Moon: waning crescent, virgo (mutable earth), VoC
Earth: beautiful, sunny autumn day, crisp and cool but not too chilly
The shit has hit the fan, so to speak. We caught E in a direct lie about Josh's health - when we asked her what the results were from the allergy test, her response was that he was "definitely allergic." Her phrasing was circuitous enough (e.g. avoiding directly saying that's what the doctor had told her) that Jeff called the doctor himself to speak to him directly to make sure he understood the whole situation, at which point we found out that all of the test results had come back negative and the only evidence that Josh had any kind of allergy at all was E's word that he showed symptoms obviously and consistently after eating corn. (Part of her evidence, in fact, was that he shows symptoms every Monday. Obviously we can't say whether or not this is true, but if it is, it actually suggests it's not a corn allergy, since he's been on a raw vegan diet with us for months now and most definitely never has corn when he's with us on weekends. But this is just one more example of her inconsistency in reporting what exactly are his symptoms and when they show up.)
On top of the corn allergy issue (and Jerilynn's newly invented gluten intolerance, which E says explains why Jerilynn eats too much (?!)), E has taken it upon herself to insist that Jeff quit his job in order to stay in Pittsburgh, and even started job hunting for him (despite not being able to find and keep even a part-time job for herself and being entirely ignorant except for the most general terms about Jeff's skills and job qualifications). Besides all of the obvious reasons (e.g. a struggling economy) why it would be idiotic for him to quit his job and leave a career he loves on the assumption he can just find a different one.... her assumption that it's her responsibility to order Jeff's life is pretty mind-boggling.
When confronted with all of this directly - especially after the blatant lying, which made Jeff the angriest I've ever seen him - she justified her behavior and even claimed that she hadn't lied. She emailed him earlier today saying that they were going to have a talk when he dropped off the kids and he better be prepared to "stay for a while." He wrote back saying that he was too angry to talk to her right now and that he would email her. Unfortunately, this weekend we'd happened to borrow the van so that all of us could attend a boy scout event of Josh's, so when we arrived to drop off the kids and the van and pick up Jeff's car - she was sitting on top of it in an attempt to ambush us and force us into talking. At first she tried to sweet-talk Jeff, saying (in a double lie) that she'd only wanted to say one quick thing, and that was that she thought the plan for the move (which she had vehemently objected to via email) was actually a great idea. Both of these things were direct contradictions to things she had said in emails earlier. When we repeated that we weren't interested in talking to her right now and we would be communicating through email, her mood suddenly swung in the opposite direction. (I thought our response was pretty restrained, since we didn't point out that she had ambushed us, knowing we were angry with her and still ignoring our explicitly stated wishes, and then lied to us right in front of the kids.) She said with angry sarcasm, "What a great example to set for the kids!" (who, if she hadn't decided to corner us right in front of them, would never have even known whether we were emailing or calling), and then turned on the kids are snapped at them to get inside. Speaking of great examples....
I am, admittedly, very angry and still a bit shaken up. Her audacity in lying to us continues to compound every time she gets caught in another one, and her manipulative behavior I could never imagined would have gotten to the point of literally trying to prevent us from physically being able to leave (though, after all, this was the woman who broke into our apartment and then used it as a reason that we might as well give her a key so she wouldn't have to next time, so.... I guess I shouldn't be surprised).
Jeff and I have decided to try a strategy recommended to us by some folks who also have experience with high-drama exes over child custody issues. It's called "low-contact," and there are ten basic rules. It mostly involves making sure that all communication is written and documents, brief and to the point with no room for vagueness or exploitation. There are some recommendations that we're not sure how to handle - for instance, always making exchanges of the kids in public places where the ex can't make a scene or ambush you - but we can work that out somehow.
Reading the list of recommended strategies, I could definitely see some areas where I've been responding or reacting in ways that weren't helpful and that just fed into E's need to create drama and conflict. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself about that, and just resolve to do better in the future and keep my own anger at her in check. I think I got sucked into seeing things from her perspective - not so much agreeing with her, but thinking of the kids as some sort of project that needed to be carefully watched and controlled and protected from negative influences. The other night on the phone, I found myself telling my mother how it was hard to just let things go - especially lies that E tells to the kids - because it wasn't about Jeff or me at all, but about what was best for the kids and that was our end goal: do what is best for the kids. But of course, that's exactly the story E tells herself - that she needs to lie or manipulate others in order to protect the kids and do what's best for them. But ends don't justify the means. Compromising on personal values is not helpful for the kids, no matter what the end result might be. And I don't want to be the kind of person who is always angry and on the defensive and obsessing over all the ways their other care-givers are "doing it wrong." That's just playing E's game. And it's not a game I want to play anymore.
