Daily Diary

Days of Note: Flamekeeping shift starts at sundown

Sun: aquarius (air/fixed), 7:36am - 5:28pm
Moon: waning gibbous, libra (air/cardinal)
Earth: a smidgeon warmer than the past few days, warm enough to snow, in sparse, slow flakes all day that didn't stick much to the ground

Thoughts: mainly frustrated and preoccupied by the hostility of the blog comments I've been trying to deal with, and trying to figure out a way to respond without being dragged down by the meanness and smallness of the responses (but not wanting to leave such comments go unanswered entirely, since I think the rudeness does warrant a reply); also thinking about how interesting it is that even people decidedly on the conservative side of the political spectrum and parroting Right Wing talking points, will mimic a liberal rhetoric of tolerance, open-mindedness and even relativism in order to defend their right to express unpopular or hostile opinions... it's like even conservatives recognize that arguments in support of acceptance are signs of strength and maturity in discourse, and will use them to secure the "higher ground" in debate even while completely betraying them in actual practice; I'm not sure if this is reason to be hopeful, or simply frustrated... but it does suggest to me that the ideas of acceptance and open-mindedness really are understood (intuitively or subconsciously, anyway) as positions of strength rather than weakness, at least in American society, even in the midst of violent and hateful rhetoric; someone should do a study on that, if they haven't already; otherwise, my mind mainly preoccupied with why I feel so fatigued and worn out, and thinking of ways to turn back to simple daily devotional or ritual practices to help ground me and restore my energy and sense of balance

Actions: woke up exhausted after another night of snoring and painful restless legs; spent the morning responding to blog comments (what a frustrating waste of time), then took some time to pray to Brigid with my prayer beads and try to get myself together; after lunch, ran out to Joanne's to get the flameless candle in a decorative vase I've been wanting to use for my flamekeeping shift, in celebration of my one year anniversary and Imbolc coming up; spent some time at Panera getting contractor work done (and replying to more blog comments, briefly), then came home, began my flamekeeping shift with some ritual and prayer while Jeff made dinner; after dinner, Jeff and I took a walk in the snowy woods; then spent another couple hours doing contractor work

Connections: trying to accept my own anxiety and frustration as a healthy or at least natural quality of myself, instead of as a failure on my part to be better or more detached or less bothered by these blog trolls; that I can be so upset and bothered not only by their comments but by how I've tried to handle the response just goes to show that I do engage in self-reflection and can recognize when I'm stepping over a line or getting away from my own center - and if I can recognize that, then I can strive to do it less often, and to return to my center when I realize I'm doing it; so, trying to be gentle and forgiving with myself, while also doing better at not rising to the bait; prayer and a walk in the woods helped so amazingly, it's hard to believe... for which I'm grateful

Daily Tarot Card: Hmm. So, tonight I drew The Devil (XV), a card of temptation and addiction, hopelessness and frustration, and the choices that we make that keep us locked up and subservient to our less noble or empowering impulses. (Yet, as noted before in my daily drawings, the Devil is also a card of instinct towards self-preservation, which can sometimes be necessary even when it is selfish or ruthless.) It seemed pretty clear that this card reflected my frustrations throughout the day, being dragged down, tied up and even manipulated by the "trolls" on the P+P blog and also my need to engage with them keeping me distracted and anxious. To seek clarification, then, I cut the deck a second time to draw two cards, which I placed to the left and right of the Devil in the center: one to represent "the lock," and one to represent "the key," which play such prominent roles in the symbolism of the Devil card.

For the lock, on the left, I drew The Hierophant (V), a priest of ritual and tradition, whose wisdom is rooted deeply and firmly in the ancient earth. Teaching transformation and growth through discipline and adherence to the old ways, this priest symbolizes the epitome of stillness and rootedness in the past, not as one who fears change, but as an expression of the spiritual or religious urge throughout history. This is the overt individual or social expression of the religious urge at its most basic, where worship gives rise to custom, and custom inculcates and cultivates belief and perspective.

For the key, on the right, I drew Death (XIII), card of transformation, rebirth and renewal, drastic changes arising from the relationship between destruction and creation, sorrow and joy, in the dance of fire and song as portrayed in the symbol of the phoenix. This card is the ultimate in change and flux, the utterly new being born from the ashes of the old, discarding all that is unhealthy or detrimental, burning away everything that isn't necessary to find the core of our soul to be transformed and renewed. Embracing the process of death or change willingly, with innocence, can lead to transformation and new life in joy (though not without difficulty and struggle), while those entrenched in old ways resist and cling to a past no longer relevant or beneficial.

