Diary

Days of Note: First Quarter White Waking Moon

Sun: aquarius (air/fixed), 7:19am - 5:50pm
Moon: *first quarter, gemini (air/mutable)
Earth: just below freezing, with gentle winds and gentle sun, but still very much winter despite the first hinting stirrings of spring


Today, my second "day off" of the week, I woke up at 6:30 AM wide awake. Of course, it being still dark and Jeff being pretty much sound asleep, I didn't bother to actually get up. Still, I was full of energy and excitement about the day. Most likely because it was my "day off" and I was eager to get back to what I'd been working on my last "day off," Wedding Wednesday — which I spent, not on wedding stuff as I should have, but on taking the first steps towards designing and setting up my new website. I can become obsessive about these things. It's always been the case that a huge motivating factor for me is the appearance and packaging of a thing. That may sound shallow or superficial, but for me, part of the thrill of a beautiful piece of writing is the aesthetic pleasure of the physical book itself: the heft and weight of it, the scent of book binding glue, the neat, elegant formatting of the fonts, the cover art. And when it comes to online writing, this spills over into websites. A website can be — contrary to so much embarrassing evidence out there — elegant and beautiful and inviting, a worthy showcase of excellent work. I want my website to be like that. And so I thrill at the hours upon hours that I get to spend tweaking code and experimenting with color combinations and layout features.

When all's said and done, though, I want to be able to fill a website with awesome material. So as much as I was excited about having a day off today, I knew that I really couldn't go much further on the website design without facing the music and buckling down to some actual writing. And weirdly enough, I was dreading that. I had a restless frustration, like cabin-and/or-spring fever, that made me worry I wouldn't be able to settle down to do the creative work I wanted to do. I feel like it's been so long since I've done creative writing that really sang my soul-song. And of course, I've been feeling pressure (or, more kindly, leadings) from Brigid that I should be turning back to this work and cultivating it. Even my aspirant work with DOTR this lesson is focused on creative work and our relationship with awen, the Druid concept of inspiration, the fire-in-the-head breath of the gods. So every day I failed to write creatively, it became that much harder to have any confidence that I still had it in me.

This morning, I got in a few hours of work before lunch, and generally wasted time poking around online reading articles and blog feeds and Facebook updates that left me feeling befuddled and muddy headed. I knew I needed to give myself time and space in which to be creative, but that restlessness was keeping me from calming down. That, plus the monthly cravings for pastries and chocolate were at constant war with my commitment to the mostly-raw vegan diet Jeff and I are trying out, and the result was the weird sensation that I was... bored. Which is hard to explain. But boredom as an emotional state, and the tension of cravings for un-filling, bad-for-me food, were hardly distinguishable. So finally, in early afternoon, I decided to compromise: I had one piece of chocolate from the stash my mother sent me in a care package for Valentine's Day, and then I went downstairs and got one of my numerous How To Write Poetry workbooks (I know where they all are now, because Jeff and I have organized our bookshelves, hurrah!). I read through the introduction and the beginning of the first chapter before getting to the first exercise. Then I sat down, and I did it. I've already shared the results.

Or, at least, the product of the process. But there were other results, too. It took me hours to write that poem, hours of weighing and pushing and feeling my way through each line. Even now, I'm not sure if it's any good or not. But the process was so satisfying and restful, and something I had missed so much without even realizing it. It was work, in the best sense of the word. Not busywork to keep me churning and spinning my wheels, not time clocked or overly specific exercises leading step-by-step. It was just the work of digging and sensing and sitting quietly listening to the rhythm of each line, each word, and working my way slowly, gently, towards the poem's end. It was so satisfying, yet calming, that after dinner I felt as though I had plenty of energy and motivation, and I was eager to plunge back in. Jeff had a few hours of work left to do, since he took time out of the middle of the day to run errands before the kids come this weekend. So I buckled down to tackle some revision work I'd been meaning to do for a while.

The plan with the new website is to make it mostly a static site to showcase my writing and publications (and possibly photographs), with a blog feature incorporated to share news and smaller essays. I won't be exporting the old Meadowsweet blog into this new site, but instead I'm going ahead with my original plan to compile the best pieces from the old blog into a book to make available on Lulu (or, possibly, through a publisher, if Graeme's small publishing company will still have me). Once I began the process of selecting and compiling these pieces (which was months ago now), I realized that many of them I wanted to expand and revise, incorporating ideas that developed in the comment threads and just in general touching them up and making them more suitable for the print medium. Because I'm a perfectionist. But the task seemed so daunting, I never really got started on it.

