Daily Diary

Sun: scorpio (water/fixed), 7:05am - 5:04pm
Moon: waxing gibbous, pisces (water/mutable)
Earth: overcast, steady 50s, slight chance of rain today (towards the end of my meditation, the rain started)

Thoughts: for the second night in a row, woke up around 3am feeling very wound up, full of energy and excitement and happiness (not exactly sure what this is due to, but I suspect it has to do with the meditative work I've been doing and the work with Brigid, Lady of the Forge Fire, Maker of the Stars); this morning, worrying about why Jerilynn has gotten into the habit of lying, worrying why Josh continues to be obnoxious and rough and obstinate; not sure how to handle dealing with Emily and her extreme blindness to her own self-indulgence (this is a woman we know tends to lie to herself and exaggerate the facts in order to get her own way and avoid confronting difficult or unpleasant tasks — yet according to the kids who overheard her talking with Jeremy, they're convinced Jerilynn isn't getting her bad habit of lying from them... seriously? seriously?); I know these kids are good kids, so part of me wants to just concentrate on setting a good example and reinforcing to them the importance of honesty and integrity.... and hope it turns out all right; really, I should write a "memoirs of an evil step-mother" book

Actions: yoga this morning, followed by meditation; possibility of going to Phipps, but I'm inclined to bow out this Sunday and hang around the house; if Savanah is feeling too sick to go to Phipps, that way the others can still go and she and I can stay home and chill; a nice, quiet, gray day to read, I think, and maybe do some meditation work for the upcoming Brigid full moon ritual (or catch up on DOTR stuff, writing up about my Lesson 2: Earth work); not sure if Savanah will be up for a lesson this week or not, we'll see

Connections: just a lot of worrying about things that I don't feel I have much control over, honestly; as usual, feeling like Emily is just another child we're expected to look out for and compensate for... but I already know this attitude is not a healthy one, so I'm trying to keep my focus on the kids and engaging with them with authenticity and love, that will make the most difference (Savanah did tell me that after my comment last weekend, she noticed the kids talking about how awesome it is at our house and she realized that it might bother her mom, so it's really good to see her already growing in awareness of how her behavior potentially affects others)

Daily Tarot Card: The Five of Swords warns against an arrogant and isolationist attitude which seeks out conflict in order to defeat others and promote one's own agenda. Yet, every conflict has both the victor and the defeated, and the dejection of the defeated can devolve into insecurity and stubborn regression to earlier forms of stability and security that may no longer be appropriate or healthy. The number five is a number of connection, and even this negative relationship between arrogant victor and dejected loser is a relationship that affects both, binding them together.

(My note: This card echoes the warning in my own heart not to let my arrogance towards Emily lead to an unhealthy relationship simply because I would prefer to seek out conflict and so "prove myself." In some ways, I might be both defeated and victor here — where does my own insecurity and need to "win" come from, if not from her past disrespectful treatment of me? Yet to continue to seek out strife only guarantees future conflict and increased insecurity and stubbornness on both our parts. I am in a position of strength here, I can afford to show compassion and patience, instead of annoyance and disdain. I need to work on this. It's not enough to be able to restrain my words when the kids are around; I need to feel in my heart a compassion and understanding for her so that my words will remain both kind and sincere. I need to seek the integrity of compassion and an acknowledgement that my actions will have repercussions not just for the kids, but for Emily, too.)