greater)… that's the realm of calas, of the land, and the Tree. It seems to me that a daily spiritual practice works best (in my experience, anyway) when it teaches us how to bring the more liminal, fluid mysteries of the depths and the heights and integrate them and express them in the everyday world around us. In Kabbalism, as I understand it, there's the idea of climbing up the tree to reach those heights, and then bringing that energy back down "the lightning strike zigzagging through the ten sefirot. But in this idea, the tree not only reaches up towards the celestial, but down as well, into the depth and darkness of the "underworld," and that energy and experience is brought into relationship from both directions into a center. (Plus, blue + yellow = green, duh!)
Is this "underworld" of watery depths and darkness most appropriately called "chthonic"? I'm not sure — I haven't ever used that term much. Perhaps "oceanic" makes more sense, especially since we tend to think (even if just metaphorically) of the lands kind of "floating" on the oceans (and understanding the underground lakes and rivers, the moistness of caves, and even the liquid molten rock below the earth's crust, it makes a kind of literal sense as well). If that's the case, then, does chthonic fit well with the idea of the Tree as bridge between celestial and oceanic, and the land as a kind of "middle ground" where these two Mysteries are brought into manifestation? I can't answer that, because I don't know enough about what the word "chthonic" is supposed to imply (though my first instinct is to answer no, it doesn't quite fit). Still, the relationship between "fire" and "water" (not as elements, now, but as symbols or representatives of the realms, I guess) is something that seems to rest at the core of my Celtic spirituality…. So it's worth exploring. Perhaps I'll tidy this up a bit and post it to the DOTR group blog for some feedback.
This became a long, rambling exploration in a rather more abstract way than I'd originally intended. This was all sparked by my observation during meditation of the way the incense smoke hung together, spiraling around itself — or, the other day, cast shadows on my arms and chest as I sat in the sunlight — bringing to mind again that this smoke, and the air currents themselves, are still very much expressing themselves in calas. The air currents, though they seem invisible to the human eye, are just as distinct, real things as fire or earth (or water and its slightly less invisible currents). To the birds who fly through the air, or the dogs and other animals navigating by scent, the currents of air are palpable presences, distinct bodies with their own boundaries. A story David Abram tells in his book, Becoming Animal, illustrates this point nicely — he describes one time watching ducks flying into a hard wind, dipping here and there, testing to find the edges of the strongest current of air and where there were slips and gaps in the wall of wind coming at them that they could push their way through. For the ducks, the air was as solid and bounded a thing as the landscapes of hills and valleys, forests and fields that we walk through, looking for our own slips and gaps to help us make our way. So air has expression in calas, in the realm of form and manifestation. The invisible, the unseen still has an active presence in and engagement with the manifest world. And as I watched the incense smoke, I understand that the element of Air, too, has its limits and boundaries.
I did want to talk a little bit about some other work I've been doing, but it seems that most of the morning has passed while I've been writing this (and I haven't even done a tarot card reading!). So I'll wrap things up here and maybe come back to it later. I am going to try to be more diligent in writing down these various reflections and experiences. I swear!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Diary
Days of Note: Seakeeping with Manannan
Sun: pisces (water/mutable), 7:32am - 7:27pm
Moon: *waxing gibbous, leo (fire/fixed)
Earth: gray, somewhat chilly and rainy all day, though at least we seem to be safely past the snowy season, if not the morning frosts
I'm raging again tonight. Every once in a while I get into moods where everyone just strikes me as stupid and selfish and, despite my pacifism, I want to kick people in the head.
What set me off this evening was reading Rand Paul's rant about low-flow toilets. How a grown man can throw such a self-entitled tantrum that would make our eight-year-old roll his eyes, and do so as a member of an elected government.... ! Jeff insists he's just blinded by his particular ideology, to which I responded, "Well I'd like to kick him in the head so that he would be blinded by my foot in his face!" Low-flow toilets! Of all the things! Like there aren't people who use a bucket or a hole in the ground... like there aren't people in this country who do it by choice as part of their effort to live an environmentally respectful lifestyle, recycling their own byproducts through their compost toilets and giving themselves back to the earth, ensuring there will be enough clean water for the rest of us. And meanwhile, studies are rolling in that those most disproportionately affected by the climate change crisis are those who tend to contribute the least to the world's pollution — those who live impoverished and close to the land — while studies show that we Americans with our air-conditioned SUVs rumbling around the suburbs are growing increasingly less worried about climate change in recent years. It drives me nuts!
And then my cousin, who can sometimes be a bit, well, judgmental, makes a passing remark on Facebook about how as a journalist she used to hate interviewing writers because they always had such big egos. Which, even if it's not an intentional swipe at me personally, still feels like one. Like there's this whole nobility that comes with struggle and failure, like those of us who are passionate about our work shouldn't dare take pride in our accomplishments — or like working to cultivate a thriving community of "niche" readers in love with your subject matter means you're still just a "little fish in a huge sea" and shouldn't imagine that what you do is actually -laugh- important!
Then the irony hits me.
I can't fully articulate it, but there must be a lesson here, about judgement and kindness and rage and passion. And community. What strikes me over and over is how hard it is to save the world each on our own. Every effort Jeff and I make, every step we take towards a healthier lifestyle is one that we take, firstly, as a family, and secondly, as members of our local community. It would be impossible to do this if we didn't live in an urban neighborhood with stores within biking and walking distance, if we didn't have the local co-op with organic, local produce, if we didn't have restaurants nearby specializing in vegetarian and organic cuisine, if we didn't have neighbors and community volunteer programs involved with keeping the city parks clean and available, or protecting the local landscape from developers and corporations. And still, I feel like I'm not doing enough. And when I think of folks in the suburbs, I get angry. I get judgmental.
What I should probably be doing is seeking kindness, and passion. Passion will connect and grow, where rage only isolates and repulses. Kindness opens people up to the possibility that they are good enough, that a good and healthy life doesn't have to be one of desperation and frustration and struggle. There is nothing wrong with taking pride in what we do to help one another and improve the quality of life for ourselves. Harping on how hard and tiring it is to drag American culture along by its teeth into the realities of the twenty first century isn't going to win anyone over. If change and health is something that we can only find in community (with each other, and with the earth), then first we have to nurture and share those things that help to foster community: joy, laughter, kindness, generosity, and gratitude.
I can feel the rage like a physical entity in my body. When I sit for a moment and breathe, I can feel how close that rage is to love and excitement, how easy it is to change my mind about the physical sensations coursing through this meat-space of mine. In a few breaths, that energy is transformed and directed, no longer a destructive force that wants out through clenched fists and tensed muscles, but now something that I can work with, shape and direct to transform the world.
This is what daily practice is for. This is why meditation and prayer are so absolutely vital. The tools to transform rage and anger and frustration and fear — to change them from the center. To reform and redirect, to refine and renew. I can do this. I can learn to do this.
© Stephanie Pui-Mun Law, The Shadowscape Tarot
The King of Pentacles stands sure and steady in the center, presenting a choice or offering alternatives. A figure of stability and generosity rooted deeply in the earth, he remains grounded and humble (close to humus) even as his aspirations reach ever higher towards the sun and rain above. The choices he presents, with his wise guidance, are two alternatives, two ways of handling the energies of the earth that well up within, drawn from the roots and gathered in from the limbs.
The Nine of Wands is a choice that brings us constant vigilance and resolve, tensed with uncertainty, straining into the future and what it may hold. The lone sentinel astride his mount, poised on the cliff, already worn with previous battles and perhaps overly eager to see strife and conflict in what's to come.
The Four of Wands, on the other hand, is a choice of freedom and joy, celebration and jubilation, finding harmony and balance among our energies so that, through them, we discover our freedom and lightness of being. Lush flowers bloom below as the sun shines above, and we discover ourselves not alone, but part of a community dancing and bounding with gladness through the beauty-charged landscape.
Both these choices lead in the same direction. The center figure, the King, holds his arms out in an equal length cross from his chest, reaching towards each. But to his left, the Nine of Wands, his open hand is lost in shadow, while to his right, his open palm shines in sunlight, holding the glimmering, golden acorn, seed of great and mighty things to come. Prosperity, generosity and stability come not from the battle-weary and bitter, but from the energies of joy and gladness shared in community, which lead back to the center, back to the feet of the King himself.
