Saturn Return: Weekly Meditation

Saturn is a planet of limitations and boundaries, placed at the threshold between the inner planets that reflect the energies and influences of everyday reality and the outer planets that reflect the energies and influences of cosmic cycles and forces. Saturn is a planet of authority, the sphere that circumscribes our life and sometimes leave us feeling trapped or hedged in by our limitations - but it is also a planet that helps us discover and understand our limits and, in so doing, become our own truest authority, the author of our own lives.

In my natal chart, Saturn is in Libra, a sign of balance and relationship. When we try to go to extremes in one direction or another, we run up against the flaws and limitations of those extremes, sometimes finding ourselves even worse off than before. But in bringing extremes into balance and harmonious relationship with each other - even if they seem to be opposites - we can find a new resonance that opens us up to whole new possibilities. The lesson of Saturn is not transcendence, but integration, and this is what it is exalted in the sign of Libra, where integrity can take the form of balance and a "middle way" between extremes.

What extremes do I recognize in my life right now?

• Productivity and Passivity - In my career, I feel challenged to "accomplish" something and make something of myself, to do something extraordinary with my life that will change the world. Emphasizing productivity in this way, I often end up focusing on the negative - what's wrong with the world that needs changing, and everything I should be doing to "fix" things. (Or, simpler than that, just neat ideas that "someone ought to do" that I then feel like I should pursue just for the sake of it being done.) But this focus leaves me feeling overwhelmed and even helpless. I get tired out quickly just thinking about everything I want to do or think I should do (or even just wondering what I possibly might do), and so much of the time I swing back towards the opposite extreme of passivity, procrastination and lethargy. I waste time on frivolous things for entertainment and distraction. Because I imagine that any work great enough to change the world must be complicated and difficult, I avoid doing things that seem too simple or clear-cut. (It's difficult for me to even do this exercise, because part of me thinks that it's all very obvious and so must be a waste of time.) But again, avoiding simple tasks gives me an excuse to procrastinate on the bigger tasks, abstracting them into monumental deeds that I never feel up to tackling - and the result of inactivity and complete lack of productivity.
• Socializing and Isolation - In my personal life, I spend a huge amount of time alone, even more than when I was living by myself but still working a waitressing job four days a week. Most of the day I sit at home on the computer while Jeff works downstairs, and we only have a chance to socialize once a week (sometimes less). On the other hand, this alone time isn't the kind of solitude that really nourishes me - it only leaves me feeling isolated and constrained, cut off from everyone else. Sitting at home all day (in a house that never quite felt "homey"), I don't connect to the space in relationship; I also rarely go out on my own to go hillwalking or just walking the neighborhood like I used to. Because Jeff is in the house all day, I look to him for a sense of connection and company instead of trying to cultivate it for myself (but of course, he's working and so can't really provide it). I also turn to the online community to find connection - but again, this is a shallow and false kind of connection that focuses a lot on negativity (people complaining about everything that's wrong) when it's not overtly competitive (the popularity contest of the internet world). So even when I spend most of my time alone, I end up feeling worn out by the "noise" that prevents me from finding real solitude.
• Bingeing and Neglect - Another place where there's been a new "extreme" cropping up is in my relationship with food. I'm not sure exactly what the causes of this might be (other than stress and bad habits), but these days I feel like I'm often fighting off cravings for unhealthy/junk foods but rarely experiencing actual hunger for healthy foods around mealtimes. I'll sleep in too late and more often than not will skip breakfast completely; then later, crave sweets or fatty foods as snacks in between meals or afterwards for dessert. Eating too late (or for the sake of something to do or as a reward from stressful "productivity") means staying up rather later than is good and not feeling very hungry in the morning. And so the cycle begins again. One cause of this might be to self-medicate stress from the pressure I put on myself. Another might be my feeling of disconnection and isolation that leads to frustration, leaving me swinging between neglecting to eat altogether and then stuffing my face to get that calorie rush.

How can I transform these into relationships of balance, in which I recognize my limitations and work in harmony with them instead of fighting against them?

