Storyteller Spread Day 9: Treasure and Home

I'm on Day 9 of using Dianne Sylvan's Storyteller spread, today pulling the card for the ninth and tenth positions, representing The Treasure and Home.

The position held by Card 9 represents the Treasure, that which the Key (Card 8) unlocks, the outcome of the quest and the final reward for the challenges faced and overcome. Card 10 represents Home - the hero's journey has come to an end, and this last card represents how she will integrate her new skills and gifts into her life and bring them back home (or perhaps, move on to another adventure).

For the Treasure, I drew the Three of Swords - a card of heartbreak and betrayal, although there may also be some suggestion of a willing sacrifice. This card is not a final state, but a transition - the number three is a first manifestation or expression that arises from the tension and duality of two - and so this pierced heart (in this deck symbolized by a swan pierced by three swords) is not a permanent state of brokenness but a step along the continuing journey.

I was a bit surprised and discouraged to see this card - almost always interpreted as pretty straight-forwardly negative - in the position of the Treasure, although it certainly seems in keeping with the Four of Cups in the position of the Key. My immediate reaction was to think that this whole process, this quest, would just end in disappointment, betrayal and heartbreak. But the card also reminds me of the concept of the raw and exposed heart - the tender heart that is so exposed and so intimate with all things that it feels not just intense joy but also immense sorrow. This is a state of utter openness to the world, a deep vulnerability. Though it might not be the kind of reward I was hoping for, many of the other cards in the spread (which speak of finding balance between conscious and unconscious, between will and soul) seem to be leading up to this point. Even in the top row of cards (Cards 3, 6 and 9) there seems to be a progression, with Card 3, the Pack (the skills and assets the hero begins with) being the Eight of Swords, also depicting a swan pierced by swords and trapped by thorns. Card 6, which is itself the Sword (the unexpected gift or strength the hero discovers within herself that helps her defeat the Dragon in Card 7), is Temperance, which is an evolution of the calmness and hope counseled in Card 3. In this sense, the Three of Swords in Card 9 is a natural evolution, a heart that is willingly bared and raw, in which the swan no longer struggles against the blades. If you think of swords as a symbol of communication and intellect, this may even suggest a process by which cultivating centered temperance gives me a more "penetrating" insight into the realm of the heart/emotions/unconscious, or perhaps allows me to communicate about that realm more effectively in a way that touches others.

The two supporting cards I pulled for Card 9 were the Tower and the Hermit. Again, both major arcana cards supporting a minor arcana card. In the Tower, there is a suggestion that what has been built up in the past will come crashing down and the world will turn upside-down - and the Hermit certainly suggestions a time of leaving behind the life you've known before and journeying into the wild in search of truth and guidance. I'm not sure I have any deep thoughts on these cards - perhaps time will tell.

For Card 10, Home, I drew Death. Yeah, that's right.

So returning home to integrate these new gifts and skills into ordinary life will be a deeply, fundamentally transformative experience in which I literally die to my old self. .....Yay. Although I can't feel too bad about that (the imagery and artistry of the Death card in this deck, which depicts a phoenix triumphant, is so beautiful it's hard to feel bad about drawing it), part of me is not exactly thrilled that I'm going to face yet another transformative, (r)evolutionary transition or experience. (I think I've written about this before - about how sometimes I get sick of always have to evolve and transform with these spiritual or metaphorical deaths - but I guess that's Pluto's influence in me.)

The two supporting cards for this final drawing are: the King of Wands and the Seven of Wands. So once again, it seems clear that this is related to my projects and initiatives, and probably in particular my podcast work and my work as a volunteer naturalist. The King of Wands is a powerful figure who holds a great fiery energy in careful check, curved around himself like wings. He is a figure of clear sovereignty and power, but also of charisma and active initiative, although all of this is expressed through structure and order. The Seven of Wands is also a fairly position card (at least in this deck), depicting a mother fox protecting her young in an act of selfless courage - it is a card that symbolizes standing up for what you believe in and fighting for what you care about, and finding without yourself the courage and faith to overcome all obstacles even in the face of discouragement and competition. The fact that the artist specifically mentions faith is not necessarily a coincidence, I think.

I'm feeling somewhat bewildered by these intense cards and not sure exactly how to interpret them (though part of me keeps wondering just how much my daily drawings are influenced by my own moods and energies on a given day - since in the past couple days my period has started and my mood has, as usual, become somewhat worn and stretched thin (like butter over too much bread). Perhaps it would be helpful to revisit this spread at some point later, drawing all ten cards during the same session to see what insights they might yield.

I also want to experiment with a new spread Jeff has discovered in the book that accompanied his new steampunk tarot deck - one in which you rearrange the spread as you go and use the cards like interlocking gears to explore alternative outcomes and how to get there. Half divination, half magical working. I'd be curious about exploring that.

I also want to know what Jeff plans to do as his final "wrap-up" ritual as part of this spiritual work. I'd like to do something for myself, but I think I'll need at least a few days to ponder it and come up with something.

* I should add - Google has updated the Blogger UI and managed to make it suck even harder in a pretty profound way (like, f'ex, not automatically inserting paragraph breaks in the html, and also generally just making the dashboard hard to navigate with WAY TOO MUCH WHITE SPACE and, bizarrely, no bottom margin so that I'm literally typing at the very bottom of my screen with no way to scroll). So.... yeah. Good job, Google. What the fuck? Do you have a lot of self-hatred or something? Are you trying to fail? Are you trying to make people not like you? ::headdesk::

Saturn Return: Weekly Meditation (Crossing Ascendent)

Days of Note: Saturn crosses Ascendent

Sun: sagittarius (mutable fire), 7:26 AM - 4:54 PM
Moon: *waxing gibbous, aries (cardinal fire)
Earth: cold, in the mid-to-low 40s most of the day, starting out quite sunny but then fading to gray, cloudy weather; not that I would know, as I spent pretty much all day inside working on various things, but mostly writing


Last night I had a dream that my aunt Tricia, who works from home as a baker of wonderful homemade cakes, cookies and pies, etc., had decided that she wanted to quit baking and go into taxidermy. (Apparently, this dream was probably inspired by a scene from an episode of X-Files that Jeff and I watched together last night, which I was only half paying attention to at the time and must have gotten into my subconscious.) Anyway, in the dream, my aunt decided she really wanted to be a taxidermist, she was fascinated by it. But the only tools she knew how to use were things like blenders and egg beaters. I have some vague visual impression in my mind of some poor animal carcass being tamped down into the thin, tapering container of a blender, the lid fitted on nicely and the switch flipped, resulting in that lovely whirring and the spinning of blood and bone and fur and bits all into a uniform pinkish paste.

This might not have anything to do with anything, but I thought I would jot it down.

I started writing this journal entry at 11:11 PM, though I doubt I'll be finished with it until what is technically Sunday morning. I'm wide awake and not feeling the least bit tired - which is indicative of my sleep schedule these days, where sometimes I feel so lethargic I can't pull myself out of bed before 10 AM, and other days I'm awake before dawn (which, as dark as the days are, isn't really that hard anyway) with plenty of energy to spare. This morning, I woke up at around 5 AM and tossed and turned a bit before finally giving up and getting up entirely at about 6:30 AM. Jeff had to leave to get the kids, and I fell back asleep for another few hours, so I suppose it all evened out. We'll see how I am tomorrow morning. (Jeff, who slept downstairs on the futon because he'd been snoring a lot lately, hardly slept at all last night because of various worries about this weekend, so now he's excused and sound asleep despite me still being awake.)

I hadn't planned to do much work today - or rather, I'd planned to at least try to clean and organize the basement some in preparation for our up-coming move. But two of the four kids were sick with some kind of stomach bug (which had them on a bland diet of food, though neither of them really acted all that sick - it was a nice excuse for everyone to stay quiet and relaxed in bed reading or drawing for much of the day), so thoughts of trying to organize some kind of cleaning extravaganza were out. At one point I sat down to check out John's recent post on No Unsacred Place, which was excellent as usual, and that was the kick in the ass I needed to sit down and work on the piece I'd wanted to do for this coming week about the recent news coming out of the science journals about LUCA, the Last Universal Common Ancestor, being a single, planet-sized mega-organism very similar to a "living ocean" of genetic soup. A pretty cool concept. So I spent all day researching various creation myths from different cultures and drawing comparisons between these and the scientific evidence they have for LUCA, pointing out some of the common themes of primordial chaotic waters, a moment when separation and individuation begins to occur, and the idea of a god being dismembered and the parts of his (or her) corpse being used to actually make the world.

So even though I didn't have any time really to do some formal Saturn Return meditation as I'd planned, I ended up doing quite a bit of contemplation on some of those primordial ancient themes about dissolution, death, separation, limitation and the power of form. Some of the Greek myths actually involve Kronos/Saturn himself, so... there's that.

I find myself really connecting to this idea of a common genetic ancestor in the ancient primordial oceans as a living being that is both an ancestor and a god(dess). This just really jives for me. It works well with my more animistic sensibilities which can sometimes shy away from being overly metaphorical or psychological about the gods and would rather rejoice in and celebrate the Actual Sun Right There See There It Is than in some idea of a sun deity in the abstract. On the other hand, though, it also gives some context to Manannan as a "son of the sea" without having to bear the burden of being the literal sea itself. Manannan mac LUCA, perhaps. Manannan has continued to be an important god to me, and I think I've reconciled myself to just him and Brighid for the time being as a working pair who play nicely together. Manannan is a god of the threshold, the liminal space of the mists, the psychopomp who leads the dead into the other realm, the trickster who will turn things upside-down just for the sake of teasing and challenging. I think there are definitely some parallels here between Manannan (and Manawydan from Welsh mythology) and the figure of Saturn. And strangely enough, while I think of Saturn primarily as a planet and, after that, as some kind of psychological archetype and energetic influence, I find it a lot easier to think of Manannan as an actual god, personified, and able to help me with the Saturn Return. I have no sense that he is Kronos/Saturn, any more than Jeff is, say, Commander Samuel Vimes. But the "real" god Manannan has some understanding of the character/nature/influence of the psychological archetype of Saturn and can give me some insight - like we can have a discussion about it and share our perspectives, in the same way Jeff and I can talk about the characters in Pratchett's books and he can give me insight into what it's like to be a father, something I wouldn't know as much about.

