Diary

Sun: taurus (earth/fixed), 6:28 am - 8:09pm
Moon: last quarter, aquarius (air/fixed)
Earth: bright and sunny for most of the day, warm (in the high 70s) for the first time this spring, with thunderstorms moving in as dusk fell with a soft rain

"Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of a boss who's always trying to teach people things. Sometimes, you just have to be the Boss of Dancing."

- Michael Scott

Before I begin, I just want to make one quick note: I'm using Dragon dictation to write this diary entry. This is a software program I've begun using for work, and I figured I'd use it to write this diary entry to kill two birds with one stone. But using dictation software is very different from typing, so I'm not sure how it will go. sentences may seem awkward at first, especially since I can't correct or change my mind halfway through. Once I begin a sentence, I have to commit to finishing it. So if my sentences seem awkward, please forgive me, and hopefully I'll improve as I use the software more.

This morning I spent some time in meditation out in the backyard, as it was such a beautiful day, bright and sunny right from the start, and it's been a long time since I've spent any time in meditation on a regular basis. I realized that I reached a point where I was hesitant to meditate because I was afraid I would be out of practice. But remembering that there are external forms to ritual that I can rely on and that can help me ease back in to the more in-depth practice that I'm seeking, I decided to go ahead and jump back into regular practice. It held that the weather was so gorgeous, because it gave me an excuse to go outside and just sit and allow myself to relax and return to my breathing. my other intention was to try to reconnect with the earth and the land in this immediate area, especially because of the hydrocracking spill that occurred last week up in northern Pennsylvania. I've been wanting to write an article about it for the new blog, No Unsacred Place, but haven't known how to approach the topic in any coherent way. I strive for certain amount of poetic oppression, and that deep connection to the earth that can help me find the right words to express the importance of this issue. I am not exactly a news person or a fat person, I don't have very much confidence in listing all the evidence. I feel like my most moving pieces , my best kind of writing, is when I am able to draw from my personal experience—and yet, this is not something that I and experiencing personally. The world around me seems beautiful and healthy, and my only knowledge about this disaster comes from things I've read in the news or seen online. So I wanted to try to connect to the earth and reach out to the land to listen to what the land has say about the experience of this pollution and this tragedy. But I'm out of practice, and even if I weren't, I don't know if I would be able to listen like that to the land. I have had only fleeting experiences of the kind of connection that I've heard of in books, the tales of shamans from indigenous cultures and healers and even other pagans. Salons struggling to balance this lack of knowledge and lack of personal experience with my fear that I can't connect to the land in the way that I need to, that I won't be able to talk meaningfully about some of these very serious problems that deserve to be addressed.

This is tangentially related to some feelings I was having later this evening, that I think might be related to my Saturn return, and Jeff agrees with me with on that—he says that he read something this morning about how today would be a day of either great confidence or great self-doubt for most people all over the world. The stellium that was going on in Aries is finally coming to an end as most of the planets leave one by one, and Mercury has finally gone direct again. that might be one reason why I haven't been updating in this diary very much recently, there's been so much energy and intensity, and I focused it mostly on work and getting things done. In that way, I've been pretty successful. I've managed to launch my new website can, which looks fantastic, and get No Unsacred Place off the ground running, with lots of good posts from a number of different people. I'm doing well with my transcription work, and I have a plan for the next several months about various writing projects I want to undertake. But today, I found myself really bothered by a conversation on Facebook. I made the mistake of sharing a controversial article about the connection between autism and vaccinations that set—well, I was going to say a number of people, but that's just not true, it's really only one person whose opinion I value a great deal—in any case, I obviously have a problem being made of cool love in public. (So that sentence actually read, “being made a fool of”—but the mistaken transcription made me smile, so I'm going to leave it.)

The thing is, I don't know about the science behind vaccinations. I don't have time to know everything. But I do have personal experience of modern medicine, and how people are treated sometimes very poorly if they are viewed as lower class, or incompetent, or sometimes just female. Because I didn't have insurance the last time I went to the doctor, I was treated as though I were a know-nothing who couldn't be trusted to tie my own shoes, let alone keep myself healthy. A doctor told me in all seriousness that if my injured arm continued to hurt, that I should just take Vicodin to make the pain go away. The time before, when I was in a great deal of pain because of a urinary tract infection, the antibiotics they prescribed made me vomit so often I almost died of dehydration, and would have if just haven't been there to force me to drink Gatorade when I could barely sit up in bed. But when I returned to the doctor later, he told me that it must have been in my head because you can't be allergic to antibiotics. He proceeded to blame my anemia on being a vegetarian, even though I was diagnosed with and had suffered symptoms for years before becoming a vegetarian, and was able to mitigate my anemia once I gave up meat. To be treated with such disrespect is not an uncommon experience for a lot of people when they go to doctors and hospitals today, especially if they have a misunderstood disease or don't have the insurance to cover the treatment they might need. So I'm not surprised that parents are worried about what will happen to their children as a result of all of the vaccinations and drugs that are so blithely prescribed by doctors who sometimes don't really seem to care what your opinion is or whether or not you know what's going on or what's going into your body.

But none of that really matters. Parents who believed that there might be a connection between infant and childhood vaccinations and the increase in autism and other problematic diseases have been classified as nut cases, and anyone who states an argument even remotely agreeing with their perspective is dismissed. It bothers me that I don't know the science to back up the personal experience that I have had and I know others have had. It bothers me that debates cannot be nuanced or subtle, and that even people who I respect are very easier to demonize and to listen to spook stories and deride those who don't agree with them or don't know as much of them, rather than trying to be compassionate or educate them. And it really bothers me when a person uses the excuse of “being a parent of young children.” As if people who disagree with them couldn't possibly have families of their own or couldn't possibly be responsible parents themselves.

I think what bothers me most is the feeling that I can never know enough to be respected. I don't know if it's sexism or ageism or something else, or just in my head. But it often feels as though no matter how hard I study, no matter how eloquently I write, no matter how my ideas are born out by events and experiences, that I am rarely taken seriously, or if I am, it's treated as a one time thing, almost a miracle, unexpected at the very least. I feel resentful and bitter towards leaders in the pagan community to act as gatekeepers and whose recommendations are seen as the final word about what to value and who to listen to. I work my ass off. But often times, I feel as though I have no idea what will be viewed as valuable an intelligent by others, and what will be seen as arrogant, or confusing, or obscure, or just plain dull. I want to do work that is valuable and important, and work that stems from my personal experience and my view of the world, and yet sometimes it seems that it is precisely that kind of work, work that relies on and is rooted in personal experience instead of objective facts or the consensus of the majority, that is derided or dismissed.

Who is my authority? This is the question that Saturn prompts me to ask this coming year. Maybe the lesson is that I shouldn't try to talk about things that I haven't personally experienced. Yet that just doesn't seem right, not when so many things around me deserve to be talked about and need to be brought to people's attention. What about this spill up in northern Pennsylvania, that hardly anyone is paying attention to? I don't know. Maybe this is my fear of being irrelevant, and I should overcome it and trust that the experiences that I have are truly valuable. Maybe this is just the old fear that I live a protected and cushy life, and I have nothing to say of value unless I'm talking about tragedies that are going on elsewhere, over there, to those other people. Or maybe this is just all nonsense. I'm tired of having these debates. I'm tired of always having to justify myself and prove myself. I don't even know if I'm trying to prove myself to other people, or to myself, or some combination of the two. And I can't help but think that a lot of people must be feeling this right now. I know that I'm an intelligent person, and I have a good education that has continued to expand on my own time and with my own resources. What about those people who don't have those opportunities? Again, I can't help but feel like we need to have more compassion for people who might hold theories that seem crazy or kooky or wrong. But when I tried to say this, especially in the context where I shared something that turned out to be incorrect, it's so easy to accuse me of just trying to change the conversation and avoid acknowledging that I was wrong. (And of course, I don't even know that I am wrong, all I have is the word of other people who disagree with me for their own reasons.)

The incense wafts in the air. The candle burns steady. These things I experienced right now, as they are. I am not crazy for thinking that these things are meaningful, that they change the world and they change me through my willingness to experience them. How do I translate this into work that is meaningful for other people? Is this kind of frustration a good thing, something that I should embrace and acknowledge as a necessary reminder, a stick that will urge me on? Or is it something that I should leave behind? I used to always face into my fears, chasing them down in the belief that they would leave me to a deeper truth. Is this that kind of fear, or the kind that should be shrugged off and forgotten as silly? Maybe I should embrace the idea that I will be viewed as a ditz or a fool or, gods forbid, just a woman. May be there is a kind of freedom in that. I don't know. I could go around in circles all night with this question. I don't even know why it bothers me so much, but it's been on my mind all night.

