Just a quick note: looking again at the calendar of Saturn transits that I wrote up a while back, I see that my last onslaught of major transits (conjunctions with my ascendent, natal Saturn and Pluto, plus one parting sucker-punch square to my MC) started back on, surprise, August 18. It's going to be a rough two months.
During our quick phone call today (or yesterday?), Jeff said that he thought I was handling my Saturn Return much better than he did, since at least I was working consciously with the energies. During his Saturn Return, he was externalizing those energies, so they took the form of other people controlling and pressuring him, leaving him to deal with the real fall-out only seven years later during his next Saturn square (which was, among other things, his divorce).
He has a lot of confidence in me. Generally, I'm just frustrated with myself for being subject to these bouts of crankiness and apparently so easily influenced by the goddamned stars.
But now it's way past when I should have gone to bed. I just don't want to move, since the cat is curled up on the blanket right next to me, and he's so sweet when he twitches, chasing noms in his sleep.
Showing posts with label astrology. Show all posts
Showing posts with label astrology. Show all posts
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Sorta
This evening during dinner, it suddenly struck me that now that we're in Seattle, my Saturn-Pluto conjunction isn't the only thing in my astrological chart to have shifted (away from a square with my midheaven, thank the gods!).
My moon has moved from the dark depths of the mysterious and inscrutable 12th House into the 1st House, house of manifestation, self-expression, obvious appearances and the physical body ("identity in action," as Arroyo describes it).
Which might explain, or at least contribute to, why a sorta-moon goddess has suddenly asserted herself in my life.
Of course, she's not exactly a moon goddess, not really. She is only sort of a moon goddess, just as she is sorta many things, sorta this, sorta that.
I've been pondering a way of referring to her in public posts like this without having to name her specifically, since I'm trying out this whole thing of not giving a shit what other people think of our relationship (and not wanting to rely on the italicized her, lest things get too hot and heavy in the syntax department). I feel like "Sorta" may just be a very good nickname.
With all respect, reverence and due deference. (I think she's cool with it.)
My moon has moved from the dark depths of the mysterious and inscrutable 12th House into the 1st House, house of manifestation, self-expression, obvious appearances and the physical body ("identity in action," as Arroyo describes it).
Which might explain, or at least contribute to, why a sorta-moon goddess has suddenly asserted herself in my life.
Of course, she's not exactly a moon goddess, not really. She is only sort of a moon goddess, just as she is sorta many things, sorta this, sorta that.
I've been pondering a way of referring to her in public posts like this without having to name her specifically, since I'm trying out this whole thing of not giving a shit what other people think of our relationship (and not wanting to rely on the italicized her, lest things get too hot and heavy in the syntax department). I feel like "Sorta" may just be a very good nickname.
With all respect, reverence and due deference. (I think she's cool with it.)
Monday, March 26, 2012
Revised Uncensored To-Do List
Things I've Accomplished Since Samhain
- finish Sullivan's text on Saturn, read Greene's text on Saturn- continue Flamekeeping shifts
- regular meditation (with candle ritual?) in the morning
- hillwalking at least three times a week
- yoga on non-hillwalking days
- Peace of the Three Realms prayer meditation at least a few times a week
- read book on ecology in Celtic spirituality/mythology
- started book on storytelling and human evolution
- write twice monthly for NUP
- continue to work with guest post submissions for NUP
- follow-up on Wild Earth editorial position w/DD
- research good DSLR camera and purchase
- clean house once a week (Tuesdays?)
- go through wardrobe and drastically reduce
- go through basement and drastically reduce
- go through craft cabinet and drastically reduce
- go through each room week by week to clear out things we're not taking with us
- donate clothes, toys, books, furniture
- organize electronics in preparation for move
- organize altar objects and décor in prep for move
- write wedding gift thank you notes
- print up photo cards for thank you notes
- send thank you notes by thanksgiving
- go out on a date with Jeff once a week
- cut down on plastic use drastically
- investigate eco-friendly alternatives for home use
- become a Seattle Volunteer Naturalist
- attend spring and fall training (Thursdays and Saturdays)
- teach at least two programs per month
- design one or two new programs to teach
- keep a naturalist journal
- participate in Pagan Blog Project 2012
- moved across the country
- found a new apartment
Revised and Updated To-Do List for Spring and Summer
(italics for new items)Podcasting
- design website for Faith, Fern and Compass- do weekly research for podcast topics
- set up payment for pro subscriptions
- record two episodes weekly with Jeff
- post-production editing
Astrology & Archetypes
- weekly meditations and journaling on Saturdays for Saturn Return- read Arroyo's text on astrology and the four elements
- complete natal charts for as many friends and family as possible
- every 6 weeks (on solar & fire festivals), look at up-coming and just-passed transits
- read the other astrology books I picked up while on honeymoon
- work with tarot deck more frequently
- finally read Campbell's Hero with a Thousand Faces
- read book on story and human evolution (forget author)
Spiritual Practice
- continue Flamekeeping shifts- finish four remaining DOTR lessons for each of the elements
- regular meditation (with candle ritual?) in the morning
- regular libations/offerings in the morning
- regular water/integration ritual in the evenings
- hillwalking at least three times a week
- yoga on non-hillwalking days
- Peace of the Three Realms prayer meditation at least a few times a week
- weekly tarot card reading (on Mondays?)
- practice guitar regularly
- new and full moon rituals each month
Deep Ecology
- become a Seattle Volunteer Naturalist- attend spring and fall training (Thursdays and Saturdays)
- teach at least two programs per month
- design one or two new programs to teach
- keep a naturalist journal
- hillwalking at least three times a week (see under Spiritual Practice)
- read Integral Ecology
- read Lovelock's text on the Gaia hypothesis
- read book on environmentalism and aesthetics
- read book on "sound ecology" (revisit text on noise and social justice)
- read Oxford Handbook of Religion and Ecology
- look into the Alliance of Religions and Conservation
- become member of the International Society for the Study of Religion, Nature, and Culture
Writing
- participate in Pagan Blog Project 2012- finish 30 Days of Druidry meme for blog
- write more poetry (poetry exercises from Palm of Your Hand?)
- write twice monthly for NUP
- continue to work with guest post submissions for NUP
- write quarterly Wild Earth feature for Aontacht
- brainstorm article ideas for submission elsewhere
- complete book manuscript for Graeme by early spring
- revise book manuscript by May 1st at latest
- work through Creating a Life Worth Living exercises
- work on Teen Druidry book manuscript
Photography
- purchase good photo editing software- brainstorm a list of "projects" to pursue
- spend at least one afternoon each week working on photography (taking pics, editing)
Household & Health
- stick to meal plan for healthier, more balanced diet- exercise with Jeff three times a week
- jog two to three times a week
- get bike fixed
- bike once or twice a week
- yoga and/or back-strengthening exercises three times a week
- try to get closer to 10,000 steps/day goal
- put up curtains for the new apartment
- unpack small decor items for apartment
- put up pictures and other wall hangings
Uncensored To-Do List, Revisited
Key
- Completed (or done on a regular basis)-
Astrology
- weekly meditations and journaling on Saturdays for Saturn Return- finish Sullivan's text on Saturn, read Greene's text on Saturn
- read Arroyo's text on astrology and the four elements
- complete natal charts for as many friends and family as possible
- every 6 weeks (on solar & fire festivals), look at up-coming and just-passed transits
- read the other astrology books I picked up while on honeymoon
Archetypes
- work with tarot deck more frequently
- finally read Campbell's Hero with a Thousand Faces
- read book on story and human evolution (forget author)
Spiritual Practice
- continue Flamekeeping shifts- finish four remaining DOTR lessons for each of the elements
- regular meditation (with candle ritual?) in the morning
- regular libations/offerings in the morning
- regular water/integration ritual in the evenings
- hillwalking at least three times a week
- yoga on non-hillwalking days
- Peace of the Three Realms prayer meditation at least a few times a week
- weekly tarot card reading (on Mondays?)
- practice guitar regularly
- new and full moon rituals each month
Deep Ecology
- hillwalking at least three times a week (see under Spiritual Practice)- read book on ecology in Celtic spirituality/mythology
- read Integral Ecology
- read Lovelock's text on the Gaia hypothesis
- read book on environmentalism and aesthetics
- read book on "sound ecology" (revisit text on noise and social justice)
- read Oxford Handbook of Religion and Ecology
- look into the Alliance of Religions and Conservation
- become member of the International Society for the Study of Religion, Nature, and Culture
- after the move, look into resources on local ecosystems/bioregion
- after move, spend hillwalking time each week connecting with new landscape
Writing
- finish 30 Days of Druidry meme for blog- write more poetry (poetry exercises from Palm of Your Hand?)
- write twice monthly for NUP
- continue to work with guest post submissions for NUP
- follow-up on Wild Earth editorial position w/DD
- brainstorm article ideas for submission elsewhere
- complete book manuscript for Graeme by early spring
- revise book manuscript by May 1st at latest
- work through Creating a Life Worth Living exercises
- work on Teen Druidry book manuscript
Photography
- research good DSLR camera and purchase- purchase good photo editing software
- brainstorm a list of "projects" to pursue
- spend at least one afternoon each week working on photography (taking pics, editing)
Household & Family
- clean house once a week (Tuesdays?)- go through wardrobe and drastically reduce
- go through basement and drastically reduce
- go through craft cabinet and drastically reduce
- go through each room week by week to clear out things we're not taking with us
- donate clothes, toys, books, furniture
- organize electronics in preparation for move
- organize altar objects and décor in prep for move
- write wedding gift thank you notes
- print up photo cards for thank you notes
- send thank you notes by thanksgiving
- get and read one or two stepmom-related books (maybe?)
- go out on a date with Jeff once a week
- choose pictures from the wedding to get as prints/album
- cut down on plastic use drastically
- investigate eco-friendly alternatives for home use
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Saturn Return: Weekly Meditation (Crossing Ascendent)
Days of Note: Saturn crosses Ascendent
Sun: sagittarius (mutable fire), 7:26 AM - 4:54 PM
Moon: *waxing gibbous, aries (cardinal fire)
Earth: cold, in the mid-to-low 40s most of the day, starting out quite sunny but then fading to gray, cloudy weather; not that I would know, as I spent pretty much all day inside working on various things, but mostly writing
Last night I had a dream that my aunt Tricia, who works from home as a baker of wonderful homemade cakes, cookies and pies, etc., had decided that she wanted to quit baking and go into taxidermy. (Apparently, this dream was probably inspired by a scene from an episode of X-Files that Jeff and I watched together last night, which I was only half paying attention to at the time and must have gotten into my subconscious.) Anyway, in the dream, my aunt decided she really wanted to be a taxidermist, she was fascinated by it. But the only tools she knew how to use were things like blenders and egg beaters. I have some vague visual impression in my mind of some poor animal carcass being tamped down into the thin, tapering container of a blender, the lid fitted on nicely and the switch flipped, resulting in that lovely whirring and the spinning of blood and bone and fur and bits all into a uniform pinkish paste.
This might not have anything to do with anything, but I thought I would jot it down.
I started writing this journal entry at 11:11 PM, though I doubt I'll be finished with it until what is technically Sunday morning. I'm wide awake and not feeling the least bit tired - which is indicative of my sleep schedule these days, where sometimes I feel so lethargic I can't pull myself out of bed before 10 AM, and other days I'm awake before dawn (which, as dark as the days are, isn't really that hard anyway) with plenty of energy to spare. This morning, I woke up at around 5 AM and tossed and turned a bit before finally giving up and getting up entirely at about 6:30 AM. Jeff had to leave to get the kids, and I fell back asleep for another few hours, so I suppose it all evened out. We'll see how I am tomorrow morning. (Jeff, who slept downstairs on the futon because he'd been snoring a lot lately, hardly slept at all last night because of various worries about this weekend, so now he's excused and sound asleep despite me still being awake.)
I hadn't planned to do much work today - or rather, I'd planned to at least try to clean and organize the basement some in preparation for our up-coming move. But two of the four kids were sick with some kind of stomach bug (which had them on a bland diet of food, though neither of them really acted all that sick - it was a nice excuse for everyone to stay quiet and relaxed in bed reading or drawing for much of the day), so thoughts of trying to organize some kind of cleaning extravaganza were out. At one point I sat down to check out John's recent post on No Unsacred Place, which was excellent as usual, and that was the kick in the ass I needed to sit down and work on the piece I'd wanted to do for this coming week about the recent news coming out of the science journals about LUCA, the Last Universal Common Ancestor, being a single, planet-sized mega-organism very similar to a "living ocean" of genetic soup. A pretty cool concept. So I spent all day researching various creation myths from different cultures and drawing comparisons between these and the scientific evidence they have for LUCA, pointing out some of the common themes of primordial chaotic waters, a moment when separation and individuation begins to occur, and the idea of a god being dismembered and the parts of his (or her) corpse being used to actually make the world.
So even though I didn't have any time really to do some formal Saturn Return meditation as I'd planned, I ended up doing quite a bit of contemplation on some of those primordial ancient themes about dissolution, death, separation, limitation and the power of form. Some of the Greek myths actually involve Kronos/Saturn himself, so... there's that.
I find myself really connecting to this idea of a common genetic ancestor in the ancient primordial oceans as a living being that is both an ancestor and a god(dess). This just really jives for me. It works well with my more animistic sensibilities which can sometimes shy away from being overly metaphorical or psychological about the gods and would rather rejoice in and celebrate the Actual Sun Right There See There It Is than in some idea of a sun deity in the abstract. On the other hand, though, it also gives some context to Manannan as a "son of the sea" without having to bear the burden of being the literal sea itself. Manannan mac LUCA, perhaps. Manannan has continued to be an important god to me, and I think I've reconciled myself to just him and Brighid for the time being as a working pair who play nicely together. Manannan is a god of the threshold, the liminal space of the mists, the psychopomp who leads the dead into the other realm, the trickster who will turn things upside-down just for the sake of teasing and challenging. I think there are definitely some parallels here between Manannan (and Manawydan from Welsh mythology) and the figure of Saturn. And strangely enough, while I think of Saturn primarily as a planet and, after that, as some kind of psychological archetype and energetic influence, I find it a lot easier to think of Manannan as an actual god, personified, and able to help me with the Saturn Return. I have no sense that he is Kronos/Saturn, any more than Jeff is, say, Commander Samuel Vimes. But the "real" god Manannan has some understanding of the character/nature/influence of the psychological archetype of Saturn and can give me some insight - like we can have a discussion about it and share our perspectives, in the same way Jeff and I can talk about the characters in Pratchett's books and he can give me insight into what it's like to be a father, something I wouldn't know as much about.
One thing that I was reflecting on just now while I was reading and trying to fall asleep was the nature of Saturn's recent transit through my twelfth house in Libra, the sign and house of my natal moon. I think it was Arroyo who said that Saturn can have a lasting influence when passing through the sign and house of the moon, even when it's not in exact or close aspect to the moon itself. I don't remember precisely when transiting Saturn was exactly conjunct my natal moon, but I do know that the moon is associated with a lot of "mommy issues" - coming to terms with the mother's influence in the family and the inner archetype of the mother in the psyche, as well as grappling with ancestral influences of all kinds that have been "inherited" on the psychic or psychological level. With my moon in Libra, I wonder if I have a particular sensitivity to concepts of fairness, justice, balance and beauty being manifested in the role of the mother - whether by myself or by other "mothers" in my life.