One thing that I was reflecting on just now while I was reading and trying to fall asleep was the nature of Saturn's recent transit through my twelfth house in Libra, the sign and house of my natal moon. I think it was Arroyo who said that Saturn can have a lasting influence when passing through the sign and house of the moon, even when it's not in exact or close aspect to the moon itself. I don't remember precisely when transiting Saturn was exactly conjunct my natal moon, but I do know that the moon is associated with a lot of "mommy issues" - coming to terms with the mother's influence in the family and the inner archetype of the mother in the psyche, as well as grappling with ancestral influences of all kinds that have been "inherited" on the psychic or psychological level. With my moon in Libra, I wonder if I have a particular sensitivity to concepts of fairness, justice, balance and beauty being manifested in the role of the mother - whether by myself or by other "mothers" in my life.

Saturn has been transiting my twelfth house for about two years now, I think. It's soon to cross my ascendent and enter my first house. In fact, looking up my chart just now (at 11:48 PM on Saturday, December 3) I see that transiting Saturn is within 13 minutes of my ascendent and the cusp of my first house. So... maybe that's why I'm suddenly feeling a certain amount of energy and clarity around these issues.

Anyway, as I was lying in bed I suddenly saw all the various ways in which the energy and influence of the mother had been manifesting in my life in ways that provoked my anger or frustration over a sense of violated fairness or justice - in particular in my relationship with Jeff's ex-wife and biological mother to my stepchildren, who has consistently attempted to act in the role of controlling "Mama Bear" figure to both me and Jeff as well as the kids. It hit me that I had been grappling with two issues that were often put at odds with one another.

On the one hand, I wanted things to be Fair - both in the sense of being just and balanced, and also beautiful and harmonious. This led me to a lot of conflict on Jeff's behalf when I felt that his rights as a father were being trampled on or ignored, when he didn't get "his fair share" of time with the kids (even when him having more time with them, and the struggle to get and keep that time that was often involved, left both of us feeling worn out, exhausted and stressed). I also made a lot of judgements - emotionally and ethically - about Emily choosing to stay home and be a "mom," even going on to have another child with her new husband, instead of stepping up to be an "equal partner" in both the divorce (by pulling her weight with joint debt from the previous marriage) and in her own new marriage (which, I will be the first to admit, is none of my business, though I sure do have opinions about it). This judgement - and I won't say it was judgmental necessarily, but it was a judgement, certainly - often had me worrying about the kind of example she was setting for the kids, and my own response was to push back - to balance out her example by becoming even more ambitious (Saturn!) in my own role not as a stepmom but as a "career woman" and female adult role model to the kids. This was me pushing back against the figure of the mother - both in external form and my own potential role - and seeking instead another kind of authority. That has Saturn's influence written all over it.

On the other hand, I also had already learned the lesson - which Saturn had helped teach me before - that to find a harmonious balance it is often important to let go, to release certain emotional blockages or stubborn opinions and to give up being the kind of person who has to control every little thing to make sure it all comes out alright. This was a lesson that I actually learned from my own mother, by bad example. Seeking too much control in a world that is by its very nature so much bigger and more complex than you could ever possibly understand is the very recipe for out of control stress and paranoia. This is what happened to my mother to some extent (though I have to admit that in recent years, perhaps because of the change in her career and my brother and I no longer living at home, she does seem to be improving on this in small ways). The whole thing was, in fact, a lesson all about boundaries and limits (hello again, Saturn old friend!), learning to understand the extent of your own control and when not to push beyond them but instead accept them and trust in the greater harmonies of the universe (there's Saturn, straddling that liminal space between the concrete manifestations of the inner planets and the influences of fate and cosmic force of the outer planets). This was a lesson I knew very well, and something that I continued to affirm to myself consciously. But I was completely piss-poor at actually following through and listening to my own better judgement.

So here were two urges that were definitely working at odds to one another. The urge on the one hand to make sure things were fair and just and balanced - and the desire on the other hand not to become like my own mother and like Jeff's ex-wife, both of whom were excellent examples of the immaturity and stress that characterizes a "control freak" who uses their good intentions to justify their paranoid manipulations and micro-management of everyone around them (essentially being a "mother" to everyone and not being able to trust others to do what's fair or harmonious on their own). Confronted with the glaring evidence that Jeff's ex-wife had no interest in being fair - I think mainly simply because she was incapable of stepping outside of her own perspective in order to see how what she wanted was unfair - it was an incredible challenge for me not to respond by trying to control her.

My response, and something I had to work on with Jeff a lot, was a process of affirming our personal boundaries. It took a lot of push-back and a great deal of stress and hard work every time we were confronted with Emily's tendency to act entitled to private information about our lives that were none of her business or to bombard Jeff with unsolicited emails full of advice about issues of which she had little to no actual knowledge. We worked hard, as a couple and equal partners in the matter, to help each cope with that stress and reaffirm our right to establish clear, healthy boundaries. But mostly, it sucked. I've been getting down on myself a lot over the past couple years about my feelings of having failed at this work, or at least of having responded in ways that were not helpful or healthy. And definitely there were times when our attempts to establish strong boundaries crossed the line into an attempt to control or compensate for Emily's disrespectful or manipulative behavior. But looking back now, I actually feel like we did an okay job. One recent change came about when I broke down and asked some folks on an internet forum if they had any resources that might help. One person responded and pointed me to the "Ten Commandments for Low-Contact Parallel Parenting with High-Drama Ex's." (The idea of having a short, authoritative list of simple rules to follow.... yeah, Saturn, you bet.) Jeff and I read this over, saw a lot of ways that we were already following the techniques suggested and a lot of other places where we could improve. So we started following the rules, and we sent a copy of them to Emily asking her to abide by them as well. (This was after we caught her in a bald-faced lie about one of the kids' health issues, which for us was the final straw and, in some ways, a relief that her manipulation could no longer be denied or explained away.... though of course, that didn't stop her from trying.)

That was about two months ago now, I think. Today, Jeremy confronted Jeff when he went to pick up the kids to let him know that two of them weren't feeling well - and for good measure threw in his own two cents about how "this silent treatment isn't having the effect we [Jeff and I] were hoping it would have." The comment had Jeff fuming when he got home, but he and I talked about it and were able to laugh off the continued arrogance and immaturity. I pointed out to him that our stress has definitely gone down and we don't waste nearly as much time in pointless conflict with Emily; meanwhile, we have more energy when we do have the kids and less anxiety over every little issue that might somehow make its way back to us, so our time with them is more enjoyable than it was before. Whatever Jeremy and Emily think, the technique is most definitely doing what we'd hoped it would do on our end. Jeremy simply declaring that it wasn't working - without asking Jeff's feelings on the matter - was just one more example of why the Low-Contact Parenting techniques were a good idea after all.

One of the things that I think was most helpful about the Low-Contact Parenting was that it helped us to recognize when we were crossing the line from "affirming healthy boundaries" to "pushing back and trying to control others." With rules that restrict our email use to only short messages pertaining specifically to the kids themselves and that avoid intentionally provocative language, for instance, we're forced to catch ourselves before we shoot off that obnoxious letter that we secretly hope will smack Emily back into her place and divest her of any delusions she has about our opinion. The rules work because they ask us to turn a critical eye back onto our own behavior and to recognize when we're demanding something that we should probably just not expect given what is and is not within our reasonable ability to control. These rules give us a structure whereby we can learn how to find a balance between our sense of fairness and our need to appreciate our limits. (And I'm using "we" a lot here because it's something Jeff and I have mostly worked on together, but in many ways this is a lot about my own issues.) But all of this only came after we had done the difficult work of establishing boundaries that could safely secure at least a minimum amount of real fairness and equality between Jeff and his ex when it came to the kids - including giving us the legal ground to stand on in order to negotiate for a fair and workable schedule for child custody after our move. If we hadn't done that necessary work of pushing back and establishing boundaries first - especially in Jeff's case, I think - we would have been in a position where an attitude of "it's out of our control" would have left us open to manipulation, exploitation and a certain amount of guilt.

So here I was being hard on myself about how we handled it when, looking back, maybe we did pretty much the best we could given the circumstances. We weren't perfect, but I think we've found some long-term sustainable ways to find that necessary balance and we were able to bring our more unseemly responses into check before they got out of hand and went too far. At least, right now I'm feeling hopeful and optimistic and so that's my present understanding of the situation. I'd love to hear what Jeff thinks of all of this. (He's asleep now - maybe I'll have a chance to talk to him tomorrow about it at some point.) I'm sure his perspective will be a bit different, considering the influences going on in his own chart right now. And maybe I'm completely wrong about this - I'm kind of making it up as I go, really, and he knows more about astrology than I do.

In any case, what began as a day spent contemplating the "primordial mother ocean" has ended up with some pretty startling thoughts about the energies of the moon-as-mother in relation to my Saturn Return. Perhaps leaving the twelfth house and crossing the ascendent means that these issues are be resolved, maybe "coming to light" in a more conscious way now that I'm moving out of the house of mystery and mysticism. I don't know. I hope so. I think it must be a good sign that I just happen to be awake and thinking about this during the time when transiting Saturn is coming into exact aspect with my ascendent. That has to mean something, right? Like my willingness to be awake to this and open to it, to face it instead of just wanting to "go back to sleep" and ignore the lessons. I hope Manannan can help me stay open to the lessons I need to learn, and in the meantime help me to maybe not be quite so hard on myself if things seem like a struggle or I have to work hard. I think it's a really important insight, that coming to terms with our boundaries and limitations (Saturn) is also about learning how to trust in the greater universe. I just read an old tale about Manannan that someone randomly posted online the other day, about a shepherd who is on his way home with his sheep one evening when he runs into Manannan, who teases him about his certainty of the way and pulls down a confusing mist that shrouds his eyes and makes him lose his sheep. After bumbling about in the dark mists all night, Manannan finally relents and lifts the mist, for the shepherd to find that he was only a few yards from home with all his sheep safe and accounted for by his side - and Manannan joking that sometimes he just likes to play a prank for the joy of it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in a similar position - stumbling around in the mist all night only to finally realize once the veil lifts away that I've been close to home all along and in no real danger. But I also have to wonder if maybe, if I didn't bumbled around quite so much and fret quite so loudly (and maybe sometimes comically), if Manannan wouldn't consider me quite so worth his attention. ;)

So with that thought, I'll call it a night.

