Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable); 7:23am - 4:54pm
Moon: waning crescent, libra (air/cardinal)
Earth: mild, steady rain all day

Thoughts: thinking about craft ideas for Christmas/Solstice gifts, as well as crafting three realms image and star fire goddess image; thinking about tomorrow's tasks for wedding wednesday and contacting people for addresses; Emily wants to have Savanah's tonsils removed, though we're not sure why and Savanah hasn't been showing any negative symptoms (even according to Emily); wondering what my next project for work is going to be; thinking about finishing the final-goodbye post for the blog; also need to finish the nonprofit tax status article (just get it done!)

Actions: yoga this morning; email a few people about addresses; finish tax article and email it; get started on new work project (if Ryan lets me know what exactly it's going to be); probably need to bring clothes up from the basement (in case of flooding over the next few days, but also just to finally unpack now that I have room)

Connections: money will continue to be an issue as long as Emily keeps inventing reasons to take the kids to the doctor when they're not showing symptoms of anything - I think Jeff and I are both beginning to worry about Emily's grip on reality and her ability to distinguish her health issues from the kids' health issues; also, getting the urge to do crafts again, which is hard to resist as a distraction from the more difficult work of getting an article written (but really don't want to flake on the editor, since as an editor myself on occasion I know how annoying flakey writers can be)

Daily Tarot Card: The Six of Wands is a card of victory and success, triumph over difficult odds - it is the completion of a cycle of events, but also the beginning of a new one. Hard work has yielded positive results already, but you feel a gnawing urge to move on, to stay sharp and active and to confront the next challenge head-on rather than waiting for it to find you. There is positive, proactive energy in this card, but also tension and potential conflict as success inevitably draws envious attention. Celebrate and appreciate the progress you have made so far, but stay on your toes and keep striving to ensure your progress continues. (My notes: I'm starting to think this card has something to do with this on-going issue with Emily about her inability to show financial responsibility for the kids. We have made some progress in this area, though it's been hard won, and every success seems to bring about some new way for her to spend Jeff's money - on the other hand, each new way gets a little more bizarre and harder to justify, so continuing to work at finding reasonable compromises will, hopefully, continue to bear fruit.)

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:22am - 4:55pm
Moon: last quarter, virgo (earth/mutable)
Earth: quite cold, sunny, cloudless sky

Thoughts: Emily's website for her new "home business" is (in Jeff's words) "abhorrent" in how much it uses over-the-top enthusiasm combined with scare tactics and blatant consumerism, and does very much make the whole thing look like a pyramid scheme - just needed to get that out there; I'm anxious about finishing this article for W&P, and also about the eventual meeting for the PNC Editorial, though still not sure when that will be; also a bit anxious about writing a final post for the blog before going on hiatus (though this one is more being unsure how to put it, but still eager to make the official break and shift my focus); also, thinking about my work for the day and sending my first invoice to Ryan

Actions: going to Panera this morning for breakfast after swinging by the bank, spending some time this morning gathering data for the W&P article and trying to draw up an outline, after lunch running to the co-op for weekly groceries, then back here to do contractor work (depending on what Ryan has to say, if anything, on what I've done so far); at some point, I want to try to organize my new closet space some and finally unpack my clothes from the boxes in the basement

Connections: a lot of worry about other people's expectations and not feeling up to them, as well as being braced to feel annoyed by certain people (Emily, Cara, etc.) - definitely feeling pressure to withdraw from the world, or at least the online world for a while and just do my own thing, but not wanting to let anyone down or fall through on my commitments

Daily Tarot Card: The Chariot (VII) represents the role of the ego, our conscious sense of self, as a director of our actions and an expression of our will. Reigning in the wild impulses of our human animal natures, we strive to present to the world a coherent, individuated self-identity capable of navigating the challenges and obstacles of a world in constant flux and change around us. The Chariot represents the victory of healthy ego-formation, which expresses itself through self-confidence, discipline, focused intent and poise. (My note: This seems to be a card of advice today, suggesting that I need to call upon my willpower to push through these tasks to completion.)

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable); 7:21am - 4:55pm
Moon: last quarter, virgo (earth/mutable)
Earth: bright and sunny but very cold, down near freezing, incredibly dry air

Thoughts: thinking about what I want out of the Lady of the Stars group, and what I have to contribute; also thinking about writing up a post about my decision to stop blogging (at least for a time); wondering where exactly my colored pencils and compass got to, and thinking about needing to clean the house, possibly spending time doing that this coming week

Actions: another day off - Jeff is spending it researching caterers for the wedding, I am hoping to get a post done for the blog and maybe tweaking a few half-finished ones to post to get me through December; also probably need to spend time (this week, though not necessarily today) finishing that article on nonprofit tax law for W&P; possibly going to Phipps later today to enjoy the winter show

Connections: just spending some time turning ideas over in my mind, it's nice to feel like I have an actual day off where I don't have any obligations or things that I absolutely must get done; the pressure to blog, though, still lingers and it would be nice to be able to set that down completely

Daily Tarot Card: The Hanged Man (XII) understands the nature of surrender and sacrifice, and the potential rewards that willing surrender can bring. This card indicates the yearning to turn inward, to integrate sun and shadow aspects of the self into a deeper wholeness of being. The reassertion of your spiritual side urges you to leave behind certain aspects and activities of your life that no longer serve your deeper self, and to accept the reality that many things of the Spirit are not in your control. The Hanged Man is a card of graceful nonaction, emotional and spiritual release and acceptance of the greater forces and patterns at work.

Seeking Clarity on the Seven of Cups: A Three Card Spread

The choices before me are many: some will lead me astray down a path that is unhealthy and harmful, some will lead me on a path that will be fruitful and beneficial, and others will lead me back here again, to relearn the lessons I have not yet learned. I ask for clarity and insight into the nature of these choices, that I may choose wisely.

(1) What choice will lead me to a path that is unhealthy and harmful?
(2) What choice will lead me to a path that is fruitful and beneficial?
(3) What choice will lead me here again to relearn the lessons I have not yet learned?

(1) Page of Wands (3) Three of Pentacles (2) Ten of Pentacles


Page of Wands: A card of child-like innocence, enthusiasm and charm, often representing someone of exuberant activity and light-heartedness. The page is the less mature, more child-like expression of feminine qualities in the masculine suit of the energetic wands, and so it is a card of spark, initiative and change, of activities pursued with joy and innocence and no ulterior motives.

Yet here it appears in a position representing a harmful or unhealthy choice, and I admit that I see myself as having little in common with the Page of Wands, who calls attention to herself with charisma and enthusiasm and delights in her own outgoing personality at the center of activity. It may be that this card warns me against attempting to behave as a Page of Wands might simply because I perceive her energy and personality as of a kind more desirable to others, and so more likely to make my work popular. One cannot pretend to innocence or light-heartedness, and at times like these I must acknowledge that, though I am often full of joy and gratitude, it is not the joy of a light heart, but a heart broken open with grief and longing. Others may attract happy followers and supporters through their child-like innocence, but that is not truly a choice for me — it is likely that, instead, I would only appear immature and unskilled, fumbling and silly instead of lucky and skilled.


Ten of Pentacles: A card of culmination, completion and marriage, particularly the marriage between the material and the spiritual realm. This marriage — a union of art and aesthetics that expresses itself through material media in patterns of balanced and harmonious form — brings with it an acceptance and relaxation into one's natural place in the world, appreciating all the wealth and beauty of the physical realm and a prosperous, happy life. Hard work and diligence to patterns of tradition have brought about success and prosperity, and that prosperity circulates throughout the world as each passes on the gifts to the next, for this is the nature of wealth and prosperity in the natural world: flow, exchange and participation in the larger, immortal patterns of the universe.

This card appears in a position representing a choice that will lead to a fruitful and beneficial path, and it certainly seems to indicate this. There is a formality within this card, the number ten evoking not only the marriage of spirit and matter but that union expressed through the Tree of Life. There is structure and formality in this card — a distinct contrast to the more unpredictable nature of the Page of Wands — and I do find myself resisting and rebelling against this idea as potentially limiting and restrictive. Yet I also realize that I have often thrived best in circumstances that demand formality and structure, and that my work has often been to bring sincerity and depth to these structures and patterns, to bring life to them by imbuing them with my own passion and love. I am again reminded of the amber-less stars of my Flamekeeping meditation, and the instruction to fill these pieces with my own life-blood and energy. Tiny silver suns — star-like, like the pentacle symbol itself.


Three of Pentacles: This is a card of beginnings, a resolution of the tension and duality of two in the on-going process of manifestation, especially the expression of skill and intention in the physical world through craftsmanship or artistic skill. It is also a card of teamwork and joint endeavors, the two working together to create a third as an expression of their union and blending of skills. In my deck, this card depicts a couple in a process of creation: an elfin female lifted upon the shoulders of a male, sliding her fingers along rock which gives way as softly as clay, to carve the stars and interweaving arcs of the pentacles. Again there is the hint of the spiritual expressed through the material form, the stained-glass beauty of the stars suspended within the solid rock.