Saturn has been transiting my twelfth house for about two years now, I think. It's soon to cross my ascendent and enter my first house. In fact, looking up my chart just now (at 11:48 PM on Saturday, December 3) I see that transiting Saturn is within 13 minutes of my ascendent and the cusp of my first house. So... maybe that's why I'm suddenly feeling a certain amount of energy and clarity around these issues.
Anyway, as I was lying in bed I suddenly saw all the various ways in which the energy and influence of the mother had been manifesting in my life in ways that provoked my anger or frustration over a sense of violated fairness or justice - in particular in my relationship with Jeff's ex-wife and biological mother to my stepchildren, who has consistently attempted to act in the role of controlling "Mama Bear" figure to both me and Jeff as well as the kids. It hit me that I had been grappling with two issues that were often put at odds with one another.
On the one hand, I wanted things to be Fair - both in the sense of being just and balanced, and also beautiful and harmonious. This led me to a lot of conflict on Jeff's behalf when I felt that his rights as a father were being trampled on or ignored, when he didn't get "his fair share" of time with the kids (even when him having more time with them, and the struggle to get and keep that time that was often involved, left both of us feeling worn out, exhausted and stressed). I also made a lot of judgements - emotionally and ethically - about Emily choosing to stay home and be a "mom," even going on to have another child with her new husband, instead of stepping up to be an "equal partner" in both the divorce (by pulling her weight with joint debt from the previous marriage) and in her own new marriage (which, I will be the first to admit, is none of my business, though I sure do have opinions about it). This judgement - and I won't say it was judgmental necessarily, but it was a judgement, certainly - often had me worrying about the kind of example she was setting for the kids, and my own response was to push back - to balance out her example by becoming even more ambitious (Saturn!) in my own role not as a stepmom but as a "career woman" and female adult role model to the kids. This was me pushing back against the figure of the mother - both in external form and my own potential role - and seeking instead another kind of authority. That has Saturn's influence written all over it.
On the other hand, I also had already learned the lesson - which Saturn had helped teach me before - that to find a harmonious balance it is often important to let go, to release certain emotional blockages or stubborn opinions and to give up being the kind of person who has to control every little thing to make sure it all comes out alright. This was a lesson that I actually learned from my own mother, by bad example. Seeking too much control in a world that is by its very nature so much bigger and more complex than you could ever possibly understand is the very recipe for out of control stress and paranoia. This is what happened to my mother to some extent (though I have to admit that in recent years, perhaps because of the change in her career and my brother and I no longer living at home, she does seem to be improving on this in small ways). The whole thing was, in fact, a lesson all about boundaries and limits (hello again, Saturn old friend!), learning to understand the extent of your own control and when not to push beyond them but instead accept them and trust in the greater harmonies of the universe (there's Saturn, straddling that liminal space between the concrete manifestations of the inner planets and the influences of fate and cosmic force of the outer planets). This was a lesson I knew very well, and something that I continued to affirm to myself consciously. But I was completely piss-poor at actually following through and listening to my own better judgement.
So here were two urges that were definitely working at odds to one another. The urge on the one hand to make sure things were fair and just and balanced - and the desire on the other hand not to become like my own mother and like Jeff's ex-wife, both of whom were excellent examples of the immaturity and stress that characterizes a "control freak" who uses their good intentions to justify their paranoid manipulations and micro-management of everyone around them (essentially being a "mother" to everyone and not being able to trust others to do what's fair or harmonious on their own). Confronted with the glaring evidence that Jeff's ex-wife had no interest in being fair - I think mainly simply because she was incapable of stepping outside of her own perspective in order to see how what she wanted was unfair - it was an incredible challenge for me not to respond by trying to control her.
My response, and something I had to work on with Jeff a lot, was a process of affirming our personal boundaries. It took a lot of push-back and a great deal of stress and hard work every time we were confronted with Emily's tendency to act entitled to private information about our lives that were none of her business or to bombard Jeff with unsolicited emails full of advice about issues of which she had little to no actual knowledge. We worked hard, as a couple and equal partners in the matter, to help each cope with that stress and reaffirm our right to establish clear, healthy boundaries. But mostly, it sucked. I've been getting down on myself a lot over the past couple years about my feelings of having failed at this work, or at least of having responded in ways that were not helpful or healthy. And definitely there were times when our attempts to establish strong boundaries crossed the line into an attempt to control or compensate for Emily's disrespectful or manipulative behavior. But looking back now, I actually feel like we did an okay job. One recent change came about when I broke down and asked some folks on an internet forum if they had any resources that might help. One person responded and pointed me to the "Ten Commandments for Low-Contact Parallel Parenting with High-Drama Ex's." (The idea of having a short, authoritative list of simple rules to follow.... yeah, Saturn, you bet.) Jeff and I read this over, saw a lot of ways that we were already following the techniques suggested and a lot of other places where we could improve. So we started following the rules, and we sent a copy of them to Emily asking her to abide by them as well. (This was after we caught her in a bald-faced lie about one of the kids' health issues, which for us was the final straw and, in some ways, a relief that her manipulation could no longer be denied or explained away.... though of course, that didn't stop her from trying.)
That was about two months ago now, I think. Today, Jeremy confronted Jeff when he went to pick up the kids to let him know that two of them weren't feeling well - and for good measure threw in his own two cents about how "this silent treatment isn't having the effect we [Jeff and I] were hoping it would have." The comment had Jeff fuming when he got home, but he and I talked about it and were able to laugh off the continued arrogance and immaturity. I pointed out to him that our stress has definitely gone down and we don't waste nearly as much time in pointless conflict with Emily; meanwhile, we have more energy when we do have the kids and less anxiety over every little issue that might somehow make its way back to us, so our time with them is more enjoyable than it was before. Whatever Jeremy and Emily think, the technique is most definitely doing what we'd hoped it would do on our end. Jeremy simply declaring that it wasn't working - without asking Jeff's feelings on the matter - was just one more example of why the Low-Contact Parenting techniques were a good idea after all.
One of the things that I think was most helpful about the Low-Contact Parenting was that it helped us to recognize when we were crossing the line from "affirming healthy boundaries" to "pushing back and trying to control others." With rules that restrict our email use to only short messages pertaining specifically to the kids themselves and that avoid intentionally provocative language, for instance, we're forced to catch ourselves before we shoot off that obnoxious letter that we secretly hope will smack Emily back into her place and divest her of any delusions she has about our opinion. The rules work because they ask us to turn a critical eye back onto our own behavior and to recognize when we're demanding something that we should probably just not expect given what is and is not within our reasonable ability to control. These rules give us a structure whereby we can learn how to find a balance between our sense of fairness and our need to appreciate our limits. (And I'm using "we" a lot here because it's something Jeff and I have mostly worked on together, but in many ways this is a lot about my own issues.) But all of this only came after we had done the difficult work of establishing boundaries that could safely secure at least a minimum amount of real fairness and equality between Jeff and his ex when it came to the kids - including giving us the legal ground to stand on in order to negotiate for a fair and workable schedule for child custody after our move. If we hadn't done that necessary work of pushing back and establishing boundaries first - especially in Jeff's case, I think - we would have been in a position where an attitude of "it's out of our control" would have left us open to manipulation, exploitation and a certain amount of guilt.
So here I was being hard on myself about how we handled it when, looking back, maybe we did pretty much the best we could given the circumstances. We weren't perfect, but I think we've found some long-term sustainable ways to find that necessary balance and we were able to bring our more unseemly responses into check before they got out of hand and went too far. At least, right now I'm feeling hopeful and optimistic and so that's my present understanding of the situation. I'd love to hear what Jeff thinks of all of this. (He's asleep now - maybe I'll have a chance to talk to him tomorrow about it at some point.) I'm sure his perspective will be a bit different, considering the influences going on in his own chart right now. And maybe I'm completely wrong about this - I'm kind of making it up as I go, really, and he knows more about astrology than I do.
In any case, what began as a day spent contemplating the "primordial mother ocean" has ended up with some pretty startling thoughts about the energies of the moon-as-mother in relation to my Saturn Return. Perhaps leaving the twelfth house and crossing the ascendent means that these issues are be resolved, maybe "coming to light" in a more conscious way now that I'm moving out of the house of mystery and mysticism. I don't know. I hope so. I think it must be a good sign that I just happen to be awake and thinking about this during the time when transiting Saturn is coming into exact aspect with my ascendent. That has to mean something, right? Like my willingness to be awake to this and open to it, to face it instead of just wanting to "go back to sleep" and ignore the lessons. I hope Manannan can help me stay open to the lessons I need to learn, and in the meantime help me to maybe not be quite so hard on myself if things seem like a struggle or I have to work hard. I think it's a really important insight, that coming to terms with our boundaries and limitations (Saturn) is also about learning how to trust in the greater universe. I just read an old tale about Manannan that someone randomly posted online the other day, about a shepherd who is on his way home with his sheep one evening when he runs into Manannan, who teases him about his certainty of the way and pulls down a confusing mist that shrouds his eyes and makes him lose his sheep. After bumbling about in the dark mists all night, Manannan finally relents and lifts the mist, for the shepherd to find that he was only a few yards from home with all his sheep safe and accounted for by his side - and Manannan joking that sometimes he just likes to play a prank for the joy of it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in a similar position - stumbling around in the mist all night only to finally realize once the veil lifts away that I've been close to home all along and in no real danger. But I also have to wonder if maybe, if I didn't bumbled around quite so much and fret quite so loudly (and maybe sometimes comically), if Manannan wouldn't consider me quite so worth his attention. ;)
So with that thought, I'll call it a night.
Sun: sagittarius (mutable fire), 7:26 AM - 4:54 PM
Moon: *waxing gibbous, aries (cardinal fire)
Earth: cold, in the mid-to-low 40s most of the day, starting out quite sunny but then fading to gray, cloudy weather; not that I would know, as I spent pretty much all day inside working on various things, but mostly writing
Last night I had a dream that my aunt Tricia, who works from home as a baker of wonderful homemade cakes, cookies and pies, etc., had decided that she wanted to quit baking and go into taxidermy. (Apparently, this dream was probably inspired by a scene from an episode of X-Files that Jeff and I watched together last night, which I was only half paying attention to at the time and must have gotten into my subconscious.) Anyway, in the dream, my aunt decided she really wanted to be a taxidermist, she was fascinated by it. But the only tools she knew how to use were things like blenders and egg beaters. I have some vague visual impression in my mind of some poor animal carcass being tamped down into the thin, tapering container of a blender, the lid fitted on nicely and the switch flipped, resulting in that lovely whirring and the spinning of blood and bone and fur and bits all into a uniform pinkish paste.
This might not have anything to do with anything, but I thought I would jot it down.
I started writing this journal entry at 11:11 PM, though I doubt I'll be finished with it until what is technically Sunday morning. I'm wide awake and not feeling the least bit tired - which is indicative of my sleep schedule these days, where sometimes I feel so lethargic I can't pull myself out of bed before 10 AM, and other days I'm awake before dawn (which, as dark as the days are, isn't really that hard anyway) with plenty of energy to spare. This morning, I woke up at around 5 AM and tossed and turned a bit before finally giving up and getting up entirely at about 6:30 AM. Jeff had to leave to get the kids, and I fell back asleep for another few hours, so I suppose it all evened out. We'll see how I am tomorrow morning. (Jeff, who slept downstairs on the futon because he'd been snoring a lot lately, hardly slept at all last night because of various worries about this weekend, so now he's excused and sound asleep despite me still being awake.)
I hadn't planned to do much work today - or rather, I'd planned to at least try to clean and organize the basement some in preparation for our up-coming move. But two of the four kids were sick with some kind of stomach bug (which had them on a bland diet of food, though neither of them really acted all that sick - it was a nice excuse for everyone to stay quiet and relaxed in bed reading or drawing for much of the day), so thoughts of trying to organize some kind of cleaning extravaganza were out. At one point I sat down to check out John's recent post on No Unsacred Place, which was excellent as usual, and that was the kick in the ass I needed to sit down and work on the piece I'd wanted to do for this coming week about the recent news coming out of the science journals about LUCA, the Last Universal Common Ancestor, being a single, planet-sized mega-organism very similar to a "living ocean" of genetic soup. A pretty cool concept. So I spent all day researching various creation myths from different cultures and drawing comparisons between these and the scientific evidence they have for LUCA, pointing out some of the common themes of primordial chaotic waters, a moment when separation and individuation begins to occur, and the idea of a god being dismembered and the parts of his (or her) corpse being used to actually make the world.
So even though I didn't have any time really to do some formal Saturn Return meditation as I'd planned, I ended up doing quite a bit of contemplation on some of those primordial ancient themes about dissolution, death, separation, limitation and the power of form. Some of the Greek myths actually involve Kronos/Saturn himself, so... there's that.
I find myself really connecting to this idea of a common genetic ancestor in the ancient primordial oceans as a living being that is both an ancestor and a god(dess). This just really jives for me. It works well with my more animistic sensibilities which can sometimes shy away from being overly metaphorical or psychological about the gods and would rather rejoice in and celebrate the Actual Sun Right There See There It Is than in some idea of a sun deity in the abstract. On the other hand, though, it also gives some context to Manannan as a "son of the sea" without having to bear the burden of being the literal sea itself. Manannan mac LUCA, perhaps. Manannan has continued to be an important god to me, and I think I've reconciled myself to just him and Brighid for the time being as a working pair who play nicely together. Manannan is a god of the threshold, the liminal space of the mists, the psychopomp who leads the dead into the other realm, the trickster who will turn things upside-down just for the sake of teasing and challenging. I think there are definitely some parallels here between Manannan (and Manawydan from Welsh mythology) and the figure of Saturn. And strangely enough, while I think of Saturn primarily as a planet and, after that, as some kind of psychological archetype and energetic influence, I find it a lot easier to think of Manannan as an actual god, personified, and able to help me with the Saturn Return. I have no sense that he is Kronos/Saturn, any more than Jeff is, say, Commander Samuel Vimes. But the "real" god Manannan has some understanding of the character/nature/influence of the psychological archetype of Saturn and can give me some insight - like we can have a discussion about it and share our perspectives, in the same way Jeff and I can talk about the characters in Pratchett's books and he can give me insight into what it's like to be a father, something I wouldn't know as much about.
One thing that I was reflecting on just now while I was reading and trying to fall asleep was the nature of Saturn's recent transit through my twelfth house in Libra, the sign and house of my natal moon. I think it was Arroyo who said that Saturn can have a lasting influence when passing through the sign and house of the moon, even when it's not in exact or close aspect to the moon itself. I don't remember precisely when transiting Saturn was exactly conjunct my natal moon, but I do know that the moon is associated with a lot of "mommy issues" - coming to terms with the mother's influence in the family and the inner archetype of the mother in the psyche, as well as grappling with ancestral influences of all kinds that have been "inherited" on the psychic or psychological level. With my moon in Libra, I wonder if I have a particular sensitivity to concepts of fairness, justice, balance and beauty being manifested in the role of the mother - whether by myself or by other "mothers" in my life.
Saturn has been transiting my twelfth house for about two years now, I think. It's soon to cross my ascendent and enter my first house. In fact, looking up my chart just now (at 11:48 PM on Saturday, December 3) I see that transiting Saturn is within 13 minutes of my ascendent and the cusp of my first house. So... maybe that's why I'm suddenly feeling a certain amount of energy and clarity around these issues.