I think, regardless of anything else, that I do need to return to my practice of centering and grounding, and renew my commitment to regular prayer and meditation. Even if it doesn't bring me any clarity on these types of issues, at least perhaps it'll get my mind to shut up for a little while and stop worrying over things that might not be all that important in the grand scheme. In any case, it's getting rather late, and I think I should end this.

I apologize for any strange wordings or typos. I've tried to catch most of them, but I'm still getting used to using this dictation software. Just being able to talk it out in a clear, articulate voice has actually helped me feel better about some of these issues. So maybe this will become a regular practice of mine. Or maybe not.

Diary Tarot Card

As I dealt out the cards, my mind wandering, a thought occurred to me: that when we worry too much about being perfect in our writing and our words, we assume a certain passivity in our readers and the community who receives the products of our creativity. Maybe there is a place, instead, for trust—trust that, even if our words are not perfect or our work salvific, that they will be received in such a way that they will have the right effect anyway. I think of Merton and detractors who talk about his ideas as dangerous and self-absorbed, and yet so many people have been drawn to contemplation and mysticism through his writing. Even if he was a self-absorbed sex-maniac (as some folks tell it), his writings still have a blessing effect on many. Maybe that's the best we can hope for.


© Stephanie Pui-Mun Law, The Shadowscape Tarot

The Knight of Cups follows his dreams, the idealist and romantic who listens deeply to the stirrings of connection and emotion at the heart of things and follows the promptings of his intuition. He is almost reckless in his pursuit of those ideals, sure that his faithfulness and honest devotion will bear him to those dreams he seeks.

The King of Swords sits poised, a portrait in stilled movement, a thinker gazing abstractly over his realm. He is balance and reason, the weighing of night and day, art and science brought to bear on one another. Clarity of vision and depth of insight, thought and memory, are his guides. He does not go out seeking on a quest, but sends his thoughts flying to the farthest realms while he remains, a pillar of strength and intelligence.

Meanwhile, in the Six of Cups is a reminder of childhood innocence and open-mindedness, an embrace of all the possibilities the world holds. It is a card of simple joys and pleasures, and an imaginative engagement with the world that prompts a response in kind. The little girl sets her table and pours her tea, never minding that grown-ups might not believe or might claim she's only imagining—and sure enough, the faeries slip in to share her simple, playful ritual with her, welcomed guests for once not shuffled off with skepticism and disbelief.

The cards in this spread present a clear movement from right to left, as each figure seems to move into the next. The Knight of Cups, with his idealism and romanticism, might represent the initial urge at the beginning of the journey, the spark that sets the whole thing rolling. Perhaps in this case, it represents the higher pull of justice and peace that I feel, that drives me towards… the King of Swords, that desire to see clearly across the whole realm, to become, through knowledge and clarity of insight, a ruler even over life and death, day and night. In the King of Swords card, the movement of the Knight is stilled and restrained, reigned in to be refined and directed wisely, without undue haste or recklessness. In this spread, it's almost as though the stillness in the King of Swords makes space for the innocence and play in the Six of Cups—while at the same time, the Sword card is the fulcrum on which everything turns, so that if the call of idealism is the urge that begins the journey, the exercise of careful thought and clarity of insight is the way the journey is made, even in the midst of seeming stillness. And what both of these lead towards is that expression of innocence and imagination—that is what, in the end, has the power to change the world, evoking engagement and relationship. Piercing intelligence is stilled and respectfully restrained in the presence of creativity. Again, there is that message of the stilled sword—the sword held up to cast light, rather than to strike a killing blow. Again and again, this symbolism comes up. Something to ponder for the future.

Diary

Days of Note: New Wind Tossed Moon

Sun: pisces (water/mutable), 6:51am - 6:13pm
Moon: new moon, pisces (water/mutable)
Earth: cold and bright, down into the teens this morning, but climbing into the 30s later in the day

Yesterday was a "Wedding Wednesday" day of planning and preparing for our next "Beer & Budget" meeting with my parents next week. Had a moment of panic in looking at the amount of work still to be done, not so much because I'm afraid I won't be able to do it all, but because there's so much to do I'm afraid I'll miss something, and the sheer amount is hard to organize into an attack plan for the next six months. After talking it over some with Jeff and making some lists over dinner (a belated Valentine's Day dinner out at the Melting Pot), I felt a little more able to approach the task of drawing up a detailed plan for the next three months and a general plan for the final three after that. Like last time, this Beer & Budget meeting is going to be at least half dedicated to going over the details of what we've already gotten done, which is a lot. I'm a little worried that we haven't heard back from the officiant about our desire to meet with him in person when we're actually down in the area in three weeks (after our business trip) — I was hoping to hear back from him this week so we could let my parents know about the intended meeting and also so we could arrange travel plans with Arthur about a return trip, if he's planning on driving down with us.

I'm also a little freaked about the Do It Yourself projects I have lined up, especially the one involving the customized drinking glasses. I have still not found a reliable and classy-looking way to get the glass paint to work, after experimenting on smaller pieces like votive candle holders. Our next experiment is going to be using the sand-blasting to get an "etched glass" look, see if we can get that to work with a handmade stencil using our design. And of course, there's the lawyer consultation, and anxiety in general about the florist, and the cake that my mom is supposedly handling (though she tends to leave this stuff to the last minute), and the music (I'm still not sure Raymond is even planning on coming, so relying on him to play for the ceremony is probably a no-go), and the dress (which is not as big an issue, honestly, I have a dress picked out and some intended alterations to make, and if it falls through I have a back-up choice that's under a hundred bucks that I could order and have ready in only a few weeks). In general, it's all the little stuff that I'm worried about losing track of, especially since it seems some of our vendors have a habit of saying, "Oh, we'll email that to you!" and then needing three or four reminders before they actually do it. Long distance planning.....

On the other hand, I have been thinking more and more recently how my approach to wedding planning (using "GULP") might also work for approaching my book manuscript — since I've now told Graeme I want to have that finished by June, originally thinking I could get it out of the way so that the last few months leading up to the wedding I wouldn't have to worry about it, but getting that finished and the website launched might be a bit over-ambitious. With the Christmas gift card from Steve and Phyllis, I got a couple books on organizing research and manuscripts for nonfiction books, and "growing your author platform," thinking that, like the Big Wedding Book I got, I can read them knowing I probably won't care about even half of what they say, but knowing how other people do it can give me something to go off of and tweak to my own needs. We'll see — the books arrived a few days ago, but I haven't been able to bring myself to read them yet.

Otherwise, today was mostly work after waking up quite early in the morning. I'm dreading "daylight savings time" when it'll go back to being dark until 7:30 each morning. Had a minor freak-out with Jeff over the issue of late checks — he got in touch with the woman in accounting who takes care of that, asking if there was anything I could do to try to keep the checks more regular instead of going a month at a time without an income, and her response was to point out that my contract says turn-around time on the invoices just has to be under two weeks. It bothered me more than it should have, but this has been twice now in only three months that there has there been a lengthy delay, and the first delay was three weeks long, so clearly my ability to enforce the contract is pretty much nil (and I pointed out the injustice of this to Jeff, at length). But what bothers me is that all I was asking was for more information — even just a response back saying the invoice had been received and was in-process — and her response felt like she was chiding me for being an impatient nag. It seems to me that replying with a two-minute email giving an acknowledgement that the invoice has been received and an estimate about when the check might be processed hardly pushes the boundaries of simple courtesy. It bothers me when I am trying to behave like a reasonable person, asking how we can both work to make things easier on both ends, and all I get back is a snippy response citing "contracts" that one party can ignore at will in any case. I do have the option of sending an invoice whenever I want, and could easily make things much harder by sending invoices every week, or even every few days, instead of twice a month as I have been. That would more than double her workload, which is why I've been content to just do biweekly, but if she's not going to meet me halfway on trying to get the check turn-around time lower than ten to twelve days (and erratic, at that), then I'm not sure what other options I really have. So much for me trying to be courteous by submitting regularly timed, reasonably spaced invoices to make everyone's lives easier.

When I'm a face author rolling in dough, these things will seem like such silly worries.