• Creativity and Receptivity - I wrote about this a little bit before: changing the way I think about my work by focusing on creativity rather than productivity. The cards I pulled tonight showed the Ten of Wands and the Eight of Wands. In one, the woman bends over, burdened with the huge weight of a full-grown tree that supports an entire village. In the other, a woman (perhaps the same woman) stands upright and eager on an outcropping of rock, blowing dandelion seeds away from her open palm to be caught in the wind. I think these cards illustrate an important difference between creativity and productivity. Creativity might be represented by the seeds - light as air and holding great potential within them, creativity lets those seeds loose to be carried by the currents of the wind and take root where they may. The person letting the seeds loose doesn't necessarily have any control over or responsibility for where those seeds finally land; she is involved in something much bigger than herself. The woman in the Ten of Wands is involved in something much bigger than herself, too, but in her case she's taken the world upon herself and has made herself essential to it, for better or worse. She has a lot of control, but that control has become a heavy burden for her - she's taken on too much, too concerned for the end product, the full grown tree, rather than the seeds. Moving to a healthier, more harmonious relationship in this case might mean I need to focus on creativity as a way of planting seeds (process, not product), while also being receptive to what the winds will bring and the relationship I have with a larger world that's beyond my control.
• Company and Solitude - I think it would be helpful to reframe this issue as one about company and solitude, rather than "socializing" and isolation. These are no longer mutually exclusive - in true solitude, I have the freedom and space I need to be my own true self and, in that way, connect to the world around me in all its being and particulars. In company, I carry that solitude with me so that I am not overwhelmed or swept up by other people's feelings or opinions, and connecting with society becomes less noisy and frustrating. Accomplishing this might not be easy, as a lot of it depends on bad habits. Maybe some ideas to help: When seeking solitude, I can ask myself if I have a sense of freedom and spaciousness, or if something is constraining me or my actions. I can challenge myself to do things that will nourish me or engage me physically or emotionally even if no one else is around (including Jeff). I can spend some time contemplating the kind of company I would like to keep if I could hang out with anyone in the world, and spend time imagining how I might seek out that company or be that kind of company for others. I can make more attempts to go out and meet other people (no excuses! stop saying, "well, but we have such busy schedules, and we're going to be moving soon anyway so what's the point?"!!). And I can definitely spend less time on "social networking" sites online (already doing this and it's already helping).
• Sacramental Eating and Fasting - This one I'm the least sure about, but I know that I really appreciated the insights in John's latest NUP piece on sacramental eating. One step I can take is to restore mealtimes to sacred rituals - in particular, breakfast (as a time to nourish myself and begin my day), and dinner. Trying to avoid being on the computer or watching television during mealtimes would be helpful. Paying better attention to what I'm eating and making sure there are healthy snacks in the house so that I'm not falling back on junk when I get mid-day cravings. Perhaps every once in a while, spending some time on a deliberate, mindful fast might also help restore my relationship with food. I think in general, I need to give up this notion that Jeff and I can share a diet plan - that kind of controlling attitude towards food sends me back into the cycle of "productivity" and passivity where trying to exercise control becomes too much of a burden and so I start to make excuses to slip up. Instead, treating mealtimes as special family rituals might go some ways in restoring balance without turning eating into one more project that I can potentially fail at. This is perhaps what the final card in my reading, the Ace of Cups, might indicate: going back to the very beginning, where nourishment and replenishment is a gift and a source of life and connection.

These are all my thoughts for now. Hopefully I can work on some of these during the week. Ideally, I'd like to be able to do a simple ritual to represent some of these intentions and help me integrate them into my life. The next full moon is on Thursday, November 10, so it would be nice to have a simple ritual to do by then - I can spend the next two weeks thinking a bit about what I'd like to do.

Reflections on My Uncensored To-Do List

There's an awful lot of taking in compared to putting out on this list. For instance, probably half of the list is made up of various books that I want to read or practices (spiritual or otherwise) that involve listening or receptivity of some kind in order to connect and gain information.

My first reaction is to get down on myself for being too much of a "consumer" instead of a "producer." I should be doing more creative things, I should be producing more writing, more art and/or photography. I should be providing more services to people that they actually want or need. So says the critical voice in my head.

Is that true? When I try to think about it in terms of receptivity versus activity, I can be a little kinder to myself and not tune in as much to the demands of a society that can be very gimme-gimme demanding. Perhaps I am just in a "receptive" phase right now, where learning and listening are key elements and perfectly okay.

I know I'd probably be frustrated if I tried to give up writing altogether, and I definitely have the urge to do creative work (hence the interest in photography that has always lingered). In fact, sometimes my desire to create frustrates my desire to listen and open up to receptivity, so that neither happens and I end up in a stalemate. My fear perhaps is that I can't create until I'm "ready" because otherwise the product of that creativity will be limited, not as well informed as it could be, missing out on something. My best creative work has always come out of my own process of trying to understand, trying to process and integrate what I'm listening to. By thinking of production and consumption as too much at odds, maybe I'm cutting myself off from my source of creativity.

For now anyway, maybe I need to give myself permission to be in a more receptive mode or mood, and to allow whatever writing or creative work I do to grow out of that naturally in whatever way it will. Many of my writing goals are vague and ill-defined - while many of my "receptive" goals are very specific. Maybe I should take this as an indication of where my focus lies at the moment?

Meanwhile, simple rituals of meditation and offerings, as well as regular journaling of some kind, can keep the threshold between receptivity and creative activity open. If I'm not sure what to offer or create, maybe I can start with offering the simplest things.

The purpose of making the uncensored list of things I want to do was to get an idea about what kinds of things might fall into each of the four categories according to the four elements. I'll come back to this list and work at organizing it into four categories (or five, one of the major arcana) in a bit.