Anyway, as I was lying in bed I suddenly saw all the various ways in which the energy and influence of the mother had been manifesting in my life in ways that provoked my anger or frustration over a sense of violated fairness or justice - in particular in my relationship with Jeff's ex-wife and biological mother to my stepchildren, who has consistently attempted to act in the role of controlling "Mama Bear" figure to both me and Jeff as well as the kids. It hit me that I had been grappling with two issues that were often put at odds with one another.
On the one hand, I wanted things to be Fair - both in the sense of being just and balanced, and also beautiful and harmonious. This led me to a lot of conflict on Jeff's behalf when I felt that his rights as a father were being trampled on or ignored, when he didn't get "his fair share" of time with the kids (even when him having more time with them, and the struggle to get and keep that time that was often involved, left both of us feeling worn out, exhausted and stressed). I also made a lot of judgements - emotionally and ethically - about Emily choosing to stay home and be a "mom," even going on to have another child with her new husband, instead of stepping up to be an "equal partner" in both the divorce (by pulling her weight with joint debt from the previous marriage) and in her own new marriage (which, I will be the first to admit, is none of my business, though I sure do have opinions about it). This judgement - and I won't say it was judgmental necessarily, but it was a judgement, certainly - often had me worrying about the kind of example she was setting for the kids, and my own response was to push back - to balance out her example by becoming even more ambitious (Saturn!) in my own role not as a stepmom but as a "career woman" and female adult role model to the kids. This was me pushing back against the figure of the mother - both in external form and my own potential role - and seeking instead another kind of authority. That has Saturn's influence written all over it.
On the other hand, I also had already learned the lesson - which Saturn had helped teach me before - that to find a harmonious balance it is often important to let go, to release certain emotional blockages or stubborn opinions and to give up being the kind of person who has to control every little thing to make sure it all comes out alright. This was a lesson that I actually learned from my own mother, by bad example. Seeking too much control in a world that is by its very nature so much bigger and more complex than you could ever possibly understand is the very recipe for out of control stress and paranoia. This is what happened to my mother to some extent (though I have to admit that in recent years, perhaps because of the change in her career and my brother and I no longer living at home, she does seem to be improving on this in small ways). The whole thing was, in fact, a lesson all about boundaries and limits (hello again, Saturn old friend!), learning to understand the extent of your own control and when not to push beyond them but instead accept them and trust in the greater harmonies of the universe (there's Saturn, straddling that liminal space between the concrete manifestations of the inner planets and the influences of fate and cosmic force of the outer planets). This was a lesson I knew very well, and something that I continued to affirm to myself consciously. But I was completely piss-poor at actually following through and listening to my own better judgement.
So here were two urges that were definitely working at odds to one another. The urge on the one hand to make sure things were fair and just and balanced - and the desire on the other hand not to become like my own mother and like Jeff's ex-wife, both of whom were excellent examples of the immaturity and stress that characterizes a "control freak" who uses their good intentions to justify their paranoid manipulations and micro-management of everyone around them (essentially being a "mother" to everyone and not being able to trust others to do what's fair or harmonious on their own). Confronted with the glaring evidence that Jeff's ex-wife had no interest in being fair - I think mainly simply because she was incapable of stepping outside of her own perspective in order to see how what she wanted was unfair - it was an incredible challenge for me not to respond by trying to control her.
My response, and something I had to work on with Jeff a lot, was a process of affirming our personal boundaries. It took a lot of push-back and a great deal of stress and hard work every time we were confronted with Emily's tendency to act entitled to private information about our lives that were none of her business or to bombard Jeff with unsolicited emails full of advice about issues of which she had little to no actual knowledge. We worked hard, as a couple and equal partners in the matter, to help each cope with that stress and reaffirm our right to establish clear, healthy boundaries. But mostly, it sucked. I've been getting down on myself a lot over the past couple years about my feelings of having failed at this work, or at least of having responded in ways that were not helpful or healthy. And definitely there were times when our attempts to establish strong boundaries crossed the line into an attempt to control or compensate for Emily's disrespectful or manipulative behavior. But looking back now, I actually feel like we did an okay job. One recent change came about when I broke down and asked some folks on an internet forum if they had any resources that might help. One person responded and pointed me to the "Ten Commandments for Low-Contact Parallel Parenting with High-Drama Ex's." (The idea of having a short, authoritative list of simple rules to follow.... yeah, Saturn, you bet.) Jeff and I read this over, saw a lot of ways that we were already following the techniques suggested and a lot of other places where we could improve. So we started following the rules, and we sent a copy of them to Emily asking her to abide by them as well. (This was after we caught her in a bald-faced lie about one of the kids' health issues, which for us was the final straw and, in some ways, a relief that her manipulation could no longer be denied or explained away.... though of course, that didn't stop her from trying.)
That was about two months ago now, I think. Today, Jeremy confronted Jeff when he went to pick up the kids to let him know that two of them weren't feeling well - and for good measure threw in his own two cents about how "this silent treatment isn't having the effect we [Jeff and I] were hoping it would have." The comment had Jeff fuming when he got home, but he and I talked about it and were able to laugh off the continued arrogance and immaturity. I pointed out to him that our stress has definitely gone down and we don't waste nearly as much time in pointless conflict with Emily; meanwhile, we have more energy when we do have the kids and less anxiety over every little issue that might somehow make its way back to us, so our time with them is more enjoyable than it was before. Whatever Jeremy and Emily think, the technique is most definitely doing what we'd hoped it would do on our end. Jeremy simply declaring that it wasn't working - without asking Jeff's feelings on the matter - was just one more example of why the Low-Contact Parenting techniques were a good idea after all.
One of the things that I think was most helpful about the Low-Contact Parenting was that it helped us to recognize when we were crossing the line from "affirming healthy boundaries" to "pushing back and trying to control others." With rules that restrict our email use to only short messages pertaining specifically to the kids themselves and that avoid intentionally provocative language, for instance, we're forced to catch ourselves before we shoot off that obnoxious letter that we secretly hope will smack Emily back into her place and divest her of any delusions she has about our opinion. The rules work because they ask us to turn a critical eye back onto our own behavior and to recognize when we're demanding something that we should probably just not expect given what is and is not within our reasonable ability to control. These rules give us a structure whereby we can learn how to find a balance between our sense of fairness and our need to appreciate our limits. (And I'm using "we" a lot here because it's something Jeff and I have mostly worked on together, but in many ways this is a lot about my own issues.) But all of this only came after we had done the difficult work of establishing boundaries that could safely secure at least a minimum amount of real fairness and equality between Jeff and his ex when it came to the kids - including giving us the legal ground to stand on in order to negotiate for a fair and workable schedule for child custody after our move. If we hadn't done that necessary work of pushing back and establishing boundaries first - especially in Jeff's case, I think - we would have been in a position where an attitude of "it's out of our control" would have left us open to manipulation, exploitation and a certain amount of guilt.
So here I was being hard on myself about how we handled it when, looking back, maybe we did pretty much the best we could given the circumstances. We weren't perfect, but I think we've found some long-term sustainable ways to find that necessary balance and we were able to bring our more unseemly responses into check before they got out of hand and went too far. At least, right now I'm feeling hopeful and optimistic and so that's my present understanding of the situation. I'd love to hear what Jeff thinks of all of this. (He's asleep now - maybe I'll have a chance to talk to him tomorrow about it at some point.) I'm sure his perspective will be a bit different, considering the influences going on in his own chart right now. And maybe I'm completely wrong about this - I'm kind of making it up as I go, really, and he knows more about astrology than I do.
In any case, what began as a day spent contemplating the "primordial mother ocean" has ended up with some pretty startling thoughts about the energies of the moon-as-mother in relation to my Saturn Return. Perhaps leaving the twelfth house and crossing the ascendent means that these issues are be resolved, maybe "coming to light" in a more conscious way now that I'm moving out of the house of mystery and mysticism. I don't know. I hope so. I think it must be a good sign that I just happen to be awake and thinking about this during the time when transiting Saturn is coming into exact aspect with my ascendent. That has to mean something, right? Like my willingness to be awake to this and open to it, to face it instead of just wanting to "go back to sleep" and ignore the lessons. I hope Manannan can help me stay open to the lessons I need to learn, and in the meantime help me to maybe not be quite so hard on myself if things seem like a struggle or I have to work hard. I think it's a really important insight, that coming to terms with our boundaries and limitations (Saturn) is also about learning how to trust in the greater universe. I just read an old tale about Manannan that someone randomly posted online the other day, about a shepherd who is on his way home with his sheep one evening when he runs into Manannan, who teases him about his certainty of the way and pulls down a confusing mist that shrouds his eyes and makes him lose his sheep. After bumbling about in the dark mists all night, Manannan finally relents and lifts the mist, for the shepherd to find that he was only a few yards from home with all his sheep safe and accounted for by his side - and Manannan joking that sometimes he just likes to play a prank for the joy of it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in a similar position - stumbling around in the mist all night only to finally realize once the veil lifts away that I've been close to home all along and in no real danger. But I also have to wonder if maybe, if I didn't bumbled around quite so much and fret quite so loudly (and maybe sometimes comically), if Manannan wouldn't consider me quite so worth his attention. ;)
So with that thought, I'll call it a night.
Friday, October 28, 2011
An Uncensored List of Things I Want to Do
Astrology
- weekly meditations and journaling on Saturdays for Saturn Return- finish Sullivan's text on Saturn, read Greene's text on Saturn
- read Arroyo's text on astrology and the four elements
- complete natal charts for as many friends and family as possible
- every 6 weeks (on solar & fire festivals), look at up-coming and just-passed transits
- read the other astrology books I picked up while on honeymoon
Archetypes
- read King Warrior Magician Lover- read Jung's relevant writings on archetypes
- work with tarot deck more frequently
- review Plotkin's work on soul development
- finally read Campbell's Hero with a Thousand Faces
- read book on story and human evolution (forget author)
- read Markale's text on Arthurian myths
- look at a theory of soul development that spans Plotkin, Campbell, astrology, tarot?
Spiritual Practice
- continue Flamekeeping shifts- finish four remaining DOTR lessons for each of the elements
- regular meditation (with candle ritual?) in the morning
- regular libations/offerings in the morning
- regular water/integration ritual in the evenings
- hillwalking at least three times a week
- yoga on non-hillwalking days
- Peace of the Three Realms prayer meditation at least a few times a week
- journeying with Badger once a week (on Wednesdays?)
- weekly tarot card reading (on Mondays?)
- ogham work (maybe? divided up by elements?)
- practice guitar regularly
- practice drumming regularly
- new and full moon rituals each month
Deep Ecology
- hillwalking at least three times a week (see under Spiritual Practice)- journeying with Badger (see under Spiritual Practice)
- read book on ecology in Celtic spirituality/mythology
- read Integral Ecology
- read Lovelock's text on the Gaia hypothesis
- read book on environmentalism and aesthetics
- read book on "sound ecology" (revisit text on noise and social justice)
- read Oxford Handbook of Religion and Ecology
- look into the Alliance of Religions and Conservation
- become member of the International Society for the Study of Religion, Nature, and Culture
- after the move, look into resources on local ecosystems/bioregion
- after move, spend hillwalking time each week connecting with new landscape
Writing
- finish 30 Days of Druidry meme for blog- write more poetry (poetry exercises from Palm of Your Hand?)
- write twice monthly for NUP
- continue to work with guest post submissions for NUP
- follow-up on Wild Earth editorial position w/DD
- brainstorm article ideas for submission elsewhere
- work on finishing three short stories
- complete book manuscript for Graeme by early spring
- revise book manuscript by May 1st at latest
- work through Creating a Life Worth Living exercises
- work on Teen Druidry book manuscript
Photography
- research good DSLR camera and purchase- purchase good photo editing software
- brainstorm a list of "projects" to pursue
- spend at least one afternoon each week working on photography (taking pics, editing)
Household & Family
- clean house once a week (Tuesdays?)- go through wardrobe and drastically reduce
- go through basement and drastically reduce
- go through craft cabinet and drastically reduce
- go through each room week by week to clear out things we're not taking with us
- donate clothes, toys, books, furniture
- organize electronics in preparation for move
- organize altar objects and décor in prep for move
- write wedding gift thank you notes
- print up photo cards for thank you notes
- send thank you notes by thanksgiving
- get and read one or two stepmom-related books (maybe?)
- go out on a date with Jeff once a week
- choose pictures from the wedding to get as prints/album
- cut down on plastic use drastically
- investigate eco-friendly alternatives for home use
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Letter to Mentor
Bob,
It's been just over two months since my last letter to you. As I mentioned in my letter at the beginning of August, I'd decided to put DOTR work aside until after our wedding and honeymoon, but of course my Druidry work more generally never really ceases! Now that it's October, I'm easing back into a somewhat stable routine of spiritual practice, and I'm thinking of using Samhain as an ideal time to renew my work on the DOTR lessons (primarily those focused on the four elements). This will give me time to get that Stephen Arroyo book I mentioned before, about the role of the four elements in astrology, which I hope will be a good resource to accompany (and deepen) my review.
I find that the more I study astrology, the more fascinated I am with it - especially with the "depth psychology" approach that Arroyo and a few others use in modern times, in contrast to what he calls "mundane astrology," which is more traditional and focuses more on predicting external events. Instead, the psychological approach treats astrology as a tool for gaining insights into the inner energetic fields and patterns of the individual. In some ways, it seems simpler, or at least easier for a novice to jump quickly into relevant and meaningful readings based on a few simple interpretive guidelines. On the other hand, those simple interpretive guidelines often seem to lay bare patterns at the heart of the inner psyche that, by the time they filter up into more obvious, conscious behaviors and beliefs, can be incredibly varied and diverse in how they express themselves. When I first began working on an interpretation of my own natal chart, it was constantly surprising how certain aspects of my chart seemed to describe accurately patterns of inner energetic relationships that have expressed themselves in so many different ways in my life over the years, but that once brought to light seemed obviously connected. And just as surprising was how other patterns were so clearly not expressive in my life and did not describe me at all, and how they always corresponded to aspects or patterns definitely not in my natal chart - so that it seems impossible to agree with the argument that skeptics often use, that astrological readings are so vague as to apply to anyone. Though broad or somewhat abstract, the interpretations Arroyo offers are rarely vague, and I can tell almost immediately when I'm reading about an aspect or correspondence whether or not it is likely to appear in my own chart, even before I check it against the chart itself. I have no idea by what mechanism the stars in the sky at the time and place of our birth can so deeply affect, or reflect or speak to, aspects of our inner psyches.... but there's definitely something significant going on. (It reminds me of the physicist I saw recently talking about the latest challenges in modern physics, such as exploring exactly how and why gravity works - the theory being that there are other dimensions curled up within our own three spatial dimensions that somehow give gravity and mass to subatomic particles. Perhaps in the same way, somehow the stars give shape and design to our inner lives - or maybe the other way around - as though there are deeper things at work, webs of connection curled up and embedded within our mundane material reality.)