Tonight, I sat down after dinner and began working on an expansion/revision of the first essay. It wasn't just enjoyable, it was downright fun! I felt like I was back to my old self again, revisiting the old me who was a diehard Poet-capital-P. For so long now it seems — though it can't be more than half a year at most — I've felt not so much like a writer as like.... a blogger. And I do mean that in the derogatory sense, no matter how unfair that might be. But "blogging" (as The Doctor uses it) is like chattering gossip and bickering banter about trivia and current events. I think it could be more than that, and I used to be pretty good at staying grounded in that vision of it being more than that, but my involvement with P+P has dragged me down in some ways, I think, and left me disoriented and feeling utterly drained of creative inspiration. It is so hard to take the risk of true creativity when you feel constantly under attack my insulting snipers and overly-critical know-it-alls. It's hard not to get sucked into that world, to become small. But reading back over old posts, and working on them again with this new burst of creative juices, I felt as though I were coming home to myself. I no longer had to berate myself for not doing the work I was supposed to be doing. Even if it takes a while, even if I'm not rushing off to score the instant gratification of immediate publication in a blog medium, I am doing the work, and allowing it to take however long it takes. I may end up with some material worthy of publication in magazines (though my luck there has been less than wonderful lately). Either way, I am doing the creative work I want to be doing and allowing myself to look beyond the borders of our sometimes self-involved little community of Pagans. This, I like.

So it's been a good day, and this diary entry probably reflects that. There is much to catch up on that has been going on in my life, but I'm not going to beat myself up over not doing a better job of chronicling it. That is busywork. This is creative work. I'm also not going to do the first part of the DOTR Aspirant Lesson 3 as it is written. I will not be doing daily note-taking on my plans and goals, nor doing the weird exercise of writing with one hand, then the other for a week. I suspect this last exercise is supposed to put you in touch with your more "artistic" brain, but I have far better ways of doing that on my own. Perhaps I will turn the journaling prompts into poetry-writing exercises instead and experiment with them in that way, but in general I'll be adapting the lesson to suit my needs. I'm hoping this is alright with Bob. Since he and I have known each other in one form or another for several years now, he did invite me to just join outright as a full Druid member, but I agreed to go through the lessons. In part because it's a good refresher, and in part because I wanted to understand the community sense that was developed through the lessons themselves, and in part because I hoped to be able to give Bob some feedback on the lessons themselves and ways they might be improved. We'll see how receptive he is to me blowing off the lesson plans for this month and exploring awen in my own way.



Daily Tarot Card: The King of Wands stands noble and proud, energetic and ready for action and activity. His blood flows bright and quick with passion, enthusiasm for his work, yet as the mature "yang" of the suit, he also understands the necessity of structure and order to reign his power in, harness it and shape it to his purposes. He is a figure defined by his energy and enthusiastic engagement with the world around him and the work he pursues in it. He may sometimes try to do everything at once, and for that reason to shy away from a sense of control or imposed order that might restrict him or rob him of the space his creativity needs to flourish. Yet this tension between passion and calm, creativity and order, are held delicately and deftly under his rule.

Diary

Days of Note: first robin of spring

Sun: aquarius (air/fixed), 7:22am - 5:47pm
Moon: waxing crescent, aries (fire/cardinal)
Earth: snow overnight, layering a few inches this morning and still coming down in large, lazy flakes

This morning as I was getting dressed, I glanced out the bedroom window to spot the first robin of the still-so-new season of spring — in fact, a whole flock of them! Flitting and gliding between the neighbor's low bushes across the street, and the bare branches of the sycamore tree just downhill of our driveway. I counted at least fifteen of them, feathers ruffled and puffed out fat and fluffy against the cold, the unmistakably familiar red breast and dark wings. In among them was a single, brilliant red cardinal. I watched them for a good five minutes, dancing and weaving through the falling snow, dark creatures swinging through a dim white-and-gray landscape.

I could hardly contain my excitement about them. Playing through my mind again was the admonition of Brigid, from the Sassafras Grove Imbolc ritual three nights ago when the priestess drew the omen after our offerings had been made: "Spring comes through nature. Go out into nature to observe the real signs of spring coming." I took this to heart, as it echoed the advice I've been sensing from her for a while. The need to get back out there, ground in the woods and fields unrolling beneath the sky. I've allowed the winter's cold to intimidate me and keep me huddled in my home, feeling frustrated with the restless energy of cabin fever. The priestess interpreted the omen to be a gentle warning: do not sit in your warm, cozy homes and simply visualize spring coming — go out into the woods, go out to walk upon the earth, and see what is truly around us.