An Uncensored List of Things I Want to Do

Astrology

- weekly meditations and journaling on Saturdays for Saturn Return
- finish Sullivan's text on Saturn, read Greene's text on Saturn
- read Arroyo's text on astrology and the four elements
- complete natal charts for as many friends and family as possible
- every 6 weeks (on solar & fire festivals), look at up-coming and just-passed transits
- read the other astrology books I picked up while on honeymoon

Archetypes

- read King Warrior Magician Lover
- read Jung's relevant writings on archetypes
- work with tarot deck more frequently
- review Plotkin's work on soul development
- finally read Campbell's Hero with a Thousand Faces
- read book on story and human evolution (forget author)
- read Markale's text on Arthurian myths
- look at a theory of soul development that spans Plotkin, Campbell, astrology, tarot?

Spiritual Practice

- continue Flamekeeping shifts
- finish four remaining DOTR lessons for each of the elements
- regular meditation (with candle ritual?) in the morning
- regular libations/offerings in the morning
- regular water/integration ritual in the evenings
- hillwalking at least three times a week
- yoga on non-hillwalking days
- Peace of the Three Realms prayer meditation at least a few times a week
- journeying with Badger once a week (on Wednesdays?)
- weekly tarot card reading (on Mondays?)
- ogham work (maybe? divided up by elements?)
- practice guitar regularly
- practice drumming regularly
- new and full moon rituals each month

Deep Ecology

- hillwalking at least three times a week (see under Spiritual Practice)
- journeying with Badger (see under Spiritual Practice)
- read book on ecology in Celtic spirituality/mythology
- read Integral Ecology
- read Lovelock's text on the Gaia hypothesis
- read book on environmentalism and aesthetics
- read book on "sound ecology" (revisit text on noise and social justice)
- read Oxford Handbook of Religion and Ecology
- look into the Alliance of Religions and Conservation
- become member of the International Society for the Study of Religion, Nature, and Culture
- after the move, look into resources on local ecosystems/bioregion
- after move, spend hillwalking time each week connecting with new landscape

Writing

- finish 30 Days of Druidry meme for blog
- write more poetry (poetry exercises from Palm of Your Hand?)
- write twice monthly for NUP
- continue to work with guest post submissions for NUP
- follow-up on Wild Earth editorial position w/DD
- brainstorm article ideas for submission elsewhere
- work on finishing three short stories
- complete book manuscript for Graeme by early spring
- revise book manuscript by May 1st at latest
- work through Creating a Life Worth Living exercises
- work on Teen Druidry book manuscript

Photography

- research good DSLR camera and purchase
- purchase good photo editing software
- brainstorm a list of "projects" to pursue
- spend at least one afternoon each week working on photography (taking pics, editing)

Household & Family

- clean house once a week (Tuesdays?)
- go through wardrobe and drastically reduce
- go through basement and drastically reduce
- go through craft cabinet and drastically reduce
- go through each room week by week to clear out things we're not taking with us
- donate clothes, toys, books, furniture
- organize electronics in preparation for move
- organize altar objects and décor in prep for move
- write wedding gift thank you notes
- print up photo cards for thank you notes
- send thank you notes by thanksgiving
- get and read one or two stepmom-related books (maybe?)
- go out on a date with Jeff once a week
- choose pictures from the wedding to get as prints/album
- cut down on plastic use drastically
- investigate eco-friendly alternatives for home use

Diary - Career Help

Waiting for Jeff and Arthur to get done booking their flights on the computer so we can go to dinner. Meanwhile, I was skimming through Creating a Life Worth Living, ostensibly to see if it might be helpful to Jerilynn just to give her some ideas about how adults learn to grapple with the question of "being able to handle being grown up." But the more I flip through it, the more I think it might be worth while to go back through it and actually do some of the exercises and see where they lead.

My plan is to start a serious routine of creative/spiritual work for November. I'm stuck in a rut where I have very little that I have to do on any given day, but a long list of things I'd like to do.... so I get stuck and wind up sitting in front of the computer half the day perusing social networking websites and feeling guilty and angry and unsupported because I'm not "popular." When did I become someone who cared about being popular? When I started to think that being popular was the only way that you can make a living these days. Need to snap out of that. I'm hoping that this book will help.

Also, with my Saturn Return coming up, I wanted to open up to a bit more meditation time and learn to relax when I'm not working and focus when I am (instead of focusing on procrastination and as a result feeling neither accomplished nor rested, instead of both). I tried using the To Do list tool online that Jeff showed me, but that just ended up turning everything on the list into a burden, the list became something too ignore because I fell too far behind on things, and it wound up encouraging me to procrastinate more instead of less. So I need a new system.

An idea I thought up the other night was to use my Tarot cards - draw a single card each day, and have particular types of activities planned according to the suit of the card. So drawing a Pentacles card (of whatever number) would mean doing some sort of "earth" focused activities, while drawing a Swords card would correspond to "air" activities. Major Arcana cards would be something special.