In terms of spiritual practice — other than the diet, which is demanding a lot of discipline and mindfulness from me most days, I find myself wanting to spend time in meditation or, especially, out in the woods, but without the time available between all the projects I'm trying to juggle. I'm eager to explore this relationship with Manannan, which seems to have receded a bit, though when I think about it, I get that thrill of excitement almost as though I'm musing on a new crush. I've been working to bring more mindfulness and presence to my daily activities, but when I'm stuck in front of a computer screen for hours at a time, it's difficult to do — as if there's nothing physical to be present to. The weather takes a dive in temperature whenever it's sunny enough out to be inviting, and only warms up when it's gray and drizzling. The other day (two days ago, or three, I think), we woke up to a gray, misty, rainy mornings in the low fifties. I was downstairs eating breakfast when Jeff decided to run out to the grocery store before settling down to work for the day — he came back in and asked if he could open the window in the dining room to share the morning with me, and his eyes were shining. The smell of spring came pouring through the open window, and the grass in the backyard suddenly seemed to be living again the way it hadn't been all winter, though it was still sparse and patchy. It was as if I could smell the spongey give of the muddy ground, and I actually started to cry a little with relief. Jeff nodded and said that had been his reaction, too, when he first stepped out. I'd wanted to go for a walk that day, but waited thinking it might get a bit warmer later in the day. Instead, the temperature dropped again until it was just too cold to go out into the woods. We did manage to go jogging together the day before yesterday, and that helped a bit with the cabin fever. But today, my body is not feeling comfortable at all, and after breakfast I actually had an intense wave of nausea hit me which resulted in me losing half of what I'd eaten back up into the toilet. I suspect that was just drainage from overnight fighting with the orange juice... but it does worry me a bit. I feel so desperate for spring, I can hardly stand it. Sitting in the study visualizing warmth and water and fire just does not have the same effect. I miss the earth and the woods deeply, and if the cold didn't make my skin so painful that it bleeds, I'd be outside much more. (All the more reason to move to Florida, at least for a little while. That, and the fact that the stars are aligned against me ever making any career progress here in Pittsburgh.)

Tomorrow, I only have a few hours of work left for the week in the morning, and I plan to spend the rest of the day working on revision for the book manuscript and possibly coming up with a GULP game-plan to get the revision done by June. I also want to email everyone who's agreed to sign on to the Green Pagan blog project, and write up a request for a few more writers for Jason to send out on the lists. Getting that off the ground would be fantastic (I'm reading Abram's Becoming Animal now and already it's amazing — though at times even a bit too heady with the poetic language for my taste).

Diary Tarot Card

© Stephanie Pui-Mun Law, The Shadowscape Tarot

The Empress (III) - Queen of the natural world in all its fecundity and lushness, she is a symbol of mother earth and her cycles of ceaseless creativity and regeneration. A card saturated with life and color, the joy of the senses and the sensuous, she represents the pleasure we take in our creative powers and a full-body engagement with this new blossoming, the first buds opening. She is the first unfurling and manifestation and the creative urge into the world, and as such she is wild and full of passion and self-giving, though still somewhat unstructured for the time being.

Six of Swords - A necessary journey through difficulty and strife, leaving these trials and tribulations behind as we move on to a brighter future. He nestles into the warm down of the swan's back as she carries him across a dark-clouded sky, high above the stormcrows where they perch hunched and black on their sharp swords. The journey is one of respite and renewal, providing comfort and perspective - but there may also be a risk of carrying those burdens with us, the unhealthy thought-patterns, expectations and attitudes that weighed us down and drained us of our energy in the past. This journey is a time of rest and recuperation, letting go of the past and looking forward to a welcoming future ahead.

Ace of Swords - A new beginning, the gift of clarity and insight that helps us put what was once chaotic into order and gain the perspective and knowledge we need to see the truth of things, and work towards that truth with justice and reason. Perhaps the start of a new intellectual endeavor or a break-through that will lead to new ideas and insights.

Story - A story that moves from the past into the future: the Empress faces to the right, towards the Six of Swords, her left hand upraised in blessings as the butterflies dance and swirl in brilliant patterns of color before her. She is the creative urge, so closely connected with my sensuous relationship with the earth and the woods, that I have felt in the past: a joy that pulses through me and manifests in spinning words in poetry and story, but has often lacked the structure (and I, the discipline) to sustain any long projects. The Six of Swords continues the journey on the back of a graceful white swan, facing to the right again, moving through a period in the present characterized by difficulty and struggle as I work to leave behind old, unhelpful patterns of thought and allow the forced rest and withdrawal of winter to give me an opportunity to gain perspective and reevaluate. In the final card, the Ace of Swords, the journey comes to an end, the upright sword surrounded by both swans and butterflies in joyful celebration — the integration of the creative self and its denizens, the butterflies, with the fierce commitment and graceful strength of the swans necessary to make the long journey, and at their center, the Sword of Light, both poetry and intellect, creativity and the insight and clarity to order that creativity in a way that will give birth to a new beginning, new projects yet to come.

Divination: The Relationship between Manannan and Brigid

I just finished Robert M. Place's The Tarot: History, Symbolism and Divination (one of the books I got Jeff for Solstice this year), and so I thought it might be worthwhile to experiment with his three-card story technique. One of the spreads he recommends is a nine-card "relationship spread," so I used that spread to explore the potential relationship between Manannan and Brigid Star Fire. My clarity in the question ("What is the relationship between Manannan and Brigid?") may be somewhat lacking, since I didn't exactly ask what their relationship was in regards to me, and I'm not sure my interpretation of the cards will be all that accurate since I've only experimented in a kind of intuitive way with three-card story readings before (jumping to a full nine-card spread may have been ambitious, now that I'm looking at the cards all laid out in front of me). But here goes:

(g) (h) (i)
(a) (b) (c) . . . (d) (e) (f)

Manannan

© Stephanie Pui-Mun Law, The Shadowscape Tarot

(a) The Star (XII) - A card above all of hope, renewal and inspiration, the guidance of starlight emerging from darkness and difficulty. There is respite, rebirth and peace in this card, the optimism that resides in stillness and quiet, in which the first stirrings of joy begin. The image of the card is dominated by the soft blues and purples of water in ripples and swirls around the figure of the Star stepping delicately over the surface of the water. Around her swim golden carp, and above her shines a seven-pointed star in silvery-white reflected in the rippling curls of her hair. All is still and quiet, shimmering. The figure of the Star walks forward, but looks to her right (my left) with a hand upraised in blessing.

(b) Ace of Wands - A card of energetic beginnings and passion taking root, the wand of fire planted firmly in the ground alights with inspiration and creativity. This card seems to reflect the classic meaning of new beginnings and fresh starts in the realm of activity, yet the image depicts an autumn landscape at sunset, golden-colored fallen leaves swirling and rustling around the feet of the foxes, while small red mushrooms push their way up from the soil nearby. This spark or seed of creativity illuminates and draws out the creatures and spirits of the woods that otherwise may not be seen — just as in autumn, with the baring of the trees can reveal new aspects of the landscape usually hidden by the thick green of foliage. Of the three foxes, one faces right, one left, and the third forward — this last has a sun-spiral tattoo on his flank, spiraling outward. The seed of fiery energy and passion can take root even in a waning season, and germinate and grow throughout the spiraling year.

(c) Page of Pentacles - The Page perches upon a mounded rock around which an ancient dragon, green and verdant, curls asleep and dreaming of prosperity, fecundity and opportunity. She holds forward glowing in her left outstretched hand a small golden orb, the spark of opportunity and initiative, the key and invitation to plunge in and enjoy the sensuality and physicality of the world. She faces forward on her perch, as does her owl companion, though the sleeping dragon faces off to the left (my right), towards the center of the spread.

Story: The general flow of energy in these three cards seems to be from the central card (the Ace of Wands) outward in two directions, towards The Star and the Page of Pentacles on either side. One fox each faces left, right and straight on — my interpretation of this is what Place calls the "central teacher" pattern, in which a central figure is pointing out or commenting on two options or alternatives. The spark of creativity and passion symbolized in the Ace of Wands takes on two different forms. In The Star, that spark becomes a silvery seven-rayed point of light, far distant yet able to give guidance and hope in the midst of darkness. The figure of the Star reaches towards the utmost left of the spread, in fact almost directly pointing towards the placement of Manannan's candle and shell on my altar. In the other card, the Page of Pentacles, the spark of energy in the Ace of Wands becomes an invitation or offered gift to take the plunge into a sensual, pleasurable engagement with the physical world and encouragement to seize the opportunities presented. Though this card, too, is mostly a forward-facing one, there is some movement of energy to the right, towards the center of the spread. The Ace of Wands, as a central teacher, seems to be suggesting that these two approaches to an initial spark of inspiration need to be balanced and brought together — the intertwining bodies of the foxes, the spiral tattoo that draws both together, and the spiraling double-twist of the staff on the wand itself seem to suggest bringing these two approaches together to inform one another.