The thing is - last night I prayed to God. I was restless and angry and couldn't sleep, and I just kept arguing with E in my head repeating the same tirades over and over..... Finally, I just closed my eyes and prayed to God - not a god, but God, the god I knew in my childhood, the god I'd grown up knowing as the Christian god, the one who was in some way I never quite understood related to Jesus and his love and sacrifice. And I asked God to help me to find clarity and peace, and most of all to discover in myself the place where I could trust in Love and surrender to that trust and be the better person that I so much wanted to be. And almost immediately, I felt a wave of relaxation sweep over me and soon fell right asleep. And today... well, it's been stressful, yes, especially the confrontation with E. But I do still feel a certain among of clarity, even despite the stress. And that clarity is mostly about myself, and the things that I could be doing better and the ways that I can reclaim that center of myself that's sustained me for so long. That's why I trust it. It wasn't suddenly some clarity about how awful everyone else was or how they could be doing better - it was a way through to my own core, my own center. It wasn't judgement. It was grace.
And that sounds very Christian, I guess. But I still believe in all the things I've always believed in as a Pagan, I still believe that there are many gods and that the world is alive and thriving with beings of all kinds. It's just.... I'm thinking maybe I was too hasty to try to abandon the god of my childhood just because he got slapped with a Christian label before I knew any better. I no longer think of him as the only god, but.... I don't know. Maybe he's still my god, if that makes any sense. Or, at least, one of them. In the somewhat lackadaisical liberal Christianity I grew up with, there was a real relationship there that grew not out of dogma but out of my own self, my own center. And it nourished me and nurtured me and guided me well. Then I learned more about Christianity and understood I could not be Christian in good conscience.... but maybe I assumed that meant I couldn't have that relationship anymore because I'd always assumed it was a Christian one. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe that doesn't matter. It feels sort of like... coming home, the prodigal son.
Or maybe it was a coincidence. I don't know. But I think I want to see where it leads. To allow myself to pray to "God" as I knew him, and see where it takes me. I guess we'll see.
Diary Tarot Card
What insight can you give me tonight to help me find the clarity I seek?
At first, it seems that Temperance (XIV) is a block to the energy flow in the spread. Both the Page of Cups and the Two of Wands face towards the right, towards the future and the realm of activity in the external world; yet Temperance faces towards the right, towards the inner world and the past, where memory and intuition alike reside. After this first impression, though, the spread seems to suggest another interpretation - Temperance as a balance point between two opposites, the watery realm of Cups and the fiery realm of Wands. Even in the card itself, fire and water mingle in a spiraling yin-yang, dancing outward as dragon and phoenix as the angel of Temperance looks on.
So what, then, does Temperance balance? On the left, the Page of Cups is a card of intuition and innocent dreams, a connection to the deep waters of the unconscious where imagination and wisdom are born. The figure (as the artist describes) seeks out a place of quiet solitude where she might contemplate the golden shining reflections in her cup - listening to the still small voice of her intuition and giving free rein to her dreams and inspiration. On the right, the Two of Wands is a card of eager action, looking with attention and energy towards the future. The female figure sits upon her companion, a lion of strength and courage, perched on a high rock outcropping, over-looking the lands of her ancestors and (as the artist describes) imagining what great deeds she might accomplish now that those lands have passed on to her. She looks forward to all the great things she might manifest in the world with the resources available to her, and in her solitary stillness she makes plans and imagines possibilities. Both of these cards are concerned with the future, but those futures concern different realms - the inner and the outer. While the Two of Wands is a figure of strength and courage who is willing to act on her dreams in order to accomplish great things, the Page of Cups is a figure of receptivity and mystery who is willing to quiet her own thoughts in order to explore the realms of the unseen and the only-half-imagined.
Temperance in the center is a card of balance, but not only that. It is a card of dynamic and harmonious balance - in which opposites are brought into a dance with one another, rather than being restricted or arrested in a binding compromise. Temperance is a card of process, and the process is one of balance and harmonious relationship. Both the Page of Cups and the Two of Wands have their vulnerabilities. The Page of Cups is still a young woman, not yet risen to the wisdom of a queen, and her withdrawal into herself to seek her intuition and the inspiration of her dreams can too easily become an excuse for idle fantasy and naive, wishful thinking. On the other hand, the Two of Wands is a card of action and eagerness, at just the start of the journey, but the power of the will can become too outwardly-focused, resulting in rigid willfulness and stagnation which is isolated from the intuitive wisdom that could give it direction and focus. In both cases, a dynamic balance between the two are necessary to give each card's energies limits and boundaries in which to work most effectively.
Yet Temperance faces towards the Page of Cups on the left. In the end, I think this reading indicates that I have moved too much to the right, towards the energies of will and action of the Two of Wands, and that to find that healthy dynamic balance I would do best to look "to the past" and allow myself more of the solitude and stillness I once had, in which to find the time and space to listen more deeply to my own intuition and explore my own dreams. Perhaps this choice might put me at the risk of appearing foolish or naive, too much of a day-dreamer, to those who are eager to judge me as immature, just a silly page. Maybe this is where the courage and strength of the Two of Wands can serve me well - in being willing to be vulnerable in that way, and to more courageously seek out the solitude and quiet that I know my own soul truly needs at times.
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