Into the Mountains

A lot has happened over the past week or so that I should really at least jot down here, but things keep coming up (like the fact that my webpage database got corrupted and restoring it is going to take a lot of time and energy away from things I'd rather be doing).

Jeff and I were supposed to attend Pantheacon over President's Day weekend, but I was struggling with migraines the week leading up to it and, considering that it cost a huge amount of money for the travel and hotel, we decided to cancel the trip and use our days off to spend some time in wilderness retreat instead. This plan backfired somewhat because the local hotel we booked for a few days just to get away from the house and change up our routine ended up having terrible mattresses and I had to sleep on the floor for two nights on a pile of blankets before we decided to check out early and just go home. But they did give us half of our money back, so... yay?

We spent most of our time exploring the area near North Bend and Snoqualmie, including Mount Si. Hiking and fresh air made a huge difference with my headaches, but since coming home again they've started to come back. I've narrowed it down to environmental and/or stress-induced causes, or maybe a bit of both. I've been meditating and exercising regularly in the mornings, which seems to have a small effect, but by the afternoon the headaches return, so I'm getting in half-days of work at best. I'm getting more and more frustrated, since the pain seriously impacts by ability to concentrate for long periods of time. Not only have I not been able to get back to podcasting stuff at all, but now even my writing is starting to be effected. (But who cares? It's not like I have a functional webpage at the moment anyway... ::sigh::)

So at this point, I'm sorely tempted to just take a permanent vacation in the mountains and not come back until it's well and truly spring. Jeff is supposed to start teaching me how to drive again; I don't know how quickly it'll come back (considering I only ever drove a minivan and the last time I was behind a wheel was more than a decade ago). For now, I'm kinda stuck.

So here are some pictures from our weekend in the mountains.

Dreams of the Angel at the Gate

He's been seeping into my dreams again over the last couple weeks or so, appearing occasionally in the background, not directly involved in the action. Last night, however, the dream was vivid and our interactions were direct.

The most vivid part of my memory of the dream begins when I am flipping through photographs of landscapes on my iPad — gorgeous pictures that I've taken (in dream, not in real life) of mountains, rolling hills, misty forests, etc. — and, when I come across one I want to share with everyone else, I "flick it" up from the iPad onto a large projector screen (using some sort of bluetooth connection and an app that recognizes the gesture — someone should actually invent this because it was awesome)... At which point, the photo would appear not simply as large as life, but also in 3-D, as if the projector screen were actually a window we were looking through to see into the landscape beyond. I don't remember if the photos were actually video clips that moved — since they were mostly landscapes, there wouldn't have been much movement, but a sense of the swaying of trees or the gentle movement of mist or flowing water or birds taking flight now and then, maybe...

He was standing right beside me. As usual, there was an intense longing to be near him, to have his attention on me, and yet also a sense that this was taboo or forbidden in some way.

Back when I was Christian, I thought of him as the "angel at the gate" — the one who stands with a fiery sword guarding the gates of Eden. (Although technically I think Genesis says God stationed several angels, specifically cherubim, to guard the gate, I've always thought of this angel as Archangel Michael, probably because he, too, is depicted as having a fiery sword.) Years ago when I was little, he was the one who appeared to me in the forest and then dissolved into sunlight — though the feeling then was all affection, as if for an older brother, rather than this kind of attraction/eros. Still, even the eros in recent years has been of an almost innocent, adolescent kind — more ecstatic longing than sexual desire, if that makes any sense. Being near him feels thrilling, almost electric, but it's all in the heart and soul, rather than the body (or rather, it's throughout the body, a bone-deep magnetism rather than a sexual pull). I don't know who this figure is — I find it problematic to continue to think of him as an angel in the Judeo-Christian context — but I wonder if he is some kind of expression of my animus. Sometimes he takes on the appearance in dream of people I know in real life, though I can always recognize it's him, but that often only serves to exacerbate the feelings of taboo or discomfort (for instance, he once appeared in a dream as a college professor I had, which left me feeling deeply embarrassed because I felt completely impersonal and professional towards the actual professor himself, who was anyway kind of old and goofy).

