Saturn Return: Weekly Meditation (Crossing Ascendent)

Days of Note: Saturn crosses Ascendent

Sun: sagittarius (mutable fire), 7:26 AM - 4:54 PM
Moon: *waxing gibbous, aries (cardinal fire)
Earth: cold, in the mid-to-low 40s most of the day, starting out quite sunny but then fading to gray, cloudy weather; not that I would know, as I spent pretty much all day inside working on various things, but mostly writing


Last night I had a dream that my aunt Tricia, who works from home as a baker of wonderful homemade cakes, cookies and pies, etc., had decided that she wanted to quit baking and go into taxidermy. (Apparently, this dream was probably inspired by a scene from an episode of X-Files that Jeff and I watched together last night, which I was only half paying attention to at the time and must have gotten into my subconscious.) Anyway, in the dream, my aunt decided she really wanted to be a taxidermist, she was fascinated by it. But the only tools she knew how to use were things like blenders and egg beaters. I have some vague visual impression in my mind of some poor animal carcass being tamped down into the thin, tapering container of a blender, the lid fitted on nicely and the switch flipped, resulting in that lovely whirring and the spinning of blood and bone and fur and bits all into a uniform pinkish paste.

This might not have anything to do with anything, but I thought I would jot it down.

I started writing this journal entry at 11:11 PM, though I doubt I'll be finished with it until what is technically Sunday morning. I'm wide awake and not feeling the least bit tired - which is indicative of my sleep schedule these days, where sometimes I feel so lethargic I can't pull myself out of bed before 10 AM, and other days I'm awake before dawn (which, as dark as the days are, isn't really that hard anyway) with plenty of energy to spare. This morning, I woke up at around 5 AM and tossed and turned a bit before finally giving up and getting up entirely at about 6:30 AM. Jeff had to leave to get the kids, and I fell back asleep for another few hours, so I suppose it all evened out. We'll see how I am tomorrow morning. (Jeff, who slept downstairs on the futon because he'd been snoring a lot lately, hardly slept at all last night because of various worries about this weekend, so now he's excused and sound asleep despite me still being awake.)

I hadn't planned to do much work today - or rather, I'd planned to at least try to clean and organize the basement some in preparation for our up-coming move. But two of the four kids were sick with some kind of stomach bug (which had them on a bland diet of food, though neither of them really acted all that sick - it was a nice excuse for everyone to stay quiet and relaxed in bed reading or drawing for much of the day), so thoughts of trying to organize some kind of cleaning extravaganza were out. At one point I sat down to check out John's recent post on No Unsacred Place, which was excellent as usual, and that was the kick in the ass I needed to sit down and work on the piece I'd wanted to do for this coming week about the recent news coming out of the science journals about LUCA, the Last Universal Common Ancestor, being a single, planet-sized mega-organism very similar to a "living ocean" of genetic soup. A pretty cool concept. So I spent all day researching various creation myths from different cultures and drawing comparisons between these and the scientific evidence they have for LUCA, pointing out some of the common themes of primordial chaotic waters, a moment when separation and individuation begins to occur, and the idea of a god being dismembered and the parts of his (or her) corpse being used to actually make the world.

So even though I didn't have any time really to do some formal Saturn Return meditation as I'd planned, I ended up doing quite a bit of contemplation on some of those primordial ancient themes about dissolution, death, separation, limitation and the power of form. Some of the Greek myths actually involve Kronos/Saturn himself, so... there's that.

I find myself really connecting to this idea of a common genetic ancestor in the ancient primordial oceans as a living being that is both an ancestor and a god(dess). This just really jives for me. It works well with my more animistic sensibilities which can sometimes shy away from being overly metaphorical or psychological about the gods and would rather rejoice in and celebrate the Actual Sun Right There See There It Is than in some idea of a sun deity in the abstract. On the other hand, though, it also gives some context to Manannan as a "son of the sea" without having to bear the burden of being the literal sea itself. Manannan mac LUCA, perhaps. Manannan has continued to be an important god to me, and I think I've reconciled myself to just him and Brighid for the time being as a working pair who play nicely together. Manannan is a god of the threshold, the liminal space of the mists, the psychopomp who leads the dead into the other realm, the trickster who will turn things upside-down just for the sake of teasing and challenging. I think there are definitely some parallels here between Manannan (and Manawydan from Welsh mythology) and the figure of Saturn. And strangely enough, while I think of Saturn primarily as a planet and, after that, as some kind of psychological archetype and energetic influence, I find it a lot easier to think of Manannan as an actual god, personified, and able to help me with the Saturn Return. I have no sense that he is Kronos/Saturn, any more than Jeff is, say, Commander Samuel Vimes. But the "real" god Manannan has some understanding of the character/nature/influence of the psychological archetype of Saturn and can give me some insight - like we can have a discussion about it and share our perspectives, in the same way Jeff and I can talk about the characters in Pratchett's books and he can give me insight into what it's like to be a father, something I wouldn't know as much about.

One thing that I was reflecting on just now while I was reading and trying to fall asleep was the nature of Saturn's recent transit through my twelfth house in Libra, the sign and house of my natal moon. I think it was Arroyo who said that Saturn can have a lasting influence when passing through the sign and house of the moon, even when it's not in exact or close aspect to the moon itself. I don't remember precisely when transiting Saturn was exactly conjunct my natal moon, but I do know that the moon is associated with a lot of "mommy issues" - coming to terms with the mother's influence in the family and the inner archetype of the mother in the psyche, as well as grappling with ancestral influences of all kinds that have been "inherited" on the psychic or psychological level. With my moon in Libra, I wonder if I have a particular sensitivity to concepts of fairness, justice, balance and beauty being manifested in the role of the mother - whether by myself or by other "mothers" in my life.

Saturn has been transiting my twelfth house for about two years now, I think. It's soon to cross my ascendent and enter my first house. In fact, looking up my chart just now (at 11:48 PM on Saturday, December 3) I see that transiting Saturn is within 13 minutes of my ascendent and the cusp of my first house. So... maybe that's why I'm suddenly feeling a certain amount of energy and clarity around these issues.

Anyway, as I was lying in bed I suddenly saw all the various ways in which the energy and influence of the mother had been manifesting in my life in ways that provoked my anger or frustration over a sense of violated fairness or justice - in particular in my relationship with Jeff's ex-wife and biological mother to my stepchildren, who has consistently attempted to act in the role of controlling "Mama Bear" figure to both me and Jeff as well as the kids. It hit me that I had been grappling with two issues that were often put at odds with one another.