Brigid Star Fire

(d) The Hanged Man (XII) - A card of willing surrender and self-sacrifice, especially a time of reversals, transformed expectations and a new perspective on the world that can bring further insight and breakthroughs. The figure of the Hanged Man is one of release, but also of tenacity and strength, the inner courage and commitment to see through a period of difficulty and sacrifice, a suspension of the ego on the World Tree. Upside down, hanging from the branches of the huge oak, he faces off to the right, but his head tilts back so that he almost seems to be craning to gaze left from his inverted position. Above his hands, protected by the fold of his legs, he cradles a small, glowing golden orb similar to the one the Page of Pentacles offers.

(e) The Moon (XVIII) - A card of dreams and things half-seen in the pale moonlight which sometimes seems to only create more shadows and uncertainties in amongst the dark trees of the woods. The figure of the Moon stands within a ring of mushrooms, an enchanted faery circle glistening with tiny fireflies and dew. She holds up her left hand pointing upwards, a tiny red heart in her palm, and in her other hand she holds a strange, white mask with elongated nose and red ribbons trailing from it, which she turns her head (to her right, my left) to contemplate. Above her, a gray-white bird, possibly a doe, flies off to the left above her head. She is a figure deeply involved with masks, questions of identity and honesty — she holds at once the bright heart of true emotion revealed to all, and the mask that one might use to conceal it. She stands within a sacred circle, danced around by faery beings, yet she appears solitary and singular in the center, not exactly participating in the gathering. The world around her seems very much like a dream world, both obscure and revealing.

(f) Nine of Cups - The mermaid-figure in this card marvels at the swirling beauty around him, so rich and luxurious — the school of golden fish turn and move, circling almost as one being, sparkling and shining in the dark waters, and the mermaid seems to bow in reverence and gratitude in amongst them. This card symbolizes wealth and luxury, especially in terms of emotional contentment and gratitude, and suggests a feeling of exquisite harmony and fluidity in how everything seems to be coming together. The mermaid faces left, towards the center of the spread, but although the fish swirl around him, many seem to face to the right, towards the placement of the candle of Brigid Star Fire on my altar.

Story: It seems as though these three cards might be illustrating what Place calls a "central problem" pattern, in which there is no clear energy flow and the central card is blocking or dispersing the energy. The center card, The Moon, faces forward, but her face is turned towards the left (her right), with both hands raised. This might also be a "central teacher" pattern or even a linear pattern from right to left, where the final card (the Hanged Man) is turned to meet the action. The figures in these cards seem much more ambiguous than in the Waite-Smith deck Place works with, so I'm not exactly sure how to interpret the energy flow in this story. Assuming a linear pattern to the energy flow, the story moves from the Nine of Cups towards the right — suggesting a beginning in harmony and emotional contentment that then leads through a period of confusion and uncertainty as the Moon contemplates an open, revealed heart on the one hand (literally) while contemplating the mask in her other and what role it might play. This uncertainty and exploration into the dreamworld leads to the final card, the Hanged Man, who is turned to face the on-coming action but holds behind him (to the left, nearest the center of the spread) the glowing ember of possibility and, perhaps, renewal. This interpretation might suggest that a period of confusion will lead to a revolutionary change in perspective, turning the world upside-down and revealing new insights. In some ways, a central teacher or central problem interpretation sees very similar meaning in these three cards, with the Moon acting as a turning point in the process that can either block or give aid during a transition from the emotional contentment of the Nine of Cups to the wisdom-gifting self-surrender of the Hanged Man.

The Bridge Between

(g) Two of Swords - A card of blockage and impasse, the hooded figure stands in the center of the path, blocking the way with drawn swords crossed. A dark and immovable figure in the midst of the forest, his eyes are hidden by his hood so that he cannot see the offerings of the two swans by his side — the small, red heart of love and receptivity and the red-orange flower, possibly a poppy, symbol of sleep and death which open up the way for dreams of respite and renewal. He is frozen like ice, his back towards the right, the center of the three-card spread.

(h) Justice (XI) - A card of balance and harmony, a clear and even mind capable of weighing all things carefully and perceiving clearly and with piercing insight their true character and quality. A card concerned with truth, even when such truth is as subtle and light as the lightness of a feather or a butterfly's wing — in many ways, Justice is also a figure that turns inward to consider the inner tensions within the soul itself, seeking a balance that will help to ease these tensions and allow a return to center and equilibrium from which to take just and appropriate action in the world. The figure of Justice holds the light father-like sword of insight and discriminating mind close to her breast, turning her insight inwards, while holding out the balanced scales to influence and respond to the world around her. She faces forward, balanced and symmetrical in her stance.

(i) Eight of Wands - A card of energy and activity, beginnings and initiatives that move forward with the momentum of what has come before but that leave behind established projects to seek new ground in which to plant new seeds. The figure in the Eight of Wands sets loose her seeds drifting in the wind, carried to new fertile ground where they may germinate and take root, growing into new saplings and eventually great trees. But this process seems to happen largely without personal effort or involvement, carried along simply by the force and energy of the activities themselves and the wish that set them spinning out into the world on their gossamer filaments. The figure faces away from the center, towards the right, watching as her wishes are carried off by the wind.

Story: The flow of energy in these three cards very clearly fall into the pattern Place calls the "central origin" — a central card facing forward, with cards on each side facing away from the center in opposite directions. In this case, the center card of Justice may indicate a current pattern in the relationship and the two results that may arise from such a pattern. Clear insight and discernment, with a focus on finding a careful balance and weighing truth against truth, gives rise, on the one hand, to the Eight of Wands, a card of momentum and energy (especially one that will lead to new beginnings) that are largely impersonal in nature and somewhat "left up to" the forces and whims of nature. This might mean that the stillness and inward-turning nature of Justice is likely to give rise to activity of a dispassionate and impersonal nature, instead of a more personal involvement and engagement. In the other direction, another result that may arise from the pattern embodied in Justice is the Two of Swords, an impasse in which the swords of analytical thought are held at cross-purposes, barring the way and preventing a deeper receptivity to the gifts being offered. Given that the Two of Swords appears to the left, closer to Manannan's side, and the Eight of Wands appears to the right, closer to Brigid Star Fire, this suggests to me that too great a focus on discernment and balance may lead to an impersonal but potentially fruitful relationship with Brigid, but will only serve to block or prevent a deeper relationship with Manannan, whose fluidity and receptivity might be stymied by over-analysis.


Overall Interpretation: I find this reading difficult and rather ambiguous in its meaning, and I suspect one of the biggest reasons why is because I did not clarify enough in my own mind exactly what I was asking before beginning. Am I treating Manannan and Brigid as two distinct entities and asking for insight into how they relate to each other, as though they were two mutual friends of mine and I was looking for insight into their relationship? Or am I asking for insight into how each of these deities fits into my spiritual life in an integrated way that brings them into relationship? In other words: where am I, as querent, in this spread? I think the second version of the question is probably the closest to the one I was intending (though having a clearer question in mind may help in the future). If that is the case, then it seems likely that the three cards for each deity suggest how that deity is in relationship to me and how that relationship shifts or changes with the involvement of the other deity; while the "bridge" between the deities seems to be about my own attitudes in how to consciously connect them or bring them into relationship in my practice and approach. What's interesting is that, for each deity, the card closest to that deity and farthest from the center seems to reflect or echo the "core" of the other deity: the card closest to the heart of Manannan is The Star, a symbol that I have been connecting deeply with Brigid (Star Fire); the card closest to the heart of Brigid is the Nine of Cups, an intensely watery card depicting an underwater ocean scene. In both of these cards, water and fire, darkness and light share an intimate relationship with one another, suggesting that it is unwise, if not impossible, to try to separate them out into distinct entities without running the risk of diminishing one or both. As the relationships in each of the three cards moves towards the center, ambiguity and uncertainty seems to enter the picture (especially in regards to Brigid), but the card closest to the center in each three-card grouping holds that seed of light that is offered as a potential new beginning, new opportunity or new insight into the world. In this case, the "bridge" with a fulcrum as Justice, concerned with separating out and discerning between opposites, might represent my intellectual attempts to reconcile these changing relationships and clearly delineate each deity, though it seems such an attempt may be wrong-headed and unhelpful right from the start. This seems especially ironic considering that at the beginning of my reading, I spent a minute in meditation reaching out to the energies of water/sea below and fire/sky above, joining them together in the earth/tree of my body (as per the DOTR three realms working from Lesson 2) and asking for clarity of insight in my reading.

