Daily Diary

Days of Note: New Year's Eve Day

Sun: capricorn (earth/cardinal), 7:43am - 5:03pm
Moon: waning crescent, sagittarius (fire/mutable)
Earth: quite mild and damp, almost in the 60s, rainy in the morning then sunny in the afternoon, smell of mud and damp earth, scent of moist spring in the air almost

Thoughts: mostly focused on work, especially in the morning, and trying to stay grounded in a relaxed, pleasant frame of mind; later in the afternoon, Jeff and I spent some time talking about the kids' education and the benefits of having trained teachers with lots of experience to give us feedback (which is something we don't really have now, with Emily just doing homeschooling); after the divination reading, we spent a lot of time talking about astrology and the meanings of the different houses and how they interact with each other; forgot to mention this the other day, I think - but I've been thinking more about maybe going back to grad school for a Masters or PhD, the University of Florida has a "Nature and Religion" program and the main professor there wrote the book my brother got me for Christmas, I "friended" him on FB and wrote to Nathan asking his opinion of the program (he says from what he knows it's a very reputable, solid program)... so that's been on my mind a bit the last few days, too, though I certainly can't pursue anything for the next few years

Actions: visit to Panera in the morning to get some work done, but unfortunately my stomach was off and uncomfortable, so we headed home for lunch; after lunch, a few more hours of contractor work, running into some frustration with a slow connection towards the end; before dinner, Jeff and I took a nice walk in the woods during twilight (found a stone for my end of Lesson 2 exercise); then dinner and an episode of Buffy (one that sparked some less than happy memories for Jeff that we then spent some time talking about - Buffy as therapy, oh yeah); then, I spent several hours doing a (fairly simple) New Years ritual thanking my gods and guides for their presence this past year and asking for their blessings and support in the year to come, as well as making offerings and pouring libations for them (in particular, Brigid Star-Fire), followed by an in-depth divination reading using tarot cards in the astrological spread (one card for each of the twelve houses), which took hours to interpret - and I'm still not done!

Connections: unfortunately, for most of the day my stomach was giving me problems and pangs, the "sour stomach" that feels like too much acid and not enough to digest; not sure why, but applesauce, bananas and tums seemed to help a bit; otherwise, trying to keep my negativity in check a bit and focus on the wonderful and beautiful aspects of my life, which is working really well; I feel more relaxed and free than I have been recently, and the ritual went really well, probably because it was so simple and improvised and I could just sit, center and speak from my heart

New Year Divination: 2011

I ask for guidance about the coming year, one card for each house. What can I expect during the year to come?

I lay down twelve cards, one for each of the astrological houses, beginning with the first house to the left and moving counter-clockwise around the central altar to the three realms.

The First House (Ascendant): The house of beginnings, our first reactions and immediate attitude to the external world around us; our personality, external characteristics, public persona and the first impressions we leave.

The Hierophant (V) — The priest and teacher of wisdom and ritual, the Hierophant represents our inner urge to seek meaning and craft meaningful, beautiful ways of living and moving in the world showing honor and without doing harm to others. He is a figure of tradition and ancient patterns rooted in the secrets of the earth and the ages. He brings the spiritual or religious urge into manifestation in the earthly realm through the careful cultivation and practice of ritual and rite, and through these he can reveal mysteries and great wisdom with patience and calm.

The Second House: The house of security, stability, property, wealth and income; our attitudes towards wealth and material possessions, and our financial fortunes and economic sense.

Ace of Wands — This card signifies a gift, the possibility of creativity, excitement and adventure, the first urge in a new direction which can be pursued with enthusiasm and energy. A card of beginnings, it may represent a threshold to be crossed, a new enterprise to undertake, or perhaps a challenge to be met with strength, intelligence and wit.

The Third House: The house of connection and communication through analytical and critical thinking, information exchange, news and publicity; practicality, trade and exchange, as well as brief contact and short, quick communications with others.

Three of Cups — This card signifies a time of celebration and joy in friendship and community with others. A moment to pause and appreciate the good work and good feeling that comes with initial success, to enjoy the moment with dance and song and other expressions of merriment and gratitude, while also knowing work still lies ahead as the process continues.

The Fourth House: The house of emotional comfort and inner security which provides a foundation, as well as our desire to care for and cherish others; thus, also tradition, family, ancestry and memories of our youth.

Nine of Wands — A card of vigilance and watchfulness, holding strength in reserve and holding true to that core of power and inner strength that we might not expect we have until we have been tested. This card urges us to be prepared and ever-ready, strong in our resolve to work through conflicts without losing our edge over time. But it also reminds us to keep an open mind and broad perspective, to rest secure in ourselves and not to go looking for conflict or to allow conflict to arise because we are too one-sided or belligerent.

The Fifth House: The house of pleasure, entertainment, play and love, as well as our creative impulses and our delight and inner satisfaction in our own productivity and activity; our desire to express ourselves and develop self-reliance.

The Hermit (IX) — The restlessness and yearning for solitude expresses itself in the Hermit, who follows his inner longing for deepening personal fulfillment, withdrawing from the sometimes harsh external world to seek the spiritual life within and the guidance and light it can give. The Hermit experiences the intensity of that calling to the inner life and embraces the depth and profundity of the greater whole. Though from the outside he may seem withdrawn, reserved or even passive, within he undertakes a journey of soul-longing to find his place in the greater whole and learn how to put this new understanding into practice.

The Sixth House: The house of everyday life, and the routine of work, diet, health and habit; our attitudes towards our work, its joys and frustrations, and our relationship with our physical bodies through the concrete daily tasks we engage in.

The Star (XVII) — The Star is a card of hope, renewal and peace. She dances, full of grace, gratitude and joy, among the shadows of the darkest night, welcoming the coming dawn with acceptance and appreciation as one who has released fear and discovered the inner guiding light that bestows self-confidence and poise. Within refreshing darkness, the Star cultivates the space to prepare and uplift the spirit, embracing all the potential we hold within and engaging creatively with what the future holds.

The Seventh House: The house of partnership and teamwork, our attitudes towards our partners, as well as our expectations and experiences of partnership; a need for harmony and balance, equilibrium and friendliness.

The Hanged Man (XII) — The Hanged Man signifies surrender and willing self-sacrifice, a well as emotional release and acceptance of the ups and downs, shadow and sun sides of life. The Hanged Man perseveres through difficulty and suffering not by resisting them or seeking to avoid them, but by resting in the secret, subtle knowledge within that he will survive, that his strength will endure and he will emerge from his experience wiser and more capable than before. This card is also one of shift and change, a reversal in perspective that may flip the world upside; the Hanged Man's center of gravity is not the mundane world of ordinary matters, but the deeper or "higher" gravity of the heavens, a spiritual sense that leads him to trust in and surrender to the greater patterns of the universe.

The Eighth House: The house of animal instinct, intuition and the unconscious, in particular how these express themselves in our attitudes and relationships; the urge to take risks and pursue creative tasks, as well as our fears and anxieties about our personal power and its expression.

Seven of Wands — This card has a paradoxical nature. On the one hand, it can represent the courage, faith and selflessness to take a stand to protect or fight for what we believe in and what's truly important; yet on the other hand, it may also indicate that our own actions and initiatives are the source or cause for the conflict we are experiencing. In both cases, this card encourages us to take heart and remember our strength, to be on our guard and tenacious in our striving, but also to be willing to adapt, to bend and sway with the changing winds.

The Ninth House: The house of expansive vision and ideals; a thirst for travel, as well as our attitudes towards higher education, philosophy, religion, spirituality and our sense of justice.

Eight of Cups — This card signifies the completion or resolution of an emotional situation, and a new resolution to go out seeking in new directions. It is a card that urges us to dive more deeply into the mysterious realms of our emotions and intuition, to follow our leading down into the depths and the dark where our vision may be softened and connections appear more fluid and smooth. The sharp lines and bright lights of the everyday mundane world might be left behind for a time, as we explore our emotional depths on a journey of personal discovery. Yet we may not be sure where this journey will lead us, or what we may encounter in the dark depths, and so insecurity or uncertainty may also be an aspect of this card's meaning.

The Tenth House: The house of demarcation, boundaries and social positions; our attitudes towards our place and function in the larger world and our desire to define our sense of self in relation to others.

Death (XIII) — This card signifies transition, change and transformation. A card of death and rebirth, it burns away the old patterns and ways of being, whether they are unhelpful, unhealthy or simply no longer serving their purpose. In their place, new ways of being and living emerge that open new possibilities and opportunities to us. If we cling to the old, we face stagnation and deadlock, and yet if we can embrace these changes we will discover ourselves renewed and transformed by the process. Still, death and change are not often easy, and each carries its own sorrows and griefs as well as amazing joys and ecstasies. So this card also encourages us to face the coming changes with courage and compassion, and a willingness to embrace our transformation and its difficulties as the purging forge fire that will ready us for a new life.

The Eleventh House: The house of friendship, camaraderie and equality; our urge to break down rigid boundaries and get to know others as equals on their own terms; our attitude towards friends and friendship and our desire to seek out like-minded others.

Page of Wands — This card represents childlike innocence and joy, especially the pleasure to be had in engaging with enthusiasm and energy in activities and new projects or initiatives. The Page of Wands is charismatic, witty and personable, forthright and outspoken and able to draw others to her with her excitement and youthful wonder and energy. This card is an urge to action, fresh and uncomplicated, especially activities engaged in for their own sake with no ulterior motives.

The Twelfth House: The house of deeper connection and union with life, expressed through or leading to mystic spirituality, artistic work, or social justice work; our oneness with life expressed by the unconscious in dreams, visions, symbols or sometimes the absorption of the personality into the collective, the masses.

Page of Cups — This card represents romanticism and a connection to the world of dreams, visions and fantasies. The Page of Cups, a romantic at heart, longs for the quiet, still space in which to simply breathe and enjoy the pleasures that surround her, to delve more deeply into her dreams and visions, and to listen more closely to the whisperings of her intuition and the inner wisdom of her unconscious. She is receptive and childlike, which may at times lead her into sentimentality, indulging in her emotions and dreams without acting on them, perhaps without even realizing that she can act on them. Yet there are unplumbed depths here, as well, held within the possibilities of the peace and tranquility of this card.