Diary - Flamekeeping

Days of Note: Flamekeeping starts at sundown, Full Claim Song Moon

Sun: leo (fixed fire), 6:28 AM - 8:22 PM
Moon: *full moon, aquarius (fixed air)
Earth: perfect day of nearly cloudless clear skies and gentle sunlight, a relief from the heat and humidity of recent weeks, almost a hint of the autumn weather to come next month and later


At around 4:30 PM this afternoon, Jeff ended work early to go for an extended walk through the woods. The last couple days have been blissfully gorgeous weather, the sunlight golden and the air gentle and cool, lightened from the heat and humidity that have been weighing it down so much in recent weeks. Unfortunately, pain in my legs due to stress (and possibly low vitamins) have kept me sleepless for about three or four nights running now, and this morning I was overwhelmed with worries about the wedding next month and was awake at 5 AM sobbing and angry, so the day began roughly and I was still feeling utterly drained and unfocused even by the afternoon.

Our walk seemed to help that a great deal. We went for a very long walk through Frick Park, down the Upper Riverview Trail, then the Falls Ravine Trail, then left up what I think is called Biddle Trail that passes underneath Forbes and comes out at the far northern end of the park. We went all this way, then turned and followed the wide road that wound down again into the cemetery. Just as we were entering the cemetery - towards the back end, where huge fields of military graves marked with small, sun- and rain-faded flags and sometimes flowers meet up with the edge of the woods - we were stopped in our tracks by four, and then five young bucks moving cautiously out of the underbrush of the wood and into the open fields among the graves to graze in the shade of a large oak tree. They were only twenty or thirty yards from us, and we approached cautiously and sat down in the grass by the side of the road to watch. We must have sat there for a good half-hour as they grazed, every once in a while looking up at us with curiosity, sometimes one or two of them even approaching a bit closer, as though they were trying to figure us out. Jeff and I sat there quietly watching them, trying not to move too much. I thought of how the people in those graves, their bodies were decomposing and going back into the soil, and that soil nourished the grasses that now these deer were feeding on - and the deer so young, five young bucks moving together, there antlers still growing and soft with the sensitive velvet full of blood vessels and nerve endings that make them too fragile and delicate the spar with just yet. There must be something poetic in that.... but it was enough to sit there and watch, and to feel myself making eye contact with those graceful golden animals in the later afternoon sun as they gazed back at me.

Eventually, one of them came close enough that he must have gotten a whiff of our human smell, because suddenly he snorted and stalked back away a bit. The others perked up their ears and all gazed directly at us for a few minutes. Then the same buck snorted again, and then a third time, and haphazardly all five danced off together farther back away from the path and towards the woods again. Not in a rush, but just moving on. One turned back and came towards us several yards again in evident curiosity, but the buck who'd snorted came up behind him as though to watch or warn, and after both of them gazing at us for a minute longer to see if we would follow, both turned back and bounded after the others.

After that, we stood up again and walked on through the rest of the huge cemetery, where it felt so peaceful and empty and quiet. I guess not many people come through there - it's not like it's a park or anything, really, though it backs up to the park. I always imagined cemeteries to be gloomy and sad, but this one was peaceful and lovely, all the graves tended to, families grouped together and occasionally some large monument or beautiful statue or column among the scattered trees. We headed to dinner, then home again, at which point I started my Flamekeeping shift right around sundown.

Though I was still feeling tired (or maybe because I was feeling tired), I decided to do a full circle casting to open and close my ritual tonight. I declared peace to the four directions, then wove the circle with the three elements, then afterwards invited in the energies of the four elements and directions. I spoke the Bond of Druids or Gorsedd prayer, and then did a Three Realms working to connect to the energies of sea, sky and land. By this time, I felt deeply grounded and awake to the current running through me, and I directed that energy into my small pitcher of water, which I charged and then poured as a libation into the blue star fire bowl with the small gold floating candle in it (already lit), marking the center of the rite and opening the gateway. When I parted my hands during the last verse of the prayer to open the gateway, I could feel them buzzing with energy, and from then on during the ritual I felt this deep-pitched ringing or humming in my ears and a profound sense of presence that I haven't often felt in ritual recently. After opening the gateway, I sang my Lady of Star Fire chant as an invitation to Brighid, then hummed the other traditional folk song to her that I know (though I forget the name and can't pronounce the words in Irish Gaelic) while lighting the main Flamekeeping candle and charging up my Brighid's Cross pendant to wear.

After that, I sat in silent prayer for a while, thanking Brighid for her presence in my life and simply sitting with my gratitude. I let her know that I was stressed about the wedding, but so utterly grateful to her for her role in bringing Jeff and I together. I thanked her for all the blessings she's bestowed on me and promised to heed her lessons and do my best to work in her service, even during times when I felt cut off from her. This whole time while in prayer, I felt so close to her, as though surrounded by her embrace or protected all around by her mantle. Finally, I ended my prayers and used my Shadowscape Tarot deck to draw three cards in response to the question, "What lessons do you have for me that I might serve you better?" The cards I drew were, from left to right: Four of Cups, Six of Pentacles, Ace of Swords. (I have some initial impressions on what they might mean, but I want to ponder them more and write a bit about them tomorrow.) To end my ritual, I performed my peace meditation using the Druid Prayer for Peace, and then thanked the four directions and elements, un-wove the circle and ended the rite.

Tomorrow I plan to do some wedding related work along with Jeff - mostly, finishing writing the ceremony, weaving the handfasting cord and then blessing the cord and rings. I'll probably want to do a full ritual with cast circle for that process. I'm hoping I'll get a sounder sleep tonight, especially after such a long walk today. But right now it's getting late, so I'll wrap this up.

Diary - Birthday

Days of Note: My birthday

Sun: gemini (mutable air), 5:49am - 8:53pm
Moon: *waning gibbous, aquarius (fixed air)
Earth: humid much of the day, warm with sun every once in a while through the haze, brief but intense thunderstorms in early evening, rain like a foam-white curtain draped noisily over the landscape, pounding, and now sunset

Once again, I've been very bad at keeping up with this diary, and to be perfectly honest, I haven't done much DOTR work in the past month (despite being so hopeful). Where the month has gone already, it's hard to say! Weekends with the kids have been full and playful, and we've spent a lot more time at the park and on the playground, for which I'm thankful, not to mention the garden. Last weekend, we visited my parents for a combined birthday-slash-engagement-party-slash-wedding-shower and the kids got to meet a lot of my relatives for the first time. I think they left a good impression on them (I hope, anyway!) — in fact, in some ways I think some of my relatives were both charmed and reassured. Perhaps they'd been worried that I was stepping into a slightly dysfunctional family situation. I won't say step-parenting isn't or won't be difficult and stressful at times, but really you couldn't ask for better kids. I've been wanting to write about the party for our wedding blog for the past week, but I've also been bleeding for about seven or eight days now and it's left me incredibly drained of energy (not to mention frustrated at times). This past week was also an intense one in terms of stress about wedding plans, but —


My journaling was interrupted by Jeff and Savanah wanting to watch "The Color of Magic" movie that Jeff got from my parents for his birthday…. and now it's nearly 11 PM. So I'm calling it a night.

This is why I haven't journaled recently.

Goodnight!

Astrology of Me: Natal Chart Analysis (Part 1)

Days of Note: Full White Lady Moon

Sun: taurus (fixed earth); 6:02am - 8:31pm
Moon: *full moon, sagittarius (mutable fire)
Earth: another gray, drizzly, chilly day with steady rain for hours on end, finally clearing just before sunset this evening with layers of cloud (and a tiny bit of clear blue breaking through) transforming the sky into a tapestry of blues and grays

Based on Stephen Arroyo's Outline of Chart Interpretation

I. The Chart as a Whole

§A.1 Preponderance & Deficiencies Shown by Planets' Positions • By Sign Placement
a) Elements

• Fire - Venus in Leo; Jupiter conjunct Uranus, and Neptune in Sagittarius
• Earth - none
• Air - Sun conjunct Mars, and Mercury in Gemini; AC conjunct Saturn and Pluto, and Moon in Libra
• Water - none

b) Quadruplicity

• Cardinal - AC conjunct Saturn and Pluto, and Moon in Libra
• Fixed - Venus in Leo
• Mutable - Sun conjunct Mars, and Mercury in Gemini; Jupiter conjunct Uranus, and Neptune in Sagittarius

§A.2 Preponderance & Deficiencies Shown by Planets' Positions • By House Placement
a) Types

• Angular - AC conjunct Saturn and Pluto in 1st; Venus in 10th
• Succedent - Jupiter conjunct Uranus in 2nd; Mercury and Mars in 8th
• Cadent - Neptune in 3rd (2nd?); Sun in 9th (8th?); Moon in 12

b) Elements

• Fire - AC conjunct Saturn and Pluto in 1st; Sun in 9th (8th?)
• Earth - Jupiter conjunct Uranus in 2nd; Venus in 10th
• Air - Neptune in 3rd (2nd?)
• Water - Mercury and Mars in 8th; Moon in 12th

§B Overall Pattern of the Chart

An emphasis on Gemini (mutable air) and Sagittarius (mutable fire), with a Sun-Mars conjunction opposite Neptune and a Jupiter-Uranus conjunction opposite Mercury. Both Mercury and Jupiter fall within the signs they rule (Gemini and Sagittarius, respectively), further emphasizing the Gemini-Sagittarius opposition. Sagittarius as a fire sign is associated with cosmic or universal radiant energy expressed as passion, enthusiasm and honesty, while Gemini as an air sign expresses this cosmic energy as life-energy and is concerned primarily with the realm of archetypes or ideas, the patterns "behind" the physical world. Both signs have a mutable quality, correlated to change, flux and flexibility (and can be conceived as spiral energy patterns, according to Arroyo). Sue Tompkins, in her text Aspects in Astrology, describes the Gemini-Sagittarius opposition as being a tension between the archetypal student (Gemini) eager for knowledge and the wise teacher (Sagittarius) as the keeper of that knowledge. (She also compares this pair to the Fool and Judgement (or Justice?) tarot cards, respectively, expressing a tension between a youthful and inquisitive innocence and a concern for wisdom, morality and justice.) This reflects Arroyo's understanding somewhat, as he describes Sagittarius as a sign of aspiration and drive towards ideals, while Gemini is a sign of perception, immediacy and connection (especially expressed verbally).