In any case, in this dream, I was showing pictures to a group of people, the usual half-anonymous Crowd of Family and Friends. We were all standing and milling about outside in a park-like area, with the projection screen off to one side, and he was standing quite close to me so that I could feel the warmth of his presence alongside me. Then, the landscape photograph I was displaying seemed to somehow come alive and expand, until we were standing within the landscape looking out across a vast mountain range with beautiful shadowy valleys — mist snagged on the mountain peaks high above and pooled in the low valleys below us. It began to snow, and everyone was so excited at the beauty of it. It was as if we were all kids again, thrilled at the first snowfall. This snow was not exactly ordinary snow, for it didn't feel all that cold and it drifted down in huge, lazy flakes that seemed more like autumn leaves, except that they were white and crystalline in delicate designs, and they melted when they touched bare skin. People began laughing and playing, trying to catch the slowly drifting snowflakes on their tongues or with outstretched hands, some people leaning down to scoop up handfuls from the ground to throw like snowballs, though the snowballs were always soft and feathery, not cold and compact in a way that might hurt if you got hit. There was a lot of happy bumping around and into each other as everybody played in the snow, which jostled me into him a couple times so that I got that warm electric thrill passing through me, but the sense of taboo always made me withdraw and try to play it casually. (I'm not sure if I'm exactly describing this well — it always seems to me that he shares my understanding, both the attraction and the awareness of the taboo, though it doesn't bother him as much, as if neither weighs as heavily on him as they do on me in these dreams. Yet it seems as if the taboo is because of him, some other obligation or duty that holds him back, and not so much because of me or who I am.) In any case, in this dream I thought somehow the snow was his doing, and I joked with him about it or hinted at it, as if the others didn't know who exactly he really was, but he shook his head and said it had been my doing, somehow. While everyone was distracted playing and no one was looking, he briefly placed his hands on either side of my face, drew me close to him and kissed me on the forehead. It was at that point that I woke up.

I can't help but think that this has something to do with my work with the tarot cards. Last night I began work with the Magician/Magus, reading through some of the various books I'm working with and examining the various Magician cards from all my different decks. I wonder if I'm connecting the Magician with the Animus/Angel at the Gate somehow, who has always been a figure of energy, light and warmth, somewhat fiery but also ecstatic and creative in his energies.

I just hopped over to Wikipedia to see if I could find anything on the animus, since I really know next to nothing about it other than that it's supposedly the female's parallel to the male's anima, the archetype manifesting from the collective unconscious the totality of the feminine (or, for the animus, the masculine). I seemed to remember reading that Jung really didn't examine the animus at all, being much more interested in the anima in the male psyche. This is what Wikipedia has to say:

Jung focused more on the male's anima and wrote less about the female's animus. Jung believed that every woman has an analogous animus within her psyche, this being a set of unconscious masculine attributes and potentials. He viewed the animus as being more complex than the anima, postulating that women have a host of animus images while the male anima consists only of one dominant image.

Jung stated that there are four parallel levels of animus development in a female.

The animus "first appears as a personification of mere physical power - for instance as an athletic champion or muscle man, such as 'the fictional jungle hero Tarzan'".

In the next phase, the animus "possesses initiative and the capacity for planned action...the romantic man - the 19th century British poet Shelley; or the man of action - America's Ernest Hemingway, war hero, hunter, etc."

In the third phase "the animus becomes the word, often appearing as a professor or clergyman...the bearer of the word - Lloyd George, the great political orator".

"Finally, in his fourth manifestation, the animus is the incarnation of meaning. On this highest level he becomes (like the anima) a mediator of...spiritual profundity". Jung noted that "in mythology, this aspect of the animus appears as Hermes, messenger of the gods; in dreams he is a helpful guide." Like Sophia this is the highest level of mediation between the unconscious and conscious mind. [emphasis added]

::foreheadsmack:: This seems like a pretty obvious connection between the Magician (symbolized especially in the Thoth tarot but in other decks as well as the figure Hermes, messenger of the gods, with snakes twining around his helmet and wings on his feet)... and the figure who appears to me in dreams.