This card appears in a position indicating a choice-that-is-not-a-choice, a path that will more than likely lead again to this place of indecision and uncertainty amidst an array of too many possibilities. In some ways, I can see how the message depicted in this card has led me here to begin with — my relationship with Jeff lending me support and encouragement that for a long time I had done without, inspiring me to pursue work that might not have seemed possible a few years ago. As a result, I have accomplished a great deal, and yet the work seems only to have begun and I know that there is much more to come. And so, it may be that this sense of partnership is meant to mature into a more independent form of self-expression on my part, not so dependent upon the support and direct involvement of Jeff. Perhaps I have become too eager to take his advice and rely on his guidance and suggestions about how to pursue my work; these may be good suggestions for him, but they may not work for me, and the time may have arrived when it is necessary for me to discover my own methods for doing my work. The role of my partnership with Jeff is, perhaps, ready to mature from one of direct support and involvement in my work, to one of cultivating and providing a stable, comfortable home within which I feel empowered to take the risks that I feel called to take.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:20am - 4:56pm
Moon: last quarter, leo (fire/fixed)
Earth: gray and chilly all day, the first snow of the season just after sunrise this morning

Thoughts: spent all day feeling unusually susceptible to sadness and anxiety; worrying about why Raymond hasn't emailed me back about his mailing address so that we can send him a Save the Date for the wedding; frustrated and annoyed by the comment thread on Carl's recent post about "missing the point" in writing about mysticism, and the increasing belligerence of blog commenters in general who seem so comfortable sitting in judgement of others and criticizing those who dare to attempt creativity or craft; continuing to feel a growing ambivalence about blogging as a medium and unsure how to overcome the various obstacles and problems associated with the medium, uncertain about how to live my soul-work through my writing and how to deal with feelings of being ignored and unsupported by the community

Actions: a rare day off without work or kids, so Jeff and I hung out around the house in the morning watching a Pirates movie, then headed to IKEA to find out which bookcase it was we wanted to ask as a gift from my parents, then made our way back home for a quiet night to watch the third Pirate movie, which Jeff had never seen

Connections: in general, feeling cranky with a headache all day, which was either a result of or cause of the sadness and feelings of being overwhelmed; watching the Pirates movie and reveling in the triumph of the old gods of wildness, freedom and nature over the petty bonds of greed, capitalism and betrayal; good storytelling will prevail even in the face of the logic we tell ourselves is "more real" - being true to the story that needs to be told, that speaks to the heart, I suppose

Daily Tarot Card: The Seven of Cups reveals a situation of paradox, dreams and fantasies. Some may be dangerous, encouraging unhealthy character traits like ambition, greed and egoism, urging us on to pursue unattainable goals at our own peril. Yet other dreams are the leadings of our deeper true selves, holding within them the potential for more authentic connection and integrity, healthful and fruitful spiritual growth. We may find ourselves in situations when it is difficult to distinguish these latter dreams from the unhelpful fantasies. There are too many possibilities to choose from, and so choice itself feels impossible. (My note: But we always have a choice - the liver does not jump up and slap us in the face. It may be necessary for me to spend time determining my own motives and discerning the most beneficial path towards which my soul is prompting me.)

Flamekeeping Meditation

Fire and Water in the Earth of my body,
I honor you, Brigid, Bright Goddess of Flame,
I honor you, Lady of Wellspring and Starlight,
And inscribe in my heart your thrice-holy name.

The candle is the center way, open between the worlds. I hold my hands as though in prayer, then slowly bring them apart to rest, palms upturned, on my knees. Above the soft sound of my breath as it rocks back and forth, ebb and flow within my body — the rustle of the wind in tree branches.

I am in a forest, rich and thick with the scent of evergreen. Tall pines stand all about me like the buttresses and columns of a great cathedral, shivering and shifting in a breeze. I feel as though I can sense every thin, green needle spread like whiskers, scenting the wind, turning this way and that. I stand in awe for a moment, unsure where to go or what to do. I place my hand against the rough, red trunk of one of the trees. Sticky sap seeps beneath my fingers, clinging to my skin.

A figure behind me — it is She, the Bright Goddess, this time draped in subtle, shifting green like the pine trees, her hair in radiant, auburn braids plaited thick and draped about her shoulders like a luxuriant fringe. "Taste," she seems to say with a small gesture, "the sap is sweet." Like the amber was once, I find myself thinking as I raise my fingertips to my lips and lick the sap from my hands. "The amber that once flowed through the veins of ancient trees," she agrees. "What is it that makes the sap sweet?" I do not know how to answer her. "It is the connection between earth and sky, the roots seeking deep for water, the limbs reaching, striving towards sunlight." She watches me as my gaze drifts beyond her back to the great trees of the forest. They seem to dwarf both of us, and I'm struck again by how small her form is. "It is the movement between the realms, the connection that flows through living veins, that makes the sap sweet."

I kneel down at her feet as she speaks these words. But she raises me up again with a gesture or a glance, or simply by her refusal to be an object of groveling or subordination. What do I need, what can you give me as guidance and aid? I try to ask her. But she says, almost sharply, "You already have everything you need." The amber sun — "Yes, the drop of liquid fire, the sweet sap of life-blood connecting the three realms. And the spiral shell? She smiles and looks to the new amulet I now where around my neck, the blue goldstone surrounding the glistening spiral forged of silver. "The dark waters of space, the depths of source and creation — do you think this amulet is so different from the spiral shell you were given at the wellspring?" And the sword? The missing piece, the gift I could not yet quite see — is it the sword of starlight? The simple athame? In answer, I find the small knife in my hands, lengthening into a sword glistening, pulsing with a light of its own, starlight or moonlight in the twilight beneath the trees.

I swing the sword, as though to test its sharpness and my strength. It slices through the image of the lady standing before me, slices it in half as though a flimsy veil, and the reality of the woods flap loose like a rip in space itself. Through the tear, a glimpse of dark night scattered brilliant with endless stars. I peer through, and seem to hear her voice coming from that beyond-place, reassuring me that I have not hurt her, only cut down the image of her to a larger reality. I wonder if this is the threshold between my inner landscape and the deep places of the realms beyond, the collective unconscious, the place of Spirit and soul. I remember the card I drew this morning, the image of the wanderer stepping out onto the thin earth-bridge made by the very act of stepping, a bridge created by the journey. I step through the tear and into the gulf of space.

Below my feet, it seems a thin foot bridge solidifies, bearing up my weight. I step again, moving farther out into space, and farther. The bridge, which at first seemed made of earth and brown stone, starts to sweat star-stuff like condensation, drips of night sky gathering like dew along its edges, running down the slope back towards the rip in space that leads back into the pine forest. The droplets of star-fire space sparkle darkly like pieces of tumbled blue goldstone, and I gather a few as amulets and charms, thinking somehow to bring them back for others. The bridge beneath my feet is soon coated completely with the shimmering dark surface, lit from within and glittering with stars, so that the bridge itself seems made of night and starlight instead of earth. All about me, the black abyss of space yawns open, the distance and nothingness sending a brief sense of thrilling vertigo through my body. Still, I keep walking — ahead of me, She is there again, her hair loose and flickering upwards like a flame, her form now draped in dark blue velvet robes that catch what little light there is in this place.

I can go no further, but far in the distance I seem to see the faint flickering of orange forge fire. I ask her if she can take me there, to the place where the stars are forged. She takes both my hands in hers and lifts me gently from the bridge, waltzing me across the distances, our feet trailing rippling mists like the tails of comets. When we reach the forge, it glows warm and pulsing like an ember nestled in a cave-like nook of nighttime. The hiss of steam and the noise of the bellows surround us, the ringing sting of the hammer against the anvil — and I see the forms being created there, tiny round discs of silver with curling rays, like miniature suns. They look quite like my own sun charm, except that their centers are empty. I ask this goddess of the Star Forge where is the amber, why the charms are incomplete. "Don't you see?" she seems to say. "These are only tools and symbols, but the amber is the life-blood, upwelling from the source — it must arise from you, from your life and your work. Only then will the sun become complete."

My mind wanders to the prayer beads I have crafted, and how I might make more to use as a tool for prayer. She laughs at me as though indulging the amusing obsessions of her child, chiding me a little for always wanting so much to make things, instead of allowing my work to be the upwelling of my life to fill in and complete what I have made. As I ponder this thought, I seem to hear the ocean waves in rhythm on the shore. In time with my breathing, they seem to draw me back to my inner landscape, and I find myself wandering down out of the tall pine forest to the pebbly beach, the ocean stretching out deep blue and etched with rising star light as, on the western horizon over the mountain, the sky blazes orange and red with the sunset. I sit for a little while, watching the dusk fade to blues and purples, holding a small memory of that fiery sunset within me as I prepare to keep the flame from this sunset to the next.

Bring my hands together again, I bow my head in gratitude for the wisdom shared. I slip the small flamekeeping pendant over my head, and breathe deeply as I sing my awen and promise to carry Brigid's Fire and Water in the Earth of my body. The meditation has ended, and I speak the words of peace as my breath moves through me like the tides beneath a night sky.

Daily Diary

Days of Note: Thanksgiving (in Lancaster), Flamekeeping begins at sunset

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:17am - 4:56pm
Moon: waning gibbous, cancer (water/cardinal)
Earth: gray, cold and sleeting in Lancaster

Thoughts: feeling distracted by the constant noise of the television and have a bit of a headache (possibly also due to dust); mind kind of wandering, not thinking about much in particular; just wanting to get through the holiday without any arguments, a bit on edge but in general very much enjoying Jeff being here - his presence seems to calm everyone down; thinking a lot about this new idea for writing on the blog and getting kind of excited about it

Actions: meditation this morning, Jeff, my brother and I are going to see Harry Potter around lunch time, coming back to an early Thanksgiving dinner (and probably more television, though Jeff and I will likely retire to the bedroom)

Connections: I still don't understand the point of visiting family and spending time with other people if the TV is going to be on the entire time dominating the conversation and taking precedence over the presence of other people in the room; but just making sure I don't start any fights (in the meantime, Jeff and I are able to have fairly witty conversations between the two of us that demonstrate to our parents that you can talk about politics and what's wrong with society without it ruining your day)

Daily Tarot Card: The Three of Wands is a card of dynamic restfulness, a pause on the threshold, a moment in which to stop, take a breath and appreciate the success that has brought you thus far - before stepping out to continue your journey, perhaps moving farther than any others before you have gone. The wide world beckons, stretched out before you beneath a bright sun - carrying a reminder not only to explore and expand your horizons, but to seek a broader perspective and rise to the call of leadership. (My notes: I think this is a very good card, especially as it relates to this new blog project idea. For now, of course, I can't do anything until I get back home. So the next day and a half is definitely a time of rest and pause before continuing on the journey.)

