Diary

Days of Note: Seakeeping with Manannan

Sun: pisces (water/mutable), 7:32am - 7:27pm
Moon: *waxing gibbous, leo (fire/fixed)
Earth: gray, somewhat chilly and rainy all day, though at least we seem to be safely past the snowy season, if not the morning frosts

I'm raging again tonight. Every once in a while I get into moods where everyone just strikes me as stupid and selfish and, despite my pacifism, I want to kick people in the head.

What set me off this evening was reading Rand Paul's rant about low-flow toilets. How a grown man can throw such a self-entitled tantrum that would make our eight-year-old roll his eyes, and do so as a member of an elected government.... ! Jeff insists he's just blinded by his particular ideology, to which I responded, "Well I'd like to kick him in the head so that he would be blinded by my foot in his face!" Low-flow toilets! Of all the things! Like there aren't people who use a bucket or a hole in the ground... like there aren't people in this country who do it by choice as part of their effort to live an environmentally respectful lifestyle, recycling their own byproducts through their compost toilets and giving themselves back to the earth, ensuring there will be enough clean water for the rest of us. And meanwhile, studies are rolling in that those most disproportionately affected by the climate change crisis are those who tend to contribute the least to the world's pollution — those who live impoverished and close to the land — while studies show that we Americans with our air-conditioned SUVs rumbling around the suburbs are growing increasingly less worried about climate change in recent years. It drives me nuts!

And then my cousin, who can sometimes be a bit, well, judgmental, makes a passing remark on Facebook about how as a journalist she used to hate interviewing writers because they always had such big egos. Which, even if it's not an intentional swipe at me personally, still feels like one. Like there's this whole nobility that comes with struggle and failure, like those of us who are passionate about our work shouldn't dare take pride in our accomplishments — or like working to cultivate a thriving community of "niche" readers in love with your subject matter means you're still just a "little fish in a huge sea" and shouldn't imagine that what you do is actually -laugh- important!

Then the irony hits me.

I can't fully articulate it, but there must be a lesson here, about judgement and kindness and rage and passion. And community. What strikes me over and over is how hard it is to save the world each on our own. Every effort Jeff and I make, every step we take towards a healthier lifestyle is one that we take, firstly, as a family, and secondly, as members of our local community. It would be impossible to do this if we didn't live in an urban neighborhood with stores within biking and walking distance, if we didn't have the local co-op with organic, local produce, if we didn't have restaurants nearby specializing in vegetarian and organic cuisine, if we didn't have neighbors and community volunteer programs involved with keeping the city parks clean and available, or protecting the local landscape from developers and corporations. And still, I feel like I'm not doing enough. And when I think of folks in the suburbs, I get angry. I get judgmental.

What I should probably be doing is seeking kindness, and passion. Passion will connect and grow, where rage only isolates and repulses. Kindness opens people up to the possibility that they are good enough, that a good and healthy life doesn't have to be one of desperation and frustration and struggle. There is nothing wrong with taking pride in what we do to help one another and improve the quality of life for ourselves. Harping on how hard and tiring it is to drag American culture along by its teeth into the realities of the twenty first century isn't going to win anyone over. If change and health is something that we can only find in community (with each other, and with the earth), then first we have to nurture and share those things that help to foster community: joy, laughter, kindness, generosity, and gratitude.

I can feel the rage like a physical entity in my body. When I sit for a moment and breathe, I can feel how close that rage is to love and excitement, how easy it is to change my mind about the physical sensations coursing through this meat-space of mine. In a few breaths, that energy is transformed and directed, no longer a destructive force that wants out through clenched fists and tensed muscles, but now something that I can work with, shape and direct to transform the world.

This is what daily practice is for. This is why meditation and prayer are so absolutely vital. The tools to transform rage and anger and frustration and fear — to change them from the center. To reform and redirect, to refine and renew. I can do this. I can learn to do this.

Diary Tarot Card

© Stephanie Pui-Mun Law, The Shadowscape Tarot

The King of Pentacles stands sure and steady in the center, presenting a choice or offering alternatives. A figure of stability and generosity rooted deeply in the earth, he remains grounded and humble (close to humus) even as his aspirations reach ever higher towards the sun and rain above. The choices he presents, with his wise guidance, are two alternatives, two ways of handling the energies of the earth that well up within, drawn from the roots and gathered in from the limbs.

The Nine of Wands is a choice that brings us constant vigilance and resolve, tensed with uncertainty, straining into the future and what it may hold. The lone sentinel astride his mount, poised on the cliff, already worn with previous battles and perhaps overly eager to see strife and conflict in what's to come.

The Four of Wands, on the other hand, is a choice of freedom and joy, celebration and jubilation, finding harmony and balance among our energies so that, through them, we discover our freedom and lightness of being. Lush flowers bloom below as the sun shines above, and we discover ourselves not alone, but part of a community dancing and bounding with gladness through the beauty-charged landscape.

Both these choices lead in the same direction. The center figure, the King, holds his arms out in an equal length cross from his chest, reaching towards each. But to his left, the Nine of Wands, his open hand is lost in shadow, while to his right, his open palm shines in sunlight, holding the glimmering, golden acorn, seed of great and mighty things to come. Prosperity, generosity and stability come not from the battle-weary and bitter, but from the energies of joy and gladness shared in community, which lead back to the center, back to the feet of the King himself.

Flamekeeping Meditation and Divination

Days of Note: Flamekeeping (begins at sundown), New Wind Tossed Moon

Sun: pisces (water/mutable), 6:48am - 6:16pm
Moon: new moon, pisces (water/mutable)
Earth: warmer and raining all day, with some winds rustling the trees

Meditation

For a while, I sat quietly in darkness, eyes closed, waiting. For a while, nothing came. I felt my body relax as deeper trance took me and, after wandering in obscurity for a time, I found myself back on the cliffs of my inner landscape, looking east out over the long, silent waters of blue ocean. To my left, along the cliffs edge, the rocks raised to a peak where the huge, ancient Shrine of the Ashless Flame burns, stone bowl carved of the rock of the land, covered with lichen, filled with dew and rain water, over which the ashless flame flickers, a mirror to the sun, a fiery arrow pointing ever upwards.

This was where I first met Brigid in my meditations, here on the edge of the forest that led into my grove, on the highest point, a pinnacle over the sea and woods, reaching towards the sky. I laid offerings and poured libations and sat before the impersonal, eternal flame as it danced in the wind. It was months before I made the connection to Brigid as a goddess — she was, first and always, a primal force, surging upwards from the earth, rising like wellspring and steam and the scent of stone and soil as it rises with the midday sun's heat as the twilight settles in.

All at once, I was hearing her voice again, unprompted, speaking in low, steady, vibrating tones. She spoke of that power, that I have forgotten perhaps too often recently in imagining her as a goddess with body and human shape, a human face. She is, above all, the exaltation, the rising energy and force. She is not a human, but a Person of glory and light and brightness, and also of underground water and sacred sources of healing working in the dark and the mystery.

I felt a resistance to my left, the west, where the edge of the forest seemed to loom dark and thick in my peripheral vision. I turned towards the woods, saw the shadows lurking beneath the tangled branches despite the bright sun overhead. That was the place I must turn to and enter, what had been dwelling on my mind — she seemed to say, and yet, the forest was thick and dark with growth, that green sprawling and spreading and climbing over itself to reach the light that poured out upon them, each leaf finding its place. The darkness was not apart from the light, but an aspect of it, a response to it; the shadows of the forest existed because of it, not in spite of it. It was not Brigid who gifted me the Sword of Light, though she may have had a hand in forging it, nor was it in the light of day that the Sword of Light is used, but in the darkness and the night, in the mysteries and the depths. I know now whose gift the Sword of Light is to give, she told me, and turning I saw again the ocean stretching wide beneath me. Though the sun was intimate and close in its self-giving, impersonal in its distance and brilliance and illumination, the oceans wrap the earth in a surrounding embrace, so very close, dark and deep and intimate and passionate.

What, then, should I do about these flamekeeping shifts? I thought I was meant to know her more personally, but it seemed that she would always be, to some extent, the great fiery arrow, the blaze and glory, the guide and inspiration but also the drive and power — not tame, not ever so intimate or quiet as I had hoped. Should I turn my attention and energy, then, to cultivating that personal relationship with Manannan? Should I stop my flamekeeping shifts and leave the Cill? No, for the perspective and illumination of these moments of seeking her to honor her in her power and impersonal wholeness are also important. Hold these flamekeeping shifts still, but do not expect too much of them. Hold them because you honor that Light, that Flame, not because you expect personal attention or intimacy in return. It is important to remember that not all gods are tame.

Flamekeeping Divination

What does Brigid ask of me for this Flamekeeping shift?


© Stephanie Pui-Mun Law, The Shadowscape Tarot

(a) Page of Cups - She holds the golden chalice up to gaze within at the stray sunbeams and lost treasures that have sunk into the deep, shining even deep beneath these waters with the warmth and radiance from a far off sun. She is the true romantic, the dreamer of dreams, listening to her intuition and her depth of feeling with all the enraptured attention of a child. Here, there is peace and simplicity, and dreams of sunlight kissing the rocking surface of the waves.