Daily Diary

Sun: capricorn (earth/cardinal), 7:43am - 5:02pm
Moon: waning crescent, scorpio (water/fixed)
Earth: chilly and wet, freezing rain most of the day leaving sheets of black ice everywhere

Thoughts: trying to relax and "go with the flow," give myself permission to have a holiday and not stress about work too much (especially not until I get my next check, since it's been incredibly long in coming); keeping in mind the tarot reading from yesterday about not dwelling too much on the negative and hardships, and instead appreciating what energies available; also trying to stay mindful of my energy levels and my connection to the earth and its energies; thought a lot about the various astrological meanings of what will be going on in the next few years

Actions: grocery store trip in the morning, followed by some time mid-morning working on a glass painting painting project to see how it would turn out (now letting it dry); leisurely lunch followed by a few hours of contractor work; before and after dinner, spent some time going through photographs for nice full-color seasonal pictures to go in the Pagan Calendar 2011, then spent time designing the cover for the calendar; while researching holidays to put in, Jeff discovered some interesting astrological goings-on, which spurred me to an investigation of what my planets and stars will be doing during 2011

Connections: the day ended up being quite productive, even though I had initially thought to relax and "take the day off"; this is pretty ironic considering the stuff I learned about ascendant and 6th house in astrology as it pertains to daily routines and schedules - I tend to plan for a steady, balanced day of calm and consistent work, and instead I get swept away by passions and energetic projects (that keep me up until midnight)

The Astrology of Me, New Year Edition

More insight from the stars about the coming year. Jeff says during 2011, Jupiter and Uranus move into my 6th House (Jupiter and Uranus do funky things for everyone this coming year, bringing intense energies with their conjunction, but which house they appear in will depend on each person's individual natal chart). What does this mean? Jeff explains:

Jupiter is kingship, power, will; Uranus is trickster, surprise, sudden collapse, anti-heirarchy.  The two together are like a trickster-king.  So imagine this trickster-king moving into your life in the realm of health, work, daily routine, etc. It could manifest in many different ways.

For Jeff, Jupiter and Uranus will be doing their star-studded dance in his 3rd house, "which is communications and mental activity. It might be a super-big project at work, some new relationship I [Jeff] have to navigate, or something."



He also sent me a link to a fascinating article, in which the author, Dana Gerhardt, discusses the effects of the 6th house in more detail. She writes:

The 6th refers to daily time and how we spend it. Here most of us defer to the cultural norm—which is to do time mechanically. We fill it with productive activity: We work. Most of us have no choice. This could indeed be the “bad fortune” the ancients were talking about! However, most of us would admit that working is not entirely bad. There is something in us that likes a regular structure in our days. Studies have shown that the most depressed individuals are not the ones who have nine-to-five jobs, but the ones who don't—the unemployed, the infirm, the retired—those who have nowhere to go and nothing to do. The ancients said that action-oriented Mars “joys” in this house. Our 6th house likes to be in motion.

Gerhardt goes on to explore how we can cope with and compensate for the heightened energies of the 6th house:

Merriman was suggesting that to balance the 6th, we should look to its opposing house, the 12th. This is the house belonging to the invisible world. It is Neptune’s territory. To keep Mercury’s efficiency in proper measure, we can evoke more Neptune—imagination, spirituality, the unconsciousness of dream. Just as our dreams carry images from our days, we might allow our days to remember images from our dreams.

Jung teaches there are two roots to psychological disease: the gods we forget to honor and the gods we overdo. Too much of Mercury’s “doing” without Neptune’s “floating in the empty spaces” makes "stress" a common 6th house syndrome. When Neptune is forgotten, this uninvited and quietly vengeful guest lies in wait, to throw us under his spell. Driving the freeway home, we suffer brief comas, waking up just minutes before the off-ramp arrives. We forget why we opened the refrigerator or entered the bedroom. Our bodies working like efficient machines, we go numb to the day. When we lose touch with our present, we fall prey to addictions. It's dishonored Neptune who puts the drink, the cigarette, the remote control in our hands.

She continues:

What I discovered was that most people move through the day in the style of their Ascendant. I’ve got Virgo rising, which means I adore planning, making schedules and lists. "An hour for Tibetan prayers, another for reading, then onto my work," I’ll tell myself. But then there are phone calls, emails to answer, the electrician who doesn’t come when he said he would. Aquarius is on my 6th house cusp. Aquarius more accurately describes the unpredictable rhythms that I meet. Despite my best intentions, my Virgo plans usually break down. If the chart describes one’s daily rhythm, its formula goes more like this: The Ascendant shows how you want the day to happen. The 6th describes how it actually does.

My Ascendant is in Libra, and my 6th house edge is in Aries. When I asked Jeff what this might mean for me, he explained that, "This means you want a measured day, balanced energies and all; but what you get is a day full of passion and energy that may sometimes careen out of control." That does sound like me. When I asked him about balancing my 6th house with my 12th, he continued:

You have a Libra 12th, with the Moon in it.  This means that your emotions often come from somewhere you can't identify - they arise and disappear rather mysteriously - but they're not random; they're direct connections with Spirit, which knows more about what's going on than you do.

He says that I tend to follow Gerhardt's advice quite well already. I may begin the day with a plan, but I hold it loosely and if emotionally I feel "called" to some other work, I usually follow that leading and go. Still, this has become an increasing struggle for me lately, and in some ways it's refreshing to have this interpretation of astrological events serving as both an affirmation of the patterns I've been perceiving, and a reminder about how best to handle these greater currents sweeping through my life.



How long can I expect this to go on? Jeff tells me:

Right now they're slowly approaching Aries. They're still in Pisces, but they're close to your 6th house and almost conjunct, so - yes, you should already be feeling the effects.

It's something rather long-term. Jupiter will be in your 6th house for about a year, and Uranus for several years. There will probably be a lot of the energy this year, especially in the spring, and then as Jupiter moves on past Uranus things will settle down.

More specifically:

Jupiter enters your 6th house on Feb 2nd.  Uranus will enter your 6th house right around the middle of April.  ...  Actually, now that I look at the actual dates, it looks like the influence is probably strongest very soon:  Tuesday of next week!  After that, Jupiter moves very fast and leaves Uranus behind, and by May Jupiter is already on to your 7th house.  So...  as far as Jupiter is concerned, not such a long-term thing.

Uranus will stick around for a few years, but its main effect will just be to make your daily schedule unpredictable.  Uranus in the 6th house can indicate major health issues, but usually only in people who have other major problems (like high stress or whatever).

Daily Diary

Sun: capricorn (earth/cardinal), 7:43am - 5:02pm
Moon: waning crescent, scorpio (water/fixed)
Earth: the high was actually above freezing today, with steady sun and clear skies and not too much wind, all in all a pretty nice day

Thoughts: a bit of restlessness to start out the day, but things got better; brainstorming about wedding plans and wedding-related to do lists, as well as some of the deeper symbolic meanings of the wedding ceremony itself and reflecting on how our Paganism will (potentially) reflect in the wedding; otherwise, felt fairly focused today with few freak-outs, which is nice

Actions: this morning, spent some time working on "Wedding Wednesday" stuff in preparation for our trip to the Wedding Expo next week; got in touch with the officiant to set up a time to meet in person; figured out our schedule for the long weekend and worked with Jeff to book our hotel room (at a big discount due to a wedding expo special, and we were able to get a suite with kitchenette which means cooking in the room and saving lots of money on eating out - yay!); looked over the budget to get an idea of how we're doing (not bad, I think); in the afternoon, spent time writing a post for the wedding blog, which quickly eventually blossomed into more-than-one post (still not finished the second part, but almost there, hopefully to post tomorrow)

Connections: felt like I got a lot done today with very little distraction; feeling the best about the writing and kinda wish I could whittle down my responsibilities so that on any given day, after my contractor work, I could spend the rest of my time working on my writing; but to do that, I'll have to first finally get the apartment how I like it (only a few rooms to go) and stay more on top of this wedding planning stuff; all in all, though, I think things are going really well and I made it through the holiday stress without too much freaking out; now for recovery time, for which regular work is actually quite enjoyable; I find myself really looking forward to putting in some solid hours tomorrow and for the rest of the week so that, come next week, I can take a few days off in a row to enjoy the expo without worrying about my hours

Daily Tarot Card: After drawing a card I have had several times before, I decided to draw several more for clarification, and also as a transition into deeper insight into the cards and practice doing multi-card spreads.

The Ace of Cups I drew first, and placed in the center. This is a card of beginnings, a gladness and enjoyment that results from a happy emotional alignment or orientation and being more deeply connected to our emotions and intuition. It offers the gift of withdrawal into dream and imagination, where we can foster and nurture healthy connections and emotional bonds both with others and with our own deeper selves.

I cut the deck again, and drew the Five of Cups, which I placed in the center directly below the Ace of Cups. Recognizing once again that the Five of Cups is a card I've drawn before, I drew two more cards from the top of the deck (without cutting), placing the first to the left and the second to the right of the Five of Cups, so that the three made a line above which the Ace of Cups rested in the center. The card to the left was the Six of Swords, and the card to the right was the Five of Wands.

The Five of Cups is a card of sorrow, grief and loss. Dreams have been set loose and have passed beyond our control, and we are left to wait and wonder what will become of them, and of us. Our journey has been difficult and sometimes painful, with many mistakes and regrets along the way. We may have a tendency to focus overly much on these causes for grief, and feel the pain acutely, even reveling in its sensuality to some degree. But there is also hope, and a chance for change and movement - some of our cups have not yet overturned, and offer us the gift of healing and emotional renewal. What is required of us is a reorientation, a new perspective and a more stubborn optimism and gratitude about those resources still readily available to us, instead of wallowing in our grief and misery.

The Six of Swords represents a journey through difficulty and challenge, overcoming strife and uncertainty as we struggle towards a new horizon and the possibilities it promises. The journey itself may be a hard one for us, or it may be a time of rest and recovery from the strains of the world that have left us feeling weakened and drained. Either way, we travel into the uncertain future that promises hope and renewal. Still, the card holds a warning as well, cautioning us against carrying with us the same harmful or unhealthy thought patterns that have caused us difficulty and sorrow in the past.