To do this, I have to come up with some kind of way to organize the various things I want to get done according to the four elements, plus decide what the Major Arcana should stand for. I think the first step, then, is to sit down and make a list of all the various things I want to do, and then see if any patterns emerge. Obviously, Swords will probably correspond to "intellectual" types of activities, like perhaps studying, reading, doing research. I'm not sure writing should go under that element, though, since I want to open up my writing a bit more to creativity and imagination. So either Wands or maybe Cups, depending.

Jeff and Arthur have given up because the website just isn't working. So off to dinner and social time. More on this later.

Diary - Anger, Grace and God

Sun: scorpio (fixed water), 7:39 am - 6:29 pm
Moon: waning crescent, virgo (mutable earth), VoC
Earth: beautiful, sunny autumn day, crisp and cool but not too chilly


The shit has hit the fan, so to speak. We caught E in a direct lie about Josh's health - when we asked her what the results were from the allergy test, her response was that he was "definitely allergic." Her phrasing was circuitous enough (e.g. avoiding directly saying that's what the doctor had told her) that Jeff called the doctor himself to speak to him directly to make sure he understood the whole situation, at which point we found out that all of the test results had come back negative and the only evidence that Josh had any kind of allergy at all was E's word that he showed symptoms obviously and consistently after eating corn. (Part of her evidence, in fact, was that he shows symptoms every Monday. Obviously we can't say whether or not this is true, but if it is, it actually suggests it's not a corn allergy, since he's been on a raw vegan diet with us for months now and most definitely never has corn when he's with us on weekends. But this is just one more example of her inconsistency in reporting what exactly are his symptoms and when they show up.)

On top of the corn allergy issue (and Jerilynn's newly invented gluten intolerance, which E says explains why Jerilynn eats too much (?!)), E has taken it upon herself to insist that Jeff quit his job in order to stay in Pittsburgh, and even started job hunting for him (despite not being able to find and keep even a part-time job for herself and being entirely ignorant except for the most general terms about Jeff's skills and job qualifications). Besides all of the obvious reasons (e.g. a struggling economy) why it would be idiotic for him to quit his job and leave a career he loves on the assumption he can just find a different one.... her assumption that it's her responsibility to order Jeff's life is pretty mind-boggling.

When confronted with all of this directly - especially after the blatant lying, which made Jeff the angriest I've ever seen him - she justified her behavior and even claimed that she hadn't lied. She emailed him earlier today saying that they were going to have a talk when he dropped off the kids and he better be prepared to "stay for a while." He wrote back saying that he was too angry to talk to her right now and that he would email her. Unfortunately, this weekend we'd happened to borrow the van so that all of us could attend a boy scout event of Josh's, so when we arrived to drop off the kids and the van and pick up Jeff's car - she was sitting on top of it in an attempt to ambush us and force us into talking. At first she tried to sweet-talk Jeff, saying (in a double lie) that she'd only wanted to say one quick thing, and that was that she thought the plan for the move (which she had vehemently objected to via email) was actually a great idea. Both of these things were direct contradictions to things she had said in emails earlier. When we repeated that we weren't interested in talking to her right now and we would be communicating through email, her mood suddenly swung in the opposite direction. (I thought our response was pretty restrained, since we didn't point out that she had ambushed us, knowing we were angry with her and still ignoring our explicitly stated wishes, and then lied to us right in front of the kids.) She said with angry sarcasm, "What a great example to set for the kids!" (who, if she hadn't decided to corner us right in front of them, would never have even known whether we were emailing or calling), and then turned on the kids are snapped at them to get inside. Speaking of great examples....

I am, admittedly, very angry and still a bit shaken up. Her audacity in lying to us continues to compound every time she gets caught in another one, and her manipulative behavior I could never imagined would have gotten to the point of literally trying to prevent us from physically being able to leave (though, after all, this was the woman who broke into our apartment and then used it as a reason that we might as well give her a key so she wouldn't have to next time, so.... I guess I shouldn't be surprised).

Jeff and I have decided to try a strategy recommended to us by some folks who also have experience with high-drama exes over child custody issues. It's called "low-contact," and there are ten basic rules. It mostly involves making sure that all communication is written and documents, brief and to the point with no room for vagueness or exploitation. There are some recommendations that we're not sure how to handle - for instance, always making exchanges of the kids in public places where the ex can't make a scene or ambush you - but we can work that out somehow.

Reading the list of recommended strategies, I could definitely see some areas where I've been responding or reacting in ways that weren't helpful and that just fed into E's need to create drama and conflict. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself about that, and just resolve to do better in the future and keep my own anger at her in check. I think I got sucked into seeing things from her perspective - not so much agreeing with her, but thinking of the kids as some sort of project that needed to be carefully watched and controlled and protected from negative influences. The other night on the phone, I found myself telling my mother how it was hard to just let things go - especially lies that E tells to the kids - because it wasn't about Jeff or me at all, but about what was best for the kids and that was our end goal: do what is best for the kids. But of course, that's exactly the story E tells herself - that she needs to lie or manipulate others in order to protect the kids and do what's best for them. But ends don't justify the means. Compromising on personal values is not helpful for the kids, no matter what the end result might be. And I don't want to be the kind of person who is always angry and on the defensive and obsessing over all the ways their other care-givers are "doing it wrong." That's just playing E's game. And it's not a game I want to play anymore.