This suggests to me that one of the dominant patterns in my chart is this tension between, on the one hand, the sharp, perceptive mind of Gemini that leaps at the underlying patterns and connections expressed in the immediate world here-and-now (and especially wants to communicate these perceived connections) and, on the other hand, the more expansive vision of Sagittarius that can conceive of yet-unrealized ideals and pursue them with relentless, even restless passion and enthusiasm. In other words, a tension between the short view and the long view, a tension between fascination with the here-now and a passion for the future-that-could-be. At first, I don't see much in the way of conflict here, so much as complimentary passions…. But the role of Uranus (and Neptune to a lesser extent) complicates the picture. Uranus is in perfectly exact opposition with Mercury (the most exact aspect in the chart), while Neptune's opposition to the Sun is the second-most exact hard aspect (within a degree) in the chart. This brings an element of radical freedom and even chaos (Uranus) as well as a degree of self-deception or glamorization (Neptune) to the opposition. (This deserves some detailed expansion and exploration — so more of that later.)

Besides the Mutable Opposition dominating the chart, the second most obvious pattern is probably the Air Trine between Gemini and Libra (involving, for the most part, the Sun and Mars in Gemini, with Saturn and Pluto conjunct the Ascendent in Libra), along with the Moon also in Libra. Gemini and Libra also seem aligned roughly with the 8th and 12th houses, respectively, both houses ruled by water. I'm not sure what exactly this suggests and need to look into it further, but at least there seems to be an emphasis on a fairly comfortable relationship with learning and communication which may also involve an easy, flowing connection with emotion or feelings. Saturn's placement might complicate this trine somewhat, bringing a certain amount of tension or resistance to it… but again, something I want to look at more deeply later on.

Diary - Dream & Manannan

Sun: taurus (fixed earth), 6:03am - 8:30pm
Moon: *full moon, scorpio (fixed water)
Earth: gray, drizzly, rainy and cool all day

I woke up this morning (around 5 AM) from a very intense dream once again involving a sea god or man deeply connected with the sea, who I'm almost sure is Manannan.

This dream started out as similar to a dream I had a few weeks ago focused on anxiety about the upcoming wedding. In this dream, like the first wedding dream, I was stressed out about the wedding happening "too soon" and thus our wedding guests not taking it seriously — but "too soon" in the dream meant not our set wedding date in September, but right now, this instant. In the dream, I was not engaged to Jeff but to some other man. I don't think I ever saw him in the dream, but I had an impression of him being shorter and stockier than Jeff, darker in hair and complexion and rather rough and harsh. I was set to marry him "in May" (in other words, within the next few weeks), and I was somewhere resembling something like a beach house with my parents and a number of other people, some of whom were my family members and some not.

While there, I met a man and fell passionately in love with him, in the kind of deep-longing-to-be-together-but-never-really-consummating kind of way. The magnetism or connection between us was palpable, as it was in my previous dream about being mistaken for a priestess of the sea god. I felt like my heart was breaking open, but not exactly in sadness. We spent time together on the beach, and during the course of our conversations it became clear that if I tried to enter into some kind of friendship or relationship with him — even if it could not be a romantic one — this would fundamentally change my relationship with my fiancé. I wanted desperately to delay the wedding until the appropriate time (in September) so that I could spend the next months exploring my connection with this man of the sea, and I knew that if I did that, then the man I eventually married would be changed — I would not marry the dark, short, stocky man that I might marry "in May," but would instead end up marrying Jeff as I actually know him — but this was not because the person I was marrying would literally change and I would marry someone else… it was as though the darker man would somehow transform into Jeff through my relationship with the sea god.

This was all very confusing, but I knew that I wanted to explore the relationship with the mysterious man that I felt such a connection to. Still, I couldn't bring myself to let my family know or tell anyone, so I just tried to think of reasons to delay the wedding. I would meet him covertly, among other friends, as though he just happened to be a mutual acquaintance. Once, when out swimming in the ocean, he caught up to me in the deep waters where we could be alone. He said he had a gift for me, then dove down into the depths, not resurfacing for a long time. When he did finally resurface, he was pulling up from beneath the waters a huge ship, its wood creaking and spilling water from it. Friends from shore saw the boat and came out to see, so that soon everyone was clambering on board to explore (while I still stayed treading water next to him in the ocean). On one part of the deck of the ship was a hole in the boards which was covered over and seemed almost to be surrounded by dirt mounded up with bits of grass growing around it. It looked very much like a well of some kind, like you might find on land. Someone asked about it, and the sea-god-man warned them not to open it — they thought it was just a hatch down below deck, but he said (or made me to understand, at least) that it wasn't. Actually, it was a well, a kind of portal that dropped straight down into the depths of the ocean/underworld. He made me to understand that I could stay and live with him on the ship out on the ocean, but even there, I couldn't always be with him. Everyone once in a while, he would have to open the cover of the well and drop down into the very depths, where I could not follow him, and we would be parted. The notion of being parted from him was painful, but in a way that seemed like a noble sacrifice that was well worth it.

Soon after understanding the purpose of the well on the ship, I woke up.

So a great deal to mull over and contemplate in this latest dream (including the question of why I seem to be able to connect with Manannan so much better in dreams than during my ritual times with hi — or, I guess, why he chooses to show up at one time instead of another).

Part of what fed into this dream, I think, was my emotional state last night, spurred on by (yes, I'm a nerd) finally watching the Doctor Who specials from the year between the end of the fourth season and the beginning of the fifth with the 11th Doctor (that obnoxious actor guy who isn't David Tennant). David Tennant as the Doctor saw me through some pretty brutal, lonely times during those years of solitude and poverty — as well as the first few months of my budding romance with Jeff when we finally met in person for the first time (we spent several nights curled up on the futon watching Doctor Who, and then lapsing into make-out sessions while the TARDIS churned on the DVD menu screen ;). For the two or so years since then, I couldn't bring myself to watch the final episodes of Season Four (when the Doctor definitively loses both Rose and Donna, his best friend) for a second time… until just a few weeks ago when Jeff and I decided to go ahead and do it because we were going to start watching them over again with a friend of ours during a weekly "Night of Doctor Who" get together. Just last night, we watched the Special when the 10th Doctor dies. I cried like a baby. Like, we're talking sobs.

Several hours later, when we were settling into bed, I started crying again in a kind of odd mixture of sobs and laughter…. I can't describe exactly why I was crying, but it wasn't just about some silly TV show. I was remembering who I was during those years of deep, wrenching loneliness, and in some ways, I felt like I was mourning that Alison who had to live through those years. I rarely think about that time of my life these days, and my life now seems full of lots of little stresses and anxieties… and yet, now I am so amazingly happy and grateful that it's almost like I can't really allow myself to fully feel that joy, or I'd just be wandering around like a grinning idiot all the time. So there was this weird, sublime tension between my deep grief for that Alison of memory who is, in some ways, always going to be there, in that past, alone and weeping… and at the same time realizing how utterly ridiculous I was for not opening more fully to the joy of my present life. The only way I coped with those years of heartache was to embrace that loneliness and learn to grieve openly and cleanly, so that grieving became a process of healing and an affirmation of life. Now, I have so much to be grateful and joyful about… and yet I'm busy pushing myself, always striving, and beating myself up for not accomplishing more, not moving my career forward as quickly as I want to, not being as good a stepmom as I want to be, etc. All these stresses that, really, aren't that big a deal. Last night, it was as if I was again that sorrowing Alison of memory, only now I was looking forward at my life today… and laughing at how silly I can be, never cutting myself any slack or letting myself enjoy a rest. The whole metaphor of "regeneration" in the Doctor Who series, and this idea that the new Doctor is not really the same even if he has all the same memories… that's kind of what I felt like. Except, I don't want to forget the sadness and grief and loneliness of who I was before. I want to honor the lessons that sorrow and solitude taught me, and be more present to the very real joy in my life right now.

So before going to bed, I had resolved to develop some meditative/ritual practice to help me cultivate my joy and offer it as a gift, as I once did with my loneliness, to my gods and to Spirit and the Song of the World. I didn't know exactly what kind of practice this would be, but I wanted to pursue it. So it's not that much of a surprise to me that this kind of intense emotional turmoil and catharsis last night brought on dreams once again of Manannan. He always seems connected, for me, to that liminal state between sorrow and joy, grief and gratitude. The longing to be with him — and the wrenching awareness that I can't ever be, not really, not permanently — is a theme in so many relationships in my life (and one reason I think I found the Doctor so resonant and moving as a character). That I'm in a good, happy, stable relationship now doesn't really change that. In some ways, Manannan is reminding me, I think, that even with those we love, there are dark places we cannot touch and depths to which we cannot follow, and that as close as I feel to Jeff, I cannot take our relationship for granted. If I do, then the person I am marrying won't really be Jeff, but some shallower version of him more prone to my projections, more of a stranger than the man I love. But if I work to cultivate my joy and my gratitude and my love, especially in the depths where all becomes liminal and the autumn mists rise, then in the coming months my relationship with Jeff will deepen and blossom even more, and our marriage will truly be one of souls in love. I remember in the dream, understanding that it was important to wait until September, and spend time with this Man of the Sea, so that when the time came for me to marry, my marriage would blessed by the cool mists of autumn.