The Five of Wands is a card of playful combativeness and conflict, of energy and activity in a blur of motion and barely contained chaos. Sometimes, this card can feel like swimming against the tide, a thousand small obstacles piling up to create an unending barrage of difficulties and challenges that threaten to overwhelm us. At the same time, these challenges can be invigorating, energizing and motivating us to rise to the occasion, overcome whatever challenges we face and, in the process, discover new skills and new sources of potential that we hadn't expected or anticipated. Though the card carries a caution against allowing trivial matters to pile up or escalate into serious or dangerous conflict, it is also a card of movement and change that can bring about success and renewal.

Visually, the layout of this spread raises some interesting insights. The four cards are spread in a kind of wide-based pyramid, with the Ace of Cups at the apex and the three cards (from left to right: Six of Swords, Five of Cups, Five of Wands) forming the base.

The two cards on either end of the base both contain figures dressed in white who are journeying towards the upper center of the spread, almost pointing at the Ace of Cups itself. The figure riding the swan's back in the Six of Swords moves from left to right, rising above the swords and stormcrows below him. The figure in the Five of Wands charges from right to left, leaping over the swarm of foxes and dodging the staffs placed in his way. Both of these bookend cards, in addition to having journeying figures in white, also contain long, upright tools or weapons (staffs or swords) as well as a flock or pack of animals (foxes or stormcrows) perched in and about them, which the figure must rise above. These may represent circumstances of difficulty that are stagnant or unchanging (or seem to be), planted firmly in the ground and appearing almost like bars on a jail cell or the poles of a fence or wall. The animals - dark in one card, bright and fiery in the other - may represent uncontrolled or wild animal instincts, emotional reactions or even thought patterns that have taken on "a life of their own" and no longer seem to be helpful but have instead become a hindrance or a symbol of the figures' difficulties and obstacles. In neither case, however, are these animals actively trying to hinder the figure in any personal way - simply their existence can be a challenge, but they are not out to get the figure in any way, and so the challenges they (re)present are things he can "rise above" (literally or figuratively).

Both figures seem to be moving, within the spread, through their difficulties and towards the center cards - but more specifically, upwards towards the Ace of Cups. The center card in the bottom row, the Five of Cups, is one of sorrow and regret, grief over what has been lost or the failures and difficulties one has seen. The figure is still, head bent down towards the overturned or half-emptied cups around her. She faces to the left, towards the Six of Swords card, with her back to the right and the Five of Wands, and head turned down so that she cannot possibly see the Ace of Cups above her. This layout suggests a focus on the difficulties of the journey that have brought her to this place, and perhaps too much focus on her own weakness and fatigue (as shown in the Six of Swords), while ignoring the stamina, energy and resourcefulness (represented by the Five of Wands) that have brought her this far. Most importantly, she does not raise her head to look around her and see what opportunities and gifts are still available to her and, in fact, continually being offered. The ocean seems to carry all her dreams and hopes away from her as she stands on the desolate shore, and yet she does not recognize the source of this vast ocean and its potential to offer support, insight and emotional depth to her as well.

Yet this spread suggests that, once grief and sorrow are acknowledged and moved through, the journey of the two outer cards will continue, leading eventually and at last to the Ace of Cups, a place of generosity and renewal especially of an emotional (and intuitive or imaginative) kind. The figures do not face the center, but a more dynamic direction "upwards," with their eyes firmly fixed on the Ace of Cups as the goal. The journey may involve grief and regret to some extent, but keeping things in perspective and moving through this emotionally "troubled water" with the same willingness and energy will resolve eventually in obtaining to the gift that the Ace of Cups offers: renewal, reflection, self-knowledge and deeper connection. Here, the animals in this card (a school of fish) swirl and dance around the spiraling, overflowing waters of the cup, presenting glittering symbols of beauty and good luck, instead of the strife and conflict of the animals in the other cards (or the absence of animals as primary actors in the center Five of Cups card).

All this says to me that I am in the midst of a journey, a period of transition that may be difficult and sometimes a bit of a struggle. I can choose to focus on that struggle and how tired and vulnerable it can sometimes make me feel, or I can value the energy and creativity that I can bring to the journey, and keep my eyes firmly on the many reasons to remain grateful and optimistic about my circumstances. If I do the latter, I may find that the gift for such gratitude and optimism, and the blessing of perspective, will eventually lead to a period of renewal and deeper insight and creativity, as well as more authentic connection and harmonious emotional relationship. (Let's hope that's right!)

Daily Diary

Sun: capricorn (earth/cardinal), 7:42am - 5:01pm
Moon: last quarter, libra (air/cardinal)
Earth: not as cold as it has been lately, with winds bringing slightly warmer air (though not much warmer), otherwise clear and sunny

Thoughts: Mercury retrograde in full swing today, ugh; thinking about drawing strength from the earth and keeping the pathways of energy open (to help with my fatigue some); getting quite frustrated over the stupidity of banks and how huge institutions can consistently screw over individuals

Actions: meditated some this morning, got in an hour or so of contractor work, with the intention of spending much of the day cleaning and organizing, especially the upstairs closet and bedroom; after lunch, swung by the bank to deposit the gift money and then headed to IKEA for the bookcases (a Christmas present from my parents); turns out, the card was declined because, though I had more than enough at the time I deposited the check (not even counting the hold they would put on the check itself), because I got some cash back from the deposit, instead of taking it from the check, they withdrew it from my account, leaving me only a few dollars short; luckily, I'd canceled my overdraft "protection" and so it only declined my card, instead of causing a cascading overdraft fee like they did the last time; so no bookcases today, and a very frustrating trip that brought up once again how much I hate dealing with banks and their f'ing greed (so for the next several days, that gift money will just exist in la-la land, in neither my account nor my parents', while the bank sits with its thumb up its ass, even though they could easily know immediately whether or not the check would bounce, considering we live in the internet age of instant money exchange (and Jeff's bank lets him deposit checks immediately), but they intentionally delay it hoping people will screw up and bounce the check or overdraw their accounts so they can get hit with a fee - makes me fucking angry); got home and relaxed some, then spent the afternoon organizing the closet upstairs and tossing a bunch of expired creams and other toiletries, so things are much better organized now and we have more shelf space; then dinner with Jeff and watching some Buffy on hulu.com

Connections: feeling incredibly tired and frustrated by today's bank stupidity (did I mention I really fucking hate how greedy and controlling banks are, and also how frustrating it is to work as a contractor and have to wait forever for my manager to submit my invoice - I've been working as a contractor for a month and a half now and have only received one check, from my very first week when I barely had any hours, because everyone's been too busy to process my invoices... it's nice to know the money is coming, but it sure isn't as convenient as earning cash that gets deposited right away without three f'ing week delays); so, needless to say, emotional roller-coaster today as I try to cope with feeling money anxiety which is only partly due to this new job causing delays in getting paid, and partly to do with how much money I seem to be spending on kids who aren't even mine because their mom keeps racking up bills that she expects Jeff to step in and pay, and how frustrating it is for me to feel like I have no control over that; if I were still living by myself, I could simply make the choices necessary to spend less, and handle a tight budget; but with these kids, so used to never having their mom think twice about throwing money around, they can act like real brats sometimes if we explain that doing this or that costs too much; but again, that's also me just projecting my feelings of helplessness and anger onto an easy target and I'm probably angrier about it than I really should be; anyway, it was good to get the closet organized and see.... just how little we actually own; every time I do major cleaning, I'm both gratified and annoyed by the irony of how little Jeff and I actually manage to live on; sometimes I think we keep our messes around just so we don't have to look at our depressingly empty closets (but then, I really don't like mess and clutter, so I'd rather embrace the half-empty closet, I think);

Catch Up: since I skipped few days, let me give you the rundown: Sunday, December 26 - slept in till about 7:30am in the hotel room, then got up and grabbed a continental breakfast, swung by my parents' one last time to say goodbye then got on the road to DC; hung out in Starbucks in Greenbelt until Melanie was out of church, then she met us there and we all headed back to her place (which is adorable) where we sat around chatting and sharing family pictures and catching up over appetizers and then lunch; after lunch (which was delicious homemade stuff that I can't even remember the name of), Jeff and I went for a bit of a walk around the neighborhood (while it snowed beautifully, though the wind was already starting to pick up then); once we got back, we went a few doors down to visit Melanie's friend, Jeanette, who is just the most amazing woman doing all sorts of traveling now that she's retired; when we got back from that, Biff had called and so Melanie got in touch with him and we agreed he'd come over to Melanie's for a gift exchange and then we'd all go out to a diner for some (late) dinner; meanwhile, Jeff and I checked in at the hotel that Melanie had kindly booked for us; we got back before Biff arrived, then all four of us sat around talking and sharing more pictures and joking about the kids and everything; we exchanged gifts (I think both M and B liked the daybook calendars we made for them, and they also both seemed to like the books we got them, though they were only slim ones each; Melanie got us some lovely hand-sewn potholders and a sandalwood candle, along with some temporary tattoos that I think the kids will really get a kick out of); eventually, we headed out to the diner, but it was closed due to "horrid weather"; eventually, we wound up at an IHOP close to midnight, by which time Jeff and I were practically zombies; Monday, December 27 - we finally made it back to the hotel around 1:30am and went to sleep, slept in till a little before 9am, treated ourselves to Dunkin Donuts for breakfast and swung by the REI camping equipment store which was just down the road; we talked a lot about things we might like to put on the wedding gift registry, and how practical it would be to go camping for our honeymoon (and if we can somehow do a registry with REI through Jeff's membership, so that gifts bought there also pay into his dividends (as well as helping a co-op nonprofit), so it'd be like the gift that keeps on giving - have to look into that sometime soon, as well as look through the comparison info sheets we picked up there; then we got on the road to drive back; it was an incredibly long and wearying drive because of tremendous wind gusts buffeting the car the entire drive (though I got a lot of reading down in the book my brother got me for Christmas, Taylor's Dark Green Religion); we finally pulled into Pittsburgh around 5pm (it took about two hours longer than we anticipated to drive back); we brought everything in from the car and pretty much collapsed from fatigue; had a simple dinner and went to bed early; I think that pretty much brings us up to date

Daily Tarot Card: The Eight of Swords is a card that warns of restriction and entrapment, painful bonds that stifle and cut against our struggle to escape. Arrogance and might cannot free us from the restrictions of our current circumstances, but still there is hope and movement in this card as well - the possibility of seeking help from others, and of calming ourselves, seeking our still center and breathing deeply, reconnecting with the freedom within us that nothing can hinder or steal. We might think of the Eight of Swords as a kind of Chinese Finger Trap: the more we struggle and try to force a change in our circumstances, the more we become entrenched in unhelpful and unhealthy thought patterns and behavioral habits. But by remembering that we are still free and able to seek out those who can give us aid, we can calmly and gently take just the right action, using exactly the appropriate amount of effort and energy needed.

