Just a quick note: looking again at the calendar of Saturn transits that I wrote up a while back, I see that my last onslaught of major transits (conjunctions with my ascendent, natal Saturn and Pluto, plus one parting sucker-punch square to my MC) started back on, surprise, August 18. It's going to be a rough two months.
During our quick phone call today (or yesterday?), Jeff said that he thought I was handling my Saturn Return much better than he did, since at least I was working consciously with the energies. During his Saturn Return, he was externalizing those energies, so they took the form of other people controlling and pressuring him, leaving him to deal with the real fall-out only seven years later during his next Saturn square (which was, among other things, his divorce).
He has a lot of confidence in me. Generally, I'm just frustrated with myself for being subject to these bouts of crankiness and apparently so easily influenced by the goddamned stars.
But now it's way past when I should have gone to bed. I just don't want to move, since the cat is curled up on the blanket right next to me, and he's so sweet when he twitches, chasing noms in his sleep.
Showing posts with label saturn. Show all posts
Showing posts with label saturn. Show all posts
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Saturn Return: Weekly Meditation (Crossing Ascendent)
Days of Note: Saturn crosses Ascendent
Sun: sagittarius (mutable fire), 7:26 AM - 4:54 PM
Moon: *waxing gibbous, aries (cardinal fire)
Earth: cold, in the mid-to-low 40s most of the day, starting out quite sunny but then fading to gray, cloudy weather; not that I would know, as I spent pretty much all day inside working on various things, but mostly writing
Last night I had a dream that my aunt Tricia, who works from home as a baker of wonderful homemade cakes, cookies and pies, etc., had decided that she wanted to quit baking and go into taxidermy. (Apparently, this dream was probably inspired by a scene from an episode of X-Files that Jeff and I watched together last night, which I was only half paying attention to at the time and must have gotten into my subconscious.) Anyway, in the dream, my aunt decided she really wanted to be a taxidermist, she was fascinated by it. But the only tools she knew how to use were things like blenders and egg beaters. I have some vague visual impression in my mind of some poor animal carcass being tamped down into the thin, tapering container of a blender, the lid fitted on nicely and the switch flipped, resulting in that lovely whirring and the spinning of blood and bone and fur and bits all into a uniform pinkish paste.
This might not have anything to do with anything, but I thought I would jot it down.
I started writing this journal entry at 11:11 PM, though I doubt I'll be finished with it until what is technically Sunday morning. I'm wide awake and not feeling the least bit tired - which is indicative of my sleep schedule these days, where sometimes I feel so lethargic I can't pull myself out of bed before 10 AM, and other days I'm awake before dawn (which, as dark as the days are, isn't really that hard anyway) with plenty of energy to spare. This morning, I woke up at around 5 AM and tossed and turned a bit before finally giving up and getting up entirely at about 6:30 AM. Jeff had to leave to get the kids, and I fell back asleep for another few hours, so I suppose it all evened out. We'll see how I am tomorrow morning. (Jeff, who slept downstairs on the futon because he'd been snoring a lot lately, hardly slept at all last night because of various worries about this weekend, so now he's excused and sound asleep despite me still being awake.)
I hadn't planned to do much work today - or rather, I'd planned to at least try to clean and organize the basement some in preparation for our up-coming move. But two of the four kids were sick with some kind of stomach bug (which had them on a bland diet of food, though neither of them really acted all that sick - it was a nice excuse for everyone to stay quiet and relaxed in bed reading or drawing for much of the day), so thoughts of trying to organize some kind of cleaning extravaganza were out. At one point I sat down to check out John's recent post on No Unsacred Place, which was excellent as usual, and that was the kick in the ass I needed to sit down and work on the piece I'd wanted to do for this coming week about the recent news coming out of the science journals about LUCA, the Last Universal Common Ancestor, being a single, planet-sized mega-organism very similar to a "living ocean" of genetic soup. A pretty cool concept. So I spent all day researching various creation myths from different cultures and drawing comparisons between these and the scientific evidence they have for LUCA, pointing out some of the common themes of primordial chaotic waters, a moment when separation and individuation begins to occur, and the idea of a god being dismembered and the parts of his (or her) corpse being used to actually make the world.
So even though I didn't have any time really to do some formal Saturn Return meditation as I'd planned, I ended up doing quite a bit of contemplation on some of those primordial ancient themes about dissolution, death, separation, limitation and the power of form. Some of the Greek myths actually involve Kronos/Saturn himself, so... there's that.
I find myself really connecting to this idea of a common genetic ancestor in the ancient primordial oceans as a living being that is both an ancestor and a god(dess). This just really jives for me. It works well with my more animistic sensibilities which can sometimes shy away from being overly metaphorical or psychological about the gods and would rather rejoice in and celebrate the Actual Sun Right There See There It Is than in some idea of a sun deity in the abstract. On the other hand, though, it also gives some context to Manannan as a "son of the sea" without having to bear the burden of being the literal sea itself. Manannan mac LUCA, perhaps. Manannan has continued to be an important god to me, and I think I've reconciled myself to just him and Brighid for the time being as a working pair who play nicely together. Manannan is a god of the threshold, the liminal space of the mists, the psychopomp who leads the dead into the other realm, the trickster who will turn things upside-down just for the sake of teasing and challenging. I think there are definitely some parallels here between Manannan (and Manawydan from Welsh mythology) and the figure of Saturn. And strangely enough, while I think of Saturn primarily as a planet and, after that, as some kind of psychological archetype and energetic influence, I find it a lot easier to think of Manannan as an actual god, personified, and able to help me with the Saturn Return. I have no sense that he is Kronos/Saturn, any more than Jeff is, say, Commander Samuel Vimes. But the "real" god Manannan has some understanding of the character/nature/influence of the psychological archetype of Saturn and can give me some insight - like we can have a discussion about it and share our perspectives, in the same way Jeff and I can talk about the characters in Pratchett's books and he can give me insight into what it's like to be a father, something I wouldn't know as much about.
One thing that I was reflecting on just now while I was reading and trying to fall asleep was the nature of Saturn's recent transit through my twelfth house in Libra, the sign and house of my natal moon. I think it was Arroyo who said that Saturn can have a lasting influence when passing through the sign and house of the moon, even when it's not in exact or close aspect to the moon itself. I don't remember precisely when transiting Saturn was exactly conjunct my natal moon, but I do know that the moon is associated with a lot of "mommy issues" - coming to terms with the mother's influence in the family and the inner archetype of the mother in the psyche, as well as grappling with ancestral influences of all kinds that have been "inherited" on the psychic or psychological level. With my moon in Libra, I wonder if I have a particular sensitivity to concepts of fairness, justice, balance and beauty being manifested in the role of the mother - whether by myself or by other "mothers" in my life.
Saturn has been transiting my twelfth house for about two years now, I think. It's soon to cross my ascendent and enter my first house. In fact, looking up my chart just now (at 11:48 PM on Saturday, December 3) I see that transiting Saturn is within 13 minutes of my ascendent and the cusp of my first house. So... maybe that's why I'm suddenly feeling a certain amount of energy and clarity around these issues.
Anyway, as I was lying in bed I suddenly saw all the various ways in which the energy and influence of the mother had been manifesting in my life in ways that provoked my anger or frustration over a sense of violated fairness or justice - in particular in my relationship with Jeff's ex-wife and biological mother to my stepchildren, who has consistently attempted to act in the role of controlling "Mama Bear" figure to both me and Jeff as well as the kids. It hit me that I had been grappling with two issues that were often put at odds with one another.
On the one hand, I wanted things to be Fair - both in the sense of being just and balanced, and also beautiful and harmonious. This led me to a lot of conflict on Jeff's behalf when I felt that his rights as a father were being trampled on or ignored, when he didn't get "his fair share" of time with the kids (even when him having more time with them, and the struggle to get and keep that time that was often involved, left both of us feeling worn out, exhausted and stressed). I also made a lot of judgements - emotionally and ethically - about Emily choosing to stay home and be a "mom," even going on to have another child with her new husband, instead of stepping up to be an "equal partner" in both the divorce (by pulling her weight with joint debt from the previous marriage) and in her own new marriage (which, I will be the first to admit, is none of my business, though I sure do have opinions about it). This judgement - and I won't say it was judgmental necessarily, but it was a judgement, certainly - often had me worrying about the kind of example she was setting for the kids, and my own response was to push back - to balance out her example by becoming even more ambitious (Saturn!) in my own role not as a stepmom but as a "career woman" and female adult role model to the kids. This was me pushing back against the figure of the mother - both in external form and my own potential role - and seeking instead another kind of authority. That has Saturn's influence written all over it.