The thing is - last night I prayed to God. I was restless and angry and couldn't sleep, and I just kept arguing with E in my head repeating the same tirades over and over..... Finally, I just closed my eyes and prayed to God - not a god, but God, the god I knew in my childhood, the god I'd grown up knowing as the Christian god, the one who was in some way I never quite understood related to Jesus and his love and sacrifice. And I asked God to help me to find clarity and peace, and most of all to discover in myself the place where I could trust in Love and surrender to that trust and be the better person that I so much wanted to be. And almost immediately, I felt a wave of relaxation sweep over me and soon fell right asleep. And today... well, it's been stressful, yes, especially the confrontation with E. But I do still feel a certain among of clarity, even despite the stress. And that clarity is mostly about myself, and the things that I could be doing better and the ways that I can reclaim that center of myself that's sustained me for so long. That's why I trust it. It wasn't suddenly some clarity about how awful everyone else was or how they could be doing better - it was a way through to my own core, my own center. It wasn't judgement. It was grace.

And that sounds very Christian, I guess. But I still believe in all the things I've always believed in as a Pagan, I still believe that there are many gods and that the world is alive and thriving with beings of all kinds. It's just.... I'm thinking maybe I was too hasty to try to abandon the god of my childhood just because he got slapped with a Christian label before I knew any better. I no longer think of him as the only god, but.... I don't know. Maybe he's still my god, if that makes any sense. Or, at least, one of them. In the somewhat lackadaisical liberal Christianity I grew up with, there was a real relationship there that grew not out of dogma but out of my own self, my own center. And it nourished me and nurtured me and guided me well. Then I learned more about Christianity and understood I could not be Christian in good conscience.... but maybe I assumed that meant I couldn't have that relationship anymore because I'd always assumed it was a Christian one. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe that doesn't matter. It feels sort of like... coming home, the prodigal son.

Or maybe it was a coincidence. I don't know. But I think I want to see where it leads. To allow myself to pray to "God" as I knew him, and see where it takes me. I guess we'll see.

Diary Tarot Card

What insight can you give me tonight to help me find the clarity I seek?

At first, it seems that Temperance (XIV) is a block to the energy flow in the spread. Both the Page of Cups and the Two of Wands face towards the right, towards the future and the realm of activity in the external world; yet Temperance faces towards the right, towards the inner world and the past, where memory and intuition alike reside. After this first impression, though, the spread seems to suggest another interpretation - Temperance as a balance point between two opposites, the watery realm of Cups and the fiery realm of Wands. Even in the card itself, fire and water mingle in a spiraling yin-yang, dancing outward as dragon and phoenix as the angel of Temperance looks on.

So what, then, does Temperance balance? On the left, the Page of Cups is a card of intuition and innocent dreams, a connection to the deep waters of the unconscious where imagination and wisdom are born. The figure (as the artist describes) seeks out a place of quiet solitude where she might contemplate the golden shining reflections in her cup - listening to the still small voice of her intuition and giving free rein to her dreams and inspiration. On the right, the Two of Wands is a card of eager action, looking with attention and energy towards the future. The female figure sits upon her companion, a lion of strength and courage, perched on a high rock outcropping, over-looking the lands of her ancestors and (as the artist describes) imagining what great deeds she might accomplish now that those lands have passed on to her. She looks forward to all the great things she might manifest in the world with the resources available to her, and in her solitary stillness she makes plans and imagines possibilities. Both of these cards are concerned with the future, but those futures concern different realms - the inner and the outer. While the Two of Wands is a figure of strength and courage who is willing to act on her dreams in order to accomplish great things, the Page of Cups is a figure of receptivity and mystery who is willing to quiet her own thoughts in order to explore the realms of the unseen and the only-half-imagined.

Temperance in the center is a card of balance, but not only that. It is a card of dynamic and harmonious balance - in which opposites are brought into a dance with one another, rather than being restricted or arrested in a binding compromise. Temperance is a card of process, and the process is one of balance and harmonious relationship. Both the Page of Cups and the Two of Wands have their vulnerabilities. The Page of Cups is still a young woman, not yet risen to the wisdom of a queen, and her withdrawal into herself to seek her intuition and the inspiration of her dreams can too easily become an excuse for idle fantasy and naive, wishful thinking. On the other hand, the Two of Wands is a card of action and eagerness, at just the start of the journey, but the power of the will can become too outwardly-focused, resulting in rigid willfulness and stagnation which is isolated from the intuitive wisdom that could give it direction and focus. In both cases, a dynamic balance between the two are necessary to give each card's energies limits and boundaries in which to work most effectively.