So I've continued to study astrology over the past two months, and I'm about to launch into Arroyo's book on the elements to go along with my DOTR lessons. In addition, I'll be reading two different books on the influence of Saturn and especially the Saturn Return, as my own is coming up soon and (depending on how tight an orb you use) could be starting as soon as the end of this month. The first exact conjunction of transiting Saturn with my natal Saturn will be on Christmas, December 25 itself, and it will come into exact aspect twice more (because Saturn will go retrograde and then direct again) over the next year, with the final conjunction in next September (on our first year wedding anniversary, in fact). Because of a few other aspects in my chart (Saturn being conjunct Pluto right on my Ascendant, for instance), this coming year promises to be particularly intense, so much of my meditative work in the coming months is going to be focused on working with Saturnine energies in one way or another.
Other than this astrological work, I've been doing some work with archetypes and Jungian psychology thanks to my brother and his career as a "consumer psychology analyst." During a visit with him in August (when we were introducing our cats to each other so he could cat-sit for us while we were away on honeymoon), he just happened to lend me a book on archetypes and "the marketing of meaning" in modern advertising. That book had some fascinating but also some deeply troubling things to say about the use of psychological and spiritual symbols in modern consumer capitalism, but it did help me to clarify my own attitudes towards my writing as a potential career. When we saw him again in September, he lent me another book by the same author, this time much more of a "self-help" type of book that went into more depth and detail about the various archetypes. I'm intrigued by how these might match up with the kinds of archetypes and energies used in astrology, though I want to do a bit more research and experimentation before I can really draw any conclusions.
Also in August, I spent some time working through the "30 Days of Druidry" meme I'd written up and shared on the DOTR blog in July. I'm only part way through the thirty writing prompts, so I'll be continuing that in October and possibly in November as well. Those are published on my blog over on my website, if you wanted to check them out.
During September, it was pretty much non-stop wedding stuff for the first two weeks, and then honeymooning for the second two. One thing I am rather proud of (if you don't mind me getting personal and female for a second): a spell I cast during the August full moon to ensure that the wedding week and honeymoon wouldn't be interrupted by my rather painful and exhausting "that time of the month" turned out to be an astounding success. Though I was on a rhythm that put the worst of it right smack on our wedding day itself, I was able to move things forward more than a week, leaving me feeling rested and well for the week leading up to the wedding and for the two weeks after while Jeff and I were out west camping. I rarely do any kind of spellwork with such mundane, physical ends in mind. Most of my spellwork (which honestly I don't do much of in any case) is focused on inner emotional or psychological work, magic as "a willed change in consciousness." But this was one of those rare times when I had no real recourse to mundane, non-occult means of bringing about the desired outcome, which is the only time I feel like magic directed towards mundane goals is really called for. So I was particularly pleased at how well the spell worked - accurate to the very day. Not bad for someone rather out of practice!
Unfortunately, Jeff and I hadn't bothered to do any spellwork regarding weather for the wedding day (another use of magic that I feel less than enthusiastic about, especially since Jeff's ex-wife had a reputation for brazenly trying to manipulate the weather on a regular basis). We had a gorgeous week at the beach - sunny and warm and perfect beach weather - but the day of the wedding itself was gray and blustery, with winds so strong that almost the entire beach was covered by water (though usually even at high tide there was at least fifty yards of flat sand above the water's edge). Honestly, it was breathtakingly beautiful, though a bit chillier than we'd expected. Still, the rain held off the entire day (finally starting not thirty seconds after Jeff and I left together at the end of the reception), so we did have our ceremony down on the beach as we'd expected, on the threshold of the three realms. We had spent time during a visit the year before petitioning the spirits of the local land for their blessing on our wedding, and we had done similar work the day right before the wedding. Our guests joked that, well, we'd asked the elements and the three realms to show up, and they showed up in force! There may be some truth to that. (Jeff's oldest daughter, Savanah, said that during our invocations to the three realms in the ceremony itself, sand crabs and sea gulls both seemed to draw in closer to the small gathering of us on the beach.) All in all, it was an intense experience, and in some ways I think the weather forced everyone to really ground in their bodies and experience the power and beauty of the natural world in a deeply visceral way... which is exactly what we wanted. (My hair is probably going to be an absolute mess in all of our wedding photos, though!)
During our honeymoon the following two weeks - which we spent out in Utah and New Mexico camping and hiking in various national parks - I spent a lot of time working through some inner blocks or issues involving my career and in particular with my writing. I plan to write up something on this experience sometime soon and share it to my Working the Three Realms blog, so if you're interested in that, you can check it out there.
Since this letter has become way too long already, though, I'll end it here for now. Looking forward to hearing from you. Hoping your autumn has been well and blessed so far! I'd love to hear how you work with Erynn's book and the Three Cauldrons has been going!
--Ali
It's been just over two months since my last letter to you. As I mentioned in my letter at the beginning of August, I'd decided to put DOTR work aside until after our wedding and honeymoon, but of course my Druidry work more generally never really ceases! Now that it's October, I'm easing back into a somewhat stable routine of spiritual practice, and I'm thinking of using Samhain as an ideal time to renew my work on the DOTR lessons (primarily those focused on the four elements). This will give me time to get that Stephen Arroyo book I mentioned before, about the role of the four elements in astrology, which I hope will be a good resource to accompany (and deepen) my review.
I find that the more I study astrology, the more fascinated I am with it - especially with the "depth psychology" approach that Arroyo and a few others use in modern times, in contrast to what he calls "mundane astrology," which is more traditional and focuses more on predicting external events. Instead, the psychological approach treats astrology as a tool for gaining insights into the inner energetic fields and patterns of the individual. In some ways, it seems simpler, or at least easier for a novice to jump quickly into relevant and meaningful readings based on a few simple interpretive guidelines. On the other hand, those simple interpretive guidelines often seem to lay bare patterns at the heart of the inner psyche that, by the time they filter up into more obvious, conscious behaviors and beliefs, can be incredibly varied and diverse in how they express themselves. When I first began working on an interpretation of my own natal chart, it was constantly surprising how certain aspects of my chart seemed to describe accurately patterns of inner energetic relationships that have expressed themselves in so many different ways in my life over the years, but that once brought to light seemed obviously connected. And just as surprising was how other patterns were so clearly not expressive in my life and did not describe me at all, and how they always corresponded to aspects or patterns definitely not in my natal chart - so that it seems impossible to agree with the argument that skeptics often use, that astrological readings are so vague as to apply to anyone. Though broad or somewhat abstract, the interpretations Arroyo offers are rarely vague, and I can tell almost immediately when I'm reading about an aspect or correspondence whether or not it is likely to appear in my own chart, even before I check it against the chart itself. I have no idea by what mechanism the stars in the sky at the time and place of our birth can so deeply affect, or reflect or speak to, aspects of our inner psyches.... but there's definitely something significant going on. (It reminds me of the physicist I saw recently talking about the latest challenges in modern physics, such as exploring exactly how and why gravity works - the theory being that there are other dimensions curled up within our own three spatial dimensions that somehow give gravity and mass to subatomic particles. Perhaps in the same way, somehow the stars give shape and design to our inner lives - or maybe the other way around - as though there are deeper things at work, webs of connection curled up and embedded within our mundane material reality.)
So I've continued to study astrology over the past two months, and I'm about to launch into Arroyo's book on the elements to go along with my DOTR lessons. In addition, I'll be reading two different books on the influence of Saturn and especially the Saturn Return, as my own is coming up soon and (depending on how tight an orb you use) could be starting as soon as the end of this month. The first exact conjunction of transiting Saturn with my natal Saturn will be on Christmas, December 25 itself, and it will come into exact aspect twice more (because Saturn will go retrograde and then direct again) over the next year, with the final conjunction in next September (on our first year wedding anniversary, in fact). Because of a few other aspects in my chart (Saturn being conjunct Pluto right on my Ascendant, for instance), this coming year promises to be particularly intense, so much of my meditative work in the coming months is going to be focused on working with Saturnine energies in one way or another.
Other than this astrological work, I've been doing some work with archetypes and Jungian psychology thanks to my brother and his career as a "consumer psychology analyst." During a visit with him in August (when we were introducing our cats to each other so he could cat-sit for us while we were away on honeymoon), he just happened to lend me a book on archetypes and "the marketing of meaning" in modern advertising. That book had some fascinating but also some deeply troubling things to say about the use of psychological and spiritual symbols in modern consumer capitalism, but it did help me to clarify my own attitudes towards my writing as a potential career. When we saw him again in September, he lent me another book by the same author, this time much more of a "self-help" type of book that went into more depth and detail about the various archetypes. I'm intrigued by how these might match up with the kinds of archetypes and energies used in astrology, though I want to do a bit more research and experimentation before I can really draw any conclusions.
Also in August, I spent some time working through the "30 Days of Druidry" meme I'd written up and shared on the DOTR blog in July. I'm only part way through the thirty writing prompts, so I'll be continuing that in October and possibly in November as well. Those are published on my blog over on my website, if you wanted to check them out.
During September, it was pretty much non-stop wedding stuff for the first two weeks, and then honeymooning for the second two. One thing I am rather proud of (if you don't mind me getting personal and female for a second): a spell I cast during the August full moon to ensure that the wedding week and honeymoon wouldn't be interrupted by my rather painful and exhausting "that time of the month" turned out to be an astounding success. Though I was on a rhythm that put the worst of it right smack on our wedding day itself, I was able to move things forward more than a week, leaving me feeling rested and well for the week leading up to the wedding and for the two weeks after while Jeff and I were out west camping. I rarely do any kind of spellwork with such mundane, physical ends in mind. Most of my spellwork (which honestly I don't do much of in any case) is focused on inner emotional or psychological work, magic as "a willed change in consciousness." But this was one of those rare times when I had no real recourse to mundane, non-occult means of bringing about the desired outcome, which is the only time I feel like magic directed towards mundane goals is really called for. So I was particularly pleased at how well the spell worked - accurate to the very day. Not bad for someone rather out of practice!
Unfortunately, Jeff and I hadn't bothered to do any spellwork regarding weather for the wedding day (another use of magic that I feel less than enthusiastic about, especially since Jeff's ex-wife had a reputation for brazenly trying to manipulate the weather on a regular basis). We had a gorgeous week at the beach - sunny and warm and perfect beach weather - but the day of the wedding itself was gray and blustery, with winds so strong that almost the entire beach was covered by water (though usually even at high tide there was at least fifty yards of flat sand above the water's edge). Honestly, it was breathtakingly beautiful, though a bit chillier than we'd expected. Still, the rain held off the entire day (finally starting not thirty seconds after Jeff and I left together at the end of the reception), so we did have our ceremony down on the beach as we'd expected, on the threshold of the three realms. We had spent time during a visit the year before petitioning the spirits of the local land for their blessing on our wedding, and we had done similar work the day right before the wedding. Our guests joked that, well, we'd asked the elements and the three realms to show up, and they showed up in force! There may be some truth to that. (Jeff's oldest daughter, Savanah, said that during our invocations to the three realms in the ceremony itself, sand crabs and sea gulls both seemed to draw in closer to the small gathering of us on the beach.) All in all, it was an intense experience, and in some ways I think the weather forced everyone to really ground in their bodies and experience the power and beauty of the natural world in a deeply visceral way... which is exactly what we wanted. (My hair is probably going to be an absolute mess in all of our wedding photos, though!)
During our honeymoon the following two weeks - which we spent out in Utah and New Mexico camping and hiking in various national parks - I spent a lot of time working through some inner blocks or issues involving my career and in particular with my writing. I plan to write up something on this experience sometime soon and share it to my Working the Three Realms blog, so if you're interested in that, you can check it out there.
Since this letter has become way too long already, though, I'll end it here for now. Looking forward to hearing from you. Hoping your autumn has been well and blessed so far! I'd love to hear how you work with Erynn's book and the Three Cauldrons has been going!
--Ali
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Astrology of Me: Natal Chart Analysis (Part 2)
Days of Note: Flamekeeping (begins at sundown), pilgrimage to the Angel Oak
Sun: gemini (mutable air), 6:16am - 8:18pm
Moon: last quarter, pisces (mutable water)
Earth: hot and sunny, we're down in Summerville, South Carolina (near Charleston) staying in a lovely French B&B to visit the old Angel Oak; everything here lush and green and muggy
II. The Main Components of the Chart Structure
§A Patterns Using the Astrological Alphabet
Using the 12-letter "Astrological Alphabet" (p.176) to examine the signs and houses of each of the planets as well as the important aspects (5º orb) among the planets, three themes emerge as having particular emphasis.
The first is a triple emphasis on the relationship between Letter 1 and Letter 8 — Mars in the 8th house trine Pluto in the 1st house. Here Mars (1) is in close aspect with Pluto (8), with Mars (1) in the 8th house (8) and Pluto (8) in the 1st house (1). I'm not exactly sure what this theme means, but it's actually the example he uses in the book, where he explains that "the expression of Mars energy will be powerfully characterized by Plutonian qualities." Mars is characterized generally as desire, will-power or will to action, initiative and physical energy, and describes what kinds of energy we use to assert ourselves and what will drive us and give us energy. Pluto is characterized by transformation, transmutation, rebirth and intense focus. Both planets have strong associations with courage, desire and the way we exert our will. The "toning" of Mars with Plutonian energy suggests that I seek to assert myself and my will by turning my focus inward to bring about personal transformation (rather than directing it outwards against others, perhaps?) and that I also feel energized physically by intense, transformative experiences (maybe this relates to my approach to physical exercise as well?).
Tompkins describes the Mars-Pluto aspect as being about a "fight for survival" that can express itself as an intense (but sometimes hidden) competitive nature, either directed outwards in competition with others or turned inwards in competition with the self. There is also some suggestion of associations with both buried rage and buried sexuality (Pluto having a "burying" effect on the aggressive and/or sexual energies of Mars), which can express itself either in repressed anger or passion sublimated as passive aggressiveness or manipulation, or a focus on the "darker" aspects of self and society that others would rather be buried and denied. Tompkins focuses mostly on hard/challenging aspects between the two; the fact that Mars trines Pluto in my chart may indicate that I have an easier time facing the "dark side" of passion and aggression, that I am better able to accept and acknowledge the violence, competitiveness and sexuality in my nature than someone with a challenging aspect. (On the other hand, this might mean that I will tend to take for granted that aggression or sexuality will be "buried" — which might explain why, to some extent, I am prudishly uncomfortable with public flaunting of sexuality or socially condoned forms of violence, expecting them to be reined in or restrained even while acknowledging those forces as inherent aspects of ourselves. A trine might suggest that I take for granted this kind of "burying" or sublimating of aggressive/sexual passions because it comes fairly easily to me.)(N.B. On this last parenthetical bit: Jeff doesn't think so. Maybe he will leave a comment explaining his take in detail… hint hint.)
There is also a double emphasis on the relationship between Letter 1 and Letter 10 (Saturn in the 1st house trine Mars), which is no real surprise since Saturn and Pluto are in such close conjunction in my chart that they tend to act almost as a single influence. In this case, Saturn (10) is in close trine aspect with Mars (1), and Saturn (10) is also in the 1st house (1). In this case, then, the Mars energies of desire, will-power, activity and physical energy will be toned or influenced by the Saturnian characteristics of effort, integrity, authority, (self-)discipline, responsibilities and patience. Both planets have connections to how we assert ourselves and our will — Mars through passion and initiative, Saturn through concentrated effort and diligence over time. This theme may suggest that I seek to assert myself through disciplined effort and that I connect this effort with my sense of personal integrity, taking on responsibilities and expecting my work to earn me a certain amount of authority. In turn, it may suggest that I feel energized and spurred to action when I am put into situations that demand patience, diligence and the shouldering of responsibilities.