The lock and the key. At first, I imagined the lock as that which keeps me bound - yet the Hierophant has been, for me, a decidedly good and helpful card, one encouraging devotion to ritual as a manifestation in the physical world of my spiritual life, and a reminder of my ties to the ancestors and their wisdom, and the deep, ancient wisdom of the Earth and her natural laws that cannot be ignored or discarded. In this way, the lock is a participant in the process of seeking freedom: without a lock, a chain is just a chain, a bondage unbreakable no matter how hard you might struggle. But bound by a lock, a chain becomes something that can be loosened and removed, unbound with the right key. Instead of needing a file or awe to break the chains, only a harmless, little key is needed to find freedom. So it seems this reading, of all major arcana cards, indicates that ritual and tradition are the lock into which the key of death and transformation fit, and through the bringing together of these two urges (which, in some ways, seem distinctly opposite), I can find the freedom from the bonds that seem to pull me apart, the bonds of addiction and frustration in The Devil. Ancient wisdom and new life, together. The lock: a thing of structure and tradition and custom, perhaps indicating a willingness to engage in a community of tradition passed down by the ancestors and elders; and the key: a turning, a change, a movement within that structure that releases the bonds that bind and opens the way to free. A key is what the lock is for, and the lock gives the key its meaning and function.

Fascinating! Unexpected for just another daily reading. Hmm.

Daily Diary

Days of Note: Full Moon, Full Lunar Eclipse, Winter Solstice, Alban Arthuan

Sun: cusp of capricorn (earth/cardinal), 7:40am - 4:57pm, solstice, longest night
Moon: *full moon, cancer (water/cardinal), full lunar eclipse (early this morning)
Earth: cloudy this morning clearing to sunny and just below freezing

Thoughts: mostly thinking about how the kids were enjoying their solstice and what was next on the agenda; some thoughts on money, since we flubbed a bit on who was paying for what and so had to swing by the bank at one point, but feeling overall quite confident about the situation

Actions: alarm went off a 2am so that Jeff could check and see if we'd be able to see the lunar eclipse through the cloud cover, but unfortunately it was too cloudy to see anything, so we went back to bed and let the kids sleep through the night; woke the kids up around 7am to get dressed and ready to trek to the park to greet the rising sun, brought along our bird seed "ornaments" and garlands of popcorn, and hung them from the trees at the top of the hill while singing songs to the new sun; returned home to open presents - all of which were a big hit, but especially (Grandma) Lannie's big stuffed bears for everyone; after presents, we swung by the bank real quick for cash, then headed to Pamela's for a Solstice Brunch, which everyone thoroughly enjoyed; after that, we headed out to B&N for the kids to use their gift cards, along with the gift cards from Lannie last year that had been lost and then recovered, so the kids ended up being able to get tons of books and crafts that they picked out; we spent the rest of the afternoon reading and/or doing the crafts and games they'd got, or playing with their bears, or sketching with their new colored pencils and sketch pad (meanwhile, after a short nap with Jeff, I helped the kids do the next step in their ornament craft projects so they'll be ready tomorrow); early evening, we ordered pizza for a special Solstice Pizza Party (and made Josh's frozen pizza sans corn), then everyone changed into pajamas and we had our nightly reading of Lord of the Rings before finally going to bed

Connections: I'm exhausted, but I'm very glad the kids had such an excellent holiday; I really feel as though these past few days with the kids have given us a chance to "bond" (as corny as that sounds) and get to know each other better; I know we've had them for weeks at a time in the past, but often during those weeks I've had to work, whereas now I can work from home and squeeze in a few hours here and there, while still spending time with the kids during big chunks of the day (tomorrow will be a lots-of-work day for me, though, so I can get in some hours this week while still being able to take Christmas off with the family); I took lots of pictures, so eventually they'll make their way onto here

Daily Tarot Card: The Devil (XV) is a card of temptation and addiction, the pursuit of pleasures at the expense of others and the ensnarement of willing souls in the bondage of materialism and overindulgence. Yet at the same time, the instinct to self-presevation and self-protection that can lead us mistakenly into greed and defensiveness can at other times be an appropriate and necessary response that will help us survive during difficult times when otherwise our sense of self might be threatened or overwhelmed by external forces. The figure in the card hunches over and huddles cold and alone, harassed by the dancing devil above - yet the key to freedom is within reach.

(My note: I was ensure what this card had to do with anything, so I drew a clarification card, especially since I've skipped my daily tarot two nights in a row.)