~

Ellen on the LotS SIG asked what I do during a "Seakeeping" shift with Manannan, so I thought I would share my response to her here.

Honestly, at this point, my practice with Manannan is still in its infancy, taking many stumbling baby-steps. My basic pattern for ritual work is the same I use for Brigid during my Cauldron Cill Flamekeeping shift. I begin my shift at sundown of the appropriate day, opening with a small, simple ritual of welcome.

For Brigid, I have prayers that I use to more fully invite her presence into my life and to charge/consecrate anew the flame pendant that I wear during my Flamekeeping shift. I light a physical candle during this ritual, even if I'll only be able to keep an LED one "burning" during the shift itself, and I pass the pendant above the flames while chanting, "Fire and Water in the Earth of my body, I keep your Sacred Flame." I don't really have a similar thing to do for Manannan, though I've been thinking for a while of finding either a shell pendant to wear, or a ring made of shell (like those hokey ones you can get at beach tourist gift shops). Instead of lighting a candle, I have a blue pitcher that I fill with water which I'll hold between my hands to charge, then pouring libation into my offering bowl (and taking a sip to honor the Spirit/god within). I do have a large whelk shell that was a gift from the sea when I was down at the beach last fall that I also bless. Afterwards, for both Flamekeeping and Seakeeping, I spend some time in meditation and prayer, maybe doing some trance work if I have the stamina for it, and usually concluding the ritual with a divination. During the next 24ish hours, I keep/carry/wear the symbol of my shift with me (and for Brigid, keep either a real or LED flame burning) as a reminder and object of focus for my shift. The next night at sundown, I do a closing ritual where I thank the god/dess for the gifts they've brought into my life, and basically do a kind of "unwinding" (for Brigid, this kind of takes the form of a metaphorical "smooring the fire" for safekeeping until my next shift).

This works very well for Brigid… but I'm finding that for Manannan, it's not jiving as well. For one thing, the metaphor of the flame or fire as something that requires tending (and then can be "smoored") means that the activity of the Flamekeeping shift is actually, well, active, even if only in a metaphorical sense. I feel like I'm actually doing something during my Flamekeeping shift, and usually my creativity feels a bit heightened. During my Seakeeping shifts, though, I've more often felt at a loss for what I was supposed to be doing… There was kind of a sense of the ocean not really being something that needs tending or "keeping," and lighting a candle just feels more active then filling a bowl with water (which will slowly evaporate over the next month, whether I pay attention to it or not). I think this may be one area where I need to rethink the Seakeeping shift and how I approach it. I'm exploring the idea of incorporating some ritual practice that's more about opening myself up to receptivity and relaxing into the presence of Manannan, and not so much about the active engagement and honoring that I do with Brigid during my Flamekeeping… if that makes sense. Some kind of ritual bath would probably be good in this case, but not always possible depending on where I am and what my schedule is.

Like I mentioned already, what I'd really like is to be able to develop some unique rituals for each of the Flamekeeping and Seakeeping shifts, particular to the energies of those deities, but then have one or two practices that I do during both that kind of connect or help to integrate them in some way. (I'm thinking, for instance, of the "Running the Iron/Pearl Pentagrams" in Feri, though I know very little about that other than their names, or the Turning the Three Cauldrons meditation that I've heard about here and there.) So that's where I'm at right now. Trying to find some kind of ritual that is simple enough and practical enough that I can actually commit to doing it regularly… but is also effective and ritually/symbolically meaningful and fitting…. So, lots to think about and experiment with.

Diary

Days of Note: Seakeeping with Manannan

Sun: pisces (water/mutable), 7:32am - 7:27pm
Moon: *waxing gibbous, leo (fire/fixed)
Earth: gray, somewhat chilly and rainy all day, though at least we seem to be safely past the snowy season, if not the morning frosts

I'm raging again tonight. Every once in a while I get into moods where everyone just strikes me as stupid and selfish and, despite my pacifism, I want to kick people in the head.

What set me off this evening was reading Rand Paul's rant about low-flow toilets. How a grown man can throw such a self-entitled tantrum that would make our eight-year-old roll his eyes, and do so as a member of an elected government.... ! Jeff insists he's just blinded by his particular ideology, to which I responded, "Well I'd like to kick him in the head so that he would be blinded by my foot in his face!" Low-flow toilets! Of all the things! Like there aren't people who use a bucket or a hole in the ground... like there aren't people in this country who do it by choice as part of their effort to live an environmentally respectful lifestyle, recycling their own byproducts through their compost toilets and giving themselves back to the earth, ensuring there will be enough clean water for the rest of us. And meanwhile, studies are rolling in that those most disproportionately affected by the climate change crisis are those who tend to contribute the least to the world's pollution — those who live impoverished and close to the land — while studies show that we Americans with our air-conditioned SUVs rumbling around the suburbs are growing increasingly less worried about climate change in recent years. It drives me nuts!

And then my cousin, who can sometimes be a bit, well, judgmental, makes a passing remark on Facebook about how as a journalist she used to hate interviewing writers because they always had such big egos. Which, even if it's not an intentional swipe at me personally, still feels like one. Like there's this whole nobility that comes with struggle and failure, like those of us who are passionate about our work shouldn't dare take pride in our accomplishments — or like working to cultivate a thriving community of "niche" readers in love with your subject matter means you're still just a "little fish in a huge sea" and shouldn't imagine that what you do is actually -laugh- important!

Then the irony hits me.

I can't fully articulate it, but there must be a lesson here, about judgement and kindness and rage and passion. And community. What strikes me over and over is how hard it is to save the world each on our own. Every effort Jeff and I make, every step we take towards a healthier lifestyle is one that we take, firstly, as a family, and secondly, as members of our local community. It would be impossible to do this if we didn't live in an urban neighborhood with stores within biking and walking distance, if we didn't have the local co-op with organic, local produce, if we didn't have restaurants nearby specializing in vegetarian and organic cuisine, if we didn't have neighbors and community volunteer programs involved with keeping the city parks clean and available, or protecting the local landscape from developers and corporations. And still, I feel like I'm not doing enough. And when I think of folks in the suburbs, I get angry. I get judgmental.

What I should probably be doing is seeking kindness, and passion. Passion will connect and grow, where rage only isolates and repulses. Kindness opens people up to the possibility that they are good enough, that a good and healthy life doesn't have to be one of desperation and frustration and struggle. There is nothing wrong with taking pride in what we do to help one another and improve the quality of life for ourselves. Harping on how hard and tiring it is to drag American culture along by its teeth into the realities of the twenty first century isn't going to win anyone over. If change and health is something that we can only find in community (with each other, and with the earth), then first we have to nurture and share those things that help to foster community: joy, laughter, kindness, generosity, and gratitude.

I can feel the rage like a physical entity in my body. When I sit for a moment and breathe, I can feel how close that rage is to love and excitement, how easy it is to change my mind about the physical sensations coursing through this meat-space of mine. In a few breaths, that energy is transformed and directed, no longer a destructive force that wants out through clenched fists and tensed muscles, but now something that I can work with, shape and direct to transform the world.

This is what daily practice is for. This is why meditation and prayer are so absolutely vital. The tools to transform rage and anger and frustration and fear — to change them from the center. To reform and redirect, to refine and renew. I can do this. I can learn to do this.

Diary Tarot Card

© Stephanie Pui-Mun Law, The Shadowscape Tarot

The King of Pentacles stands sure and steady in the center, presenting a choice or offering alternatives. A figure of stability and generosity rooted deeply in the earth, he remains grounded and humble (close to humus) even as his aspirations reach ever higher towards the sun and rain above. The choices he presents, with his wise guidance, are two alternatives, two ways of handling the energies of the earth that well up within, drawn from the roots and gathered in from the limbs.

The Nine of Wands is a choice that brings us constant vigilance and resolve, tensed with uncertainty, straining into the future and what it may hold. The lone sentinel astride his mount, poised on the cliff, already worn with previous battles and perhaps overly eager to see strife and conflict in what's to come.

The Four of Wands, on the other hand, is a choice of freedom and joy, celebration and jubilation, finding harmony and balance among our energies so that, through them, we discover our freedom and lightness of being. Lush flowers bloom below as the sun shines above, and we discover ourselves not alone, but part of a community dancing and bounding with gladness through the beauty-charged landscape.

Both these choices lead in the same direction. The center figure, the King, holds his arms out in an equal length cross from his chest, reaching towards each. But to his left, the Nine of Wands, his open hand is lost in shadow, while to his right, his open palm shines in sunlight, holding the glimmering, golden acorn, seed of great and mighty things to come. Prosperity, generosity and stability come not from the battle-weary and bitter, but from the energies of joy and gladness shared in community, which lead back to the center, back to the feet of the King himself.

Diary

Days of Note: First Quarter White Waking Moon

Sun: aquarius (air/fixed), 7:19am - 5:50pm
Moon: *first quarter, gemini (air/mutable)
Earth: just below freezing, with gentle winds and gentle sun, but still very much winter despite the first hinting stirrings of spring


Today, my second "day off" of the week, I woke up at 6:30 AM wide awake. Of course, it being still dark and Jeff being pretty much sound asleep, I didn't bother to actually get up. Still, I was full of energy and excitement about the day. Most likely because it was my "day off" and I was eager to get back to what I'd been working on my last "day off," Wedding Wednesday — which I spent, not on wedding stuff as I should have, but on taking the first steps towards designing and setting up my new website. I can become obsessive about these things. It's always been the case that a huge motivating factor for me is the appearance and packaging of a thing. That may sound shallow or superficial, but for me, part of the thrill of a beautiful piece of writing is the aesthetic pleasure of the physical book itself: the heft and weight of it, the scent of book binding glue, the neat, elegant formatting of the fonts, the cover art. And when it comes to online writing, this spills over into websites. A website can be — contrary to so much embarrassing evidence out there — elegant and beautiful and inviting, a worthy showcase of excellent work. I want my website to be like that. And so I thrill at the hours upon hours that I get to spend tweaking code and experimenting with color combinations and layout features.