Tompkins, as usual, says so much about the Mars-Saturn aspect that it's hard to distill and clarify the main thrust of the relationship. There are some influences echoing those of Mars-Pluto (likely to be especially important considering Saturn's close conjunction with Pluto in my chart), in particular a certain ambivalent attitude towards both violence/rage and passion/sexuality — in this case, these energies are not "buried" as with Pluto, so much as brought under tighter control. (Arroyo suggests that Saturn can cause blocks precisely because these areas are of particular importance or weight to a person, like trying to force too much water through too tight an opening.) The Mars-Saturn relationship also suggests conflicts concerned with or about authority, either fighting on behalf of authority or struggling against authority. As with Pluto, however, the Mars-Saturn aspect can indicate the ability to bring great passion, energy and courage and direct them towards a particular aim — rather than the transformation of Pluto, in this case Saturn's urges towards integrity, responsibility and discipline — and in doing so, accomplish great things. Again, because the Mars-Saturn aspect is a trine in my chart, there's an indication that this kind of concerted effort and discipline may come naturally to me, that I am able to deftly handle the balance between impulse and discipline, assertiveness and control, fear and courage. (This may also reflect my tendency to "go overboard" when I set myself a particular task, channeling a great deal of energy and activity into the chosen are of hard work — for instance, I'm starting to think I may be overdoing it a bit with this chart analysis!) Interestingly, Tompkins connects the Mars-Saturn aspect with tasks that require a lot of discipline and control along with physical strength and effort — among these, she mentions blacksmithing, one of the three skills ruled over by Brigid. The connection between smithcraft and transmutation/transformation found in Her nature may reflect to some extent Mars trine Saturn-Pluto in my chart. (I want to come back later to this issue of what insights astrology might be able to give us into our gods.)
The last theme is a double emphasis on the relationship between Letter 9 and Letter 11 — Uranus in Sagittarius conjunct Jupiter. Here, Jupiter (9) is in close aspect with Uranus (11), while Uranus (11) is in Sagittarius (9). This suggests that Jupiter will be influenced by the energies of Uranus, while Uranus is also tempered and toned by the energies of Jupiter (ruler of Sagittarius). Jupiter is characterized by grace, expansion/expansiveness, trust and faith in a larger order or meaning, and its influence describes how we strive to grow, improve ourselves and where we seek confidence and our sense of grace. Uranus is characterized by freedom, independence, experimentation, originality and creativity, and describes how we differentiate ourselves from others and establish our uniqueness and individuality. The Jupiter-Uranus relationship suggests that my faith and experience of grace will be charged with a sense of freedom and affirmation of my individuality, and I may express this faith in unconventional or experimental ways. There is also a sense that the urge towards originality and creativity will be expansive and pervasive in my life.
Tompkins suggests that the Jupiter-Uranus aspect is defined largely by its tendency towards radical, fringe or unorthodox religious and/or political traditions and beliefs. This results from the relationship between faith, associated with Jupiter, and Uranus's association with truth. In this aspect, there is an urge to bring faith and the search for meaning into closer alignment or attunement with truth (as opposed to allowing the need for faith to overrule truth, as in fundamentalism, or the search for truth to undermine faith, as in nihilism/cynicism, I guess?). This aspect also reflects the importance of seeking faith in "personal truths" and often involved resisting or leaving a mainstream or orthodox religious or political tradition. There's not much more to elaborate on here, since this pretty much nails it. My choice to leave Catholicism (with its emphasis on tradition and the authority of the Church) and my involvement in Paganism (with its emphasis on plurality, diversity, freedom and creativity, especially creative ritual) reflect this theme strongly.
Further notes: What's especially interesting to me is that among these three themes emphasized in my chart, the last and arguably least emphasized is the one that is easiest for me to recognize and identify in my own life. This may have something to do with the fact that the aspect is a conjunction that falls within the sign ruled by one of the planets — and that this entire configuration is in the most important, exact and powerful opposition in my entire chart (with Mercury)… perhaps setting up a situation in which these energies are strong and obvious to me as something I have had to grapple with and articulate. The themes expressed in Saturn's and Pluto's trines with Mars are more difficult to pin down, their expressions in my life not so obvious… and this might have to do with the nature of the trine aspect as "soft" or easy, something that does not present a particular challenge and so can be to some extent taken for granted. Since these involve Saturn, however, I do want to examine these themes in more depth, especially as I approach my Saturn Return.
§B Dominant Aspects and Major Configurations
Much of this I already covered in the first part of my analysis, looking at the overall pattern of the chart as a whole. I noted the emphasis on the Gemini-Sagittarius opposition (strengthened by both Mercury and Jupiter falling within their ruling signs, as well as Mercury's exact opposition Uranus and the Sun's near-exact opposition Neptune). There is also a less powerful emphasis on the trine relationship between Gemini and Libra.
I do not have any dominant aspects (such as Grand Trines or T-Squares) in my chart, but I do have three different "groupings" of planets that could arguably be stelliums (depending on the orb). The first and probably most powerful falls within Gemini and involves the conjunction of my Sun and Mars with Mercury close by within the same sign. The second involves the conjunction of Saturn and Pluto with my Ascendent (with the Moon nearby in the same sign) in Libra. The third is Jupiter conjunct Uranus with Neptune nearby in the sign of Sagittarius. The Gemini stellium falls (very) roughly in my 8th house, while the Sagittarius stellium falls (again, very) roughly in my 2nd house; the stellium involving my Ascendent falls primarily within my 1st house but seems to kind of rope in my Moon in the 12th house.
Jeff described the 8th house to me once as the house of "sex, death and initiation" — all things that deal with power and transformation. Arroyo describes this house (a water house) as one of yearning and seeking after security for the soul, possibly through discovering the deepest laws of life (sex and death being two of the most powerful and most essential) as a stable foundation upon which to build a sense of inner peace. Occult studies are also considered to be related tot his house for similar reasons. A stellium in my 8th house (especially one that involves my Sun, though it's right on the cusp and technically in my 9th house) suggests a deep involvement in grappling with issues of power, passion and transformation, coming to terms with and finding peace through right relationship (or release from) desires and compulsions.
The 2nd house (an earth house) is one of material stability and security and might be characterized by a drive for an abundance of resources. This influence can expression itself through financial or material wealth, but is just as likely to involve an essential and deeply meaningful attunement with and appreciation of the natural world as a source of abundance, sustenance and support. A stellium involving a Jupiter-Uranus conjunction in my 2nd house goes even further to clarify my draw towards earth-centered spirituality, as my urge for stability and peace in the physical world is tied up with my sense of grace and trust in a deeper spiritual reality (as well as the desire for individuality and freedom).
I've already spent some time in-depth exploring the implications of Saturn and Pluto influenced by the Martian energies of the 1st house, and later in the analysis will be a particular focus on the Ascendent and any planets in close conjunction, so I'll forgo that analysis for now.
Sun: gemini (mutable air), 6:16am - 8:18pm
Moon: last quarter, pisces (mutable water)
Earth: hot and sunny, we're down in Summerville, South Carolina (near Charleston) staying in a lovely French B&B to visit the old Angel Oak; everything here lush and green and muggy
Based on Stephen Arroyo's Outline of Chart Interpretation
II. The Main Components of the Chart Structure
§A Patterns Using the Astrological Alphabet
Using the 12-letter "Astrological Alphabet" (p.176) to examine the signs and houses of each of the planets as well as the important aspects (5º orb) among the planets, three themes emerge as having particular emphasis.
The first is a triple emphasis on the relationship between Letter 1 and Letter 8 — Mars in the 8th house trine Pluto in the 1st house. Here Mars (1) is in close aspect with Pluto (8), with Mars (1) in the 8th house (8) and Pluto (8) in the 1st house (1). I'm not exactly sure what this theme means, but it's actually the example he uses in the book, where he explains that "the expression of Mars energy will be powerfully characterized by Plutonian qualities." Mars is characterized generally as desire, will-power or will to action, initiative and physical energy, and describes what kinds of energy we use to assert ourselves and what will drive us and give us energy. Pluto is characterized by transformation, transmutation, rebirth and intense focus. Both planets have strong associations with courage, desire and the way we exert our will. The "toning" of Mars with Plutonian energy suggests that I seek to assert myself and my will by turning my focus inward to bring about personal transformation (rather than directing it outwards against others, perhaps?) and that I also feel energized physically by intense, transformative experiences (maybe this relates to my approach to physical exercise as well?).
Tompkins describes the Mars-Pluto aspect as being about a "fight for survival" that can express itself as an intense (but sometimes hidden) competitive nature, either directed outwards in competition with others or turned inwards in competition with the self. There is also some suggestion of associations with both buried rage and buried sexuality (Pluto having a "burying" effect on the aggressive and/or sexual energies of Mars), which can express itself either in repressed anger or passion sublimated as passive aggressiveness or manipulation, or a focus on the "darker" aspects of self and society that others would rather be buried and denied. Tompkins focuses mostly on hard/challenging aspects between the two; the fact that Mars trines Pluto in my chart may indicate that I have an easier time facing the "dark side" of passion and aggression, that I am better able to accept and acknowledge the violence, competitiveness and sexuality in my nature than someone with a challenging aspect. (On the other hand, this might mean that I will tend to take for granted that aggression or sexuality will be "buried" — which might explain why, to some extent, I am prudishly uncomfortable with public flaunting of sexuality or socially condoned forms of violence, expecting them to be reined in or restrained even while acknowledging those forces as inherent aspects of ourselves. A trine might suggest that I take for granted this kind of "burying" or sublimating of aggressive/sexual passions because it comes fairly easily to me.)(N.B. On this last parenthetical bit: Jeff doesn't think so. Maybe he will leave a comment explaining his take in detail… hint hint.)
There is also a double emphasis on the relationship between Letter 1 and Letter 10 (Saturn in the 1st house trine Mars), which is no real surprise since Saturn and Pluto are in such close conjunction in my chart that they tend to act almost as a single influence. In this case, Saturn (10) is in close trine aspect with Mars (1), and Saturn (10) is also in the 1st house (1). In this case, then, the Mars energies of desire, will-power, activity and physical energy will be toned or influenced by the Saturnian characteristics of effort, integrity, authority, (self-)discipline, responsibilities and patience. Both planets have connections to how we assert ourselves and our will — Mars through passion and initiative, Saturn through concentrated effort and diligence over time. This theme may suggest that I seek to assert myself through disciplined effort and that I connect this effort with my sense of personal integrity, taking on responsibilities and expecting my work to earn me a certain amount of authority. In turn, it may suggest that I feel energized and spurred to action when I am put into situations that demand patience, diligence and the shouldering of responsibilities.
Tompkins, as usual, says so much about the Mars-Saturn aspect that it's hard to distill and clarify the main thrust of the relationship. There are some influences echoing those of Mars-Pluto (likely to be especially important considering Saturn's close conjunction with Pluto in my chart), in particular a certain ambivalent attitude towards both violence/rage and passion/sexuality — in this case, these energies are not "buried" as with Pluto, so much as brought under tighter control. (Arroyo suggests that Saturn can cause blocks precisely because these areas are of particular importance or weight to a person, like trying to force too much water through too tight an opening.) The Mars-Saturn relationship also suggests conflicts concerned with or about authority, either fighting on behalf of authority or struggling against authority. As with Pluto, however, the Mars-Saturn aspect can indicate the ability to bring great passion, energy and courage and direct them towards a particular aim — rather than the transformation of Pluto, in this case Saturn's urges towards integrity, responsibility and discipline — and in doing so, accomplish great things. Again, because the Mars-Saturn aspect is a trine in my chart, there's an indication that this kind of concerted effort and discipline may come naturally to me, that I am able to deftly handle the balance between impulse and discipline, assertiveness and control, fear and courage. (This may also reflect my tendency to "go overboard" when I set myself a particular task, channeling a great deal of energy and activity into the chosen are of hard work — for instance, I'm starting to think I may be overdoing it a bit with this chart analysis!) Interestingly, Tompkins connects the Mars-Saturn aspect with tasks that require a lot of discipline and control along with physical strength and effort — among these, she mentions blacksmithing, one of the three skills ruled over by Brigid. The connection between smithcraft and transmutation/transformation found in Her nature may reflect to some extent Mars trine Saturn-Pluto in my chart. (I want to come back later to this issue of what insights astrology might be able to give us into our gods.)
The last theme is a double emphasis on the relationship between Letter 9 and Letter 11 — Uranus in Sagittarius conjunct Jupiter. Here, Jupiter (9) is in close aspect with Uranus (11), while Uranus (11) is in Sagittarius (9). This suggests that Jupiter will be influenced by the energies of Uranus, while Uranus is also tempered and toned by the energies of Jupiter (ruler of Sagittarius). Jupiter is characterized by grace, expansion/expansiveness, trust and faith in a larger order or meaning, and its influence describes how we strive to grow, improve ourselves and where we seek confidence and our sense of grace. Uranus is characterized by freedom, independence, experimentation, originality and creativity, and describes how we differentiate ourselves from others and establish our uniqueness and individuality. The Jupiter-Uranus relationship suggests that my faith and experience of grace will be charged with a sense of freedom and affirmation of my individuality, and I may express this faith in unconventional or experimental ways. There is also a sense that the urge towards originality and creativity will be expansive and pervasive in my life.
Tompkins suggests that the Jupiter-Uranus aspect is defined largely by its tendency towards radical, fringe or unorthodox religious and/or political traditions and beliefs. This results from the relationship between faith, associated with Jupiter, and Uranus's association with truth. In this aspect, there is an urge to bring faith and the search for meaning into closer alignment or attunement with truth (as opposed to allowing the need for faith to overrule truth, as in fundamentalism, or the search for truth to undermine faith, as in nihilism/cynicism, I guess?). This aspect also reflects the importance of seeking faith in "personal truths" and often involved resisting or leaving a mainstream or orthodox religious or political tradition. There's not much more to elaborate on here, since this pretty much nails it. My choice to leave Catholicism (with its emphasis on tradition and the authority of the Church) and my involvement in Paganism (with its emphasis on plurality, diversity, freedom and creativity, especially creative ritual) reflect this theme strongly.
Further notes: What's especially interesting to me is that among these three themes emphasized in my chart, the last and arguably least emphasized is the one that is easiest for me to recognize and identify in my own life. This may have something to do with the fact that the aspect is a conjunction that falls within the sign ruled by one of the planets — and that this entire configuration is in the most important, exact and powerful opposition in my entire chart (with Mercury)… perhaps setting up a situation in which these energies are strong and obvious to me as something I have had to grapple with and articulate. The themes expressed in Saturn's and Pluto's trines with Mars are more difficult to pin down, their expressions in my life not so obvious… and this might have to do with the nature of the trine aspect as "soft" or easy, something that does not present a particular challenge and so can be to some extent taken for granted. Since these involve Saturn, however, I do want to examine these themes in more depth, especially as I approach my Saturn Return.
§B Dominant Aspects and Major Configurations
Much of this I already covered in the first part of my analysis, looking at the overall pattern of the chart as a whole. I noted the emphasis on the Gemini-Sagittarius opposition (strengthened by both Mercury and Jupiter falling within their ruling signs, as well as Mercury's exact opposition Uranus and the Sun's near-exact opposition Neptune). There is also a less powerful emphasis on the trine relationship between Gemini and Libra.