On the one hand, I wanted things to be Fair - both in the sense of being just and balanced, and also beautiful and harmonious. This led me to a lot of conflict on Jeff's behalf when I felt that his rights as a father were being trampled on or ignored, when he didn't get "his fair share" of time with the kids (even when him having more time with them, and the struggle to get and keep that time that was often involved, left both of us feeling worn out, exhausted and stressed). I also made a lot of judgements - emotionally and ethically - about Emily choosing to stay home and be a "mom," even going on to have another child with her new husband, instead of stepping up to be an "equal partner" in both the divorce (by pulling her weight with joint debt from the previous marriage) and in her own new marriage (which, I will be the first to admit, is none of my business, though I sure do have opinions about it). This judgement - and I won't say it was judgmental necessarily, but it was a judgement, certainly - often had me worrying about the kind of example she was setting for the kids, and my own response was to push back - to balance out her example by becoming even more ambitious (Saturn!) in my own role not as a stepmom but as a "career woman" and female adult role model to the kids. This was me pushing back against the figure of the mother - both in external form and my own potential role - and seeking instead another kind of authority. That has Saturn's influence written all over it.

On the other hand, I also had already learned the lesson - which Saturn had helped teach me before - that to find a harmonious balance it is often important to let go, to release certain emotional blockages or stubborn opinions and to give up being the kind of person who has to control every little thing to make sure it all comes out alright. This was a lesson that I actually learned from my own mother, by bad example. Seeking too much control in a world that is by its very nature so much bigger and more complex than you could ever possibly understand is the very recipe for out of control stress and paranoia. This is what happened to my mother to some extent (though I have to admit that in recent years, perhaps because of the change in her career and my brother and I no longer living at home, she does seem to be improving on this in small ways). The whole thing was, in fact, a lesson all about boundaries and limits (hello again, Saturn old friend!), learning to understand the extent of your own control and when not to push beyond them but instead accept them and trust in the greater harmonies of the universe (there's Saturn, straddling that liminal space between the concrete manifestations of the inner planets and the influences of fate and cosmic force of the outer planets). This was a lesson I knew very well, and something that I continued to affirm to myself consciously. But I was completely piss-poor at actually following through and listening to my own better judgement.

So here were two urges that were definitely working at odds to one another. The urge on the one hand to make sure things were fair and just and balanced - and the desire on the other hand not to become like my own mother and like Jeff's ex-wife, both of whom were excellent examples of the immaturity and stress that characterizes a "control freak" who uses their good intentions to justify their paranoid manipulations and micro-management of everyone around them (essentially being a "mother" to everyone and not being able to trust others to do what's fair or harmonious on their own). Confronted with the glaring evidence that Jeff's ex-wife had no interest in being fair - I think mainly simply because she was incapable of stepping outside of her own perspective in order to see how what she wanted was unfair - it was an incredible challenge for me not to respond by trying to control her.

My response, and something I had to work on with Jeff a lot, was a process of affirming our personal boundaries. It took a lot of push-back and a great deal of stress and hard work every time we were confronted with Emily's tendency to act entitled to private information about our lives that were none of her business or to bombard Jeff with unsolicited emails full of advice about issues of which she had little to no actual knowledge. We worked hard, as a couple and equal partners in the matter, to help each cope with that stress and reaffirm our right to establish clear, healthy boundaries. But mostly, it sucked. I've been getting down on myself a lot over the past couple years about my feelings of having failed at this work, or at least of having responded in ways that were not helpful or healthy. And definitely there were times when our attempts to establish strong boundaries crossed the line into an attempt to control or compensate for Emily's disrespectful or manipulative behavior. But looking back now, I actually feel like we did an okay job. One recent change came about when I broke down and asked some folks on an internet forum if they had any resources that might help. One person responded and pointed me to the "Ten Commandments for Low-Contact Parallel Parenting with High-Drama Ex's." (The idea of having a short, authoritative list of simple rules to follow.... yeah, Saturn, you bet.) Jeff and I read this over, saw a lot of ways that we were already following the techniques suggested and a lot of other places where we could improve. So we started following the rules, and we sent a copy of them to Emily asking her to abide by them as well. (This was after we caught her in a bald-faced lie about one of the kids' health issues, which for us was the final straw and, in some ways, a relief that her manipulation could no longer be denied or explained away.... though of course, that didn't stop her from trying.)

That was about two months ago now, I think. Today, Jeremy confronted Jeff when he went to pick up the kids to let him know that two of them weren't feeling well - and for good measure threw in his own two cents about how "this silent treatment isn't having the effect we [Jeff and I] were hoping it would have." The comment had Jeff fuming when he got home, but he and I talked about it and were able to laugh off the continued arrogance and immaturity. I pointed out to him that our stress has definitely gone down and we don't waste nearly as much time in pointless conflict with Emily; meanwhile, we have more energy when we do have the kids and less anxiety over every little issue that might somehow make its way back to us, so our time with them is more enjoyable than it was before. Whatever Jeremy and Emily think, the technique is most definitely doing what we'd hoped it would do on our end. Jeremy simply declaring that it wasn't working - without asking Jeff's feelings on the matter - was just one more example of why the Low-Contact Parenting techniques were a good idea after all.

One of the things that I think was most helpful about the Low-Contact Parenting was that it helped us to recognize when we were crossing the line from "affirming healthy boundaries" to "pushing back and trying to control others." With rules that restrict our email use to only short messages pertaining specifically to the kids themselves and that avoid intentionally provocative language, for instance, we're forced to catch ourselves before we shoot off that obnoxious letter that we secretly hope will smack Emily back into her place and divest her of any delusions she has about our opinion. The rules work because they ask us to turn a critical eye back onto our own behavior and to recognize when we're demanding something that we should probably just not expect given what is and is not within our reasonable ability to control. These rules give us a structure whereby we can learn how to find a balance between our sense of fairness and our need to appreciate our limits. (And I'm using "we" a lot here because it's something Jeff and I have mostly worked on together, but in many ways this is a lot about my own issues.) But all of this only came after we had done the difficult work of establishing boundaries that could safely secure at least a minimum amount of real fairness and equality between Jeff and his ex when it came to the kids - including giving us the legal ground to stand on in order to negotiate for a fair and workable schedule for child custody after our move. If we hadn't done that necessary work of pushing back and establishing boundaries first - especially in Jeff's case, I think - we would have been in a position where an attitude of "it's out of our control" would have left us open to manipulation, exploitation and a certain amount of guilt.

So here I was being hard on myself about how we handled it when, looking back, maybe we did pretty much the best we could given the circumstances. We weren't perfect, but I think we've found some long-term sustainable ways to find that necessary balance and we were able to bring our more unseemly responses into check before they got out of hand and went too far. At least, right now I'm feeling hopeful and optimistic and so that's my present understanding of the situation. I'd love to hear what Jeff thinks of all of this. (He's asleep now - maybe I'll have a chance to talk to him tomorrow about it at some point.) I'm sure his perspective will be a bit different, considering the influences going on in his own chart right now. And maybe I'm completely wrong about this - I'm kind of making it up as I go, really, and he knows more about astrology than I do.