With that, I'm going to do a final three-card reading asking for advice to see if this interpretation may be even remotely on the right track.

Final Advice

(c) Ace of Cups - A gift and beginning, the first drop of water that unites with the ocean, merging with the source of all water and life, sending ripples out in all directions. This card is one of utter unity and wholeness, the emotional and intuitive core from which all else springs and ripples outward — mystical in its connection the the sacred grail or chalice, source of life. The first stirrings of gladness and joy, an initial surge of connection and attraction, as the tides are pulled by the moon, it is also a card of imagination and receptivity.

(b) Queen of Wands - A fiery queen of passion, initiative and energy, she stands at her harp, her living wands, drawing the delicate strains of music from its strings as the creatures of the forest still to listen, entranced by her energy and enthusiasm. As queen, she has the maturity and composure to balance her fiery energies with receptivity and love, and these weave through each other to lend beauty and depth to her activities. She is self-confident, playful and at ease with herself, whether she is the center of attention or retired into the background.

(a) King of Cups - A king of intuition, emotion and receptivity, he governs with endless patience and calm, deeply in touch with the emotional and spiritual needs of his subjects. He is a protector and provider, offering healing and cleansing from his sacred chalice. Balancing out the receptivity and fluidity of his natural element with his maturity and authority as king, bringing structure and order to his realm. Yet his authority arises not from imposition or control, but from being deeply attuned to the patterns and currents of intuition and emotion that flow through the world.

Story: The pattern in this final three-card reading is obviously, almost overwhelmingly linear, moving from right to left, from the Ace of Cups through the Queen of Wands to the King of Cups. All of the figures in these three cards face to the left (even in the Ace of Cups which might be expected to be forward-facing, the golden fish that arise from and swim around the chalice face to the left). In this story, then, it seems that the Ace of Cups represents a beginning, an initial gift of connection and intuition that then led to a relationship with the Queen of Wands, a queen of fire, energy, passion and creativity. This seems to clearly indicate a relationship with Brigid (Celtic fire goddess). Through this relationship with the Queen of Wands, there is then movement towards the King of Cups, a powerful king of the depths of intuition and emotion. Again, this seems to so obviously indicate Manannan, not only in imagery and symbolism, but in the suggestion of intense emotional engagement that I feel with him. The three cards, moving from right to left, actually move across my altar from my Brigid candle to my Manannan candle, again seeming to indicate a linear movement from one to the other. Yet, the fact that Brigid is represented by a Queen and Manannan by a King (each of which themselves have a balance of energies within them — fiery feminine, watery masculine) seems to be a strong suggestion that, even within this linear progress, Brigid and Manannan are paired as a couple and are intimately related to each other. Overall, the advice of this final reading seems to be to accept the unfolding progress of events at face value — a linear movement through/away from Brigid and towards Manannan — and to allow myself to explore this relationship with Manannan more deeply, but without worrying that to do so will somehow weaken my relationship to Brigid. As a fiery Queen of Wands used to being the center of attention and showing up in the center of the spread, it's unlikely she will be going anywhere any time soon.

Daily Diary

Sun: aquarius (air/fixed), 7:37am - 5:27pm
Moon: waning gibbous, libra (air/cardinal)
Earth: still. very. cold.

Thoughts: thinking about the idea of "breath" and its connection to spirit in preparation for Savanah's Druidry lesson today; also spent some time thinking and talking with Jeff about issues of copyright, plagiarism and support for creative work, as well as football, cars and why American culture is so strange and unhealthy; in the evening, spent time analyzing discourse on online political blogs and following up with some comments about insanity and hyper-rationality in politics and culture; responded to Johnny's follow-up comment on his post about "low-intensity ritual" and everyday customs, which of course got me thinking about Brigid Star-Fire and my commitment to daily devotional work with her (and wanting to get back to it)

Actions: kept up much of the night by somebody snoring (ahem - Jeff); so slept in late, lazed around in the morning, showered, spent time after breakfast preparing Savanah's Druidry lesson and then doing Savanah's lesson (along with Jeff); then after lunch (and the kids dropped off earlier so they could go to a party), headed out to get some food with Jeff and swing by the Apple Store and Journey's in Shadyside do to some window-shopping and day-dreaming; back home, watched some television and spent some time responding to blog comments

Connections: I think way too many things in a given day to keep track of them all; maybe I should get myself a tape recorder or something; also, political blogging wears me out and rarely feels worth the effort (people persist in being rude and obnoxious, and then justifying their behavior by mimicking the rhetoric of tolerance and liberalism.... it's ironic in an exhausting kind of way); what I want is to spend more time writing poetry, or doing the ritual equivalent, like walking in the woods, listening, opening, attending.... but it's so f'ing cold outside.... sigh....

Daily Tarot Card: The Queen of Swords is a figure of piercing insight and clarity of thought, balanced by and arising from a receptivity to the living, changing world around her. Her mature acceptance of the slip-ups and difficulties natural to life have led to her deep wisdom, inner strength and independence - her sense of humor belies her apparent aloofness, though her detachment is also what gives her the distance and perspective necessary to see more deeply and clearly the patterns of things. She wields her sword not as a weapon of brute force, but as an instrument of precision and delicacy whether in analysis or judgement, and she has about her person a lightness-of-being that finds its echo in the butterfly's wing and the curling petals of the purple dragon lilies.

(My notes: I am too tired for the Queen of Swords right now. To maintain this receptivity and light-heartedness, balancing it with dispassionate intellect and emotional nonattatchment.... it's too tiring, and I don't think I'm up for it. How do you walk that line between harsh shrew and fuzzy-minded push-over? How to maintain clarity without being accused of either "white light and fluffy bunnies" or the hard, cold-minded heartlessness of dissection? I don't have the energy to be a Queen of Swords. It is too clumsy a thing for me to wield with delicacy. My arms are tired.)(Metaphorically speaking.)

Daily Diary

Sun: aquarius (air/fixed); 7:39am - 5:23pm
Moon: **full moon, leo (fire/fixed)
Earth: much colder with snow starting in early afternoon and continuing into evening, steady and cold and gray and blah

Thoughts: started the morning by thinking about the relationship between reason and faith (especially the tradition of rationalism and secularism, and the tradition of exclusive monotheistic faith) in the history of Western society, sparked by an article Kevin sent me; also did some thinking about the myth of Cú Chulainn and the role of irony and tragedy in Celtic mythology, and why so many Pagans seem to want to take for granted a role model/infallible interpretation of the great heros of myth, justifying whatever actions they take; otherwise, spent most of today focused on work, trying to plow through; spent some time in the evening planning a to-do list for my "day off" tomorrow, chores and things to do around the house

Actions: went to Panera for the morning to get some work done (contractor work, mainly, though also spent some time reading an article that Kevin sent me); ran some errands at the grocery store and picked up a few candles before heading home for lunch; spent the afternoon plugging away at work and fighting a headache; then relaxed after dinner, poked around online

Connections: got some good thoughts in about two really interested topics, and honestly, it's nice to be able to ponder these things without the automatic instinct/urge to "write about them" in a blog; gives the ideas some room to breathe, instead of constant pressure to put on their "game face" and go out to perform and prove myself; it is also really nice to be able to plug away at simple tasks at work and accomplish something (have I mentioned that already?); now I just want this headache and stuffy nose to go away, and I'll be all set

Daily Tarot Card: The Knight of Swords is a figure of intensity, purpose, one might say single-mindedness. With sharp intellect and brutal honesty, this knight gives little credence to emotions and their role - he charges ahead, driven by his vision and his goals. He can be domineering and harsh, as well as fearless and loyal. In some circumstances, his energy and action may be exactly what's needed to cut through the red tape and charge courageously ahead. At other times, he can be callous, overbearing and prone to take or cause offense, trodding on the emotions of others without regard and sensitivity.

Divination on Writing, Anger and Frustration

Extremely upset tonight by incredibly hurtful, rude remarks by a supposedly well-respected "Pagan academic" who chose to make personal attacks against me in his blog (which I only just happened to stumble upon tonight), and comments left by some of his readers, one of whom used to describe himself as my "first official fan," agreeing that I was patronizing, hyperbolic and "extremist." I'm not feeling up to doing a daily diary entry (my hands have only just stopped shaking from anger enough for me to type with any consistency). But I did decide spontaneously to do a three-card tarot reading.

(a) Insight into the current situation.
(b) (perpendicular) Energies or forces that are working at cross-purposes and may be throwing up obstacles.
(c) My best hope for a healthy, happy, fulfilling resolution.