I do not have any dominant aspects (such as Grand Trines or T-Squares) in my chart, but I do have three different "groupings" of planets that could arguably be stelliums (depending on the orb). The first and probably most powerful falls within Gemini and involves the conjunction of my Sun and Mars with Mercury close by within the same sign. The second involves the conjunction of Saturn and Pluto with my Ascendent (with the Moon nearby in the same sign) in Libra. The third is Jupiter conjunct Uranus with Neptune nearby in the sign of Sagittarius. The Gemini stellium falls (very) roughly in my 8th house, while the Sagittarius stellium falls (again, very) roughly in my 2nd house; the stellium involving my Ascendent falls primarily within my 1st house but seems to kind of rope in my Moon in the 12th house.
Jeff described the 8th house to me once as the house of "sex, death and initiation" — all things that deal with power and transformation. Arroyo describes this house (a water house) as one of yearning and seeking after security for the soul, possibly through discovering the deepest laws of life (sex and death being two of the most powerful and most essential) as a stable foundation upon which to build a sense of inner peace. Occult studies are also considered to be related tot his house for similar reasons. A stellium in my 8th house (especially one that involves my Sun, though it's right on the cusp and technically in my 9th house) suggests a deep involvement in grappling with issues of power, passion and transformation, coming to terms with and finding peace through right relationship (or release from) desires and compulsions.
The 2nd house (an earth house) is one of material stability and security and might be characterized by a drive for an abundance of resources. This influence can expression itself through financial or material wealth, but is just as likely to involve an essential and deeply meaningful attunement with and appreciation of the natural world as a source of abundance, sustenance and support. A stellium involving a Jupiter-Uranus conjunction in my 2nd house goes even further to clarify my draw towards earth-centered spirituality, as my urge for stability and peace in the physical world is tied up with my sense of grace and trust in a deeper spiritual reality (as well as the desire for individuality and freedom).
I've already spent some time in-depth exploring the implications of Saturn and Pluto influenced by the Martian energies of the 1st house, and later in the analysis will be a particular focus on the Ascendent and any planets in close conjunction, so I'll forgo that analysis for now.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Astrology of Me: Natal Chart Analysis (Part 1)
Days of Note: Full White Lady Moon
Sun: taurus (fixed earth); 6:02am - 8:31pm
Moon: *full moon, sagittarius (mutable fire)
Earth: another gray, drizzly, chilly day with steady rain for hours on end, finally clearing just before sunset this evening with layers of cloud (and a tiny bit of clear blue breaking through) transforming the sky into a tapestry of blues and grays
I. The Chart as a Whole
§A.1 Preponderance & Deficiencies Shown by Planets' Positions • By Sign Placement
a) Elements
§A.2 Preponderance & Deficiencies Shown by Planets' Positions • By House Placement
a) Types
§B Overall Pattern of the Chart
Sun: taurus (fixed earth); 6:02am - 8:31pm
Moon: *full moon, sagittarius (mutable fire)
Earth: another gray, drizzly, chilly day with steady rain for hours on end, finally clearing just before sunset this evening with layers of cloud (and a tiny bit of clear blue breaking through) transforming the sky into a tapestry of blues and grays
Based on Stephen Arroyo's Outline of Chart Interpretation
I. The Chart as a Whole
§A.1 Preponderance & Deficiencies Shown by Planets' Positions • By Sign Placement
a) Elements
- Fire - Venus in Leo; Jupiter conjunct Uranus, and Neptune in Sagittarius
- Earth - none
- Air - Sun conjunct Mars, and Mercury in Gemini; AC conjunct Saturn and Pluto, and Moon in Libra
- Water - none
- Cardinal - AC conjunct Saturn and Pluto, and Moon in Libra
- Fixed - Venus in Leo
- Mutable - Sun conjunct Mars, and Mercury in Gemini; Jupiter conjunct Uranus, and Neptune in Sagittarius
§A.2 Preponderance & Deficiencies Shown by Planets' Positions • By House Placement
a) Types
- Angular - AC conjunct Saturn and Pluto in 1st; Venus in 10th
- Succedent - Jupiter conjunct Uranus in 2nd; Mercury and Mars in 8th
- Cadent - Neptune in 3rd (2nd?); Sun in 9th (8th?); Moon in 12
- Fire - AC conjunct Saturn and Pluto in 1st; Sun in 9th (8th?)
- Earth - Jupiter conjunct Uranus in 2nd; Venus in 10th
- Air - Neptune in 3rd (2nd?)
- Water - Mercury and Mars in 8th; Moon in 12th
§B Overall Pattern of the Chart
An emphasis on Gemini (mutable air) and Sagittarius (mutable fire), with a Sun-Mars conjunction opposite Neptune and a Jupiter-Uranus conjunction opposite Mercury. Both Mercury and Jupiter fall within the signs they rule (Gemini and Sagittarius, respectively), further emphasizing the Gemini-Sagittarius opposition. Sagittarius as a fire sign is associated with cosmic or universal radiant energy expressed as passion, enthusiasm and honesty, while Gemini as an air sign expresses this cosmic energy as life-energy and is concerned primarily with the realm of archetypes or ideas, the patterns "behind" the physical world. Both signs have a mutable quality, correlated to change, flux and flexibility (and can be conceived as spiral energy patterns, according to Arroyo). Sue Tompkins, in her text Aspects in Astrology, describes the Gemini-Sagittarius opposition as being a tension between the archetypal student (Gemini) eager for knowledge and the wise teacher (Sagittarius) as the keeper of that knowledge. (She also compares this pair to the Fool and Judgement (or Justice?) tarot cards, respectively, expressing a tension between a youthful and inquisitive innocence and a concern for wisdom, morality and justice.) This reflects Arroyo's understanding somewhat, as he describes Sagittarius as a sign of aspiration and drive towards ideals, while Gemini is a sign of perception, immediacy and connection (especially expressed verbally).
This suggests to me that one of the dominant patterns in my chart is this tension between, on the one hand, the sharp, perceptive mind of Gemini that leaps at the underlying patterns and connections expressed in the immediate world here-and-now (and especially wants to communicate these perceived connections) and, on the other hand, the more expansive vision of Sagittarius that can conceive of yet-unrealized ideals and pursue them with relentless, even restless passion and enthusiasm. In other words, a tension between the short view and the long view, a tension between fascination with the here-now and a passion for the future-that-could-be. At first, I don't see much in the way of conflict here, so much as complimentary passions…. But the role of Uranus (and Neptune to a lesser extent) complicates the picture. Uranus is in perfectly exact opposition with Mercury (the most exact aspect in the chart), while Neptune's opposition to the Sun is the second-most exact hard aspect (within a degree) in the chart. This brings an element of radical freedom and even chaos (Uranus) as well as a degree of self-deception or glamorization (Neptune) to the opposition. (This deserves some detailed expansion and exploration — so more of that later.)
Besides the Mutable Opposition dominating the chart, the second most obvious pattern is probably the Air Trine between Gemini and Libra (involving, for the most part, the Sun and Mars in Gemini, with Saturn and Pluto conjunct the Ascendent in Libra), along with the Moon also in Libra. Gemini and Libra also seem aligned roughly with the 8th and 12th houses, respectively, both houses ruled by water. I'm not sure what exactly this suggests and need to look into it further, but at least there seems to be an emphasis on a fairly comfortable relationship with learning and communication which may also involve an easy, flowing connection with emotion or feelings. Saturn's placement might complicate this trine somewhat, bringing a certain amount of tension or resistance to it… but again, something I want to look at more deeply later on.
Astrology of Me: Natal Charts
Spent the afternoon working on drawing up my natal chart by hand. Not intending to do this every time, certainly, but I thought it would be a good practice to do at least a few times early on to give me some insight into the signs, houses, elements and such.
Diagraming the aspects turned out to be the most difficult, in part because of dull colored pencils (and in part just my own awkwardness and stupidity). So the aspects shown are only approximate. Which is fine, because I intend to go back and do more charts focusing on particular planets and their aspects.
Here is the computer-generated natal chart available from astro.com:
Diagraming the aspects turned out to be the most difficult, in part because of dull colored pencils (and in part just my own awkwardness and stupidity). So the aspects shown are only approximate. Which is fine, because I intend to go back and do more charts focusing on particular planets and their aspects.
Here is the computer-generated natal chart available from astro.com:
Thursday, May 12, 2011
DOTR Lesson 4: Air
Sun: taurus (earth/fixed), 6:07am - 8:26pm
Moon: waxing gibbous, virgo (earth/mutable)
Earth: gorgeous and sunny, bright morning, with an afternoon getting up near 80º with thundershowers
I've done a pretty poor job of keeping up with this diary over the past month or so, but that doesn't mean I haven't continued my spiritual work, as well as work more specifically pertaining to DOTR. Sometimes it's difficult to remember to journal here, just because so much of my work seems to tie back in to my spiritual life and path in one way or another, though perhaps not always in clearly definable ways. In any case, I just finished some meditation on Air (for Lesson 3), and I wanted to spend some time noting a few important bits. But (as to be expected, I suppose), I'm feeling a bit "air headed" and scatter brained at the moment, so don't expect too much coherence.
First, a reflection on Air as an element. On Monday morning, I sat outside and did a simple ritual of meditation and connection with the element of Air (though, thanks to the brilliant weather we've been having, I also made passing acquaintance with Fire in the form of sunlight and, subsequently, sunburn). I haven't been keeping up with my meditation as much as I would like, and there have been plenty of things to distract me (more on that later), so I wasn't able to sink deeply into trance or anything like that. But rather than force it, I simply allowed myself to spend time with the element as it expressed itself in my immediate landscape. I felt the breeze on my skin, listened to it play through the wind chimes in the backyard, and watched as it moved the spiraling incense smoke this way and that, turning first away from me, then surrounding me, then lifting up to disappear into the air above me.
Sitting inside this morning to do meditation, I again watched the incense and not for the first time marveled at how solid the forms of smoke seemed, how they kept their shape (though that shape was definitely mutable and spiraling and every-changing) and I could watch one bend or curl of smoke as it wafted on its own unique journey through the barely moving currents of air in the room until it slowly faded — not so much dissipating as simply disappearing, fading away.
This brings my mind back to the relationship between the four classical elements (earth, air, fire and water) and the three Druidic elements of nwyfre, gwyar and calas. In JMG's Druidry Handbook, I always found the explanation rather dissatisfying. It seems to me that these three v. four are distinct systems of understanding the world, with their own implications, and if that's true then one should be able to bring them to bear on one another. Instead, in the Handbook, the four seem simply an extension of the three — so that the implication is the three are somehow incomplete — and nwyfre seems to morph and change not in any essential way, but more as a matter of convenience, taking on whatever extra role seems necessary. Really, the three Druidic elements as JMG presents them seem like a hobbled version of the four classical elements, less like a three-legged stool than a four-legged chair you've taken a saw to. In our teaching work with Savanah, Jeff and I have tried to develop both an understanding of the three elements as complete in themselves, and an understanding of how the four elements can be understood in relation to the three. Anyone who talks to a twelve year old probably knows that you need to know your shit and have your explanations clear if you want to escape endless scrutiny. It took a while to explain why gwyar was different from water, for instance, and calas not quite the same as earth, and so on. But it's been helpful work, and has forced me to articulate some things in my own approach.
The approach I use now is that the three Druidic elements can be understood as guiding principles or aspects of the world. I understand them, most simply, as form, flow and force (for calas, gwyar and nwyfre). Thus, calas is the principle of form, manifestation, boundaries, limits, distinction and individuality. Gwyar is the principle of flow, exchange, movement, communication, connection and freedom. And nwyfre is the principle of force, energy, initiative, desire (and repulsion), drive and life-force in the kind of spiritual sense. Each of these describes aspects that can be found in absolutely everything in the physical (and nonphysical) world.
How do these relate to the four classical elements of earth, air, fire and water? Here I borrow an understanding from astrology (and as I study more, the more I see how much insight this approach has to offer!). The three Druidic elements can be likened to the three qualities in astrology known as cardinal (corresponding in my understanding with nwyfre), mutable (with gwyar) and fixed (with calas) — for each of the twelve zodiac, a sign is a combination of one of these three aspects with one of the four classical elements. Thus, you have Taurus as fixed earth while Virgo is mutable earth, Leo is fixed fire while Aries is cardinal fire, and so on. The three combined in this way with the four create twelve, each with its own particular expression. Taking a cue from astrology then, I see the three Druidic elements as principles or aspects, and I see the four classical elements as qualities or "building blocks," so to speak. Each of the four classical elements has a quality to it that can be expressed by any of the three principles. Thus earth is dark, cool, dry and heavy; air is bright, light, hot and moist; fire is bright, light, hot and dry, water is dark, cool, moist and heavy. These combination of qualities mean each element has particular associations as well — times, places, objects, tools and other symbols that best exemplify or embody the quality particular to that element. (So, for instance, the seasons: spring as warm and moist, summer as hot and dry, fall as cool and moist, winter as cold and dry.)
But the key here is that each of the elements can be expressed through any of the principles represented by the three Druidic elements. Thus, we can have fire as a quality expressed in calas - that principle of a physical fire which gives it shape and definition in our experiential engagement, which imbues it with a kind of perceivable form, that gives it an edge and a boundary. Fire expressed in gwyar is the process of combustion and consumption, the transformation of fuel into flame through a reaction and exchange. Or, another example, earth in calas is, most simply, the material world itself, all around us, which we experience as a realm of form and manifestation, full of distinct entities with limits, boundaries that bump up against one another. Earth expressed by the principle of nwyfre, on the other hand, is the urge in Spirit itself to manifest through form and limit. It is the spark, the initiative, the force of life that gives rise to form, that seeks to consolidate itself into particular organized entities. It is the energy of nwyfre expressed through the quality of darkness and opacity and heaviness.
These are just preliminary thoughts, and I have work to do to tease out the details and how each combination really works. Some qualities (four elements) seem to have particular affinity with certain principles (three elements). (For instance, the element of water is deeply related to the element or principle of gwyar.) So one thing I want to do during this time of revisiting the four elements through the DOTR work is to explore how each of the four elements is expressed or exemplified or affected by the three Druidic elements as principles of being. I'm hoping my divination work will help with this as well. Not only do I plan to keep studying astrology during this time, but I'm also looking into Erynn Rowan Laurie's book on the ogham, in which she talks about using three full sets (of 20) for three "currents" — chthonic, oceanic and celestial — corresponding to the three realms. My understanding of the three Druidic elements of calas, gwyar and nwyfre is that they also correspond to the three realms… though exactly how they correspond is something I'm still working out, and some of it will depend on my deeper research into this approach to ogham.
In particular, on that note, I find myself wavering between associating calas or gwyar with the chthonic/earthy realm. My two patron deities, Brigid Star Fire and Manannan, seem to dwell in tension with each other, with Brigid very much a deity of sky and the celestial, while Manannan is not only a deity of the ocean, but of the depths and the darkness, so that he also seems connected to the "underground" (as well as the mists that rise from the earth to obscure our way, and the rain that pours from the sky and soaks into the earth, seeking its depths). This is another issue that I have with the DOTR Three Realms practice itself. Maybe because of my aesthetic sense of my need for balance (or because I am overly analytical about these things) — I find myself wanting to reach down to connect with "water" (or more specifically, with gwyar) below instead of with "earthy" aspects associated with calas and the land. For me, the blue, deep, dark, heavy, moist, watery qualities below can then be brought into relationship with the yellow, high, bright, light, dry, fiery celestial energies of nwyfre above…. mixing and mingling and expressing themselves in the green aspects of calas and the land, the realm of form and manifestation.