In any case, what began as a day spent contemplating the "primordial mother ocean" has ended up with some pretty startling thoughts about the energies of the moon-as-mother in relation to my Saturn Return. Perhaps leaving the twelfth house and crossing the ascendent means that these issues are be resolved, maybe "coming to light" in a more conscious way now that I'm moving out of the house of mystery and mysticism. I don't know. I hope so. I think it must be a good sign that I just happen to be awake and thinking about this during the time when transiting Saturn is coming into exact aspect with my ascendent. That has to mean something, right? Like my willingness to be awake to this and open to it, to face it instead of just wanting to "go back to sleep" and ignore the lessons. I hope Manannan can help me stay open to the lessons I need to learn, and in the meantime help me to maybe not be quite so hard on myself if things seem like a struggle or I have to work hard. I think it's a really important insight, that coming to terms with our boundaries and limitations (Saturn) is also about learning how to trust in the greater universe. I just read an old tale about Manannan that someone randomly posted online the other day, about a shepherd who is on his way home with his sheep one evening when he runs into Manannan, who teases him about his certainty of the way and pulls down a confusing mist that shrouds his eyes and makes him lose his sheep. After bumbling about in the dark mists all night, Manannan finally relents and lifts the mist, for the shepherd to find that he was only a few yards from home with all his sheep safe and accounted for by his side - and Manannan joking that sometimes he just likes to play a prank for the joy of it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in a similar position - stumbling around in the mist all night only to finally realize once the veil lifts away that I've been close to home all along and in no real danger. But I also have to wonder if maybe, if I didn't bumbled around quite so much and fret quite so loudly (and maybe sometimes comically), if Manannan wouldn't consider me quite so worth his attention. ;)

So with that thought, I'll call it a night.

Daily Diary

Days of Note: Solstice Eve Day

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:39am - 4:56pm
Moon: **full moon, gemini (air/mutable)
Earth: cloudy all day with snow flurries, very cold

Thoughts: this morning, spent some time discussing with Jeff about whether or not to confront Emily, but came to no real conclusions about what the right thing to do is; mostly thinking about Solstice and our schedule with the kids and how to keep everything on track and running smoothly; finally getting into some "yuletide spirit"

Actions: breakfast with the kids, followed by a few hours of contractor work (while Jeff made popcorn and helped the kids with popcorn and cranberry garlands and birdseed ornaments for our greeting of the new born solstice sun at dawn tomorrow); lunch, followed by me taking some time to write up Savanah's Druidry lesson for the week and gather some supplies (this week we talked about altars, so Jeff and I had a "show and tell" time); then Savanah's lesson; I squeezed in a bit more contractor work while Jeff made an early dinner, then we all we out to Phipps to see the greenhouse at night with all the light displays; when we got home, we did a Winter Solstice meditation with the kids by candlelight, then sent the kids to bed; after they were asleep, finished wrapping presents and putting on tags and bows, then dragged up the boxes of Christmas decorations and set up everything in the dining room as a surprise for the kids in the morning (since we hadn't put up any decorations before that, because of the cat and a lack of time), but we draped garlands around the windows and put a garland and a fancy tree skirt around the miniature rosemary "tree" in the center of the table, surrounded by presents (Lannie's presents we set up sitting in each of the kids' respective seats at the table so they look like weird bodies in colored body bags who've all reanimated and decided to play poker - it looks so marvelously bizarre and creepy! pictures, of course, to follow); now, Jeff made us mint tea to have with some holiday cookies, since now we're the grown ups who get to have Santa's cookies! o, also, I forgot - received and opened a holiday card from my parents, as well as a gift from a reader who is a craftsman on Etsy, a beautiful leather-bound journal with acorn charm that she made herself and almost brought me to tears of gratitude that a reader could be so kind - I will definitely be sending her a thank you note (and pictures to follow, plus a thank you going up on Meadowsweet)

Connections: mostly looking forward to Solstice and the lunar eclipse tonight (tomorrow morning, technically) and trying to enjoy the day despite being quite busy; it was nice being able to take a few hours to get some work done and feeling productive even with having the kids this week; I think Jeff really enjoyed making the bird seed ornaments with them, and came up with some very creative solutions since our attempts last year were less than stellar; so all in all, I'm feeling calm and integrated and finally able to relax enough to enjoy the coming holidays

No daily tarot card tonight.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:39am - 4:56pm
Moon: *waxing gibbous, gemini (air/mutable)
Earth: cold and cloudy most of the day, with snow flurries on and off

Thoughts: generally worn from yesterday's confrontations; scheduling with my dad regarding family holiday time and going to Long Wood Gardens over Christmas; talked to my dad about Emily's latest stuff and how rough it's been on Jeff and me emotionally to cope with worries of the kids being suspicious or distrusting of us because of her behavior; thinking about Pagan+Politics (which Jeff is signing up to write for, now) and the medium of blogging and dealing with commenters and trolls; talked a little bit with Jeff about fiction writing and character development

Actions: slept in pretty late, had a late brunch; talked to my dad on the phone when he called; started the craft project with the kids; got some contractor work in while the kids went with Jeff to the library and again in the evening after dinner; finished reading the Plotkin book and spent some time reading a few de Lint stories (some of which are awful, and some are okay)

Connections: we're trying to take things easy and not get incredibly stressed out over the next few days; not much else to say about it

(Note: This post was finished the following morning and backdated. No daily tarot card, unfortunately.)

Daily Diary

Days of Note: DOTR Alban Arthuan ritual celebration, formal dedication as an aspirant with the Order

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:38am - 4:55pm
Moon: *waxing gibbous, taurus (earth/fixed)
Earth: very cold all day, though fairly sunny except a few scattered clouds

Thoughts: mostly my thoughts centered around Emily's latest issue (sitting the kids down to tell them Jeff and I are liars who were asking her to lie, and then calling Jeff on the phone to let him know) and how to deal with it, what to say to the kids and how it would play out over this weekend; also some focus on the DOTR ritual tonight taking place down in Georgia, and Bob's suggestion that I spend some time in meditation while the ritual was going on in order to connect with the energies and intentions raised to formally welcome me as an aspirant into the Order

Actions: several hours of contractor work today (at both the library and back home); swinging by the store to pick up some supplies that they didn't have at the other grocery store last night (for instance, cranberries for the garlands for the birds); wrote an email response to Emily and Jeremy after hearing from Jeff about this latest development; after I finished work for the day, Jeff and I sat down with each of the kids in turn and had conversations with them about what it was Emily told them and what they thought of the whole thing, giving them a chance to ask us questions and raise concerns; during dinner prep, took some time to check how the crafts turned out (still not as good as I was expecting and I can't figure out why); then conversation over dinner with the kids; spent time in meditation and divination during a ritual to connect with and honor DOTR's Mother Grove doing their Alban Arthuan ritual tonight and welcoming me and a few others as aspirants to the Order, plus a few people who've completed the Nine Lessons and become full members