On the other hand, I also had already learned the lesson - which Saturn had helped teach me before - that to find a harmonious balance it is often important to let go, to release certain emotional blockages or stubborn opinions and to give up being the kind of person who has to control every little thing to make sure it all comes out alright. This was a lesson that I actually learned from my own mother, by bad example. Seeking too much control in a world that is by its very nature so much bigger and more complex than you could ever possibly understand is the very recipe for out of control stress and paranoia. This is what happened to my mother to some extent (though I have to admit that in recent years, perhaps because of the change in her career and my brother and I no longer living at home, she does seem to be improving on this in small ways). The whole thing was, in fact, a lesson all about boundaries and limits (hello again, Saturn old friend!), learning to understand the extent of your own control and when not to push beyond them but instead accept them and trust in the greater harmonies of the universe (there's Saturn, straddling that liminal space between the concrete manifestations of the inner planets and the influences of fate and cosmic force of the outer planets). This was a lesson I knew very well, and something that I continued to affirm to myself consciously. But I was completely piss-poor at actually following through and listening to my own better judgement.
So here were two urges that were definitely working at odds to one another. The urge on the one hand to make sure things were fair and just and balanced - and the desire on the other hand not to become like my own mother and like Jeff's ex-wife, both of whom were excellent examples of the immaturity and stress that characterizes a "control freak" who uses their good intentions to justify their paranoid manipulations and micro-management of everyone around them (essentially being a "mother" to everyone and not being able to trust others to do what's fair or harmonious on their own). Confronted with the glaring evidence that Jeff's ex-wife had no interest in being fair - I think mainly simply because she was incapable of stepping outside of her own perspective in order to see how what she wanted was unfair - it was an incredible challenge for me not to respond by trying to control her.
My response, and something I had to work on with Jeff a lot, was a process of affirming our personal boundaries. It took a lot of push-back and a great deal of stress and hard work every time we were confronted with Emily's tendency to act entitled to private information about our lives that were none of her business or to bombard Jeff with unsolicited emails full of advice about issues of which she had little to no actual knowledge. We worked hard, as a couple and equal partners in the matter, to help each cope with that stress and reaffirm our right to establish clear, healthy boundaries. But mostly, it sucked. I've been getting down on myself a lot over the past couple years about my feelings of having failed at this work, or at least of having responded in ways that were not helpful or healthy. And definitely there were times when our attempts to establish strong boundaries crossed the line into an attempt to control or compensate for Emily's disrespectful or manipulative behavior. But looking back now, I actually feel like we did an okay job. One recent change came about when I broke down and asked some folks on an internet forum if they had any resources that might help. One person responded and pointed me to the "Ten Commandments for Low-Contact Parallel Parenting with High-Drama Ex's." (The idea of having a short, authoritative list of simple rules to follow.... yeah, Saturn, you bet.) Jeff and I read this over, saw a lot of ways that we were already following the techniques suggested and a lot of other places where we could improve. So we started following the rules, and we sent a copy of them to Emily asking her to abide by them as well. (This was after we caught her in a bald-faced lie about one of the kids' health issues, which for us was the final straw and, in some ways, a relief that her manipulation could no longer be denied or explained away.... though of course, that didn't stop her from trying.)
That was about two months ago now, I think. Today, Jeremy confronted Jeff when he went to pick up the kids to let him know that two of them weren't feeling well - and for good measure threw in his own two cents about how "this silent treatment isn't having the effect we [Jeff and I] were hoping it would have." The comment had Jeff fuming when he got home, but he and I talked about it and were able to laugh off the continued arrogance and immaturity. I pointed out to him that our stress has definitely gone down and we don't waste nearly as much time in pointless conflict with Emily; meanwhile, we have more energy when we do have the kids and less anxiety over every little issue that might somehow make its way back to us, so our time with them is more enjoyable than it was before. Whatever Jeremy and Emily think, the technique is most definitely doing what we'd hoped it would do on our end. Jeremy simply declaring that it wasn't working - without asking Jeff's feelings on the matter - was just one more example of why the Low-Contact Parenting techniques were a good idea after all.
One of the things that I think was most helpful about the Low-Contact Parenting was that it helped us to recognize when we were crossing the line from "affirming healthy boundaries" to "pushing back and trying to control others." With rules that restrict our email use to only short messages pertaining specifically to the kids themselves and that avoid intentionally provocative language, for instance, we're forced to catch ourselves before we shoot off that obnoxious letter that we secretly hope will smack Emily back into her place and divest her of any delusions she has about our opinion. The rules work because they ask us to turn a critical eye back onto our own behavior and to recognize when we're demanding something that we should probably just not expect given what is and is not within our reasonable ability to control. These rules give us a structure whereby we can learn how to find a balance between our sense of fairness and our need to appreciate our limits. (And I'm using "we" a lot here because it's something Jeff and I have mostly worked on together, but in many ways this is a lot about my own issues.) But all of this only came after we had done the difficult work of establishing boundaries that could safely secure at least a minimum amount of real fairness and equality between Jeff and his ex when it came to the kids - including giving us the legal ground to stand on in order to negotiate for a fair and workable schedule for child custody after our move. If we hadn't done that necessary work of pushing back and establishing boundaries first - especially in Jeff's case, I think - we would have been in a position where an attitude of "it's out of our control" would have left us open to manipulation, exploitation and a certain amount of guilt.
So here I was being hard on myself about how we handled it when, looking back, maybe we did pretty much the best we could given the circumstances. We weren't perfect, but I think we've found some long-term sustainable ways to find that necessary balance and we were able to bring our more unseemly responses into check before they got out of hand and went too far. At least, right now I'm feeling hopeful and optimistic and so that's my present understanding of the situation. I'd love to hear what Jeff thinks of all of this. (He's asleep now - maybe I'll have a chance to talk to him tomorrow about it at some point.) I'm sure his perspective will be a bit different, considering the influences going on in his own chart right now. And maybe I'm completely wrong about this - I'm kind of making it up as I go, really, and he knows more about astrology than I do.
In any case, what began as a day spent contemplating the "primordial mother ocean" has ended up with some pretty startling thoughts about the energies of the moon-as-mother in relation to my Saturn Return. Perhaps leaving the twelfth house and crossing the ascendent means that these issues are be resolved, maybe "coming to light" in a more conscious way now that I'm moving out of the house of mystery and mysticism. I don't know. I hope so. I think it must be a good sign that I just happen to be awake and thinking about this during the time when transiting Saturn is coming into exact aspect with my ascendent. That has to mean something, right? Like my willingness to be awake to this and open to it, to face it instead of just wanting to "go back to sleep" and ignore the lessons. I hope Manannan can help me stay open to the lessons I need to learn, and in the meantime help me to maybe not be quite so hard on myself if things seem like a struggle or I have to work hard. I think it's a really important insight, that coming to terms with our boundaries and limitations (Saturn) is also about learning how to trust in the greater universe. I just read an old tale about Manannan that someone randomly posted online the other day, about a shepherd who is on his way home with his sheep one evening when he runs into Manannan, who teases him about his certainty of the way and pulls down a confusing mist that shrouds his eyes and makes him lose his sheep. After bumbling about in the dark mists all night, Manannan finally relents and lifts the mist, for the shepherd to find that he was only a few yards from home with all his sheep safe and accounted for by his side - and Manannan joking that sometimes he just likes to play a prank for the joy of it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in a similar position - stumbling around in the mist all night only to finally realize once the veil lifts away that I've been close to home all along and in no real danger. But I also have to wonder if maybe, if I didn't bumbled around quite so much and fret quite so loudly (and maybe sometimes comically), if Manannan wouldn't consider me quite so worth his attention. ;)
So with that thought, I'll call it a night.
Sun: sagittarius (mutable fire), 7:26 AM - 4:54 PM
Moon: *waxing gibbous, aries (cardinal fire)
Earth: cold, in the mid-to-low 40s most of the day, starting out quite sunny but then fading to gray, cloudy weather; not that I would know, as I spent pretty much all day inside working on various things, but mostly writing
Last night I had a dream that my aunt Tricia, who works from home as a baker of wonderful homemade cakes, cookies and pies, etc., had decided that she wanted to quit baking and go into taxidermy. (Apparently, this dream was probably inspired by a scene from an episode of X-Files that Jeff and I watched together last night, which I was only half paying attention to at the time and must have gotten into my subconscious.) Anyway, in the dream, my aunt decided she really wanted to be a taxidermist, she was fascinated by it. But the only tools she knew how to use were things like blenders and egg beaters. I have some vague visual impression in my mind of some poor animal carcass being tamped down into the thin, tapering container of a blender, the lid fitted on nicely and the switch flipped, resulting in that lovely whirring and the spinning of blood and bone and fur and bits all into a uniform pinkish paste.