Daily Diary

Days of Note: Traveling to Lancaster to visit parents for Thanksgiving

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:16am - 4:57pm
Moon: waning gibbous, cancer (water/cardinal)
Earth: chilly and gray all day, felt like it never quite got past twilight

Thoughts: feeling anxious for no real identifiable reason, but it's causing various stresses to come to the fore; worried about the blog and why no one seems inclined to support it, and whether or not it's even the appropriate medium for my writing any more; worried about wedding planning and the conversation with my parents in the next few days about the progress we've made (and anticipating arguments about decisions to come); a little anxious about work and wanting to put a few more hours in this week, perhaps on Friday; also anxious about the Lady of the Stars group and how that's moving along, really wanting folks to stick with it, probably not necessary to worry about that given the amount of interest, but still, I find I don't want to lose that community now that I've found it

Actions: another Wedding Wednesday, spent most of today going over the check-list of accomplishments from the past few months and organizing a power-point presentation for tomorrow or Friday to discuss with my parents about plans for the coming months; also wasted time this morning replying to blog posts (and now feeling frustrated about that waste of time); still have to finish laundry and pack, get on the road to drive to Lancaster

Connections: just general anxiety, oddly enough I'm wondering if it has to do with the idea of having two days off from all of this stuff and being mostly away from the computer; I've been getting stuff done as quickly as possible over the past few weeks, making huge strides, to the point where I just don't see how I can do anymore, and maybe I'm feeling frustrated that it doesn't feel like I'm accomplishing much of anything and, especially, I haven't really written anything substantial recently (other than the meditation the other night, and the write-up of ritual results that I posted to the Brigid group - and of course these daily diary entries); so I don't know... just anxious and feeling worn out, and yet worried that I can't get everything done and I'm not making enough progress

Daily Tarot Card: The Five of Cups indicates a time of emotional upheaval, sorrow and regret - plans and hopes have been upset, dreams toppled, tears shed. Yet five is a number of transformation and revolution, as well, and so this card demands a reorientation in our outlook, a reevaluation of our emotional patterns and priorities. There may be more cause to hope than we realize, as well as positive things in our lives that we are overlooking or under-appreciating due to our focus on our own frustration and grief. What gifts may we be undervaluing? What potentials and promises have we turned our backs on? The Five of Cups challenges us to remain emotionally open and receptive to whatever the shifting tides may bring.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:15am - 4:57pm
Moon: waning gibbous, gemini (air/mutable)
Earth: sunny and mild, sometimes a bit gusty, the woods seems bare and spread open beneath the sky, only the trunks breaking up the distance like dark columns

Thoughts: a bit worried about work - it can be tedious if I'm trying to do more then four hours in a day, which I'd like to for financial reasons; plus, got in trouble with the boss for having an away message on my Skype referencing an aspect of my job (though I only use it for work, so him and my manager are the only ones who can see it, he was worried it treaded a bit too close to the nondisclosure policy) - ergh, I feel embarrassed; thinking about pacifism and the purpose of blogging, if my work is appropriate for the medium or if I should be thinking about "reinventing" the website after solstice; thinking about the wedding and Mom's issue with doing things "the traditional way".... not wanting to get into another argument with her about it, but also really not wanting to spend lots of money Jeff and I don't really want or that don't represent us or our values

Actions: yoga this morning; four hours of work so far, so feeling somewhat productive anyway; went for an hour long walk in the woods and spent some time in meditation, left offerings to the land and its creatures; not sure what we're doing after dinner tonight, but I want to try to get in an hour or two more of work before then

Connections: honestly, have stayed pretty focused today, though when one thing sets me off worrying, it reminds me of the various other things causing me to worry; still, I feel productive and clear-headed, and the tedious nature of the work today is, I think, giving me time to process and gain some perspective

Daily Tarot Card: The Seven of Cups is a card of dreams, fantasies and paradox. Myriad possibilities beckon to us - so many, indeed, that is almost feels impossible to choose among them. Not all of our dreams and hopes are realistic, nor will they all lead to our healthful and spiritual fulfillment. Yet the potential for soul-work and fostering a deep connection with our inner wisdom and our true selves exists, if we are careful not to allow ourselves to be distracted by the temptations of self-aggrandizement, egoism, greed, manipulation or ambition.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:14am - 4:58pm
Moon: waning gibbous, just after full, gemini (air/mutable)
Earth: almost unseasonably warm, up near 70, though somewhat blustery at times

Thoughts: thinking about last night's ritual, wondering about some of its more confusing aspects, wondering what kind of effect it might have (or not); brief period of time on Facebook got me riled up again over the TSA "enhanced pat downs," apparently now TSA security officers are being harassed at the workplace by angry and belligerent passengers; surprise, surprise, when you encourage people to be angry and afraid, they'll act out in hostile ways towards the people they perceive as most directly to blame (even if those people are just "messengers")

Actions: check Lady of the Stars forum to read through other people's responses this morning; clean and rearrange things to make it easier to move furniture in/out; tried to get some work done, but the server is having problems (on their end, not mine) so my connection was too slow to get much useful stuff done, got a few hours in after lunch before the server slowed down again; had a nice visit with my dad and my brother, went out to lunch with them and Jeff after helping them move new(ish) furniture in; had a moment of panic about the missing cat, but turns out he was hiding behind one of the curtains in the dining room and fell asleep there; now waiting for Jeff to finish up work, then want to spend some time uploading photos of last night's altar and checking back with the forum

Connections: other than the brief distraction of Facebook stupidity, today was a very productive day with lots of interest and work done, despite a slow server connection; I'm still feeling incredibly thankful for a job that challenges my efficiency and accuracy and gives me tasks to do that I can feel as though I've accomplished and completed at the end of my work day; also, the money is nice; really looking forward to hearing from others about their ritual experiences with Brigid of the Forge Fire, comparing notes, etc.

Daily Tarot Card: Death comes as a moment of transformation and liberation, though it may be a moment full of pain, difficulty and sorrow as so many endings are. This card indicates a moment of change, the end of an old and outdated way of life, perhaps one not fulfilling or too bogged down by external forms, and the joyous possibility of a new life beckoning. The way is not necessarily clear, but requires a plunge into the dark, perseverance and hope as lights to guide you along the way. Something new will be born from the old, if you have the courage to let go and remain open. This is the way of all life in the world, the cycles of life, death and rebirth ever turning under the stars.

Lady of the Stars: A Full Moon Ritual of Invocation and Exploration

Preparation:

As I set up the altar area, my excitement mounted, to the point where I felt almost like a kid again getting ready for bed on Christmas Eve night and wanting desperately to fall asleep quickly so that morning would come sooner. I set up the altar, took some initial photographs and then lit some incense to burn while I did my cleansing and preparatory meditation in another room. I changed into the simple blue dress that I often wear for ritual, replaced my mundane jewelry with the pieces I reserve for ritual and other special occasions; I washed my face and hands with cold water, helping to cool my skin which by that point was warm and flushed with excitement and energy. Then I spent about twenty minutes in meditation, first rehearsing the steps of the ritual in my mind, and then sitting quietly and focusing on my breath, chanting my awen while I centered and grounded, attempting to circulate and integrate the excited energy I was feeling. Eventually, I felt ready to begin the ritual. (By this time, it was about 9 PM.)



Altar and Ritual Area:

I used a small room in our apartment (that we call "the study"), spreading a deep blue blanket out on the floor and using a low, long coffee table draped in a gorgeous blue scarf as an altar. In the center of the altar I placed a small blue bowl sparkling with a layer of gold glitter (which, in retrospect, I probably used far too liberally). To the immediate right of the bowl was the small, gold floating candle I would place in the bowl and light; to the immediate left was the circular blue goldstone pendant I would be consecrating. Behind the bowl I placed the green-and-purple fluorite sphere in its stand, along with the pieces of tumbled goldstone and blue goldstone, and around these the strand of prayer beads I'd recently created to use during my flamekeeping shifts, with the amber-centered sun as its main charm. To the right side of the altar burned a small red candle in a gold-flecked candle holder, in front of which I laid my old athame. To the left side of the altar I placed my small blue pitcher of water, and in front of this my tarot deck in its blue bag. Scattered all over the altar were silver and opalescent flat-sided marbles that, against the blue of the scarf, looked like distant stars glimmering in the flickering candle light.

On the lower shelf beneath the altar, I kept the matches, the ritual bell, the candle snuffer and my iPod hooked up to two small external speakers for easy use during the ritual. I also had my tarot books and a copy of the ritual script in case I needed it. I left the incense burning up on top of the cabinet so that the incense smoke drifted down around me as I sat on the floor in front of the altar.



The Ritual:

The ritual itself went very well. I had no trouble with the memorization and hardly even stumbled, though once or twice I had to pause or speak slowly rather than rush ahead - but that was fine. I had a little trouble at the beginning settling down and working with my energy level; I found myself almost distracted by my anticipation so that it was hard to just sit and do the work of the ritual itself.