Connections: an emotionally exhausting day, and I simply don't know what to think of our conversations with the kids about Emily's behavior; I think the three younger kids understood why we hadn't told them about our arguments with Emily before, and forgave us for our good intentions in trying to protect them from problems that weren't theirs to solve; Savanah - I don't know, she's becoming ever more the adolescent and has both a reticence and an edge to her that, combined, can really put a person on the defensive if they're not careful; she seemed to be both more demanding of us in terms of explanations, and quicker to try to justify Emily's behavior, though often it seemed simply for the sake of argument and not necessarily because she agreed with Emily; personally, I want to try to trust Savanah to be kind and considerate in her evaluations of Jeff and myself, and to try to see things from our perspective, but she certainly seems to be at that age when everything is a battle - of wits, or humor, or reason - and everything demands a quick, simple answer or she simply loses patience; so I'm left not knowing what her opinion is of the entire situation, or if she took it seriously at all (she seemed more interested in teasing the cat during our conversation and refused to sit up next to Jeff and I on the bed and talk to us face to face); I was joking about teens being hard - I didn't think I'd be getting the brunt of it; when did life become so difficult? being part of a divorced family is much rougher than I anticipated

Daily Tarot Card: The Six of Swords again, a card of difficult transitions and journeys, a weariness of the heart and soul that leaves us feeling drained and weak. We are borne across the troubled waters towards a new horizon and a fresh beginning, with a promise of new hopes and renewed energy. The process, the journey itself, may be one of joy and comfort in which we can take strength, readying for the new beginnings promised to us. Yet worries, anxieties and unhealthy thought patterns may linger and we may find ourselves repeating the same old tiresome patterns as before, and carrying the same burdens. Will we carry these troubles into the future with us? Or will we hold them loosely, gently, and willingly release them as we journey onwards, leaving our troubles behind us?

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:37am - 4:55pm
Moon: waxing gibbous, taurus (earth/fixed)
Earth: cold, in the low 20s all day, cloudy with some snow flurries in the evening

Thoughts: trolls on the blog bitching at me for posting the "long goodbye" series explaining why I'm deciding not to blog anymore, demanding why I'm "making such a big deal of it"; the nature of bias when it comes to science v. the humanities, math v. art, and the assumption of superiority in the methods of scientific quantification and measurement, as if this is the only way we can know anything; why is the winter holiday season so difficult this year? I really can't get into it at all, the house isn't decorated and I am hardly even looking forward to gift exchange when usually I absolutely love picking out presents and wrapping them up all wonderfully and all of that...

Actions: wrote up a to-do list to make it through today; dealt with trollish commenters by turning comments off on the blog; very brief walk in the woods after breakfast; prepped more card stock for one last attempt at the Christmas gift crafts; tweaked GIMP images for the crafts; sanded and drilled and prepared the kids chosen bits for their craft project this weekend; watched an episode of the Daily Show with Jeff over lunch about the disgusting behavior of Congress, which won't pass health care for 9/11 first responders; got in a good solid chunk of time doing contractor work (figured out a new system that I think will improve my efficiency a little bit); stopped by the bank; reserved our hotel room for during our stay in Lancaster; made a trip to the pet store for Cu's Solstice present; went to the grocery store to stock up on food for a week with the kids; wrapped a bunch of presents when we got home and finished up the craft projects (just have to let dry overnight, but I'm feeling good about this latest attempt)

Connections: Jeff says the planets and moon are doing some wonky shit right around the lunar eclipse on the solstice, forming a huge cross in the sky that, on the west coast, will be perfectly aligned to the horizon when the eclipse happens; I'm just feeling generally exhausted and not exactly up for five days of the kids, so I'm thinking I'll be escaping to the library or café at least a few times this week in order to get some work done and just relax a bit

Daily Tarot Card: The Ace of Cups again, and I am impatient for something new, as I don't know what this card might mean today - a gift, or a warning, or perhaps it is irrelevant? A card of new beginnings, the first ripple in the pond, the first overflowing of the wellspring of imagination, emotion, intuition and subconscious mind that may become a river seeking its way to the ocean. I draw again and pull the Six of Swords, a card of journey and transition as a new cycle begins. Borne by the swift passage to a new place, the problems of the world that have worried us seem small and less important, yet if we are not careful we may find that we carry them along with us, old thought patterns and stresses that will influence the new cycle that is beginning. Perhaps, instead, this card is an invitation to find comfort, peace and strength in the transition itself, the process of change and flux that can so often leave us exhausted, drained and weak. Can this journey give us a sense of release and renewal, if we let it?

Daily Diary

Days of Note: Flamekeeping

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:37am - 4:55pm
Moon: waxing gibbous, taurus (earth/fixed)
Earth: cold all day, mostly cloudy but no snowfall

Thoughts: had trouble sleeping last night, so spent some time thinking about some potential fiction writing stories (inspired by de Lint's book of short stories - it turns out he does improve as a storyteller after his first novel, or at least, in short story form he does); this morning spent some time discussing Emily's excuses apologies for her emails; discussed hormonal imbalances and psychosomatic symptoms, and whether or not we should be concerned about the kids if she's claiming she has that little control over her outbursts

Actions: still trying to get these damned craft projects to turn out right (slowly running out of both time and supplies - family might have to deal with crappy Christmas presents this year); got in a really good and satisfying chunk of time doing contractor work today, ran by Michael's, watched some episodes of Buffy in the evening with Jeff

Connections: still in denial about Christmas time and coping by trying to get these presents to turn out halfway decent; also, haven't been keeping up with the daily meditating now that I'm not doing it in conjunction with the diary keeping in the mornings anymore - this was the first flamekeeping shift was I was so completely distracted that I didn't have a chance to do any sort of meditation (but I did wear the flame all day, and I spent a good chunk of time in the middle of the night last night praying to Brigid and composing some chants to her, though now I don't really remember them); on the other hand, when I sat down with my computer and tarot deck to do my journaling tonight, I felt a kind of wash of happy I'm-so-glad-I'm-Pagan enjoyment in the prospect

Daily Tarot Card: The Seven of Cups is a card of dreams, fantasies and choices. While it may be easy to become ungrounded and loose perspective, lost in a dreamworld chasing unrealistic goals and selfish ambitions, the paradox of seven is that with limitless possibilities also comes the potential to deepen, to grow, to become more truly yourself. (My note: I draw this card again, on a day when I am sleep deprived and feeling ungrounded due to a restless night of dreams and imaginary conversations and arguments, not to mention our over-indulgence in television this evening, which is a kind of fantasy-world in itself. Perhaps this is reminding me to keep my "eye on the prize," so to speak, and pursue activities that I know will help me to cultivate my true, authentic self, even if I'm feeling tired or distracted. At the same time, I find myself not feeling as stressed out about this card as I was before when it kept coming up. I am feeling more connection to the man with the map, than to the wild-eyed woman reaching for the floating citadel. I think this means I've been making some progress in dealing with the energies, patterns and behaviors this card represents for me.)