(a) Four of Cups - A card of reverie and self-absorption, losing perspective and turning a blind or stubborn eye to the gifts being offered. This card has appeared numerous times during my daily diary readings, and seems especially to represent an absorption in how the self appears or presents itself to an outside observer. There is a sense of alienation from one's true element or environment - the mermaid in the card gazes into her reflection in the water, contemplating her image mirrored back to her within her natural element, yet she herself shivers from the cold, dry air on her skin and longs to plunge back into, past self-reflection and self-consciousness.

(b) Four of Swords - A card of stagnation in some ways, in a suit that often represents strife and conflict, in other ways this is also a card of renewal and lucidity. It signifies a period of rest and withdrawal into the self to seek perspective and mental clarity, and can indicate that this respite may be forced on one unwillingly, necessary in order to break free of the stagnation and motionlessness of current circumstances. Echoing the Four of Cups, the "masculine" suit of swords signifies not a meandering in fantasy and reverie, but a more active and productive period of rest and stillness that ultimately leads to the "cutting through" of stagnation and frustration to a new level of insight.

(c) The Moon (XVIII) - A card of dreams, fantasies and the unconscious, the unmasking of truth as can be seen sometimes only in the half-shadowy light of the moon at night. Sometimes a card indicating anxiety and even fear, the powerful urges arising from the unconscious may be harnessed and integrated through creative and artistic work. As a card of the major arcana, there is also a hint in this card that the forces of the unconscious may well up unbidden in unexpected ways, causing an unsettled period during which emotions run high and life may seem unpredictable, strange, even eerie. That this might be my greatest hope for seeking resolution seems to suggest again that I turn to my writing as an artistic craft and vehicle for active self-discovery, rather than continuing to try to cultivate it as a tool for lecturing prosaically.

Daily Diary

Sun: capricorn (earth/cardinal), 7:43am - 5:02pm
Moon: waning crescent, scorpio (water/fixed)
Earth: the high was actually above freezing today, with steady sun and clear skies and not too much wind, all in all a pretty nice day

Thoughts: a bit of restlessness to start out the day, but things got better; brainstorming about wedding plans and wedding-related to do lists, as well as some of the deeper symbolic meanings of the wedding ceremony itself and reflecting on how our Paganism will (potentially) reflect in the wedding; otherwise, felt fairly focused today with few freak-outs, which is nice

Actions: this morning, spent some time working on "Wedding Wednesday" stuff in preparation for our trip to the Wedding Expo next week; got in touch with the officiant to set up a time to meet in person; figured out our schedule for the long weekend and worked with Jeff to book our hotel room (at a big discount due to a wedding expo special, and we were able to get a suite with kitchenette which means cooking in the room and saving lots of money on eating out - yay!); looked over the budget to get an idea of how we're doing (not bad, I think); in the afternoon, spent time writing a post for the wedding blog, which quickly eventually blossomed into more-than-one post (still not finished the second part, but almost there, hopefully to post tomorrow)

Connections: felt like I got a lot done today with very little distraction; feeling the best about the writing and kinda wish I could whittle down my responsibilities so that on any given day, after my contractor work, I could spend the rest of my time working on my writing; but to do that, I'll have to first finally get the apartment how I like it (only a few rooms to go) and stay more on top of this wedding planning stuff; all in all, though, I think things are going really well and I made it through the holiday stress without too much freaking out; now for recovery time, for which regular work is actually quite enjoyable; I find myself really looking forward to putting in some solid hours tomorrow and for the rest of the week so that, come next week, I can take a few days off in a row to enjoy the expo without worrying about my hours

Daily Tarot Card: After drawing a card I have had several times before, I decided to draw several more for clarification, and also as a transition into deeper insight into the cards and practice doing multi-card spreads.

The Ace of Cups I drew first, and placed in the center. This is a card of beginnings, a gladness and enjoyment that results from a happy emotional alignment or orientation and being more deeply connected to our emotions and intuition. It offers the gift of withdrawal into dream and imagination, where we can foster and nurture healthy connections and emotional bonds both with others and with our own deeper selves.

I cut the deck again, and drew the Five of Cups, which I placed in the center directly below the Ace of Cups. Recognizing once again that the Five of Cups is a card I've drawn before, I drew two more cards from the top of the deck (without cutting), placing the first to the left and the second to the right of the Five of Cups, so that the three made a line above which the Ace of Cups rested in the center. The card to the left was the Six of Swords, and the card to the right was the Five of Wands.

The Five of Cups is a card of sorrow, grief and loss. Dreams have been set loose and have passed beyond our control, and we are left to wait and wonder what will become of them, and of us. Our journey has been difficult and sometimes painful, with many mistakes and regrets along the way. We may have a tendency to focus overly much on these causes for grief, and feel the pain acutely, even reveling in its sensuality to some degree. But there is also hope, and a chance for change and movement - some of our cups have not yet overturned, and offer us the gift of healing and emotional renewal. What is required of us is a reorientation, a new perspective and a more stubborn optimism and gratitude about those resources still readily available to us, instead of wallowing in our grief and misery.

The Six of Swords represents a journey through difficulty and challenge, overcoming strife and uncertainty as we struggle towards a new horizon and the possibilities it promises. The journey itself may be a hard one for us, or it may be a time of rest and recovery from the strains of the world that have left us feeling weakened and drained. Either way, we travel into the uncertain future that promises hope and renewal. Still, the card holds a warning as well, cautioning us against carrying with us the same harmful or unhealthy thought patterns that have caused us difficulty and sorrow in the past.

The Five of Wands is a card of playful combativeness and conflict, of energy and activity in a blur of motion and barely contained chaos. Sometimes, this card can feel like swimming against the tide, a thousand small obstacles piling up to create an unending barrage of difficulties and challenges that threaten to overwhelm us. At the same time, these challenges can be invigorating, energizing and motivating us to rise to the occasion, overcome whatever challenges we face and, in the process, discover new skills and new sources of potential that we hadn't expected or anticipated. Though the card carries a caution against allowing trivial matters to pile up or escalate into serious or dangerous conflict, it is also a card of movement and change that can bring about success and renewal.

Visually, the layout of this spread raises some interesting insights. The four cards are spread in a kind of wide-based pyramid, with the Ace of Cups at the apex and the three cards (from left to right: Six of Swords, Five of Cups, Five of Wands) forming the base.

The two cards on either end of the base both contain figures dressed in white who are journeying towards the upper center of the spread, almost pointing at the Ace of Cups itself. The figure riding the swan's back in the Six of Swords moves from left to right, rising above the swords and stormcrows below him. The figure in the Five of Wands charges from right to left, leaping over the swarm of foxes and dodging the staffs placed in his way. Both of these bookend cards, in addition to having journeying figures in white, also contain long, upright tools or weapons (staffs or swords) as well as a flock or pack of animals (foxes or stormcrows) perched in and about them, which the figure must rise above. These may represent circumstances of difficulty that are stagnant or unchanging (or seem to be), planted firmly in the ground and appearing almost like bars on a jail cell or the poles of a fence or wall. The animals - dark in one card, bright and fiery in the other - may represent uncontrolled or wild animal instincts, emotional reactions or even thought patterns that have taken on "a life of their own" and no longer seem to be helpful but have instead become a hindrance or a symbol of the figures' difficulties and obstacles. In neither case, however, are these animals actively trying to hinder the figure in any personal way - simply their existence can be a challenge, but they are not out to get the figure in any way, and so the challenges they (re)present are things he can "rise above" (literally or figuratively).

Both figures seem to be moving, within the spread, through their difficulties and towards the center cards - but more specifically, upwards towards the Ace of Cups. The center card in the bottom row, the Five of Cups, is one of sorrow and regret, grief over what has been lost or the failures and difficulties one has seen. The figure is still, head bent down towards the overturned or half-emptied cups around her. She faces to the left, towards the Six of Swords card, with her back to the right and the Five of Wands, and head turned down so that she cannot possibly see the Ace of Cups above her. This layout suggests a focus on the difficulties of the journey that have brought her to this place, and perhaps too much focus on her own weakness and fatigue (as shown in the Six of Swords), while ignoring the stamina, energy and resourcefulness (represented by the Five of Wands) that have brought her this far. Most importantly, she does not raise her head to look around her and see what opportunities and gifts are still available to her and, in fact, continually being offered. The ocean seems to carry all her dreams and hopes away from her as she stands on the desolate shore, and yet she does not recognize the source of this vast ocean and its potential to offer support, insight and emotional depth to her as well.