Sun: pisces (water/mutable), 7:32am - 7:27pm
Moon: *waxing gibbous, leo (fire/fixed)
Earth: gray, somewhat chilly and rainy all day, though at least we seem to be safely past the snowy season, if not the morning frosts
I'm raging again tonight. Every once in a while I get into moods where everyone just strikes me as stupid and selfish and, despite my pacifism, I want to kick people in the head.
What set me off this evening was reading Rand Paul's rant about low-flow toilets. How a grown man can throw such a self-entitled tantrum that would make our eight-year-old roll his eyes, and do so as a member of an elected government.... ! Jeff insists he's just blinded by his particular ideology, to which I responded, "Well I'd like to kick him in the head so that he would be blinded by my foot in his face!" Low-flow toilets! Of all the things! Like there aren't people who use a bucket or a hole in the ground... like there aren't people in this country who do it by choice as part of their effort to live an environmentally respectful lifestyle, recycling their own byproducts through their compost toilets and giving themselves back to the earth, ensuring there will be enough clean water for the rest of us. And meanwhile, studies are rolling in that those most disproportionately affected by the climate change crisis are those who tend to contribute the least to the world's pollution — those who live impoverished and close to the land — while studies show that we Americans with our air-conditioned SUVs rumbling around the suburbs are growing increasingly less worried about climate change in recent years. It drives me nuts!
And then my cousin, who can sometimes be a bit, well, judgmental, makes a passing remark on Facebook about how as a journalist she used to hate interviewing writers because they always had such big egos. Which, even if it's not an intentional swipe at me personally, still feels like one. Like there's this whole nobility that comes with struggle and failure, like those of us who are passionate about our work shouldn't dare take pride in our accomplishments — or like working to cultivate a thriving community of "niche" readers in love with your subject matter means you're still just a "little fish in a huge sea" and shouldn't imagine that what you do is actually -laugh- important!
Then the irony hits me.
I can't fully articulate it, but there must be a lesson here, about judgement and kindness and rage and passion. And community. What strikes me over and over is how hard it is to save the world each on our own. Every effort Jeff and I make, every step we take towards a healthier lifestyle is one that we take, firstly, as a family, and secondly, as members of our local community. It would be impossible to do this if we didn't live in an urban neighborhood with stores within biking and walking distance, if we didn't have the local co-op with organic, local produce, if we didn't have restaurants nearby specializing in vegetarian and organic cuisine, if we didn't have neighbors and community volunteer programs involved with keeping the city parks clean and available, or protecting the local landscape from developers and corporations. And still, I feel like I'm not doing enough. And when I think of folks in the suburbs, I get angry. I get judgmental.
What I should probably be doing is seeking kindness, and passion. Passion will connect and grow, where rage only isolates and repulses. Kindness opens people up to the possibility that they are good enough, that a good and healthy life doesn't have to be one of desperation and frustration and struggle. There is nothing wrong with taking pride in what we do to help one another and improve the quality of life for ourselves. Harping on how hard and tiring it is to drag American culture along by its teeth into the realities of the twenty first century isn't going to win anyone over. If change and health is something that we can only find in community (with each other, and with the earth), then first we have to nurture and share those things that help to foster community: joy, laughter, kindness, generosity, and gratitude.
I can feel the rage like a physical entity in my body. When I sit for a moment and breathe, I can feel how close that rage is to love and excitement, how easy it is to change my mind about the physical sensations coursing through this meat-space of mine. In a few breaths, that energy is transformed and directed, no longer a destructive force that wants out through clenched fists and tensed muscles, but now something that I can work with, shape and direct to transform the world.
This is what daily practice is for. This is why meditation and prayer are so absolutely vital. The tools to transform rage and anger and frustration and fear — to change them from the center. To reform and redirect, to refine and renew. I can do this. I can learn to do this.
Diary Tarot Card
© Stephanie Pui-Mun Law, The Shadowscape Tarot
The King of Pentacles stands sure and steady in the center, presenting a choice or offering alternatives. A figure of stability and generosity rooted deeply in the earth, he remains grounded and humble (close to humus) even as his aspirations reach ever higher towards the sun and rain above. The choices he presents, with his wise guidance, are two alternatives, two ways of handling the energies of the earth that well up within, drawn from the roots and gathered in from the limbs.
The Nine of Wands is a choice that brings us constant vigilance and resolve, tensed with uncertainty, straining into the future and what it may hold. The lone sentinel astride his mount, poised on the cliff, already worn with previous battles and perhaps overly eager to see strife and conflict in what's to come.
The Four of Wands, on the other hand, is a choice of freedom and joy, celebration and jubilation, finding harmony and balance among our energies so that, through them, we discover our freedom and lightness of being. Lush flowers bloom below as the sun shines above, and we discover ourselves not alone, but part of a community dancing and bounding with gladness through the beauty-charged landscape.
Both these choices lead in the same direction. The center figure, the King, holds his arms out in an equal length cross from his chest, reaching towards each. But to his left, the Nine of Wands, his open hand is lost in shadow, while to his right, his open palm shines in sunlight, holding the glimmering, golden acorn, seed of great and mighty things to come. Prosperity, generosity and stability come not from the battle-weary and bitter, but from the energies of joy and gladness shared in community, which lead back to the center, back to the feet of the King himself.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Daily Diary
Sun: capricorn (earth/cardinal), 7:41am - 5:18pm
Moon: *waxing gibbous, gemini (air/mutable)
Earth: gray and cold all day, some "wintery mix" among the clouds
Thoughts: started the day with a bad dream about having my arms chopped off; spent some time thinking about my "internet persona" and all those issues; overall, though, mostly focused on contractor work
Actions: in the morning, poked around online trying to put off actual work; replied to a commenter on my recent blog post over at P+P; put up some pictures on the wedding blog; when Jeff took the kids to Phipps for lunch and some fun, I buckled down to contractor work and basically spent the rest of the day hunkered down plowing through that stuff; after wrapping that up this evening after dinner, I spent about two hours finally finishing the last part of my "long goodbye" series for my Meadowsweet blog, and posted it
Connections: feeling worn out and drained, but otherwise pretty good; I do think I'm feeling a bit freer now than I was before and, with a good night's sleep, I'm hoping my optimism will be returning soon
Daily Tarot Card: The Moon (XVIII) A card of dreams, fantasies and the unconscious, the unmasking of truth as can be seen sometimes only in the half-shadowy light of the moon at night. Sometimes a card indicating anxiety and even fear, the powerful urges arising from the unconscious may be harnessed and integrated through creative and artistic work. As a card of the major arcana, there is also a hint in this card that the forces of the unconscious may well up unbidden in unexpected ways, causing an unsettled period during which emotions run high and life may seem unpredictable, strange, even eerie.
Moon: *waxing gibbous, gemini (air/mutable)
Earth: gray and cold all day, some "wintery mix" among the clouds
Thoughts: started the day with a bad dream about having my arms chopped off; spent some time thinking about my "internet persona" and all those issues; overall, though, mostly focused on contractor work
Actions: in the morning, poked around online trying to put off actual work; replied to a commenter on my recent blog post over at P+P; put up some pictures on the wedding blog; when Jeff took the kids to Phipps for lunch and some fun, I buckled down to contractor work and basically spent the rest of the day hunkered down plowing through that stuff; after wrapping that up this evening after dinner, I spent about two hours finally finishing the last part of my "long goodbye" series for my Meadowsweet blog, and posted it
Connections: feeling worn out and drained, but otherwise pretty good; I do think I'm feeling a bit freer now than I was before and, with a good night's sleep, I'm hoping my optimism will be returning soon
Daily Tarot Card: The Moon (XVIII) A card of dreams, fantasies and the unconscious, the unmasking of truth as can be seen sometimes only in the half-shadowy light of the moon at night. Sometimes a card indicating anxiety and even fear, the powerful urges arising from the unconscious may be harnessed and integrated through creative and artistic work. As a card of the major arcana, there is also a hint in this card that the forces of the unconscious may well up unbidden in unexpected ways, causing an unsettled period during which emotions run high and life may seem unpredictable, strange, even eerie.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Daily Diary
Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:39am - 4:56pm
Moon: *waxing gibbous, gemini (air/mutable)
Earth: cold and cloudy most of the day, with snow flurries on and off
Thoughts: generally worn from yesterday's confrontations; scheduling with my dad regarding family holiday time and going to Long Wood Gardens over Christmas; talked to my dad about Emily's latest stuff and how rough it's been on Jeff and me emotionally to cope with worries of the kids being suspicious or distrusting of us because of her behavior; thinking about Pagan+Politics (which Jeff is signing up to write for, now) and the medium of blogging and dealing with commenters and trolls; talked a little bit with Jeff about fiction writing and character development
Actions: slept in pretty late, had a late brunch; talked to my dad on the phone when he called; started the craft project with the kids; got some contractor work in while the kids went with Jeff to the library and again in the evening after dinner; finished reading the Plotkin book and spent some time reading a few de Lint stories (some of which are awful, and some are okay)
Connections: we're trying to take things easy and not get incredibly stressed out over the next few days; not much else to say about it
(Note: This post was finished the following morning and backdated. No daily tarot card, unfortunately.)