(b) Page of Pentacles - Perched high upon the molded stone, above the curling, sleeping figure of the dragon green and verdant, powers of the earth, its lush fecundity — she holds in her hand the glimmer of invitation and initiative, of opportunities for prosperity and, more importantly, for growth. It is her gift, with her practical nature and her concerns for earthly, earthy matters lightened by her joy in the physical bounty around her. Diligence and rootedness, giving rise to the blossom, the fruit and the seed.

(c) King of Cups - Calm, patient, guardian of the deeps, strength of the sea in both its storm and the slow erosion of its caress, breaking open the rocky shores, opening and smoothing, gently claiming them over eons of murmuring and the dance of the tides. He is a protector and guide, and the quiet strength of mystery and compassion well up from within him like the waters of the ocean from the unimaginable depths, yet as close and intimate as the blood, that private sea, we carry within our own bodies and hearts.

The Story: Each card of Cups faces in towards the center, the Page of Pentacles, which gazes ahead, reaching out her gift before her in offering. This is the Central Destination story, and suggest the ways in which these energies, patterns or people may converge and meet, and what that meeting might lead to. It seems, perhaps, that I am represented by the Page of Cups, who holds a sacred chalice close, gazing deeply into the shining golden light within. I seek to know that sunlight and that warmth — and, as with the Page of Cups, perhaps this gazing and dreaming is an aspect of a romantic longing, a listening to the lessons of my intuition and subconscious. Yet, the Page faces towards the King of Cups, who faces her in return. He, too, holds a chalice, though it seems to be made of silver and does not glow with golden light — it is as if he is offering up the very essence of himself, the depths that are the seas and their dark waters. In some ways, then, it seems this story is one of mutual offering and exchange between myself and the God of the Sea, Manannan, a marriage of patience and strength of ancient seas with the liveliness and voyage-dreams of sun-gilded surface of waves. As a result of this meeting or relationship, the Page of Pentacles offers a gift of initiative and opportunity for growth, a place in which both practicality and levity have their place, or perhaps a chance to bring these gifts to manifestation beyond the realm of emotion and intuition and into the physical world as part of the earth's fertility and creativity.

It seems, then, that Brigid's advice is clear: to give myself over to this relationship with Manannan, to embrace that new meeting, and to carry my own light into that relationship, a light I have received from and learned from her. Doing this will lead not only to a relationship of mutual exchange, but fruitful, concrete results of productivity and initiative as well.

Divination: The Relationship between Manannan and Brigid

I just finished Robert M. Place's The Tarot: History, Symbolism and Divination (one of the books I got Jeff for Solstice this year), and so I thought it might be worthwhile to experiment with his three-card story technique. One of the spreads he recommends is a nine-card "relationship spread," so I used that spread to explore the potential relationship between Manannan and Brigid Star Fire. My clarity in the question ("What is the relationship between Manannan and Brigid?") may be somewhat lacking, since I didn't exactly ask what their relationship was in regards to me, and I'm not sure my interpretation of the cards will be all that accurate since I've only experimented in a kind of intuitive way with three-card story readings before (jumping to a full nine-card spread may have been ambitious, now that I'm looking at the cards all laid out in front of me). But here goes:

(g) (h) (i)
(a) (b) (c) . . . (d) (e) (f)

Manannan

© Stephanie Pui-Mun Law, The Shadowscape Tarot

(a) The Star (XII) - A card above all of hope, renewal and inspiration, the guidance of starlight emerging from darkness and difficulty. There is respite, rebirth and peace in this card, the optimism that resides in stillness and quiet, in which the first stirrings of joy begin. The image of the card is dominated by the soft blues and purples of water in ripples and swirls around the figure of the Star stepping delicately over the surface of the water. Around her swim golden carp, and above her shines a seven-pointed star in silvery-white reflected in the rippling curls of her hair. All is still and quiet, shimmering. The figure of the Star walks forward, but looks to her right (my left) with a hand upraised in blessing.

(b) Ace of Wands - A card of energetic beginnings and passion taking root, the wand of fire planted firmly in the ground alights with inspiration and creativity. This card seems to reflect the classic meaning of new beginnings and fresh starts in the realm of activity, yet the image depicts an autumn landscape at sunset, golden-colored fallen leaves swirling and rustling around the feet of the foxes, while small red mushrooms push their way up from the soil nearby. This spark or seed of creativity illuminates and draws out the creatures and spirits of the woods that otherwise may not be seen — just as in autumn, with the baring of the trees can reveal new aspects of the landscape usually hidden by the thick green of foliage. Of the three foxes, one faces right, one left, and the third forward — this last has a sun-spiral tattoo on his flank, spiraling outward. The seed of fiery energy and passion can take root even in a waning season, and germinate and grow throughout the spiraling year.

(c) Page of Pentacles - The Page perches upon a mounded rock around which an ancient dragon, green and verdant, curls asleep and dreaming of prosperity, fecundity and opportunity. She holds forward glowing in her left outstretched hand a small golden orb, the spark of opportunity and initiative, the key and invitation to plunge in and enjoy the sensuality and physicality of the world. She faces forward on her perch, as does her owl companion, though the sleeping dragon faces off to the left (my right), towards the center of the spread.

Story: The general flow of energy in these three cards seems to be from the central card (the Ace of Wands) outward in two directions, towards The Star and the Page of Pentacles on either side. One fox each faces left, right and straight on — my interpretation of this is what Place calls the "central teacher" pattern, in which a central figure is pointing out or commenting on two options or alternatives. The spark of creativity and passion symbolized in the Ace of Wands takes on two different forms. In The Star, that spark becomes a silvery seven-rayed point of light, far distant yet able to give guidance and hope in the midst of darkness. The figure of the Star reaches towards the utmost left of the spread, in fact almost directly pointing towards the placement of Manannan's candle and shell on my altar. In the other card, the Page of Pentacles, the spark of energy in the Ace of Wands becomes an invitation or offered gift to take the plunge into a sensual, pleasurable engagement with the physical world and encouragement to seize the opportunities presented. Though this card, too, is mostly a forward-facing one, there is some movement of energy to the right, towards the center of the spread. The Ace of Wands, as a central teacher, seems to be suggesting that these two approaches to an initial spark of inspiration need to be balanced and brought together — the intertwining bodies of the foxes, the spiral tattoo that draws both together, and the spiraling double-twist of the staff on the wand itself seem to suggest bringing these two approaches together to inform one another.

Brigid Star Fire

(d) The Hanged Man (XII) - A card of willing surrender and self-sacrifice, especially a time of reversals, transformed expectations and a new perspective on the world that can bring further insight and breakthroughs. The figure of the Hanged Man is one of release, but also of tenacity and strength, the inner courage and commitment to see through a period of difficulty and sacrifice, a suspension of the ego on the World Tree. Upside down, hanging from the branches of the huge oak, he faces off to the right, but his head tilts back so that he almost seems to be craning to gaze left from his inverted position. Above his hands, protected by the fold of his legs, he cradles a small, glowing golden orb similar to the one the Page of Pentacles offers.

(e) The Moon (XVIII) - A card of dreams and things half-seen in the pale moonlight which sometimes seems to only create more shadows and uncertainties in amongst the dark trees of the woods. The figure of the Moon stands within a ring of mushrooms, an enchanted faery circle glistening with tiny fireflies and dew. She holds up her left hand pointing upwards, a tiny red heart in her palm, and in her other hand she holds a strange, white mask with elongated nose and red ribbons trailing from it, which she turns her head (to her right, my left) to contemplate. Above her, a gray-white bird, possibly a doe, flies off to the left above her head. She is a figure deeply involved with masks, questions of identity and honesty — she holds at once the bright heart of true emotion revealed to all, and the mask that one might use to conceal it. She stands within a sacred circle, danced around by faery beings, yet she appears solitary and singular in the center, not exactly participating in the gathering. The world around her seems very much like a dream world, both obscure and revealing.

(f) Nine of Cups - The mermaid-figure in this card marvels at the swirling beauty around him, so rich and luxurious — the school of golden fish turn and move, circling almost as one being, sparkling and shining in the dark waters, and the mermaid seems to bow in reverence and gratitude in amongst them. This card symbolizes wealth and luxury, especially in terms of emotional contentment and gratitude, and suggests a feeling of exquisite harmony and fluidity in how everything seems to be coming together. The mermaid faces left, towards the center of the spread, but although the fish swirl around him, many seem to face to the right, towards the placement of the candle of Brigid Star Fire on my altar.

Story: It seems as though these three cards might be illustrating what Place calls a "central problem" pattern, in which there is no clear energy flow and the central card is blocking or dispersing the energy. The center card, The Moon, faces forward, but her face is turned towards the left (her right), with both hands raised. This might also be a "central teacher" pattern or even a linear pattern from right to left, where the final card (the Hanged Man) is turned to meet the action. The figures in these cards seem much more ambiguous than in the Waite-Smith deck Place works with, so I'm not exactly sure how to interpret the energy flow in this story. Assuming a linear pattern to the energy flow, the story moves from the Nine of Cups towards the right — suggesting a beginning in harmony and emotional contentment that then leads through a period of confusion and uncertainty as the Moon contemplates an open, revealed heart on the one hand (literally) while contemplating the mask in her other and what role it might play. This uncertainty and exploration into the dreamworld leads to the final card, the Hanged Man, who is turned to face the on-coming action but holds behind him (to the left, nearest the center of the spread) the glowing ember of possibility and, perhaps, renewal. This interpretation might suggest that a period of confusion will lead to a revolutionary change in perspective, turning the world upside-down and revealing new insights. In some ways, a central teacher or central problem interpretation sees very similar meaning in these three cards, with the Moon acting as a turning point in the process that can either block or give aid during a transition from the emotional contentment of the Nine of Cups to the wisdom-gifting self-surrender of the Hanged Man.