During the Statement of Intent, I played Iona's song, "A Million Stars," to help me anchor more firmly in the "mood" as I charged and lit the candle and poured the water in to the bowl. The effect was dazzling, to see the candle light flickering off of all the gold glitter covering the bottom of the bowl, and then slowly lifting and rising as the water swirled - some of the glitter remaining on the bottom, while some floated on the surface, causing this wonderful effect of depth reflecting back the candle light. What I didn't anticipate was the candle drifting towards the place where I poured the water from the pitcher into the bowl, so that once or twice I had to gently bump it with my finger in the opposite direction so that I wouldn't accidentally douse it. The result was getting my fingers covered in glitter, which ended up mostly on my hands and in the lap of my blue dress - not a bad effect. Creating and opening the center way went very well, and after some deep breaths, I moved on to the invocation of the Lady of the Stars and transitioned fairly quickly, after the chant, into meditation.

Once in my meditative trance, however, I had a hard time getting situated - I found myself kind of wandering my inner landscape, beginning first on the shore of the pebbly beach where my last meditation left off. But soon growing restless and unable to focus well, I sought out the forest grove up above far back in the woods away from the cliff that looked out over the ocean. On my way there, I noticed that my body was nude and covered with the glistening bits of gold glitter, not only on my hands but all up and down my limbs, and they shone and sparkled against my pale skin as I walked through the dark woods towards my inner grove. Upon reaching my inner grove, I found a fire already lit at the altar, a fire that resembled the dark amber fiery clouds of [a new star being born]. Above, through the clearing in the trees, I could just glimpse a deep night sky full of stars. At first, I spent some time dancing and turning around the space, rejoicing in how my glitter-studded skin reflected and glimmered in the starlight and firelight... Then, slowly, I noticed that a figure was over by the fire, dark and slightly hunched, attending to the flames. When I drew closer, the figure turned towards me - and showed a frightening clown-mask of white skin with bright red thick-lipped make-up and bared teeth flashing in the firelight, eyes looking slightly maniacal.

I was completely not expecting this, and began to get a little panicked, since I have never encountered such a terrifying figure within my meditation before and it seemed deeply wrong and foreboding to encounter one now, during such an important ritual. Yet every time I tried to come closer to the figure, that was the face that glanced at me over its hunched shoulder. Finally, I declared loudly, "I am not afraid of you!" At which point, the fire on the altar seemed to pulse, sending out a ripple of energy that disintegrated the terrifying clown figure. I was alone in the grove for a little while, until it seemed to me that a figure was descending from the sky - a woman figure, whose hair rippled upward in dark auburn-amber waves like a flame. She was robed in deep blue, so deep it was almost the same color as the night sky itself, and when I could get a glimpse of her face (which for some reason felt difficult to look in to), it seemed pale and utterly peaceful, even as though her eyes were closed. I felt sure that this was the same figure who had appeared to me in my meditation a few days earlier.

The conversation we had was somewhat jumbled and difficult to discern at times. The gist of it, however, was a reminder that fear, too, is sacred and is in many ways very similar to love, an expression of love itself. If we do not love, then we cannot be afraid, and so it is important to listen to our fears as a sign pointing the way to our love. She reminded me of what has always been the guiding inspiration for my poetry (which I have set aside for a long time) - that is, I have always written poetry as a way of facing my fears, hunting my fears through the darkness and seeking them out, trying to render them beautiful. She reminded me that this is what I need to keep doing in my own life. When I objected that surely I must have some better gift to give to the world than to be - as she called it, referring to a name some Native American Indian tribes give to the rabbit - the "fear-caller," she chided me, saying that the world is so utterly full of fear these days, there could be no more sacred a gift than to help transform this fear into something holy and meaningful, to render it beautiful and remind people that fear is an aspect of love.

After a time, our conversation seemed to wander and lose its thread, and I thanked her for her guidance and her advice, though I wasn't sure how to interpret it or act upon it. I asked her what advice or wisdom she had concerning this group, and her response was, "Do not worry so much about it for now. Just follow the leadings you sense, listen to the callings as they come, and don't worry too much about trying to pin things down or define things or control things. Let things happen as they will." Then, as she seemed to fade away and leave me alone in the grove again, the sky above me seemed to clear of some until-then-imperceptible mist or cloud cover, and reveal a sky that seemed so infinite and deep with stars that the stars themselves felt as though they were millions and millions of miles away. The distance felt so overwhelming, and the space between those points of brilliance so vast, that I felt giddy and fearful with a sudden sense of vertigo, as though I might lose my grip on the earth and go drifting off into space. And then I remembered again how fear could be an aspect or sign of love, and thought how close fear was to awe, and awe to love and gratitude, and how this sense of vastness and overwhelming majesty was, too, something that could inspire fear in us.

After the meditation, I took a little bit of time to re-center and then moved on to divination. Below I wrote out the cards I drew, and my interpretations of their meaning...

Finally, I finished the ritual by consecrating the amulet of blue goldstone to this work, blessing it thrice with water from the bowl and then passing it thrice through the flame of the central candle. Afterwards, I spent some time again re-centering, and then conclude the ritual with the final blessing and the unweaving of sacred space.

My feet had fallen asleep, so it took while to stand up after that! I took a few more pictures of the altar with the candles lit, once I had officially ended the ritual.



Divination Results (Tarot Reading):

"Who are you?"

Eight of Pentacles - I am the weaver of webs upon which the dew collects like stars, shining in intimate constellations, fire within water. I am the tension of duality - light and dark, fire and water, being and becoming - tripled in power, the eight spokes of the turning wheel, the four directions echoing above and below. I am the creatrix and the creative force, the worker and the work, the inspiration and spark of transformation that gives rise to new forms and seeks expression through new skills. I am the energy and effort of the creative process; I am the worker enthralled with her craft, seeking ever-new paths to manifestation in the world of physical forms. It is a delicate dance I weave through the world, and each star shivers as fragile and shining as a drop of dew suspended in the darkness and emptiness of space.


"Why have you brought this group together?"

Eight of Cups - To dive deep into the realms of intuition, emotion and mystery, following the glimmer of inspiration that leads to new realms, new insights, new depths of understanding. The old patterns of emotion and relationship once carefully laid out and protected - it is time to abandon these for new adventure, the risk of the night and its darkness, the thrill of the unknown. A star shines in the depths of the sea, fire within water, beckoning as a guiding light, leading more deeply into soul.


"How can we best serve you as a group?"

Queen of Pentacles - Share the riches of your creative selves, cultivating a warm and supportive environment in which others can do the same. Seek relationships of harmony and humility with all the good things of the earth - be humble as humus, "from the earth," rooted in compassion and cheerfulness and the joy of the senses. Dare to be yourselves without harming others; draw strength from the oak, who is nourished both by deep roots anchored in the moist soil and by lofty branches striving towards the warmth and golden light of the sun. The pentacle is, itself, a star crafted of the stuff of the earth. Become craftsfolk of the pentacle, the earthly star, forging creative, compassionate relationships in the world around you.


"How can I best serve you within the group?"

The Sun (XIX) - Seek the joyful acceptance of the child playing in the morning sunlight as it warms the land. Unabashed and completely at ease with who you are, it becomes easier to share your gifts with the world, radiating energy and enthusiasm as naturally as the sun shines, giving warmth and light to others - yet, like the sun, also knowing when to retire to the shadows and allow others to shine. Clarity of vision and purpose, the energy of passion and the eager embrace of inspiration and enlightenment are your gifts to share with others in child-like innocence and wonder at the marvels of the world.

Savanah's Year: Calas of Earth, Week 2

So, of course, this week I was able to take some time and prepare a lesson plan for Savanah — and we barely had time to hold the actual lesson. We were late getting back from the library, where Jeff spent a lot of time talking to a librarian trying to find some more challenging books for Savanah (who is reading books slightly below her reading level at this point), and so we barely had half an hour for this week's lesson. What made this even more difficult was that Savanah forgot and/or lost her Druid journal and so spent a few panicked minutes looking for it before settling down with us. When we tried to go over her journal questions from last week, she admitted that she hadn't written down her answers but had only "thought about them." But getting her to give more complex answers than one or two words was like pulling teeth.

This is an issue that I suspect will keep coming up for us. As I said before, sometimes I'm at a loss as to how to ask questions in a way that will deepen the responses they evoke. Questions like "what kinds of things prevent us from appreciating our kinship with the earth?" seem really wonderful and full of complexity when I think about how I might answer them — but perhaps they are a bit too vague or too broad to elicit a response from a twelve year old. (Savanah's response was, "Money." When we prompted her further, she said, "Because people want money, and they have to do things that are bad for the earth in order to get money.") Or maybe it's not twelve year olds in general, but something more specific to Savanah and how she reasons. What I do know is that the word-matching exercises prompted a great deal of really insightful and interesting discussion, as she gave her reasons for her choices and explained her thought processes. So I know that she has some complexity of thought in her, it's just a matter of figuring out how to prompt her and getting her to articulate it on her own without so much prompting.

In any case, today's lesson was a bit rushed and there was a bit more of Jeff and I "lecturing" than of mutual discussion. We talked about the body as a scared landscape, the expression of our soul in the world; we also used the metaphor of the body as a work of art that the world and the soul are creating together through their interaction (which got her to ask a really intriguing question about whether genes and the "instructions of the body for how to grow" counted as part of the world or part of the self — see! a fantastic question!). We discussed the idea of the body being an instrument of the soul-song, and the reasons why it's so important to take care of the body by listening to its needs, giving it plenty of rest and exercise, feeding it well and not putting too much stress (physically or emotionally) on it. She seemed less engaged with this conversation, even a bit intimidated by it. I tried to talk a little bit about why these things were important, and how as she grows older she will sometimes find that other people put pressure on her to ignore her body and its needs and take it for granted or treat it as a tool or an object, and how it is important for her to be able to make decisions about her body from a place of strength and love, knowing how to honor her body as a sacred home for her soul and an expression of her self. I'm not sure how much of this meant anything to her, and how much of it was over her head. I hope some of it will sink in or stick for her to at least remember in the future.