Moon: *waxing gibbous, gemini (air/mutable)
Earth: cold and cloudy most of the day, with snow flurries on and off
Thoughts: generally worn from yesterday's confrontations; scheduling with my dad regarding family holiday time and going to Long Wood Gardens over Christmas; talked to my dad about Emily's latest stuff and how rough it's been on Jeff and me emotionally to cope with worries of the kids being suspicious or distrusting of us because of her behavior; thinking about Pagan+Politics (which Jeff is signing up to write for, now) and the medium of blogging and dealing with commenters and trolls; talked a little bit with Jeff about fiction writing and character development
Actions: slept in pretty late, had a late brunch; talked to my dad on the phone when he called; started the craft project with the kids; got some contractor work in while the kids went with Jeff to the library and again in the evening after dinner; finished reading the Plotkin book and spent some time reading a few de Lint stories (some of which are awful, and some are okay)
Connections: we're trying to take things easy and not get incredibly stressed out over the next few days; not much else to say about it
(Note: This post was finished the following morning and backdated. No daily tarot card, unfortunately.)
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Daily Diary
Days of Note: DOTR Alban Arthuan ritual celebration, formal dedication as an aspirant with the Order
Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:38am - 4:55pm
Moon: *waxing gibbous, taurus (earth/fixed)
Earth: very cold all day, though fairly sunny except a few scattered clouds
Thoughts: mostly my thoughts centered around Emily's latest issue (sitting the kids down to tell them Jeff and I are liars who were asking her to lie, and then calling Jeff on the phone to let him know) and how to deal with it, what to say to the kids and how it would play out over this weekend; also some focus on the DOTR ritual tonight taking place down in Georgia, and Bob's suggestion that I spend some time in meditation while the ritual was going on in order to connect with the energies and intentions raised to formally welcome me as an aspirant into the Order
Actions: several hours of contractor work today (at both the library and back home); swinging by the store to pick up some supplies that they didn't have at the other grocery store last night (for instance, cranberries for the garlands for the birds); wrote an email response to Emily and Jeremy after hearing from Jeff about this latest development; after I finished work for the day, Jeff and I sat down with each of the kids in turn and had conversations with them about what it was Emily told them and what they thought of the whole thing, giving them a chance to ask us questions and raise concerns; during dinner prep, took some time to check how the crafts turned out (still not as good as I was expecting and I can't figure out why); then conversation over dinner with the kids; spent time in meditation and divination during a ritual to connect with and honor DOTR's Mother Grove doing their Alban Arthuan ritual tonight and welcoming me and a few others as aspirants to the Order, plus a few people who've completed the Nine Lessons and become full members
Connections: an emotionally exhausting day, and I simply don't know what to think of our conversations with the kids about Emily's behavior; I think the three younger kids understood why we hadn't told them about our arguments with Emily before, and forgave us for our good intentions in trying to protect them from problems that weren't theirs to solve; Savanah - I don't know, she's becoming ever more the adolescent and has both a reticence and an edge to her that, combined, can really put a person on the defensive if they're not careful; she seemed to be both more demanding of us in terms of explanations, and quicker to try to justify Emily's behavior, though often it seemed simply for the sake of argument and not necessarily because she agreed with Emily; personally, I want to try to trust Savanah to be kind and considerate in her evaluations of Jeff and myself, and to try to see things from our perspective, but she certainly seems to be at that age when everything is a battle - of wits, or humor, or reason - and everything demands a quick, simple answer or she simply loses patience; so I'm left not knowing what her opinion is of the entire situation, or if she took it seriously at all (she seemed more interested in teasing the cat during our conversation and refused to sit up next to Jeff and I on the bed and talk to us face to face); I was joking about teens being hard - I didn't think I'd be getting the brunt of it; when did life become so difficult? being part of a divorced family is much rougher than I anticipated
Daily Tarot Card: The Six of Swords again, a card of difficult transitions and journeys, a weariness of the heart and soul that leaves us feeling drained and weak. We are borne across the troubled waters towards a new horizon and a fresh beginning, with a promise of new hopes and renewed energy. The process, the journey itself, may be one of joy and comfort in which we can take strength, readying for the new beginnings promised to us. Yet worries, anxieties and unhealthy thought patterns may linger and we may find ourselves repeating the same old tiresome patterns as before, and carrying the same burdens. Will we carry these troubles into the future with us? Or will we hold them loosely, gently, and willingly release them as we journey onwards, leaving our troubles behind us?
Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:38am - 4:55pm
Moon: *waxing gibbous, taurus (earth/fixed)
Earth: very cold all day, though fairly sunny except a few scattered clouds
Thoughts: mostly my thoughts centered around Emily's latest issue (sitting the kids down to tell them Jeff and I are liars who were asking her to lie, and then calling Jeff on the phone to let him know) and how to deal with it, what to say to the kids and how it would play out over this weekend; also some focus on the DOTR ritual tonight taking place down in Georgia, and Bob's suggestion that I spend some time in meditation while the ritual was going on in order to connect with the energies and intentions raised to formally welcome me as an aspirant into the Order
Actions: several hours of contractor work today (at both the library and back home); swinging by the store to pick up some supplies that they didn't have at the other grocery store last night (for instance, cranberries for the garlands for the birds); wrote an email response to Emily and Jeremy after hearing from Jeff about this latest development; after I finished work for the day, Jeff and I sat down with each of the kids in turn and had conversations with them about what it was Emily told them and what they thought of the whole thing, giving them a chance to ask us questions and raise concerns; during dinner prep, took some time to check how the crafts turned out (still not as good as I was expecting and I can't figure out why); then conversation over dinner with the kids; spent time in meditation and divination during a ritual to connect with and honor DOTR's Mother Grove doing their Alban Arthuan ritual tonight and welcoming me and a few others as aspirants to the Order, plus a few people who've completed the Nine Lessons and become full members
Connections: an emotionally exhausting day, and I simply don't know what to think of our conversations with the kids about Emily's behavior; I think the three younger kids understood why we hadn't told them about our arguments with Emily before, and forgave us for our good intentions in trying to protect them from problems that weren't theirs to solve; Savanah - I don't know, she's becoming ever more the adolescent and has both a reticence and an edge to her that, combined, can really put a person on the defensive if they're not careful; she seemed to be both more demanding of us in terms of explanations, and quicker to try to justify Emily's behavior, though often it seemed simply for the sake of argument and not necessarily because she agreed with Emily; personally, I want to try to trust Savanah to be kind and considerate in her evaluations of Jeff and myself, and to try to see things from our perspective, but she certainly seems to be at that age when everything is a battle - of wits, or humor, or reason - and everything demands a quick, simple answer or she simply loses patience; so I'm left not knowing what her opinion is of the entire situation, or if she took it seriously at all (she seemed more interested in teasing the cat during our conversation and refused to sit up next to Jeff and I on the bed and talk to us face to face); I was joking about teens being hard - I didn't think I'd be getting the brunt of it; when did life become so difficult? being part of a divorced family is much rougher than I anticipated
Daily Tarot Card: The Six of Swords again, a card of difficult transitions and journeys, a weariness of the heart and soul that leaves us feeling drained and weak. We are borne across the troubled waters towards a new horizon and a fresh beginning, with a promise of new hopes and renewed energy. The process, the journey itself, may be one of joy and comfort in which we can take strength, readying for the new beginnings promised to us. Yet worries, anxieties and unhealthy thought patterns may linger and we may find ourselves repeating the same old tiresome patterns as before, and carrying the same burdens. Will we carry these troubles into the future with us? Or will we hold them loosely, gently, and willingly release them as we journey onwards, leaving our troubles behind us?