Daily Diary

Days of Note: Flamekeeping (begins at sundown)

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:36am - 4:54pm
Moon: waxing gibbous, aries (fire/cardinal)
Earth: very cold and snowy all day, though with bright sunlight breaking through occasionally

Thoughts: this morning spent some time thinking about public education and religion in the public sphere, as well as the nature of the religion of the State, the religion of capitalist consumerism and whether the "mythology of the market" aligns with the "moralist therapeutic deism" that the article Jeff read yesterday describes as the predominant description of religion for young people today; spent much of the second half of the day worrying about Emily and her recent bout of rudeness, disrespect and "crazy-making" through her emails, this time going off about how Jeff and I are "liars" who have been telling lies both to her and the children - though what exactly these lies consist of seems unclear, since every time she brings one up and we clarify what actually happened (backed up by email exchanges preserved in the Infinite Gmail Archive of Doom), it turns out that she was just factually wrong or working on very poorly, irrationally drawn conclusions; most of her accusations center around two things: whether or not we "left early" from Josh's birthday party more than a year ago, and whether or not we're being honest with the kids about why she and Jeremy are not invited to our wedding.... apparently, our inability to behave well at parties means we must be lying to her about our finances, though I'm not sure how she makes this leap

Actions: spent some of the day finishing the Christmas gift crafts for my family and preparing the craft supplies for the kids project this coming weekend (though why I should help the kids make gifts for their mom when she's been so rude and disrespectful to me, I don't know - I'm just that kind of person, I guess); spent a little bit of time on contractor work; spent far too much of my day composing angry emails to Emily, talking with Jeff about her baseless accusations and trying to figure out what to do and how I can help him and be supportive without feeding her irrational hatred of me; this evening, Jeff and I spent some time in meditation followed by some divination to seek clarity on the situation; my flamekeeping shift started at sundown and I had intended to do some meditative and possible trance work, but obviously was distracted (so... count that as not-an-action for today)

Connections: I realize that my anal retentive tendency to keep track of my schedule and save all emails really does pay off, when it means I can look back through my records to provide evidence for what was or was not done or said when dealing with someone who has a tendency to (willfully, perhaps) misremember the past; another reason this diary is also a good idea - a public record of my daily thoughts and deeds may come in handy if future accusations of dishonesty or duplicity arise; after all, it's hard to lie in such detail and consistency on a daily basis

Daily Tarot Card: The Hanged Man (XII) A card of willing self-sacrifice and surrender, as well as a card of emotional release. The Hanged Man relinquishes his control in order to gain wisdom and insight into the nature of being. He surrenders to the greater patterns that govern the world and accepts what is beyond his control, yet his surrender itself is an act of discipline and choice, arising from the only thing over which he does have control: his own actions and choices. This act of self-surrender brings about a shift in perspective, flipping the world on its head and revealing mysteries that once were hidden or incomprehensible.

(My note: Although I did refrain from sending the full-length letter (referenced in the previous divination post) to Emily - I do feel that the act of writing it was, to a certain extent, an emotional release as well as a relinquishing of control. It reminded me once again that, whatever other crazy-messy things are going on in the world, I do have control over one thing at least: my ability to choose, to give of myself willingly and to enter into the patterns of the world with my whole being. This is an important lesson to remember as I approach a marriage to a man who has a far from simple family situation. I do not have control over this, and it is going to be (and has been) difficult for me to keep this in mind and reign in my temper in response to my fears of being held in obligation to another. As I prayed to Brigid during my meditation earlier: I embrace the attending and self-sacrifice that She asks of me, in the service of the peace, beauty, freedom, justice and love that are Her gifts. But I do not want to surrender my will to the caprice of another human being who has only selfish intentions at heart. This distinction is difficult to make sometimes, so I ask my goddess's help in recognizing when to act, and when to let go.)

Daily Diary

Days of Note: First Quarter Moon

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:35am - 4:54pm
Moon: first quarter, pisces (water/mutable)
Earth: snow all day, very windy and very cold, down in the teens

Thoughts: minor freak out about crappy computer software earlier today; otherwise, focused mostly on trying to get these craft projects done and feeling generally kinda worn out for no discernible reason; last night, had a scary dream involving zombies, in which Freddy showed up as a zombie but trying to help

Actions: spent all day on craft projects for Christmas gifts, and I'm afraid they're not going to turn out as nice as I was hoping (though they may!); Cu had a vet visit this morning, where he did very well; dinner with Arthur this evening to thank him for the furniture and just hang out some, so that was nice

Connections: just having one of those days when I feel like I really need to cut myself some slack and rest, but I can't because there are just too many things I'm trying to get done; feeling on edge and worn down and tired of the "rat race" of constantly trying to keep up with obligations (this leads me to think that if I'm going to do handmade wedding favors, I'm going to start soon and spread them over the next half a year so I'm not having unnecessary freak-outs closer to the day itself); still not feeling the Yuletide spirit; maybe my brain has gotten dumber due to stress?

Daily Tarot Card: The Three of Cups depicts a joyful celebration among friends, an enjoyment of pleasant feelings and good company. Being a resolution of some of the tensions that had previously been present, it symbolizes a step forward on the right path and the first taste of success and the fruits of your work, even if the reward is for now an emotional one rather than a material one. Like most three cards, the Three of Cups is a card of progress, but it also indicates a time to savor the good times while they're here and share them with a happy and supportive community.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:34am - 4:54pm
Moon: first quarter, pisces (water/mutable)
Earth: rain all day and somewhat milder than it's been, but turning cold tonight with the wind blowing in snow for a storm

Thoughts: Savanah's review lesson today and how to improve our work with her and help her with the assignments she seems to be having trouble with; why the kids are so whiney and why it's Emily's fault (and why I tend to blame Emily, because it's so easy to pass the buck!); why I can't seem to get into the holly-jolly yuletide spirit this year, and worrying a little bit about present shopping (since I kinda haven't really started, even for Jeff)

Actions: finished the craft project I started yesterday (it turned out well, Jeff really likes it); spent over an hour with Jeff and Savanah working on her review lesson, talking about her previous work so far and teaching her a bit about divination; took the kids to the library; had them pick out their potential ornament designs for next weekend's gift craft project; skipped yoga and meditation today (naughty!); ordered Jeff's gifts, at least one of which will be a surprise for him (so, I lied, I did start my shopping - I just feel like I haven't gotten very far)

Connections: I'm always so doubtful of this journaling process, I started out thinking this was a great way to keep myself motivated and organized and see how much I was accomplishing from day to day; now I'm wondering if keeping a record like this is wearing me out and taking some of the spontaneity out of things; I'm not sure when everything became an obligation, but I do feel as though I rarely have a day when I don't have to worry about something, there's always some new project looming, some new goal for cleaning or organizing the house, some new wedding thing to think about or new event to plan for or new project to finish; I'm wondering if I'll ever reach a point when I can have a week or two of boringness and dull repetition - just do contractor work for a certain number of hours, and then the rest of the week is yours to relax and, I don't know, read a good book... that'd be nice

Daily Tarot Card: The Ace of Cups is a card of gladness, good luck and emotional and intuitional fulfillment. A card of beginnings and potential, it symbolizes our connection with our unconscious, our inner selves, and the first stirrings of insight that we feel as we allow our minds to daydream and wander into the depths. (My note: Or maybe it's just saying I need to drink more water. I don't know. I'm tired.)