This might not have anything to do with anything, but I thought I would jot it down.
I started writing this journal entry at 11:11 PM, though I doubt I'll be finished with it until what is technically Sunday morning. I'm wide awake and not feeling the least bit tired - which is indicative of my sleep schedule these days, where sometimes I feel so lethargic I can't pull myself out of bed before 10 AM, and other days I'm awake before dawn (which, as dark as the days are, isn't really that hard anyway) with plenty of energy to spare. This morning, I woke up at around 5 AM and tossed and turned a bit before finally giving up and getting up entirely at about 6:30 AM. Jeff had to leave to get the kids, and I fell back asleep for another few hours, so I suppose it all evened out. We'll see how I am tomorrow morning. (Jeff, who slept downstairs on the futon because he'd been snoring a lot lately, hardly slept at all last night because of various worries about this weekend, so now he's excused and sound asleep despite me still being awake.)
I hadn't planned to do much work today - or rather, I'd planned to at least try to clean and organize the basement some in preparation for our up-coming move. But two of the four kids were sick with some kind of stomach bug (which had them on a bland diet of food, though neither of them really acted all that sick - it was a nice excuse for everyone to stay quiet and relaxed in bed reading or drawing for much of the day), so thoughts of trying to organize some kind of cleaning extravaganza were out. At one point I sat down to check out John's recent post on No Unsacred Place, which was excellent as usual, and that was the kick in the ass I needed to sit down and work on the piece I'd wanted to do for this coming week about the recent news coming out of the science journals about LUCA, the Last Universal Common Ancestor, being a single, planet-sized mega-organism very similar to a "living ocean" of genetic soup. A pretty cool concept. So I spent all day researching various creation myths from different cultures and drawing comparisons between these and the scientific evidence they have for LUCA, pointing out some of the common themes of primordial chaotic waters, a moment when separation and individuation begins to occur, and the idea of a god being dismembered and the parts of his (or her) corpse being used to actually make the world.
So even though I didn't have any time really to do some formal Saturn Return meditation as I'd planned, I ended up doing quite a bit of contemplation on some of those primordial ancient themes about dissolution, death, separation, limitation and the power of form. Some of the Greek myths actually involve Kronos/Saturn himself, so... there's that.
I find myself really connecting to this idea of a common genetic ancestor in the ancient primordial oceans as a living being that is both an ancestor and a god(dess). This just really jives for me. It works well with my more animistic sensibilities which can sometimes shy away from being overly metaphorical or psychological about the gods and would rather rejoice in and celebrate the Actual Sun Right There See There It Is than in some idea of a sun deity in the abstract. On the other hand, though, it also gives some context to Manannan as a "son of the sea" without having to bear the burden of being the literal sea itself. Manannan mac LUCA, perhaps. Manannan has continued to be an important god to me, and I think I've reconciled myself to just him and Brighid for the time being as a working pair who play nicely together. Manannan is a god of the threshold, the liminal space of the mists, the psychopomp who leads the dead into the other realm, the trickster who will turn things upside-down just for the sake of teasing and challenging. I think there are definitely some parallels here between Manannan (and Manawydan from Welsh mythology) and the figure of Saturn. And strangely enough, while I think of Saturn primarily as a planet and, after that, as some kind of psychological archetype and energetic influence, I find it a lot easier to think of Manannan as an actual god, personified, and able to help me with the Saturn Return. I have no sense that he is Kronos/Saturn, any more than Jeff is, say, Commander Samuel Vimes. But the "real" god Manannan has some understanding of the character/nature/influence of the psychological archetype of Saturn and can give me some insight - like we can have a discussion about it and share our perspectives, in the same way Jeff and I can talk about the characters in Pratchett's books and he can give me insight into what it's like to be a father, something I wouldn't know as much about.
One thing that I was reflecting on just now while I was reading and trying to fall asleep was the nature of Saturn's recent transit through my twelfth house in Libra, the sign and house of my natal moon. I think it was Arroyo who said that Saturn can have a lasting influence when passing through the sign and house of the moon, even when it's not in exact or close aspect to the moon itself. I don't remember precisely when transiting Saturn was exactly conjunct my natal moon, but I do know that the moon is associated with a lot of "mommy issues" - coming to terms with the mother's influence in the family and the inner archetype of the mother in the psyche, as well as grappling with ancestral influences of all kinds that have been "inherited" on the psychic or psychological level. With my moon in Libra, I wonder if I have a particular sensitivity to concepts of fairness, justice, balance and beauty being manifested in the role of the mother - whether by myself or by other "mothers" in my life.
Saturn has been transiting my twelfth house for about two years now, I think. It's soon to cross my ascendent and enter my first house. In fact, looking up my chart just now (at 11:48 PM on Saturday, December 3) I see that transiting Saturn is within 13 minutes of my ascendent and the cusp of my first house. So... maybe that's why I'm suddenly feeling a certain amount of energy and clarity around these issues.
Anyway, as I was lying in bed I suddenly saw all the various ways in which the energy and influence of the mother had been manifesting in my life in ways that provoked my anger or frustration over a sense of violated fairness or justice - in particular in my relationship with Jeff's ex-wife and biological mother to my stepchildren, who has consistently attempted to act in the role of controlling "Mama Bear" figure to both me and Jeff as well as the kids. It hit me that I had been grappling with two issues that were often put at odds with one another.
On the one hand, I wanted things to be Fair - both in the sense of being just and balanced, and also beautiful and harmonious. This led me to a lot of conflict on Jeff's behalf when I felt that his rights as a father were being trampled on or ignored, when he didn't get "his fair share" of time with the kids (even when him having more time with them, and the struggle to get and keep that time that was often involved, left both of us feeling worn out, exhausted and stressed). I also made a lot of judgements - emotionally and ethically - about Emily choosing to stay home and be a "mom," even going on to have another child with her new husband, instead of stepping up to be an "equal partner" in both the divorce (by pulling her weight with joint debt from the previous marriage) and in her own new marriage (which, I will be the first to admit, is none of my business, though I sure do have opinions about it). This judgement - and I won't say it was judgmental necessarily, but it was a judgement, certainly - often had me worrying about the kind of example she was setting for the kids, and my own response was to push back - to balance out her example by becoming even more ambitious (Saturn!) in my own role not as a stepmom but as a "career woman" and female adult role model to the kids. This was me pushing back against the figure of the mother - both in external form and my own potential role - and seeking instead another kind of authority. That has Saturn's influence written all over it.
On the other hand, I also had already learned the lesson - which Saturn had helped teach me before - that to find a harmonious balance it is often important to let go, to release certain emotional blockages or stubborn opinions and to give up being the kind of person who has to control every little thing to make sure it all comes out alright. This was a lesson that I actually learned from my own mother, by bad example. Seeking too much control in a world that is by its very nature so much bigger and more complex than you could ever possibly understand is the very recipe for out of control stress and paranoia. This is what happened to my mother to some extent (though I have to admit that in recent years, perhaps because of the change in her career and my brother and I no longer living at home, she does seem to be improving on this in small ways). The whole thing was, in fact, a lesson all about boundaries and limits (hello again, Saturn old friend!), learning to understand the extent of your own control and when not to push beyond them but instead accept them and trust in the greater harmonies of the universe (there's Saturn, straddling that liminal space between the concrete manifestations of the inner planets and the influences of fate and cosmic force of the outer planets). This was a lesson I knew very well, and something that I continued to affirm to myself consciously. But I was completely piss-poor at actually following through and listening to my own better judgement.
So here were two urges that were definitely working at odds to one another. The urge on the one hand to make sure things were fair and just and balanced - and the desire on the other hand not to become like my own mother and like Jeff's ex-wife, both of whom were excellent examples of the immaturity and stress that characterizes a "control freak" who uses their good intentions to justify their paranoid manipulations and micro-management of everyone around them (essentially being a "mother" to everyone and not being able to trust others to do what's fair or harmonious on their own). Confronted with the glaring evidence that Jeff's ex-wife had no interest in being fair - I think mainly simply because she was incapable of stepping outside of her own perspective in order to see how what she wanted was unfair - it was an incredible challenge for me not to respond by trying to control her.