Friday, December 17, 2010
Daily Diary
Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:37am - 4:55pm
Moon: waxing gibbous, taurus (earth/fixed)
Earth: cold, in the low 20s all day, cloudy with some snow flurries in the evening
Thoughts: trolls on the blog bitching at me for posting the "long goodbye" series explaining why I'm deciding not to blog anymore, demanding why I'm "making such a big deal of it"; the nature of bias when it comes to science v. the humanities, math v. art, and the assumption of superiority in the methods of scientific quantification and measurement, as if this is the only way we can know anything; why is the winter holiday season so difficult this year? I really can't get into it at all, the house isn't decorated and I am hardly even looking forward to gift exchange when usually I absolutely love picking out presents and wrapping them up all wonderfully and all of that...
Actions: wrote up a to-do list to make it through today; dealt with trollish commenters by turning comments off on the blog; very brief walk in the woods after breakfast; prepped more card stock for one last attempt at the Christmas gift crafts; tweaked GIMP images for the crafts; sanded and drilled and prepared the kids chosen bits for their craft project this weekend; watched an episode of the Daily Show with Jeff over lunch about the disgusting behavior of Congress, which won't pass health care for 9/11 first responders; got in a good solid chunk of time doing contractor work (figured out a new system that I think will improve my efficiency a little bit); stopped by the bank; reserved our hotel room for during our stay in Lancaster; made a trip to the pet store for Cu's Solstice present; went to the grocery store to stock up on food for a week with the kids; wrapped a bunch of presents when we got home and finished up the craft projects (just have to let dry overnight, but I'm feeling good about this latest attempt)
Connections: Jeff says the planets and moon are doing some wonky shit right around the lunar eclipse on the solstice, forming a huge cross in the sky that, on the west coast, will be perfectly aligned to the horizon when the eclipse happens; I'm just feeling generally exhausted and not exactly up for five days of the kids, so I'm thinking I'll be escaping to the library or cafรฉ at least a few times this week in order to get some work done and just relax a bit
Daily Tarot Card: The Ace of Cups again, and I am impatient for something new, as I don't know what this card might mean today - a gift, or a warning, or perhaps it is irrelevant? A card of new beginnings, the first ripple in the pond, the first overflowing of the wellspring of imagination, emotion, intuition and subconscious mind that may become a river seeking its way to the ocean. I draw again and pull the Six of Swords, a card of journey and transition as a new cycle begins. Borne by the swift passage to a new place, the problems of the world that have worried us seem small and less important, yet if we are not careful we may find that we carry them along with us, old thought patterns and stresses that will influence the new cycle that is beginning. Perhaps, instead, this card is an invitation to find comfort, peace and strength in the transition itself, the process of change and flux that can so often leave us exhausted, drained and weak. Can this journey give us a sense of release and renewal, if we let it?
Moon: waxing gibbous, taurus (earth/fixed)
Earth: cold, in the low 20s all day, cloudy with some snow flurries in the evening
Thoughts: trolls on the blog bitching at me for posting the "long goodbye" series explaining why I'm deciding not to blog anymore, demanding why I'm "making such a big deal of it"; the nature of bias when it comes to science v. the humanities, math v. art, and the assumption of superiority in the methods of scientific quantification and measurement, as if this is the only way we can know anything; why is the winter holiday season so difficult this year? I really can't get into it at all, the house isn't decorated and I am hardly even looking forward to gift exchange when usually I absolutely love picking out presents and wrapping them up all wonderfully and all of that...
Actions: wrote up a to-do list to make it through today; dealt with trollish commenters by turning comments off on the blog; very brief walk in the woods after breakfast; prepped more card stock for one last attempt at the Christmas gift crafts; tweaked GIMP images for the crafts; sanded and drilled and prepared the kids chosen bits for their craft project this weekend; watched an episode of the Daily Show with Jeff over lunch about the disgusting behavior of Congress, which won't pass health care for 9/11 first responders; got in a good solid chunk of time doing contractor work (figured out a new system that I think will improve my efficiency a little bit); stopped by the bank; reserved our hotel room for during our stay in Lancaster; made a trip to the pet store for Cu's Solstice present; went to the grocery store to stock up on food for a week with the kids; wrapped a bunch of presents when we got home and finished up the craft projects (just have to let dry overnight, but I'm feeling good about this latest attempt)
Connections: Jeff says the planets and moon are doing some wonky shit right around the lunar eclipse on the solstice, forming a huge cross in the sky that, on the west coast, will be perfectly aligned to the horizon when the eclipse happens; I'm just feeling generally exhausted and not exactly up for five days of the kids, so I'm thinking I'll be escaping to the library or cafรฉ at least a few times this week in order to get some work done and just relax a bit
Daily Tarot Card: The Ace of Cups again, and I am impatient for something new, as I don't know what this card might mean today - a gift, or a warning, or perhaps it is irrelevant? A card of new beginnings, the first ripple in the pond, the first overflowing of the wellspring of imagination, emotion, intuition and subconscious mind that may become a river seeking its way to the ocean. I draw again and pull the Six of Swords, a card of journey and transition as a new cycle begins. Borne by the swift passage to a new place, the problems of the world that have worried us seem small and less important, yet if we are not careful we may find that we carry them along with us, old thought patterns and stresses that will influence the new cycle that is beginning. Perhaps, instead, this card is an invitation to find comfort, peace and strength in the transition itself, the process of change and flux that can so often leave us exhausted, drained and weak. Can this journey give us a sense of release and renewal, if we let it?
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Daily Diary
Days of Note: Flamekeeping
Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:37am - 4:55pm
Moon: waxing gibbous, taurus (earth/fixed)
Earth: cold all day, mostly cloudy but no snowfall
Thoughts: had trouble sleeping last night, so spent some time thinking about some potential fiction writing stories (inspired by de Lint's book of short stories - it turns out he does improve as a storyteller after his first novel, or at least, in short story form he does); this morning spent some time discussing Emily'sexcuses apologies for her emails; discussed hormonal imbalances and psychosomatic symptoms, and whether or not we should be concerned about the kids if she's claiming she has that little control over her outbursts
Actions: still trying to get these damned craft projects to turn out right (slowly running out of both time and supplies - family might have to deal with crappy Christmas presents this year); got in a really good and satisfying chunk of time doing contractor work today, ran by Michael's, watched some episodes of Buffy in the evening with Jeff
Connections: still in denial about Christmas time and coping by trying to get these presents to turn out halfway decent; also, haven't been keeping up with the daily meditating now that I'm not doing it in conjunction with the diary keeping in the mornings anymore - this was the first flamekeeping shift was I was so completely distracted that I didn't have a chance to do any sort of meditation (but I did wear the flame all day, and I spent a good chunk of time in the middle of the night last night praying to Brigid and composing some chants to her, though now I don't really remember them); on the other hand, when I sat down with my computer and tarot deck to do my journaling tonight, I felt a kind of wash of happy I'm-so-glad-I'm-Pagan enjoyment in the prospect
Daily Tarot Card: The Seven of Cups is a card of dreams, fantasies and choices. While it may be easy to become ungrounded and loose perspective, lost in a dreamworld chasing unrealistic goals and selfish ambitions, the paradox of seven is that with limitless possibilities also comes the potential to deepen, to grow, to become more truly yourself. (My note: I draw this card again, on a day when I am sleep deprived and feeling ungrounded due to a restless night of dreams and imaginary conversations and arguments, not to mention our over-indulgence in television this evening, which is a kind of fantasy-world in itself. Perhaps this is reminding me to keep my "eye on the prize," so to speak, and pursue activities that I know will help me to cultivate my true, authentic self, even if I'm feeling tired or distracted. At the same time, I find myself not feeling as stressed out about this card as I was before when it kept coming up. I am feeling more connection to the man with the map, than to the wild-eyed woman reaching for the floating citadel. I think this means I've been making some progress in dealing with the energies, patterns and behaviors this card represents for me.)
Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:37am - 4:55pm
Moon: waxing gibbous, taurus (earth/fixed)
Earth: cold all day, mostly cloudy but no snowfall
Thoughts: had trouble sleeping last night, so spent some time thinking about some potential fiction writing stories (inspired by de Lint's book of short stories - it turns out he does improve as a storyteller after his first novel, or at least, in short story form he does); this morning spent some time discussing Emily's
Actions: still trying to get these damned craft projects to turn out right (slowly running out of both time and supplies - family might have to deal with crappy Christmas presents this year); got in a really good and satisfying chunk of time doing contractor work today, ran by Michael's, watched some episodes of Buffy in the evening with Jeff
Connections: still in denial about Christmas time and coping by trying to get these presents to turn out halfway decent; also, haven't been keeping up with the daily meditating now that I'm not doing it in conjunction with the diary keeping in the mornings anymore - this was the first flamekeeping shift was I was so completely distracted that I didn't have a chance to do any sort of meditation (but I did wear the flame all day, and I spent a good chunk of time in the middle of the night last night praying to Brigid and composing some chants to her, though now I don't really remember them); on the other hand, when I sat down with my computer and tarot deck to do my journaling tonight, I felt a kind of wash of happy I'm-so-glad-I'm-Pagan enjoyment in the prospect
Daily Tarot Card: The Seven of Cups is a card of dreams, fantasies and choices. While it may be easy to become ungrounded and loose perspective, lost in a dreamworld chasing unrealistic goals and selfish ambitions, the paradox of seven is that with limitless possibilities also comes the potential to deepen, to grow, to become more truly yourself. (My note: I draw this card again, on a day when I am sleep deprived and feeling ungrounded due to a restless night of dreams and imaginary conversations and arguments, not to mention our over-indulgence in television this evening, which is a kind of fantasy-world in itself. Perhaps this is reminding me to keep my "eye on the prize," so to speak, and pursue activities that I know will help me to cultivate my true, authentic self, even if I'm feeling tired or distracted. At the same time, I find myself not feeling as stressed out about this card as I was before when it kept coming up. I am feeling more connection to the man with the map, than to the wild-eyed woman reaching for the floating citadel. I think this means I've been making some progress in dealing with the energies, patterns and behaviors this card represents for me.)
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Daily Diary
Days of Note: Flamekeeping (begins at sundown)
Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:36am - 4:54pm
Moon: waxing gibbous, aries (fire/cardinal)
Earth: very cold and snowy all day, though with bright sunlight breaking through occasionally
Thoughts: this morning spent some time thinking about public education and religion in the public sphere, as well as the nature of the religion of the State, the religion of capitalist consumerism and whether the "mythology of the market" aligns with the "moralist therapeutic deism" that the article Jeff read yesterday describes as the predominant description of religion for young people today; spent much of the second half of the day worrying about Emily and her recent bout of rudeness, disrespect and "crazy-making" through her emails, this time going off about how Jeff and I are "liars" who have been telling lies both to her and the children - though what exactly these lies consist of seems unclear, since every time she brings one up and we clarify what actually happened (backed up by email exchanges preserved in the Infinite Gmail Archive of Doom), it turns out that she was just factually wrong or working on very poorly, irrationally drawn conclusions; most of her accusations center around two things: whether or not we "left early" from Josh's birthday party more than a year ago, and whether or not we're being honest with the kids about why she and Jeremy are not invited to our wedding.... apparently, our inability to behave well at parties means we must be lying to her about our finances, though I'm not sure how she makes this leap
Actions: spent some of the day finishing the Christmas gift crafts for my family and preparing the craft supplies for the kids project this coming weekend (though why I should help the kids make gifts for their mom when she's been so rude and disrespectful to me, I don't know - I'm just that kind of person, I guess); spent a little bit of time on contractor work; spent far too much of my day composing angry emails to Emily, talking with Jeff about her baseless accusations and trying to figure out what to do and how I can help him and be supportive without feeding her irrational hatred of me; this evening, Jeff and I spent some time in meditation followed by some divination to seek clarity on the situation; my flamekeeping shift started at sundown and I had intended to do some meditative and possible trance work, but obviously was distracted (so... count that as not-an-action for today)
Connections: I realize that my anal retentive tendency to keep track of my schedule and save all emails really does pay off, when it means I can look back through my records to provide evidence for what was or was not done or said when dealing with someone who has a tendency to (willfully, perhaps) misremember the past; another reason this diary is also a good idea - a public record of my daily thoughts and deeds may come in handy if future accusations of dishonesty or duplicity arise; after all, it's hard to lie in such detail and consistency on a daily basis
Daily Tarot Card: The Hanged Man (XII) A card of willing self-sacrifice and surrender, as well as a card of emotional release. The Hanged Man relinquishes his control in order to gain wisdom and insight into the nature of being. He surrenders to the greater patterns that govern the world and accepts what is beyond his control, yet his surrender itself is an act of discipline and choice, arising from the only thing over which he does have control: his own actions and choices. This act of self-surrender brings about a shift in perspective, flipping the world on its head and revealing mysteries that once were hidden or incomprehensible.
(My note: Although I did refrain from sending the full-length letter (referenced in the previous divination post) to Emily - I do feel that the act of writing it was, to a certain extent, an emotional release as well as a relinquishing of control. It reminded me once again that, whatever other crazy-messy things are going on in the world, I do have control over one thing at least: my ability to choose, to give of myself willingly and to enter into the patterns of the world with my whole being. This is an important lesson to remember as I approach a marriage to a man who has a far from simple family situation. I do not have control over this, and it is going to be (and has been) difficult for me to keep this in mind and reign in my temper in response to my fears of being held in obligation to another. As I prayed to Brigid during my meditation earlier: I embrace the attending and self-sacrifice that She asks of me, in the service of the peace, beauty, freedom, justice and love that are Her gifts. But I do not want to surrender my will to the caprice of another human being who has only selfish intentions at heart. This distinction is difficult to make sometimes, so I ask my goddess's help in recognizing when to act, and when to let go.)
Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:36am - 4:54pm
Moon: waxing gibbous, aries (fire/cardinal)
Earth: very cold and snowy all day, though with bright sunlight breaking through occasionally
Thoughts: this morning spent some time thinking about public education and religion in the public sphere, as well as the nature of the religion of the State, the religion of capitalist consumerism and whether the "mythology of the market" aligns with the "moralist therapeutic deism" that the article Jeff read yesterday describes as the predominant description of religion for young people today; spent much of the second half of the day worrying about Emily and her recent bout of rudeness, disrespect and "crazy-making" through her emails, this time going off about how Jeff and I are "liars" who have been telling lies both to her and the children - though what exactly these lies consist of seems unclear, since every time she brings one up and we clarify what actually happened (backed up by email exchanges preserved in the Infinite Gmail Archive of Doom), it turns out that she was just factually wrong or working on very poorly, irrationally drawn conclusions; most of her accusations center around two things: whether or not we "left early" from Josh's birthday party more than a year ago, and whether or not we're being honest with the kids about why she and Jeremy are not invited to our wedding.... apparently, our inability to behave well at parties means we must be lying to her about our finances, though I'm not sure how she makes this leap
Actions: spent some of the day finishing the Christmas gift crafts for my family and preparing the craft supplies for the kids project this coming weekend (though why I should help the kids make gifts for their mom when she's been so rude and disrespectful to me, I don't know - I'm just that kind of person, I guess); spent a little bit of time on contractor work; spent far too much of my day composing angry emails to Emily, talking with Jeff about her baseless accusations and trying to figure out what to do and how I can help him and be supportive without feeding her irrational hatred of me; this evening, Jeff and I spent some time in meditation followed by some divination to seek clarity on the situation; my flamekeeping shift started at sundown and I had intended to do some meditative and possible trance work, but obviously was distracted (so... count that as not-an-action for today)
Connections: I realize that my anal retentive tendency to keep track of my schedule and save all emails really does pay off, when it means I can look back through my records to provide evidence for what was or was not done or said when dealing with someone who has a tendency to (willfully, perhaps) misremember the past; another reason this diary is also a good idea - a public record of my daily thoughts and deeds may come in handy if future accusations of dishonesty or duplicity arise; after all, it's hard to lie in such detail and consistency on a daily basis
Daily Tarot Card: The Hanged Man (XII) A card of willing self-sacrifice and surrender, as well as a card of emotional release. The Hanged Man relinquishes his control in order to gain wisdom and insight into the nature of being. He surrenders to the greater patterns that govern the world and accepts what is beyond his control, yet his surrender itself is an act of discipline and choice, arising from the only thing over which he does have control: his own actions and choices. This act of self-surrender brings about a shift in perspective, flipping the world on its head and revealing mysteries that once were hidden or incomprehensible.