The Bridge Between

(g) Two of Swords - A card of blockage and impasse, the hooded figure stands in the center of the path, blocking the way with drawn swords crossed. A dark and immovable figure in the midst of the forest, his eyes are hidden by his hood so that he cannot see the offerings of the two swans by his side — the small, red heart of love and receptivity and the red-orange flower, possibly a poppy, symbol of sleep and death which open up the way for dreams of respite and renewal. He is frozen like ice, his back towards the right, the center of the three-card spread.

(h) Justice (XI) - A card of balance and harmony, a clear and even mind capable of weighing all things carefully and perceiving clearly and with piercing insight their true character and quality. A card concerned with truth, even when such truth is as subtle and light as the lightness of a feather or a butterfly's wing — in many ways, Justice is also a figure that turns inward to consider the inner tensions within the soul itself, seeking a balance that will help to ease these tensions and allow a return to center and equilibrium from which to take just and appropriate action in the world. The figure of Justice holds the light father-like sword of insight and discriminating mind close to her breast, turning her insight inwards, while holding out the balanced scales to influence and respond to the world around her. She faces forward, balanced and symmetrical in her stance.

(i) Eight of Wands - A card of energy and activity, beginnings and initiatives that move forward with the momentum of what has come before but that leave behind established projects to seek new ground in which to plant new seeds. The figure in the Eight of Wands sets loose her seeds drifting in the wind, carried to new fertile ground where they may germinate and take root, growing into new saplings and eventually great trees. But this process seems to happen largely without personal effort or involvement, carried along simply by the force and energy of the activities themselves and the wish that set them spinning out into the world on their gossamer filaments. The figure faces away from the center, towards the right, watching as her wishes are carried off by the wind.

Story: The flow of energy in these three cards very clearly fall into the pattern Place calls the "central origin" — a central card facing forward, with cards on each side facing away from the center in opposite directions. In this case, the center card of Justice may indicate a current pattern in the relationship and the two results that may arise from such a pattern. Clear insight and discernment, with a focus on finding a careful balance and weighing truth against truth, gives rise, on the one hand, to the Eight of Wands, a card of momentum and energy (especially one that will lead to new beginnings) that are largely impersonal in nature and somewhat "left up to" the forces and whims of nature. This might mean that the stillness and inward-turning nature of Justice is likely to give rise to activity of a dispassionate and impersonal nature, instead of a more personal involvement and engagement. In the other direction, another result that may arise from the pattern embodied in Justice is the Two of Swords, an impasse in which the swords of analytical thought are held at cross-purposes, barring the way and preventing a deeper receptivity to the gifts being offered. Given that the Two of Swords appears to the left, closer to Manannan's side, and the Eight of Wands appears to the right, closer to Brigid Star Fire, this suggests to me that too great a focus on discernment and balance may lead to an impersonal but potentially fruitful relationship with Brigid, but will only serve to block or prevent a deeper relationship with Manannan, whose fluidity and receptivity might be stymied by over-analysis.


Overall Interpretation: I find this reading difficult and rather ambiguous in its meaning, and I suspect one of the biggest reasons why is because I did not clarify enough in my own mind exactly what I was asking before beginning. Am I treating Manannan and Brigid as two distinct entities and asking for insight into how they relate to each other, as though they were two mutual friends of mine and I was looking for insight into their relationship? Or am I asking for insight into how each of these deities fits into my spiritual life in an integrated way that brings them into relationship? In other words: where am I, as querent, in this spread? I think the second version of the question is probably the closest to the one I was intending (though having a clearer question in mind may help in the future). If that is the case, then it seems likely that the three cards for each deity suggest how that deity is in relationship to me and how that relationship shifts or changes with the involvement of the other deity; while the "bridge" between the deities seems to be about my own attitudes in how to consciously connect them or bring them into relationship in my practice and approach. What's interesting is that, for each deity, the card closest to that deity and farthest from the center seems to reflect or echo the "core" of the other deity: the card closest to the heart of Manannan is The Star, a symbol that I have been connecting deeply with Brigid (Star Fire); the card closest to the heart of Brigid is the Nine of Cups, an intensely watery card depicting an underwater ocean scene. In both of these cards, water and fire, darkness and light share an intimate relationship with one another, suggesting that it is unwise, if not impossible, to try to separate them out into distinct entities without running the risk of diminishing one or both. As the relationships in each of the three cards moves towards the center, ambiguity and uncertainty seems to enter the picture (especially in regards to Brigid), but the card closest to the center in each three-card grouping holds that seed of light that is offered as a potential new beginning, new opportunity or new insight into the world. In this case, the "bridge" with a fulcrum as Justice, concerned with separating out and discerning between opposites, might represent my intellectual attempts to reconcile these changing relationships and clearly delineate each deity, though it seems such an attempt may be wrong-headed and unhelpful right from the start. This seems especially ironic considering that at the beginning of my reading, I spent a minute in meditation reaching out to the energies of water/sea below and fire/sky above, joining them together in the earth/tree of my body (as per the DOTR three realms working from Lesson 2) and asking for clarity of insight in my reading.

With that, I'm going to do a final three-card reading asking for advice to see if this interpretation may be even remotely on the right track.

Final Advice

(c) Ace of Cups - A gift and beginning, the first drop of water that unites with the ocean, merging with the source of all water and life, sending ripples out in all directions. This card is one of utter unity and wholeness, the emotional and intuitive core from which all else springs and ripples outward — mystical in its connection the the sacred grail or chalice, source of life. The first stirrings of gladness and joy, an initial surge of connection and attraction, as the tides are pulled by the moon, it is also a card of imagination and receptivity.

(b) Queen of Wands - A fiery queen of passion, initiative and energy, she stands at her harp, her living wands, drawing the delicate strains of music from its strings as the creatures of the forest still to listen, entranced by her energy and enthusiasm. As queen, she has the maturity and composure to balance her fiery energies with receptivity and love, and these weave through each other to lend beauty and depth to her activities. She is self-confident, playful and at ease with herself, whether she is the center of attention or retired into the background.

(a) King of Cups - A king of intuition, emotion and receptivity, he governs with endless patience and calm, deeply in touch with the emotional and spiritual needs of his subjects. He is a protector and provider, offering healing and cleansing from his sacred chalice. Balancing out the receptivity and fluidity of his natural element with his maturity and authority as king, bringing structure and order to his realm. Yet his authority arises not from imposition or control, but from being deeply attuned to the patterns and currents of intuition and emotion that flow through the world.

Story: The pattern in this final three-card reading is obviously, almost overwhelmingly linear, moving from right to left, from the Ace of Cups through the Queen of Wands to the King of Cups. All of the figures in these three cards face to the left (even in the Ace of Cups which might be expected to be forward-facing, the golden fish that arise from and swim around the chalice face to the left). In this story, then, it seems that the Ace of Cups represents a beginning, an initial gift of connection and intuition that then led to a relationship with the Queen of Wands, a queen of fire, energy, passion and creativity. This seems to clearly indicate a relationship with Brigid (Celtic fire goddess). Through this relationship with the Queen of Wands, there is then movement towards the King of Cups, a powerful king of the depths of intuition and emotion. Again, this seems to so obviously indicate Manannan, not only in imagery and symbolism, but in the suggestion of intense emotional engagement that I feel with him. The three cards, moving from right to left, actually move across my altar from my Brigid candle to my Manannan candle, again seeming to indicate a linear movement from one to the other. Yet, the fact that Brigid is represented by a Queen and Manannan by a King (each of which themselves have a balance of energies within them — fiery feminine, watery masculine) seems to be a strong suggestion that, even within this linear progress, Brigid and Manannan are paired as a couple and are intimately related to each other. Overall, the advice of this final reading seems to be to accept the unfolding progress of events at face value — a linear movement through/away from Brigid and towards Manannan — and to allow myself to explore this relationship with Manannan more deeply, but without worrying that to do so will somehow weaken my relationship to Brigid. As a fiery Queen of Wands used to being the center of attention and showing up in the center of the spread, it's unlikely she will be going anywhere any time soon.

Diary

Days of Note: Full White Waking Moon

Sun: entering into pieces (water/mutable), 7:10am - 5:59pm
Moon: full moon, virgo (earth/mutable)
Earth: a second unusually warm day in the middle of February, bright, warm sunlight, white fluffy clouds in a crystal blue sky, winds shifting the bare tree branches and playing with the wind chimes all up and down the block, the woods was restless with spring's first robins and last winter's dried, dead leaves stirring in miniature cyclones in the breeze; everything is mud and melting ice


The last few days were rough, with some discomfort and pain and general fatigue, but today has been lovely. We've opened up the windows all over the house to allow the rooms to air out with the breeze, and the place feels full of shifting life and wafting curtains again. A warm day like today does not feel very much like spring, exactly, as it's too early and it seems even the land knows tomorrow will be cold and near freezing again. The air is too dry and restless to be full spring air, though everywhere there is mud and muck and melting. Jeff and I had lunch outside in the backyard, watching the clouds pass in front of the sun one by one. He kept insisting it was a day from May, but May is more lush and green than this. Everything is still very dry and stiff, not awake like true spring but restless in its sleep. It will be waking soon.

