Storyteller Spread Day 9: Treasure and Home

I'm on Day 9 of using Dianne Sylvan's Storyteller spread, today pulling the card for the ninth and tenth positions, representing The Treasure and Home.

The position held by Card 9 represents the Treasure, that which the Key (Card 8) unlocks, the outcome of the quest and the final reward for the challenges faced and overcome. Card 10 represents Home - the hero's journey has come to an end, and this last card represents how she will integrate her new skills and gifts into her life and bring them back home (or perhaps, move on to another adventure).

For the Treasure, I drew the Three of Swords - a card of heartbreak and betrayal, although there may also be some suggestion of a willing sacrifice. This card is not a final state, but a transition - the number three is a first manifestation or expression that arises from the tension and duality of two - and so this pierced heart (in this deck symbolized by a swan pierced by three swords) is not a permanent state of brokenness but a step along the continuing journey.

I was a bit surprised and discouraged to see this card - almost always interpreted as pretty straight-forwardly negative - in the position of the Treasure, although it certainly seems in keeping with the Four of Cups in the position of the Key. My immediate reaction was to think that this whole process, this quest, would just end in disappointment, betrayal and heartbreak. But the card also reminds me of the concept of the raw and exposed heart - the tender heart that is so exposed and so intimate with all things that it feels not just intense joy but also immense sorrow. This is a state of utter openness to the world, a deep vulnerability. Though it might not be the kind of reward I was hoping for, many of the other cards in the spread (which speak of finding balance between conscious and unconscious, between will and soul) seem to be leading up to this point. Even in the top row of cards (Cards 3, 6 and 9) there seems to be a progression, with Card 3, the Pack (the skills and assets the hero begins with) being the Eight of Swords, also depicting a swan pierced by swords and trapped by thorns. Card 6, which is itself the Sword (the unexpected gift or strength the hero discovers within herself that helps her defeat the Dragon in Card 7), is Temperance, which is an evolution of the calmness and hope counseled in Card 3. In this sense, the Three of Swords in Card 9 is a natural evolution, a heart that is willingly bared and raw, in which the swan no longer struggles against the blades. If you think of swords as a symbol of communication and intellect, this may even suggest a process by which cultivating centered temperance gives me a more "penetrating" insight into the realm of the heart/emotions/unconscious, or perhaps allows me to communicate about that realm more effectively in a way that touches others.

The two supporting cards I pulled for Card 9 were the Tower and the Hermit. Again, both major arcana cards supporting a minor arcana card. In the Tower, there is a suggestion that what has been built up in the past will come crashing down and the world will turn upside-down - and the Hermit certainly suggestions a time of leaving behind the life you've known before and journeying into the wild in search of truth and guidance. I'm not sure I have any deep thoughts on these cards - perhaps time will tell.

For Card 10, Home, I drew Death. Yeah, that's right.

So returning home to integrate these new gifts and skills into ordinary life will be a deeply, fundamentally transformative experience in which I literally die to my old self. .....Yay. Although I can't feel too bad about that (the imagery and artistry of the Death card in this deck, which depicts a phoenix triumphant, is so beautiful it's hard to feel bad about drawing it), part of me is not exactly thrilled that I'm going to face yet another transformative, (r)evolutionary transition or experience. (I think I've written about this before - about how sometimes I get sick of always have to evolve and transform with these spiritual or metaphorical deaths - but I guess that's Pluto's influence in me.)

The two supporting cards for this final drawing are: the King of Wands and the Seven of Wands. So once again, it seems clear that this is related to my projects and initiatives, and probably in particular my podcast work and my work as a volunteer naturalist. The King of Wands is a powerful figure who holds a great fiery energy in careful check, curved around himself like wings. He is a figure of clear sovereignty and power, but also of charisma and active initiative, although all of this is expressed through structure and order. The Seven of Wands is also a fairly position card (at least in this deck), depicting a mother fox protecting her young in an act of selfless courage - it is a card that symbolizes standing up for what you believe in and fighting for what you care about, and finding without yourself the courage and faith to overcome all obstacles even in the face of discouragement and competition. The fact that the artist specifically mentions faith is not necessarily a coincidence, I think.

I'm feeling somewhat bewildered by these intense cards and not sure exactly how to interpret them (though part of me keeps wondering just how much my daily drawings are influenced by my own moods and energies on a given day - since in the past couple days my period has started and my mood has, as usual, become somewhat worn and stretched thin (like butter over too much bread). Perhaps it would be helpful to revisit this spread at some point later, drawing all ten cards during the same session to see what insights they might yield.

I also want to experiment with a new spread Jeff has discovered in the book that accompanied his new steampunk tarot deck - one in which you rearrange the spread as you go and use the cards like interlocking gears to explore alternative outcomes and how to get there. Half divination, half magical working. I'd be curious about exploring that.

I also want to know what Jeff plans to do as his final "wrap-up" ritual as part of this spiritual work. I'd like to do something for myself, but I think I'll need at least a few days to ponder it and come up with something.

* I should add - Google has updated the Blogger UI and managed to make it suck even harder in a pretty profound way (like, f'ex, not automatically inserting paragraph breaks in the html, and also generally just making the dashboard hard to navigate with WAY TOO MUCH WHITE SPACE and, bizarrely, no bottom margin so that I'm literally typing at the very bottom of my screen with no way to scroll). So.... yeah. Good job, Google. What the fuck? Do you have a lot of self-hatred or something? Are you trying to fail? Are you trying to make people not like you? ::headdesk::

Storyteller Spread Day 8: Key

I'm on Day 8 of using Dianne Sylvan's Storyteller spread, today pulling the card for the eighth position, representing The Key.

The Key is what will unlock the Treasure (Card 9), the reward or gift that results from facing the Dragon (Card 7) and overcoming that challenge. It represents the evolution of the Dream (Card 2) - how the hero's motivations have changed during her journey and it offers divine guidance on how to move forward.

The card I drew for this position was the Four of Cups - arguably the first "negative" card of the spread. I'm not sure how to interpret this card in this position. In this deck, the card depicts a mermaid, and the artist tells the story of one who has grown bored with the constant monotony of the sea and its beings, so she swims higher than she's ever gone before and hoists herself out onto land. For a moment, lost in thought and day-dream, she has a glimpse of a realm of sky and sea blended, the water a perfect mirror of the sky so that the horizon seems to disappear - and for the first time she sees her own reflection and is able to perceive her beauty. Then this day-dream is disturbed as she reaches out to touch her reflection in the water, and she realizes the strange denizens of the air are watching her and she is not as alone as she thought. She begins to feel the cold dry air on her skin and longs to slip back into the ocean and return to her watery home.

The number four represents stability and form, but it is often interpreted among the suits as an expression of stagnation and fossilization, becoming trapped in patterns - in the case of Cups, becoming emotionally disengaged and bored, wallowing in self-indulgence and old emotional habits or patterns. Yet there's also a kind of echoing dualism in the number four (2 + 2 and 2 X 2) that creates the potential for dynamic tension that can raise the energies of the suit or card to a new level. It seems like this is what the artist of this deck was exploring when she depicted the story of the mermaid who sought the surface - though there is self-indulgence, there is also an opportunity for real introspection and a glimpse of the self that has never been seen before (which I guess makes sense - if we can take a step back and recognize emotional patterns or habits as they are and perhaps see where they come from).

I'm not entirely sure if this card is showing me a "negative" truth, the realization of which (and so the avoidance or transformation that may result) is the "key" to unlocking the treasure.... or if the card is meant to represent some more obscure but positive "key." Is the key here what I should avoid, or what I should come to appreciate as a blessing in disguise? I'm just not sure.

I drew two supporting cards seeking clarity on this question, and the two that I drew were the High Priestess (II) and the Chariot (VII). Again, two major arcana cards supporting a minor arcana card - and as in previous spreads, both major arcana cards face in towards the center, towards each other and towards the primary card of the spread. Both of these cards express a certain duality in them. The Chariot, for obvious reasons: the mastering of two wild charges who both want to go each their own way, who have been brought into relationship and mastered - this card, I've always understood, represents the mastery of will and self-discipline, and to some extent the conscious mind, over the wildness of the subconscious with its urges and desires (and fears and uncertainties). The goddess of victory tames even the depths of the sea, which calms for her as she rides her chariot across it. The High Priestess is also a card of duality: the card is numbered II (although technically its the third major arcana card the way they're normally organized), and the High Priestess herself stands between the two pillars which, in this deck, are depicted as the forking limbs of a mighty tree. She spread her two arms wide, creating a kind of chalice of her body. She stands upon the threshold to the mysteries, especially the dark mysteries of the subconscious realm. So these two cards, in addition to representing dualities in themselves, also reflect two aspects of a central duality: the balance between subconscious and conscious mind. In each, a goddess aspires to the heights of her power, the epitome and very embodiment of her realm. Even their postures seem to mirror each other - the High Priestess raises her arms and lifts her hands above her, while the Chariot goddess throws her arms down and back, hands outstretched to her sides.