Yet this spread suggests that, once grief and sorrow are acknowledged and moved through, the journey of the two outer cards will continue, leading eventually and at last to the Ace of Cups, a place of generosity and renewal especially of an emotional (and intuitive or imaginative) kind. The figures do not face the center, but a more dynamic direction "upwards," with their eyes firmly fixed on the Ace of Cups as the goal. The journey may involve grief and regret to some extent, but keeping things in perspective and moving through this emotionally "troubled water" with the same willingness and energy will resolve eventually in obtaining to the gift that the Ace of Cups offers: renewal, reflection, self-knowledge and deeper connection. Here, the animals in this card (a school of fish) swirl and dance around the spiraling, overflowing waters of the cup, presenting glittering symbols of beauty and good luck, instead of the strife and conflict of the animals in the other cards (or the absence of animals as primary actors in the center Five of Cups card).

All this says to me that I am in the midst of a journey, a period of transition that may be difficult and sometimes a bit of a struggle. I can choose to focus on that struggle and how tired and vulnerable it can sometimes make me feel, or I can value the energy and creativity that I can bring to the journey, and keep my eyes firmly on the many reasons to remain grateful and optimistic about my circumstances. If I do the latter, I may find that the gift for such gratitude and optimism, and the blessing of perspective, will eventually lead to a period of renewal and deeper insight and creativity, as well as more authentic connection and harmonious emotional relationship. (Let's hope that's right!)

Daily Diary

Sun: capricorn (earth/cardinal), 7:42am - 5:01pm
Moon: last quarter, libra (air/cardinal)
Earth: not as cold as it has been lately, with winds bringing slightly warmer air (though not much warmer), otherwise clear and sunny

Thoughts: Mercury retrograde in full swing today, ugh; thinking about drawing strength from the earth and keeping the pathways of energy open (to help with my fatigue some); getting quite frustrated over the stupidity of banks and how huge institutions can consistently screw over individuals

Actions: meditated some this morning, got in an hour or so of contractor work, with the intention of spending much of the day cleaning and organizing, especially the upstairs closet and bedroom; after lunch, swung by the bank to deposit the gift money and then headed to IKEA for the bookcases (a Christmas present from my parents); turns out, the card was declined because, though I had more than enough at the time I deposited the check (not even counting the hold they would put on the check itself), because I got some cash back from the deposit, instead of taking it from the check, they withdrew it from my account, leaving me only a few dollars short; luckily, I'd canceled my overdraft "protection" and so it only declined my card, instead of causing a cascading overdraft fee like they did the last time; so no bookcases today, and a very frustrating trip that brought up once again how much I hate dealing with banks and their f'ing greed (so for the next several days, that gift money will just exist in la-la land, in neither my account nor my parents', while the bank sits with its thumb up its ass, even though they could easily know immediately whether or not the check would bounce, considering we live in the internet age of instant money exchange (and Jeff's bank lets him deposit checks immediately), but they intentionally delay it hoping people will screw up and bounce the check or overdraw their accounts so they can get hit with a fee - makes me fucking angry); got home and relaxed some, then spent the afternoon organizing the closet upstairs and tossing a bunch of expired creams and other toiletries, so things are much better organized now and we have more shelf space; then dinner with Jeff and watching some Buffy on hulu.com

Connections: feeling incredibly tired and frustrated by today's bank stupidity (did I mention I really fucking hate how greedy and controlling banks are, and also how frustrating it is to work as a contractor and have to wait forever for my manager to submit my invoice - I've been working as a contractor for a month and a half now and have only received one check, from my very first week when I barely had any hours, because everyone's been too busy to process my invoices... it's nice to know the money is coming, but it sure isn't as convenient as earning cash that gets deposited right away without three f'ing week delays); so, needless to say, emotional roller-coaster today as I try to cope with feeling money anxiety which is only partly due to this new job causing delays in getting paid, and partly to do with how much money I seem to be spending on kids who aren't even mine because their mom keeps racking up bills that she expects Jeff to step in and pay, and how frustrating it is for me to feel like I have no control over that; if I were still living by myself, I could simply make the choices necessary to spend less, and handle a tight budget; but with these kids, so used to never having their mom think twice about throwing money around, they can act like real brats sometimes if we explain that doing this or that costs too much; but again, that's also me just projecting my feelings of helplessness and anger onto an easy target and I'm probably angrier about it than I really should be; anyway, it was good to get the closet organized and see.... just how little we actually own; every time I do major cleaning, I'm both gratified and annoyed by the irony of how little Jeff and I actually manage to live on; sometimes I think we keep our messes around just so we don't have to look at our depressingly empty closets (but then, I really don't like mess and clutter, so I'd rather embrace the half-empty closet, I think);

Catch Up: since I skipped few days, let me give you the rundown: Sunday, December 26 - slept in till about 7:30am in the hotel room, then got up and grabbed a continental breakfast, swung by my parents' one last time to say goodbye then got on the road to DC; hung out in Starbucks in Greenbelt until Melanie was out of church, then she met us there and we all headed back to her place (which is adorable) where we sat around chatting and sharing family pictures and catching up over appetizers and then lunch; after lunch (which was delicious homemade stuff that I can't even remember the name of), Jeff and I went for a bit of a walk around the neighborhood (while it snowed beautifully, though the wind was already starting to pick up then); once we got back, we went a few doors down to visit Melanie's friend, Jeanette, who is just the most amazing woman doing all sorts of traveling now that she's retired; when we got back from that, Biff had called and so Melanie got in touch with him and we agreed he'd come over to Melanie's for a gift exchange and then we'd all go out to a diner for some (late) dinner; meanwhile, Jeff and I checked in at the hotel that Melanie had kindly booked for us; we got back before Biff arrived, then all four of us sat around talking and sharing more pictures and joking about the kids and everything; we exchanged gifts (I think both M and B liked the daybook calendars we made for them, and they also both seemed to like the books we got them, though they were only slim ones each; Melanie got us some lovely hand-sewn potholders and a sandalwood candle, along with some temporary tattoos that I think the kids will really get a kick out of); eventually, we headed out to the diner, but it was closed due to "horrid weather"; eventually, we wound up at an IHOP close to midnight, by which time Jeff and I were practically zombies; Monday, December 27 - we finally made it back to the hotel around 1:30am and went to sleep, slept in till a little before 9am, treated ourselves to Dunkin Donuts for breakfast and swung by the REI camping equipment store which was just down the road; we talked a lot about things we might like to put on the wedding gift registry, and how practical it would be to go camping for our honeymoon (and if we can somehow do a registry with REI through Jeff's membership, so that gifts bought there also pay into his dividends (as well as helping a co-op nonprofit), so it'd be like the gift that keeps on giving - have to look into that sometime soon, as well as look through the comparison info sheets we picked up there; then we got on the road to drive back; it was an incredibly long and wearying drive because of tremendous wind gusts buffeting the car the entire drive (though I got a lot of reading down in the book my brother got me for Christmas, Taylor's Dark Green Religion); we finally pulled into Pittsburgh around 5pm (it took about two hours longer than we anticipated to drive back); we brought everything in from the car and pretty much collapsed from fatigue; had a simple dinner and went to bed early; I think that pretty much brings us up to date

Daily Tarot Card: The Eight of Swords is a card that warns of restriction and entrapment, painful bonds that stifle and cut against our struggle to escape. Arrogance and might cannot free us from the restrictions of our current circumstances, but still there is hope and movement in this card as well - the possibility of seeking help from others, and of calming ourselves, seeking our still center and breathing deeply, reconnecting with the freedom within us that nothing can hinder or steal. We might think of the Eight of Swords as a kind of Chinese Finger Trap: the more we struggle and try to force a change in our circumstances, the more we become entrenched in unhelpful and unhealthy thought patterns and behavioral habits. But by remembering that we are still free and able to seek out those who can give us aid, we can calmly and gently take just the right action, using exactly the appropriate amount of effort and energy needed.