Daily Diary

Days of Note: Christmas Day

Sun: capricorn (earth/cardinal), 7:21am - 4:41pm (Lancaster time)
Moon: waning gibbous, virgo (earth/mutable)
Earth: cold, clear, still rather windy but not as bad, very dry

Thoughts: last night at mass and afterwards, just generally fighting tiredness and a bit of boredom (this year's homily not as good or coherent as last year's); nothing much on the mind today except fatigue and sleep-deprivation, the brain feeling sluggish after not much sleep; talked over dinner about some dreams of trips out West and camping (getting me all psyched to do some research into camping supplies so that we can put that stuff, instead of house stuff we don't need, on the wedding registry)

Actions: attended midnight Mass at my old Catholic church, came home and exchanged presents while drinking mint tea, as per family tradition; went to bed about 3am and slept in quite a bit; in the morning, Dad made french toast for breakfast as we lounged around (and opened stocking stuffers); then Jeff and I retreated to my old room to nap and read on and off until mid-afternoon; mid-afternoon, we packed up everything, consolidated gifts (wrapped the gifts for Melanie and Biff), loaded up the car and went to check into the hotel - went to the wrong hotel because we assumed it was the same one as last year, but it was actually the nicer one across the street where we got a great discount on a really nice suite complete with stocked kitchen and living room area (which, if we'd known it was such a deal on such a good room, we would have sprung for the extra night, but oh well); relaxed around the hotel room for a bit until Dad called to say it was time for dinner, then headed back to my parents' house for Christmas dinner and dessert, then back to the hotel

Connections: feeling very worn out and tired, and kind of sluggish; never did get into the "Christmas spirit" and feeling a bit disappointed (and guilty for feeling disappointed) that neither of the two things I actually asked for arrived in time for Christmas this year, and otherwise my mom got me some very nice handcrafted home decor items that will probably have to stay in their boxes because of an overly frisky cat (at least for a while longer, until we get more shelves up and Cu settles down a bit more as he gets older), and yet I always love books as gifts and hardly got any this year (because Mom thinks that's a boring gift) - ah well.... the homemade gifts we got for my parents and brother seemed to go over well, at least (though I plan to keep working on mine until I can send them nicer versions)

(Note: No tarot card reading tonight, either. I'm feeling exhausted, and also I forgot my tarot books back home, so I think I'll be waiting on returning to the daily readings until we're back in Pittsburgh.)

Daily Diary

Days of Note: Christmas Eve Day

Sun: capricorn (earth/cardinal), 7:20am - 4:40pm (Lancaster time)
Moon: waning gibbous, leo (fire/fixed)
Earth: cold, cold, cold, windy, clear

Thoughts: thinking a bit about creative writing and tossing around potential story ideas, exploring characters and thinking about the nature of creative writing; spent some time talking politics with Dad (but not much) and thinking about "Law of Attraction" stuff with Jeff for an article he's working on

Actions: slept in a bit, headed to Panera in the morning to get some contractor work done, spent the afternoon at my parents' house hanging around with Jeff, mostly in my old room away from the TV; got some reading done, some napping; wrapped presents mid-afternoon; had dinner with the family and then some more hanging out in my room, some creative writing (started a short story that might turn into something after being inspired by Orson Scott Card's book on fiction writing); took a quick shower and got ready for midnight Mass at church (although we didn't get to bed until about 3am, I'll leave that for the following day's diary entry)

Connections: mostly just resting and enjoying having nothing much to do; gave up on trying to get too much work done, considering how noisy it was in Panera, but still got a nice number of hours in for the last two weeks, which is excellent

(Note: This post was backdated.)

Daily Diary

Days of Note: driving to Lancaster to visit the family

Sun: capricorn (earth/cardinal), 7:41am - 4:58pm
Moon: *waning gibbous, leo (fire/fixed)
Earth: snowy and messy in Pittsburgh, clearing to bright sun in Lancaster

Thoughts: discussing fiction writing and strategy with Jeff a lot, as well as blogging as a medium and why there is so much hostility in response to critiques of the current approach to reader involvement and commenting policy (gods am I sick of this discussion); in the drive to Lancaster, discussed a bit with Jeff about feeling so much pressure to always be "go! go! go!" all the time and how it's partly connected to the kids, I think, and this idea that in order to count as an "adult" and a "real" stepmom I have to be constantly working and driving myself into the ground (or the kids themselves will demand more, simply because of the expectations of constant busyness they're used to from their mom)

Actions: up early in the morning and got on the road to Lancaster; during the drive, read Jeff the beginning of the novel manuscript I started several years ago to get his opinion on it; had a pizza lunch and hung out with the family in the afternoon (watched "Ancient Aliens" show on the History Channel and napped on the couch); then headed to Long Wood Gardens to see the lights and the conservatory, had dinner in their restaurant and then drove back home

Connections: completely wiped out and exhausted, so just hanging around was enjoyable, and Jeff and I went to be fairly early after reading a bit; again, I feel anxious (a) to indulge in some deeper thinking and analytical thought than what time is affording me at the moment and (b) to indulge in some imaginative creative writing and fiction stuff, though again, I feel under such pressure time-wise; not sure how to balance this; sometimes I want to just step away on a retreat of some kind without having the kids (un)intentionally guilt tripping me for not paying them tons of attention; yesterday, it was impossible to try to get any contractor work done without one of the kids stepping in to ask questions every ten to twenty minutes (which makes me think they don't have a very good example of a work-from-home parent who expects quiet and unbroken concentration) - which is especially odd since they came to me instead of going to Jeff, who was available and not busy trying to do something else; all in all, I'm happy to be away from all that for a few days, even if it means being here with my parents and having a different kind of stress to deal with

(Note: This post was backdated.)

Daily Diary

Sun: capricorn (earth/cardinal), 7:40am - 4:57pm
Moon: *full moon, cancer (water/cardinal)
Earth: cold, blustery, snow flurries

Thoughts: discussing issues of romanticizing poverty and mental illness in fantasy/sci-fi fiction and getting into some thoughts on writing good fiction; otherwise, mostly focused on work and trying to get everything done

Actions: work several hours in the morning and afternoon; just before and after lunch, helping the kids finish their craft project ornaments; after Jeff dropped the kids off, spending time cleaning, doing laundry, getting the house ready and packing our bags to be ready to leave

Connections: mostly my focus has been on simply getting things done and plugging away at particular tasks, or when I'm not doing that, trying to plan the best, most efficient way to accomplish everything; I worry sometimes that my brain will go soft if I don't have the time to do some deep analytical thinking in the midst of all of this....

(Note: This post was backdated.)

Daily Diary

Days of Note: Full Moon, Full Lunar Eclipse, Winter Solstice, Alban Arthuan

Sun: cusp of capricorn (earth/cardinal), 7:40am - 4:57pm, solstice, longest night
Moon: *full moon, cancer (water/cardinal), full lunar eclipse (early this morning)
Earth: cloudy this morning clearing to sunny and just below freezing

Thoughts: mostly thinking about how the kids were enjoying their solstice and what was next on the agenda; some thoughts on money, since we flubbed a bit on who was paying for what and so had to swing by the bank at one point, but feeling overall quite confident about the situation

Actions: alarm went off a 2am so that Jeff could check and see if we'd be able to see the lunar eclipse through the cloud cover, but unfortunately it was too cloudy to see anything, so we went back to bed and let the kids sleep through the night; woke the kids up around 7am to get dressed and ready to trek to the park to greet the rising sun, brought along our bird seed "ornaments" and garlands of popcorn, and hung them from the trees at the top of the hill while singing songs to the new sun; returned home to open presents - all of which were a big hit, but especially (Grandma) Lannie's big stuffed bears for everyone; after presents, we swung by the bank real quick for cash, then headed to Pamela's for a Solstice Brunch, which everyone thoroughly enjoyed; after that, we headed out to B&N for the kids to use their gift cards, along with the gift cards from Lannie last year that had been lost and then recovered, so the kids ended up being able to get tons of books and crafts that they picked out; we spent the rest of the afternoon reading and/or doing the crafts and games they'd got, or playing with their bears, or sketching with their new colored pencils and sketch pad (meanwhile, after a short nap with Jeff, I helped the kids do the next step in their ornament craft projects so they'll be ready tomorrow); early evening, we ordered pizza for a special Solstice Pizza Party (and made Josh's frozen pizza sans corn), then everyone changed into pajamas and we had our nightly reading of Lord of the Rings before finally going to bed

Connections: I'm exhausted, but I'm very glad the kids had such an excellent holiday; I really feel as though these past few days with the kids have given us a chance to "bond" (as corny as that sounds) and get to know each other better; I know we've had them for weeks at a time in the past, but often during those weeks I've had to work, whereas now I can work from home and squeeze in a few hours here and there, while still spending time with the kids during big chunks of the day (tomorrow will be a lots-of-work day for me, though, so I can get in some hours this week while still being able to take Christmas off with the family); I took lots of pictures, so eventually they'll make their way onto here

Daily Tarot Card: The Devil (XV) is a card of temptation and addiction, the pursuit of pleasures at the expense of others and the ensnarement of willing souls in the bondage of materialism and overindulgence. Yet at the same time, the instinct to self-presevation and self-protection that can lead us mistakenly into greed and defensiveness can at other times be an appropriate and necessary response that will help us survive during difficult times when otherwise our sense of self might be threatened or overwhelmed by external forces. The figure in the card hunches over and huddles cold and alone, harassed by the dancing devil above - yet the key to freedom is within reach.