I'm still left wondering what exactly this Key is. If this is meant to be an evolution of the Dream - the Ace of Cups - perhaps it is the maturation of the vision seen reflected in the gift of the chalice, this time brought into manifestation and form. If the Four of Cups represents not only a certain risk of boredom and stagnation but also an opportunity to push beyond that to the next "level" or plane, then it seems the energies of the major arcana cards are supporting that effort with all the power they can muster. I'm just not sure how this will manifest in my life - perhaps taking on more public roles as a podcast and as a volunteer teacher will give me a chance to step back and see myself for the first time, even if I have to push myself "out of my element" every once in a while. What strikes me about the Four of Cups is that, though there are four chalices carried by the air sprites, the ocean itself could be thought of as a fifth chalice. And while the mermaid may ignore the other four, she gives her full attention, as well as her longing, to that far vaster and deeper chalice of the sea - and she can always go back to it whenever she likes, there is nothing forcing her to stay on land but her own will and determination. Considering that I began this journey with the Nine of Cups, utterly submersed in the watery realms, perhaps the "key" that this latest card represents is just the reminded that the vision, the dream, is still alive and it is possible to return to that vision for renewal and a refreshed, revived sense of motivation whenever I need it. And maybe by doing so, I'll step more fully into the roles of High Priestess and Charioteer alike, both sovereign of my own conscious mind and will and devotee to the deeper mysteries of the subconscious realms of the soul

Storyteller Spread Day 7: Dragons

I'm on Day 7 of using Dianne Sylvan's Storyteller spread, today pulling the card for the seventh position, representing The Dragon.

The Dragon is the card that represents the central issue or challenge at the heart of the entire journey or quest - the main obstacle that the hero will face along her path, the challenge that she has been called upon all along through dream and vision to rise to meet. It's the "Big Bad" - what needs to be confronted, overcome, understood and integrated in order for the hero to move forward and obtain the key and treasure which she will bring back to her home and her community at the end of the quest.

For this card, I drew the Two of Wands. I find this interesting - Wands have appeared consistently as a very important suit throughout this meditative work, but this is the first time that a card of that suit has actually appeared in a primary position in the spread. The Two of Wands depicts a courageous leader perched atop a cliff, seated astride a powerful lion, gazing out across the lands that stretch away below her. She has worked hard to attain this success and authority over the lands she now rules, and she has had to embody not only self-discipline and dedication but also boldness, courage, willingness to take risks. Yet now, the place she finds herself in is somewhat isolated and isolating - her authority and success has effectively raised her above others and kept her separate and apart. There is an ambivalence and duality in this card that must be confronted, contemplated and weighed in the balance. The polarity of Two can give rise to balance, harmony and the kind of in-tune tension that sings when played well - but it can also create harmful tension, stress and unhealthy dualism that results in division and strife.

This card to me seems to speak directly to the task I have before me: the biggest challenge will be handling the success, and what it will demand of me in terms of work and commitment, courage and bravery. Success in this initiative is a mixed blessing, as it will undoubtedly require a great deal of time and energy to keep it going. Perhaps I also have a fear of such success, for the ways in which it might beholden me to others and "lock me in" to a structure that might not suit me in the long run, or simply not be flexible enough.

Yet the polarity of two, and the emphasis on balance in the last several cards, seems to suggest also that this is a challenge that I can overcome, that I can face with grace and learn how to handle adeptly given enough time and practice (and patience!). The two supporting cards I drew were The World (XXI) and The Emperor (IV) - once again, it seems that there are incredibly powerful spiritual forces at play in what might on the surface seem to be a fairly mundane, small matter of a job. The images of the World and Emperor seem to echo each other in important ways - both figures hold a sphere or globe of light, both figures stand before a circular background that seems to encompass the all of everything, both figures even where horned headdresses. This last point might not be all that important, but it strikes me as curious. The horns of the Emperor - being two - seem to reflect the two wands of the primary card; whereas the horned headdress of the World figure has only a single horn curving away from her forward, almost like a unicorn's horn, and this to me suggests a more unified, holistic approach or worldview. The circular backgrounds of the cards echo each other - but while the background of the World card seems to have grown organically from the living greenery around her, the background of the Emperor is carved in stone, a symbolic throne depicting his dominion over all things and his bringing order to chaos in a deliberate, controlled way that is distinct from the organic, emergent order that grows up in the World card. And while the World figure seems to cradle her sphere of light in her arms, resting her forehead lightly against it as if communing, the Emperor holds his sphere squarely and purposefully between his two hands, almost as though he is pressing and molding it into shape. All these comparisons generally reflect the differences between the cards' meanings: the Emperor is a card of structure and rulership, authority and sovereignty in a more mundane political sense - while the World is a card of harmonious, natural order and beauty emerging from the chaotic flow of nature with whom the World figure communes on a deeper, more intuitive, more receptive level.

Yet these two cards also hold a lot in common, as I already pointed out, suggesting that they aren't necessarily irreconcilable opposites to each other. The figure in the Two of Wands card faces towards the Emperor and away from the World, who faces out to the left away from the other two cards in a kind of private moment of her own. This seems to me to suggest that part of the challenge will be m tendency to focus too much on the structure and order involved in the hard work to bring my project initiative to fruition, and that this may prove very difficult for me. On the other hand, learning to integrate a more relaxed "go with the flow" attitude may help me to integrate these energies better. The World figure doesn't just face away from the structure and ruling order of the Emperor, but she faces towards all of the cards in the spread that have come before - including the cards representing the motivating vision (the gift of intuitive wisdom and fanciful day-dreaming in the Ace of Cups), the skills of calmness and hope that I carry with me, the map that guides along the middle way, and the sword that balances opposites and brings them together to create life and dynamic beauty. Perhaps most important of all is the place where the journey began, the Nine of Cups. The World faces all of these, seeming to suggest that in order to overcome this challenge of discipline and order - and to do so without losing my sense of joy and spontaneity that will make the work fulfilling - I will have to remember the motivations and visions and dreams of the past, and carry those with me, following their example at times.

Perhaps not a very scary dragon on the face of it - but I find myself nervous about whether or not I'll be able to rise to that challenge. Trusting in the support and natural, emergent, beautiful order of the universe to carry this work along (like the seeds cast to the wind!).... that's what gives me hope and helps me stay calm. There's no doubt that, either way, this is very important soul-work.

Storyteller Spread Day 6: Sword

I'm on Day 6 of using Dianne Sylvan's Storyteller spread, today pulling the card for the sixth position, representing The Sword.

The Sword represents a skill, asset or strength that the hero discovers during her completion of the Task set forth by the elder (in Card 4). It signifies a potentially overlooked issue that will have an important impact on the outcome of the quest and the hero's ability to face the Dragon (in Card 7).

The primary card I drew for this position was Temperance (XIV), the first major arcana card in a primary position in the spread. This card represents balance and harmony between opposites - a dynamic relationship that creates tension and movement and ultimately an incorporation of the two into a healthy integrity. While either opposite can become destructive and overwhelming when isolated on its own, together they form a whole that is larger than either one alone, that "includes and transcends" without subsuming or quashing either.

Though the meaning of Temperance leapt out at me immediately, I'm not sure exactly how it fits into the larger journey - though it does seem like balancing opposites that are in tension with each other has been the theme for the past couple drawings. Card 4, the Page of Pentacles, had major arcana cards as its two supporting cards, each facing inward to support the primary card, and each representing one of the aspects of the Page of Pentacles in a refined and heightened form (the Fool, the energy and youth and eagerness of the Page, and the Hierophant, the earthiness and structure of the Pentacles, each expressed as spiritual urges). Card 5, the Nine of Pentacles, seemed to suggest a "middle way," marrying the spiritual and the material world, creating a dynamic communion between free-spirited creativity and serious self-discipline; its two supporting cards, the Four of Wands and the Knight of Swords, faced outward away from each other, suggesting distractions along the path pulling in opposite directions, towards frivolous freedom and fleeting energy on the one hand and an overemphasis on the intellect and "being right" on the other. So it seems that the Temperance card is illustrating how important it will be for me to find a healthy, dynamic balance between opposites that might otherwise threaten to pull me off track in various directions - and yet, it also seems to say that if I can discover that balance, I will also be able to create a spaciousness within which I can center and find respite and poise when I need it.

The two supporting cards I pulled seem to reinforce this lesson of balancing opposites: the Ace of Wands and the Nine of Wands. Both within the same suits, and once again both cards facing in towards each other and towards the central, primary card - the ace and the nine seem to illustrate opposing energies each being brought in to serve a single purpose. On the one hand, you have the gift of new initiatives, new energy and new activity as represented by the Ace; on the other hand, you have the Nine with its suggestion of completion and, in this case, an emphasis on vigilance and continued discipline in order to keep one's strength and purpose clear. This spread seems to suggest to me, over all, that a successful balance of energies means both being open to new possibilities and initiatives, while also being on guard and careful about how to move forward. Constantly taking on new projects can lead to burn out and frivolousness, but being too careful can lead to stagnation and boredom - so a balance between the two is necessary. Both openness, and vigilance. Sounds a great deal like the concept of attention and attending that I have meditated on before, the open attentiveness of attending to (and upon) the world around us - which itself stretches us and challenges us in new ways. The fact that these two cards are of the same suit and are facing towards one another and towards the central primary card of Temperance seems to me to say that these opposites are things that can be integrated and held in relationship with one another.