Yet Temperance faces towards the Page of Cups on the left. In the end, I think this reading indicates that I have moved too much to the right, towards the energies of will and action of the Two of Wands, and that to find that healthy dynamic balance I would do best to look "to the past" and allow myself more of the solitude and stillness I once had, in which to find the time and space to listen more deeply to my own intuition and explore my own dreams. Perhaps this choice might put me at the risk of appearing foolish or naive, too much of a day-dreamer, to those who are eager to judge me as immature, just a silly page. Maybe this is where the courage and strength of the Two of Wands can serve me well - in being willing to be vulnerable in that way, and to more courageously seek out the solitude and quiet that I know my own soul truly needs at times.

Diary - Dreaming the Garuda

I've been under the weather on and off since getting back from our honeymoon, mostly because I've been pushing myself pretty hard with writing and other kinds of work and staying up later than is probably a good idea (also, the time zone shift back to EST was not as easy as the shift to Mountain Time going out, I think). Two evenings ago, I ended up having some sort of stomach/gas pains just as I was going to bed; they lasted through the night (so that I slept only fitfully) and most of the day yesterday, finally going away yesterday evening.

Last night, I had some intense and odd dreams. I don't remember much of them to begin with, but eventually the dream resolved into me going out to a club or party with friends, and needing to stop by a public bathroom where I began to vomit uncontrollably. The vomit wasn't the usual kind, but a kind of white foam that seemed to be generated near the back of my throat and would drain into my stomach from there, making me queazy, and also threatened to actually choke/suffocate me if I didn't continually spit it up into the toilet. Waking up from this dream was so disturbing and quick, that for a moment I thought I had actually vomited or spit up onto my pillow or that I was about to be sick. Luckily, I hadn't and I wasn't. As I lay there, the intensity of the feeling passed, but I remained somewhat queazy for a while.

Falling back asleep again, this time I dreamt that I was in a kind of rental/summer house. Looking outside from a downstairs room, I saw a hound in the backyard that was trying to escape through a wood fence. It had pried some of the wooden slats apart and was about half-way through, its front end outside the yard and its back legs still on the side towards the house where I could see them. Its one back leg looked all mangled and bloody - and I noticed what looked like a great beast crouched down right near the dog on this side of the fence. It had huge talons or claws and shaggy, feathery fur, and it seemed to be about to attack the dog or like it had just finished attacking it. I shouted out in distress and moved across the room to another window for a closer look, and by the time I looked again, the beast had disappeared - but the dog was on the other side of the fence, whole and healthy.

My yelling had disturbed some people in the house who came running and I told them what I'd seen. At first they didn't believe me... but then (as dreams do) some time seemed to pass and in the confusion it was decided that there was a dangerous beast around. (Sometime during this, I was singing and dancing to "In the Jungle", especially the "ooo-EEEE!" part.) I must have been thinking about what I'd seen during that time, because I reached the conclusion that the beast was not hurting but helping the dog and that, despite its monstrous appearance, it was a healing creature. I tried to tell the other people in the house this, saying its name (what kind of beast it was, not its personal name) was something like Celia or Selena or something. No one would listen. Later, I saw it charging away from a horse stable area out by the side of the house. It looked somewhat like a horse, except beastly and monstrous. Imagine a skeleton without any muscle on it, but with just skin draped over it like a thin silk bedsheet.... except the skin was shaggy with feathery fur that was tangled and matted and seemed worn or rotted away in some places. I saw it running towards me and shouted, and people came out, but it was clear that they couldn't see it. Again there was some confusion and someone was sick or injured in the midst of the people gathered outside. They all thought the beast had done it, but only I could see the beast standing just outside the press of people as though trying to get to the injured person (whom everyone was protecting), as though trying to help them.

Then the beast stood up on its hind legs and seemed to transform from a beast into a woman, except that as a woman she was incredibly tall and thin with elongated arms and legs. I could only really get an impression of her and it was impossible to tell if what I could see of her was her clothing or her skin/fur itself - her legs, though long, seemed to be covered with a thick shaggy coat of hair that bowed out around like M.C. Hammer pants almost, and her arms (at first extended out to her sides) had long sleeves that billowed down and looked like draped wings, like a bat's sort of, that folded in as she lowered her arms to her side. Her head was bowed the whole time, with shaggy, matted hair hanging down so that it hid her face entirely from view. She gave me the impression almost of being like a wild animal that could not come near so much noise and clamor and people, and yet to also have a consciousness or intent or instinct to try to help the injured person. There seemed to be a sadness all about her. (After I woke up, it made me think of something I'd once heard of somewhere where a healer would take a sickness from a person and their injury or illness would become a part of the healer instead, so that the healer's body was always diseased and disgusting - but the healer somehow could sustain the disease and so would not die.)