(My note: I was ensure what this card had to do with anything, so I drew a clarification card, especially since I've skipped my daily tarot two nights in a row.)

The Five of Pentacles is a card of disconnection and difficulty, in some ways indicating a spiritual or possibly material poverty, and a insufficient attention to the signs and messages of both one's physical body and one's inner world of soul and heart. Indications of hope and help may go unheeded or unappreciated, though they exist all around. As in the card of The Devil, the figure in the Five of Cups sits hunched over and huddled into herself, willfully blind to the opportunities and beauties all around. Yet there is always a chance for renewal and reconnection, especially if we are willing to let go of unhealthy or unhelpful patterns, re-center ourselves and turn our attention and attending once again to the integrity of the inner and outer worlds.

(My note: I am not sure what these cards may indicate, except perhaps that I really pushed myself to the point of exhaustion today and set aside concerns of mental and physical health - like eating well - for the sake of "enjoying the holiday with the kids." I may have to meditate more on what these cards indicate, or discuss them with Jeff. Or perhaps just seek some rest and relaxation over the next few days and remember to turn my attention again to my goddess and my spiritual work.)

Daily Diary

Days of Note: Solstice Eve Day

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:39am - 4:56pm
Moon: **full moon, gemini (air/mutable)
Earth: cloudy all day with snow flurries, very cold

Thoughts: this morning, spent some time discussing with Jeff about whether or not to confront Emily, but came to no real conclusions about what the right thing to do is; mostly thinking about Solstice and our schedule with the kids and how to keep everything on track and running smoothly; finally getting into some "yuletide spirit"

Actions: breakfast with the kids, followed by a few hours of contractor work (while Jeff made popcorn and helped the kids with popcorn and cranberry garlands and birdseed ornaments for our greeting of the new born solstice sun at dawn tomorrow); lunch, followed by me taking some time to write up Savanah's Druidry lesson for the week and gather some supplies (this week we talked about altars, so Jeff and I had a "show and tell" time); then Savanah's lesson; I squeezed in a bit more contractor work while Jeff made an early dinner, then we all we out to Phipps to see the greenhouse at night with all the light displays; when we got home, we did a Winter Solstice meditation with the kids by candlelight, then sent the kids to bed; after they were asleep, finished wrapping presents and putting on tags and bows, then dragged up the boxes of Christmas decorations and set up everything in the dining room as a surprise for the kids in the morning (since we hadn't put up any decorations before that, because of the cat and a lack of time), but we draped garlands around the windows and put a garland and a fancy tree skirt around the miniature rosemary "tree" in the center of the table, surrounded by presents (Lannie's presents we set up sitting in each of the kids' respective seats at the table so they look like weird bodies in colored body bags who've all reanimated and decided to play poker - it looks so marvelously bizarre and creepy! pictures, of course, to follow); now, Jeff made us mint tea to have with some holiday cookies, since now we're the grown ups who get to have Santa's cookies! o, also, I forgot - received and opened a holiday card from my parents, as well as a gift from a reader who is a craftsman on Etsy, a beautiful leather-bound journal with acorn charm that she made herself and almost brought me to tears of gratitude that a reader could be so kind - I will definitely be sending her a thank you note (and pictures to follow, plus a thank you going up on Meadowsweet)

Connections: mostly looking forward to Solstice and the lunar eclipse tonight (tomorrow morning, technically) and trying to enjoy the day despite being quite busy; it was nice being able to take a few hours to get some work done and feeling productive even with having the kids this week; I think Jeff really enjoyed making the bird seed ornaments with them, and came up with some very creative solutions since our attempts last year were less than stellar; so all in all, I'm feeling calm and integrated and finally able to relax enough to enjoy the coming holidays

No daily tarot card tonight.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:39am - 4:56pm
Moon: *waxing gibbous, gemini (air/mutable)
Earth: cold and cloudy most of the day, with snow flurries on and off

Thoughts: generally worn from yesterday's confrontations; scheduling with my dad regarding family holiday time and going to Long Wood Gardens over Christmas; talked to my dad about Emily's latest stuff and how rough it's been on Jeff and me emotionally to cope with worries of the kids being suspicious or distrusting of us because of her behavior; thinking about Pagan+Politics (which Jeff is signing up to write for, now) and the medium of blogging and dealing with commenters and trolls; talked a little bit with Jeff about fiction writing and character development

Actions: slept in pretty late, had a late brunch; talked to my dad on the phone when he called; started the craft project with the kids; got some contractor work in while the kids went with Jeff to the library and again in the evening after dinner; finished reading the Plotkin book and spent some time reading a few de Lint stories (some of which are awful, and some are okay)

Connections: we're trying to take things easy and not get incredibly stressed out over the next few days; not much else to say about it

(Note: This post was finished the following morning and backdated. No daily tarot card, unfortunately.)

Daily Diary

Days of Note: DOTR Alban Arthuan ritual celebration, formal dedication as an aspirant with the Order

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:38am - 4:55pm
Moon: *waxing gibbous, taurus (earth/fixed)
Earth: very cold all day, though fairly sunny except a few scattered clouds

Thoughts: mostly my thoughts centered around Emily's latest issue (sitting the kids down to tell them Jeff and I are liars who were asking her to lie, and then calling Jeff on the phone to let him know) and how to deal with it, what to say to the kids and how it would play out over this weekend; also some focus on the DOTR ritual tonight taking place down in Georgia, and Bob's suggestion that I spend some time in meditation while the ritual was going on in order to connect with the energies and intentions raised to formally welcome me as an aspirant into the Order

Actions: several hours of contractor work today (at both the library and back home); swinging by the store to pick up some supplies that they didn't have at the other grocery store last night (for instance, cranberries for the garlands for the birds); wrote an email response to Emily and Jeremy after hearing from Jeff about this latest development; after I finished work for the day, Jeff and I sat down with each of the kids in turn and had conversations with them about what it was Emily told them and what they thought of the whole thing, giving them a chance to ask us questions and raise concerns; during dinner prep, took some time to check how the crafts turned out (still not as good as I was expecting and I can't figure out why); then conversation over dinner with the kids; spent time in meditation and divination during a ritual to connect with and honor DOTR's Mother Grove doing their Alban Arthuan ritual tonight and welcoming me and a few others as aspirants to the Order, plus a few people who've completed the Nine Lessons and become full members

Connections: an emotionally exhausting day, and I simply don't know what to think of our conversations with the kids about Emily's behavior; I think the three younger kids understood why we hadn't told them about our arguments with Emily before, and forgave us for our good intentions in trying to protect them from problems that weren't theirs to solve; Savanah - I don't know, she's becoming ever more the adolescent and has both a reticence and an edge to her that, combined, can really put a person on the defensive if they're not careful; she seemed to be both more demanding of us in terms of explanations, and quicker to try to justify Emily's behavior, though often it seemed simply for the sake of argument and not necessarily because she agreed with Emily; personally, I want to try to trust Savanah to be kind and considerate in her evaluations of Jeff and myself, and to try to see things from our perspective, but she certainly seems to be at that age when everything is a battle - of wits, or humor, or reason - and everything demands a quick, simple answer or she simply loses patience; so I'm left not knowing what her opinion is of the entire situation, or if she took it seriously at all (she seemed more interested in teasing the cat during our conversation and refused to sit up next to Jeff and I on the bed and talk to us face to face); I was joking about teens being hard - I didn't think I'd be getting the brunt of it; when did life become so difficult? being part of a divorced family is much rougher than I anticipated

Daily Tarot Card: The Six of Swords again, a card of difficult transitions and journeys, a weariness of the heart and soul that leaves us feeling drained and weak. We are borne across the troubled waters towards a new horizon and a fresh beginning, with a promise of new hopes and renewed energy. The process, the journey itself, may be one of joy and comfort in which we can take strength, readying for the new beginnings promised to us. Yet worries, anxieties and unhealthy thought patterns may linger and we may find ourselves repeating the same old tiresome patterns as before, and carrying the same burdens. Will we carry these troubles into the future with us? Or will we hold them loosely, gently, and willingly release them as we journey onwards, leaving our troubles behind us?

DOTR Lesson 2: Entering the Order as an Aspirant

Tonight during the Druid Order of the Three Realm Mother Grove's winter solstice ritual, I was officially welcomed into the Order as an aspirant working through the Nine Lessons with the intention of becoming a full Druid member after a year's time of study. Though the ritual took place down in Georgia where the Mother Grove is located, my mentor asked me to spend some time in silent Awen meditation between 7:30 and 8:00 pm, to connect with the ritual in my own way.

I also took this opportunity to complete the final section of Lesson Two, the "mini" three realms working. Reaching up to touch sky and down to touch earth, I brought them together through the flow of the sea to create a sacred space in which I infused my intention with energy and enchantment, naming my formal dedication to the work of the aspirant.

Before this, however, I spent some time acknowledging my gods, and in particular Brigid, by pouring some libations and reciting the Druid Prayer for Peace. After some time in meditation, I allowed myself to slip further into trance (though this was a little difficult because Jeff's voice drifted up from downstairs where he sat reading to the children before bed). Deeper in trance, I seemed to stand as part of a circle of shadowed, half-seen figures gathered around a central flame. It seemed to me these figures moved and turned with the gestures of solemn rite, and murmured prayers of awen and welcome. I could not see them well, but it seemed to me that this was the Druid Order of the Three Realms gathered together, some in body and some only in spirit, working together the rituals of the turning year. I asked that I may enter more fully into the Order as an aspirant member, and for a moment the figures seemed to come into sharper focus and full color, before the trance slipped too quickly away and I was spun back into ordinary consciousness. The experience was too fleeting to be sure of anything, but still, it had the feeling of a confirmation and welcoming to become a member of the group.

Following this brief meditation, as the end of the ritual was drawing near, I drew a divination reading using my tarot deck. Using a three-card spread, I asked three questions:

(a) What gift do I have to share with the Order?