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:33am - 4:53pm
Moon: waxing crescent, pisces (water/mutable)
Earth: sunny all day, no snowfall, warmer than it has been, high near 50

Thoughts: spent lot of time (too much time) today bothering about Emily - not worrying or even feeling angry, so much as going over the details of the situation, first with Jeff again this morning and then with my mother; wondering a bit why I can't seem to get into the "holiday spirit" this year, but not too bothered by it

Actions: composed a letter to Emily (which I have not sent, yet); spent much of the day working on a craft project as a test to see how difficult it would be to do with the kids; emailed my parents about Christmas gifts and then called my mom to talk about various issues regarding shipping/delivery, etc.; otherwise, mostly hung out with the kids

Connections: I find I'm feeling rather irritated; Jeff seems exhausted though I'm not sure why he's more tired than any usual Saturday, but when he gets like this it's like pulling teeth to get any response from him or any commitment one way or another; I also find I spent much of the day feeling annoyed by Josh, who is clearly testing limits and deliberately doing things after I ask him not to - which is fine, but I have no patience for that and he's not going to goad me into anger... I'm more likely to just stop dealing with him altogether; but I do wish we understood what his behavioral issues stem from so we could get him to stop being so obnoxious and rude

Daily Tarot Card: The King of Cups is wise, calm and infinitely patient. Deeply in touch with the waters of intuition and emotion, he is able to sense which way the currents are moving. He is a caring protector of his domain, and though he may not always appear active or organized to the outside perspective, his tolerance and understanding of others guides him well to make the choices that will cleanse the heart and keep the ways of communication open and clear. (My note: I sense from this card a bit of chastisement for not appreciating Jeff more, and perhaps the advice to defer to his wisdom, especially in the matters of Emily and Josh. On my part, I will need to find the patience to give him the time he needs to "tap into" that part of him that harbors his deeper wisdom, and perhaps take on a role of protector, too, to guard the space he may need to seek it.)

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:32am - 4:53pm
Moon: waxing crescent, aquarius (air/fixed)
Earth: cold all day, though slightly warmer than it has been, light fluffy snow falling

Thoughts: thinking about deity identity and the nature of group conflict and group coherence; thinking about good storytelling and the nature of good narrative; worried a little bit about Emily, considering we never did confront her about her threatening to keep Jeff from seeing the kids, and wondering if we're going to sit down and talk to the kids at some point this weekend about the wedding or not, or maybe put it off until next week

Actions: plugging away at work (received my first official paycheck today!); took some time in the middle of the day to go see "Voyage of the Dawn Treader" with Jeff; had a wonderful dinner and watches "Bones" and "The Office" tonight, both excellent episodes; posted to Wedding on the Edge; posted several times to the Lady of the Stars group and very much enjoying that group despite some of the tension over the past couple days

Connections: I hope work isn't making my brain duller, as I have to commit four to five hours four days a week to emptying the mind and just plugging away at the task; or perhaps this will be good for me, give my analytical mind a rest for a while and let things slip back into perspective; I have been more cheerful the past few days - looks like regular meditation and yoga is helping, especially switching the diary entries to the evening while still doing the meditation in the morning

Daily Tarot Card: The Knight of Pentacles has the patience and determination to commit to a particular goal and follow through, undaunted by distractions and temptations and served well by his cautious nature. He makes gradual but important progress; his motto could almost be "slow and steady wins the race." Undeterred by obstacles, his passion expresses itself in perseverance, unwavering devotion and loyalty and a work ethic that is unmatched in its diligence and concentration, though he may also sometimes seem to lack creativity or initiative. These more energetic traits are not what distinguish the Knight of Pentacles, but a willingness to plod along doing the hard and often unglamorous work that needs to be done in order to ensure success.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:31am - 4:53pm
Moon: waxing crescent, aquarius (air/fixed)
Earth: cold, though not as windy, mix of sun and snow all day

Thoughts: having to justify myself to readers and commenters on my blog about why requesting donations as expressions of support and appreciation for my writing doesn't make me "mercenary," while also accepting the gratitude and support being offered from others (a difficult balancing act, I do not want to tread anywhere near guilt-tripping); thinking about trolls and how detrimental they are to the atmosphere of online websites and blogs, how they can be so toxic to community coherence; otherwise, generally focused on work today (which was dull dull dull); checking in with the Lady of the Star Fire group to find an on-going conversation about deity identity which sparked some interesting dinner conversation for Jeff and me

Actions: got in a good chunk of contractor work today, though it was rather tedious and I felt somewhat unfocused; no yoga this morning, unfortunately; meditation tonight for Brigid; otherwise, plugging away, feeling good about the work

Connections: my ambivalence about blogging continues to waver back and forth, so that I'm not sure if I should be striving to help "be the change I wish to see" online, or just throw my hands up; I'm sure a balance is probably going to be the appropriate approach in the end

Daily Tarot Card: The World (XXI) is a card of connection, fulfillment and peace of mind, a weaving of the heart and mind, of intuition and action, creativity and receptivity, in ways that engage us deeply in all of the life and wonder that surrounds us in the great cycles and spirals of life, death and rebirth. We accept life as it comes, able to touch our grief and sorrows without being overwhelmed by them, able to dance and sing our joys, our passion and love without being carried away by them. This is the card of the beginning-in-the-end, the culmination and fulfillment that gives rise to new beginnings in the ever-spinning dance of the universe.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:30am - 4:53pm
Moon: waxing crescent, capricorn (earth/cardinal)
Earth: bitter cold but sunny all day, windy, snow falling like crystalline glitter tossed and shimmering in rays of light

Thoughts: figuring out how to deal with the heat issue; wondering about the prevalence of cups in my tarot readings recently; contemplating Brigid as Creatrix, Goddess of creation and creativity

Actions: dealing with Marty showing up relatively unannounced this morning to take a look at the furnace in the basement; meditation this morning and attempt at active imagination, but couldn't concentrate; spent all afternoon working on DOTR lesson 2, honoring the ancestors, researching the history of Lancaster and Allegheny counties and trying to think of all of the "ancestors of the spirit" who have influenced my path; posted part two of final blog post series; emailed Mike and Alta about family tree information

Connections: a "day off" in a real honest-to-goodness sense of no work, no kids and no guilt feelings over writing obligations, it felt nice to just spend the day digging deep into the ancestry research (and even then I feel that I barely scratched the surface, especially when it comes to my blood ancestors, the people I'm descended from)

Daily Tarot Card: The Eight of Pentacles represents the worker engaged in the dance and weave of the work, the activity of creativity manifesting in physical form, and the willingness to engage in the work with all of your skill, intellect and effort in order to experiment and, through the process of work itself, to discover new things. This is a card of both motivation and inspiration, a card of work coming to an end while the exploration continues and generates new ideas and skills to be turned towards new projects in the future. And always, the work is on-going and the product, in some ways, ephemeral, glistening suspended like a web on which the dew collects in tiny, shimmering stars. While we often think of the material world being the realm of the concrete and lasting forms giving expression to numinous spiritual realities, the physical realm itself is characterized by flux, change, evolution and the cycles of growth, decay and rebirth. Work always leads to work, a passionate engagement in the process itself gives its own pleasures and rewards.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:30am - 4:53pm
Moon: waxing crescent, capricorn (earth/cardinal)
Earth: windy and snowy all day, bitterly cold