Because we'll be missing next weekend with her because of Thanksgiving, we wanted to give her some extra assignments to do over the course of two weeks. So in addition to two more journaling questions, I made up some more elemental exercises similar to the word-matching exercises.These involve brainstorming images, symbols, plants, animals and places and mapping them onto a wheel of the elements (earth, air, fire and water placed in on the top, right, bottom and left of a circle and connected by lines intersecting through the middle of the circle). The third exercise asked her to use the images, creatures and places from the previous two and try to write a story about a character going on a "journey through the elements" around the circle, meeting different creatures and beings in different places and having different experiences along the way. I thought this might be a fun exercise that would get her imagination going and give her some room to play and be creative...

I was totally wrong. About half an hour after Jeff returned from dropping off the kids, Emily called to say Savanah was up in her room crying because of her Druid assignment. She put Savanah on the phone and Jeff talked to her about what was wrong — apparently, she was feeling very intimidated by the assignment to write the story and was worried she couldn't do it (well, she outright stated that she knew she couldn't do it). So we talked about it with her and what she might like to do instead, and came to a compromise — she'll be drawing pictures for each of the elements based on her word associations and brainstorming. Jeff and I are hoping that perhaps we can work up to the story-telling, maybe having her do one section of it as part of the review for each of the elements after the three months of work for each one. Or perhaps we can come up with some other kind of large project that she can slowly build over time, incorporating writing and drawing and other forms of self-expression.

What does concern me a little bit is the fact that she felt so intimidated by the assignment. Granted, I don't have a lot of experience with pre-teens and all, but I didn't think the story-telling exercise was that far beyond her and I know she's tried to do some writing in the past. So I'm surprised by her reaction (though Jeff seems to think it was at least in part because she was feeling tired and rushed, and maybe she'll feel more confident about it tomorrow or as the week goes on). But coupled with our trip to the library, where she picked out books that were a reading level down from where she probably should be at (and not because she can't read harder books, I think, but just because those books were a series she enjoyed).... it makes me wonder a bit if she's being challenged enough by homeschooling. She has three younger siblings that her mother is also trying to teach at the same time, after all. Jeff and I were trying to remember the types of school assignments we had at her age, and both of us seem to recall much harder assignments than a simple story-writing exercise with two full weeks to complete it. Of course, both Jeff and I are writers at heart, and we're very much aware of not wanting to push our passions onto her. (That's why I suggested the alternative of drawing some pictures — she seems much more into the drawing, and has been working slowly through a book of mine about how to draw whenever she's over at our place.) On the other hand, writing is such an essential skill for almost all walks of life, and if her reaction to an assignment like this one is to get so upset, it really does make me worry about her eventually confronting challenges in school will not go very well. Emily seemed a bit annoyed that we "made her cry".... which is, granted, a mother's natural reaction and we certainly felt bad about it. At the same time, this year is about teaching her how to confront those challenges and even the ups and downs of her own emotions and to be okay in learning how to deal with them in healthy ways. So I think working up to a story-writing project, and having her work through her fears that she "can't do it," will both be good for her.

This is good learning experience for me, trying to figure out what kind of pace to move at. I'm sure it will be different with the other kids, too, which is why I want to take notes on all of this and be able to compare notes in future years. So, all in all, a rushed lesson this week but still hopefully not a waste. Next week the kids will be out of town for Thanksgiving family visits, and then the week after that we'll have them back and Savanah's next lesson in Calas of Earth will be thinking about her home environment and living space as sacred. So we'll see how that goes (and I have plenty of time to both prepare that week's lesson and finish the full outline of the months and weeks to come).

Daily Diary

Days of Note: Full Moon (Fire Friend)

Sun: scorpio (water/fixed) on the cusp of sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:13am - 4:58pm
Moon: full moon, taurus (earth/fixed)
Earth: bright sunny day, possibly up near 60

Thoughts: planning the ritual this evening - notice the sun and moon, between them reflecting all three realms (the sun moving from water into fire, the moon solidly in earth); excited for the ritual tonight; thinking about the coming week, getting things done, cleaning and readying for moving furniture; revisiting the wedding planning stuff, seeing where we are along the check-list, firming up plans for the trip in January

Actions: spending the day with the kids today, going to Phipps, possibly the library, Savanah's Druidry lesson; getting everything ready for the ritual; ritual tonight around 10 PM, then write up and post afterwards

Connections: mostly just thinking about what needs to get done over the next week, excited by lots of awesome stuff, not too worried about the holidays being overly stressful (yesterday's "Thanksgiving" dinner with the kids went well)

Daily Tarot Card: The Magician (I) appears again, sun flares radiating in tattoos on his shoulder, hands deftly balancing an orb of power between them. The four elements surround him, and he engages them with creativity, dexterity, self-confidence and insight. He represents that first initiative, the first impulse to act manifesting itself in the world - even if it is as yet only the inner world of his mind as it seeks out knowledge, patterns and new ideas. He is absorbed in his work, for that work is learning how to move through and change the world. His diligence, enthusiasm and energy hint of fruitful progress and success.

Daily Diary

Sun: scorpio (water/fixed), 7:12am - 4:59pm
Moon: *waxing gibbous, about a day from full, taurus (earth/fixed)
Earth: sunny but pretty chilly

Thoughts: TSA "enhanced pat downs" and their relationship to shame v. strength, humor v. embarrassment; thinking about the ritual and the SIG group set up

Actions: set up SIG group and get all members signed up, post welcome message; now it seems Ryan has several hours of work for me to do today as well (yay!); also wanted to do some prep work for Savanah's lesson tomorrow; also, help Jeff with "Thanksgiving" dinner tonight... though since we're not doing any from-scratch home cooking, it shouldn't be too hard

Connections: thoughts are mostly just annoyances I'm dwelling on; but happily, I have lots of things to get done today, so I'm eager to get started

Daily Tarot Card: The Six of Cups reminds us of the past and the child-like innocence and wonder of days gone by with their simple joys and good intentions. Yet it also indicates a new cycle in our lives has begun, particularly regarding our interpersonal relationships and emotional inner lives. We may experience fond memories and nostalgia for the past, but we would do best to embrace the open-mindedness of the child's perspective and look forward to our futures with eagerness and receptivity, while resisting the urge to romanticize what we have left behind.

(My notes: This meditation began in the morning, but I was interrupted by an IM from my manager with a new work assignment; the time with Jeff and the kids dominated the afternoon and early evening. So this was the first chance I had to finish the tarot card reading and post the entry.)

DOTR Lesson 2: Sea

It began with a few tenuous notes turning and echoing out across the waters, the keening of the violin striving against its own tension and yearning. I was there, on the same familiar rocky cliff that curved in around a small bay, the dark waters of the ocean stretching out far beneath me. The murmuring wash of waves among the pebbles of the beach below, rocking in rhythm until the music faded again into silence.

Above me, the stars began to slip out into the night, one by one, as though disrobing from the dark veils of the night sky. One by one, they turned and shot a gasp of brilliance blazing out in a spiny halo of light around them, then pulled back again, glistening and humming with a silent energy. I lifted my head to ask them for their wisdom. It seemed as though one beckoned to me, glimmering more brightly than the rest. The vertigo of a wild night sky thrown open from horizon to horizon swept over me as my gravity seemed to shift — and then before me, solid as stone it seemed, a staircase spiraled upwards into the starscape. Step by step I climbed, my feet steady, my eyes on the scattered specks of light. Each step fell thick and heavy as though on stone draped over with the deep, plush fabric of night and darkness and stillness. As I reached the final stair, the star before me stepped close as a woman, dark and brilliant with features that seemed to shift as she turned, as though I gazed into her eyes from across countless light years. She smiled, and lifted her hand to caress my cheek and temple.

Then all at once, her other hand was at my throat, grasping my jaw firmly. With one quick motion she wrenched my face away, palm hard against my forehead, and I felt my spine snap as my body crumpled beneath her hard, cold fingers.

My body tumbled as it fell from the sky, loose and undone. I felt almost relaxed, my body buffeted and slowed by the wind, as though some tension in me had snapped and let me drop. I fell like a limp dead thing, which is what I was, and when I hit the ocean's surface, it gave way with almost as little resistance as the air, opening its dark mouth in a crater-like wave that closed over me again as I sank down beneath the waters.

Down and down I sank, making no attempt to swim or even draw a breath. My body became as heavy and dark as the oceans themselves, and creatures glided past me in the dark glistening a wet gold, slipping in and out of sight almost like stars. It seemed to me that all this time, I could see the stars shining above me, above the surface of the water, though only dimly — so dim that perhaps it was no more than a memory. My body lay on the rough bottom of the sea for a long while, its limbs swayed only by the slow, sluggish motions of the currents. I do not remember making the decision to move again — and maybe it was only the ocean itself that gradually pushed and pulled and turned me towards the shore — but eventually I found myself on hands and knees, stumbling and crawling up the pebbled beach, waves dragging at me as I gasped and sought for a hold.