Since much of this meditative work has focused on the direction my career seems to be heading, I think this is once again emphasizing the importance of balance between discipline and creativity, organization and joyful enthusiasm, that I'll need to find to make this work enjoyable and successful. This is true both for the podcast and the volunteer naturalist work. It's a lesson that is so important for people who are self-employed or work from home, I think, because it's so easy to fall out of balance when you're not subject to anyone else's oversight - either driving yourself too hard, or cutting yourself too much slack. Today is a good example. I began the day feeling somewhat exhausted, but my energy seemed to gather towards the afternoon and I felt in a good mood - but for some reason, after dinner I began to feel increasingly dissatisfied and anxious, though for no clear or particular reason.... though I think largely it had to do with me slightly freaking out - again - over how much work two podcast shows a week might turn out to be, and worries over not being able to find a good rhythm and balance to the work. It seems like this card is counseling me to relax a bit and trust in my ability to find that balance, so long as I keep the importance of balance in mind - and perhaps make sure that I make time to ground, center and attend regularly. Obviously, balancing my physical needs with my spiritual and emotional needs is going to be an issue, too, and perhaps regular spiritual meditation in the mornings will play an important role in maintaining balance and keeping my energy and optimism up. After all, the major arcana card does suggest that this is something going on at a deeper level than mere "mundane" reality but also involve the realm of the soul/spirit. The image of the card pretty closely reflects the actual Three Realms meditation that I perform regularly, and I did notice when trying to enter a deeper meditative state to reflect on the card that it was difficult for me to hold my concentration. I got a brief glimpse of the swirling sphere of opposites, and a vague sense of the angel Temperance handing me an actual sword that had a double-edge that shone in two reflected colors and vibrated in a way that create a beautiful song (like a singing bowl, almost). The vibration seemed to come from holding the sword still and perfectly balanced before me, almost like a torch or sword of light.

So balancing the spiritual and the physical may just be the important but overlooked issue that will play the biggest part in how this whole journey plays out and how I eventually face the Dragon to come.

Storyteller Spread Day 5: Map

I'm on Day 5 of using Dianne Sylvan's Storyteller spread, today pulling the card for the fifth position, representing The Map.

This card represents the Map, one of two gifts or boons earned upon overcoming the challenge set forth in the previous card, the Task. The Map gives the hero a clearer vision of her journey to come, helping her to orient herself and see the big picture - it is similar to the Dream card drawn earlier in the spread, except that whereas the Dream gives her a vision of her own motivation and calling, the Map gives a broader perspective so that she understands the route her journey will take to get her to her final confrontation with the Dragon.

The card I drew for this position in the spread was the Nine of Pentacles, a very positive card in almost all respects. The card represents a balancing of spiritual and material fulfillment, and a joining of spiritual needs and expression with physical manifestation in the material world. This card depicts an artist at her piano, playing upon an instrument that is itself grown living among the trees of the forest. Her spiritual being is in communion with her material being, and through that communion she creates her beautiful music as the golden spirals of the nature that surround her express the spiritual essence and perfection that lies within all things. This card represents material well-being and refinement, yes, but it also indicates that such things are intricately connected to and expressions of the spiritual work of seeking balance and creating beauty. There is wholeness and fulfillment, as well as movement and growth in this card, and the balance of these is what brings the material and spiritual into communion with one another. Ultimately, this is a card of appreciation for the wealth (spiritual and material) that we already possess in abundance, and a discovery of the deep value and worth of one's own self and soul, one's own place and work.

To me, this card suggestions that the broader purpose or direction of my journey is to find a path towards meaningful, fulfilling work that will also provide stability in the material realm, so that I can more fully embrace the richness of life on all levels of being. I have struggled with finding spiritually fulfilling work that also could realistically provide for my physical needs - this suggests that my journey will take me in that direction, with very good results. The fact that this card depicts a figure playing a piano that is a living part of nature reminds me immediately of both my podcasting work (the auditory quality of the music and speaking) as well as my work as a volunteer naturalist engaging with people out in the natural world and showing them the beauty of the World Song.

I also drew two supporting cards, which were the Four of Wands and the Knight of Swords. These cards face outward from the center, in opposite directions, so that their energies seem to disperse the energy of the central card (whose main figure actually has her back to the viewer and, thus, to the two other cards). For me, this layout seems to suggest that these are potential pitfalls or distractions along the way - especially when thinking about the layout as a physical map with the "middle path" of balance between. The Four of Wands is full of energy and joy and fulfillment, but it is a happiness that is in some sense fleeting, a passing moment of celebration in the midst of a continuing process. The card suggests to me that there is a danger in trying to grasp too tightly to a constant state of joy and celebration while eschewing the necessary work - almost as though the Four of Wands indicates the pitfall of being too frivolous and easily led on a chase for the next exciting thing. The Knight of Swords, on the other hand, is a bit more intense and perhaps even severe - full of power and bluster, riding the whirlwind, he might be a bit too ruthless and rash, especially in his language and the use of his intellect. This suggests to me an alternate way in which I might stray from the middle path - becoming too bent upon being "right" or too competitive. It seems like this is the kind of card that might represent the way in which I strayed from the journey towards meaningful, fulfilling work before: getting too caught up in arguments and debates, especially wars-of-words online with trolls, to the point where I felt frustrated and sick to death of trying to say anything for fear that it would stir up controversy or pick a fight I didn't have the energy to engage.

On the other hand, both of these cards also have positive aspects that can be incorporated into the "middle way" of the primary card. The Four of Wands has an energy and enthusiasm and a definite sense of joy, all of which are reflected in a subtle and refined way in the Nine of Pentacles. The Nine of Pentacles also seems to incorporate the self-discipline and strength of the Knight of Swords, whose sword "shines like a beacon" and allows him to cut through a lot of red tape with passion and enthusiasm. So although these energies in their extremes might be distracting, together they offer some support - if the main goal or aim of the journey is kept in mind.

That's my interpretation, anyway. All in all, very positive and helpful. (I also notice that I've ceased to draw the Eight of Wands practically every time now that our first podcast episode is up and the website is officially launched. I guess those seeds have been scattered for the winds to carry!)

Storyteller Spread Day 4: Witch's Task

I'm on Day 4 of using Dianne Sylvan's Storyteller spread, today pulling the card for the fourth position, representing The Task.

This card represents the task set forth by the wise elder whom the hero meets in the depths of the forest when she first sets off on her quest - a struggle or challenge that the hero must face and overcome using what assets she has brought along with her. (As a result of facing this first challenge, the hero is afterwards given two gifts, represented by cards 5 and 6 later in the spread.)

The card I drew for this position was the Page of Pentacles. This card is a fairly positive one, representing new opportunities and possibilities coming into manifestation, and a sense of stability and security in the physical world. The Page of Pentacles is one who has self-discipline, diligence and commitment, but still retains that sense of youth and curiosity that makes her unafraid of moving forward to try new things.

I'm not quite certain exactly how this card fits into the spread at this point, and it may become clearer as I move on and draw more cards.

I was going to skip drawing supporting cards, since tonight is another late night and I'm very tired, but I just felt like I should do so while I'm in the moment, even if a deeper exploration of the cards' meanings has to wait for tomorrow.

The two supporting cards I drew were: the Fool and the Hierophant. These are powerful cards, especially to be supporting the Task card representing the initial challenge on my journey. Each card faces in towards the center, the Fool and Hierophant both looking towards each other and towards the center, primary card of the Page of Pentacles (who faces forward). The energy of this three card spread of primary and supporting cards definitely seems to be concentrated on the center card, with intense energies from the major arcana supporting cards acting as balance to each other and quite literal support of the center card. The Fool, on the one hand, seems to reflect the youth and eagerness of the Page, the willingness to jump in and get started, to take a risk and begin. The Hierophant, on the other hand, reflects the grounded, more material or physical nature of the Pentacles suit - he is concerned with the rules that govern the spiritual life and the laws of nature which all things follow in order to maintain harmony.

So it seems that these three cards suggest, maybe, that my first challenge will be a new opportunity on the material plane - a new job, for instance - that will require both youthful enthusiasm and risk, and self-discipline and steady work. Luckily, it seems like these energies are helping and mutually supporting each other, all working towards the same goal, rather than pulling in opposite directions (as they might have been, if I'd drawn them in a slightly different order in the three-card spread). The suggestion or advice seems to be to take the plunge into hard work, to make the leap into a task that will require commitment and study.

In a lot of ways, this seems to represent pretty clearly what I'm involved in right now, both with my volunteer work and with my efforts with podcasting as a serious career shift. In both situations, I face a new job or task that demands both committed effort and the courage to take a leap into the unknown. And in both case, the long-term goals are not as important as the willingness to just take that first leap, that first jump into the work. (The two major arcana cards certainly seem to suggest that this challenge, right in this moment, is momentous enough that putting my full weight into facing that challenge and taking on that task will have profound effects rippling out, no matter what the specific consequences are.)