(My note: Although I did refrain from sending the full-length letter (referenced in the previous divination post) to Emily - I do feel that the act of writing it was, to a certain extent, an emotional release as well as a relinquishing of control. It reminded me once again that, whatever other crazy-messy things are going on in the world, I do have control over one thing at least: my ability to choose, to give of myself willingly and to enter into the patterns of the world with my whole being. This is an important lesson to remember as I approach a marriage to a man who has a far from simple family situation. I do not have control over this, and it is going to be (and has been) difficult for me to keep this in mind and reign in my temper in response to my fears of being held in obligation to another. As I prayed to Brigid during my meditation earlier: I embrace the attending and self-sacrifice that She asks of me, in the service of the peace, beauty, freedom, justice and love that are Her gifts. But I do not want to surrender my will to the caprice of another human being who has only selfish intentions at heart. This distinction is difficult to make sometimes, so I ask my goddess's help in recognizing when to act, and when to let go.)
Friday, November 19, 2010
Daily Diary
Sun: scorpio (water/fixed), 7:11am - 5:00pm
Moon: **waxing gibbous, taurus (earth/fixed)
Earth: bright morning with few scattered clouds
Thoughts: feeling better than yesterday, not so despondent or frustrated; thinking about group forum decision and also trying to prepare for the ritual; thinking about giving up Facebook for a while (at least for a week) and trying to reground, do some serious spiritual work instead, perhaps even do a semi-fast when we return from visiting my parents
Actions: go to bank today; go to grocery store to get "Thanksgiving dinner" for the kids for this weekend; try some Active Imagination meditation perhaps (incorporating DOTR lesson 2 sea/water meditation maybe); want to write something creative and/or something for the blog
Connections: feeling a bit washed out, but already not as distracted now that I'm trying to avoid Facebook; FB is such a huge drain - it puts you in touch with all the people who seem to be doing even a little bit better than you, yet prevents you from getting anything done yourself b/c you're constantly getting caught up in nonsense and debates; it's like watching the Nightly News, my mother always insists she needs to do it in order to stay informed, but it's worthless and doesn't help with anything but increase stress and mental noise while keeping you up late; so I think a Facebook fast is definitely a good idea
Daily Tarot Card: The Queen of Cups dances through the universe in touch with the currents of emotion, intuition and imagination, yet able to move through them with grace and composure. Sometimes seeming reserved, she is attuned to the depths of the ocean and the distant songs of starlight, and she navigates the mysteries gently, with sensitivity to her own emotional landscape as well as the feelings of those around her. (My note: During my meditation, I found my mind wandering over images of Brigid as a figure with dark, flowing hair, moving with the turning stars and rocking with the rhythm of the deep waters of the sea — in this deck, the Queen of Cups imagery strongly mirrors this symbolism and connects it to creativity and poetry.)
Moon: **waxing gibbous, taurus (earth/fixed)
Earth: bright morning with few scattered clouds
Thoughts: feeling better than yesterday, not so despondent or frustrated; thinking about group forum decision and also trying to prepare for the ritual; thinking about giving up Facebook for a while (at least for a week) and trying to reground, do some serious spiritual work instead, perhaps even do a semi-fast when we return from visiting my parents
Actions: go to bank today; go to grocery store to get "Thanksgiving dinner" for the kids for this weekend; try some Active Imagination meditation perhaps (incorporating DOTR lesson 2 sea/water meditation maybe); want to write something creative and/or something for the blog
Connections: feeling a bit washed out, but already not as distracted now that I'm trying to avoid Facebook; FB is such a huge drain - it puts you in touch with all the people who seem to be doing even a little bit better than you, yet prevents you from getting anything done yourself b/c you're constantly getting caught up in nonsense and debates; it's like watching the Nightly News, my mother always insists she needs to do it in order to stay informed, but it's worthless and doesn't help with anything but increase stress and mental noise while keeping you up late; so I think a Facebook fast is definitely a good idea
Daily Tarot Card: The Queen of Cups dances through the universe in touch with the currents of emotion, intuition and imagination, yet able to move through them with grace and composure. Sometimes seeming reserved, she is attuned to the depths of the ocean and the distant songs of starlight, and she navigates the mysteries gently, with sensitivity to her own emotional landscape as well as the feelings of those around her. (My note: During my meditation, I found my mind wandering over images of Brigid as a figure with dark, flowing hair, moving with the turning stars and rocking with the rhythm of the deep waters of the sea — in this deck, the Queen of Cups imagery strongly mirrors this symbolism and connects it to creativity and poetry.)
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Daily Diary
Sun: scorpio (water/fixed), 7:10am - 5:00pm
Moon: **waxing gibbous, aries (fire/cardinal)
Earth: cold and rainy all day
Thoughts: just a pretty awful day full of feelings of bitterness, rejection, alienation and frustration; tensions in the Brigid group over leadership decisions, probably aggravated by me being too touchy about stuff I needn't have been touchy over, hopefully they've been resolved (after apologies on my part which I hope will be accepted); frustration over PNC editorial board meeting being scheduled during Thanksgiving week when I won't have computer access, and how absolutely no one responded to a post to the group earlier on issues of objectivity, authority, transparency, etc.; work went well and I enjoyed it, probably one of the few things today that didn't depress me; Facebook inanity and people never ceasing to post article after article about all the petty, stupid shit that's wrong with this country and this culture; then I find out that the sensationalized pat-downs=rape story was picked up and mentioned in Newsweek, which pretty much means my opinions about journalistic integrity mean nothing whatsoever, since I clearly don't know what I'm talking about and sex does sell and violence is cool and I'm inclined to agree with that Tool song about how we're all a bunch of voyeuristic vampires... but I can't do it anymore, so I'm thinking of getting the hell off of Facebook once and for all, and possibly putting the blog on hiatus for several months at least until I can get some perspective, find some direction or at least not feel so absolutely shitty about how little my work means
Actions: did a couple hours of work; managed to set up preferences with the software so it's working pretty well now; got Cu some cat food and cooed at the kittens up for adoption from the shelter for a while; watched some old episodes of Buffy with Jeff; the amulet I ordered to consecrate to Brigid on Sunday night's full moon ritual arrived and is even more beautiful than the pictures
Connections: my life is good and my work is meaningful... so why do I feel like such worthless, unwanted shit? maybe I just wish the world were different; but I sure as hell know that being on Facebook isn't going to change that; what will change that is me spending the time necessary to understand who I am and what my soul work is, and then doing that with as much love and courage as I can... and letting myself have bad days sometimes, I guess
Daily Tarot Card: The Wheel of Fortune (X) turns and all things are connected, interwoven and ever-changing, the ring that makes the happy one weep and the grief-stricken attempt a smile: this too shall pass. Stories move through the world with no beginning and no end, only destiny and fate in an intimate, strange and simple dance with individual choice and will. These patterns which repeat arise from our own habits of thought and being. If we are unhappy with them, we have the opportunity to change as the cycle shifts and we begin anew. But to make such change, to participate joyfully in the spiraling dance, we must sometimes pause, step back, and seek perspective.