Exhausted, I could not go far, but sat just above the highest reach of the waves where they ran themselves out between the wet, rounded stones. I sat for a while, catching my breath as it returned and letting the ocean water drip from me until I found I was quite dry, though chilled beneath the night sky once more. Then down the beach came the white hound, old companion of this place, bounding with joyful greeting towards me. I flung my arms around her in an embrace and buried my face and hands in her warm, dog-scented fur. Life, with that warmth and panting breath and bounding joy, began to return to me and I felt happy and grateful to have found her again after so long an absence.

Yet, in the midst of our joyous reunion, she stopped — and a low growl began to build in her throat. At first, I thought she was growling at me, and a moment of panic at another betrayal swept through me. But then I realized she was looking past me, towards a figure that loomed up out of the dark some ways down the beach. I turned and ventured closer — the dark figure outlined against the sky seemed huge and thin, featureless as worn stone, and I soon realized it was not a person, but a statue: a thin, lank, faceless man standing on a dais, like an oscar carved from rock and weathered by the sea and wind. I turned to reassure the white hound by my side, who glanced up at me with a look of that showed a clear dislike for the figure — then the dog squatted and pissed on the dais and trotted off up the beach again as though her sentiments had been made clear. I followed her back to where we had been, and sat down once more on the pebbly shore, the dog curled up on my left while my hand ran over her long, white fur in gentle strokes.

Then there was the dark star goddess beside me again, sitting with her knees drawn up to her chest, feet bare against the wet rocks, the hem of her deep blue robes clinging with damp to the stone. I was not afraid, but comforted as she drew my head down to rest on her shoulder and she stroked my cheek again just as I stroked the dog's warm fur. Though she did not say a word to me, I came to understand the killing blow she'd dealt me was not a violence or punishment, but her gift to me: a change in perspective that sent me plummeting into the depths. Too many are striving towards the stars, climbing those steep ladders and struggling with all their might towards the heights to catch a glimpse of something marvelous.

She turned a little so that we could look one another in the eye. Sitting there on the beach, she was barely taller than I was, her face shifting in and out of shadow, her eyes shining, her hair seeming sometimes wet and dark as to be almost black in long, flowing locks, and sometimes like a liquid fire, deep amber and auburn, strands curling and licking along the pale, perfect skin of her face and shoulders like tongues of flame. Leaning forward, she pressed her little lips against my forehead in a lingering kiss. I felt the warmth of that kiss seep into the depths of me, blossoming and opening outwards from within. The sky above me seemed expansive and infinite in the darkness. The ocean spread like a black, rippling plain of reflected starlight so vast and great and deep that it stole all breath from my body. The stone and earth below me shuddered with solidity and power, hard and warm and heavy like a great weight on which I walked like some delicate, fragile thing. The three realms loomed in majesty, surrounding me in glory where I sat stunned in awe on the threshold, that liminal space where land and sea meet sky. I was so utterly small — and yet, a witness to this greatness, I held all this in the intimacy of my own body, concentrated and unfurling through the three realms, the elements of my being a microcosm of this larger world.

The goddess of starlight and transformation leaned away from me, a small, slight figure full of power and primordial energy churning in the dark. This is it, she seemed to say, this is what you are here for. To be the witness to the wild, overwhelming wonder of the world — to be small and simple beneath the sky, to drift light and buoyant upon the sea, to dance fragile and always half-rootless across the land. No other view is better than this one right here, no other view is meant for you. You cannot become big by strife and struggle. You can only participate in the vastness of creation, you can only join in relationship with the greatness of the world, by staying here to attend to your place in it with openness and gratitude. You are not in service to your self alone; you are in the service of greater things than you.

The kiss lingered still, flooding my senses with the slow opening of light and energy and song. I felt as though I were slipping into deeper trance... yet soon I found myself opening my eyes, the meditation over, the mundane room around me and the candle flickering in its holder, amber-rose in the bright sunlight thrown in slanted rays across the coffee table. Still, the energy flowed through me, and the vision remained.

Daily Diary

Sun: scorpio (water/fixed), 7:11am - 5:00pm
Moon: **waxing gibbous, taurus (earth/fixed)
Earth: bright morning with few scattered clouds

Thoughts: feeling better than yesterday, not so despondent or frustrated; thinking about group forum decision and also trying to prepare for the ritual; thinking about giving up Facebook for a while (at least for a week) and trying to reground, do some serious spiritual work instead, perhaps even do a semi-fast when we return from visiting my parents

Actions: go to bank today; go to grocery store to get "Thanksgiving dinner" for the kids for this weekend; try some Active Imagination meditation perhaps (incorporating DOTR lesson 2 sea/water meditation maybe); want to write something creative and/or something for the blog

Connections: feeling a bit washed out, but already not as distracted now that I'm trying to avoid Facebook; FB is such a huge drain - it puts you in touch with all the people who seem to be doing even a little bit better than you, yet prevents you from getting anything done yourself b/c you're constantly getting caught up in nonsense and debates; it's like watching the Nightly News, my mother always insists she needs to do it in order to stay informed, but it's worthless and doesn't help with anything but increase stress and mental noise while keeping you up late; so I think a Facebook fast is definitely a good idea

Daily Tarot Card: The Queen of Cups dances through the universe in touch with the currents of emotion, intuition and imagination, yet able to move through them with grace and composure. Sometimes seeming reserved, she is attuned to the depths of the ocean and the distant songs of starlight, and she navigates the mysteries gently, with sensitivity to her own emotional landscape as well as the feelings of those around her. (My note: During my meditation, I found my mind wandering over images of Brigid as a figure with dark, flowing hair, moving with the turning stars and rocking with the rhythm of the deep waters of the sea — in this deck, the Queen of Cups imagery strongly mirrors this symbolism and connects it to creativity and poetry.)

Daily Diary

Sun: scorpio (water/fixed), 7:10am - 5:00pm
Moon: **waxing gibbous, aries (fire/cardinal)
Earth: cold and rainy all day

Thoughts: just a pretty awful day full of feelings of bitterness, rejection, alienation and frustration; tensions in the Brigid group over leadership decisions, probably aggravated by me being too touchy about stuff I needn't have been touchy over, hopefully they've been resolved (after apologies on my part which I hope will be accepted); frustration over PNC editorial board meeting being scheduled during Thanksgiving week when I won't have computer access, and how absolutely no one responded to a post to the group earlier on issues of objectivity, authority, transparency, etc.; work went well and I enjoyed it, probably one of the few things today that didn't depress me; Facebook inanity and people never ceasing to post article after article about all the petty, stupid shit that's wrong with this country and this culture; then I find out that the sensationalized pat-downs=rape story was picked up and mentioned in Newsweek, which pretty much means my opinions about journalistic integrity mean nothing whatsoever, since I clearly don't know what I'm talking about and sex does sell and violence is cool and I'm inclined to agree with that Tool song about how we're all a bunch of voyeuristic vampires... but I can't do it anymore, so I'm thinking of getting the hell off of Facebook once and for all, and possibly putting the blog on hiatus for several months at least until I can get some perspective, find some direction or at least not feel so absolutely shitty about how little my work means

Actions: did a couple hours of work; managed to set up preferences with the software so it's working pretty well now; got Cu some cat food and cooed at the kittens up for adoption from the shelter for a while; watched some old episodes of Buffy with Jeff; the amulet I ordered to consecrate to Brigid on Sunday night's full moon ritual arrived and is even more beautiful than the pictures

Connections: my life is good and my work is meaningful... so why do I feel like such worthless, unwanted shit? maybe I just wish the world were different; but I sure as hell know that being on Facebook isn't going to change that; what will change that is me spending the time necessary to understand who I am and what my soul work is, and then doing that with as much love and courage as I can... and letting myself have bad days sometimes, I guess

Daily Tarot Card: The Wheel of Fortune (X) turns and all things are connected, interwoven and ever-changing, the ring that makes the happy one weep and the grief-stricken attempt a smile: this too shall pass. Stories move through the world with no beginning and no end, only destiny and fate in an intimate, strange and simple dance with individual choice and will. These patterns which repeat arise from our own habits of thought and being. If we are unhappy with them, we have the opportunity to change as the cycle shifts and we begin anew. But to make such change, to participate joyfully in the spiraling dance, we must sometimes pause, step back, and seek perspective.

Daily Diary

Sun: scorpio (water/fixed), 7:08am - 5:01pm
Moon: *waxing gibbous, aries (fire/cardinal)
Earth: blustery and gray, the wind has been howling for the past few hours and dawn came slow and dim, barely noticeable as the sun rose into clouds

Thoughts: awoke at least an hour before the 6am alarm, feeling anxious and turning over politics in my mind, the phrase "losing the war" kept coming up, listing all the ways people are so easily distracted by the small things without ever noticing or turning their attention to the underlying patterns of violence, and yet life is also very beautiful and full of joy; thinking about a post for P+P on receptivity and "passive-ism" as aspects of pacifism in a positive way; the myth of men at the mercy of sexual impulse as part of systemic patriarchy; the idea that humans are inherently violent another aspect of this, maintained despite all the evidence of the lengths we'll go not to have to do violence to others; thinking about the Brigid ritual coming up and decorating the altar area; very much looking forward to that work, I still find myself very excited by it; thinking about Savanah's next lesson and trying to plan ahead a bit; wondering what my next assignment for work will be and when it will come, wondering how much money will come in from this job; feeling guilty over still not finishing the article about nonprofit tax status, work on that sometime this week probably; just this feeling of anxiety in my chest, and frustration, but also excitement and happiness and energy, all of it stirred up by the wind

Actions: today is another "wedding wednesday," which means writing to the officiant to see if he's available and willing to do our ceremony (and the approximate cost); perhaps today would also be a good day to experiment with the glass paint as part of the whole "wedding favors" idea, so that I'll have something to bring home and show the parents when we visit for thanksgiving; other than that, going for a walk in the woods; finishing the final draft of the Lady of the Stars full moon ritual and posting it to the group; possibly write up a post for either P+P or Meadowsweet (for my blog, some thoughts on the different types of meditation, or something like that, though I feel as though I haven't done a substantive post in a while)

Connections: this kind of free-floating anxiety happens sometimes, and I think the best solution is to just plunge into work and get some things accomplished, but not give the anxiety too much leeway, don't follow it where it wants to go — at least not too much, except perhaps in writing; I honestly think part of it is the wind riling me up this morning in the pre-dawn dark

Daily Tarot Card: The Six of Wands is a card of victory and accomplishment, triumph over obstacles and success in the eyes of others. However, such success may provoke rivals and challengers, and so though hard work has produced fruits already, this is also a card of movement, continuing to strive and seek out new challenges and new ways of continuing to grow. This card can be a warning against lassitude and "resting on your laurels," but it also signifies positive change in the future as a result of continued effort.