Revised Uncensored To-Do List

Things I've Accomplished Since Samhain

- finish Sullivan's text on Saturn, read Greene's text on Saturn
- continue Flamekeeping shifts
- regular meditation (with candle ritual?) in the morning
- hillwalking at least three times a week
- yoga on non-hillwalking days
- Peace of the Three Realms prayer meditation at least a few times a week
- read book on ecology in Celtic spirituality/mythology
- started book on storytelling and human evolution
- write twice monthly for NUP
- continue to work with guest post submissions for NUP
- follow-up on Wild Earth editorial position w/DD
- research good DSLR camera and purchase
- clean house once a week (Tuesdays?)
- go through wardrobe and drastically reduce
- go through basement and drastically reduce
- go through craft cabinet and drastically reduce
- go through each room week by week to clear out things we're not taking with us
- donate clothes, toys, books, furniture
- organize electronics in preparation for move
- organize altar objects and décor in prep for move
- write wedding gift thank you notes
- print up photo cards for thank you notes
- send thank you notes by thanksgiving
- go out on a date with Jeff once a week
- cut down on plastic use drastically
- investigate eco-friendly alternatives for home use
- become a Seattle Volunteer Naturalist
- attend spring and fall training (Thursdays and Saturdays)
- teach at least two programs per month
- design one or two new programs to teach
- keep a naturalist journal
- participate in Pagan Blog Project 2012
- moved across the country
- found a new apartment

Revised and Updated To-Do List for Spring and Summer

(italics for new items)

Podcasting

- design website for Faith, Fern and Compass
- do weekly research for podcast topics
- set up payment for pro subscriptions
- record two episodes weekly with Jeff
- post-production editing

Astrology & Archetypes

- weekly meditations and journaling on Saturdays for Saturn Return
- read Arroyo's text on astrology and the four elements
- complete natal charts for as many friends and family as possible
- every 6 weeks (on solar & fire festivals), look at up-coming and just-passed transits
- read the other astrology books I picked up while on honeymoon
- work with tarot deck more frequently
- finally read Campbell's Hero with a Thousand Faces
- read book on story and human evolution (forget author)

Spiritual Practice

- continue Flamekeeping shifts
- finish four remaining DOTR lessons for each of the elements
- regular meditation (with candle ritual?) in the morning
- regular libations/offerings in the morning
- regular water/integration ritual in the evenings
- hillwalking at least three times a week
- yoga on non-hillwalking days
- Peace of the Three Realms prayer meditation at least a few times a week
- weekly tarot card reading (on Mondays?)
- practice guitar regularly
- new and full moon rituals each month

Deep Ecology

- become a Seattle Volunteer Naturalist
- attend spring and fall training (Thursdays and Saturdays)
- teach at least two programs per month
- design one or two new programs to teach
- keep a naturalist journal
- hillwalking at least three times a week (see under Spiritual Practice)
- read Integral Ecology
- read Lovelock's text on the Gaia hypothesis
- read book on environmentalism and aesthetics
- read book on "sound ecology" (revisit text on noise and social justice)
- read Oxford Handbook of Religion and Ecology
- look into the Alliance of Religions and Conservation
- become member of the International Society for the Study of Religion, Nature, and Culture

Writing

- participate in Pagan Blog Project 2012
- finish 30 Days of Druidry meme for blog
- write more poetry (poetry exercises from Palm of Your Hand?)
- write twice monthly for NUP
- continue to work with guest post submissions for NUP
- write quarterly Wild Earth feature for Aontacht
- brainstorm article ideas for submission elsewhere
- complete book manuscript for Graeme by early spring
- revise book manuscript by May 1st at latest
- work through Creating a Life Worth Living exercises
- work on Teen Druidry book manuscript

Photography

- purchase good photo editing software
- brainstorm a list of "projects" to pursue
- spend at least one afternoon each week working on photography (taking pics, editing)

Household & Health

- stick to meal plan for healthier, more balanced diet
- exercise with Jeff three times a week
- jog two to three times a week
- get bike fixed
- bike once or twice a week
- yoga and/or back-strengthening exercises three times a week
- try to get closer to 10,000 steps/day goal
- put up curtains for the new apartment
- unpack small decor items for apartment
- put up pictures and other wall hangings