That's about all I have in me for tonight, though. I hope to take some time (tomorrow, maybe) to look at the spread that I've drawn so far and look at these four cards - Nine of Cups, Ace of Cups, Eight of Swords and Page of Pentacles - all together in the same spread, in relation to each other instead of in isolation or in the context of the supporting cards. I'll see how much energy I have tomorrow for that kind of work....

Storyteller Spread Day 2: Dream

I'm on Day 2 of using Dianne Sylvan's Storyteller spread, today pulling the card for the second position, representing The Dream.

This card tells about the nature of the quest itself - it is the gift of a vision or dream about what the hero must set out to do, why she is called away from the Home represented in the first card.

The primary card I drew for this position tonight was the Ace of Cups, which seemed to me immediately to suggest this idea of the "quest for the holy grail." This beautiful goblet is the source of intuition and emotional fulfillment and connection, as well as of dream, creativity, fantasy and vision. The still waters held within the cup are a mirror that reflects the deeper, subconscious patterns of the world from which we can learn, and from the cup spring the sensual, physical manifestations of the senses. Like all Ace cards, the Ace of Cups is a gift that is offered freely, a gift of grace. It is also a card of beginnings, but in this case maybe not so obvious a beginning that might be reflected in the external world - more an opening to love in a broader sense, a going-within to seek for the vision and creative dreaming that allow us to discover self-love and love of life, and through this to discover self-acceptance and joy.

When I meditate on this card, once again I slip into the vision that the card depicts very easily - and the cup seems to be right before me. Unlike the image actually depicted on the card, of the cup set off somewhat in front of the viewer, in my trance work the goblet is right before me as though I'm holding it close between my two hands, peering down into its depths. So close is this cup to me that I can almost feel its waters sloshing and spilling out over its sides to wet my hands and splash me. The cup seems huge and heavy, but not so heavy so that it's hard to hold. Though last night's vision of the cup was of a glowing golden goblet (inspired no doubt by the way the cup was depicted in the Nine of Cups), tonight, the cup is silver and glistening as though illuminated by moonlight. I wonder if this is also an aspect of the quest, the journey I am to undertake - seeking by the light of the moon and stars, the light of night and twilight, the darker, more intuitive "inner light" - rather than by the overt, extroverted, bright and golden light of the noonday sun.

The two supporting cards I drew were the Eight of Wands (again!) and Justice. The Eight of Wands is clearly of great importance right now, emphasizing this message of casting my energy, efforts and hopes to the wind and trusting in the greater pattern of it all. The card of Justice speaks of balance and vision alike - it evokes this idea of justice as the harmony of right relationship, and far from being blind, the figure of Justice in this card can see with a vision that pierces even the darkest obscurity. She holds the feather as though it were a sword - and yet it is light and delicate - as butterflies flock around her and the scales that she holds. This is a card of balance of inner and outer as well, of conscious and subconscious. She holds one hand in towards herself while extending the other to hold out the scales - one of her wings is turned upwards while another turns down. To me, this suggests that an aspect of this quest will be to seek balance between my inner subconscious and my conscious, rational mind that is closer to the surface. I think this is a positive sign that I should not worry overly much about giving in to fantasy or day-dream as merely impractical or indulgent - that exploring the subconscious is perhaps something I have been somewhat remiss in before and the primary nature of the quest, finding that intuitive source and vision, is a process of bringing more balance and openness to my life and my work. Tempering the energy of wands (which are obviously playing a big role in this) and the sometimes harsh light of the rational mind who seeks to assign responsibility (but perhaps can too easily resort to placing blame, especially on oneself) - with the cooler, darker depths of the creative unconscious mind-soul.

Storyteller Spread Day 1: Home

Using Dianne Sylvan's Storyteller spread, I begin this work with the card in the first position, representing home.

This is the card that speaks of the current situation, the place from which I will begin the journey and also, eventually, the place that I will return to with the treasure or sacred gift that it is my task to integrate into the world.

For each of these ten cards, I plan to draw one primary card and then, after some contemplation, two supporting cards, for a total of three for each given card place. (I'll carry only the first, primary card over to the next day's spread, though, so that I don't run out of cards before the end!)

For tonight's card, Home, I drew: the Nine of Cups. A very auspicious and joyful card, the Shadowscape deck depicts a merman leaning raptly over a golden, shining goblet while around him hundreds of golden fish swim in breath-taking, beautiful, graceful formation. This is a card of deep contentment and emotional fulfillment, of being swept up in the joy and even giddiness of the moment of present happiness. I close my eyes, and swiftly I am there beneath the waters, experiencing the sensual caress of the warm currents and the sweeping rush of the glistening creatures all around me. The shining goblet that I hold in my hands is smooth, cool and somewhat heavy - I gaze into its concave bowl as if looking into a shimmering golden sun, and the goblet seems filled with light and love and joy, an underwater reflection of the sun that rides the sky above the surface of the ocean. I feel a great happiness and gratitude to be here - but also an intense energy, almost as though it's hard to stay still. I just want to dance, to swim swiftly and joyfully!

The two supporting cards I draw are: the Three of Wands and the Eight of Wands (again). Both of these cards balance the emotional depths of the Nine of Cups with the energy and activity of the wands - and both speak to a journey which is just beginning. In the Three of Wands, the figure steps out onto a thin bridge that reaches out into a great valley - the sense of depth here is almost as great as in the ocean, but airy and light instead of fluid and shadowy. The figure steps out into thin air, and her steps - her dreams and intentions that guide her and urge her onwards - themselves become the bridge that she walks upon. She is guided by far vision - and this is also a card of momentary stillness, pausing the enjoy that vision and all that it can give before taking the next steps on the adventure. The Eight of Wands, as I wrote yesterday, is also a card about trusting to the greater patterns of the universe - instead of stepping out into thin air, this figure casts her wishes out upon the wind to be carried far and wide until they find new ground where they will root and grow into mighty trees. Again, this card signifies accomplishment but also a continuation of the journey to new places.

All in all, the emotional fulfillment of the primary card carries with it an energy and eagerness to move on that are reflected in the two supporting cards. The Home card in the storyteller spread is the place where the hero begins, and the place that she will leave either because of her own inner restlessness or because something comes along to shake her out of her complacency. Here, I think the cards are indicating that I have found a place of joy as well as sensual and emotional (and intuitive?) fulfillment in the depths of soul — but that this new stability is exactly what is giving me the energy and enthusiasm to set off on the journey ahead of me. Perhaps I have been frustrated about not moving forward for so long, that coming to a place of relative stability and peace, emotionally speaking, is exactly what is allowing me to move forward now. I do not have a fear of losing that fulfillment, and nor am I simply resting on my laurels and luxuriating in the sensual pleasures — instead, I'm excited about the possibilities that are opened up to me now that I have this joy in my life. Both the Three of Wands and the Eight of Wands indicate a moment of pause for vision and reflection (and, for the latter, finishing up loose ends of old work) that comes at the pivotal point between the past and the future work or journey to be undertaken. Laying the spread out left to right: Three of Wands, Nine of Cups, Eight of Wands, the energy pivots around the joy of the present moment (maybe the Three of Wands is us taking the leap to move across the country to a whole new city? and the Eight of Wands is my current work with web publishing and podcasting, among other things?) moving from left to right, from past to future with increasing stability and success.

A good place to start, I think.

Diary - Flamekeeping

Inspired by my post about steampunk shamanism, Jeff decided he wanted to do another one of his multi-day spiritual projects that involve regular meditation and divination over a predefined length of time, focusing on different issues and problems that need to be worked on. I thought I'd join him, and we just happen to be starting tonight, which is the Sunday after the first full moon after the equinox (also known as Easter) and my Flamekeeping shift.

The project is a twelve-day process this time - a day of prep work, ten days of doing a daily reading along the "story" spread inspired by Joseph Campbell's hero's journey, and then a final day of wrap-up and a ritual to integrate and manifest the results. Jeff is going to be using his new steampunk tarot deck and concentrating on different issues that he wants to be able to move forward on, such as his work, his health, the obstacles involving the child custody, etc. I don't have as much structure to mine, so I'll kind of be meandering along on this journey and letting it lead me where it will.

So this morning, I drew a card to represent guidance for the day. The card I drew was the Eight of Wands, which in the Shadowscape deck I'm using is a lovely image of a woman releasing eight seed tufts to the wind, which will carry them to new ground where they will be able to put down roots. My understanding of this card is that it is full of action and energy, but not necessarily very directed energy. In fact, trying to direct the energy might end up working against you and lead to frustration - this card indicates a time to trust to the greater forces that surround you, the winds of chance that move through the universe, to carry your efforts beyond even what you can imagine. To release your activities and efforts to the larger world to work out their effects in whatever way they will. But it is also a card that suggests that such trust and trusting efforts will be fruitful in the end - mighty trees will grow from those scattered seeds - with a powerful balance of the active energy of the suit of wands with the stabilizing influence and fruition of the number eight, which is both stable and embodies a dynamic polarity (4 X 2) which sends the world singing.