The tree then, a mighty presence of the land, is a symbol of that bridge and that relationship — reaching its branches and leaves up into the sky for sunlight and air, and reaching its roots deep into the earth in search of water and nutrients…. at both these extremes, you have fluidity, exchange, change and a kind of blurring of boundaries, a liminality where Tree merges with that which is seeks. And then, having received the gifts of the heights and the depths, the fire and the water, these extremes, opposites, are integrated and brought into relationship in such a way that you have the "middle earth," the land we walk upon as a meeting place of these other realms, the realm of unique manifestation and expression, individuality and boundaries. The individual can be lost in the mysteries of the depths just as in the celestial mysteries — there is a dark mysticism as well as a bright mysticism. But the "real world" of sensual, sensory experience, where we know ourselves as distinct entities for the most part (only sometimes sinking into depths or rising to heights where we forget our "selves" completely in union with something greater)… that's the realm of calas, of the land, and the Tree. It seems to me that a daily spiritual practice works best (in my experience, anyway) when it teaches us how to bring the more liminal, fluid mysteries of the depths and the heights and integrate them and express them in the everyday world around us. In Kabbalism, as I understand it, there's the idea of climbing up the tree to reach those heights, and then bringing that energy back down "the lightning strike zigzagging through the ten sefirot. But in this idea, the tree not only reaches up towards the celestial, but down as well, into the depth and darkness of the "underworld," and that energy and experience is brought into relationship from both directions into a center. (Plus, blue + yellow = green, duh!)
Is this "underworld" of watery depths and darkness most appropriately called "chthonic"? I'm not sure — I haven't ever used that term much. Perhaps "oceanic" makes more sense, especially since we tend to think (even if just metaphorically) of the lands kind of "floating" on the oceans (and understanding the underground lakes and rivers, the moistness of caves, and even the liquid molten rock below the earth's crust, it makes a kind of literal sense as well). If that's the case, then, does chthonic fit well with the idea of the Tree as bridge between celestial and oceanic, and the land as a kind of "middle ground" where these two Mysteries are brought into manifestation? I can't answer that, because I don't know enough about what the word "chthonic" is supposed to imply (though my first instinct is to answer no, it doesn't quite fit). Still, the relationship between "fire" and "water" (not as elements, now, but as symbols or representatives of the realms, I guess) is something that seems to rest at the core of my Celtic spirituality…. So it's worth exploring. Perhaps I'll tidy this up a bit and post it to the DOTR group blog for some feedback.
This became a long, rambling exploration in a rather more abstract way than I'd originally intended. This was all sparked by my observation during meditation of the way the incense smoke hung together, spiraling around itself — or, the other day, cast shadows on my arms and chest as I sat in the sunlight — bringing to mind again that this smoke, and the air currents themselves, are still very much expressing themselves in calas. The air currents, though they seem invisible to the human eye, are just as distinct, real things as fire or earth (or water and its slightly less invisible currents). To the birds who fly through the air, or the dogs and other animals navigating by scent, the currents of air are palpable presences, distinct bodies with their own boundaries. A story David Abram tells in his book, Becoming Animal, illustrates this point nicely — he describes one time watching ducks flying into a hard wind, dipping here and there, testing to find the edges of the strongest current of air and where there were slips and gaps in the wall of wind coming at them that they could push their way through. For the ducks, the air was as solid and bounded a thing as the landscapes of hills and valleys, forests and fields that we walk through, looking for our own slips and gaps to help us make our way. So air has expression in calas, in the realm of form and manifestation. The invisible, the unseen still has an active presence in and engagement with the manifest world. And as I watched the incense smoke, I understand that the element of Air, too, has its limits and boundaries.
I did want to talk a little bit about some other work I've been doing, but it seems that most of the morning has passed while I've been writing this (and I haven't even done a tarot card reading!). So I'll wrap things up here and maybe come back to it later. I am going to try to be more diligent in writing down these various reflections and experiences. I swear!
Moon: waxing gibbous, virgo (earth/mutable)
Earth: gorgeous and sunny, bright morning, with an afternoon getting up near 80º with thundershowers
I've done a pretty poor job of keeping up with this diary over the past month or so, but that doesn't mean I haven't continued my spiritual work, as well as work more specifically pertaining to DOTR. Sometimes it's difficult to remember to journal here, just because so much of my work seems to tie back in to my spiritual life and path in one way or another, though perhaps not always in clearly definable ways. In any case, I just finished some meditation on Air (for Lesson 3), and I wanted to spend some time noting a few important bits. But (as to be expected, I suppose), I'm feeling a bit "air headed" and scatter brained at the moment, so don't expect too much coherence.
First, a reflection on Air as an element. On Monday morning, I sat outside and did a simple ritual of meditation and connection with the element of Air (though, thanks to the brilliant weather we've been having, I also made passing acquaintance with Fire in the form of sunlight and, subsequently, sunburn). I haven't been keeping up with my meditation as much as I would like, and there have been plenty of things to distract me (more on that later), so I wasn't able to sink deeply into trance or anything like that. But rather than force it, I simply allowed myself to spend time with the element as it expressed itself in my immediate landscape. I felt the breeze on my skin, listened to it play through the wind chimes in the backyard, and watched as it moved the spiraling incense smoke this way and that, turning first away from me, then surrounding me, then lifting up to disappear into the air above me.
Sitting inside this morning to do meditation, I again watched the incense and not for the first time marveled at how solid the forms of smoke seemed, how they kept their shape (though that shape was definitely mutable and spiraling and every-changing) and I could watch one bend or curl of smoke as it wafted on its own unique journey through the barely moving currents of air in the room until it slowly faded — not so much dissipating as simply disappearing, fading away.
This brings my mind back to the relationship between the four classical elements (earth, air, fire and water) and the three Druidic elements of nwyfre, gwyar and calas. In JMG's Druidry Handbook, I always found the explanation rather dissatisfying. It seems to me that these three v. four are distinct systems of understanding the world, with their own implications, and if that's true then one should be able to bring them to bear on one another. Instead, in the Handbook, the four seem simply an extension of the three — so that the implication is the three are somehow incomplete — and nwyfre seems to morph and change not in any essential way, but more as a matter of convenience, taking on whatever extra role seems necessary. Really, the three Druidic elements as JMG presents them seem like a hobbled version of the four classical elements, less like a three-legged stool than a four-legged chair you've taken a saw to. In our teaching work with Savanah, Jeff and I have tried to develop both an understanding of the three elements as complete in themselves, and an understanding of how the four elements can be understood in relation to the three. Anyone who talks to a twelve year old probably knows that you need to know your shit and have your explanations clear if you want to escape endless scrutiny. It took a while to explain why gwyar was different from water, for instance, and calas not quite the same as earth, and so on. But it's been helpful work, and has forced me to articulate some things in my own approach.
The approach I use now is that the three Druidic elements can be understood as guiding principles or aspects of the world. I understand them, most simply, as form, flow and force (for calas, gwyar and nwyfre). Thus, calas is the principle of form, manifestation, boundaries, limits, distinction and individuality. Gwyar is the principle of flow, exchange, movement, communication, connection and freedom. And nwyfre is the principle of force, energy, initiative, desire (and repulsion), drive and life-force in the kind of spiritual sense. Each of these describes aspects that can be found in absolutely everything in the physical (and nonphysical) world.
How do these relate to the four classical elements of earth, air, fire and water? Here I borrow an understanding from astrology (and as I study more, the more I see how much insight this approach has to offer!). The three Druidic elements can be likened to the three qualities in astrology known as cardinal (corresponding in my understanding with nwyfre), mutable (with gwyar) and fixed (with calas) — for each of the twelve zodiac, a sign is a combination of one of these three aspects with one of the four classical elements. Thus, you have Taurus as fixed earth while Virgo is mutable earth, Leo is fixed fire while Aries is cardinal fire, and so on. The three combined in this way with the four create twelve, each with its own particular expression. Taking a cue from astrology then, I see the three Druidic elements as principles or aspects, and I see the four classical elements as qualities or "building blocks," so to speak. Each of the four classical elements has a quality to it that can be expressed by any of the three principles. Thus earth is dark, cool, dry and heavy; air is bright, light, hot and moist; fire is bright, light, hot and dry, water is dark, cool, moist and heavy. These combination of qualities mean each element has particular associations as well — times, places, objects, tools and other symbols that best exemplify or embody the quality particular to that element. (So, for instance, the seasons: spring as warm and moist, summer as hot and dry, fall as cool and moist, winter as cold and dry.)
But the key here is that each of the elements can be expressed through any of the principles represented by the three Druidic elements. Thus, we can have fire as a quality expressed in calas - that principle of a physical fire which gives it shape and definition in our experiential engagement, which imbues it with a kind of perceivable form, that gives it an edge and a boundary. Fire expressed in gwyar is the process of combustion and consumption, the transformation of fuel into flame through a reaction and exchange. Or, another example, earth in calas is, most simply, the material world itself, all around us, which we experience as a realm of form and manifestation, full of distinct entities with limits, boundaries that bump up against one another. Earth expressed by the principle of nwyfre, on the other hand, is the urge in Spirit itself to manifest through form and limit. It is the spark, the initiative, the force of life that gives rise to form, that seeks to consolidate itself into particular organized entities. It is the energy of nwyfre expressed through the quality of darkness and opacity and heaviness.
These are just preliminary thoughts, and I have work to do to tease out the details and how each combination really works. Some qualities (four elements) seem to have particular affinity with certain principles (three elements). (For instance, the element of water is deeply related to the element or principle of gwyar.) So one thing I want to do during this time of revisiting the four elements through the DOTR work is to explore how each of the four elements is expressed or exemplified or affected by the three Druidic elements as principles of being. I'm hoping my divination work will help with this as well. Not only do I plan to keep studying astrology during this time, but I'm also looking into Erynn Rowan Laurie's book on the ogham, in which she talks about using three full sets (of 20) for three "currents" — chthonic, oceanic and celestial — corresponding to the three realms. My understanding of the three Druidic elements of calas, gwyar and nwyfre is that they also correspond to the three realms… though exactly how they correspond is something I'm still working out, and some of it will depend on my deeper research into this approach to ogham.
In particular, on that note, I find myself wavering between associating calas or gwyar with the chthonic/earthy realm. My two patron deities, Brigid Star Fire and Manannan, seem to dwell in tension with each other, with Brigid very much a deity of sky and the celestial, while Manannan is not only a deity of the ocean, but of the depths and the darkness, so that he also seems connected to the "underground" (as well as the mists that rise from the earth to obscure our way, and the rain that pours from the sky and soaks into the earth, seeking its depths). This is another issue that I have with the DOTR Three Realms practice itself. Maybe because of my aesthetic sense of my need for balance (or because I am overly analytical about these things) — I find myself wanting to reach down to connect with "water" (or more specifically, with gwyar) below instead of with "earthy" aspects associated with calas and the land. For me, the blue, deep, dark, heavy, moist, watery qualities below can then be brought into relationship with the yellow, high, bright, light, dry, fiery celestial energies of nwyfre above…. mixing and mingling and expressing themselves in the green aspects of calas and the land, the realm of form and manifestation.
The tree then, a mighty presence of the land, is a symbol of that bridge and that relationship — reaching its branches and leaves up into the sky for sunlight and air, and reaching its roots deep into the earth in search of water and nutrients…. at both these extremes, you have fluidity, exchange, change and a kind of blurring of boundaries, a liminality where Tree merges with that which is seeks. And then, having received the gifts of the heights and the depths, the fire and the water, these extremes, opposites, are integrated and brought into relationship in such a way that you have the "middle earth," the land we walk upon as a meeting place of these other realms, the realm of unique manifestation and expression, individuality and boundaries. The individual can be lost in the mysteries of the depths just as in the celestial mysteries — there is a dark mysticism as well as a bright mysticism. But the "real world" of sensual, sensory experience, where we know ourselves as distinct entities for the most part (only sometimes sinking into depths or rising to heights where we forget our "selves" completely in union with something greater)… that's the realm of calas, of the land, and the Tree. It seems to me that a daily spiritual practice works best (in my experience, anyway) when it teaches us how to bring the more liminal, fluid mysteries of the depths and the heights and integrate them and express them in the everyday world around us. In Kabbalism, as I understand it, there's the idea of climbing up the tree to reach those heights, and then bringing that energy back down "the lightning strike zigzagging through the ten sefirot. But in this idea, the tree not only reaches up towards the celestial, but down as well, into the depth and darkness of the "underworld," and that energy and experience is brought into relationship from both directions into a center. (Plus, blue + yellow = green, duh!)
Is this "underworld" of watery depths and darkness most appropriately called "chthonic"? I'm not sure — I haven't ever used that term much. Perhaps "oceanic" makes more sense, especially since we tend to think (even if just metaphorically) of the lands kind of "floating" on the oceans (and understanding the underground lakes and rivers, the moistness of caves, and even the liquid molten rock below the earth's crust, it makes a kind of literal sense as well). If that's the case, then, does chthonic fit well with the idea of the Tree as bridge between celestial and oceanic, and the land as a kind of "middle ground" where these two Mysteries are brought into manifestation? I can't answer that, because I don't know enough about what the word "chthonic" is supposed to imply (though my first instinct is to answer no, it doesn't quite fit). Still, the relationship between "fire" and "water" (not as elements, now, but as symbols or representatives of the realms, I guess) is something that seems to rest at the core of my Celtic spirituality…. So it's worth exploring. Perhaps I'll tidy this up a bit and post it to the DOTR group blog for some feedback.
This became a long, rambling exploration in a rather more abstract way than I'd originally intended. This was all sparked by my observation during meditation of the way the incense smoke hung together, spiraling around itself — or, the other day, cast shadows on my arms and chest as I sat in the sunlight — bringing to mind again that this smoke, and the air currents themselves, are still very much expressing themselves in calas. The air currents, though they seem invisible to the human eye, are just as distinct, real things as fire or earth (or water and its slightly less invisible currents). To the birds who fly through the air, or the dogs and other animals navigating by scent, the currents of air are palpable presences, distinct bodies with their own boundaries. A story David Abram tells in his book, Becoming Animal, illustrates this point nicely — he describes one time watching ducks flying into a hard wind, dipping here and there, testing to find the edges of the strongest current of air and where there were slips and gaps in the wall of wind coming at them that they could push their way through. For the ducks, the air was as solid and bounded a thing as the landscapes of hills and valleys, forests and fields that we walk through, looking for our own slips and gaps to help us make our way. So air has expression in calas, in the realm of form and manifestation. The invisible, the unseen still has an active presence in and engagement with the manifest world. And as I watched the incense smoke, I understand that the element of Air, too, has its limits and boundaries.
I did want to talk a little bit about some other work I've been doing, but it seems that most of the morning has passed while I've been writing this (and I haven't even done a tarot card reading!). So I'll wrap things up here and maybe come back to it later. I am going to try to be more diligent in writing down these various reflections and experiences. I swear!