DOTR Lesson 2: Earth

Photographs from Frick Park woods and nature preserve, Pittsburgh, PA

DOTR Lesson 2: Earth

Do not be selfish with your life.
Do not waste your days
inventing ways to change the world
to suit your small ideas.
Do this:
Go out under the open, cloudless sky
and listen to the silence of autumn.
Sit on the rock where once someone carved
a serpent and a star, worn now
by the rain and half-covered
with fallen leaves.
In the sun, your skin is hot
with the pulse of your blood.
In the shade, your skin is cool
with the tides of your breath.
And you are made of this,
flux and form, shifting
in the sunlight of the silent afternoon.
Do this:
Sit on the rock and watch
as the low sun moves
without moving
between the dark
columns of the trees.
Let the fly alight
on your upturned hand
and nuzzle your thumb
where it shimmers, the ridges
of your fingerprints rippling
under its furry, iridescent paws.
An eye studded with diamonds.
Wings translucent, opalescent,
like the cells of your body
woven through with black veins.
There is nothing that moves
in this world but this fly,
who comes and goes despite
the nearness of winter
and thinks nothing
but that the flesh of your body
is soft and sweet-smelling
and sturdy enough, and good.
Do this one thing:
do not be selfish with your life.
Do not imagine that this moment
is somehow less than the dreams
you carry with you, or the silence
into which the fly eventually
wanders, unafraid.
The sun slips behind another tree.
Look up and see, illuminated in
webs of twigs and tree limbs
against the shadowed hills beyond,
the same iridescent pattern
of the fly's wing
in the forest.
Bright twining world,
you do not owe us anything
but this.

Daily Diary

Sun: scorpio (water/fixed), 7:07am - 5:02pm
Moon: *waxing gibbous, pisces (water/mutable), void-of-course
Earth: gray, drizzling all day, chilly and misty, the rain has brought down almost all the leaves from the trees over the past couple days

Thoughts: thinking about my new job with a mix of enthusiasm and anxiety, wanting to do well and be good enough, wanting to exceed my own current competency levels and get better; planning ahead about next week's busy schedule; thinking about how best to arrange the bedroom furniture, what needs to be cleaned and prepared for when my dad comes; thinking about the white kids suicides being featured so much on the news lately, as if this type of things hasn't been going on for years; thinking about how idiotic politicians are when it comes to short term memory (having watched last night's episode of The Daily Show over lunch with Jeff); thinking about the PNC and hoping it doesn't get sucked up into "politics as government" and partisanship and all that

Actions: work this morning, finished up the transcriptions, now waiting to hear about my next assignment/project; work on ritual some, perhaps, writing up a final draft; cleaning; trip to Michaels (seriously, this time); post to Meadowsweet

Connections: general interest and concern about the new job, which is totally natural of course; not very many "distracting" thoughts; I'd much rather be thinking about plans and productive things than worrying over silly stress, etc.

Daily Tarot Card: The Knight of Wands rushes into action, impetuous and energetic and ready for adventure, whatever lies ahead. Heroic, clever and courageous, he can also spark rivalry and instigate conflict through his arrogance or rashness, for he lacks the maturity and self-restraint at times to check his energy and passion out of respect for those around him. He is a figure of action and strength which can sometimes be overwhelming or overbearing.

A Reading of Day and Night

"Bright Brigid of the Day, of the Sun and Flame and turning golden cross,
Dark Brigid of the Night, of the Stars, Deep Waters and Forge Fire,
Blessed Brigid of the Threshold, of the space-between, relationship and connection,
what wisdom do you have to share with me for the benefit of this group?"

Day: The Hanged Man (XII) — A card of new perspective, surrender and self-sacrifice. A subtle shift in the light reveals new visions of the world both within and without. A card of introspection, confronting the sun-and-shadow alike in our lives, giving ourselves willingly to our griefs and sorrows, finding in the shadow the dark heart of the flame - and through this sacrifice of our old worldview, a new life begins, a new dawn, a new day.

Night: The Moon (XVIII) — A card of dream and mystery in the moonlight, the deep waters of the unconscious welling up from within, drawn by the tides of the moon and the night sky. Strong emotions erupt unexpectedly in response to that inner gravity, and we find ourselves face to face with both senseless fears and tantalizing desires, confused by projections and enticed by half-glimpsed shadows that may lead us more deeply into an engagement with the dark mysteries of the unknown.

Threshold: Four of Cups — A card of warning against settling too deeply into self-absorption and introspection, becoming entrenched in emotional patterns of imaginary worries or boredom. A great opportunity for growth and engagement presents itself, possibilities for connection and exploration are offered as gifts for the taking, if we are open enough to receive them. We pause on the threshold, for the price of connection is receptivity and a willingness to reevaluate our lives. Are we ready to accept the gifts being offered to us?

Daily Diary

Sun: scorpio (water/fixed), 7:06am - 5:03pm
Moon: waxing gibbous, pisces (water/mutable)
Earth: dense fog this morning, burning off in mid-morning sun, cooler than last week with some scattered clouds

Thoughts: woke up around 2am feeling intensely dizzy, possibly from combined lack of food and intense spiritual work of the past week or so; feeling a bit better now though not 100%; concerned about Jeff's cold, going on more than a week now with lots of coughing and sniffling; Emily is in rare form this morning with some ridiculous emails to Jeff complaining about various things the kids reported to her about their stay with us this weekend (everything from the kind of tea we gave them, to the fact that Josh ate pepperoni which might have had corn in it, which he might be allergic to, even though he's showing no symptoms whatsoever and he's never been to a doctor for this supposed allergy, and even though Jeff and I are both vegetarians and would prefer that the kids not eat meat anyway, but Emily insists that being vegetarian is unhealthy...); it bothers me that she feels comfortable inventing allergies and other illnesses for the kids, but refuses to have them confirmed by a doctor, and on the times when she does take them to the doctor, she refuses to take any financial responsibility whatsoever — if you were a responsible parent and you thought your child might be sick or allergic, wouldn't you want to have a doctor check it out? and if you're going to spend money on expensive toys for yourself and your new husband (like the most expensive kind of internet, the most expensive kinds of clothing, hiring a housekeeper even though you're a stay-at-home mom, etc.), wouldn't you first want to think about putting money towards the kids you already have and taking care of their current needs as well as providing them with some sort of cushion for the future..... sometimes it is so difficult not to intensely dislike this woman, it really does seem like she invents reasons for her to be controlling of other people's lives (if Josh has a rare allergy to a really common food, all the more need for her to exercise strict control over his diet and interfere with everyone he comes into contact with who might give him food) — which is all the more obvious considering he's had pepperoni pizza several times with us and she has never noticed him exhibiting any symptoms; and on top of that, we hear stories from the kids about Jerilynn getting into the habit of lying to Emily and Jeremy (after we expressed concerned that singling her out for disproportionate punishment for, of all things, getting sick would just make her more prone to lie or hide problems from Emily and Jeremy in the future), Josh getting repeatedly banged in the face while rough-housing with Jeremy, Fiona announcing that the only time they ever get to go to the park is when "mommy is upset and she sends us out of the house," and Emily is worried about corn that may or may not even be a problem for a kid who isn't even showing symptoms!? Jesus.

Actions: skipped yoga this morning because of dizziness; starting the new job today (setting up network access and software, primarily); possibly making a trip out to the craft store to get ritual supplies (a candle, and glitter); otherwise, I guess just bracing for the firestorm of Emily's irrational rage... sigh

Connections: there are no goddamned connections between what I really do need to get done today, and the unnecessary stress and worry that Emily brings to this family with her immaturity, irresponsibility and disproportionate accusations; I really do not like this woman; on the other hand, Jeff just read a study following up on the "parents are junkies" article that said happiness in married couples peaks at the wedding, remains about the same until it drops with each subsequent child, and then doesn't return to its original highest level until all the children have grown up and left home... which means, since we're marrying right in the middle of raising four young kids (and we're pretty damn happy anyway), our happiness as a couple is quite literally only going to go up as the kids get older.... and that's not even taking into consideration how we'll never have to deal with Emily's inanity and insanity again after the kids are over eighteen... so, Jeff and Ali FTW.

Daily Tarot Card: The Four of Cups illustrates a state of self-absoprtion and introspection that can express itself as a withdrawal from the world, a refusal to engage or accept the gifts being offered but instead settling down into emotional patterns, especially patterns centered around imaginary worries or unjustified grudges. It is a card of stagnation that results from getting too caught up in day-dreams about how things "ought" to be. (My note: So, yes, I get the point. An appropriate warning card... but so hard to take heed and put into practice. The best step at this point is probably just to get to work.)