My response, and something I had to work on with Jeff a lot, was a process of affirming our personal boundaries. It took a lot of push-back and a great deal of stress and hard work every time we were confronted with Emily's tendency to act entitled to private information about our lives that were none of her business or to bombard Jeff with unsolicited emails full of advice about issues of which she had little to no actual knowledge. We worked hard, as a couple and equal partners in the matter, to help each cope with that stress and reaffirm our right to establish clear, healthy boundaries. But mostly, it sucked. I've been getting down on myself a lot over the past couple years about my feelings of having failed at this work, or at least of having responded in ways that were not helpful or healthy. And definitely there were times when our attempts to establish strong boundaries crossed the line into an attempt to control or compensate for Emily's disrespectful or manipulative behavior. But looking back now, I actually feel like we did an okay job. One recent change came about when I broke down and asked some folks on an internet forum if they had any resources that might help. One person responded and pointed me to the "Ten Commandments for Low-Contact Parallel Parenting with High-Drama Ex's." (The idea of having a short, authoritative list of simple rules to follow.... yeah, Saturn, you bet.) Jeff and I read this over, saw a lot of ways that we were already following the techniques suggested and a lot of other places where we could improve. So we started following the rules, and we sent a copy of them to Emily asking her to abide by them as well. (This was after we caught her in a bald-faced lie about one of the kids' health issues, which for us was the final straw and, in some ways, a relief that her manipulation could no longer be denied or explained away.... though of course, that didn't stop her from trying.)
That was about two months ago now, I think. Today, Jeremy confronted Jeff when he went to pick up the kids to let him know that two of them weren't feeling well - and for good measure threw in his own two cents about how "this silent treatment isn't having the effect we [Jeff and I] were hoping it would have." The comment had Jeff fuming when he got home, but he and I talked about it and were able to laugh off the continued arrogance and immaturity. I pointed out to him that our stress has definitely gone down and we don't waste nearly as much time in pointless conflict with Emily; meanwhile, we have more energy when we do have the kids and less anxiety over every little issue that might somehow make its way back to us, so our time with them is more enjoyable than it was before. Whatever Jeremy and Emily think, the technique is most definitely doing what we'd hoped it would do on our end. Jeremy simply declaring that it wasn't working - without asking Jeff's feelings on the matter - was just one more example of why the Low-Contact Parenting techniques were a good idea after all.
One of the things that I think was most helpful about the Low-Contact Parenting was that it helped us to recognize when we were crossing the line from "affirming healthy boundaries" to "pushing back and trying to control others." With rules that restrict our email use to only short messages pertaining specifically to the kids themselves and that avoid intentionally provocative language, for instance, we're forced to catch ourselves before we shoot off that obnoxious letter that we secretly hope will smack Emily back into her place and divest her of any delusions she has about our opinion. The rules work because they ask us to turn a critical eye back onto our own behavior and to recognize when we're demanding something that we should probably just not expect given what is and is not within our reasonable ability to control. These rules give us a structure whereby we can learn how to find a balance between our sense of fairness and our need to appreciate our limits. (And I'm using "we" a lot here because it's something Jeff and I have mostly worked on together, but in many ways this is a lot about my own issues.) But all of this only came after we had done the difficult work of establishing boundaries that could safely secure at least a minimum amount of real fairness and equality between Jeff and his ex when it came to the kids - including giving us the legal ground to stand on in order to negotiate for a fair and workable schedule for child custody after our move. If we hadn't done that necessary work of pushing back and establishing boundaries first - especially in Jeff's case, I think - we would have been in a position where an attitude of "it's out of our control" would have left us open to manipulation, exploitation and a certain amount of guilt.
So here I was being hard on myself about how we handled it when, looking back, maybe we did pretty much the best we could given the circumstances. We weren't perfect, but I think we've found some long-term sustainable ways to find that necessary balance and we were able to bring our more unseemly responses into check before they got out of hand and went too far. At least, right now I'm feeling hopeful and optimistic and so that's my present understanding of the situation. I'd love to hear what Jeff thinks of all of this. (He's asleep now - maybe I'll have a chance to talk to him tomorrow about it at some point.) I'm sure his perspective will be a bit different, considering the influences going on in his own chart right now. And maybe I'm completely wrong about this - I'm kind of making it up as I go, really, and he knows more about astrology than I do.
In any case, what began as a day spent contemplating the "primordial mother ocean" has ended up with some pretty startling thoughts about the energies of the moon-as-mother in relation to my Saturn Return. Perhaps leaving the twelfth house and crossing the ascendent means that these issues are be resolved, maybe "coming to light" in a more conscious way now that I'm moving out of the house of mystery and mysticism. I don't know. I hope so. I think it must be a good sign that I just happen to be awake and thinking about this during the time when transiting Saturn is coming into exact aspect with my ascendent. That has to mean something, right? Like my willingness to be awake to this and open to it, to face it instead of just wanting to "go back to sleep" and ignore the lessons. I hope Manannan can help me stay open to the lessons I need to learn, and in the meantime help me to maybe not be quite so hard on myself if things seem like a struggle or I have to work hard. I think it's a really important insight, that coming to terms with our boundaries and limitations (Saturn) is also about learning how to trust in the greater universe. I just read an old tale about Manannan that someone randomly posted online the other day, about a shepherd who is on his way home with his sheep one evening when he runs into Manannan, who teases him about his certainty of the way and pulls down a confusing mist that shrouds his eyes and makes him lose his sheep. After bumbling about in the dark mists all night, Manannan finally relents and lifts the mist, for the shepherd to find that he was only a few yards from home with all his sheep safe and accounted for by his side - and Manannan joking that sometimes he just likes to play a prank for the joy of it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in a similar position - stumbling around in the mist all night only to finally realize once the veil lifts away that I've been close to home all along and in no real danger. But I also have to wonder if maybe, if I didn't bumbled around quite so much and fret quite so loudly (and maybe sometimes comically), if Manannan wouldn't consider me quite so worth his attention. ;)
So with that thought, I'll call it a night.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Saturn Return: Weekly Meditation
Saturn is a planet of limitations and boundaries, placed at the threshold between the inner planets that reflect the energies and influences of everyday reality and the outer planets that reflect the energies and influences of cosmic cycles and forces. Saturn is a planet of authority, the sphere that circumscribes our life and sometimes leave us feeling trapped or hedged in by our limitations - but it is also a planet that helps us discover and understand our limits and, in so doing, become our own truest authority, the author of our own lives.
In my natal chart, Saturn is in Libra, a sign of balance and relationship. When we try to go to extremes in one direction or another, we run up against the flaws and limitations of those extremes, sometimes finding ourselves even worse off than before. But in bringing extremes into balance and harmonious relationship with each other - even if they seem to be opposites - we can find a new resonance that opens us up to whole new possibilities. The lesson of Saturn is not transcendence, but integration, and this is what it is exalted in the sign of Libra, where integrity can take the form of balance and a "middle way" between extremes.
What extremes do I recognize in my life right now?
How can I transform these into relationships of balance, in which I recognize my limitations and work in harmony with them instead of fighting against them?
These are all my thoughts for now. Hopefully I can work on some of these during the week. Ideally, I'd like to be able to do a simple ritual to represent some of these intentions and help me integrate them into my life. The next full moon is on Thursday, November 10, so it would be nice to have a simple ritual to do by then - I can spend the next two weeks thinking a bit about what I'd like to do.
In my natal chart, Saturn is in Libra, a sign of balance and relationship. When we try to go to extremes in one direction or another, we run up against the flaws and limitations of those extremes, sometimes finding ourselves even worse off than before. But in bringing extremes into balance and harmonious relationship with each other - even if they seem to be opposites - we can find a new resonance that opens us up to whole new possibilities. The lesson of Saturn is not transcendence, but integration, and this is what it is exalted in the sign of Libra, where integrity can take the form of balance and a "middle way" between extremes.
What extremes do I recognize in my life right now?
- Productivity and Passivity - In my career, I feel challenged to "accomplish" something and make something of myself, to do something extraordinary with my life that will change the world. Emphasizing productivity in this way, I often end up focusing on the negative - what's wrong with the world that needs changing, and everything I should be doing to "fix" things. (Or, simpler than that, just neat ideas that "someone ought to do" that I then feel like I should pursue just for the sake of it being done.) But this focus leaves me feeling overwhelmed and even helpless. I get tired out quickly just thinking about everything I want to do or think I should do (or even just wondering what I possibly might do), and so much of the time I swing back towards the opposite extreme of passivity, procrastination and lethargy. I waste time on frivolous things for entertainment and distraction. Because I imagine that any work great enough to change the world must be complicated and difficult, I avoid doing things that seem too simple or clear-cut. (It's difficult for me to even do this exercise, because part of me thinks that it's all very obvious and so must be a waste of time.) But again, avoiding simple tasks gives me an excuse to procrastinate on the bigger tasks, abstracting them into monumental deeds that I never feel up to tackling - and the result of inactivity and complete lack of productivity.