The last few days of work have been interesting, as a new project had me hopping and worrying a bit about my "boss's boss" approving of what I was doing. Things seemed to have gone well, but to go from so little supervision to that kind of extra oversight makes me worry. I want to be thought of as a competent and hard worker — a tough task to accomplish when you work from home sometimes, I guess.

So my creativity of earlier in the week was on the wane, for a few reasons. Today was a "day off" (with only a few hours of work in the morning), as was yesterday which I spent mostly arguing with trolls online. I should know better, but it's hard to resist sometimes. This time at least I did not let it bother me so much... or, I shouldn't put it that way. "Letting" seems to have very little to do with it — but at least, the trolls remained laughable, and their insults ridiculous, enough for me to easily shrug them off. I spent some time yesterday afternoon working on some creative awen work with the Kowit poetry workbook.... but found none of the prompts for the exercise I was working on to be very helpful. Prompts like "remember a time when you were sad" or "remember a time when you felt humiliated" came up empty-handed — I could remember occasions that seemed a mix of frustrated and restlessness, but nothing much else came to mind. Jeff said I must have just been in a particular mood, and I know that sometimes I do get "blocked" or stuck in a particular emotional state when it becomes difficult for me to remember feeling any other way. That got us on to astrology again, and conversations about my moon being in my twelfth house, so that the source of my emotions were often a mystery to me but also, if I follow them willingly and trustingly, serve as my connection to Mystery and grace.

This, of course, led back to a conversation about how to work with my Saturn return, which is fast approaching. Yesterday, in my restlessness, I asked Jeff just to come up with a simple practice I could do regularly, since trying to be "creative" to come up with some practical exercises seemed too much to deal with at the time and I was coming up dry. He said he'd give it some thought, and in the meantime I will be contemplating it, too. I want to ask Brigid for her aid in this endeavor, but I'm feeling like a neglectful devotee — this past week, I completely got the day wrong for my Flamekeeping shift. Remembering that I would be Keeping during Valentine's Day, I had it in my brain that my shift began at sundown on Valentine's Day itself, but this turned out to be one sundown too late. When I realized the mistake (no thanks to my Google calendar, which has been acting wonky with my holy days sub-calendar for some reason recently), I kept my shift one day off.... but still feel as though I should have done more to make up for the lapse. If my first year of Flamekeeping was characterized by plenty of strange and happy coincidences, with my Keeping shifts falling on important dates almost every month it seemed, this year's Flamekeeping seems more like to be characterized by distraction, forgetfulness and a need on my part to be more careful and disciplined in my devotions.

After dinner yesterday, though, I did return to my computer to work on a poem inspired by the trollish bickering that I'd experienced online that day. Reimagining these accusations of being "idealistic" and naive and living in "white flower power land" (like I said — so absurd as to be laughable, almost endearing in their mischaracterizations of my view), the poem arose as a kind of affirmation that to be open to wonder is also a kind of power, and sometimes one more difficult and more risky than the power of brute force and violence. I shared the poem below, as well as on P+P (where a reader promptly tried to rebut with song lyrics — gods, I love a good old fashion bardic match!). So yesterday, after priming the pump for hours and coming up dry, it turned out I had a poem in me after all.

Today, after working several hours in the morning and lunching with Jeff outside in the sunlight, I decided to go into the woods for some meditation. During my walk, I scouted the next stone I would need to bless and consecrate for my DOTR work. I sang songs to the earth as I walked, which always helps to anchor me and center me in the work, reminding me that this is not just some casual stroll but a journey for a sacred purpose. I made my way to the stone outcropping where I usually sit, looking down over the ravine, and spent some time in meditation there, breathing and chanting the awen and grounding in the stirring bones of the earth. It's obvious that I need to return to regular meditative practice, as my mind wandered quite a bit during this time. But then, I am not a machine, not clockwork, and I do sometimes wonder if a wandering mind just isn't more natural during some times of the month. Chanting the awen, I felt centered and grounded, and when I fell back into silence, it seemed to me that my voice continued to be carried and echoed in the wind and among the trees in the woods surrounding me — just as it had that time in Ohiopyle, near the waterfall last May. I consecrated a small jar of water and, after a sip to honor the Spirit within, poured it out upon the rock as an offering to the local land. I then did the same with a jar of birdseed, as an offering to the spirits and beings of the land. Though my meditative work was perhaps not as fruitful as I might have liked, the rite itself seemed rooted and powerful enough. Anyway, we do not do these rites for ourselves alone or the way they make us feel — we do the work as real work, true action in the world, that shapes and changes the world. A gift is a gift because of intention, even if that intention is worn and frazzled at the edges because of moontides and stress. I hope the land can meet me half-way, as it has so often done before.


Diary Tarot Card:

(b) Song of the World
(d) Song of the Land ............ (c) Song of my Gods
(a) Song Within

(a) Song Within - The Ten of Pentacles is a card of fulfillment and enjoyment in life, rooted and steeped in the beauty of the material world but married to the spiritual meanings and movements, often found most poignantly in art and aesthetics. As Annie Dillard writes, an artist "jammed in the pool of materials," lives also in the mind, home of forms, and in the spirit. This is a card of auspiciousness, prosperity and generosity alike as they are connected and mutually supportive in the physical world of nature and its laws of exchange and engagement. Hard work and diligence comes to fruition in poise, comfort and simple pleasures enjoyed freely, without covetousness or hedonism. A willingness to work within the forms and limits of tradition and deep, ancient wisdom also expresses itself in this card — while this may sometimes bog us down in overly stiff structure, in this card the limits and boundaries of form, tradition and discipline serve a vital purpose in shaping and cultivating liveliness and joy.

(b) Song of the World - Temperance (XIV) brings together in balance, harmony and exchange the swirling, dancing, jousting energies of masculine and feminine, earth and sky, light and dark, phoenix and dragon, yin and yang. Life comes not from the strict purity of extremes, but from this dance of tension and difference, each tempering the other — the fire in the water. This card signifies a time of respite, rest and relief — albeit only a temporary one, perhaps — after a struggle, when we have a chance to refresh ourselves, catch our breath, and ready for the next step in the journey. There is poise and a sense of stillness and quiet in this card, despite the roaring, twining energies that surround the angel of temperance where she perches. Her mind is clear and open, the connections between thought and soul and manifestation in the material world laid bare and beautiful before her soft-gazing eyes.

(c) Song of my Gods - The Seven of Cups is a card of paradox, offering many choices — almost too many to count or consider — but only some of them may lead to deeper connection with both soul and spirit, and the Song of the World. Egotism and fantasy threaten to lead us off our path and we may make wrong choices if we stay too long with our "heads in the clouds," day dreaming of wealth or fame or other such rewards. But with our gaze firmly held to those ways of true value, following wise advice of those who have come before us, we can find the path to deeper, more authentic engagement and wholeness. The siren song of this card is not all deception, but we must be careful in our choices, and allow humility — grounding in the earth — to help us choose which path we take.

(d) Song of the Land - The Chariot (VII) wrestles with the chaotic, restless forces of conflicting desires and intentions, the conscious and the unconscious aspects of ourselves. To master these tensions and ride victorious requires strength of will and receptivity to changing circumstances alike. Psychologically, this card represents the healthy development of our ego selves, that sense of self that governs our actions and navigates a smooth, sure course through sometimes murky waters or conflicting interests. This is a card of composure and confidence amidst confusion and disorder, the first assertion of the ego as a reliable center for the individual self.


Further Interpretation - The cards drawn for the Song of the World (Temperance) and the Song of the Land (The Chariot), both major arcana, also both involve the balance of energies and the dancing, push-pull of conflict and tension between opposites. Appropriate for the time of year, and for the weather and energies of this day in particular, these cards seem to reflect the moods, energies and currents of the greater world — the coming of spring, the restlessness of the wind over the bare, muddy land, the play of water over soil and warm sunlight slicing through sometimes chilly air. Both cards incorporate a kind of paradox of both stillness and chaotic movement, poise and grace as well as mess and conflict.

The Ten of Pentacles in the position of Song Within seems to indicate my recent focus on a more disciplined approach to creative writing, and my willingness to "prime the pump" even on days when I am not feeling particularly creative or inspired. It may also indicate the process of revision and craft involved in pulling together a book manuscript, a project that I have also started recently and hope to finish over the next several months. Since this card came up earlier in a reading in a position that seemed to suggest this was my best approach to the writing life and the work of my soul, I am pleased to see it showing up again here — perhaps this means that I am orienting myself in a helpful and receptive way and utilizing my self-discipline as the necessary tool that it is to help me accomplish my goals.