When all's said and done, though, I want to be able to fill a website with awesome material. So as much as I was excited about having a day off today, I knew that I really couldn't go much further on the website design without facing the music and buckling down to some actual writing. And weirdly enough, I was dreading that. I had a restless frustration, like cabin-and/or-spring fever, that made me worry I wouldn't be able to settle down to do the creative work I wanted to do. I feel like it's been so long since I've done creative writing that really sang my soul-song. And of course, I've been feeling pressure (or, more kindly, leadings) from Brigid that I should be turning back to this work and cultivating it. Even my aspirant work with DOTR this lesson is focused on creative work and our relationship with awen, the Druid concept of inspiration, the fire-in-the-head breath of the gods. So every day I failed to write creatively, it became that much harder to have any confidence that I still had it in me.

This morning, I got in a few hours of work before lunch, and generally wasted time poking around online reading articles and blog feeds and Facebook updates that left me feeling befuddled and muddy headed. I knew I needed to give myself time and space in which to be creative, but that restlessness was keeping me from calming down. That, plus the monthly cravings for pastries and chocolate were at constant war with my commitment to the mostly-raw vegan diet Jeff and I are trying out, and the result was the weird sensation that I was... bored. Which is hard to explain. But boredom as an emotional state, and the tension of cravings for un-filling, bad-for-me food, were hardly distinguishable. So finally, in early afternoon, I decided to compromise: I had one piece of chocolate from the stash my mother sent me in a care package for Valentine's Day, and then I went downstairs and got one of my numerous How To Write Poetry workbooks (I know where they all are now, because Jeff and I have organized our bookshelves, hurrah!). I read through the introduction and the beginning of the first chapter before getting to the first exercise. Then I sat down, and I did it. I've already shared the results.

Or, at least, the product of the process. But there were other results, too. It took me hours to write that poem, hours of weighing and pushing and feeling my way through each line. Even now, I'm not sure if it's any good or not. But the process was so satisfying and restful, and something I had missed so much without even realizing it. It was work, in the best sense of the word. Not busywork to keep me churning and spinning my wheels, not time clocked or overly specific exercises leading step-by-step. It was just the work of digging and sensing and sitting quietly listening to the rhythm of each line, each word, and working my way slowly, gently, towards the poem's end. It was so satisfying, yet calming, that after dinner I felt as though I had plenty of energy and motivation, and I was eager to plunge back in. Jeff had a few hours of work left to do, since he took time out of the middle of the day to run errands before the kids come this weekend. So I buckled down to tackle some revision work I'd been meaning to do for a while.

The plan with the new website is to make it mostly a static site to showcase my writing and publications (and possibly photographs), with a blog feature incorporated to share news and smaller essays. I won't be exporting the old Meadowsweet blog into this new site, but instead I'm going ahead with my original plan to compile the best pieces from the old blog into a book to make available on Lulu (or, possibly, through a publisher, if Graeme's small publishing company will still have me). Once I began the process of selecting and compiling these pieces (which was months ago now), I realized that many of them I wanted to expand and revise, incorporating ideas that developed in the comment threads and just in general touching them up and making them more suitable for the print medium. Because I'm a perfectionist. But the task seemed so daunting, I never really got started on it.

Tonight, I sat down after dinner and began working on an expansion/revision of the first essay. It wasn't just enjoyable, it was downright fun! I felt like I was back to my old self again, revisiting the old me who was a diehard Poet-capital-P. For so long now it seems — though it can't be more than half a year at most — I've felt not so much like a writer as like.... a blogger. And I do mean that in the derogatory sense, no matter how unfair that might be. But "blogging" (as The Doctor uses it) is like chattering gossip and bickering banter about trivia and current events. I think it could be more than that, and I used to be pretty good at staying grounded in that vision of it being more than that, but my involvement with P+P has dragged me down in some ways, I think, and left me disoriented and feeling utterly drained of creative inspiration. It is so hard to take the risk of true creativity when you feel constantly under attack my insulting snipers and overly-critical know-it-alls. It's hard not to get sucked into that world, to become small. But reading back over old posts, and working on them again with this new burst of creative juices, I felt as though I were coming home to myself. I no longer had to berate myself for not doing the work I was supposed to be doing. Even if it takes a while, even if I'm not rushing off to score the instant gratification of immediate publication in a blog medium, I am doing the work, and allowing it to take however long it takes. I may end up with some material worthy of publication in magazines (though my luck there has been less than wonderful lately). Either way, I am doing the creative work I want to be doing and allowing myself to look beyond the borders of our sometimes self-involved little community of Pagans. This, I like.

So it's been a good day, and this diary entry probably reflects that. There is much to catch up on that has been going on in my life, but I'm not going to beat myself up over not doing a better job of chronicling it. That is busywork. This is creative work. I'm also not going to do the first part of the DOTR Aspirant Lesson 3 as it is written. I will not be doing daily note-taking on my plans and goals, nor doing the weird exercise of writing with one hand, then the other for a week. I suspect this last exercise is supposed to put you in touch with your more "artistic" brain, but I have far better ways of doing that on my own. Perhaps I will turn the journaling prompts into poetry-writing exercises instead and experiment with them in that way, but in general I'll be adapting the lesson to suit my needs. I'm hoping this is alright with Bob. Since he and I have known each other in one form or another for several years now, he did invite me to just join outright as a full Druid member, but I agreed to go through the lessons. In part because it's a good refresher, and in part because I wanted to understand the community sense that was developed through the lessons themselves, and in part because I hoped to be able to give Bob some feedback on the lessons themselves and ways they might be improved. We'll see how receptive he is to me blowing off the lesson plans for this month and exploring awen in my own way.



Daily Tarot Card: The King of Wands stands noble and proud, energetic and ready for action and activity. His blood flows bright and quick with passion, enthusiasm for his work, yet as the mature "yang" of the suit, he also understands the necessity of structure and order to reign his power in, harness it and shape it to his purposes. He is a figure defined by his energy and enthusiastic engagement with the world around him and the work he pursues in it. He may sometimes try to do everything at once, and for that reason to shy away from a sense of control or imposed order that might restrict him or rob him of the space his creativity needs to flourish. Yet this tension between passion and calm, creativity and order, are held delicately and deftly under his rule.

DOTR Lesson 3: Awen and Creative Work

Feeding Seagulls

I don't know how they came all that way, following the Susquehanna
into the foothills of the Appalachian mountains of central Pennsylvania,
to the empty field at the end of my street where I took my father
out beneath the high, gray winds of autumn
to show him how I called the birds to me.
It wasn't hard, I told him when he asked
about the teacher's phone call, the wasted lunches, and why
I spent each recess in the field feeding gulls instead of playing with the other
kids. But I knew he couldn't understand unless I showed him.

Again, I plucked a grape and held its slick, dark shape
between two pudgy fingers — arced my arm in one smooth and mighty toss,
shoulder loose and elbow locked, the last flick of wrist sending the fruit soaring
until it disappeared against the blurry sky.
Again and again, I swung with all the longing I could send
out of my awkward, grade school body — the silent call to come, to feast,
to circle in. For a week this had gone on, me alone in the field
throwing grapes and torn bits of white bread smeared with jelly
into the air, as one, then several, then whole flocks of seagulls
gathered wheeling and quarreling around me, each silhouette two sharp
parentheses hinged around a tight, tiny body that moved like a boat
cutting through invisible waters, lazy with its breathless speed.

My father waited. Wedged between empty field and empty sky,
the mute sting of loss was creeping in. It was too late,
or too cold, or too dim in the autumn evening. I begged for him to wait
a little longer, as I tossed higher and higher, wished to god I had brought bread
instead, and dreamed with every second how the wings had sounded
against the air, the tense emptiness of those wild pilgrims
dancing and screaming around the promised offerings as they came.
I don't know how they made it all that way, so far from the shores
where my people, too, had spilled in ragged, starving flocks
against the land and staggered towards the mountains in the west.
My father turned to walk back home. Behind us, one or two gulls,
secreted away behind the clouds, dropped down on the abandoned food.

The ocean was only a story they blamed on one another,
crying over and over how they had lost it.

Daily Diary

Sun: aquarius (air/fixed), 7:38am - 5:26pm
Moon: *waning gibbous, virgo (earth/mutable)
Earth: another bitterly cold day in the teens, bright and glinting sunlight that does not warm, and I am so sick of snow and cold

Thoughts: spent most of the morning considering the socio-political context of sanity and rationality after reading an interview with a scholar about the historical precedents for the assassination attempt in Arizona earlier this month; spent some time also considering how to rekindle my daily devotions to Brigid and recommit to that work, as well as my creative work; sadly, I found myself more than once feeling annoyed or irritated by the kids for various not-very-important reasons

Actions: got up fairly early and headed out to the café to get some work done, but ended my time updating the wedding blog and then composing a post for P+P; had a relatively lazy afternoon of "hovering," supervising the kids along with Jeff as they sorted through their books and cleaned up their room; wrote a brief email to Nathan about grad school, though I want to get in contact with him via phone or Skype in some way to discuss things more in-depth; napped before dinner, then spent time after dinner catching up in the LotS forum trying to participate in some conversation about our upcoming Imbolc ritual and what it might involve

Connections: honestly, feeling kind of groggy and disoriented since the (unintentional) nap and not very focused; somewhat frustrated throughout the day by kids being so full of questions about some things, but then entirely uninterested (sometimes it seems willfully neglectful or forgetful) about other things; also frustrated with a comment left to my P+P post that was so arbitrary and irrelevant that it was clearly meant to be hostile and disparaging rather than an attempt at actual conversation; all in all, just feeling cabin fever with the cold and the snow and feeling as though the embers of spiritual discipline are smoldering low at the moment; asking for Brigid's help in keeping them burning through these difficult, dull days before spring...