- Socializing and Isolation - In my personal life, I spend a huge amount of time alone, even more than when I was living by myself but still working a waitressing job four days a week. Most of the day I sit at home on the computer while Jeff works downstairs, and we only have a chance to socialize once a week (sometimes less). On the other hand, this alone time isn't the kind of solitude that really nourishes me - it only leaves me feeling isolated and constrained, cut off from everyone else. Sitting at home all day (in a house that never quite felt "homey"), I don't connect to the space in relationship; I also rarely go out on my own to go hillwalking or just walking the neighborhood like I used to. Because Jeff is in the house all day, I look to him for a sense of connection and company instead of trying to cultivate it for myself (but of course, he's working and so can't really provide it). I also turn to the online community to find connection - but again, this is a shallow and false kind of connection that focuses a lot on negativity (people complaining about everything that's wrong) when it's not overtly competitive (the popularity contest of the internet world). So even when I spend most of my time alone, I end up feeling worn out by the "noise" that prevents me from finding real solitude.
- Bingeing and Neglect - Another place where there's been a new "extreme" cropping up is in my relationship with food. I'm not sure exactly what the causes of this might be (other than stress and bad habits), but these days I feel like I'm often fighting off cravings for unhealthy/junk foods but rarely experiencing actual hunger for healthy foods around mealtimes. I'll sleep in too late and more often than not will skip breakfast completely; then later, crave sweets or fatty foods as snacks in between meals or afterwards for dessert. Eating too late (or for the sake of something to do or as a reward from stressful "productivity") means staying up rather later than is good and not feeling very hungry in the morning. And so the cycle begins again. One cause of this might be to self-medicate stress from the pressure I put on myself. Another might be my feeling of disconnection and isolation that leads to frustration, leaving me swinging between neglecting to eat altogether and then stuffing my face to get that calorie rush.
How can I transform these into relationships of balance, in which I recognize my limitations and work in harmony with them instead of fighting against them?
- Creativity and Receptivity - I wrote about this a little bit before: changing the way I think about my work by focusing on creativity rather than productivity. The cards I pulled tonight showed the Ten of Wands and the Eight of Wands. In one, the woman bends over, burdened with the huge weight of a full-grown tree that supports an entire village. In the other, a woman (perhaps the same woman) stands upright and eager on an outcropping of rock, blowing dandelion seeds away from her open palm to be caught in the wind. I think these cards illustrate an important difference between creativity and productivity. Creativity might be represented by the seeds - light as air and holding great potential within them, creativity lets those seeds loose to be carried by the currents of the wind and take root where they may. The person letting the seeds loose doesn't necessarily have any control over or responsibility for where those seeds finally land; she is involved in something much bigger than herself. The woman in the Ten of Wands is involved in something much bigger than herself, too, but in her case she's taken the world upon herself and has made herself essential to it, for better or worse. She has a lot of control, but that control has become a heavy burden for her - she's taken on too much, too concerned for the end product, the full grown tree, rather than the seeds. Moving to a healthier, more harmonious relationship in this case might mean I need to focus on creativity as a way of planting seeds (process, not product), while also being receptive to what the winds will bring and the relationship I have with a larger world that's beyond my control.
- Company and Solitude - I think it would be helpful to reframe this issue as one about company and solitude, rather than "socializing" and isolation. These are no longer mutually exclusive - in true solitude, I have the freedom and space I need to be my own true self and, in that way, connect to the world around me in all its being and particulars. In company, I carry that solitude with me so that I am not overwhelmed or swept up by other people's feelings or opinions, and connecting with society becomes less noisy and frustrating. Accomplishing this might not be easy, as a lot of it depends on bad habits. Maybe some ideas to help: When seeking solitude, I can ask myself if I have a sense of freedom and spaciousness, or if something is constraining me or my actions. I can challenge myself to do things that will nourish me or engage me physically or emotionally even if no one else is around (including Jeff). I can spend some time contemplating the kind of company I would like to keep if I could hang out with anyone in the world, and spend time imagining how I might seek out that company or be that kind of company for others. I can make more attempts to go out and meet other people (no excuses! stop saying, "well, but we have such busy schedules, and we're going to be moving soon anyway so what's the point?"!!). And I can definitely spend less time on "social networking" sites online (already doing this and it's already helping).
- Sacramental Eating and Fasting - This one I'm the least sure about, but I know that I really appreciated the insights in John's latest NUP piece on sacramental eating. One step I can take is to restore mealtimes to sacred rituals - in particular, breakfast (as a time to nourish myself and begin my day), and dinner. Trying to avoid being on the computer or watching television during mealtimes would be helpful. Paying better attention to what I'm eating and making sure there are healthy snacks in the house so that I'm not falling back on junk when I get mid-day cravings. Perhaps every once in a while, spending some time on a deliberate, mindful fast might also help restore my relationship with food. I think in general, I need to give up this notion that Jeff and I can share a diet plan - that kind of controlling attitude towards food sends me back into the cycle of "productivity" and passivity where trying to exercise control becomes too much of a burden and so I start to make excuses to slip up. Instead, treating mealtimes as special family rituals might go some ways in restoring balance without turning eating into one more project that I can potentially fail at. This is perhaps what the final card in my reading, the Ace of Cups, might indicate: going back to the very beginning, where nourishment and replenishment is a gift and a source of life and connection.
These are all my thoughts for now. Hopefully I can work on some of these during the week. Ideally, I'd like to be able to do a simple ritual to represent some of these intentions and help me integrate them into my life. The next full moon is on Thursday, November 10, so it would be nice to have a simple ritual to do by then - I can spend the next two weeks thinking a bit about what I'd like to do.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Astrology of Me: Natal Chart Analysis (Part 2)
Days of Note: Flamekeeping (begins at sundown), pilgrimage to the Angel Oak
Sun: gemini (mutable air), 6:16am - 8:18pm
Moon: last quarter, pisces (mutable water)
Earth: hot and sunny, we're down in Summerville, South Carolina (near Charleston) staying in a lovely French B&B to visit the old Angel Oak; everything here lush and green and muggy
II. The Main Components of the Chart Structure
§A Patterns Using the Astrological Alphabet
Using the 12-letter "Astrological Alphabet" (p.176) to examine the signs and houses of each of the planets as well as the important aspects (5º orb) among the planets, three themes emerge as having particular emphasis.
The first is a triple emphasis on the relationship between Letter 1 and Letter 8 — Mars in the 8th house trine Pluto in the 1st house. Here Mars (1) is in close aspect with Pluto (8), with Mars (1) in the 8th house (8) and Pluto (8) in the 1st house (1). I'm not exactly sure what this theme means, but it's actually the example he uses in the book, where he explains that "the expression of Mars energy will be powerfully characterized by Plutonian qualities." Mars is characterized generally as desire, will-power or will to action, initiative and physical energy, and describes what kinds of energy we use to assert ourselves and what will drive us and give us energy. Pluto is characterized by transformation, transmutation, rebirth and intense focus. Both planets have strong associations with courage, desire and the way we exert our will. The "toning" of Mars with Plutonian energy suggests that I seek to assert myself and my will by turning my focus inward to bring about personal transformation (rather than directing it outwards against others, perhaps?) and that I also feel energized physically by intense, transformative experiences (maybe this relates to my approach to physical exercise as well?).
Tompkins describes the Mars-Pluto aspect as being about a "fight for survival" that can express itself as an intense (but sometimes hidden) competitive nature, either directed outwards in competition with others or turned inwards in competition with the self. There is also some suggestion of associations with both buried rage and buried sexuality (Pluto having a "burying" effect on the aggressive and/or sexual energies of Mars), which can express itself either in repressed anger or passion sublimated as passive aggressiveness or manipulation, or a focus on the "darker" aspects of self and society that others would rather be buried and denied. Tompkins focuses mostly on hard/challenging aspects between the two; the fact that Mars trines Pluto in my chart may indicate that I have an easier time facing the "dark side" of passion and aggression, that I am better able to accept and acknowledge the violence, competitiveness and sexuality in my nature than someone with a challenging aspect. (On the other hand, this might mean that I will tend to take for granted that aggression or sexuality will be "buried" — which might explain why, to some extent, I am prudishly uncomfortable with public flaunting of sexuality or socially condoned forms of violence, expecting them to be reined in or restrained even while acknowledging those forces as inherent aspects of ourselves. A trine might suggest that I take for granted this kind of "burying" or sublimating of aggressive/sexual passions because it comes fairly easily to me.)(N.B. On this last parenthetical bit: Jeff doesn't think so. Maybe he will leave a comment explaining his take in detail… hint hint.)