The card that appears in the position of Song of my Gods (Seven of Cups) is the most confusing of this reading, which is not exactly surprising given the paradoxical nature of the number seven. In previous readings, this card has seemed to warn about making wrong choices, being distracted by temptations to popularity or influence instead of remaining anchored in the work of my writing. The two figures in the card face in different directions, though both to the left (in fact, all the figures in all four cards face to the left, with the exception of a few of the animals in Temperance and The Chariot) — the woman looks up, gesturing, towards the position of the Song of the World (Temperance) card, while the man gazes down at the map he holds, in the direction of the Song Within (Ten of Pentacles) card. In the artist's interpretation, it is the male who is "grounded" and sensible enough to accomplish the couple's goals, while the female is too much distracted by temptation and fantasy. That the woman gestures towards the external "world" position while the man gazes down with steady discipline towards the "internal" position is interesting. Yet at the same time, the card that the woman points to is Temperance, a card with encouraging meaning of its own. The angle of temperance herself seems to be turned inward, deep in contemplation of the forces around her. Meanwhile, the Ten of Pentacles holds not only the prosperous queen, but the old dragon steady, perhaps even stuck, in his ways. So an orientation towards both the external and internal worlds may be necessary — the greater world may hold not only temptations and distractions, but inspiring examples and helpful guides to the navigation of these tensions and vital energies, while the inner world may run the risk of becoming too entrenched in navel-gazing and self-reference and in this way become stuck. A map may be a helpful guide, as in self-discipline, but it must be supplemented. A floating castle may be mere fantasy, but if we see such dreams realized in the world through the lives of others, perhaps we do well to ask ourselves how this is possible, and learn from the questions we ask. It seems to message of this card, then, is both discernment and balance, seeking out what is helpful to guide my choices without discounting either one or the other out of hand. Seems like the kind of advice I often get from my gods, Brigid in particular.

Daily Diary

Sun: aquarius (air/fixed), 7:33am - 5:33pm
Moon: waning crescent, sagittarius (fire/mutable)
Earth: snow. for the past three days, steady snow layering in slush and ice (hovering in the low 30s), punctuated by moments of sunshine through the clouds

Thoughts: thinking some more about a plan for the next several years in terms of building a career; had a conversation with Jeff over lunch about increasing my skill set for the contractor work I'm doing, including taking an online course in transcription and possibly some tutorials in one or more computer scripts; also, thinking about the revamped website and what I would include, how I would organize it and what its purpose would be (to showcase my writing and my author "persona" while distancing myself from the "passive-ist" stigma that's cropped up due to my writing on P+P, also to expand my audience beyond "Pagans" to include broader interest in earth- and nature-spiritualities)

Actions: slow morning getting going again (after two days off to focus on wedding stuff and website/writing stuff), spent some time singing and crying over Egypt and political angst; brainstorming ideas for new website; late lunch with Jeff, then several hours of contractor work; took a half-hour break to take a walk through the woods in late afternoon; after dinner, sat down to revise the LotS Imbolc ritual to post to the forum

Connections: feeling really good about the work I did for LotS once again; it seems silly to worry so much about internet/FB stuff when the work I do with this group always feels so focused and satisfying (and free of the stigma that I am inherently unreasonable/extreme because I'm a pacifist); I do very much enjoy writing ritual and working through meditations with this group; also, it brings me closer to my goddess, for which I am incredibly grateful; also dealing with some of the old sorrow over politics after reading a depressing article this morning about the news of protests in Egypt and VP Biden's reaction to it (basically that freedom and democracy serve economic interests, not the other way around, and should only be granted if they don't threaten the regime stability of our allies); Ani's "Next Bold Move" got me through that one with only a few tears, but afterward, it felt good to allow sorrow to be sorrow, and not try to justify it or reason it away through bickering

Daily Tarot Card: The Ace of Cups signifies the gifts offered by the mysterious depths of emotion and intuition, and the reflective perceptions and perspective to be gained from engaging deeply and authentically in our nonrational selves, exploring our dreams and creative longings. It is a card of gladness and blessings, signifying emotional fulfillment and enjoyment not from any concrete gain but from feeling ourselves more in tune with the rhythms and currents of life.

What two gifts does the Ace of Cups offer to me now? To the left: The Tower (XVI) signifies a sudden and shaking confrontation with truth and reality in all its complexity and unpredictability. A sharp change in perspective that may bring dreams or plans crashing down, the gift of the Tower offered by the Ace of Cups might be a deeper exploration of the shadow self, the nonrational and irrational aspects that have been hushed up and shuffled aside for the sake of "more important" plans, and now reassert themselves with a vengeance, demanding attention and reconciliation. This is a card of consequences and deeper integration in the face of difficulty and sometimes tragedy. Perhaps as a gift of the Ace of Cups, the sorrow or grief of the Tower is itself a gift, a flowing-over of emotion into expression, helping to cleanse and find renewal.

To the right: the Six of Pentacles, a card of mutual support and generosity, spiraling through a cycle of self-sustaining life and giving. Success has led to prosperity that is now poured out for others in need, watering the thirsty ground so that others may drink and grow, and in turn offer their support and generosity to others. This card is one that indicates the wise and compassionate sharing of resources and gifts with others, not merely as a superior benefactor to the lowly and needy, but as one who is in the midst of cultivating those gifts with the support and encouragement of others around us. As a gift of the Ace of Cups, we experience the emotional and spiritual fulfillment in witnessing in a very visceral, manifest way the ways in which we are all connected in a cycle of generosity, prosperity and charity to others. Unlike the Tower, which may have consolidated resources to build higher and higher towards a particular purpose, the Six of Pentacles seems to celebrate the sharing and gift-giving as a distribution and diffusion of resources among all so that all may benefit. The cycle of giving and support may even be more important than the specifics of the gifts themselves in some ways. This, again, reflects the themes of gladness and connection in the Ace of Cups, as well as reflecting that aspect of dreams and ideals that can guide us even when they seem impractical. The Six of Pentacles shows us that such generosity is the height of practicality, when gifts are giving gladly and joyfully to others as an expression of our relationship and connection.

Daily Diary

Sun: capricorn (earth/cardinal), 7:42am - 5:16pm
Moon: first quarter, taurus (earth/fixed)
Earth: cold, down below freezing, gray with steady snow all day (for the past couple days), it looks quite picturesque, especially when the sun is low enough on the horizon during early morning or late afternoon to slip in under the clouds and give everything that slightly warm, shining silver glow to it

Thoughts: been a while since I updated the daily diary - to recap, I was very drained and headachey (possibly actually sick, though I'm still not sure) for a few days after the new year, and then Jeff and I packed up to go down to North Carolina for the OBX Wedding Expo (I can fill you in on those details later); today, very much wanted to get out of bed early along with Jeff but just couldn't bring myself to overcome to fatigue; instead, spent some time in a half-awake state brainstorming some ideas for a story I'm working on, made some helpful breakthroughs, I think; had a smaller anxiety attack about money this morning, as there's yet another medical bill coming our way and there's news that because Jeff's company is doing so well, they're now coming to the attention of some folks who might try to either sue them or buy them out (or both), which means our future's a bit uncertain (though at the same time, it's really good to hear the company's doing that well, and they are taking precautions against a lawsuit); oddly, later in the afternoon, I felt better and more energetic, motivated

Actions: slept in a bit too late this morning, then had the minor money freakout; wrote to my dad to ask advice about wedding stuff and home finances, and felt better afterwards; after lunch, worked a really good hunk of time doing some consultant work (first in more than a week - where does the time go?!); had a good dinner and enjoyed some episodes of Buffy and X-Files with Jeff; afterwards, while Jeff spent some time in meditation, I unpacked a few spare boxes of clothes and organized the closet space in the hallway and bedroom

Connections: feeling really good about how the house is coming along; as we get more organized, it's easier to find a place for everything, which drastically reduces the clutter (and thus, my stress level); I also feel gratified to get some work in and feel that I can contribute (now that we got the whole invoice thing sorted out, hopefully money will be coming in on a regular basis, instead of in infrequent but large lump sums)

Daily Tarot Card: The Ten of Pentacles is a card of fulfillment and enjoyment, especially of earthly pleasures and joys, as well as of material prosperity and financial stability. Yet there is also a spiritual dimension to this card, which expresses itself through the patterned work and form of art and aesthetics and the simple, genuine gratitude and generosity that comes from enjoying your place in the world and feeling connected with all those around you. Tradition, structure and form provide the latticework for the movement and exchange of spirit and its generosity; this is a card of culmination and great happiness that is borne of hard work and commitment, shared with all.

Daily Diary

Days of Note: New Year's Day

Sun: capricorn (earth/cardinal), 7:43am - 5:04pm
Moon: waning crescent, sagittarius (fire/mutable)
Earth: mild and rainy all day, the past two days are from the front moving up the coast last week that brought a blizzard to some of the southern states and all that wind on our drive back from DC

Thoughts: thinking about my article on US tax law and trying to find a way to add "personal interest" to it as per editor's suggested revisions; conversation about parents centered on the news this morning that Emily is, in fact, pregnant, and how this will affect the kids' finances and home life in the future (and Jeff and my frustration at their short-sightedness and selfishness); of course, we're confused as to how Emily could have blamed her outburst the other week on hormones due to birth control if she's more than a month pregnant - it doesn't add up; personally, I'm expecting some kind of exaggeration in one or several aspects of what they're telling us (since Emily can't keep news to herself to save her life, I'm pretty sure that she only just found out, and so I'm a little worried that she's not even sure she's pregnant and hasn't been to a doctor about it yet, and that it may be a false alarm or something similar - in which case, already telling the kids may have been a bad move); regardless, Jeff and I do plan to consult a lawyer in the spring to get a better grip on exactly how our marriage will change the financial situation with the kids, and to find out what recourse we have to the courts if Emily continues to shirk her financial responsibilities as joint custodian of the kids); talked a lot with my dad about grad school ideas and maybe eventually pursuing something at UFL; I find myself getting quite excited about the idea, though it's still at least a couple years away; talked with mom about our plans for next weekend's trip to NC for the wedding expo and getting all that set and ready

Actions: wrote a blog post about the new year for the wedding blog in the morning, got some contractor work done in the late morning and afternoon before dinner; spent time with the kids (opening their presents from my parents); long phone call with my parents after lunch to wish them a happy new year; conversation about kings in ancient history over dinner; got a response back about my article for W&P, the editor wants me to add some "personal interest" to the piece and I'm not sure how I'd go about doing that....