Thoughts: stressing out about the PNC editorial meeting and finally making the decision to step down from the volunteer position; stressing out about the heat in the apartment being almost useless and trying to figure out a way to deal with that that won't cost us hundreds in wasted energy; stressed about Christmas/Solstice gifts; stressed about Dad telling me Mom feels left out of the wedding planning and not sure what to do about that when she's more interested in the small details and not in the stuff that actually needs to get done; stressed about finally announcing on the blog that I'll be going on "hiatus" and the fallout from that, which has been a lot of kind, supportive lip service (and friendly advice about how to monetize the blog and sell merchandise through CafePress); just, stressed in general

Actions: lots of work done today, including scheduling the final posts to go up on the blog; ran out to run errands during lunch and then after dinner; got a portable space heater to use that will hopefully help us deal with the heating problem (maybe Jeff can call about the heater tomorrow?); generally just ranted to Jeff about everything

Connections: I'm feeling exhausted and strung out, expected to make commitments to a ton of things that have no benefit to me and offer no support to my own work, let alone financial support; feeling very bitter about hypocrisy, but also really not wanting to let people down and kicking myself for berating myself and wishing I could just act selfishly (and it's not even all that selfish!) without feeling guilty; yet when it's just me and I sit down to just do the work I have to do, I feel really good about my productivity, and I feel engaged and accomplished and pleased with the work I'm doing (and that goes for paid work as well as unpaid writing work); so I just don't know anymore; this is a rough patch, I guess, is all

Daily Tarot Card: The Ace of Cups reassures that sometimes a withdrawal into dream and imagination is just the beginning, the first step towards greater depth, deeper connection and more intimate, authentic love for the self, for others and for life. This is the first drop of rain that soon becomes a storm, the first trickle from the spring that becomes a raging river. The first ripple that moves through the smooth surface of a still pond. The Ace of Cups is the gift of beginnings, the gift of discovering and entering into source, where our emotions and intuitions connect us into the greater flow of the world.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:29am - 4:53pm
Moon: new moon, sagittarius (fire/mutable)
Earth: sunny for now and very cold, snow likely later in the day

Thoughts: thinking about finish the blog post and putting it up, just to get it finished; thinking about the various things I want to get done today, including a few hours of work and some housecleaning, vacuuming and especially in the bathrooms; also thinking about updating the wedding blog; eventually having to deal with Emily, send some kind of email in response to her ranting at Jeff last night and threatening to not let him see the kids because she wasn't invited to the wedding

Actions: yoga this morning, a few hours or work, then break for lunch and some cleaning, then a few more hours of work, then dinner, see what my energy level is for finishing up the blog post and posting the first part; post to wedding blog as well (poem today); tonight do some meditative work with the aspects of Brigid as per the Lady of the Stars group stuff, see how that goes

Connections: mind running noisy again this morning, hard to focus; most of what's "on my mind" is noise and chatter, not many ideas to narrow in on other than a running list of what I need to get done today; need to figure out how to clear out the mental clutter to some extent, focus in on meditation and why it doesn't seem to be helping much

Daily Tarot Card: The Page of Cups is a card of (perhaps yet unrealized) potential for emotional depth and psychic abilities, dwelling in dream and imagination, reveling in a romantic, almost idealistic relationship to the world. There is some small risk of not having the maturity to manifest all of the self-realization and potential one is capable of, but there is also great promise held within this card. Pui-Mun Law writes, "The Page of Cups is sentimental. She is a true romantic at heart, and in a world that is filled with so much noise and bustle, she longs for the time and space to simply breathe and to truly take in the pleasures that abound."

(My note: Sound familiar? I'm thinking I may need to approach meditation in the mornings differently, perhaps delaying the diary entry until the evening and spending the morning time instead simply getting focused and quieting the mind. Also, for several nights in a row now I've had what seem to be vivid or intense dreams, though they're often hard to recall afterwards. They leave me with the impression of having witnessed a story. Perhaps this card is also a reminder, once again, to pursue some creative writing as an alternative to blogging. And to stop just talking about it and get my butt in gear.)

Daily Diary

Days of Note: New Moon (Star Frost Moon)

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:28am - 4:53pm
Moon: new moon, star frost moon, sagittarius (fire/mutable)
Earth: snowing all day, sometimes quite heavily, a good inch or so on the ground now, sun sometimes breaking low through the clouds in the afternoon

Thoughts: last night, struggled with some frustration and sadness over feeling ignored and unsupported in my writing, especially when it came to the blogging, but this morning woke up once again in a good mood; turns out, Emily had sent an email to Jeff saying she was hurt about not being invited to the wedding and not being "kept in the loop" on the plans (this was from a few days ago, Jeff hadn't seen the email until this morning), so we spent some time discussing how to respond and he sent an email response this morning asking for clarification on what exactly she was upset about and why (I suggested he point out that, since there was less than six months between when she and Jeremy announced they were engaged and then tied the knot, receiving our save the date card more than ten months in advance of our wedding should certainly count as "being in the loop" and planning ahead - but he decided not to include that because he didn't trust his memory, though I definitely remember because they made the announcement to us in late November/early December of last year when we met to discuss Savanah's schooling options, and they were married in early June); other than that, I've been brainstorming about a project to develop my own divination system of castings using natural objects, but I want to spend more time with the tarot before rushing off to a new system, especially since it's been working so well so far

Actions: yoga this morning, despite not really wanting to, but very glad I did since I've felt loose and energetic all day (the first day since starting up yoga again that I haven't been sore); then a nice breakfast with the kids, then a trip to Phipps where the younger two got to sit on Santa's lap and get a picture with him, and in general we had a very nice time; then back here for Savanah's Druidry lesson (write up coming later tonight or tomorrow); while Jeff dropped off the kids, I spent some time fiddling with blog layout and settings, trying to find one that looks classy to use for the wedding blog; probably just relaxing for the rest of the evening

Connections: as usual, my thoughts while the kids are here are dominated by Emily-related stress and complications, which is only to be expected; I find it's becoming easier and easier to laugh it off and move on to more important things, and to take her tantrums and tirades with a certain amount of grace and good humor; Savanah seems to be getting a lot out of her Druidry work and enjoying it, though she continues to act intimidated by the simple journaling questions we give her, which makes me wonder if she's being challenged by homeschooling (is she not doing enough independent work and thinking for herself? she just finished a big group project that involved researching lung cancer and building robots... how could that seem less daunting than asking her to journal about her favorite aspects of earth, air, fire and water? how much of that work was truly self-directed, and how much was helicopter-parent directed, I wonder?)