This evening, when I started my Flamekeeping shift (using the oil lamp that I discovered when packing up our old apartment - the thing might need a new wick, but otherwise it seems to be working splendidly), I drew three more cards specifically seeking guidance about the coming work of the next twelve days. The cards I drew were, from left to right, the Two of Swords, the Queen of Cups, and the Sun (XIX). The energy of this three-card spread seems to expand out from the center card - the Queen walks forward, her arms outstretched to either side - but her face is turned towards the right (her left) and she seems to be gazing directly into the face of the young man haloed by golden light and riding the King of Birds in the Sun card, who gazes back at her. The figure in the Two of Swords card, on the other hand, faces away from the center card, a dark hood draped over her head, her swords crossed barring the path and the energy flowing in from the left. I take this spread to be somewhat a past-present-future spread, with the Two of Swords representing the blockage and frustration that I have felt in the past. These days, I am feeling balanced and deeply in touch with the underlying current of change in my life - my emotions seem to be less volatile or, when they are intense, I feel better able to ride them and harness that energy. I'm also feeling very enthusiastic and confident about my future endeavors, with my face firmly turned towards a bright future. The spread seems to bear this out to some extent, with the Sun card in the final position not only being a wonderful card in its own right, but the figure facing the center Queen and returning her gaze in a way that seems to indicate a receptivity and eagerness in its own right. As though this sunny future is just as eagerly waiting for my arrival as I am. The echoes of royalty in the Queen of Cups and the Sun card (which, in this deck, does not show a child, but a young man riding on a crowned kingly bird as his mount) seem to emphasize the sovereignty and potential power of this work as I move into the future. All in all, I take this to be a very positive reading - keeping in mind that the Queen of Cups, though she looks towards the future, does not entirely turn her back on the past but keeps one arm outstretched towards it as well, as though anchoring her in memory that gives her stability and poise as she moves forward. A good thing to keep in mind - not to get too swept away - the Two of Swords is, like all two's, a card of balance and polarity, and it may be important to remember the helpful role that frustrations and blockages can play in shaping and refining the work we undertake.

All in all, I'm looking forward to this project - we have a lot going on during this next week and a half (including our end-of-semester test for the Volunteer Naturalist spring training), so hopefully this meditative work will help me stay balanced and energized moving forward. I'm feeling very enthusiastic and excited about what's to come.

Divination Exchange: Next Six Weeks

Sun: taurus (earth/fixed), 6:12am - 8:21pm
Moon: waxing crescent, cancer (water/cardinal)
Earth: chilly and even somewhat blustering, with rain on and off all day, the morning starting out bright sunny and beautiful, giving way to steady rain and then gray chill

Jeff and I decided to do an experiment tonight — a divination exchange in which we each did a reading for each other. The question we focused on was, "What advice do you have for [us] between now (Beltaine) and the Summer Solstice?"

Interestingly, we both ended up with readings with an energy flow moving from left to right (we use Robert Place's method of interpretation), making the three card spread pretty close to your typical past-present-future layout. Both of our readings seem to have to do with new projects of some kind, with caution not to burn out or push too hard, though the specifics were different for each of us. There's also some strong themes about the relationship between love and death in the left-most card, corresponding to some of the more mystic/ecstatic themes of Beltaine I was writing about recently.

Below is the reading Jeff did for me, followed by the reading I did for him. He used Robert Place's Buddha Tarot deck, while I used my usual Shadowscape Tarot. I stuck with just the simple three-card spread, while Jeff felt moved to pull a fourth "clarification" card for his reading. (He also wanted to spend some time in meditation on the cards, but was feeling really tired and so didn't get much out of it as a result).

Advice for Ali

(reading by Jeff)

Future Empress | Ace of Jewels | Six of Jewels
The Middle Path

Future Empress - This is the Buddha's wife. Before he became the Buddha, Siddhartha Gautama lived with his father, the king; and his father wished him to marry. He asked for women to come from all over the kingdom to visit Siddhartha if they wished to be his princess. He provided Siddhartha with gifts, so that the young prince could welcome them. Siddhartha welcomed them all graciously (and there were a great many), but when the last one arrived — Yasodhara — there were no gifts left. Siddhartha found himself completely captivated by her; and so he took his own royal ring from his finger and gave it to her to welcome her. They fell deeply in love, and were married.

Siddhartha's father was sure that the love of the beautiful Yasodhara would keep Siddhartha's mind occupied with the doings of this world, so that he would fulfil the prophesy by becoming a mighty emperor. But Siddhartha's love for Yasodhara (and the son she bore him) was so deep that it went far beyond earthly pleasures. Shortly after his son was born, they threw a great party, and there was dancing and drinking. Late at night, Siddhartha woke and saw all the dancers, and his wife and child, lying asleep in the moonlight. To him they seemed as if dead. This served to harden his resolve to free them all from death and suffering; so — out of love — he left them there and went away to find out how to release everyone forever.

This card corresponds to the Empress in the standard Tarot. It is a card of fertility, beauty, love, and the attractive power of desire. Associated strongly with Venus.

Ace of Jewels - Ace of Jewels corresponds to the Ace of Pentacles. New projects, especially in the physical world. The Jewel is associated at one level with satifying physical desire, but at a deeper level with satisfaction through release of desire. The Buddha presented "Three Jewels" to comfort his followers as they followed away: the Buddha himself (as an example of enlightenment), the Dharma (his teaching), and the Sangha (the monk community of fellowship).

Six of Jewels - Six of Jewels is the Six of Pentacles. In this deck it especially represents generosity and the rewards of those who are generous. Generosity: there are five basic rules of conduct in Buddhism: do not cause harm, do not steal, do not consume toxins, do not commit sexual misconduct, and do not lie. Each of these basic rules is paired with a positive version: develop love and peace, be generous, cultivate awareness, cultivate contentment, and be truthful. Generosity helps one release attachments to property and other things we think we own, such as our time, our reputations, and so on.

The Middle Path - While Siddhartha was seeking enlightenment, he was a student of many teachers. One common kind of practice in India at this time was asceticism, in which the body was put under great stresses, such as fasting, self-harm, and the like. The idea was that by denying the pleasures (and needs) of the flesh, one could rise above it. Siddhartha was extremely good at this, and many of his teachers were sure he was going to be a great yogi. He gathered followers of his own, who were amazed at his devotion. Eventually he pushed himself so close to death that he could barely eat or drink at all; but still he was no closer to salvation. The desire for enlightenment itself had become a barrier to enlightenment. So he gave up on it and began to nurse himself back to health. His followers, not understanding, and disgusted at his weakness, left him; but he didn't care. After a little more time, as he sat begging, a woman brought him a big bowl of rice. He took this and divided it into 49 parts, deciding to eat this over the next 49 days as he sat in meditation under the bodhi tree. He resolved not to get up from that spot until he had achieved enlightenment.

The commentary card, The Middle Path, corresponds to the Temperance card. There is a lot of energy in this reading, a lot of motion, and my intuition is that the Temperance card is there to advise taking it easy with the new project and not burning out on it.

Advice for Jeff

(reading by Ali)

Judgement | Hanged Man | Page of Pentacles

Judgement (XX) - A call to new beginnings, restoration and wholeness, absolution and forgiveness. New life arising from death, a time of joy and rebirth. The trials and tribulations have passed and you are called, by destiny or a greater purpose, into renewed life in the light of a new dawn. Also, a time to reflect on the past and understand how the actions of yesterday have helped to shape today.

Hanged Man (XII) - Self-sacrifice, especially for the greater good. A time of release and surrender, letting go of the effort and will normally exerted towards concrete or practical accomplishments; instead, withdrawing into solitude, contemplation or more mystic/"spiritual" pursuits. "Turning the world upside down" to gain new perspective. This may be a period of difficulty - it depends on how willing or unwilling the sacrifice is.

Page of Pentacles - Opportunities for new growth and prosperity, a spark of initiative and potential offered. Grounded in earthy qualities like diligence, responsibility and practicality - relying on the tools and resources at hand - there is still a certain lightness and playfulness that accompanies every new beginning or intriguing opportunity. Also suggests an enjoyment of physical pleasures of the five senses, possibly in particular an engagement in nature (perhaps a literal garden?).

The Story - The energy of the cards doesn't seem to have one clear direction. The Angel of Judgement faces to the left to sound her call, but both the Hanged Man and the Page seem to face forward or out of the card (though the Hanged Man's body is turned to face towards the right, his head hangs down so that he's looking almost behind him). Considering the association of the Judgement card with the events of the past and the Page of Pentacles being associated with new opportunities, there is some indication that the energies should be read from left to right like a simple past-present-future spread. In this case, Judgement might be strongly indicative of the transformation and new life of spring (associated so strongly with Beltaine, especially with the undertones of death and "breaking free"). The Page of Pentacles might be associated closely in time with the Solstice, then - perhaps in a very literal way, as a time when your activities and projects are "bearing fruit" in the form of new opportunities or potential being realized… but in a way that still demands continued steady work and commitment in a very practical, grounded way. In the meantime, there's a suggestion, by the Hanged Man, of acceptance or surrender, perhaps a period of rest and release, turning inward to seek the inner wisdom of spirit… or perhaps simply in preparation for the work to come, in order to gain some new perspective or insight that might be useful for taking full advantage of those future opportunities when they arise.