Connections: lots of talking and discussion today, and Big Life Topics on the brain about the future and what it may hold; in general, although a lot of it is stressful, I'm feeling less stressed frustrated about it now that I can admit to myself that the hardest part is not having very much control over how other people behave, and trying to trust more in the Universe to make sure the people we love do all right and manage to thrive despite the imperfections of those around them (including us); it's nice to have a job where I can escape from all this heavy thinking into relative monotony and still feel like I'm accomplishing something and earning a livelihood (it does make me wonder if the stress of not working was partly due to having too much time on my hands that I spent worrying about things beyond my control - oh, the irony!)

Daily Tarot Card: The Three of Pentacles is a card of teamwork and cooperation, as well as of manifestation of the spiritual in the concrete, material realm. Our work is underway, and we bring all our skills and talents and knowledge to the task at hand. We see the results of our craft and patience coming along nicely, blossoming in beauty that holds significance and staying power. Yet we also understand that our work is intricately tied up with the relationships we have and which sustain us; we rest on the shoulders of those who support us and our work, and we work together with others to accomplish our tasks. Because of this teamwork with others, we may need more patience, planning and compromise, but the work that results is worth the effort. (My note: I think this may be giving me advice about how to deal with this article, suggesting that I take the editor's advice and do my best to make the necessary revisions, seeing it not as a "dumbing down" of my work but a challenge to make it even more accessible to readers. Quite a challenge, and one that will require me to do more digging and interviewing and contacting others.... but hopefully it will be worth it.)

Daily Diary

Days of Note: Full Moon, Full Lunar Eclipse, Winter Solstice, Alban Arthuan

Sun: cusp of capricorn (earth/cardinal), 7:40am - 4:57pm, solstice, longest night
Moon: *full moon, cancer (water/cardinal), full lunar eclipse (early this morning)
Earth: cloudy this morning clearing to sunny and just below freezing

Thoughts: mostly thinking about how the kids were enjoying their solstice and what was next on the agenda; some thoughts on money, since we flubbed a bit on who was paying for what and so had to swing by the bank at one point, but feeling overall quite confident about the situation

Actions: alarm went off a 2am so that Jeff could check and see if we'd be able to see the lunar eclipse through the cloud cover, but unfortunately it was too cloudy to see anything, so we went back to bed and let the kids sleep through the night; woke the kids up around 7am to get dressed and ready to trek to the park to greet the rising sun, brought along our bird seed "ornaments" and garlands of popcorn, and hung them from the trees at the top of the hill while singing songs to the new sun; returned home to open presents - all of which were a big hit, but especially (Grandma) Lannie's big stuffed bears for everyone; after presents, we swung by the bank real quick for cash, then headed to Pamela's for a Solstice Brunch, which everyone thoroughly enjoyed; after that, we headed out to B&N for the kids to use their gift cards, along with the gift cards from Lannie last year that had been lost and then recovered, so the kids ended up being able to get tons of books and crafts that they picked out; we spent the rest of the afternoon reading and/or doing the crafts and games they'd got, or playing with their bears, or sketching with their new colored pencils and sketch pad (meanwhile, after a short nap with Jeff, I helped the kids do the next step in their ornament craft projects so they'll be ready tomorrow); early evening, we ordered pizza for a special Solstice Pizza Party (and made Josh's frozen pizza sans corn), then everyone changed into pajamas and we had our nightly reading of Lord of the Rings before finally going to bed

Connections: I'm exhausted, but I'm very glad the kids had such an excellent holiday; I really feel as though these past few days with the kids have given us a chance to "bond" (as corny as that sounds) and get to know each other better; I know we've had them for weeks at a time in the past, but often during those weeks I've had to work, whereas now I can work from home and squeeze in a few hours here and there, while still spending time with the kids during big chunks of the day (tomorrow will be a lots-of-work day for me, though, so I can get in some hours this week while still being able to take Christmas off with the family); I took lots of pictures, so eventually they'll make their way onto here

Daily Tarot Card: The Devil (XV) is a card of temptation and addiction, the pursuit of pleasures at the expense of others and the ensnarement of willing souls in the bondage of materialism and overindulgence. Yet at the same time, the instinct to self-presevation and self-protection that can lead us mistakenly into greed and defensiveness can at other times be an appropriate and necessary response that will help us survive during difficult times when otherwise our sense of self might be threatened or overwhelmed by external forces. The figure in the card hunches over and huddles cold and alone, harassed by the dancing devil above - yet the key to freedom is within reach.

(My note: I was ensure what this card had to do with anything, so I drew a clarification card, especially since I've skipped my daily tarot two nights in a row.)

The Five of Pentacles is a card of disconnection and difficulty, in some ways indicating a spiritual or possibly material poverty, and a insufficient attention to the signs and messages of both one's physical body and one's inner world of soul and heart. Indications of hope and help may go unheeded or unappreciated, though they exist all around. As in the card of The Devil, the figure in the Five of Cups sits hunched over and huddled into herself, willfully blind to the opportunities and beauties all around. Yet there is always a chance for renewal and reconnection, especially if we are willing to let go of unhealthy or unhelpful patterns, re-center ourselves and turn our attention and attending once again to the integrity of the inner and outer worlds.

(My note: I am not sure what these cards may indicate, except perhaps that I really pushed myself to the point of exhaustion today and set aside concerns of mental and physical health - like eating well - for the sake of "enjoying the holiday with the kids." I may have to meditate more on what these cards indicate, or discuss them with Jeff. Or perhaps just seek some rest and relaxation over the next few days and remember to turn my attention again to my goddess and my spiritual work.)

DOTR Lesson 2: Entering the Order as an Aspirant

Tonight during the Druid Order of the Three Realm Mother Grove's winter solstice ritual, I was officially welcomed into the Order as an aspirant working through the Nine Lessons with the intention of becoming a full Druid member after a year's time of study. Though the ritual took place down in Georgia where the Mother Grove is located, my mentor asked me to spend some time in silent Awen meditation between 7:30 and 8:00 pm, to connect with the ritual in my own way.

I also took this opportunity to complete the final section of Lesson Two, the "mini" three realms working. Reaching up to touch sky and down to touch earth, I brought them together through the flow of the sea to create a sacred space in which I infused my intention with energy and enchantment, naming my formal dedication to the work of the aspirant.

Before this, however, I spent some time acknowledging my gods, and in particular Brigid, by pouring some libations and reciting the Druid Prayer for Peace. After some time in meditation, I allowed myself to slip further into trance (though this was a little difficult because Jeff's voice drifted up from downstairs where he sat reading to the children before bed). Deeper in trance, I seemed to stand as part of a circle of shadowed, half-seen figures gathered around a central flame. It seemed to me these figures moved and turned with the gestures of solemn rite, and murmured prayers of awen and welcome. I could not see them well, but it seemed to me that this was the Druid Order of the Three Realms gathered together, some in body and some only in spirit, working together the rituals of the turning year. I asked that I may enter more fully into the Order as an aspirant member, and for a moment the figures seemed to come into sharper focus and full color, before the trance slipped too quickly away and I was spun back into ordinary consciousness. The experience was too fleeting to be sure of anything, but still, it had the feeling of a confirmation and welcoming to become a member of the group.

Following this brief meditation, as the end of the ritual was drawing near, I drew a divination reading using my tarot deck. Using a three-card spread, I asked three questions:

(a) What gift do I have to share with the Order?

(b)What gift does the Order offer to me?

(c) What sign will be my guide and help me along this path?

(a) Queen of Wands: A figure of poise and grace within skillful activity and commitment, the Queen of Wands brings dedication and enthusiasm to her work, as well as a self-confidence grounded in experience and sincerity. She can be an energizing presence for those around her as she follows her natural penchant for energetic involvement in the activities she finds engaging. This card suggests that it is my self-disciplined dedication and steady involvement in the Order that may be my most valuable gift, especially if it comes through the skills and talents that I am most passionate about and have worked hard to cultivate (for instance, my writing and poetry). My energy and enthusiasm for the work may engage others, stimulating them into renewed activity and engagement with the work as well.