Savanah's Year: Calas of Earth, Week 1

Just finished this week's lesson with Savanah, which went very well despite her having a pretty icky head cold.

To begin, we went over her "homework" from the previous week, matching up different associations and words for the four classical elements of Earth, Air, Fire and Water and the three Druidic "elements" or aspects of Calas, Gwyar and Nwyfre. Surprisingly, she did better on the three aspects than on the four elements, although I think most people assume the four elements are more widely-known and more natural for people. We spent a lot of time talking about what mistakes she made with the associations with the four elements and what her reasoning was. Sometimes her thoughts were very sound (matching "east" with water and "west" with air because, where we live, the ocean is towards the east and our winds and weather come from the west), and other times they made less sense (matching "salmon" with air instead of water). She's already doing some really excellent work, though, in thinking things through and understanding how to make the associations and connections, though. For instance, her reasoning for putting salmon with air was because she knew air and "intellect" matched up and she remembered the Celtic tale of the Salmon of Wisdom, so she connected the salmon with intelligence. This gave us the opportunity to talk about "wisdom" and "intelligence" and ways in which they might be different; we discussed how a "wisdom of the heart" understands and appreciates the connections and relationships between things, and how patterns of relationship flow into one another. Not all wisdom is the impersonal calculations and measuring of the intellect, but each has their place.

So in general, that exercise went very well and opened up a lot of opportunities for discussion, which was fantastic. I think Savanah is really into the work so far and has a lot to say about her own thought processes, and her own worries. We moved on to this week's work, which was Week 1 of "Calas of Earth," in which we began by talking about the basic foundation of our spirituality as rooted in the sacred earth and a reverence for the five senses and the physical world around us. The nature of calas as "form" which gives rise to relationship, and thus to boundaries and limits and the importance of negotiating these with honor and love, brought up her anxieties about not knowing what "her calas" was yet, and so worrying that she might not know how to engage with others'. That's fantastic! I mean, of course she doesn't know all of her talents, gifts and limitations yet, but this year is in part about finding out what those are, and learning what our relationships with others and with the natural world can teach us about our own "calas," our own form in this world.

Her "assignment" for this coming week is to spend some time thinking about, talking to and listening to her (rather extensive) plant collection, and to journal about her relationship with the creatures, plants and people in her life. She also has two questions to answer: what kinds of things can interfere with our ability to appreciate the natural world, and what kinds of limits do we as human beings experience when trying to live honorably and in harmony with the natural world? I'm really looking forward to next week's lesson and hearing some of her thoughts on these topics.

Daily Diary

Sun: scorpio (water/fixed), 7:05am - 5:04pm
Moon: waxing gibbous, pisces (water/mutable)
Earth: overcast, steady 50s, slight chance of rain today (towards the end of my meditation, the rain started)

Thoughts: for the second night in a row, woke up around 3am feeling very wound up, full of energy and excitement and happiness (not exactly sure what this is due to, but I suspect it has to do with the meditative work I've been doing and the work with Brigid, Lady of the Forge Fire, Maker of the Stars); this morning, worrying about why Jerilynn has gotten into the habit of lying, worrying why Josh continues to be obnoxious and rough and obstinate; not sure how to handle dealing with Emily and her extreme blindness to her own self-indulgence (this is a woman we know tends to lie to herself and exaggerate the facts in order to get her own way and avoid confronting difficult or unpleasant tasks — yet according to the kids who overheard her talking with Jeremy, they're convinced Jerilynn isn't getting her bad habit of lying from them... seriously? seriously?); I know these kids are good kids, so part of me wants to just concentrate on setting a good example and reinforcing to them the importance of honesty and integrity.... and hope it turns out all right; really, I should write a "memoirs of an evil step-mother" book

Actions: yoga this morning, followed by meditation; possibility of going to Phipps, but I'm inclined to bow out this Sunday and hang around the house; if Savanah is feeling too sick to go to Phipps, that way the others can still go and she and I can stay home and chill; a nice, quiet, gray day to read, I think, and maybe do some meditation work for the upcoming Brigid full moon ritual (or catch up on DOTR stuff, writing up about my Lesson 2: Earth work); not sure if Savanah will be up for a lesson this week or not, we'll see

Connections: just a lot of worrying about things that I don't feel I have much control over, honestly; as usual, feeling like Emily is just another child we're expected to look out for and compensate for... but I already know this attitude is not a healthy one, so I'm trying to keep my focus on the kids and engaging with them with authenticity and love, that will make the most difference (Savanah did tell me that after my comment last weekend, she noticed the kids talking about how awesome it is at our house and she realized that it might bother her mom, so it's really good to see her already growing in awareness of how her behavior potentially affects others)

Daily Tarot Card: The Five of Swords warns against an arrogant and isolationist attitude which seeks out conflict in order to defeat others and promote one's own agenda. Yet, every conflict has both the victor and the defeated, and the dejection of the defeated can devolve into insecurity and stubborn regression to earlier forms of stability and security that may no longer be appropriate or healthy. The number five is a number of connection, and even this negative relationship between arrogant victor and dejected loser is a relationship that affects both, binding them together.

(My note: This card echoes the warning in my own heart not to let my arrogance towards Emily lead to an unhealthy relationship simply because I would prefer to seek out conflict and so "prove myself." In some ways, I might be both defeated and victor here — where does my own insecurity and need to "win" come from, if not from her past disrespectful treatment of me? Yet to continue to seek out strife only guarantees future conflict and increased insecurity and stubbornness on both our parts. I am in a position of strength here, I can afford to show compassion and patience, instead of annoyance and disdain. I need to work on this. It's not enough to be able to restrain my words when the kids are around; I need to feel in my heart a compassion and understanding for her so that my words will remain both kind and sincere. I need to seek the integrity of compassion and an acknowledgement that my actions will have repercussions not just for the kids, but for Emily, too.)

Daily Diary

Sun: scorpio (water/fixed), 7:04 am - 5:04 pm
Moon: first quarter, waxing, aquarius (air/fixed)
Earth: warm, beautiful day, though not as warm or clear as yesterday

Thoughts: worried about the kids being sick and spreading germs, trying to combat that with tea and cough drops and lots of fluids and rest; poetry as a political act; objectivity and authority in journalism; bias and fear-mongering, alternative politics; general exhaustion and frustration with "politics as usual" and a longing to turn inward towards poetry, art and creative exploration again — but feeling the tension between this and obligations to P+P and the PNC; on than this, though, a sense of peace and well-being, gratitude for how things are in my life right now, feeling settled and stable and enthusiastic about the future, ready to handle what complications might arise; very into Brigid at the moment and really excited about the ritual coming up for the full moon; also, wanting to move more quickly through the DOTR lessons than I have been, though also don't want to rush things

Actions: spent this morning "at work" working on various writing, going back through old half-completed essays, etc.; wrote the post about poetry and peace for P+P, and I'm feeling pretty satisfied with how that turned out; swung by the grocery store on the way home to pick up supplies (like cough drops, etc.); not much planned for this evening other than dinner; perhaps I may spend some time reading Miranda Green's book on Celtic goddesses, in particular her chapter devoted entirely to Brigid

Connections: mundane life with the kids seems, in some ways, rather boring, especially when they're fighting colds and generally moping around; I'm sure this isn't something adults are supposed to say, but the "wow amazing insightful things" kids sometimes say is vastly outweighed by the many, many inane or unintelligent things they say and do; don't get me wrong, I love the kids and they're awesome — but they're still just kids, and I find myself feeling sometimes like I'm just "killing time" with them, indulging them as they explore and learn (which is excellent), or play the same dull board games over and over (which is... not so excellent); perhaps I should find a better way to stay engaged, perhaps this is a character flaw.... or maybe I'm being too hard on myself considering they're not my kids and I don't have hardly any control over how they're encouraged (or not) to develop creatively and intellectually when they're at their mom's

Daily Tarot Card: The Devil (XV) is a card of entrapment and addiction, as well as base instincts of self-preservation and ego-promotion. Despair and frustration can close in, dominating our experience and blinding us to opportunities for freedom and alternatives to sorrow or capitulation. At the same time, the instincts of self-preservation that can lead someone to be selfish and inconsiderate of others can sometimes be the very things that save and protect us during extremely difficult times. The Devil challenges us to confront our shadow selves, to face the less attractive aspects of who we are and honestly evaluate our drives and desires.

(My note: I'm unsure what this card might be suggesting, which is unusual for this deck. On the one hand, it may be suggesting — when it comes to the kids — either that I am being too selfish and need to look around at the positive aspects of loving relationship with them, or that my instincts of "self-preservation" are serving me adequately (if not ideally) during a time of difficult transition and integration and my ambivalence about being step-mom to four children is understandable, as long as I am willing to confront that ambivalence honestly and respond with love and compassion both for myself and for others. On the other hand, perhaps this is a card about my "career" obligations at this point as a writer, and the frustration and fatigue I am feeling when it comes to my political writing. In this deck, the devil is portrayed as a weaver of webs, ensnaring the heart and taunting the soul with a limiting and mocking view of the world — one that could very well characterize some of the "trolls" I find myself sometimes dealing with online. Perhaps this card is a reminder about those things which I have always appreciated as the "key" to my freedom and spiritual growth: poetry, art, music and gratitude. It's strange, though, the draw this card on a day when, despite these minor frustrations, I am feeling very good in general. Nothing in my life seems so dire as to warrant The Devil, but perhaps I should keep an eye on things nonetheless.)