Diary

Sun: taurus (earth/fixed), 6:28 am - 8:09pm
Moon: last quarter, aquarius (air/fixed)
Earth: bright and sunny for most of the day, warm (in the high 70s) for the first time this spring, with thunderstorms moving in as dusk fell with a soft rain

"Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of a boss who's always trying to teach people things. Sometimes, you just have to be the Boss of Dancing."

- Michael Scott

Before I begin, I just want to make one quick note: I'm using Dragon dictation to write this diary entry. This is a software program I've begun using for work, and I figured I'd use it to write this diary entry to kill two birds with one stone. But using dictation software is very different from typing, so I'm not sure how it will go. sentences may seem awkward at first, especially since I can't correct or change my mind halfway through. Once I begin a sentence, I have to commit to finishing it. So if my sentences seem awkward, please forgive me, and hopefully I'll improve as I use the software more.

This morning I spent some time in meditation out in the backyard, as it was such a beautiful day, bright and sunny right from the start, and it's been a long time since I've spent any time in meditation on a regular basis. I realized that I reached a point where I was hesitant to meditate because I was afraid I would be out of practice. But remembering that there are external forms to ritual that I can rely on and that can help me ease back in to the more in-depth practice that I'm seeking, I decided to go ahead and jump back into regular practice. It held that the weather was so gorgeous, because it gave me an excuse to go outside and just sit and allow myself to relax and return to my breathing. my other intention was to try to reconnect with the earth and the land in this immediate area, especially because of the hydrocracking spill that occurred last week up in northern Pennsylvania. I've been wanting to write an article about it for the new blog, No Unsacred Place, but haven't known how to approach the topic in any coherent way. I strive for certain amount of poetic oppression, and that deep connection to the earth that can help me find the right words to express the importance of this issue. I am not exactly a news person or a fat person, I don't have very much confidence in listing all the evidence. I feel like my most moving pieces , my best kind of writing, is when I am able to draw from my personal experience—and yet, this is not something that I and experiencing personally. The world around me seems beautiful and healthy, and my only knowledge about this disaster comes from things I've read in the news or seen online. So I wanted to try to connect to the earth and reach out to the land to listen to what the land has say about the experience of this pollution and this tragedy. But I'm out of practice, and even if I weren't, I don't know if I would be able to listen like that to the land. I have had only fleeting experiences of the kind of connection that I've heard of in books, the tales of shamans from indigenous cultures and healers and even other pagans. Salons struggling to balance this lack of knowledge and lack of personal experience with my fear that I can't connect to the land in the way that I need to, that I won't be able to talk meaningfully about some of these very serious problems that deserve to be addressed.

This is tangentially related to some feelings I was having later this evening, that I think might be related to my Saturn return, and Jeff agrees with me with on that—he says that he read something this morning about how today would be a day of either great confidence or great self-doubt for most people all over the world. The stellium that was going on in Aries is finally coming to an end as most of the planets leave one by one, and Mercury has finally gone direct again. that might be one reason why I haven't been updating in this diary very much recently, there's been so much energy and intensity, and I focused it mostly on work and getting things done. In that way, I've been pretty successful. I've managed to launch my new website can, which looks fantastic, and get No Unsacred Place off the ground running, with lots of good posts from a number of different people. I'm doing well with my transcription work, and I have a plan for the next several months about various writing projects I want to undertake. But today, I found myself really bothered by a conversation on Facebook. I made the mistake of sharing a controversial article about the connection between autism and vaccinations that set—well, I was going to say a number of people, but that's just not true, it's really only one person whose opinion I value a great deal—in any case, I obviously have a problem being made of cool love in public. (So that sentence actually read, “being made a fool of”—but the mistaken transcription made me smile, so I'm going to leave it.)

The thing is, I don't know about the science behind vaccinations. I don't have time to know everything. But I do have personal experience of modern medicine, and how people are treated sometimes very poorly if they are viewed as lower class, or incompetent, or sometimes just female. Because I didn't have insurance the last time I went to the doctor, I was treated as though I were a know-nothing who couldn't be trusted to tie my own shoes, let alone keep myself healthy. A doctor told me in all seriousness that if my injured arm continued to hurt, that I should just take Vicodin to make the pain go away. The time before, when I was in a great deal of pain because of a urinary tract infection, the antibiotics they prescribed made me vomit so often I almost died of dehydration, and would have if just haven't been there to force me to drink Gatorade when I could barely sit up in bed. But when I returned to the doctor later, he told me that it must have been in my head because you can't be allergic to antibiotics. He proceeded to blame my anemia on being a vegetarian, even though I was diagnosed with and had suffered symptoms for years before becoming a vegetarian, and was able to mitigate my anemia once I gave up meat. To be treated with such disrespect is not an uncommon experience for a lot of people when they go to doctors and hospitals today, especially if they have a misunderstood disease or don't have the insurance to cover the treatment they might need. So I'm not surprised that parents are worried about what will happen to their children as a result of all of the vaccinations and drugs that are so blithely prescribed by doctors who sometimes don't really seem to care what your opinion is or whether or not you know what's going on or what's going into your body.

But none of that really matters. Parents who believed that there might be a connection between infant and childhood vaccinations and the increase in autism and other problematic diseases have been classified as nut cases, and anyone who states an argument even remotely agreeing with their perspective is dismissed. It bothers me that I don't know the science to back up the personal experience that I have had and I know others have had. It bothers me that debates cannot be nuanced or subtle, and that even people who I respect are very easier to demonize and to listen to spook stories and deride those who don't agree with them or don't know as much of them, rather than trying to be compassionate or educate them. And it really bothers me when a person uses the excuse of “being a parent of young children.” As if people who disagree with them couldn't possibly have families of their own or couldn't possibly be responsible parents themselves.

I think what bothers me most is the feeling that I can never know enough to be respected. I don't know if it's sexism or ageism or something else, or just in my head. But it often feels as though no matter how hard I study, no matter how eloquently I write, no matter how my ideas are born out by events and experiences, that I am rarely taken seriously, or if I am, it's treated as a one time thing, almost a miracle, unexpected at the very least. I feel resentful and bitter towards leaders in the pagan community to act as gatekeepers and whose recommendations are seen as the final word about what to value and who to listen to. I work my ass off. But often times, I feel as though I have no idea what will be viewed as valuable an intelligent by others, and what will be seen as arrogant, or confusing, or obscure, or just plain dull. I want to do work that is valuable and important, and work that stems from my personal experience and my view of the world, and yet sometimes it seems that it is precisely that kind of work, work that relies on and is rooted in personal experience instead of objective facts or the consensus of the majority, that is derided or dismissed.

Who is my authority? This is the question that Saturn prompts me to ask this coming year. Maybe the lesson is that I shouldn't try to talk about things that I haven't personally experienced. Yet that just doesn't seem right, not when so many things around me deserve to be talked about and need to be brought to people's attention. What about this spill up in northern Pennsylvania, that hardly anyone is paying attention to? I don't know. Maybe this is my fear of being irrelevant, and I should overcome it and trust that the experiences that I have are truly valuable. Maybe this is just the old fear that I live a protected and cushy life, and I have nothing to say of value unless I'm talking about tragedies that are going on elsewhere, over there, to those other people. Or maybe this is just all nonsense. I'm tired of having these debates. I'm tired of always having to justify myself and prove myself. I don't even know if I'm trying to prove myself to other people, or to myself, or some combination of the two. And I can't help but think that a lot of people must be feeling this right now. I know that I'm an intelligent person, and I have a good education that has continued to expand on my own time and with my own resources. What about those people who don't have those opportunities? Again, I can't help but feel like we need to have more compassion for people who might hold theories that seem crazy or kooky or wrong. But when I tried to say this, especially in the context where I shared something that turned out to be incorrect, it's so easy to accuse me of just trying to change the conversation and avoid acknowledging that I was wrong. (And of course, I don't even know that I am wrong, all I have is the word of other people who disagree with me for their own reasons.)

The incense wafts in the air. The candle burns steady. These things I experienced right now, as they are. I am not crazy for thinking that these things are meaningful, that they change the world and they change me through my willingness to experience them. How do I translate this into work that is meaningful for other people? Is this kind of frustration a good thing, something that I should embrace and acknowledge as a necessary reminder, a stick that will urge me on? Or is it something that I should leave behind? I used to always face into my fears, chasing them down in the belief that they would leave me to a deeper truth. Is this that kind of fear, or the kind that should be shrugged off and forgotten as silly? Maybe I should embrace the idea that I will be viewed as a ditz or a fool or, gods forbid, just a woman. May be there is a kind of freedom in that. I don't know. I could go around in circles all night with this question. I don't even know why it bothers me so much, but it's been on my mind all night.