There is also a double emphasis on the relationship between Letter 1 and Letter 10 (Saturn in the 1st house trine Mars), which is no real surprise since Saturn and Pluto are in such close conjunction in my chart that they tend to act almost as a single influence. In this case, Saturn (10) is in close trine aspect with Mars (1), and Saturn (10) is also in the 1st house (1). In this case, then, the Mars energies of desire, will-power, activity and physical energy will be toned or influenced by the Saturnian characteristics of effort, integrity, authority, (self-)discipline, responsibilities and patience. Both planets have connections to how we assert ourselves and our will — Mars through passion and initiative, Saturn through concentrated effort and diligence over time. This theme may suggest that I seek to assert myself through disciplined effort and that I connect this effort with my sense of personal integrity, taking on responsibilities and expecting my work to earn me a certain amount of authority. In turn, it may suggest that I feel energized and spurred to action when I am put into situations that demand patience, diligence and the shouldering of responsibilities.
Tompkins, as usual, says so much about the Mars-Saturn aspect that it's hard to distill and clarify the main thrust of the relationship. There are some influences echoing those of Mars-Pluto (likely to be especially important considering Saturn's close conjunction with Pluto in my chart), in particular a certain ambivalent attitude towards both violence/rage and passion/sexuality — in this case, these energies are not "buried" as with Pluto, so much as brought under tighter control. (Arroyo suggests that Saturn can cause blocks precisely because these areas are of particular importance or weight to a person, like trying to force too much water through too tight an opening.) The Mars-Saturn relationship also suggests conflicts concerned with or about authority, either fighting on behalf of authority or struggling against authority. As with Pluto, however, the Mars-Saturn aspect can indicate the ability to bring great passion, energy and courage and direct them towards a particular aim — rather than the transformation of Pluto, in this case Saturn's urges towards integrity, responsibility and discipline — and in doing so, accomplish great things. Again, because the Mars-Saturn aspect is a trine in my chart, there's an indication that this kind of concerted effort and discipline may come naturally to me, that I am able to deftly handle the balance between impulse and discipline, assertiveness and control, fear and courage. (This may also reflect my tendency to "go overboard" when I set myself a particular task, channeling a great deal of energy and activity into the chosen are of hard work — for instance, I'm starting to think I may be overdoing it a bit with this chart analysis!) Interestingly, Tompkins connects the Mars-Saturn aspect with tasks that require a lot of discipline and control along with physical strength and effort — among these, she mentions blacksmithing, one of the three skills ruled over by Brigid. The connection between smithcraft and transmutation/transformation found in Her nature may reflect to some extent Mars trine Saturn-Pluto in my chart. (I want to come back later to this issue of what insights astrology might be able to give us into our gods.)
The last theme is a double emphasis on the relationship between Letter 9 and Letter 11 — Uranus in Sagittarius conjunct Jupiter. Here, Jupiter (9) is in close aspect with Uranus (11), while Uranus (11) is in Sagittarius (9). This suggests that Jupiter will be influenced by the energies of Uranus, while Uranus is also tempered and toned by the energies of Jupiter (ruler of Sagittarius). Jupiter is characterized by grace, expansion/expansiveness, trust and faith in a larger order or meaning, and its influence describes how we strive to grow, improve ourselves and where we seek confidence and our sense of grace. Uranus is characterized by freedom, independence, experimentation, originality and creativity, and describes how we differentiate ourselves from others and establish our uniqueness and individuality. The Jupiter-Uranus relationship suggests that my faith and experience of grace will be charged with a sense of freedom and affirmation of my individuality, and I may express this faith in unconventional or experimental ways. There is also a sense that the urge towards originality and creativity will be expansive and pervasive in my life.
Tompkins suggests that the Jupiter-Uranus aspect is defined largely by its tendency towards radical, fringe or unorthodox religious and/or political traditions and beliefs. This results from the relationship between faith, associated with Jupiter, and Uranus's association with truth. In this aspect, there is an urge to bring faith and the search for meaning into closer alignment or attunement with truth (as opposed to allowing the need for faith to overrule truth, as in fundamentalism, or the search for truth to undermine faith, as in nihilism/cynicism, I guess?). This aspect also reflects the importance of seeking faith in "personal truths" and often involved resisting or leaving a mainstream or orthodox religious or political tradition. There's not much more to elaborate on here, since this pretty much nails it. My choice to leave Catholicism (with its emphasis on tradition and the authority of the Church) and my involvement in Paganism (with its emphasis on plurality, diversity, freedom and creativity, especially creative ritual) reflect this theme strongly.
Further notes: What's especially interesting to me is that among these three themes emphasized in my chart, the last and arguably least emphasized is the one that is easiest for me to recognize and identify in my own life. This may have something to do with the fact that the aspect is a conjunction that falls within the sign ruled by one of the planets — and that this entire configuration is in the most important, exact and powerful opposition in my entire chart (with Mercury)… perhaps setting up a situation in which these energies are strong and obvious to me as something I have had to grapple with and articulate. The themes expressed in Saturn's and Pluto's trines with Mars are more difficult to pin down, their expressions in my life not so obvious… and this might have to do with the nature of the trine aspect as "soft" or easy, something that does not present a particular challenge and so can be to some extent taken for granted. Since these involve Saturn, however, I do want to examine these themes in more depth, especially as I approach my Saturn Return.
§B Dominant Aspects and Major Configurations
Much of this I already covered in the first part of my analysis, looking at the overall pattern of the chart as a whole. I noted the emphasis on the Gemini-Sagittarius opposition (strengthened by both Mercury and Jupiter falling within their ruling signs, as well as Mercury's exact opposition Uranus and the Sun's near-exact opposition Neptune). There is also a less powerful emphasis on the trine relationship between Gemini and Libra.
I do not have any dominant aspects (such as Grand Trines or T-Squares) in my chart, but I do have three different "groupings" of planets that could arguably be stelliums (depending on the orb). The first and probably most powerful falls within Gemini and involves the conjunction of my Sun and Mars with Mercury close by within the same sign. The second involves the conjunction of Saturn and Pluto with my Ascendent (with the Moon nearby in the same sign) in Libra. The third is Jupiter conjunct Uranus with Neptune nearby in the sign of Sagittarius. The Gemini stellium falls (very) roughly in my 8th house, while the Sagittarius stellium falls (again, very) roughly in my 2nd house; the stellium involving my Ascendent falls primarily within my 1st house but seems to kind of rope in my Moon in the 12th house.
Jeff described the 8th house to me once as the house of "sex, death and initiation" — all things that deal with power and transformation. Arroyo describes this house (a water house) as one of yearning and seeking after security for the soul, possibly through discovering the deepest laws of life (sex and death being two of the most powerful and most essential) as a stable foundation upon which to build a sense of inner peace. Occult studies are also considered to be related tot his house for similar reasons. A stellium in my 8th house (especially one that involves my Sun, though it's right on the cusp and technically in my 9th house) suggests a deep involvement in grappling with issues of power, passion and transformation, coming to terms with and finding peace through right relationship (or release from) desires and compulsions.
The 2nd house (an earth house) is one of material stability and security and might be characterized by a drive for an abundance of resources. This influence can expression itself through financial or material wealth, but is just as likely to involve an essential and deeply meaningful attunement with and appreciation of the natural world as a source of abundance, sustenance and support. A stellium involving a Jupiter-Uranus conjunction in my 2nd house goes even further to clarify my draw towards earth-centered spirituality, as my urge for stability and peace in the physical world is tied up with my sense of grace and trust in a deeper spiritual reality (as well as the desire for individuality and freedom).
I've already spent some time in-depth exploring the implications of Saturn and Pluto influenced by the Martian energies of the 1st house, and later in the analysis will be a particular focus on the Ascendent and any planets in close conjunction, so I'll forgo that analysis for now.
Sun: gemini (mutable air), 6:16am - 8:18pm
Moon: last quarter, pisces (mutable water)
Earth: hot and sunny, we're down in Summerville, South Carolina (near Charleston) staying in a lovely French B&B to visit the old Angel Oak; everything here lush and green and muggy
Based on Stephen Arroyo's Outline of Chart Interpretation
II. The Main Components of the Chart Structure
§A Patterns Using the Astrological Alphabet
Using the 12-letter "Astrological Alphabet" (p.176) to examine the signs and houses of each of the planets as well as the important aspects (5º orb) among the planets, three themes emerge as having particular emphasis.
The first is a triple emphasis on the relationship between Letter 1 and Letter 8 — Mars in the 8th house trine Pluto in the 1st house. Here Mars (1) is in close aspect with Pluto (8), with Mars (1) in the 8th house (8) and Pluto (8) in the 1st house (1). I'm not exactly sure what this theme means, but it's actually the example he uses in the book, where he explains that "the expression of Mars energy will be powerfully characterized by Plutonian qualities." Mars is characterized generally as desire, will-power or will to action, initiative and physical energy, and describes what kinds of energy we use to assert ourselves and what will drive us and give us energy. Pluto is characterized by transformation, transmutation, rebirth and intense focus. Both planets have strong associations with courage, desire and the way we exert our will. The "toning" of Mars with Plutonian energy suggests that I seek to assert myself and my will by turning my focus inward to bring about personal transformation (rather than directing it outwards against others, perhaps?) and that I also feel energized physically by intense, transformative experiences (maybe this relates to my approach to physical exercise as well?).