(b) Four of Pentacles: This card is often interpreted as one of stagnation and immovability, especially when it comes to securing financial or material wealth. There is a suggestion with this card that things have become too stiff and unchanging, and that we may be clinging to "the way things are" in order to protect our material gains at the expense of openness, receptivity and generosity with others. The spirit of growth and exploration may be missing, as we lock down on our possessions and create a trap or cage of our own making with our covetous spirit. It is not exactly a card you might expect in a reading about gifts. This may mean two things. The first is that, perhaps, the Order itself is perhaps, even if only to a small extent, "locked in" to a particular way of doing things and has grown protective of this structure and approach to the detriment of new growth and experimentation. It may be that the gift the Order has to offer me is in the confrontation with this attitude, in which I may learn to navigate and negotiate with it to both my own benefit and the benefit of the Order itself. The second possibility is that this card is meant to present both stability and protectiveness, especially when it comes to community. The number four represents the stabilization and concretization of the active patterns of three into matter and form, and the pentacles especially is a card of earth, the material world and its manifestation. Thus, this card may indicate that what the Order offers me is a place of stability and structure that is protected by those who have cultivated it and feel deeply invested in it personally. It may offer a "concrete" real community that is close-knit and which gathers regularly to practice together in the physical world, something that is not necessarily true for the groups I've been involved with until now. I am not sure which of these interpretations will prove to be the correct one, or if there will be a mixture of the two that will provide both gift and challenge.

(c) Queen of Pentacles: Grounded in the strength and stability of the earth and the mighty oak tree, this Queen is one of creative energy and harmony that stretches out in all directions, connecting all creatures and beings of the world. Cheerful, though also often humble (from humus, "of the earth") and inwardly turned, she takes great pleasure and enjoyment in the beauties of the world, and shares these joys with others in ways that encourage involvement and growth. She provides a warm embrace for others that encourages them to be themselves, though in ways that express maturity and consideration for the greater world that we share with one another. This card seems to suggest to me that my "guiding sign" as I work through the Nine Lessons towards becoming a full member of DOTR will be a more open, mature, creative and joy-filled engagement with the physical world and the community I am now entering. Together with the Four of Pentacles, it suggests that perhaps this sign is meant to point the way, not necessarily indicate where I can expect to start out, and that there may be a journey ahead of me to move from the more possessiveness and stagnation of the Four of Pentacles, to the receptivity and creativity of the Queen of Pentacles. Because this card also appeared in my full moon ritual dedicated to Brigid of the Star Fire, and because the figure in this deck is depicted in a way that reminds me so much of Brigid, I also understand this card to mean that I should continue my devotions to Brigid and the Lady of the Stars group as an important part of my DOTR aspirant work.

Having completed my divination reading, I then performed the "mini" Three Realms Working found at the end of Lesson Two, setting my intention to commitment to this work and follow the path towards becoming a full member of the Order in a year.

Some time this week or next, hopefully, I will have time to go for a walk in the woods to gather a stone for the final rite of Lesson Two and then move on to Lesson Three. Because of solstice, Christmas, family obligations and travel, and I am not sure how easy this will be. However, I'm hoping that perhaps while I am in Lancaster, I might be able to gather a stone from the local landscape where I was born, to connect to the energies of my family and my ancestors.

Divination on Family Conflict

Brigid, I seek your guidance on this matter of great importance to Jeff and myself and the children we love so deeply.

I center myself in my love and my attending.
I ground myself in your guiding light.
I center myself in my strength and freedom.
I ground myself in your support and protection.
I center myself in my confidence and intelligence.
I ground myself in your deep wisdom and insight.

I drink of your waters,
I follow your star,
I nurture your flame
of peace in my heart.

What are the consequences of the three choices before us?

(a) To send the letter I have composed. (c) To send a simplified version of the letter. (b) To send no reply.

(a) The Hanged Man (XII): A card of willing self-sacrifice and surrender, as well as a card of emotional release. The Hanged Man relinquishes his control in order to gain wisdom and insight into the nature of being. He surrenders to the greater patterns that govern the world and accepts what is beyond his control, yet his surrender itself is an act of discipline and choice, arising from the only thing over which he does have control: his own actions and choices. This act of self-surrender brings about a shift in perspective, flipping the world on its head and revealing mysteries that once were hidden or incomprehensible.

(b) Two of Wands: A card of tension held poised on the brink of action, a card in which personal power and authority may lead to isolation, and concrete action may not lead to the happiness or success that is desired. This card seems to be one of constant vigilance and watchfulness, caught between the possibilities of success and failure and ever on the edge of action. This card may indicate a time to be bold, courageous and inventive, but also warns against allowing this power and influence to cloud right judgement.

(c) Death: A card of transformation, the rebirth inspired and ignited by the death of the old. It is a card of change, the death of the old to make way for the new being born - and such change may be frightening, or it may be a moment of joy. More likely, it will involve a dance of grief and sorrow with elation and praise. This card encourages us to give up those old patterns, behaviors and relationships that impede, hinder or restrict us, as well as to take off the masks that we usually hide behind in order to protect ourselves. When faced with the real presence of death, we are naked and vulnerable before the darkness and uncertainty of the future. Yet facing this uncertainty as an opportunity for growth and renewal, rather than clinging to a past that has become too small for us, is our best way through the difficulties and fears of this moment.

(d) What alternative option have we not yet considered?

(d) King of Pentacles: The King of Pentacles understands, deep in his very bones, the relationship between stability, prosperity and generosity. He is a figure of growth and physical well-being, balancing the yang aspects of power and action with the yin aspects of fecundity and self-giving. He holds within himself both the fruit and the seed, and nurtures these with practicality and rootedness in reality, while also retaining his kindness and humanity and his concern for others. He enjoys all that life and the earth have to offer, and seeks to share these joys with those around him. He is both reliable and wise, with many talents and aspirations, earning him good fortune and expressing themselves in the gifts he has to share.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:32am - 4:53pm
Moon: waxing crescent, aquarius (air/fixed)
Earth: cold all day, though slightly warmer than it has been, light fluffy snow falling

Thoughts: thinking about deity identity and the nature of group conflict and group coherence; thinking about good storytelling and the nature of good narrative; worried a little bit about Emily, considering we never did confront her about her threatening to keep Jeff from seeing the kids, and wondering if we're going to sit down and talk to the kids at some point this weekend about the wedding or not, or maybe put it off until next week

Actions: plugging away at work (received my first official paycheck today!); took some time in the middle of the day to go see "Voyage of the Dawn Treader" with Jeff; had a wonderful dinner and watches "Bones" and "The Office" tonight, both excellent episodes; posted to Wedding on the Edge; posted several times to the Lady of the Stars group and very much enjoying that group despite some of the tension over the past couple days

Connections: I hope work isn't making my brain duller, as I have to commit four to five hours four days a week to emptying the mind and just plugging away at the task; or perhaps this will be good for me, give my analytical mind a rest for a while and let things slip back into perspective; I have been more cheerful the past few days - looks like regular meditation and yoga is helping, especially switching the diary entries to the evening while still doing the meditation in the morning

Daily Tarot Card: The Knight of Pentacles has the patience and determination to commit to a particular goal and follow through, undaunted by distractions and temptations and served well by his cautious nature. He makes gradual but important progress; his motto could almost be "slow and steady wins the race." Undeterred by obstacles, his passion expresses itself in perseverance, unwavering devotion and loyalty and a work ethic that is unmatched in its diligence and concentration, though he may also sometimes seem to lack creativity or initiative. These more energetic traits are not what distinguish the Knight of Pentacles, but a willingness to plod along doing the hard and often unglamorous work that needs to be done in order to ensure success.

Meditations on Brigid: Goddess of Transformation

Brigid, Goddess of Transformation,
please reveal an aspect of yourself to me
that I might come to know you better.

Creation: The Hermit (IX): "His star-lantern marks the path..." The Hermit journeys in solitude and seeking, drawn by the guiding star of intimate connection with Spirit, urged on to deepen his personal relationship with the inner worlds of night and Mystery. The journey is one of loneliness and quiet, ever-new, the path that must be walked alone for each individual as they seek the lost melodies of their soul-song. Within solitude is found the spark of inspiration, the flickering flame of the lantern that leads onwards into the dark depths.

Destruction: Five of Wands: Things fall apart, the center cannot hold, and what began in playfulness soon becomes strife, the myriad obstacles and obstructions piling up until they seem overwhelming. We may feel that nothing is stable, nothing stays, all is chaos in a noisy current threatening to carry us away as we struggle against its pull. Our energy and passion run up against the difficulties of medium and matter, the limits of navigating conflicting currents, the challenge of mastering form through skill and intention. Yet still there is playfulness in this conflict, and an awareness that difficulty can transform us as well, that we are shaped by the challenges we face and the obstacles we overcome.

Transformation: Three of Pentacles: An expression of unity and resolution away from the tension and conflict of before, by engaging the physical world of material forms we learn to work with these forms in ways that deepen our involvement in the process of creativity and transformation. The work is only just beginning and already it has changed us. No longer alone, we work in concert with the pool of materials to shape and craft new forms, including new expressions and articulations of ourselves. Through such work, spirit is expressed in and through matter, and we are uplifted by our immersion in and engagement with the physical, natural world that at first seemed to us so full of chaos and conflict.

Goddess of Transformation, you are a Queen of Culture, that ever-changing flux of collective manifestation in the history of humankind. What begins in the solitude of soul-seeking finds its way back into the relationships of the ordinary world through our commitment to that creative spark of inspiration, your star-lantern guiding us on the path, and our willingness to be destroyed and remade through our embrace of the turning currents and churning chaos of your forge.