I think, regardless of anything else, that I do need to return to my practice of centering and grounding, and renew my commitment to regular prayer and meditation. Even if it doesn't bring me any clarity on these types of issues, at least perhaps it'll get my mind to shut up for a little while and stop worrying over things that might not be all that important in the grand scheme. In any case, it's getting rather late, and I think I should end this.

I apologize for any strange wordings or typos. I've tried to catch most of them, but I'm still getting used to using this dictation software. Just being able to talk it out in a clear, articulate voice has actually helped me feel better about some of these issues. So maybe this will become a regular practice of mine. Or maybe not.

Diary Tarot Card

As I dealt out the cards, my mind wandering, a thought occurred to me: that when we worry too much about being perfect in our writing and our words, we assume a certain passivity in our readers and the community who receives the products of our creativity. Maybe there is a place, instead, for trust—trust that, even if our words are not perfect or our work salvific, that they will be received in such a way that they will have the right effect anyway. I think of Merton and detractors who talk about his ideas as dangerous and self-absorbed, and yet so many people have been drawn to contemplation and mysticism through his writing. Even if he was a self-absorbed sex-maniac (as some folks tell it), his writings still have a blessing effect on many. Maybe that's the best we can hope for.


© Stephanie Pui-Mun Law, The Shadowscape Tarot

The Knight of Cups follows his dreams, the idealist and romantic who listens deeply to the stirrings of connection and emotion at the heart of things and follows the promptings of his intuition. He is almost reckless in his pursuit of those ideals, sure that his faithfulness and honest devotion will bear him to those dreams he seeks.

The King of Swords sits poised, a portrait in stilled movement, a thinker gazing abstractly over his realm. He is balance and reason, the weighing of night and day, art and science brought to bear on one another. Clarity of vision and depth of insight, thought and memory, are his guides. He does not go out seeking on a quest, but sends his thoughts flying to the farthest realms while he remains, a pillar of strength and intelligence.

Meanwhile, in the Six of Cups is a reminder of childhood innocence and open-mindedness, an embrace of all the possibilities the world holds. It is a card of simple joys and pleasures, and an imaginative engagement with the world that prompts a response in kind. The little girl sets her table and pours her tea, never minding that grown-ups might not believe or might claim she's only imagining—and sure enough, the faeries slip in to share her simple, playful ritual with her, welcomed guests for once not shuffled off with skepticism and disbelief.

The cards in this spread present a clear movement from right to left, as each figure seems to move into the next. The Knight of Cups, with his idealism and romanticism, might represent the initial urge at the beginning of the journey, the spark that sets the whole thing rolling. Perhaps in this case, it represents the higher pull of justice and peace that I feel, that drives me towards… the King of Swords, that desire to see clearly across the whole realm, to become, through knowledge and clarity of insight, a ruler even over life and death, day and night. In the King of Swords card, the movement of the Knight is stilled and restrained, reigned in to be refined and directed wisely, without undue haste or recklessness. In this spread, it's almost as though the stillness in the King of Swords makes space for the innocence and play in the Six of Cups—while at the same time, the Sword card is the fulcrum on which everything turns, so that if the call of idealism is the urge that begins the journey, the exercise of careful thought and clarity of insight is the way the journey is made, even in the midst of seeming stillness. And what both of these lead towards is that expression of innocence and imagination—that is what, in the end, has the power to change the world, evoking engagement and relationship. Piercing intelligence is stilled and respectfully restrained in the presence of creativity. Again, there is that message of the stilled sword—the sword held up to cast light, rather than to strike a killing blow. Again and again, this symbolism comes up. Something to ponder for the future.

Diary

Days of Note: Seakeeping with Manannan

Sun: pisces (water/mutable), 7:32am - 7:27pm
Moon: *waxing gibbous, leo (fire/fixed)
Earth: gray, somewhat chilly and rainy all day, though at least we seem to be safely past the snowy season, if not the morning frosts

I'm raging again tonight. Every once in a while I get into moods where everyone just strikes me as stupid and selfish and, despite my pacifism, I want to kick people in the head.

What set me off this evening was reading Rand Paul's rant about low-flow toilets. How a grown man can throw such a self-entitled tantrum that would make our eight-year-old roll his eyes, and do so as a member of an elected government.... ! Jeff insists he's just blinded by his particular ideology, to which I responded, "Well I'd like to kick him in the head so that he would be blinded by my foot in his face!" Low-flow toilets! Of all the things! Like there aren't people who use a bucket or a hole in the ground... like there aren't people in this country who do it by choice as part of their effort to live an environmentally respectful lifestyle, recycling their own byproducts through their compost toilets and giving themselves back to the earth, ensuring there will be enough clean water for the rest of us. And meanwhile, studies are rolling in that those most disproportionately affected by the climate change crisis are those who tend to contribute the least to the world's pollution — those who live impoverished and close to the land — while studies show that we Americans with our air-conditioned SUVs rumbling around the suburbs are growing increasingly less worried about climate change in recent years. It drives me nuts!

And then my cousin, who can sometimes be a bit, well, judgmental, makes a passing remark on Facebook about how as a journalist she used to hate interviewing writers because they always had such big egos. Which, even if it's not an intentional swipe at me personally, still feels like one. Like there's this whole nobility that comes with struggle and failure, like those of us who are passionate about our work shouldn't dare take pride in our accomplishments — or like working to cultivate a thriving community of "niche" readers in love with your subject matter means you're still just a "little fish in a huge sea" and shouldn't imagine that what you do is actually -laugh- important!

Then the irony hits me.

I can't fully articulate it, but there must be a lesson here, about judgement and kindness and rage and passion. And community. What strikes me over and over is how hard it is to save the world each on our own. Every effort Jeff and I make, every step we take towards a healthier lifestyle is one that we take, firstly, as a family, and secondly, as members of our local community. It would be impossible to do this if we didn't live in an urban neighborhood with stores within biking and walking distance, if we didn't have the local co-op with organic, local produce, if we didn't have restaurants nearby specializing in vegetarian and organic cuisine, if we didn't have neighbors and community volunteer programs involved with keeping the city parks clean and available, or protecting the local landscape from developers and corporations. And still, I feel like I'm not doing enough. And when I think of folks in the suburbs, I get angry. I get judgmental.

What I should probably be doing is seeking kindness, and passion. Passion will connect and grow, where rage only isolates and repulses. Kindness opens people up to the possibility that they are good enough, that a good and healthy life doesn't have to be one of desperation and frustration and struggle. There is nothing wrong with taking pride in what we do to help one another and improve the quality of life for ourselves. Harping on how hard and tiring it is to drag American culture along by its teeth into the realities of the twenty first century isn't going to win anyone over. If change and health is something that we can only find in community (with each other, and with the earth), then first we have to nurture and share those things that help to foster community: joy, laughter, kindness, generosity, and gratitude.

I can feel the rage like a physical entity in my body. When I sit for a moment and breathe, I can feel how close that rage is to love and excitement, how easy it is to change my mind about the physical sensations coursing through this meat-space of mine. In a few breaths, that energy is transformed and directed, no longer a destructive force that wants out through clenched fists and tensed muscles, but now something that I can work with, shape and direct to transform the world.

This is what daily practice is for. This is why meditation and prayer are so absolutely vital. The tools to transform rage and anger and frustration and fear — to change them from the center. To reform and redirect, to refine and renew. I can do this. I can learn to do this.

Diary Tarot Card

© Stephanie Pui-Mun Law, The Shadowscape Tarot

The King of Pentacles stands sure and steady in the center, presenting a choice or offering alternatives. A figure of stability and generosity rooted deeply in the earth, he remains grounded and humble (close to humus) even as his aspirations reach ever higher towards the sun and rain above. The choices he presents, with his wise guidance, are two alternatives, two ways of handling the energies of the earth that well up within, drawn from the roots and gathered in from the limbs.

The Nine of Wands is a choice that brings us constant vigilance and resolve, tensed with uncertainty, straining into the future and what it may hold. The lone sentinel astride his mount, poised on the cliff, already worn with previous battles and perhaps overly eager to see strife and conflict in what's to come.

The Four of Wands, on the other hand, is a choice of freedom and joy, celebration and jubilation, finding harmony and balance among our energies so that, through them, we discover our freedom and lightness of being. Lush flowers bloom below as the sun shines above, and we discover ourselves not alone, but part of a community dancing and bounding with gladness through the beauty-charged landscape.

Both these choices lead in the same direction. The center figure, the King, holds his arms out in an equal length cross from his chest, reaching towards each. But to his left, the Nine of Wands, his open hand is lost in shadow, while to his right, his open palm shines in sunlight, holding the glimmering, golden acorn, seed of great and mighty things to come. Prosperity, generosity and stability come not from the battle-weary and bitter, but from the energies of joy and gladness shared in community, which lead back to the center, back to the feet of the King himself.