Uncensored To-Do List, Revisited

Key

- Completed (or done on a regular basis)
- Not something I want to do anymore

Astrology

- weekly meditations and journaling on Saturdays for Saturn Return
- finish Sullivan's text on Saturn, read Greene's text on Saturn
- read Arroyo's text on astrology and the four elements
- complete natal charts for as many friends and family as possible
- every 6 weeks (on solar & fire festivals), look at up-coming and just-passed transits
- read the other astrology books I picked up while on honeymoon

Archetypes

- read King Warrior Magician Lover
- read Jung's relevant writings on archetypes
- work with tarot deck more frequently
- review Plotkin's work on soul development
- finally read Campbell's Hero with a Thousand Faces
- read book on story and human evolution (forget author)
- read Markale's text on Arthurian myths
- look at a theory of soul development that spans Plotkin, Campbell, astrology, tarot?

Spiritual Practice

- continue Flamekeeping shifts
- finish four remaining DOTR lessons for each of the elements
- regular meditation (with candle ritual?) in the morning
- regular libations/offerings in the morning
- regular water/integration ritual in the evenings
- hillwalking at least three times a week
- yoga on non-hillwalking days
- Peace of the Three Realms prayer meditation at least a few times a week
- journeying with Badger once a week (on Wednesdays?)
- weekly tarot card reading (on Mondays?)
- ogham work (maybe? divided up by elements?)
- practice guitar regularly
- practice drumming regularly
- new and full moon rituals each month

Deep Ecology

- hillwalking at least three times a week (see under Spiritual Practice)
- journeying with Badger (see under Spiritual Practice)
- read book on ecology in Celtic spirituality/mythology
- read Integral Ecology
- read Lovelock's text on the Gaia hypothesis
- read book on environmentalism and aesthetics
- read book on "sound ecology" (revisit text on noise and social justice)
- read Oxford Handbook of Religion and Ecology
- look into the Alliance of Religions and Conservation
- become member of the International Society for the Study of Religion, Nature, and Culture
- after the move, look into resources on local ecosystems/bioregion
- after move, spend hillwalking time each week connecting with new landscape

Writing

- finish 30 Days of Druidry meme for blog
- write more poetry (poetry exercises from Palm of Your Hand?)
- write twice monthly for NUP
- continue to work with guest post submissions for NUP
- follow-up on Wild Earth editorial position w/DD
- brainstorm article ideas for submission elsewhere
- work on finishing three short stories
- complete book manuscript for Graeme by early spring
- revise book manuscript by May 1st at latest
- work through Creating a Life Worth Living exercises
- work on Teen Druidry book manuscript

Photography

- research good DSLR camera and purchase
- purchase good photo editing software
- brainstorm a list of "projects" to pursue
- spend at least one afternoon each week working on photography (taking pics, editing)

Household & Family

- clean house once a week (Tuesdays?)
- go through wardrobe and drastically reduce
- go through basement and drastically reduce
- go through craft cabinet and drastically reduce
- go through each room week by week to clear out things we're not taking with us
- donate clothes, toys, books, furniture
- organize electronics in preparation for move
- organize altar objects and décor in prep for move
- write wedding gift thank you notes
- print up photo cards for thank you notes
- send thank you notes by thanksgiving
- get and read one or two stepmom-related books (maybe?)
- go out on a date with Jeff once a week
- choose pictures from the wedding to get as prints/album
- cut down on plastic use drastically
- investigate eco-friendly alternatives for home use

Pomegranate Still Life

Inspired by some of the photographs shared to the Pagan Newswire Collective's Flickr page — and the fact that I just got a new DSLR camera and I wanted to test its limits with low lighting and such — I did a series of still life photographs inspired by the story of Persephone. Here are some of them:

An Uncensored List of Things I Want to Do

Astrology

- weekly meditations and journaling on Saturdays for Saturn Return
- finish Sullivan's text on Saturn, read Greene's text on Saturn
- read Arroyo's text on astrology and the four elements
- complete natal charts for as many friends and family as possible
- every 6 weeks (on solar & fire festivals), look at up-coming and just-passed transits
- read the other astrology books I picked up while on honeymoon

Archetypes

- read King Warrior Magician Lover
- read Jung's relevant writings on archetypes
- work with tarot deck more frequently
- review Plotkin's work on soul development
- finally read Campbell's Hero with a Thousand Faces
- read book on story and human evolution (forget author)
- read Markale's text on Arthurian myths
- look at a theory of soul development that spans Plotkin, Campbell, astrology, tarot?