My praise and gratitude to you, Exalted Brigid, guardian of the solitary, challenger and uniter.

Awen.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:30am - 4:53pm
Moon: waxing crescent, capricorn (earth/cardinal)
Earth: bitter cold but sunny all day, windy, snow falling like crystalline glitter tossed and shimmering in rays of light

Thoughts: figuring out how to deal with the heat issue; wondering about the prevalence of cups in my tarot readings recently; contemplating Brigid as Creatrix, Goddess of creation and creativity

Actions: dealing with Marty showing up relatively unannounced this morning to take a look at the furnace in the basement; meditation this morning and attempt at active imagination, but couldn't concentrate; spent all afternoon working on DOTR lesson 2, honoring the ancestors, researching the history of Lancaster and Allegheny counties and trying to think of all of the "ancestors of the spirit" who have influenced my path; posted part two of final blog post series; emailed Mike and Alta about family tree information

Connections: a "day off" in a real honest-to-goodness sense of no work, no kids and no guilt feelings over writing obligations, it felt nice to just spend the day digging deep into the ancestry research (and even then I feel that I barely scratched the surface, especially when it comes to my blood ancestors, the people I'm descended from)

Daily Tarot Card: The Eight of Pentacles represents the worker engaged in the dance and weave of the work, the activity of creativity manifesting in physical form, and the willingness to engage in the work with all of your skill, intellect and effort in order to experiment and, through the process of work itself, to discover new things. This is a card of both motivation and inspiration, a card of work coming to an end while the exploration continues and generates new ideas and skills to be turned towards new projects in the future. And always, the work is on-going and the product, in some ways, ephemeral, glistening suspended like a web on which the dew collects in tiny, shimmering stars. While we often think of the material world being the realm of the concrete and lasting forms giving expression to numinous spiritual realities, the physical realm itself is characterized by flux, change, evolution and the cycles of growth, decay and rebirth. Work always leads to work, a passionate engagement in the process itself gives its own pleasures and rewards.

Meditations on Brigid: Lady of the Stars

Exalted Brigid, Lady of the Stars,
I seek to know you better.
Exalted Brigid, Lady of the Stars,
reveal to me an aspect of yourself.

Four of Cups: "I offer you a gift, yet you still refuse, sunk in your own revery, gazing at your own reflection."

What gifts do you offer that I am blindly refusing, Brigid, Lady of the Stars?

Knight of Pentacles: The gift of patience and steady commitment to hard work and unwavering devotion. The Knight rides the great steed of the earth itself, curling and arcing along its course with the ancient power of the deep dragon waking. He is not distracted by the temptations or distractions that abound, but sets his eyes on his goal and settles into the long, loving work of reaching it. He does not move, so much as grow, like a vine, ivy, symbol of perseverance. Though he may seem passive and still, he is unmoving only as the great stars are unmoving, turning above the earth so silently and gracefully that the eye cannot detect their movement. And yet still, they move.

The Moon (XVIII): The gift of hidden depths and unknown mysteries — the wellspring of the unconscious, the pale mirror-light of reflection, dreams and enchantment. The moon rises between the tangled limbs of forest trees, casting misleading shadows, and the symbols, images and dream-leadings of the unconscious arise to unsettle the conscious mind and disrupt carefully planned patterns. A mask itself, the moon reveals all masks and casts them off. This is the gift of the unexpected depths, the mysteries of darkness and night, the space between the stars that reveal themselves in strange fantasies and confusing patterns. Is it productive to wander by moonlight? Will the waking world accept the gifts of dreams, ideals and strange omens calling deeper? These are the wrong questions; the moon beckons us to dance, to indulge in an exploration of our own depths. With this exploration comes the gift of intuition, imagination, receptivity and grace.

The Star (XVII): The gift of hope, renewal and the gentle dance of inner and outer worlds together in harmony and balance. The star guides, and it is with joy, calm and trust that one follows that guiding, glittering light with movements that flow as naturally as the grace-blessed waters of the river and the milky way alike. Just as water flows, hope and inspiration work their own way out, and freedom that springs from within ripples outward to echo in the world all around us and in the lives of others. The star gazes on in tranquility, providing guidance and blessings simply through its nature. This is the gift of following one's own inner star as the path reveals itself before the earnest, trusting seeker's wandering feet. To follow with joy and trust is to open to generosity and gratitude.

My gratitude and praise to you, Brigid, Lady of the Stars, guiding light of my hope and exalted guardian of my trusting soul. May I serve you well, from the unknown depths to the gentle river of the stars unrolling, to the long, slow fecundity of earth that seems to sleep yet ever returns, renewed.

Awen.

Seeking Clarity on the Seven of Cups: A Three Card Spread

The choices before me are many: some will lead me astray down a path that is unhealthy and harmful, some will lead me on a path that will be fruitful and beneficial, and others will lead me back here again, to relearn the lessons I have not yet learned. I ask for clarity and insight into the nature of these choices, that I may choose wisely.

(1) What choice will lead me to a path that is unhealthy and harmful?
(2) What choice will lead me to a path that is fruitful and beneficial?
(3) What choice will lead me here again to relearn the lessons I have not yet learned?

(1) Page of Wands (3) Three of Pentacles (2) Ten of Pentacles


Page of Wands: A card of child-like innocence, enthusiasm and charm, often representing someone of exuberant activity and light-heartedness. The page is the less mature, more child-like expression of feminine qualities in the masculine suit of the energetic wands, and so it is a card of spark, initiative and change, of activities pursued with joy and innocence and no ulterior motives.

Yet here it appears in a position representing a harmful or unhealthy choice, and I admit that I see myself as having little in common with the Page of Wands, who calls attention to herself with charisma and enthusiasm and delights in her own outgoing personality at the center of activity. It may be that this card warns me against attempting to behave as a Page of Wands might simply because I perceive her energy and personality as of a kind more desirable to others, and so more likely to make my work popular. One cannot pretend to innocence or light-heartedness, and at times like these I must acknowledge that, though I am often full of joy and gratitude, it is not the joy of a light heart, but a heart broken open with grief and longing. Others may attract happy followers and supporters through their child-like innocence, but that is not truly a choice for me — it is likely that, instead, I would only appear immature and unskilled, fumbling and silly instead of lucky and skilled.


Ten of Pentacles: A card of culmination, completion and marriage, particularly the marriage between the material and the spiritual realm. This marriage — a union of art and aesthetics that expresses itself through material media in patterns of balanced and harmonious form — brings with it an acceptance and relaxation into one's natural place in the world, appreciating all the wealth and beauty of the physical realm and a prosperous, happy life. Hard work and diligence to patterns of tradition have brought about success and prosperity, and that prosperity circulates throughout the world as each passes on the gifts to the next, for this is the nature of wealth and prosperity in the natural world: flow, exchange and participation in the larger, immortal patterns of the universe.

This card appears in a position representing a choice that will lead to a fruitful and beneficial path, and it certainly seems to indicate this. There is a formality within this card, the number ten evoking not only the marriage of spirit and matter but that union expressed through the Tree of Life. There is structure and formality in this card — a distinct contrast to the more unpredictable nature of the Page of Wands — and I do find myself resisting and rebelling against this idea as potentially limiting and restrictive. Yet I also realize that I have often thrived best in circumstances that demand formality and structure, and that my work has often been to bring sincerity and depth to these structures and patterns, to bring life to them by imbuing them with my own passion and love. I am again reminded of the amber-less stars of my Flamekeeping meditation, and the instruction to fill these pieces with my own life-blood and energy. Tiny silver suns — star-like, like the pentacle symbol itself.


Three of Pentacles: This is a card of beginnings, a resolution of the tension and duality of two in the on-going process of manifestation, especially the expression of skill and intention in the physical world through craftsmanship or artistic skill. It is also a card of teamwork and joint endeavors, the two working together to create a third as an expression of their union and blending of skills. In my deck, this card depicts a couple in a process of creation: an elfin female lifted upon the shoulders of a male, sliding her fingers along rock which gives way as softly as clay, to carve the stars and interweaving arcs of the pentacles. Again there is the hint of the spiritual expressed through the material form, the stained-glass beauty of the stars suspended within the solid rock.

This card appears in a position indicating a choice-that-is-not-a-choice, a path that will more than likely lead again to this place of indecision and uncertainty amidst an array of too many possibilities. In some ways, I can see how the message depicted in this card has led me here to begin with — my relationship with Jeff lending me support and encouragement that for a long time I had done without, inspiring me to pursue work that might not have seemed possible a few years ago. As a result, I have accomplished a great deal, and yet the work seems only to have begun and I know that there is much more to come. And so, it may be that this sense of partnership is meant to mature into a more independent form of self-expression on my part, not so dependent upon the support and direct involvement of Jeff. Perhaps I have become too eager to take his advice and rely on his guidance and suggestions about how to pursue my work; these may be good suggestions for him, but they may not work for me, and the time may have arrived when it is necessary for me to discover my own methods for doing my work. The role of my partnership with Jeff is, perhaps, ready to mature from one of direct support and involvement in my work, to one of cultivating and providing a stable, comfortable home within which I feel empowered to take the risks that I feel called to take.