Daily Tarot Card: Judgement (XX) is a card of rebirth, renewal and new life, called forth from a state of slumber or seeming death, awakened by the clear, bright sounds of truth ringing over the world. The Song of the World beats through all beings, moving them to dance, and the truth that reawakens us is the realization that we are one with those around us, that the Earth, our mother, is an intimate part of the greater cosmos and has her place, as we do ours, in the grand patterns of meaning and purpose that spiral through galaxies. This is a card of atonement in this sense — at-one-ment, seeking right relationship with our deepest, truest selves where they touch the deep, true selves of all other beings and of the World Song itself.

Daily Diary

Sun: aquarius (air/fixed), 7:38am - 5:25pm
Moon: *waning gibbous, virgo (earth/mutable)
Earth: just... cold, all day (I'm not even kidding, it's 6º F right now), with clouds blowing in bringing glittery snow, and otherwise bright sun and gusting winds causing drifts of the snow already fallen

Thoughts: had a list of things I wanted to get done today, and make some good headway in the housework and organization department, but most of my mind was occupied today with feeling like I wasn't getting enough done, and noticing all the little ways that the kids annoy me when they fail to clean up their messes, or hide their mess and think we won't discover it (today, I found out that three of the four kids have empty boxes and packaging from toys stashed in their bureau instead of clothes, with their clothes on the floor and a pair of underwear even stuff among books on their bookshelf, where of course the books weren't put away neatly but piled in a sliding mass so that some were already ripped..... etc.); also, while doing some housework, Jeff read to me some political articles online, which just left me feeling frustrated and helpless, like I live in a country full of selfish, greedy idiots.... which may or may not be true, but I dislike how frustrated and anxious it made me feel

Actions: slept in on my "day off," went to Pamela's with Jeff for brunch, swung by the bank to deposit my most recent check; built bookshelves for downstairs, put away the Christmas decorations for another year, ironed and hemmed the curtains in the dining room, finally installed the wall sconces and curtains in the living room, changed out the curtains in the library (and took down the curtains in the kids' room until we talk to them about tugging on them and bending the curtain rods nearly in half); watched the movie The Blues Brothers with Jeff after dinner and got to talking about doing a cartoon video spoof for our wedding blog, incorporating other themes from other favorite shows and movies of ours

Connections: usually, cleaning and housework make me feel good and productive, but today seemed to involve a lot of false starts and failures (we have gaping holes in plaster on one wall now because apparently these walls are made of impenetrable super-wall in some places and you can't tell where until you try to put a nail in), not to mention long periods of dull work, like the ironing; as a result, even though I really did get a lot done, I'm feeling like I didn't get much done and this is frustrating me; I think it also extends to the politics stuff and just how disgusted I am with the whole thing, yet torn because I feel like it's somehow irresponsible or apathetic to turn my back on all of it.... yet, I'm not sure how bickering online and reading article after article about the same shit every day does any good - it's boarders on superstition to think that merely "staying informed" somehow transforms people into responsible citizens.... sigh

Daily Tarot Card: The World (XXI) is a card of wholeness and unity, connection and interconnection, relationship with the diversity of unique individual beings all dancing in harmony to the Song of the World as it moves each one in its own and proper rhythm. There is a sense of fulfillment and completion about this card, a coming into one's own as a result of hard work and growth, yet it is also a card that inevitably leads to a new beginning, a new journey in which we begin again as the Fool. This card represents a balancing of feminine and masculine aspects within ourselves that allows us to become whole without external pressures pushing us to rivalry or harshness. We take life in stride, the good and the bad, and trust the place it all has in the "bigger picture," perhaps even experiencing glimpses of this grander scheme before we move on again, through the peaks and valleys natural to life, bringing both joy and sorrow, grief and peace of mind in their beauty and balance. (My notes: I am totally not feeling this card tonight - but perhaps it is meant to be a reminder... or a promise.)

Daily Diary

Sun: aquarius (air/fixed); 7:39am - 5:23pm
Moon: **full moon, leo (fire/fixed)
Earth: much colder with snow starting in early afternoon and continuing into evening, steady and cold and gray and blah

Thoughts: started the morning by thinking about the relationship between reason and faith (especially the tradition of rationalism and secularism, and the tradition of exclusive monotheistic faith) in the history of Western society, sparked by an article Kevin sent me; also did some thinking about the myth of Cú Chulainn and the role of irony and tragedy in Celtic mythology, and why so many Pagans seem to want to take for granted a role model/infallible interpretation of the great heros of myth, justifying whatever actions they take; otherwise, spent most of today focused on work, trying to plow through; spent some time in the evening planning a to-do list for my "day off" tomorrow, chores and things to do around the house

Actions: went to Panera for the morning to get some work done (contractor work, mainly, though also spent some time reading an article that Kevin sent me); ran some errands at the grocery store and picked up a few candles before heading home for lunch; spent the afternoon plugging away at work and fighting a headache; then relaxed after dinner, poked around online

Connections: got some good thoughts in about two really interested topics, and honestly, it's nice to be able to ponder these things without the automatic instinct/urge to "write about them" in a blog; gives the ideas some room to breathe, instead of constant pressure to put on their "game face" and go out to perform and prove myself; it is also really nice to be able to plug away at simple tasks at work and accomplish something (have I mentioned that already?); now I just want this headache and stuffy nose to go away, and I'll be all set

Daily Tarot Card: The Knight of Swords is a figure of intensity, purpose, one might say single-mindedness. With sharp intellect and brutal honesty, this knight gives little credence to emotions and their role - he charges ahead, driven by his vision and his goals. He can be domineering and harsh, as well as fearless and loyal. In some circumstances, his energy and action may be exactly what's needed to cut through the red tape and charge courageously ahead. At other times, he can be callous, overbearing and prone to take or cause offense, trodding on the emotions of others without regard and sensitivity.

Daily Diary

Days of Note: Full Moon

Sun: capricorn (earth/cardinal), on the cusp of aquarius (air/fixed); 7:39am - 5:22pm
Moon: **full moon, leo (fire/fixed)
Earth: slightly colder than yesterday, gray and rainy all day with snow-mix for a little while in the afternoon

Thoughts: in the morning, mostly distracted by discomfort, so indulged in some "TV" watching while Jeff worked; also poked around some blogs, which got me thinking about Celtic mythology and the role of the hero as an epitome of warriorhood versus a role model to follow; later in the day, thinking a lot about wedding themes and Pagan aspects of ritual as I wrote the letter to our potential officiant; then also doing research into the meaning and symbolism of the woods and stones used in my engagement ring

Actions: woke up in some pain and was lazy for a good half of the day, finally feeling up to getting go by early afternoon (before that, spend time poking around on blogs); after lunch, tackling Wedding Wednesday, I printed out and took care of the caterer contract, and got that in the mail along with the few remaining Save the Date cards that I'd been unable to send out with the first round; then buckled down to writing a very lengthy email to our potential officiant, asking for details about fees to do our wedding and also talking about some of our ideas for different themes and actions we'd like to incorporate; also sent an email to the one florist we're looking at who uses a lot of local, sustainably-grown flowers for their arrangements; after dinner, spent a few more hours typing up an incredibly long (and probably overly sentimental) post about my awesome engagement ring

Connections: a pretty focused and productive day, despite the late start; feeling good about what I accomplished, but ready for a rest and a return to more mundane work tomorrow; very glad Jeff and I put our foot down about watching too much Buffy in the evenings, as it was eating up way too much time and filling us with hyper energy right before bed (it's a great show, yes, but too much of a good thing, as they say)

Daily Tarot Card: The Knight of Cups is the romantic and idealist on a quest for his dreams. His pure spirit shines with both innocence and energy, animating and churning his emotions as he pursues his desires, following the lead of his heart and imagination. As a suit connected with intuition and the unconscious, the Knight of this card seeks the mysteries of love and connection, shining with golden light and promising the fulfillment of union. However, because the knight can also be brash and over-eager, there is a certain amount of tension in this card as well, a warning of over-romanticism that stems from an irrational or unrealistic engagement with life, a carelessness about the results of our quest for our ideals and dreams. Still, his steed arises from the depths of the ocean, a unicorn born of sea foam, and he rides with ease towards that which he pursues. Over all, this card is encouraging, revealing the possibility for not only tension, but also balance between the "masculine" energies of activity and initiative and the "feminine" energies of emotion and dream.

Daily Diary

Sun: capricorn (earth/cardinal), 7:40am - 5:21pm
Moon: *full moon, cancer (water/cardinal)
Earth: slightly warmer today, in the low 40s, beginning sunny and leading into drizzle of rain this afternoon and evening

Thoughts: worn out this morning from a restless night (and Jeff snoring a bit); thoughts mostly on things to get done around the house and in general enjoying the freedom and not worrying too much about deadlines or pressure, especially when it comes to my writing

Actions: sluggish morning, after getting the contract for the wedding photographer in the mail, and spent a bit of time on the phone with my dad in the morning; spent much of the day on contractor work (which went well - some days it's easy to spend hours and hours on that work, whereas other days it just seems to drag painfully); went through Facebook and deleted a bunch of I-don't-actually-know-these-people "friends" to slim down the FB burden (already thankful for that decision); this evening, ran out to Lowes to finally get the filter for the heater in the basement and some window cling-film to help insulate the windows, hopefully; now relaxing, taking it easy

Connections: thoughts mostly on work related stuff and otherwise feeling very tired and drained (but in a happy-fuzzy fatigued way, which is nice for a change); recap from the past two days: Sunday was rough, very tired and a bit achey, did Savanah's lesson (write up on its way) and got some consultant work in, as well as extensive conversations on the phone with both Mom and Dad about wedding stuff and catching up on life; yesterday, Jeff and I took the "day off" to do cleaning and housework, made a trip out to IKEA to get those bookshelves that were a Christmas present from my parents, plus a corner shelf for the bedroom made possible by Dan's Christmas cash gift; so now yesterday and today, despite feeling very tired, also feeling very pleased with how the bedroom is looking and finally being able to set out some of my altar items and other décor pieces; last night, did a house-cleansing spell with Jeff that went simply and beautifully (using spring water, salt and rosemary, along with a "housewarming" candle we've had for more than a year, tucked away, that we got way back at Journeys); so definitely feeling the good, happy vibes there; now just hoping the filter for the heater can fix this weird smell we've been experiencing lately....