Moon: **waxing gibbous, aries (fire/cardinal)
Earth: cold and rainy all day
Thoughts: just a pretty awful day full of feelings of bitterness, rejection, alienation and frustration; tensions in the Brigid group over leadership decisions, probably aggravated by me being too touchy about stuff I needn't have been touchy over, hopefully they've been resolved (after apologies on my part which I hope will be accepted); frustration over PNC editorial board meeting being scheduled during Thanksgiving week when I won't have computer access, and how absolutely no one responded to a post to the group earlier on issues of objectivity, authority, transparency, etc.; work went well and I enjoyed it, probably one of the few things today that didn't depress me; Facebook inanity and people never ceasing to post article after article about all the petty, stupid shit that's wrong with this country and this culture; then I find out that the sensationalized pat-downs=rape story was picked up and mentioned in Newsweek, which pretty much means my opinions about journalistic integrity mean nothing whatsoever, since I clearly don't know what I'm talking about and sex does sell and violence is cool and I'm inclined to agree with that Tool song about how we're all a bunch of voyeuristic vampires... but I can't do it anymore, so I'm thinking of getting the hell off of Facebook once and for all, and possibly putting the blog on hiatus for several months at least until I can get some perspective, find some direction or at least not feel so absolutely shitty about how little my work means
Actions: did a couple hours of work; managed to set up preferences with the software so it's working pretty well now; got Cu some cat food and cooed at the kittens up for adoption from the shelter for a while; watched some old episodes of Buffy with Jeff; the amulet I ordered to consecrate to Brigid on Sunday night's full moon ritual arrived and is even more beautiful than the pictures
Connections: my life is good and my work is meaningful... so why do I feel like such worthless, unwanted shit? maybe I just wish the world were different; but I sure as hell know that being on Facebook isn't going to change that; what will change that is me spending the time necessary to understand who I am and what my soul work is, and then doing that with as much love and courage as I can... and letting myself have bad days sometimes, I guess
Daily Tarot Card: The Wheel of Fortune (X) turns and all things are connected, interwoven and ever-changing, the ring that makes the happy one weep and the grief-stricken attempt a smile: this too shall pass. Stories move through the world with no beginning and no end, only destiny and fate in an intimate, strange and simple dance with individual choice and will. These patterns which repeat arise from our own habits of thought and being. If we are unhappy with them, we have the opportunity to change as the cycle shifts and we begin anew. But to make such change, to participate joyfully in the spiraling dance, we must sometimes pause, step back, and seek perspective.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Daily Diary
Sun: scorpio (water/fixed), 7:08am - 5:01pm
Moon: *waxing gibbous, aries (fire/cardinal)
Earth: blustery and gray, the wind has been howling for the past few hours and dawn came slow and dim, barely noticeable as the sun rose into clouds
Thoughts: awoke at least an hour before the 6am alarm, feeling anxious and turning over politics in my mind, the phrase "losing the war" kept coming up, listing all the ways people are so easily distracted by the small things without ever noticing or turning their attention to the underlying patterns of violence, and yet life is also very beautiful and full of joy; thinking about a post for P+P on receptivity and "passive-ism" as aspects of pacifism in a positive way; the myth of men at the mercy of sexual impulse as part of systemic patriarchy; the idea that humans are inherently violent another aspect of this, maintained despite all the evidence of the lengths we'll go not to have to do violence to others; thinking about the Brigid ritual coming up and decorating the altar area; very much looking forward to that work, I still find myself very excited by it; thinking about Savanah's next lesson and trying to plan ahead a bit; wondering what my next assignment for work will be and when it will come, wondering how much money will come in from this job; feeling guilty over still not finishing the article about nonprofit tax status, work on that sometime this week probably; just this feeling of anxiety in my chest, and frustration, but also excitement and happiness and energy, all of it stirred up by the wind
Actions: today is another "wedding wednesday," which means writing to the officiant to see if he's available and willing to do our ceremony (and the approximate cost); perhaps today would also be a good day to experiment with the glass paint as part of the whole "wedding favors" idea, so that I'll have something to bring home and show the parents when we visit for thanksgiving; other than that, going for a walk in the woods; finishing the final draft of the Lady of the Stars full moon ritual and posting it to the group; possibly write up a post for either P+P or Meadowsweet (for my blog, some thoughts on the different types of meditation, or something like that, though I feel as though I haven't done a substantive post in a while)
Connections: this kind of free-floating anxiety happens sometimes, and I think the best solution is to just plunge into work and get some things accomplished, but not give the anxiety too much leeway, don't follow it where it wants to go — at least not too much, except perhaps in writing; I honestly think part of it is the wind riling me up this morning in the pre-dawn dark
Daily Tarot Card: The Six of Wands is a card of victory and accomplishment, triumph over obstacles and success in the eyes of others. However, such success may provoke rivals and challengers, and so though hard work has produced fruits already, this is also a card of movement, continuing to strive and seek out new challenges and new ways of continuing to grow. This card can be a warning against lassitude and "resting on your laurels," but it also signifies positive change in the future as a result of continued effort.
Moon: *waxing gibbous, aries (fire/cardinal)
Earth: blustery and gray, the wind has been howling for the past few hours and dawn came slow and dim, barely noticeable as the sun rose into clouds
Thoughts: awoke at least an hour before the 6am alarm, feeling anxious and turning over politics in my mind, the phrase "losing the war" kept coming up, listing all the ways people are so easily distracted by the small things without ever noticing or turning their attention to the underlying patterns of violence, and yet life is also very beautiful and full of joy; thinking about a post for P+P on receptivity and "passive-ism" as aspects of pacifism in a positive way; the myth of men at the mercy of sexual impulse as part of systemic patriarchy; the idea that humans are inherently violent another aspect of this, maintained despite all the evidence of the lengths we'll go not to have to do violence to others; thinking about the Brigid ritual coming up and decorating the altar area; very much looking forward to that work, I still find myself very excited by it; thinking about Savanah's next lesson and trying to plan ahead a bit; wondering what my next assignment for work will be and when it will come, wondering how much money will come in from this job; feeling guilty over still not finishing the article about nonprofit tax status, work on that sometime this week probably; just this feeling of anxiety in my chest, and frustration, but also excitement and happiness and energy, all of it stirred up by the wind
Actions: today is another "wedding wednesday," which means writing to the officiant to see if he's available and willing to do our ceremony (and the approximate cost); perhaps today would also be a good day to experiment with the glass paint as part of the whole "wedding favors" idea, so that I'll have something to bring home and show the parents when we visit for thanksgiving; other than that, going for a walk in the woods; finishing the final draft of the Lady of the Stars full moon ritual and posting it to the group; possibly write up a post for either P+P or Meadowsweet (for my blog, some thoughts on the different types of meditation, or something like that, though I feel as though I haven't done a substantive post in a while)
Connections: this kind of free-floating anxiety happens sometimes, and I think the best solution is to just plunge into work and get some things accomplished, but not give the anxiety too much leeway, don't follow it where it wants to go — at least not too much, except perhaps in writing; I honestly think part of it is the wind riling me up this morning in the pre-dawn dark
Daily Tarot Card: The Six of Wands is a card of victory and accomplishment, triumph over obstacles and success in the eyes of others. However, such success may provoke rivals and challengers, and so though hard work has produced fruits already, this is also a card of movement, continuing to strive and seek out new challenges and new ways of continuing to grow. This card can be a warning against lassitude and "resting on your laurels," but it also signifies positive change in the future as a result of continued effort.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Daily Diary
Sun: scorpio (water/fixed), 7:07am - 5:02pm
Moon: *waxing gibbous, pisces (water/mutable), void-of-course
Earth: gray, drizzling all day, chilly and misty, the rain has brought down almost all the leaves from the trees over the past couple days
Thoughts: thinking about my new job with a mix of enthusiasm and anxiety, wanting to do well and be good enough, wanting to exceed my own current competency levels and get better; planning ahead about next week's busy schedule; thinking about how best to arrange the bedroom furniture, what needs to be cleaned and prepared for when my dad comes; thinking about the white kids suicides being featured so much on the news lately, as if this type of things hasn't been going on for years; thinking about how idiotic politicians are when it comes to short term memory (having watched last night's episode of The Daily Show over lunch with Jeff); thinking about the PNC and hoping it doesn't get sucked up into "politics as government" and partisanship and all that
Actions: work this morning, finished up the transcriptions, now waiting to hear about my next assignment/project; work on ritual some, perhaps, writing up a final draft; cleaning; trip to Michaels (seriously, this time); post to Meadowsweet
Connections: general interest and concern about the new job, which is totally natural of course; not very many "distracting" thoughts; I'd much rather be thinking about plans and productive things than worrying over silly stress, etc.
Daily Tarot Card: The Knight of Wands rushes into action, impetuous and energetic and ready for adventure, whatever lies ahead. Heroic, clever and courageous, he can also spark rivalry and instigate conflict through his arrogance or rashness, for he lacks the maturity and self-restraint at times to check his energy and passion out of respect for those around him. He is a figure of action and strength which can sometimes be overwhelming or overbearing.
Moon: *waxing gibbous, pisces (water/mutable), void-of-course
Earth: gray, drizzling all day, chilly and misty, the rain has brought down almost all the leaves from the trees over the past couple days
Thoughts: thinking about my new job with a mix of enthusiasm and anxiety, wanting to do well and be good enough, wanting to exceed my own current competency levels and get better; planning ahead about next week's busy schedule; thinking about how best to arrange the bedroom furniture, what needs to be cleaned and prepared for when my dad comes; thinking about the white kids suicides being featured so much on the news lately, as if this type of things hasn't been going on for years; thinking about how idiotic politicians are when it comes to short term memory (having watched last night's episode of The Daily Show over lunch with Jeff); thinking about the PNC and hoping it doesn't get sucked up into "politics as government" and partisanship and all that
Actions: work this morning, finished up the transcriptions, now waiting to hear about my next assignment/project; work on ritual some, perhaps, writing up a final draft; cleaning; trip to Michaels (seriously, this time); post to Meadowsweet
Connections: general interest and concern about the new job, which is totally natural of course; not very many "distracting" thoughts; I'd much rather be thinking about plans and productive things than worrying over silly stress, etc.