Daily Diary

Days of Note: DOTR Alban Arthuan ritual celebration, formal dedication as an aspirant with the Order

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:38am - 4:55pm
Moon: *waxing gibbous, taurus (earth/fixed)
Earth: very cold all day, though fairly sunny except a few scattered clouds

Thoughts: mostly my thoughts centered around Emily's latest issue (sitting the kids down to tell them Jeff and I are liars who were asking her to lie, and then calling Jeff on the phone to let him know) and how to deal with it, what to say to the kids and how it would play out over this weekend; also some focus on the DOTR ritual tonight taking place down in Georgia, and Bob's suggestion that I spend some time in meditation while the ritual was going on in order to connect with the energies and intentions raised to formally welcome me as an aspirant into the Order

Actions: several hours of contractor work today (at both the library and back home); swinging by the store to pick up some supplies that they didn't have at the other grocery store last night (for instance, cranberries for the garlands for the birds); wrote an email response to Emily and Jeremy after hearing from Jeff about this latest development; after I finished work for the day, Jeff and I sat down with each of the kids in turn and had conversations with them about what it was Emily told them and what they thought of the whole thing, giving them a chance to ask us questions and raise concerns; during dinner prep, took some time to check how the crafts turned out (still not as good as I was expecting and I can't figure out why); then conversation over dinner with the kids; spent time in meditation and divination during a ritual to connect with and honor DOTR's Mother Grove doing their Alban Arthuan ritual tonight and welcoming me and a few others as aspirants to the Order, plus a few people who've completed the Nine Lessons and become full members

Connections: an emotionally exhausting day, and I simply don't know what to think of our conversations with the kids about Emily's behavior; I think the three younger kids understood why we hadn't told them about our arguments with Emily before, and forgave us for our good intentions in trying to protect them from problems that weren't theirs to solve; Savanah - I don't know, she's becoming ever more the adolescent and has both a reticence and an edge to her that, combined, can really put a person on the defensive if they're not careful; she seemed to be both more demanding of us in terms of explanations, and quicker to try to justify Emily's behavior, though often it seemed simply for the sake of argument and not necessarily because she agreed with Emily; personally, I want to try to trust Savanah to be kind and considerate in her evaluations of Jeff and myself, and to try to see things from our perspective, but she certainly seems to be at that age when everything is a battle - of wits, or humor, or reason - and everything demands a quick, simple answer or she simply loses patience; so I'm left not knowing what her opinion is of the entire situation, or if she took it seriously at all (she seemed more interested in teasing the cat during our conversation and refused to sit up next to Jeff and I on the bed and talk to us face to face); I was joking about teens being hard - I didn't think I'd be getting the brunt of it; when did life become so difficult? being part of a divorced family is much rougher than I anticipated

Daily Tarot Card: The Six of Swords again, a card of difficult transitions and journeys, a weariness of the heart and soul that leaves us feeling drained and weak. We are borne across the troubled waters towards a new horizon and a fresh beginning, with a promise of new hopes and renewed energy. The process, the journey itself, may be one of joy and comfort in which we can take strength, readying for the new beginnings promised to us. Yet worries, anxieties and unhealthy thought patterns may linger and we may find ourselves repeating the same old tiresome patterns as before, and carrying the same burdens. Will we carry these troubles into the future with us? Or will we hold them loosely, gently, and willingly release them as we journey onwards, leaving our troubles behind us?

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:37am - 4:55pm
Moon: waxing gibbous, taurus (earth/fixed)
Earth: cold, in the low 20s all day, cloudy with some snow flurries in the evening

Thoughts: trolls on the blog bitching at me for posting the "long goodbye" series explaining why I'm deciding not to blog anymore, demanding why I'm "making such a big deal of it"; the nature of bias when it comes to science v. the humanities, math v. art, and the assumption of superiority in the methods of scientific quantification and measurement, as if this is the only way we can know anything; why is the winter holiday season so difficult this year? I really can't get into it at all, the house isn't decorated and I am hardly even looking forward to gift exchange when usually I absolutely love picking out presents and wrapping them up all wonderfully and all of that...

Actions: wrote up a to-do list to make it through today; dealt with trollish commenters by turning comments off on the blog; very brief walk in the woods after breakfast; prepped more card stock for one last attempt at the Christmas gift crafts; tweaked GIMP images for the crafts; sanded and drilled and prepared the kids chosen bits for their craft project this weekend; watched an episode of the Daily Show with Jeff over lunch about the disgusting behavior of Congress, which won't pass health care for 9/11 first responders; got in a good solid chunk of time doing contractor work (figured out a new system that I think will improve my efficiency a little bit); stopped by the bank; reserved our hotel room for during our stay in Lancaster; made a trip to the pet store for Cu's Solstice present; went to the grocery store to stock up on food for a week with the kids; wrapped a bunch of presents when we got home and finished up the craft projects (just have to let dry overnight, but I'm feeling good about this latest attempt)

Connections: Jeff says the planets and moon are doing some wonky shit right around the lunar eclipse on the solstice, forming a huge cross in the sky that, on the west coast, will be perfectly aligned to the horizon when the eclipse happens; I'm just feeling generally exhausted and not exactly up for five days of the kids, so I'm thinking I'll be escaping to the library or café at least a few times this week in order to get some work done and just relax a bit

Daily Tarot Card: The Ace of Cups again, and I am impatient for something new, as I don't know what this card might mean today - a gift, or a warning, or perhaps it is irrelevant? A card of new beginnings, the first ripple in the pond, the first overflowing of the wellspring of imagination, emotion, intuition and subconscious mind that may become a river seeking its way to the ocean. I draw again and pull the Six of Swords, a card of journey and transition as a new cycle begins. Borne by the swift passage to a new place, the problems of the world that have worried us seem small and less important, yet if we are not careful we may find that we carry them along with us, old thought patterns and stresses that will influence the new cycle that is beginning. Perhaps, instead, this card is an invitation to find comfort, peace and strength in the transition itself, the process of change and flux that can so often leave us exhausted, drained and weak. Can this journey give us a sense of release and renewal, if we let it?

Daily Diary

Sun: scorpio (water/fixed), 7:05am - 5:04pm
Moon: waxing gibbous, pisces (water/mutable)
Earth: overcast, steady 50s, slight chance of rain today (towards the end of my meditation, the rain started)

Thoughts: for the second night in a row, woke up around 3am feeling very wound up, full of energy and excitement and happiness (not exactly sure what this is due to, but I suspect it has to do with the meditative work I've been doing and the work with Brigid, Lady of the Forge Fire, Maker of the Stars); this morning, worrying about why Jerilynn has gotten into the habit of lying, worrying why Josh continues to be obnoxious and rough and obstinate; not sure how to handle dealing with Emily and her extreme blindness to her own self-indulgence (this is a woman we know tends to lie to herself and exaggerate the facts in order to get her own way and avoid confronting difficult or unpleasant tasks — yet according to the kids who overheard her talking with Jeremy, they're convinced Jerilynn isn't getting her bad habit of lying from them... seriously? seriously?); I know these kids are good kids, so part of me wants to just concentrate on setting a good example and reinforcing to them the importance of honesty and integrity.... and hope it turns out all right; really, I should write a "memoirs of an evil step-mother" book

Actions: yoga this morning, followed by meditation; possibility of going to Phipps, but I'm inclined to bow out this Sunday and hang around the house; if Savanah is feeling too sick to go to Phipps, that way the others can still go and she and I can stay home and chill; a nice, quiet, gray day to read, I think, and maybe do some meditation work for the upcoming Brigid full moon ritual (or catch up on DOTR stuff, writing up about my Lesson 2: Earth work); not sure if Savanah will be up for a lesson this week or not, we'll see

Connections: just a lot of worrying about things that I don't feel I have much control over, honestly; as usual, feeling like Emily is just another child we're expected to look out for and compensate for... but I already know this attitude is not a healthy one, so I'm trying to keep my focus on the kids and engaging with them with authenticity and love, that will make the most difference (Savanah did tell me that after my comment last weekend, she noticed the kids talking about how awesome it is at our house and she realized that it might bother her mom, so it's really good to see her already growing in awareness of how her behavior potentially affects others)

Daily Tarot Card: The Five of Swords warns against an arrogant and isolationist attitude which seeks out conflict in order to defeat others and promote one's own agenda. Yet, every conflict has both the victor and the defeated, and the dejection of the defeated can devolve into insecurity and stubborn regression to earlier forms of stability and security that may no longer be appropriate or healthy. The number five is a number of connection, and even this negative relationship between arrogant victor and dejected loser is a relationship that affects both, binding them together.

(My note: This card echoes the warning in my own heart not to let my arrogance towards Emily lead to an unhealthy relationship simply because I would prefer to seek out conflict and so "prove myself." In some ways, I might be both defeated and victor here — where does my own insecurity and need to "win" come from, if not from her past disrespectful treatment of me? Yet to continue to seek out strife only guarantees future conflict and increased insecurity and stubbornness on both our parts. I am in a position of strength here, I can afford to show compassion and patience, instead of annoyance and disdain. I need to work on this. It's not enough to be able to restrain my words when the kids are around; I need to feel in my heart a compassion and understanding for her so that my words will remain both kind and sincere. I need to seek the integrity of compassion and an acknowledgement that my actions will have repercussions not just for the kids, but for Emily, too.)