The Five of Pentacles is a card of disconnection and difficulty, in some ways indicating a spiritual or possibly material poverty, and a insufficient attention to the signs and messages of both one's physical body and one's inner world of soul and heart. Indications of hope and help may go unheeded or unappreciated, though they exist all around. As in the card of The Devil, the figure in the Five of Cups sits hunched over and huddled into herself, willfully blind to the opportunities and beauties all around. Yet there is always a chance for renewal and reconnection, especially if we are willing to let go of unhealthy or unhelpful patterns, re-center ourselves and turn our attention and attending once again to the integrity of the inner and outer worlds.

(My note: I am not sure what these cards may indicate, except perhaps that I really pushed myself to the point of exhaustion today and set aside concerns of mental and physical health - like eating well - for the sake of "enjoying the holiday with the kids." I may have to meditate more on what these cards indicate, or discuss them with Jeff. Or perhaps just seek some rest and relaxation over the next few days and remember to turn my attention again to my goddess and my spiritual work.)

Daily Diary

Sun: scorpio (water/fixed), 7:04 am - 5:04 pm
Moon: first quarter, waxing, aquarius (air/fixed)
Earth: warm, beautiful day, though not as warm or clear as yesterday

Thoughts: worried about the kids being sick and spreading germs, trying to combat that with tea and cough drops and lots of fluids and rest; poetry as a political act; objectivity and authority in journalism; bias and fear-mongering, alternative politics; general exhaustion and frustration with "politics as usual" and a longing to turn inward towards poetry, art and creative exploration again — but feeling the tension between this and obligations to P+P and the PNC; on than this, though, a sense of peace and well-being, gratitude for how things are in my life right now, feeling settled and stable and enthusiastic about the future, ready to handle what complications might arise; very into Brigid at the moment and really excited about the ritual coming up for the full moon; also, wanting to move more quickly through the DOTR lessons than I have been, though also don't want to rush things

Actions: spent this morning "at work" working on various writing, going back through old half-completed essays, etc.; wrote the post about poetry and peace for P+P, and I'm feeling pretty satisfied with how that turned out; swung by the grocery store on the way home to pick up supplies (like cough drops, etc.); not much planned for this evening other than dinner; perhaps I may spend some time reading Miranda Green's book on Celtic goddesses, in particular her chapter devoted entirely to Brigid

Connections: mundane life with the kids seems, in some ways, rather boring, especially when they're fighting colds and generally moping around; I'm sure this isn't something adults are supposed to say, but the "wow amazing insightful things" kids sometimes say is vastly outweighed by the many, many inane or unintelligent things they say and do; don't get me wrong, I love the kids and they're awesome — but they're still just kids, and I find myself feeling sometimes like I'm just "killing time" with them, indulging them as they explore and learn (which is excellent), or play the same dull board games over and over (which is... not so excellent); perhaps I should find a better way to stay engaged, perhaps this is a character flaw.... or maybe I'm being too hard on myself considering they're not my kids and I don't have hardly any control over how they're encouraged (or not) to develop creatively and intellectually when they're at their mom's

Daily Tarot Card: The Devil (XV) is a card of entrapment and addiction, as well as base instincts of self-preservation and ego-promotion. Despair and frustration can close in, dominating our experience and blinding us to opportunities for freedom and alternatives to sorrow or capitulation. At the same time, the instincts of self-preservation that can lead someone to be selfish and inconsiderate of others can sometimes be the very things that save and protect us during extremely difficult times. The Devil challenges us to confront our shadow selves, to face the less attractive aspects of who we are and honestly evaluate our drives and desires.

(My note: I'm unsure what this card might be suggesting, which is unusual for this deck. On the one hand, it may be suggesting — when it comes to the kids — either that I am being too selfish and need to look around at the positive aspects of loving relationship with them, or that my instincts of "self-preservation" are serving me adequately (if not ideally) during a time of difficult transition and integration and my ambivalence about being step-mom to four children is understandable, as long as I am willing to confront that ambivalence honestly and respond with love and compassion both for myself and for others. On the other hand, perhaps this is a card about my "career" obligations at this point as a writer, and the frustration and fatigue I am feeling when it comes to my political writing. In this deck, the devil is portrayed as a weaver of webs, ensnaring the heart and taunting the soul with a limiting and mocking view of the world — one that could very well characterize some of the "trolls" I find myself sometimes dealing with online. Perhaps this card is a reminder about those things which I have always appreciated as the "key" to my freedom and spiritual growth: poetry, art, music and gratitude. It's strange, though, the draw this card on a day when, despite these minor frustrations, I am feeling very good in general. Nothing in my life seems so dire as to warrant The Devil, but perhaps I should keep an eye on things nonetheless.)