Tompkins describes the Mars-Pluto aspect as being about a "fight for survival" that can express itself as an intense (but sometimes hidden) competitive nature, either directed outwards in competition with others or turned inwards in competition with the self. There is also some suggestion of associations with both buried rage and buried sexuality (Pluto having a "burying" effect on the aggressive and/or sexual energies of Mars), which can express itself either in repressed anger or passion sublimated as passive aggressiveness or manipulation, or a focus on the "darker" aspects of self and society that others would rather be buried and denied. Tompkins focuses mostly on hard/challenging aspects between the two; the fact that Mars trines Pluto in my chart may indicate that I have an easier time facing the "dark side" of passion and aggression, that I am better able to accept and acknowledge the violence, competitiveness and sexuality in my nature than someone with a challenging aspect. (On the other hand, this might mean that I will tend to take for granted that aggression or sexuality will be "buried" — which might explain why, to some extent, I am prudishly uncomfortable with public flaunting of sexuality or socially condoned forms of violence, expecting them to be reined in or restrained even while acknowledging those forces as inherent aspects of ourselves. A trine might suggest that I take for granted this kind of "burying" or sublimating of aggressive/sexual passions because it comes fairly easily to me.)(N.B. On this last parenthetical bit: Jeff doesn't think so. Maybe he will leave a comment explaining his take in detail… hint hint.)
There is also a double emphasis on the relationship between Letter 1 and Letter 10 (Saturn in the 1st house trine Mars), which is no real surprise since Saturn and Pluto are in such close conjunction in my chart that they tend to act almost as a single influence. In this case, Saturn (10) is in close trine aspect with Mars (1), and Saturn (10) is also in the 1st house (1). In this case, then, the Mars energies of desire, will-power, activity and physical energy will be toned or influenced by the Saturnian characteristics of effort, integrity, authority, (self-)discipline, responsibilities and patience. Both planets have connections to how we assert ourselves and our will — Mars through passion and initiative, Saturn through concentrated effort and diligence over time. This theme may suggest that I seek to assert myself through disciplined effort and that I connect this effort with my sense of personal integrity, taking on responsibilities and expecting my work to earn me a certain amount of authority. In turn, it may suggest that I feel energized and spurred to action when I am put into situations that demand patience, diligence and the shouldering of responsibilities.
Tompkins, as usual, says so much about the Mars-Saturn aspect that it's hard to distill and clarify the main thrust of the relationship. There are some influences echoing those of Mars-Pluto (likely to be especially important considering Saturn's close conjunction with Pluto in my chart), in particular a certain ambivalent attitude towards both violence/rage and passion/sexuality — in this case, these energies are not "buried" as with Pluto, so much as brought under tighter control. (Arroyo suggests that Saturn can cause blocks precisely because these areas are of particular importance or weight to a person, like trying to force too much water through too tight an opening.) The Mars-Saturn relationship also suggests conflicts concerned with or about authority, either fighting on behalf of authority or struggling against authority. As with Pluto, however, the Mars-Saturn aspect can indicate the ability to bring great passion, energy and courage and direct them towards a particular aim — rather than the transformation of Pluto, in this case Saturn's urges towards integrity, responsibility and discipline — and in doing so, accomplish great things. Again, because the Mars-Saturn aspect is a trine in my chart, there's an indication that this kind of concerted effort and discipline may come naturally to me, that I am able to deftly handle the balance between impulse and discipline, assertiveness and control, fear and courage. (This may also reflect my tendency to "go overboard" when I set myself a particular task, channeling a great deal of energy and activity into the chosen are of hard work — for instance, I'm starting to think I may be overdoing it a bit with this chart analysis!) Interestingly, Tompkins connects the Mars-Saturn aspect with tasks that require a lot of discipline and control along with physical strength and effort — among these, she mentions blacksmithing, one of the three skills ruled over by Brigid. The connection between smithcraft and transmutation/transformation found in Her nature may reflect to some extent Mars trine Saturn-Pluto in my chart. (I want to come back later to this issue of what insights astrology might be able to give us into our gods.)
The last theme is a double emphasis on the relationship between Letter 9 and Letter 11 — Uranus in Sagittarius conjunct Jupiter. Here, Jupiter (9) is in close aspect with Uranus (11), while Uranus (11) is in Sagittarius (9). This suggests that Jupiter will be influenced by the energies of Uranus, while Uranus is also tempered and toned by the energies of Jupiter (ruler of Sagittarius). Jupiter is characterized by grace, expansion/expansiveness, trust and faith in a larger order or meaning, and its influence describes how we strive to grow, improve ourselves and where we seek confidence and our sense of grace. Uranus is characterized by freedom, independence, experimentation, originality and creativity, and describes how we differentiate ourselves from others and establish our uniqueness and individuality. The Jupiter-Uranus relationship suggests that my faith and experience of grace will be charged with a sense of freedom and affirmation of my individuality, and I may express this faith in unconventional or experimental ways. There is also a sense that the urge towards originality and creativity will be expansive and pervasive in my life.
Tompkins suggests that the Jupiter-Uranus aspect is defined largely by its tendency towards radical, fringe or unorthodox religious and/or political traditions and beliefs. This results from the relationship between faith, associated with Jupiter, and Uranus's association with truth. In this aspect, there is an urge to bring faith and the search for meaning into closer alignment or attunement with truth (as opposed to allowing the need for faith to overrule truth, as in fundamentalism, or the search for truth to undermine faith, as in nihilism/cynicism, I guess?). This aspect also reflects the importance of seeking faith in "personal truths" and often involved resisting or leaving a mainstream or orthodox religious or political tradition. There's not much more to elaborate on here, since this pretty much nails it. My choice to leave Catholicism (with its emphasis on tradition and the authority of the Church) and my involvement in Paganism (with its emphasis on plurality, diversity, freedom and creativity, especially creative ritual) reflect this theme strongly.
Further notes: What's especially interesting to me is that among these three themes emphasized in my chart, the last and arguably least emphasized is the one that is easiest for me to recognize and identify in my own life. This may have something to do with the fact that the aspect is a conjunction that falls within the sign ruled by one of the planets — and that this entire configuration is in the most important, exact and powerful opposition in my entire chart (with Mercury)… perhaps setting up a situation in which these energies are strong and obvious to me as something I have had to grapple with and articulate. The themes expressed in Saturn's and Pluto's trines with Mars are more difficult to pin down, their expressions in my life not so obvious… and this might have to do with the nature of the trine aspect as "soft" or easy, something that does not present a particular challenge and so can be to some extent taken for granted. Since these involve Saturn, however, I do want to examine these themes in more depth, especially as I approach my Saturn Return.
§B Dominant Aspects and Major Configurations
Much of this I already covered in the first part of my analysis, looking at the overall pattern of the chart as a whole. I noted the emphasis on the Gemini-Sagittarius opposition (strengthened by both Mercury and Jupiter falling within their ruling signs, as well as Mercury's exact opposition Uranus and the Sun's near-exact opposition Neptune). There is also a less powerful emphasis on the trine relationship between Gemini and Libra.
I do not have any dominant aspects (such as Grand Trines or T-Squares) in my chart, but I do have three different "groupings" of planets that could arguably be stelliums (depending on the orb). The first and probably most powerful falls within Gemini and involves the conjunction of my Sun and Mars with Mercury close by within the same sign. The second involves the conjunction of Saturn and Pluto with my Ascendent (with the Moon nearby in the same sign) in Libra. The third is Jupiter conjunct Uranus with Neptune nearby in the sign of Sagittarius. The Gemini stellium falls (very) roughly in my 8th house, while the Sagittarius stellium falls (again, very) roughly in my 2nd house; the stellium involving my Ascendent falls primarily within my 1st house but seems to kind of rope in my Moon in the 12th house.
Jeff described the 8th house to me once as the house of "sex, death and initiation" — all things that deal with power and transformation. Arroyo describes this house (a water house) as one of yearning and seeking after security for the soul, possibly through discovering the deepest laws of life (sex and death being two of the most powerful and most essential) as a stable foundation upon which to build a sense of inner peace. Occult studies are also considered to be related tot his house for similar reasons. A stellium in my 8th house (especially one that involves my Sun, though it's right on the cusp and technically in my 9th house) suggests a deep involvement in grappling with issues of power, passion and transformation, coming to terms with and finding peace through right relationship (or release from) desires and compulsions.