(b)What gift does the Order offer to me?

(c) What sign will be my guide and help me along this path?

(a) Queen of Wands: A figure of poise and grace within skillful activity and commitment, the Queen of Wands brings dedication and enthusiasm to her work, as well as a self-confidence grounded in experience and sincerity. She can be an energizing presence for those around her as she follows her natural penchant for energetic involvement in the activities she finds engaging. This card suggests that it is my self-disciplined dedication and steady involvement in the Order that may be my most valuable gift, especially if it comes through the skills and talents that I am most passionate about and have worked hard to cultivate (for instance, my writing and poetry). My energy and enthusiasm for the work may engage others, stimulating them into renewed activity and engagement with the work as well.

(b) Four of Pentacles: This card is often interpreted as one of stagnation and immovability, especially when it comes to securing financial or material wealth. There is a suggestion with this card that things have become too stiff and unchanging, and that we may be clinging to "the way things are" in order to protect our material gains at the expense of openness, receptivity and generosity with others. The spirit of growth and exploration may be missing, as we lock down on our possessions and create a trap or cage of our own making with our covetous spirit. It is not exactly a card you might expect in a reading about gifts. This may mean two things. The first is that, perhaps, the Order itself is perhaps, even if only to a small extent, "locked in" to a particular way of doing things and has grown protective of this structure and approach to the detriment of new growth and experimentation. It may be that the gift the Order has to offer me is in the confrontation with this attitude, in which I may learn to navigate and negotiate with it to both my own benefit and the benefit of the Order itself. The second possibility is that this card is meant to present both stability and protectiveness, especially when it comes to community. The number four represents the stabilization and concretization of the active patterns of three into matter and form, and the pentacles especially is a card of earth, the material world and its manifestation. Thus, this card may indicate that what the Order offers me is a place of stability and structure that is protected by those who have cultivated it and feel deeply invested in it personally. It may offer a "concrete" real community that is close-knit and which gathers regularly to practice together in the physical world, something that is not necessarily true for the groups I've been involved with until now. I am not sure which of these interpretations will prove to be the correct one, or if there will be a mixture of the two that will provide both gift and challenge.

(c) Queen of Pentacles: Grounded in the strength and stability of the earth and the mighty oak tree, this Queen is one of creative energy and harmony that stretches out in all directions, connecting all creatures and beings of the world. Cheerful, though also often humble (from humus, "of the earth") and inwardly turned, she takes great pleasure and enjoyment in the beauties of the world, and shares these joys with others in ways that encourage involvement and growth. She provides a warm embrace for others that encourages them to be themselves, though in ways that express maturity and consideration for the greater world that we share with one another. This card seems to suggest to me that my "guiding sign" as I work through the Nine Lessons towards becoming a full member of DOTR will be a more open, mature, creative and joy-filled engagement with the physical world and the community I am now entering. Together with the Four of Pentacles, it suggests that perhaps this sign is meant to point the way, not necessarily indicate where I can expect to start out, and that there may be a journey ahead of me to move from the more possessiveness and stagnation of the Four of Pentacles, to the receptivity and creativity of the Queen of Pentacles. Because this card also appeared in my full moon ritual dedicated to Brigid of the Star Fire, and because the figure in this deck is depicted in a way that reminds me so much of Brigid, I also understand this card to mean that I should continue my devotions to Brigid and the Lady of the Stars group as an important part of my DOTR aspirant work.

Having completed my divination reading, I then performed the "mini" Three Realms Working found at the end of Lesson Two, setting my intention to commitment to this work and follow the path towards becoming a full member of the Order in a year.

Some time this week or next, hopefully, I will have time to go for a walk in the woods to gather a stone for the final rite of Lesson Two and then move on to Lesson Three. Because of solstice, Christmas, family obligations and travel, and I am not sure how easy this will be. However, I'm hoping that perhaps while I am in Lancaster, I might be able to gather a stone from the local landscape where I was born, to connect to the energies of my family and my ancestors.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:37am - 4:55pm
Moon: waxing gibbous, taurus (earth/fixed)
Earth: cold, in the low 20s all day, cloudy with some snow flurries in the evening

Thoughts: trolls on the blog bitching at me for posting the "long goodbye" series explaining why I'm deciding not to blog anymore, demanding why I'm "making such a big deal of it"; the nature of bias when it comes to science v. the humanities, math v. art, and the assumption of superiority in the methods of scientific quantification and measurement, as if this is the only way we can know anything; why is the winter holiday season so difficult this year? I really can't get into it at all, the house isn't decorated and I am hardly even looking forward to gift exchange when usually I absolutely love picking out presents and wrapping them up all wonderfully and all of that...

Actions: wrote up a to-do list to make it through today; dealt with trollish commenters by turning comments off on the blog; very brief walk in the woods after breakfast; prepped more card stock for one last attempt at the Christmas gift crafts; tweaked GIMP images for the crafts; sanded and drilled and prepared the kids chosen bits for their craft project this weekend; watched an episode of the Daily Show with Jeff over lunch about the disgusting behavior of Congress, which won't pass health care for 9/11 first responders; got in a good solid chunk of time doing contractor work (figured out a new system that I think will improve my efficiency a little bit); stopped by the bank; reserved our hotel room for during our stay in Lancaster; made a trip to the pet store for Cu's Solstice present; went to the grocery store to stock up on food for a week with the kids; wrapped a bunch of presents when we got home and finished up the craft projects (just have to let dry overnight, but I'm feeling good about this latest attempt)

Connections: Jeff says the planets and moon are doing some wonky shit right around the lunar eclipse on the solstice, forming a huge cross in the sky that, on the west coast, will be perfectly aligned to the horizon when the eclipse happens; I'm just feeling generally exhausted and not exactly up for five days of the kids, so I'm thinking I'll be escaping to the library or café at least a few times this week in order to get some work done and just relax a bit

Daily Tarot Card: The Ace of Cups again, and I am impatient for something new, as I don't know what this card might mean today - a gift, or a warning, or perhaps it is irrelevant? A card of new beginnings, the first ripple in the pond, the first overflowing of the wellspring of imagination, emotion, intuition and subconscious mind that may become a river seeking its way to the ocean. I draw again and pull the Six of Swords, a card of journey and transition as a new cycle begins. Borne by the swift passage to a new place, the problems of the world that have worried us seem small and less important, yet if we are not careful we may find that we carry them along with us, old thought patterns and stresses that will influence the new cycle that is beginning. Perhaps, instead, this card is an invitation to find comfort, peace and strength in the transition itself, the process of change and flux that can so often leave us exhausted, drained and weak. Can this journey give us a sense of release and renewal, if we let it?

Daily Diary

Days of Note: Flamekeeping

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:37am - 4:55pm
Moon: waxing gibbous, taurus (earth/fixed)
Earth: cold all day, mostly cloudy but no snowfall

Thoughts: had trouble sleeping last night, so spent some time thinking about some potential fiction writing stories (inspired by de Lint's book of short stories - it turns out he does improve as a storyteller after his first novel, or at least, in short story form he does); this morning spent some time discussing Emily's excuses apologies for her emails; discussed hormonal imbalances and psychosomatic symptoms, and whether or not we should be concerned about the kids if she's claiming she has that little control over her outbursts

Actions: still trying to get these damned craft projects to turn out right (slowly running out of both time and supplies - family might have to deal with crappy Christmas presents this year); got in a really good and satisfying chunk of time doing contractor work today, ran by Michael's, watched some episodes of Buffy in the evening with Jeff

Connections: still in denial about Christmas time and coping by trying to get these presents to turn out halfway decent; also, haven't been keeping up with the daily meditating now that I'm not doing it in conjunction with the diary keeping in the mornings anymore - this was the first flamekeeping shift was I was so completely distracted that I didn't have a chance to do any sort of meditation (but I did wear the flame all day, and I spent a good chunk of time in the middle of the night last night praying to Brigid and composing some chants to her, though now I don't really remember them); on the other hand, when I sat down with my computer and tarot deck to do my journaling tonight, I felt a kind of wash of happy I'm-so-glad-I'm-Pagan enjoyment in the prospect

Daily Tarot Card: The Seven of Cups is a card of dreams, fantasies and choices. While it may be easy to become ungrounded and loose perspective, lost in a dreamworld chasing unrealistic goals and selfish ambitions, the paradox of seven is that with limitless possibilities also comes the potential to deepen, to grow, to become more truly yourself. (My note: I draw this card again, on a day when I am sleep deprived and feeling ungrounded due to a restless night of dreams and imaginary conversations and arguments, not to mention our over-indulgence in television this evening, which is a kind of fantasy-world in itself. Perhaps this is reminding me to keep my "eye on the prize," so to speak, and pursue activities that I know will help me to cultivate my true, authentic self, even if I'm feeling tired or distracted. At the same time, I find myself not feeling as stressed out about this card as I was before when it kept coming up. I am feeling more connection to the man with the map, than to the wild-eyed woman reaching for the floating citadel. I think this means I've been making some progress in dealing with the energies, patterns and behaviors this card represents for me.)