Again there was some confusion and time passing in the dream, and then it was night time and I wanted to go out to the beach under the moon. My parents were nervous about me going out at night, but I went anyway. I drove a minivan and had trouble with the brakes, which were connected to some huge contraption that half-blocked my view in the driver's seat. When attempting to adjust the contraption, it came apart in my hands. I drove for a while along a highway since I could no longer stop, and realized that it wasn't night at all - it was a bright and sunny afternoon, and the darkness had not been night falling but an enormous storm of black thunderclouds that had blotted out the sun. But the storm was passing over (without doing any damage) and leaving the day sunny and fine. It was around this time that I woke up.

When Jeff came in to see how I was in the morning, I was still feeling pretty queazy and drained. I told him about my dream, and when I got to the part about the M.C. Hammer pants, he interrupted me and said it reminded him of the Garuda, a mythological bird-man creature in Hindu and Buddhist mythology. He went and got a card from his Buddha Tarot deck that had the Garuda on it and showed it to me - the figure had bird's legs that billowed out with feathers before coming in again in skinny, scaled bird feet with talons. The rest, though, didn't look much like the figure I'd seen - but mainly because I hadn't been able to see much of the face of the beast except for a vague impression.

Out of curiosity, later I looked up the Garuda on wikipedia. The wikipedia page says that one of the earliest references to the Garuda was in the Vedas, under the name "Śyena" and that it was a mount for the god Vishnu. It was a being associated with healing and in particular with protection against poisons (especially snake poisons). In Buddhist mythology, the Garuda is described as having enormous wings, so large that when they flap they "create hurricane-like winds that darken the sky." The Garuda is much bigger than a man, but can make itself smaller or larger, and is able to take human form in order to have dealings with people. It can also appear or disappear at will.

Doing an image search on Google, most of them looked more similar to the image of Jeff's Buddha Tarot card - but I did find one here that is somewhat similar to it, being longer and taller, and even the face to some extent though I could only ever get glimpses or vague impressions of it - but in the dream, the creature was much more beastly and frightening-looking, which is something it does have in common with many of the other images of the Garuda I was able to find.



Not sure what to make of this dream exactly, but the images of the storm that came afterwards, the shape-shifting and appearing/disappearing of the beast and its association with healing - especially right after the earlier dream where I was vomiting up white foam of some kind - all seem to indicate some kind of correlation.

In any case, I am going to take things easy and try to rest for today. Or however long it takes for me to recover from this cold that's clinging on.

Letter to Mentor

Bob,

It's been just over two months since my last letter to you. As I mentioned in my letter at the beginning of August, I'd decided to put DOTR work aside until after our wedding and honeymoon, but of course my Druidry work more generally never really ceases! Now that it's October, I'm easing back into a somewhat stable routine of spiritual practice, and I'm thinking of using Samhain as an ideal time to renew my work on the DOTR lessons (primarily those focused on the four elements). This will give me time to get that Stephen Arroyo book I mentioned before, about the role of the four elements in astrology, which I hope will be a good resource to accompany (and deepen) my review.

I find that the more I study astrology, the more fascinated I am with it - especially with the "depth psychology" approach that Arroyo and a few others use in modern times, in contrast to what he calls "mundane astrology," which is more traditional and focuses more on predicting external events. Instead, the psychological approach treats astrology as a tool for gaining insights into the inner energetic fields and patterns of the individual. In some ways, it seems simpler, or at least easier for a novice to jump quickly into relevant and meaningful readings based on a few simple interpretive guidelines. On the other hand, those simple interpretive guidelines often seem to lay bare patterns at the heart of the inner psyche that, by the time they filter up into more obvious, conscious behaviors and beliefs, can be incredibly varied and diverse in how they express themselves. When I first began working on an interpretation of my own natal chart, it was constantly surprising how certain aspects of my chart seemed to describe accurately patterns of inner energetic relationships that have expressed themselves in so many different ways in my life over the years, but that once brought to light seemed obviously connected. And just as surprising was how other patterns were so clearly not expressive in my life and did not describe me at all, and how they always corresponded to aspects or patterns definitely not in my natal chart - so that it seems impossible to agree with the argument that skeptics often use, that astrological readings are so vague as to apply to anyone. Though broad or somewhat abstract, the interpretations Arroyo offers are rarely vague, and I can tell almost immediately when I'm reading about an aspect or correspondence whether or not it is likely to appear in my own chart, even before I check it against the chart itself. I have no idea by what mechanism the stars in the sky at the time and place of our birth can so deeply affect, or reflect or speak to, aspects of our inner psyches.... but there's definitely something significant going on. (It reminds me of the physicist I saw recently talking about the latest challenges in modern physics, such as exploring exactly how and why gravity works - the theory being that there are other dimensions curled up within our own three spatial dimensions that somehow give gravity and mass to subatomic particles. Perhaps in the same way, somehow the stars give shape and design to our inner lives - or maybe the other way around - as though there are deeper things at work, webs of connection curled up and embedded within our mundane material reality.)