Spiritual Practice

- continue Flamekeeping shifts
- finish four remaining DOTR lessons for each of the elements
- regular meditation (with candle ritual?) in the morning
- regular libations/offerings in the morning
- regular water/integration ritual in the evenings
- hillwalking at least three times a week
- yoga on non-hillwalking days
- Peace of the Three Realms prayer meditation at least a few times a week
- journeying with Badger once a week (on Wednesdays?)
- weekly tarot card reading (on Mondays?)
- ogham work (maybe? divided up by elements?)
- practice guitar regularly
- practice drumming regularly
- new and full moon rituals each month

Deep Ecology

- hillwalking at least three times a week (see under Spiritual Practice)
- journeying with Badger (see under Spiritual Practice)
- read book on ecology in Celtic spirituality/mythology
- read Integral Ecology
- read Lovelock's text on the Gaia hypothesis
- read book on environmentalism and aesthetics
- read book on "sound ecology" (revisit text on noise and social justice)
- read Oxford Handbook of Religion and Ecology
- look into the Alliance of Religions and Conservation
- become member of the International Society for the Study of Religion, Nature, and Culture
- after the move, look into resources on local ecosystems/bioregion
- after move, spend hillwalking time each week connecting with new landscape

Writing

- finish 30 Days of Druidry meme for blog
- write more poetry (poetry exercises from Palm of Your Hand?)
- write twice monthly for NUP
- continue to work with guest post submissions for NUP
- follow-up on Wild Earth editorial position w/DD
- brainstorm article ideas for submission elsewhere
- work on finishing three short stories
- complete book manuscript for Graeme by early spring
- revise book manuscript by May 1st at latest
- work through Creating a Life Worth Living exercises
- work on Teen Druidry book manuscript

Photography

- research good DSLR camera and purchase
- purchase good photo editing software
- brainstorm a list of "projects" to pursue
- spend at least one afternoon each week working on photography (taking pics, editing)

Household & Family

- clean house once a week (Tuesdays?)
- go through wardrobe and drastically reduce
- go through basement and drastically reduce
- go through craft cabinet and drastically reduce
- go through each room week by week to clear out things we're not taking with us
- donate clothes, toys, books, furniture
- organize electronics in preparation for move
- organize altar objects and décor in prep for move
- write wedding gift thank you notes
- print up photo cards for thank you notes
- send thank you notes by thanksgiving
- get and read one or two stepmom-related books (maybe?)
- go out on a date with Jeff once a week
- choose pictures from the wedding to get as prints/album
- cut down on plastic use drastically
- investigate eco-friendly alternatives for home use

DOTR Lesson 2: Earth

Photographs from Frick Park woods and nature preserve, Pittsburgh, PA

DOTR Lesson 2: Sky

(Images courtesy of Google Image Search and Nasa's Astronomy Picture of the Day)

DOTR Lesson 2: Sky

Sunrise in Autumn

I saw
for one brief moment
the light
creeping over the hill
between horizon and fog,
everywhere suffused
with the rose and gold
of morning —
as though we turned
and moved
in joy,
as though we, like all beings,
could reach out
our hands
to cup the day and drink.
The sun rose into cloud,
obscured.
What had lingered
rustling in the shining
crowns of the trees
retreated
into mist.
Now the rooftops
and the bark of the trees
glisten
darkly
with the rainy
dawn and gloom
and everything is still
and wet
and shadowless.
Peace, friends, I say
to the trees.
This too is a kind of light.
And like them,
like all beings, slowly
I open my hands.