The 2nd house (an earth house) is one of material stability and security and might be characterized by a drive for an abundance of resources. This influence can expression itself through financial or material wealth, but is just as likely to involve an essential and deeply meaningful attunement with and appreciation of the natural world as a source of abundance, sustenance and support. A stellium involving a Jupiter-Uranus conjunction in my 2nd house goes even further to clarify my draw towards earth-centered spirituality, as my urge for stability and peace in the physical world is tied up with my sense of grace and trust in a deeper spiritual reality (as well as the desire for individuality and freedom).
I've already spent some time in-depth exploring the implications of Saturn and Pluto influenced by the Martian energies of the 1st house, and later in the analysis will be a particular focus on the Ascendent and any planets in close conjunction, so I'll forgo that analysis for now.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Saturn Return: A Schedule
Saturn will come full circle and cross the place it occupied in the sky at the time of my birth three times within the next two years:
- December 25, 2011
- March 24, 2012 (Saturn in retrograde)
- September 16, 2012
A Schedule of Saturn Return Work
- Meditation Rites when the Moon conjuncts Saturn.
Roughly once or twice a month for the next two years, I will hold meditation rites when the moon comes into conjunction with Saturn as it circles the zodiac. For most of this time, it will come into conjunction with Saturn itself, and the placement of Saturn in my natal chart, on different days or at different times within the same day. As Saturn approaches the point when it has come full circle within my own chart, these times will grow closer together. Because my moon is in my twelfth house, the house of mysticism, union, creativity and vision, my emotions may often be mysterious and unfathomable to me yet also provide me with insight and intuition that I do well to listen to and follow. For this reason, the moon may be an appropriate guide to connecting with the energies of my Saturn Return in an intuitive, creative way that will lead to healthy, helpful growth and integration. - Weekly Journaling on Saturn Return Topics.
Starting in mid-October, for a year I will spend time each week (on Saturday) to journal about topics specifically relating to my Saturn Return and its energies and influences. I will continue this weekly journaling for a year, taking me just a month beyond my third and final Saturn Return. - Miscellaneous and Spontaneous Work.
As time passes over the next two years, I will be attending carefully to the themes and messages I receive through my meditative and journaling work. I may decide to include other ritual work or other forms of creative work inspired by these practices, as well as incorporating Saturn Return work into seasonal holy days and other significant occasions.
Questions and Themes for Journaling
- Do you feel like your life is on track?
- Where do you feel pressured, disciplined, restrained?
- Are there authority figures that you distrust, or who restrain you more than is healthy?
- Where do you desire more freedom? Who or what is holding you back?
- Are you making a bad bargain, paying too high a price for something you don't really need?
- What does it mean to have Saturn in Libra?
- What does it mean to have Saturn in the First House?
- What does it mean to have Saturn conjunct Pluto?
Moon Conjunct Saturn: Calendar
- Febuary 21, 2011
- March 20, 2011
- April 16, 2011
- May 14 and 15, 2011
- June 10 and 11, 2011
- July 7 and 8, 2011
- August 4 (morning and evening), 2011
- September 28 (early morning and afternoon), 2011
- October 24 (evening and night), 2011
- November 23, 2011
- December 19, 2011
- January 16, 2012
- February 12, 2012
- March 11, 2012
- April 7, 2012
- May 5, 2012
- June 1, 2012
- June 28, 2012
- July 26, 2012
- August 22, 2012
- September 18, 2012
- October 15, 2012
- November 12, 2012
- December 9, 2012
Diary
Days of Note: Moon Conjunct Saturn
Sun: pisces (water/mutable), 7:06am - 6:02pm
Moon: waning gibbous, libra (air/cardinal)
Earth: cold again, the temperature falling all day, so that steady, pleasant rain in the afternoon gave way to thick, fluffy snow, and then eventually to crystalline glitter in the air that lays on thick over night
Spent most of today working and fighting cravings for soda and chocolate, a bit of a set back after this past week full of chocolate Valentine's Day candy, but by this evening I felt more energetic and light, not so bogged down by heavy foods my body has to work too hard to digest and integrate.
Last night, I posted a request on the TC forum for some advice and insight regarding the strange dream of the sea god that I had the night before. Even sharing as little as I did, I found myself nervous about what kind of response I might get. Luckily, many folks have responded with very helpful and insightful suggestions — and of course, most insightful of all is to ask Him (and ask Her, ask Brigid as well) to explore and deepen the relationship, if that's how I want to pursue this.
So that's what I plan to do, and to begin this process tonight, in fact. Jeff and I, the day before this dream, had worked out a plan for ways to work with my upcoming Saturn Return, and I think that, at least for now, I'm going to explore this relationship with this sea god in conjunction with that. My first meditation rite will be tonight. I wanted to make a quick note here, to note the usual diary-appropriate information, before moving on to that work.
Sun: pisces (water/mutable), 7:06am - 6:02pm
Moon: waning gibbous, libra (air/cardinal)
Earth: cold again, the temperature falling all day, so that steady, pleasant rain in the afternoon gave way to thick, fluffy snow, and then eventually to crystalline glitter in the air that lays on thick over night
Spent most of today working and fighting cravings for soda and chocolate, a bit of a set back after this past week full of chocolate Valentine's Day candy, but by this evening I felt more energetic and light, not so bogged down by heavy foods my body has to work too hard to digest and integrate.
Last night, I posted a request on the TC forum for some advice and insight regarding the strange dream of the sea god that I had the night before. Even sharing as little as I did, I found myself nervous about what kind of response I might get. Luckily, many folks have responded with very helpful and insightful suggestions — and of course, most insightful of all is to ask Him (and ask Her, ask Brigid as well) to explore and deepen the relationship, if that's how I want to pursue this.
So that's what I plan to do, and to begin this process tonight, in fact. Jeff and I, the day before this dream, had worked out a plan for ways to work with my upcoming Saturn Return, and I think that, at least for now, I'm going to explore this relationship with this sea god in conjunction with that. My first meditation rite will be tonight. I wanted to make a quick note here, to note the usual diary-appropriate information, before moving on to that work.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Brigid, Lady of the Stars: The Astrology of Me
Sun Sign (influences one's self-perception and sense of selfhood)
Moon Sign (influences one's subconscious and emotional center)
Ascendant (influences first impressions and indicates a starting point)
- Gemini (air/mutable) — The sign of the twins, Gemini sun signs tend to be quick, changeable, mercurial in nature. Their curiosity is powerful, and they often seek out those who will stimulate them intellectually while also being able to keep up with their quick wit and sense of the absurd. Because of their ability to detach from themselves and see both sides of the situation, they can often be quite objective in their analysis of a situation. Gemini sun signs tend to be communicative and bright, enjoying the companionship that arises from good conversation and lively debate.
- Sun in the Ninth House — The basic drive when the sun is in the ninth house is for understanding and self-expansion, which can express itself in a concern for global or world affairs, a love of travel, an interest in higher education, and a desire to study religion, philosophy and mysticism.
Moon Sign (influences one's subconscious and emotional center)
- Libra (air/cardinal) — The light, airy quality of a Libran Moon can be refreshing and enjoyable. Libran Moons place a strong value on relationship and partnership, and also carry with them a deep sense of fairness, balance and justice. They also possess an artistic side and high aesthetic standards.
- Moon in the Twelfth House — Moon in the twelfth house indicates a private person with a love of introspection and a compassionate, charitable side, yet someone who sometimes requires withdrawal or retreat from the busyness of the world in order to refresh.
Ascendant (influences first impressions and indicates a starting point)
- Libra (air/cardinal) — Libra Rising gives a first impression of being a natural "people person," someone who is nice, pleasant, fair-minded, charming and well-liked. Aesthetics plays an important role, as does a heightened sensitivity to the arts and music, and this may express itself also in seeking a sense of harmony rather than discord, and civility and respect rather than vulgarity or rudeness.
- Saturn Conjunct Ascendant — Conservative and self-disciplined, someone with Saturn conjunct their ascendant is likely to be reserved and cautious, perhaps due to anxieties about their self-worth (especially earlier in life). The seriousness and maturity of Saturn shines through even at an early age, despite lingering self-doubts, and with deepening maturity may bring a sense of agelessness that has the authority of truth and wisdom behind it.
- Pluto Conjunct Ascendant — Pluto conjunct the Ascendant tends to express itself through a powerful, insightful and intense personality, deeply private and reserved in some ways while also able to grasp some of the deeper secrets of others. The intensity of this conjunction indicates a person willing to go all-out (or all-in) in their commitments and endeavors.
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