So I've continued to study astrology over the past two months, and I'm about to launch into Arroyo's book on the elements to go along with my DOTR lessons. In addition, I'll be reading two different books on the influence of Saturn and especially the Saturn Return, as my own is coming up soon and (depending on how tight an orb you use) could be starting as soon as the end of this month. The first exact conjunction of transiting Saturn with my natal Saturn will be on Christmas, December 25 itself, and it will come into exact aspect twice more (because Saturn will go retrograde and then direct again) over the next year, with the final conjunction in next September (on our first year wedding anniversary, in fact). Because of a few other aspects in my chart (Saturn being conjunct Pluto right on my Ascendant, for instance), this coming year promises to be particularly intense, so much of my meditative work in the coming months is going to be focused on working with Saturnine energies in one way or another.

Other than this astrological work, I've been doing some work with archetypes and Jungian psychology thanks to my brother and his career as a "consumer psychology analyst." During a visit with him in August (when we were introducing our cats to each other so he could cat-sit for us while we were away on honeymoon), he just happened to lend me a book on archetypes and "the marketing of meaning" in modern advertising. That book had some fascinating but also some deeply troubling things to say about the use of psychological and spiritual symbols in modern consumer capitalism, but it did help me to clarify my own attitudes towards my writing as a potential career. When we saw him again in September, he lent me another book by the same author, this time much more of a "self-help" type of book that went into more depth and detail about the various archetypes. I'm intrigued by how these might match up with the kinds of archetypes and energies used in astrology, though I want to do a bit more research and experimentation before I can really draw any conclusions.

Also in August, I spent some time working through the "30 Days of Druidry" meme I'd written up and shared on the DOTR blog in July. I'm only part way through the thirty writing prompts, so I'll be continuing that in October and possibly in November as well. Those are published on my blog over on my website, if you wanted to check them out.

During September, it was pretty much non-stop wedding stuff for the first two weeks, and then honeymooning for the second two. One thing I am rather proud of (if you don't mind me getting personal and female for a second): a spell I cast during the August full moon to ensure that the wedding week and honeymoon wouldn't be interrupted by my rather painful and exhausting "that time of the month" turned out to be an astounding success. Though I was on a rhythm that put the worst of it right smack on our wedding day itself, I was able to move things forward more than a week, leaving me feeling rested and well for the week leading up to the wedding and for the two weeks after while Jeff and I were out west camping. I rarely do any kind of spellwork with such mundane, physical ends in mind. Most of my spellwork (which honestly I don't do much of in any case) is focused on inner emotional or psychological work, magic as "a willed change in consciousness." But this was one of those rare times when I had no real recourse to mundane, non-occult means of bringing about the desired outcome, which is the only time I feel like magic directed towards mundane goals is really called for. So I was particularly pleased at how well the spell worked - accurate to the very day. Not bad for someone rather out of practice!

Unfortunately, Jeff and I hadn't bothered to do any spellwork regarding weather for the wedding day (another use of magic that I feel less than enthusiastic about, especially since Jeff's ex-wife had a reputation for brazenly trying to manipulate the weather on a regular basis). We had a gorgeous week at the beach - sunny and warm and perfect beach weather - but the day of the wedding itself was gray and blustery, with winds so strong that almost the entire beach was covered by water (though usually even at high tide there was at least fifty yards of flat sand above the water's edge). Honestly, it was breathtakingly beautiful, though a bit chillier than we'd expected. Still, the rain held off the entire day (finally starting not thirty seconds after Jeff and I left together at the end of the reception), so we did have our ceremony down on the beach as we'd expected, on the threshold of the three realms. We had spent time during a visit the year before petitioning the spirits of the local land for their blessing on our wedding, and we had done similar work the day right before the wedding. Our guests joked that, well, we'd asked the elements and the three realms to show up, and they showed up in force! There may be some truth to that. (Jeff's oldest daughter, Savanah, said that during our invocations to the three realms in the ceremony itself, sand crabs and sea gulls both seemed to draw in closer to the small gathering of us on the beach.) All in all, it was an intense experience, and in some ways I think the weather forced everyone to really ground in their bodies and experience the power and beauty of the natural world in a deeply visceral way... which is exactly what we wanted. (My hair is probably going to be an absolute mess in all of our wedding photos, though!)

During our honeymoon the following two weeks - which we spent out in Utah and New Mexico camping and hiking in various national parks - I spent a lot of time working through some inner blocks or issues involving my career and in particular with my writing. I plan to write up something on this experience sometime soon and share it to my Working the Three Realms blog, so if you're interested in that, you can check it out there.

Since this letter has become way too long already, though, I'll end it here for now. Looking forward to hearing from you. Hoping your autumn has been well and blessed so far! I'd love to hear how you work with Erynn's book and the Three Cauldrons has been going!

--Ali