Daily Diary

Days of Note: Flamekeeping (begins at sundown)

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:36am - 4:54pm
Moon: waxing gibbous, aries (fire/cardinal)
Earth: very cold and snowy all day, though with bright sunlight breaking through occasionally

Thoughts: this morning spent some time thinking about public education and religion in the public sphere, as well as the nature of the religion of the State, the religion of capitalist consumerism and whether the "mythology of the market" aligns with the "moralist therapeutic deism" that the article Jeff read yesterday describes as the predominant description of religion for young people today; spent much of the second half of the day worrying about Emily and her recent bout of rudeness, disrespect and "crazy-making" through her emails, this time going off about how Jeff and I are "liars" who have been telling lies both to her and the children - though what exactly these lies consist of seems unclear, since every time she brings one up and we clarify what actually happened (backed up by email exchanges preserved in the Infinite Gmail Archive of Doom), it turns out that she was just factually wrong or working on very poorly, irrationally drawn conclusions; most of her accusations center around two things: whether or not we "left early" from Josh's birthday party more than a year ago, and whether or not we're being honest with the kids about why she and Jeremy are not invited to our wedding.... apparently, our inability to behave well at parties means we must be lying to her about our finances, though I'm not sure how she makes this leap

Actions: spent some of the day finishing the Christmas gift crafts for my family and preparing the craft supplies for the kids project this coming weekend (though why I should help the kids make gifts for their mom when she's been so rude and disrespectful to me, I don't know - I'm just that kind of person, I guess); spent a little bit of time on contractor work; spent far too much of my day composing angry emails to Emily, talking with Jeff about her baseless accusations and trying to figure out what to do and how I can help him and be supportive without feeding her irrational hatred of me; this evening, Jeff and I spent some time in meditation followed by some divination to seek clarity on the situation; my flamekeeping shift started at sundown and I had intended to do some meditative and possible trance work, but obviously was distracted (so... count that as not-an-action for today)

Connections: I realize that my anal retentive tendency to keep track of my schedule and save all emails really does pay off, when it means I can look back through my records to provide evidence for what was or was not done or said when dealing with someone who has a tendency to (willfully, perhaps) misremember the past; another reason this diary is also a good idea - a public record of my daily thoughts and deeds may come in handy if future accusations of dishonesty or duplicity arise; after all, it's hard to lie in such detail and consistency on a daily basis

Daily Tarot Card: The Hanged Man (XII) A card of willing self-sacrifice and surrender, as well as a card of emotional release. The Hanged Man relinquishes his control in order to gain wisdom and insight into the nature of being. He surrenders to the greater patterns that govern the world and accepts what is beyond his control, yet his surrender itself is an act of discipline and choice, arising from the only thing over which he does have control: his own actions and choices. This act of self-surrender brings about a shift in perspective, flipping the world on its head and revealing mysteries that once were hidden or incomprehensible.

(My note: Although I did refrain from sending the full-length letter (referenced in the previous divination post) to Emily - I do feel that the act of writing it was, to a certain extent, an emotional release as well as a relinquishing of control. It reminded me once again that, whatever other crazy-messy things are going on in the world, I do have control over one thing at least: my ability to choose, to give of myself willingly and to enter into the patterns of the world with my whole being. This is an important lesson to remember as I approach a marriage to a man who has a far from simple family situation. I do not have control over this, and it is going to be (and has been) difficult for me to keep this in mind and reign in my temper in response to my fears of being held in obligation to another. As I prayed to Brigid during my meditation earlier: I embrace the attending and self-sacrifice that She asks of me, in the service of the peace, beauty, freedom, justice and love that are Her gifts. But I do not want to surrender my will to the caprice of another human being who has only selfish intentions at heart. This distinction is difficult to make sometimes, so I ask my goddess's help in recognizing when to act, and when to let go.)

Divination on Family Conflict

Brigid, I seek your guidance on this matter of great importance to Jeff and myself and the children we love so deeply.

I center myself in my love and my attending.
I ground myself in your guiding light.
I center myself in my strength and freedom.
I ground myself in your support and protection.
I center myself in my confidence and intelligence.
I ground myself in your deep wisdom and insight.

I drink of your waters,
I follow your star,
I nurture your flame
of peace in my heart.

What are the consequences of the three choices before us?

(a) To send the letter I have composed. (c) To send a simplified version of the letter. (b) To send no reply.

(a) The Hanged Man (XII): A card of willing self-sacrifice and surrender, as well as a card of emotional release. The Hanged Man relinquishes his control in order to gain wisdom and insight into the nature of being. He surrenders to the greater patterns that govern the world and accepts what is beyond his control, yet his surrender itself is an act of discipline and choice, arising from the only thing over which he does have control: his own actions and choices. This act of self-surrender brings about a shift in perspective, flipping the world on its head and revealing mysteries that once were hidden or incomprehensible.

(b) Two of Wands: A card of tension held poised on the brink of action, a card in which personal power and authority may lead to isolation, and concrete action may not lead to the happiness or success that is desired. This card seems to be one of constant vigilance and watchfulness, caught between the possibilities of success and failure and ever on the edge of action. This card may indicate a time to be bold, courageous and inventive, but also warns against allowing this power and influence to cloud right judgement.

(c) Death: A card of transformation, the rebirth inspired and ignited by the death of the old. It is a card of change, the death of the old to make way for the new being born - and such change may be frightening, or it may be a moment of joy. More likely, it will involve a dance of grief and sorrow with elation and praise. This card encourages us to give up those old patterns, behaviors and relationships that impede, hinder or restrict us, as well as to take off the masks that we usually hide behind in order to protect ourselves. When faced with the real presence of death, we are naked and vulnerable before the darkness and uncertainty of the future. Yet facing this uncertainty as an opportunity for growth and renewal, rather than clinging to a past that has become too small for us, is our best way through the difficulties and fears of this moment.

(d) What alternative option have we not yet considered?

(d) King of Pentacles: The King of Pentacles understands, deep in his very bones, the relationship between stability, prosperity and generosity. He is a figure of growth and physical well-being, balancing the yang aspects of power and action with the yin aspects of fecundity and self-giving. He holds within himself both the fruit and the seed, and nurtures these with practicality and rootedness in reality, while also retaining his kindness and humanity and his concern for others. He enjoys all that life and the earth have to offer, and seeks to share these joys with those around him. He is both reliable and wise, with many talents and aspirations, earning him good fortune and expressing themselves in the gifts he has to share.

Brigid, Lady of the Stars: The Astrology of Me

Sun Sign (influences one's self-perception and sense of selfhood)

• Gemini (air/mutable) — The sign of the twins, Gemini sun signs tend to be quick, changeable, mercurial in nature. Their curiosity is powerful, and they often seek out those who will stimulate them intellectually while also being able to keep up with their quick wit and sense of the absurd. Because of their ability to detach from themselves and see both sides of the situation, they can often be quite objective in their analysis of a situation. Gemini sun signs tend to be communicative and bright, enjoying the companionship that arises from good conversation and lively debate.
• Sun in the Ninth House — The basic drive when the sun is in the ninth house is for understanding and self-expansion, which can express itself in a concern for global or world affairs, a love of travel, an interest in higher education, and a desire to study religion, philosophy and mysticism.

Moon Sign (influences one's subconscious and emotional center)

• Libra (air/cardinal) — The light, airy quality of a Libran Moon can be refreshing and enjoyable. Libran Moons place a strong value on relationship and partnership, and also carry with them a deep sense of fairness, balance and justice. They also possess an artistic side and high aesthetic standards.
• Moon in the Twelfth House — Moon in the twelfth house indicates a private person with a love of introspection and a compassionate, charitable side, yet someone who sometimes requires withdrawal or retreat from the busyness of the world in order to refresh.

Ascendant (influences first impressions and indicates a starting point)

• Libra (air/cardinal) — Libra Rising gives a first impression of being a natural "people person," someone who is nice, pleasant, fair-minded, charming and well-liked. Aesthetics plays an important role, as does a heightened sensitivity to the arts and music, and this may express itself also in seeking a sense of harmony rather than discord, and civility and respect rather than vulgarity or rudeness.
• Saturn Conjunct Ascendant — Conservative and self-disciplined, someone with Saturn conjunct their ascendant is likely to be reserved and cautious, perhaps due to anxieties about their self-worth (especially earlier in life). The seriousness and maturity of Saturn shines through even at an early age, despite lingering self-doubts, and with deepening maturity may bring a sense of agelessness that has the authority of truth and wisdom behind it.
• Pluto Conjunct Ascendant — Pluto conjunct the Ascendant tends to express itself through a powerful, insightful and intense personality, deeply private and reserved in some ways while also able to grasp some of the deeper secrets of others. The intensity of this conjunction indicates a person willing to go all-out (or all-in) in their commitments and endeavors.

Daily Diary

Days of Note: First Quarter Moon

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:35am - 4:54pm
Moon: first quarter, pisces (water/mutable)
Earth: snow all day, very windy and very cold, down in the teens

Thoughts: minor freak out about crappy computer software earlier today; otherwise, focused mostly on trying to get these craft projects done and feeling generally kinda worn out for no discernible reason; last night, had a scary dream involving zombies, in which Freddy showed up as a zombie but trying to help

Actions: spent all day on craft projects for Christmas gifts, and I'm afraid they're not going to turn out as nice as I was hoping (though they may!); Cu had a vet visit this morning, where he did very well; dinner with Arthur this evening to thank him for the furniture and just hang out some, so that was nice

Connections: just having one of those days when I feel like I really need to cut myself some slack and rest, but I can't because there are just too many things I'm trying to get done; feeling on edge and worn down and tired of the "rat race" of constantly trying to keep up with obligations (this leads me to think that if I'm going to do handmade wedding favors, I'm going to start soon and spread them over the next half a year so I'm not having unnecessary freak-outs closer to the day itself); still not feeling the Yuletide spirit; maybe my brain has gotten dumber due to stress?

Daily Tarot Card: The Three of Cups depicts a joyful celebration among friends, an enjoyment of pleasant feelings and good company. Being a resolution of some of the tensions that had previously been present, it symbolizes a step forward on the right path and the first taste of success and the fruits of your work, even if the reward is for now an emotional one rather than a material one. Like most three cards, the Three of Cups is a card of progress, but it also indicates a time to savor the good times while they're here and share them with a happy and supportive community.

Meditations on Brigid: Goddess of Smithcraft

Like last night's meditation on Brigid as Fire-within-Water, tonight's meditation on Brigid of Smithcraft is, for all intents and purposes, a no-go after an exhausting day. It is becoming increasingly obvious just how much Jeff's kids wear me out, and I may have to consider going back to "escaping" on Saturday mornings just to keep my sanity. In any case, as luck would have it, one of my favorite bloggers happened to post on just this theme today. It seems so perfectly appropriate that I have to wonder if one of the writers of this group blog isn't, in fact, a member of the Lady of the Stars group working through the same rotation of meditation themes as I am. But I'm more than willing to accept this happy coincidence, and share a beautiful quote from White Cat Grove's post, "Lady of the Forge" in lieu of my own meditation for the night:

The Smith is the lady of sheer, hard work. There’s nothing glamorous about it and everything of value in it. The hammer-blows tap out the rhythm of inescapable time. Life is work, time, effort.