Daily Tarot Card: The Seven of Wands is a card of paradox and can be difficult to interpret. For the most part, this card symbolizes both the good and the bad that results from our actions: there is the thrill of challenge and the courage and strength to rise to those challenges and meet them with success, while at the same time, an acknowledgement that much of the strife and struggle we are encountering may have been stirred up by our own actions, choices and initiatives. This card depicts and mother fox defending her kits from an intruder: a noble and worthy cause that calls for the courage and strength to stand her ground for her beliefs and her love, yet were it not for these kits, offspring of her own (pro)creative drives and previous actions, she might have been able to avoid this confrontation altogether. A card that signifies the relationship between our actions and their effects on us: we may discover, as a result of our choices, that challenges await us and we must be on our guard and prepared for them - yet, these very challenges may help us develop our strengths and discover our courage, to build our character in response to adversity.

Daily Diary

Sun: capricorn (earth/cardinal), 7:41am - 5:18pm
Moon: *waxing gibbous, gemini (air/mutable)
Earth: gray and cold all day, some "wintery mix" among the clouds

Thoughts: started the day with a bad dream about having my arms chopped off; spent some time thinking about my "internet persona" and all those issues; overall, though, mostly focused on contractor work

Actions: in the morning, poked around online trying to put off actual work; replied to a commenter on my recent blog post over at P+P; put up some pictures on the wedding blog; when Jeff took the kids to Phipps for lunch and some fun, I buckled down to contractor work and basically spent the rest of the day hunkered down plowing through that stuff; after wrapping that up this evening after dinner, I spent about two hours finally finishing the last part of my "long goodbye" series for my Meadowsweet blog, and posted it

Connections: feeling worn out and drained, but otherwise pretty good; I do think I'm feeling a bit freer now than I was before and, with a good night's sleep, I'm hoping my optimism will be returning soon

Daily Tarot Card: The Moon (XVIII) A card of dreams, fantasies and the unconscious, the unmasking of truth as can be seen sometimes only in the half-shadowy light of the moon at night. Sometimes a card indicating anxiety and even fear, the powerful urges arising from the unconscious may be harnessed and integrated through creative and artistic work. As a card of the major arcana, there is also a hint in this card that the forces of the unconscious may well up unbidden in unexpected ways, causing an unsettled period during which emotions run high and life may seem unpredictable, strange, even eerie.

Daily Diary

Days of Note: driving to Lancaster to visit the family

Sun: capricorn (earth/cardinal), 7:41am - 4:58pm
Moon: *waning gibbous, leo (fire/fixed)
Earth: snowy and messy in Pittsburgh, clearing to bright sun in Lancaster

Thoughts: discussing fiction writing and strategy with Jeff a lot, as well as blogging as a medium and why there is so much hostility in response to critiques of the current approach to reader involvement and commenting policy (gods am I sick of this discussion); in the drive to Lancaster, discussed a bit with Jeff about feeling so much pressure to always be "go! go! go!" all the time and how it's partly connected to the kids, I think, and this idea that in order to count as an "adult" and a "real" stepmom I have to be constantly working and driving myself into the ground (or the kids themselves will demand more, simply because of the expectations of constant busyness they're used to from their mom)

Actions: up early in the morning and got on the road to Lancaster; during the drive, read Jeff the beginning of the novel manuscript I started several years ago to get his opinion on it; had a pizza lunch and hung out with the family in the afternoon (watched "Ancient Aliens" show on the History Channel and napped on the couch); then headed to Long Wood Gardens to see the lights and the conservatory, had dinner in their restaurant and then drove back home

Connections: completely wiped out and exhausted, so just hanging around was enjoyable, and Jeff and I went to be fairly early after reading a bit; again, I feel anxious (a) to indulge in some deeper thinking and analytical thought than what time is affording me at the moment and (b) to indulge in some imaginative creative writing and fiction stuff, though again, I feel under such pressure time-wise; not sure how to balance this; sometimes I want to just step away on a retreat of some kind without having the kids (un)intentionally guilt tripping me for not paying them tons of attention; yesterday, it was impossible to try to get any contractor work done without one of the kids stepping in to ask questions every ten to twenty minutes (which makes me think they don't have a very good example of a work-from-home parent who expects quiet and unbroken concentration) - which is especially odd since they came to me instead of going to Jeff, who was available and not busy trying to do something else; all in all, I'm happy to be away from all that for a few days, even if it means being here with my parents and having a different kind of stress to deal with

(Note: This post was backdated.)

Daily Diary

Sun: capricorn (earth/cardinal), 7:40am - 4:57pm
Moon: *full moon, cancer (water/cardinal)
Earth: cold, blustery, snow flurries

Thoughts: discussing issues of romanticizing poverty and mental illness in fantasy/sci-fi fiction and getting into some thoughts on writing good fiction; otherwise, mostly focused on work and trying to get everything done

Actions: work several hours in the morning and afternoon; just before and after lunch, helping the kids finish their craft project ornaments; after Jeff dropped the kids off, spending time cleaning, doing laundry, getting the house ready and packing our bags to be ready to leave

Connections: mostly my focus has been on simply getting things done and plugging away at particular tasks, or when I'm not doing that, trying to plan the best, most efficient way to accomplish everything; I worry sometimes that my brain will go soft if I don't have the time to do some deep analytical thinking in the midst of all of this....

(Note: This post was backdated.)

Daily Diary

Days of Note: Full Moon, Full Lunar Eclipse, Winter Solstice, Alban Arthuan

Sun: cusp of capricorn (earth/cardinal), 7:40am - 4:57pm, solstice, longest night
Moon: *full moon, cancer (water/cardinal), full lunar eclipse (early this morning)
Earth: cloudy this morning clearing to sunny and just below freezing

Thoughts: mostly thinking about how the kids were enjoying their solstice and what was next on the agenda; some thoughts on money, since we flubbed a bit on who was paying for what and so had to swing by the bank at one point, but feeling overall quite confident about the situation

Actions: alarm went off a 2am so that Jeff could check and see if we'd be able to see the lunar eclipse through the cloud cover, but unfortunately it was too cloudy to see anything, so we went back to bed and let the kids sleep through the night; woke the kids up around 7am to get dressed and ready to trek to the park to greet the rising sun, brought along our bird seed "ornaments" and garlands of popcorn, and hung them from the trees at the top of the hill while singing songs to the new sun; returned home to open presents - all of which were a big hit, but especially (Grandma) Lannie's big stuffed bears for everyone; after presents, we swung by the bank real quick for cash, then headed to Pamela's for a Solstice Brunch, which everyone thoroughly enjoyed; after that, we headed out to B&N for the kids to use their gift cards, along with the gift cards from Lannie last year that had been lost and then recovered, so the kids ended up being able to get tons of books and crafts that they picked out; we spent the rest of the afternoon reading and/or doing the crafts and games they'd got, or playing with their bears, or sketching with their new colored pencils and sketch pad (meanwhile, after a short nap with Jeff, I helped the kids do the next step in their ornament craft projects so they'll be ready tomorrow); early evening, we ordered pizza for a special Solstice Pizza Party (and made Josh's frozen pizza sans corn), then everyone changed into pajamas and we had our nightly reading of Lord of the Rings before finally going to bed

Connections: I'm exhausted, but I'm very glad the kids had such an excellent holiday; I really feel as though these past few days with the kids have given us a chance to "bond" (as corny as that sounds) and get to know each other better; I know we've had them for weeks at a time in the past, but often during those weeks I've had to work, whereas now I can work from home and squeeze in a few hours here and there, while still spending time with the kids during big chunks of the day (tomorrow will be a lots-of-work day for me, though, so I can get in some hours this week while still being able to take Christmas off with the family); I took lots of pictures, so eventually they'll make their way onto here

Daily Tarot Card: The Devil (XV) is a card of temptation and addiction, the pursuit of pleasures at the expense of others and the ensnarement of willing souls in the bondage of materialism and overindulgence. Yet at the same time, the instinct to self-presevation and self-protection that can lead us mistakenly into greed and defensiveness can at other times be an appropriate and necessary response that will help us survive during difficult times when otherwise our sense of self might be threatened or overwhelmed by external forces. The figure in the card hunches over and huddles cold and alone, harassed by the dancing devil above - yet the key to freedom is within reach.

(My note: I was ensure what this card had to do with anything, so I drew a clarification card, especially since I've skipped my daily tarot two nights in a row.)

The Five of Pentacles is a card of disconnection and difficulty, in some ways indicating a spiritual or possibly material poverty, and a insufficient attention to the signs and messages of both one's physical body and one's inner world of soul and heart. Indications of hope and help may go unheeded or unappreciated, though they exist all around. As in the card of The Devil, the figure in the Five of Cups sits hunched over and huddled into herself, willfully blind to the opportunities and beauties all around. Yet there is always a chance for renewal and reconnection, especially if we are willing to let go of unhealthy or unhelpful patterns, re-center ourselves and turn our attention and attending once again to the integrity of the inner and outer worlds.

(My note: I am not sure what these cards may indicate, except perhaps that I really pushed myself to the point of exhaustion today and set aside concerns of mental and physical health - like eating well - for the sake of "enjoying the holiday with the kids." I may have to meditate more on what these cards indicate, or discuss them with Jeff. Or perhaps just seek some rest and relaxation over the next few days and remember to turn my attention again to my goddess and my spiritual work.)