Daily Tarot Card: The Queen of Cups is a nexus of creativity and intuitive connection, a meeting and blending between the realm of the everyday ordinary and the depths of the unconscious. She enjoys a mature relationship with those around her while remaining open to the more mysterious currents of intuition and imagination, navigating the flux and chaos of unconscious forces as they play themselves out within herself and others. She seeks the wisdom of the ocean depths and the far-distant stars, and balances these with her own inner wisdom, acting in the world with deft emotional sensitivity and harmony to what goes on around her. What seem to be flights of fancy or missteps into potentially dangerous territory are, for her, paths of connection and creativity that she treads with trust and grace.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:27am - 4:53pm
Moon: new moon, sagittarius (fire/mutable)
Earth: cold, slightly cloudy, no snow but generally rather dim and wintery

Thoughts: feeling fatigued, worn out; mind wandering over various writing projects, potential fiction writing; also spending time on Facebook, thinking about "No Impact Man" and his backward philosophy of eco-friendly consumerism; reading some in the Plotkin book and contemplating elderhood and wisdom

Actions: a lazy day today; I'd planned to work a few more hours, but I'm feeling generally quite tired and drained, so I've just been poking around the house and spending some time online; my back and arm muscles feel sore from yoga, which probably just means I need to be doing it more consistently in the mornings to loosen up and build strength; the two oldest girls have some big homeschooling-related thing today, so they've been gone all morning and Jeff's taken the two littler ones to go to a presentation and then pick them up; afterwards, dinner and general quiet time (I hope), maybe a walk in the park or a nap

Connections: generally feeling worn out, so not sure of any connections; thoughts meandering, and I find that I have the desire to curl up with a good book for a while; wish there were more really good fiction books to read... which is what has me thinking about writing one myself (they always say write the book you want to read)

Daily Tarot Card: Once again, I draw the Page of Wands, but as I cut the deck, it seems to divide too easily, so that I wonder if the card itself has been bent in some way to make it more likely to draw. I do not see the relevance of the Page of Wands, bursting with enthusiasm and energy and the center of attention, and so I draw again. The Ten of Wands, a card of burden-bearing and perhaps taking on too much, trying to do everything, often the hard way and sometimes when not everything needs doing. A great weight rests on her back - I can only imagine she must feel as sore as I do right now. But still, I'm not satisfied with the reading, so I draw yet again: the Ace of Cups. A card of beginnings, fruitfulness and potential, the Ace of Cups overflows with love, emotion and connection, sending ripples out into the world and giving us a glimpse of our own intuition, imagination and creativity, source of our dreams and fantasies. I am reminded that today is my "Wellkeeping" shift - perhaps a good day to explore dream and fantasy through some creative work, relieved of the burden of new projects and old for a little while.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:26am - 4:54pm
Moon: waning crescent, scorpio (water/fixed)
Earth: cold and cloudy, below freezing and snow on and off again all day

Thoughts: thinking about the wedding and the beach, wanting to get into better shape and get a better handle on my diet, not that it's so bad, but it could be better; thinking about work and trying to get in another good chunk of hours today

Actions: got up early this morning and did yoga with Jeff; work for several hours in the morning, then lunch (maybe going out somewhere, as a treat?); then spend the afternoon working on Savanah's stuff for this week and trying to flesh out the rest of the outline

Connections: my mind feels chatty and a bit distracted today, but no real substantive thoughts occupying it; I suspect this might be at least in part due to a bit of poor sleep because of aching back and muscles; want to find a way to make sure my posture remains good throughout the day today; otherwise - actually looking forward to the weekend as a break from work

Daily Tarot Card: The Page of Wands plunges into action with child-like joy and enthusiasm, plenty of energy to spare. The card represents the urge to action, with straightforward eagerness and simplicity which can sweep others up in its energy and carry them along with her wit, charm, creativity and passion. She can be both forthright and innocent, and in this way she often finds herself the center of attention. She emphasizes action, taking the plunge and pushing yourself to your limits, perhaps even beyond.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:25am - 4:54pm
Moon: waning crescent, scorpio (water/fixed)
Earth: gray, on and off snow all day, the tiny, crystalline kind that looks like glitter in the air and hardly sticks

Thoughts: woke up around 4am and couldn't fall back asleep for about two hours, spent that time turning ideas for a novel over in my mind, brainstorming ideas until eventually I drifted back into sleep and dreaming; today, mostly focused on getting work done and meeting the challenges of mastering the software, worrying about being good enough and trying to speed up the learning curve for this new task they have me doing; now thinking over Raymond's letter and trying to think of a way to respond

Actions: slept in this morning, breakfast and then right to work, spent a god chunk of the day plugging away, break for lunch (amazed at the idiocy of the government, courtesy of the Daily Show); late afternoon, took a walk in the park briefly, then meditation; tonight, dinner and then doing some more unpacking and organizing the closet and dressers just like the past two nights (making good progress)

Connections: not much time for miscellaneous thought today, as the work task takes a lot of focus for long stretches at a time; most of what I did think about was directly related to increasing my efficiency and accuracy for work

Daily Tarot Card: The Eight of Wands indicates the end of one phase, but the restless energy and momentum that will carry you through to the next, drifting wild and free on the wind in keeping with your nature, following hope and enthusiasm towards the next task, the next project, the next possibility for setting down roots and undertaking yet a new phase of growth. A new day is dawning, and your concern is to do the right thing at the right time, to stay attuned to the shifts and currents in the winds, to follow through on your commitments and finish old projects so that you have the freedom to pursue new ones with all your attention and energy.

Daily Diary

Days of Note: First Snow

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:24am - 4:54pm
Moon: waning crescent, libra (air/cardinal)
Earth: cold and dim, first substantial snow of the season (sticking to the ground), supposed to snow all day for the next few days

Thoughts: feeling energetic and awake, almost too much so that I've had some trouble sleeping the past few nights; thinking about the Lady of the Stars ritual group and wanting to get back to the forum (also wanting to do nightly meditation work, I think, in addition to morning stuff); mind kind of rambling over many different things, including finishing the W&P article today and sending it off, and what my next contractor work project is going to be

Actions: yoga this morning; wedding wednesday today, which means printing up the labels to put on the Save the Dates, going out to the post office to mail the StDs, swinging by the bank (and grocery store), also possibly setting up some posts to the wedding blog; also, finish the intro and conclusion for the W&P article and email it to the editor; find out what my new project is for work and plunge in (get some substantial hours in over the next few days, before Ryan changes his mind again about what he wants me to be working on); also, want to take a walk in the woods with my camera sometime late this afternoon just before sunset

Connections: brain is just in slightly hyper mode, I guess, and I'm feeling very enthusiastic about things; it's nice to be (almost) out from under this article, especially knowing it'll actually bring in some money, and also to be almost out from under the blog, which will free me up to focus on contractor work for a little while and maybe some hands-on spiritual work like meditation, guitar, craft projects, things like that...

Daily Tarot Card: The Eight of Wands indicates the beginning of a long journey ahead, setting off on a new adventure as the old comes to a close. It is a card of energy, enthusiasm and hope which speeds us on our way, spinning through the world like seeds on the wind, eager to put down new roots and burst into bud and bloom. Old tasks will wrap up quickly, as our forward momentum carries us on to the next project or activity.