We prefer to honor her as the lilt of words, the lure of music, the balm of the healing well, the hearth-fire and its comforts. Mercy, generosity with the ever-giving milk cow, the pale hand that feeds the poor — Brighid as Lady Liberty, welcoming the huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the Lady of the welcoming flame.

Let us remember her too at the moon’s darkness: the coal and its steady, unglamorous burn, the sweat on the brow, the midwife of metal, the shaper of life through effort and boredom and pain.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:34am - 4:54pm
Moon: first quarter, pisces (water/mutable)
Earth: rain all day and somewhat milder than it's been, but turning cold tonight with the wind blowing in snow for a storm

Thoughts: Savanah's review lesson today and how to improve our work with her and help her with the assignments she seems to be having trouble with; why the kids are so whiney and why it's Emily's fault (and why I tend to blame Emily, because it's so easy to pass the buck!); why I can't seem to get into the holly-jolly yuletide spirit this year, and worrying a little bit about present shopping (since I kinda haven't really started, even for Jeff)

Actions: finished the craft project I started yesterday (it turned out well, Jeff really likes it); spent over an hour with Jeff and Savanah working on her review lesson, talking about her previous work so far and teaching her a bit about divination; took the kids to the library; had them pick out their potential ornament designs for next weekend's gift craft project; skipped yoga and meditation today (naughty!); ordered Jeff's gifts, at least one of which will be a surprise for him (so, I lied, I did start my shopping - I just feel like I haven't gotten very far)

Connections: I'm always so doubtful of this journaling process, I started out thinking this was a great way to keep myself motivated and organized and see how much I was accomplishing from day to day; now I'm wondering if keeping a record like this is wearing me out and taking some of the spontaneity out of things; I'm not sure when everything became an obligation, but I do feel as though I rarely have a day when I don't have to worry about something, there's always some new project looming, some new goal for cleaning or organizing the house, some new wedding thing to think about or new event to plan for or new project to finish; I'm wondering if I'll ever reach a point when I can have a week or two of boringness and dull repetition - just do contractor work for a certain number of hours, and then the rest of the week is yours to relax and, I don't know, read a good book... that'd be nice

Daily Tarot Card: The Ace of Cups is a card of gladness, good luck and emotional and intuitional fulfillment. A card of beginnings and potential, it symbolizes our connection with our unconscious, our inner selves, and the first stirrings of insight that we feel as we allow our minds to daydream and wander into the depths. (My note: Or maybe it's just saying I need to drink more water. I don't know. I'm tired.)

Savanah's Year: Calas of Earth, Week 3 & Review

I didn't have a chance to write up any notes on last week's lesson, perhaps mostly because Jeff took the lead in doing most of the talking and discussion-prompting. As our last week of lessons for Calas of Earth, we focused on our houses and homes as living spaces that help to shape us and manifest our relationship with the land around us, as use the materials of the physical world to craft shelters that give us safety of both the physical and the spiritual kind. Jeff talked a bit about his friend, Slade, who has experience building relationships with house spirits. We asked Savanah to pay attention to the different spaces she's in throughout the week and ask herself questions about how they make her feel, and why. What kinds of spaces does she enjoy being in and that make her feel comfortable or welcome, and what kinds of spaces make her feel uncomfortable or anxious.

As has become the pattern, Savanah didn't complete these assignments or answer the questions in any depth. In the past, I think she's either forgotten or couldn't think of any answers; this past week, she says she was so busy doing all sorts of craft projects in preparation for Christmas coming that she didn't have any time to look over the questions until Friday - at which point she realized she hadn't been paying attention to the spaces she was in all week.

This week's lesson was a review session where we spent almost the entire time teaching her how to use her Tarot deck the "official" way (instead of just flipping through and picking out cards, as we've had her doing before). But first, we went over some of her previous assignments, since she did remember to bring her Druid journal with her. Jeff read out loud her long description of her twelve (now fourteen) plants in her room, each described with care and a detailed history of its growth and health, and most of them concluding that they "needed more love and attention." Some of her descriptions of the plants were very detailed and well-written, which suggests she definitely has the talent and skill, if only she could find the interest. We also spent some time looking over the four elements correspondence exercises we gave her the week before last, which involved her brainstorming different images, objects, animals, plants and landscapes to match each of the four classic elements of earth, air, fire and water. She did an excellent job with those exercises (and was able to do drawings of six of the seven - the four classic elements plus gwyar and nwyfre - instead of the story-writing exercise, although she forgot the drawings at her mom's house).

We used these exercises to transition to talking about the tarot cards. First, we had her pick a card at random - she drew the Ace of Pentacles - and then Jeff and I each pulled that card from our respective decks laid them in a row to compare the imagery and talk about common themes. Then, we looked at the first elemental exercise - choosing the tarot card that she thought best represented each element and then listing what aspects of the card connected to that element for her - and we went through each of the four cards she'd chosen doing the same thing. This proved really interesting, since Jeff uses a Buddha Tarot deck that is very different from what I'm used to. My deck, in many ways, has a more traditional use of imagery and symbolism than either Jeff's or Savanah's, so we were able to make effective comparisons across a pretty broad spectrum. The cards Savanah chose were: Strength for earth, Judgement for air, the Ten of Wands for fire, and the Star for water.

One thing that I did notice quite a bit during these discussions was that Savanah has real difficulty sitting quietly and listening for any length of time - she is fond of interrupting, sometimes with clearly tangential or miscellaneous observations. My impression is that she does this in order to be funny, but it becomes quite disruptive when Jeff or I are trying to explain an idea in depth or answer one of her own questions in a way that requires some complexity and subtlety. And yet, when asked questions directly, she often seems very hesitant to provide answers or probe more in-depth beyond an initial response. This, to me, seems like it might be a defense mechanism for when she doesn't know for sure or is afraid of being wrong. I'm not sure how to encourage her to calm down and reach a place where she is receptive to the kinds of connections and insights that deeper analysis and self-awareness require. This is definitely a challenge, and one that I think Jeff and I are still trying to figure out how to handle. Perhaps we are expecting too much from her - but I'm honestly not sure. I do know that not all kids develop at the same rate, so we're doing our best to tailor the lessons to her skills and interests as a way of leading her more deeply into areas that might not be as familiar to her. But gods, is it tough sometimes. (This is one of those times when I wish we were on better terms with her mother, because then we might be able to ask her if she's had similar experience with the homeschooling, or how she approaches this challenge. Perhaps if Savanah does eventually end up going to school, we'll be able to consult with teachers? Maybe I should ask my aunt Pat. I think she has experience with kids around Savanah's age.)

We then moved on to actual readings. Since we were having Savanah use the cards to answer three questions, Jeff and I each demonstrated by asking one question and using our decks to answer. Each of us has a slightly different way of shuffling and choosing our cards, so we also explained the differences and the reasons behind our choices. Afterwards, we had Savanah do her reading - she chose to shuffle the deck between each question, and tended to use her dad's way of picking the cards (which is to move slowly through the deck, cards face down, until one seems to "jump out" as the right one to pick).

For the first question, "What message does the land have for me?" she drew the Five of Swords. The interpretation of this card in her book was about a conflict or disagreement, along with the suggestion that perhaps careful thought and reasoning, attempting to see things from many different sides, might help in finding a solution. During our discussion about this card, we asked her how this card might reflect her relationship with the land around her, and what she thought the message might be. She mentioned how she very much wants to have her own plot in the garden at her mother's house, but Emily and Jeremy told her no, because if she's gone on vacation then there will be no one to take care of it and the plants would die. Savanah explained to me that this was not a satisfying reason, since she's never gone for more than a week at a time, and most of the work necessary for the garden wouldn't be more often than once a week after the initial planting period. She also said she could ask (or "hire") her brother to take care of her plot while she was away in the summer. When I asked her if she'd brought up these issues with her mom as a way of trying to reach a compromise through sharing her reasons and suggestions, Savanah said that it didn't matter because the truth was that Emily and Jeremy just don't want her to do it, so they would keep inventing reasons and, once exhausted, simply end with, "Because I said so." This seemed like an amazingly accurate insight to Jeff and me, as we'd just been talking about that exact issue with Emily the night before. So again, I'm not sure what message is meant for Savanah, but part of what arose from the conversation is the very obvious conflict between her desire for more independence, and her mom and step-dad's refusal to compromise or allow her that opportunity.

For the second question, "What message does my physical body have for me?" Savanah drew the Eight of Swords. By this time, Jeff had left to go start lunch (this was quite a long session), so Savanah and I talked about what the card might mean. In the book that accompanied her deck, this card was described as a situation in which she might feel restricted or helpless, but help and hope were closer than she may realize, if she could take a deep breath, relax and look at the broader situation. For a while we talked about what this might mean as a message from her body - perhaps he body was asking her to calm down a bit and relax more, allow herself to get adequate sleep and rest. For a while she seemed unsure and didn't think the card meant anything. Then she said something occurred to her that it might mean, but she didn't want to share it with me.

For the third question, "What message does my living space have for me?" she chose to focus on her mother's house and in particular her room (which she shares with her brother). The card she drew for this was the Ten of Pentacles, which is a very good card indicating hard work and cooperation resulting in a good harvest and a happy home. I asked her if she thought this was a relevant card for her room at her mom's. Although she seemed somewhat receptive, she did bring up the fact that she very much wants her own room because it's often impossible to get any alone time in the house and she's not allowed to lock the door. She said she wished either she or Josh could move into the guest room that nobody uses, so that she could have some space that was just her own. I'm honestly not sure if this is an option her mom is willing to entertain, considering apparently she's planning on having more kids as soon as possible.

By this time, we'd pretty much wrapped up the session, with no assignments over the course of this coming week. Next weekend we begin her lessons in Gwyar of Earth. Jeff and I are planning to begin each lesson with some time in silent "meditation," gazing at the candle flame and breathing gently for a little while. We're slowly transitioning - from simply lighting the candle at the beginning of each lesson, to this, to actual meditation that we'll be teaching her the basics of next month, during Nwyfre of Earth. Hopefully next week she'll also remember to bring her drawings for the elements, and perhaps complete the last drawing for calas.