Diary

Days of Note: New Wind Tossed Moon

Sun: pisces (water/mutable), 6:51am - 6:13pm
Moon: new moon, pisces (water/mutable)
Earth: cold and bright, down into the teens this morning, but climbing into the 30s later in the day

Yesterday was a "Wedding Wednesday" day of planning and preparing for our next "Beer & Budget" meeting with my parents next week. Had a moment of panic in looking at the amount of work still to be done, not so much because I'm afraid I won't be able to do it all, but because there's so much to do I'm afraid I'll miss something, and the sheer amount is hard to organize into an attack plan for the next six months. After talking it over some with Jeff and making some lists over dinner (a belated Valentine's Day dinner out at the Melting Pot), I felt a little more able to approach the task of drawing up a detailed plan for the next three months and a general plan for the final three after that. Like last time, this Beer & Budget meeting is going to be at least half dedicated to going over the details of what we've already gotten done, which is a lot. I'm a little worried that we haven't heard back from the officiant about our desire to meet with him in person when we're actually down in the area in three weeks (after our business trip) — I was hoping to hear back from him this week so we could let my parents know about the intended meeting and also so we could arrange travel plans with Arthur about a return trip, if he's planning on driving down with us.

I'm also a little freaked about the Do It Yourself projects I have lined up, especially the one involving the customized drinking glasses. I have still not found a reliable and classy-looking way to get the glass paint to work, after experimenting on smaller pieces like votive candle holders. Our next experiment is going to be using the sand-blasting to get an "etched glass" look, see if we can get that to work with a handmade stencil using our design. And of course, there's the lawyer consultation, and anxiety in general about the florist, and the cake that my mom is supposedly handling (though she tends to leave this stuff to the last minute), and the music (I'm still not sure Raymond is even planning on coming, so relying on him to play for the ceremony is probably a no-go), and the dress (which is not as big an issue, honestly, I have a dress picked out and some intended alterations to make, and if it falls through I have a back-up choice that's under a hundred bucks that I could order and have ready in only a few weeks). In general, it's all the little stuff that I'm worried about losing track of, especially since it seems some of our vendors have a habit of saying, "Oh, we'll email that to you!" and then needing three or four reminders before they actually do it. Long distance planning.....

On the other hand, I have been thinking more and more recently how my approach to wedding planning (using "GULP") might also work for approaching my book manuscript — since I've now told Graeme I want to have that finished by June, originally thinking I could get it out of the way so that the last few months leading up to the wedding I wouldn't have to worry about it, but getting that finished and the website launched might be a bit over-ambitious. With the Christmas gift card from Steve and Phyllis, I got a couple books on organizing research and manuscripts for nonfiction books, and "growing your author platform," thinking that, like the Big Wedding Book I got, I can read them knowing I probably won't care about even half of what they say, but knowing how other people do it can give me something to go off of and tweak to my own needs. We'll see — the books arrived a few days ago, but I haven't been able to bring myself to read them yet.

Otherwise, today was mostly work after waking up quite early in the morning. I'm dreading "daylight savings time" when it'll go back to being dark until 7:30 each morning. Had a minor freak-out with Jeff over the issue of late checks — he got in touch with the woman in accounting who takes care of that, asking if there was anything I could do to try to keep the checks more regular instead of going a month at a time without an income, and her response was to point out that my contract says turn-around time on the invoices just has to be under two weeks. It bothered me more than it should have, but this has been twice now in only three months that there has there been a lengthy delay, and the first delay was three weeks long, so clearly my ability to enforce the contract is pretty much nil (and I pointed out the injustice of this to Jeff, at length). But what bothers me is that all I was asking was for more information — even just a response back saying the invoice had been received and was in-process — and her response felt like she was chiding me for being an impatient nag. It seems to me that replying with a two-minute email giving an acknowledgement that the invoice has been received and an estimate about when the check might be processed hardly pushes the boundaries of simple courtesy. It bothers me when I am trying to behave like a reasonable person, asking how we can both work to make things easier on both ends, and all I get back is a snippy response citing "contracts" that one party can ignore at will in any case. I do have the option of sending an invoice whenever I want, and could easily make things much harder by sending invoices every week, or even every few days, instead of twice a month as I have been. That would more than double her workload, which is why I've been content to just do biweekly, but if she's not going to meet me halfway on trying to get the check turn-around time lower than ten to twelve days (and erratic, at that), then I'm not sure what other options I really have. So much for me trying to be courteous by submitting regularly timed, reasonably spaced invoices to make everyone's lives easier.

When I'm a face author rolling in dough, these things will seem like such silly worries.

In terms of spiritual practice — other than the diet, which is demanding a lot of discipline and mindfulness from me most days, I find myself wanting to spend time in meditation or, especially, out in the woods, but without the time available between all the projects I'm trying to juggle. I'm eager to explore this relationship with Manannan, which seems to have receded a bit, though when I think about it, I get that thrill of excitement almost as though I'm musing on a new crush. I've been working to bring more mindfulness and presence to my daily activities, but when I'm stuck in front of a computer screen for hours at a time, it's difficult to do — as if there's nothing physical to be present to. The weather takes a dive in temperature whenever it's sunny enough out to be inviting, and only warms up when it's gray and drizzling. The other day (two days ago, or three, I think), we woke up to a gray, misty, rainy mornings in the low fifties. I was downstairs eating breakfast when Jeff decided to run out to the grocery store before settling down to work for the day — he came back in and asked if he could open the window in the dining room to share the morning with me, and his eyes were shining. The smell of spring came pouring through the open window, and the grass in the backyard suddenly seemed to be living again the way it hadn't been all winter, though it was still sparse and patchy. It was as if I could smell the spongey give of the muddy ground, and I actually started to cry a little with relief. Jeff nodded and said that had been his reaction, too, when he first stepped out. I'd wanted to go for a walk that day, but waited thinking it might get a bit warmer later in the day. Instead, the temperature dropped again until it was just too cold to go out into the woods. We did manage to go jogging together the day before yesterday, and that helped a bit with the cabin fever. But today, my body is not feeling comfortable at all, and after breakfast I actually had an intense wave of nausea hit me which resulted in me losing half of what I'd eaten back up into the toilet. I suspect that was just drainage from overnight fighting with the orange juice... but it does worry me a bit. I feel so desperate for spring, I can hardly stand it. Sitting in the study visualizing warmth and water and fire just does not have the same effect. I miss the earth and the woods deeply, and if the cold didn't make my skin so painful that it bleeds, I'd be outside much more. (All the more reason to move to Florida, at least for a little while. That, and the fact that the stars are aligned against me ever making any career progress here in Pittsburgh.)

Tomorrow, I only have a few hours of work left for the week in the morning, and I plan to spend the rest of the day working on revision for the book manuscript and possibly coming up with a GULP game-plan to get the revision done by June. I also want to email everyone who's agreed to sign on to the Green Pagan blog project, and write up a request for a few more writers for Jason to send out on the lists. Getting that off the ground would be fantastic (I'm reading Abram's Becoming Animal now and already it's amazing — though at times even a bit too heady with the poetic language for my taste).

Diary Tarot Card

© Stephanie Pui-Mun Law, The Shadowscape Tarot

The Empress (III) - Queen of the natural world in all its fecundity and lushness, she is a symbol of mother earth and her cycles of ceaseless creativity and regeneration. A card saturated with life and color, the joy of the senses and the sensuous, she represents the pleasure we take in our creative powers and a full-body engagement with this new blossoming, the first buds opening. She is the first unfurling and manifestation and the creative urge into the world, and as such she is wild and full of passion and self-giving, though still somewhat unstructured for the time being.

Six of Swords - A necessary journey through difficulty and strife, leaving these trials and tribulations behind as we move on to a brighter future. He nestles into the warm down of the swan's back as she carries him across a dark-clouded sky, high above the stormcrows where they perch hunched and black on their sharp swords. The journey is one of respite and renewal, providing comfort and perspective - but there may also be a risk of carrying those burdens with us, the unhealthy thought-patterns, expectations and attitudes that weighed us down and drained us of our energy in the past. This journey is a time of rest and recuperation, letting go of the past and looking forward to a welcoming future ahead.

Ace of Swords - A new beginning, the gift of clarity and insight that helps us put what was once chaotic into order and gain the perspective and knowledge we need to see the truth of things, and work towards that truth with justice and reason. Perhaps the start of a new intellectual endeavor or a break-through that will lead to new ideas and insights.

Story - A story that moves from the past into the future: the Empress faces to the right, towards the Six of Swords, her left hand upraised in blessings as the butterflies dance and swirl in brilliant patterns of color before her. She is the creative urge, so closely connected with my sensuous relationship with the earth and the woods, that I have felt in the past: a joy that pulses through me and manifests in spinning words in poetry and story, but has often lacked the structure (and I, the discipline) to sustain any long projects. The Six of Swords continues the journey on the back of a graceful white swan, facing to the right again, moving through a period in the present characterized by difficulty and struggle as I work to leave behind old, unhelpful patterns of thought and allow the forced rest and withdrawal of winter to give me an opportunity to gain perspective and reevaluate. In the final card, the Ace of Swords, the journey comes to an end, the upright sword surrounded by both swans and butterflies in joyful celebration — the integration of the creative self and its denizens, the butterflies, with the fierce commitment and graceful strength of the swans necessary to make the long journey, and at their center, the Sword of Light, both poetry and intellect, creativity and the insight and clarity to order that creativity in a way that will give birth to a new beginning, new projects yet to come.