Daily Tarot Card: The Knight of Wands rushes into action, impetuous and energetic and ready for adventure, whatever lies ahead. Heroic, clever and courageous, he can also spark rivalry and instigate conflict through his arrogance or rashness, for he lacks the maturity and self-restraint at times to check his energy and passion out of respect for those around him. He is a figure of action and strength which can sometimes be overwhelming or overbearing.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Daily Diary
Sun: scorpio (water/fixed), 7:06am - 5:03pm
Moon: waxing gibbous, pisces (water/mutable)
Earth: dense fog this morning, burning off in mid-morning sun, cooler than last week with some scattered clouds
Thoughts: woke up around 2am feeling intensely dizzy, possibly from combined lack of food and intense spiritual work of the past week or so; feeling a bit better now though not 100%; concerned about Jeff's cold, going on more than a week now with lots of coughing and sniffling; Emily is in rare form this morning with some ridiculous emails to Jeff complaining about various things the kids reported to her about their stay with us this weekend (everything from the kind of tea we gave them, to the fact that Josh ate pepperoni which might have had corn in it, which he might be allergic to, even though he's showing no symptoms whatsoever and he's never been to a doctor for this supposed allergy, and even though Jeff and I are both vegetarians and would prefer that the kids not eat meat anyway, but Emily insists that being vegetarian is unhealthy...); it bothers me that she feels comfortable inventing allergies and other illnesses for the kids, but refuses to have them confirmed by a doctor, and on the times when she does take them to the doctor, she refuses to take any financial responsibility whatsoever — if you were a responsible parent and you thought your child might be sick or allergic, wouldn't you want to have a doctor check it out? and if you're going to spend money on expensive toys for yourself and your new husband (like the most expensive kind of internet, the most expensive kinds of clothing, hiring a housekeeper even though you're a stay-at-home mom, etc.), wouldn't you first want to think about putting money towards the kids you already have and taking care of their current needs as well as providing them with some sort of cushion for the future..... sometimes it is so difficult not to intensely dislike this woman, it really does seem like she invents reasons for her to be controlling of other people's lives (if Josh has a rare allergy to a really common food, all the more need for her to exercise strict control over his diet and interfere with everyone he comes into contact with who might give him food) — which is all the more obvious considering he's had pepperoni pizza several times with us and she has never noticed him exhibiting any symptoms; and on top of that, we hear stories from the kids about Jerilynn getting into the habit of lying to Emily and Jeremy (after we expressed concerned that singling her out for disproportionate punishment for, of all things, getting sick would just make her more prone to lie or hide problems from Emily and Jeremy in the future), Josh getting repeatedly banged in the face while rough-housing with Jeremy, Fiona announcing that the only time they ever get to go to the park is when "mommy is upset and she sends us out of the house," and Emily is worried about corn that may or may not even be a problem for a kid who isn't even showing symptoms!? Jesus.
Actions: skipped yoga this morning because of dizziness; starting the new job today (setting up network access and software, primarily); possibly making a trip out to the craft store to get ritual supplies (a candle, and glitter); otherwise, I guess just bracing for the firestorm of Emily's irrational rage... sigh
Connections: there are no goddamned connections between what I really do need to get done today, and the unnecessary stress and worry that Emily brings to this family with her immaturity, irresponsibility and disproportionate accusations; I really do not like this woman; on the other hand, Jeff just read a study following up on the "parents are junkies" article that said happiness in married couples peaks at the wedding, remains about the same until it drops with each subsequent child, and then doesn't return to its original highest level until all the children have grown up and left home... which means, since we're marrying right in the middle of raising four young kids (and we're pretty damn happy anyway), our happiness as a couple is quite literally only going to go up as the kids get older.... and that's not even taking into consideration how we'll never have to deal with Emily's inanity and insanity again after the kids are over eighteen... so, Jeff and Ali FTW.
Daily Tarot Card: The Four of Cups illustrates a state of self-absoprtion and introspection that can express itself as a withdrawal from the world, a refusal to engage or accept the gifts being offered but instead settling down into emotional patterns, especially patterns centered around imaginary worries or unjustified grudges. It is a card of stagnation that results from getting too caught up in day-dreams about how things "ought" to be. (My note: So, yes, I get the point. An appropriate warning card... but so hard to take heed and put into practice. The best step at this point is probably just to get to work.)
Moon: waxing gibbous, pisces (water/mutable)
Earth: dense fog this morning, burning off in mid-morning sun, cooler than last week with some scattered clouds
Thoughts: woke up around 2am feeling intensely dizzy, possibly from combined lack of food and intense spiritual work of the past week or so; feeling a bit better now though not 100%; concerned about Jeff's cold, going on more than a week now with lots of coughing and sniffling; Emily is in rare form this morning with some ridiculous emails to Jeff complaining about various things the kids reported to her about their stay with us this weekend (everything from the kind of tea we gave them, to the fact that Josh ate pepperoni which might have had corn in it, which he might be allergic to, even though he's showing no symptoms whatsoever and he's never been to a doctor for this supposed allergy, and even though Jeff and I are both vegetarians and would prefer that the kids not eat meat anyway, but Emily insists that being vegetarian is unhealthy...); it bothers me that she feels comfortable inventing allergies and other illnesses for the kids, but refuses to have them confirmed by a doctor, and on the times when she does take them to the doctor, she refuses to take any financial responsibility whatsoever — if you were a responsible parent and you thought your child might be sick or allergic, wouldn't you want to have a doctor check it out? and if you're going to spend money on expensive toys for yourself and your new husband (like the most expensive kind of internet, the most expensive kinds of clothing, hiring a housekeeper even though you're a stay-at-home mom, etc.), wouldn't you first want to think about putting money towards the kids you already have and taking care of their current needs as well as providing them with some sort of cushion for the future..... sometimes it is so difficult not to intensely dislike this woman, it really does seem like she invents reasons for her to be controlling of other people's lives (if Josh has a rare allergy to a really common food, all the more need for her to exercise strict control over his diet and interfere with everyone he comes into contact with who might give him food) — which is all the more obvious considering he's had pepperoni pizza several times with us and she has never noticed him exhibiting any symptoms; and on top of that, we hear stories from the kids about Jerilynn getting into the habit of lying to Emily and Jeremy (after we expressed concerned that singling her out for disproportionate punishment for, of all things, getting sick would just make her more prone to lie or hide problems from Emily and Jeremy in the future), Josh getting repeatedly banged in the face while rough-housing with Jeremy, Fiona announcing that the only time they ever get to go to the park is when "mommy is upset and she sends us out of the house," and Emily is worried about corn that may or may not even be a problem for a kid who isn't even showing symptoms!? Jesus.
Actions: skipped yoga this morning because of dizziness; starting the new job today (setting up network access and software, primarily); possibly making a trip out to the craft store to get ritual supplies (a candle, and glitter); otherwise, I guess just bracing for the firestorm of Emily's irrational rage... sigh
Connections: there are no goddamned connections between what I really do need to get done today, and the unnecessary stress and worry that Emily brings to this family with her immaturity, irresponsibility and disproportionate accusations; I really do not like this woman; on the other hand, Jeff just read a study following up on the "parents are junkies" article that said happiness in married couples peaks at the wedding, remains about the same until it drops with each subsequent child, and then doesn't return to its original highest level until all the children have grown up and left home... which means, since we're marrying right in the middle of raising four young kids (and we're pretty damn happy anyway), our happiness as a couple is quite literally only going to go up as the kids get older.... and that's not even taking into consideration how we'll never have to deal with Emily's inanity and insanity again after the kids are over eighteen... so, Jeff and Ali FTW.
Daily Tarot Card: The Four of Cups illustrates a state of self-absoprtion and introspection that can express itself as a withdrawal from the world, a refusal to engage or accept the gifts being offered but instead settling down into emotional patterns, especially patterns centered around imaginary worries or unjustified grudges. It is a card of stagnation that results from getting too caught up in day-dreams about how things "ought" to be. (My note: So, yes, I get the point. An appropriate warning card... but so hard to take heed and put into practice. The best step at this point is probably just to get to work.)
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