Friday, May 6, 2011
Hasty Letter to Mentor
Wow, B--! That sounds like an amazing moment! :)
I'm wondering if I'm experiencing a little energy boost as a result of my ties to the grove, because after a month or two of feeling "blocked" spiritually (or, more accurately, feeling so intensely engaged with practical life stuff, I haven't had time to do much more than meditate), the last day or two I've had a renewal of energy and focus. My flamekeeping shift for Brigid was just yesterday, and I actually spent part of that time going back over the DOTR lessons and looking at where I am and what's coming up next. So your message is well timed! ;)
Right now, I'm just about to start in on the lessons for the four elements, starting with Air. I'm in the process of studying, on my own time, the basics of astrology, as well as Erynn Rowan Laurie's take on the ogham. So I'm thinking of tying the four element work in to that exploration (since I have more than a passing familiarity with the four elements already, and this would provide a refresher as well as a more in-depth exploration). I'm beginning my study of astrology with Stephen Arroyo's handbook, but plan to move on to his well-known work "Astrology, Psychology and the Four Elements" where he explores the energies of the four elements and how they express themselves in the planets, houses and aspects in great depth. I'll probably read that over the course of the next few months, even if it doesn't precisely match up with the lessons as they're outlined.
My other concern right now is finding a grove to practice with in-person here in Pittsburgh. On Imbolc, I attended a rite hosted by the local ADF grove, which was a very good experience for me. Since then, I've been meaning to make it to some of their discussion groups and smaller blessing rites that they hold throughout the month, but my schedule has been full-to-bursting (and last Sunday's Beltaine ritual was rained out - so Jeff and I did a simple garden blessing ritual with the kids in the backyard instead.) Also, part of me feels like if I'm going to be regularly involved in their work, perhaps it makes sense for me to "officially" join ADF. But I'm hesitant to do that in part because I definitely part ways with them on some key theological issues, and in part because I'm not so inclined to go through yet another year-and-a-day introductory course!
Jeff and I continue to talk about forming a grove of our own more in keeping with DOTR's style, and eventually he will decide to commit to joining DOTR as well. He's just not a very big group joiner in general, and not very keen on ritual - a bit too much Zen in him - he likes to just chase whatever interests him at the moment. I definitely feel that some in-person, real-life commitment and ritual work would be beneficial for me at this point, though, so maybe I can work on him. ;)
So that pretty much sums it up. Sorry this response is a bit rushed. Hopefully I'll have time a bit later today to sit down and go over things a bit more carefully. For now, have to run!
--Ali
I'm wondering if I'm experiencing a little energy boost as a result of my ties to the grove, because after a month or two of feeling "blocked" spiritually (or, more accurately, feeling so intensely engaged with practical life stuff, I haven't had time to do much more than meditate), the last day or two I've had a renewal of energy and focus. My flamekeeping shift for Brigid was just yesterday, and I actually spent part of that time going back over the DOTR lessons and looking at where I am and what's coming up next. So your message is well timed! ;)
Right now, I'm just about to start in on the lessons for the four elements, starting with Air. I'm in the process of studying, on my own time, the basics of astrology, as well as Erynn Rowan Laurie's take on the ogham. So I'm thinking of tying the four element work in to that exploration (since I have more than a passing familiarity with the four elements already, and this would provide a refresher as well as a more in-depth exploration). I'm beginning my study of astrology with Stephen Arroyo's handbook, but plan to move on to his well-known work "Astrology, Psychology and the Four Elements" where he explores the energies of the four elements and how they express themselves in the planets, houses and aspects in great depth. I'll probably read that over the course of the next few months, even if it doesn't precisely match up with the lessons as they're outlined.
My other concern right now is finding a grove to practice with in-person here in Pittsburgh. On Imbolc, I attended a rite hosted by the local ADF grove, which was a very good experience for me. Since then, I've been meaning to make it to some of their discussion groups and smaller blessing rites that they hold throughout the month, but my schedule has been full-to-bursting (and last Sunday's Beltaine ritual was rained out - so Jeff and I did a simple garden blessing ritual with the kids in the backyard instead.) Also, part of me feels like if I'm going to be regularly involved in their work, perhaps it makes sense for me to "officially" join ADF. But I'm hesitant to do that in part because I definitely part ways with them on some key theological issues, and in part because I'm not so inclined to go through yet another year-and-a-day introductory course!
Jeff and I continue to talk about forming a grove of our own more in keeping with DOTR's style, and eventually he will decide to commit to joining DOTR as well. He's just not a very big group joiner in general, and not very keen on ritual - a bit too much Zen in him - he likes to just chase whatever interests him at the moment. I definitely feel that some in-person, real-life commitment and ritual work would be beneficial for me at this point, though, so maybe I can work on him. ;)
So that pretty much sums it up. Sorry this response is a bit rushed. Hopefully I'll have time a bit later today to sit down and go over things a bit more carefully. For now, have to run!
--Ali
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Astrology of Me: Change and Career
By way of explaining my absence here for the past month or so, I'll just cite this excerpt from the astrology site that Jeff routinely checks. He checked it this morning when we were both up before dawn — he, out of self-discipline, and I, because I woke up around 5 AM thinking about coding and website design and couldn't fall back asleep.
Uranus Triune the Midheaven seems to pretty much nail it on the head.
This influence began in May 2010 (right around the time I first injured my wrist, which eventually led me to quitting my old job at the end of June 2010) and will last until January 2012. It's the kind of influence with peaks and troughs, and one of those peaks occurred just recently, building strength through February and cresting the third week of March — right during the week that Jeff and I were at a week-long business conference where I put in more than fifty hours of work. The next peak will come in October, during yet another week-long business conference.
So let's see. We've got:
√ a new career direction doing relatively nonconventional work from home
√ tax issues cropping up due to filing as a "self-employed" independent contractor
√ complications in exploring legal options for a Pagan wedding (not career related, but still)
√ new, intense interest in website design and the use of new media in unique ways
√ growing interest in astrology
So there you have it. I don't know why I even bother keeping a diary, if the stars are going to be so precise.
Uranus Triune the Midheaven seems to pretty much nail it on the head.
This influence represents a period in your life when you can make creative changes in both your professional and your personal life. In your career, sudden opportunities may come about that enable you to move in radically new and different directions. Often this influence signifies a change in career to another field such as scientific or technical professions, including electronics, computers and engineering. This influence can also signify an interest in the occult, especially astrology.
But this period has a larger significance. At this time you are able to change your life direction and do something that more truly expresses your individuality. The problem for most people is that this new field may be quite different from what you were taught was a "proper" profession. Most people's focus in this regard is too narrow. It is very important now to let yourself explore any field of endeavor that attracts you, regardless of how well it fits your preconceptions of a career. Please note that your new direction may not be a career in the usual sense but a field to which you devote your life, although it is unrelated to making a living. One's avocation may well be one's true calling.
The only restriction is that your new direction should be ethical and legal, simply because this influence can create serious problems with the law if you are not careful about legality.
This is also a time in your life when you will be innovative in whatever you do. Your thinking is fresh and original, and you do not try to solve new problems with old solutions, either in your profession or in your personal life. Thus you will be attracted to new techniques and new ideas, especially for your own personal development.
This influence began in May 2010 (right around the time I first injured my wrist, which eventually led me to quitting my old job at the end of June 2010) and will last until January 2012. It's the kind of influence with peaks and troughs, and one of those peaks occurred just recently, building strength through February and cresting the third week of March — right during the week that Jeff and I were at a week-long business conference where I put in more than fifty hours of work. The next peak will come in October, during yet another week-long business conference.
So let's see. We've got:
√ a new career direction doing relatively nonconventional work from home
√ tax issues cropping up due to filing as a "self-employed" independent contractor
√ complications in exploring legal options for a Pagan wedding (not career related, but still)
√ new, intense interest in website design and the use of new media in unique ways
√ growing interest in astrology
So there you have it. I don't know why I even bother keeping a diary, if the stars are going to be so precise.
Friday, December 31, 2010
New Year Divination: 2011
I lay down twelve cards, one for each of the astrological houses, beginning with the first house to the left and moving counter-clockwise around the central altar to the three realms.
The First House (Ascendant): The house of beginnings, our first reactions and immediate attitude to the external world around us; our personality, external characteristics, public persona and the first impressions we leave.
The Hierophant (V) — The priest and teacher of wisdom and ritual, the Hierophant represents our inner urge to seek meaning and craft meaningful, beautiful ways of living and moving in the world showing honor and without doing harm to others. He is a figure of tradition and ancient patterns rooted in the secrets of the earth and the ages. He brings the spiritual or religious urge into manifestation in the earthly realm through the careful cultivation and practice of ritual and rite, and through these he can reveal mysteries and great wisdom with patience and calm.
The Second House: The house of security, stability, property, wealth and income; our attitudes towards wealth and material possessions, and our financial fortunes and economic sense.
Ace of Wands — This card signifies a gift, the possibility of creativity, excitement and adventure, the first urge in a new direction which can be pursued with enthusiasm and energy. A card of beginnings, it may represent a threshold to be crossed, a new enterprise to undertake, or perhaps a challenge to be met with strength, intelligence and wit.
The Third House: The house of connection and communication through analytical and critical thinking, information exchange, news and publicity; practicality, trade and exchange, as well as brief contact and short, quick communications with others.
Three of Cups — This card signifies a time of celebration and joy in friendship and community with others. A moment to pause and appreciate the good work and good feeling that comes with initial success, to enjoy the moment with dance and song and other expressions of merriment and gratitude, while also knowing work still lies ahead as the process continues.
The Fourth House: The house of emotional comfort and inner security which provides a foundation, as well as our desire to care for and cherish others; thus, also tradition, family, ancestry and memories of our youth.
Nine of Wands — A card of vigilance and watchfulness, holding strength in reserve and holding true to that core of power and inner strength that we might not expect we have until we have been tested. This card urges us to be prepared and ever-ready, strong in our resolve to work through conflicts without losing our edge over time. But it also reminds us to keep an open mind and broad perspective, to rest secure in ourselves and not to go looking for conflict or to allow conflict to arise because we are too one-sided or belligerent.
The Fifth House: The house of pleasure, entertainment, play and love, as well as our creative impulses and our delight and inner satisfaction in our own productivity and activity; our desire to express ourselves and develop self-reliance.
The Hermit (IX) — The restlessness and yearning for solitude expresses itself in the Hermit, who follows his inner longing for deepening personal fulfillment, withdrawing from the sometimes harsh external world to seek the spiritual life within and the guidance and light it can give. The Hermit experiences the intensity of that calling to the inner life and embraces the depth and profundity of the greater whole. Though from the outside he may seem withdrawn, reserved or even passive, within he undertakes a journey of soul-longing to find his place in the greater whole and learn how to put this new understanding into practice.
The Sixth House: The house of everyday life, and the routine of work, diet, health and habit; our attitudes towards our work, its joys and frustrations, and our relationship with our physical bodies through the concrete daily tasks we engage in.
The Star (XVII) — The Star is a card of hope, renewal and peace. She dances, full of grace, gratitude and joy, among the shadows of the darkest night, welcoming the coming dawn with acceptance and appreciation as one who has released fear and discovered the inner guiding light that bestows self-confidence and poise. Within refreshing darkness, the Star cultivates the space to prepare and uplift the spirit, embracing all the potential we hold within and engaging creatively with what the future holds.
The Seventh House: The house of partnership and teamwork, our attitudes towards our partners, as well as our expectations and experiences of partnership; a need for harmony and balance, equilibrium and friendliness.
The Hanged Man (XII) — The Hanged Man signifies surrender and willing self-sacrifice, a well as emotional release and acceptance of the ups and downs, shadow and sun sides of life. The Hanged Man perseveres through difficulty and suffering not by resisting them or seeking to avoid them, but by resting in the secret, subtle knowledge within that he will survive, that his strength will endure and he will emerge from his experience wiser and more capable than before. This card is also one of shift and change, a reversal in perspective that may flip the world upside; the Hanged Man's center of gravity is not the mundane world of ordinary matters, but the deeper or "higher" gravity of the heavens, a spiritual sense that leads him to trust in and surrender to the greater patterns of the universe.
The Eighth House: The house of animal instinct, intuition and the unconscious, in particular how these express themselves in our attitudes and relationships; the urge to take risks and pursue creative tasks, as well as our fears and anxieties about our personal power and its expression.
Seven of Wands — This card has a paradoxical nature. On the one hand, it can represent the courage, faith and selflessness to take a stand to protect or fight for what we believe in and what's truly important; yet on the other hand, it may also indicate that our own actions and initiatives are the source or cause for the conflict we are experiencing. In both cases, this card encourages us to take heart and remember our strength, to be on our guard and tenacious in our striving, but also to be willing to adapt, to bend and sway with the changing winds.
The Ninth House: The house of expansive vision and ideals; a thirst for travel, as well as our attitudes towards higher education, philosophy, religion, spirituality and our sense of justice.
Eight of Cups — This card signifies the completion or resolution of an emotional situation, and a new resolution to go out seeking in new directions. It is a card that urges us to dive more deeply into the mysterious realms of our emotions and intuition, to follow our leading down into the depths and the dark where our vision may be softened and connections appear more fluid and smooth. The sharp lines and bright lights of the everyday mundane world might be left behind for a time, as we explore our emotional depths on a journey of personal discovery. Yet we may not be sure where this journey will lead us, or what we may encounter in the dark depths, and so insecurity or uncertainty may also be an aspect of this card's meaning.
The Tenth House: The house of demarcation, boundaries and social positions; our attitudes towards our place and function in the larger world and our desire to define our sense of self in relation to others.
Death (XIII) — This card signifies transition, change and transformation. A card of death and rebirth, it burns away the old patterns and ways of being, whether they are unhelpful, unhealthy or simply no longer serving their purpose. In their place, new ways of being and living emerge that open new possibilities and opportunities to us. If we cling to the old, we face stagnation and deadlock, and yet if we can embrace these changes we will discover ourselves renewed and transformed by the process. Still, death and change are not often easy, and each carries its own sorrows and griefs as well as amazing joys and ecstasies. So this card also encourages us to face the coming changes with courage and compassion, and a willingness to embrace our transformation and its difficulties as the purging forge fire that will ready us for a new life.
The Eleventh House: The house of friendship, camaraderie and equality; our urge to break down rigid boundaries and get to know others as equals on their own terms; our attitude towards friends and friendship and our desire to seek out like-minded others.
Page of Wands — This card represents childlike innocence and joy, especially the pleasure to be had in engaging with enthusiasm and energy in activities and new projects or initiatives. The Page of Wands is charismatic, witty and personable, forthright and outspoken and able to draw others to her with her excitement and youthful wonder and energy. This card is an urge to action, fresh and uncomplicated, especially activities engaged in for their own sake with no ulterior motives.
The Twelfth House: The house of deeper connection and union with life, expressed through or leading to mystic spirituality, artistic work, or social justice work; our oneness with life expressed by the unconscious in dreams, visions, symbols or sometimes the absorption of the personality into the collective, the masses.
Page of Cups — This card represents romanticism and a connection to the world of dreams, visions and fantasies. The Page of Cups, a romantic at heart, longs for the quiet, still space in which to simply breathe and enjoy the pleasures that surround her, to delve more deeply into her dreams and visions, and to listen more closely to the whisperings of her intuition and the inner wisdom of her unconscious. She is receptive and childlike, which may at times lead her into sentimentality, indulging in her emotions and dreams without acting on them, perhaps without even realizing that she can act on them. Yet there are unplumbed depths here, as well, held within the possibilities of the peace and tranquility of this card.
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