I can't help but think that this is also a plea for our attention and attending. That there are whole flocks of robins here and yet it seems so early.... It's been a long, unusually cold winter, yet already the robins are here. Part of me worries about the health of our planet, the extremes in season that seem to be increasing with every year. I think Brigid is not only asking us to attend to nature for our own good, but because the earth desperately needs us to be paying attention, to be listening for the signs of the dancing, turning seasons so that we can better recognize when that dance is out of balance or disrupted too drastically. In past years, sometimes I've felt spring hardly lasted — only a few weeks of mild, muddy weather before the heat of summer began to creep back in around the edges. Will that pattern repeat itself this year? I cannot know if I am not attending to the signs in the natural world around me, if I am too busy inside in front of a computer screen to notice the real world outside.

Still, a flock of robins is a blessing, and they were so beautiful! Spring cannot be so far away, when I can remember the fields bespeckled with dozens and dozens of robins hopping over muddy ground seeking out worms and bugs in the newly green grass. Just a little longer....

(I do intend to write about the Sassafras Grove Imbolc ritual. As soon as I have the chance!)

Diary

Days of Note: Brigantia Ritual with Sassafras Grove

Sun: aquarius (air/fixed), 7:26am - 5:43pm
Moon: waxing crescent, pisces (water/mutable)
Earth: chilly and rainy, gray, much of the snow melting away leaving behind slick ice and patches of old, dead grass

I have decided to cease updating this diary on a daily basis. Although it was a practice recommended by DOTR as part of their aspirant work, I have found pretty consistently that it was leading me to a place of frustration and blockage. I'm sure the daily diary wasn't the only source of these feelings, but beyond a doubt it contributed. The process of sitting down to list out the thoughts and activities of each day, for weeks on end, often left me feeling as though I were being scrutinized under a microscope, each day analyzed for its valuable or important content (and, more often than not, coming up lacking). The practice was, at least for me, one that was overly analytical — in the original sense of the word, as the opposite of synthesis, meaning to "break apart" or to separate out and make judgements. The etymological roots of "analysis" also have to do with "setting free, loosening," and for some people I'm sure that this kind of practice, with its simple daily structure, could do just that. (It seems like the kind of thing that Jeff would appreciate and enjoy doing.) But for me, I long for the composition of "synthesis," and the silence of the space-between the moments of that process. Trying to keep a brief diary structure every day kept me stuck in a hamster wheel of analysis while still failing to give me the space to compose my thoughts and feelings and express them as fully as I wanted. I don't think I would have been comfortable rambling on in this way about a subject seemingly tangential to the purpose of this diary, for instance, in the old format.

So the daily diary format recommend by DOTR just does not work for me. I have been keeping a journal of one kind of another for most of my life now, starting back in middle school at the recommendation of one of my mother's friends (who was a school counselor). The practice comes and goes, and when I look back I have only a patchwork record of my life, most of it boring or silly, or both. I admit, the idea of creating a daily record of events and thoughts appealed to my intellectual side — being able to look back over the course of a year and look for coincidences and patterns seemed fascinating. But in the end, the effort of creating such a record would defeat its purpose. Since taking up the practice, most of my entries have focused on feelings of frustration and restriction. The days when I've been most alive and eager have been those days when I most wanted not to bother with the diary. (This is how it often goes, I've heard.) But that's how it should be. We shouldn't necessarily want a nice and accurate daily record of life — we don't experience it that way, and we don't remember it that way. Trying to keep such a record is almost entirely future-focused: it's an activity you do now so that you can benefit from it in the future. There's not anything wrong with that per se, but I was finding that it interfered with my ability to ground myself in the present. Since making the decision about a week ago to officially "give it up," I find myself feeling much freer and more relaxed about the structure of my days. There is not so much a push to Accomplish Great Things, and so my days are quieter and gentler and a little bit more playful. Sometimes, that's exactly what I need. I am not a machine. Not every day will be interesting or full of relevance. I'm okay with that.

But I do want to continue to use this diary as a place to chronicle my progress through the DOTR Aspirant lessons which, feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, I stopped pursuing for the last several weeks. Now, feeling grounded in the present and freed from constant self-consciousness about my days, I feel up to the task of returning to that work.

I also want to include in this the developing aspects of my relationship with Brigid Star Fire, and the online "Lady of the Stars" group that has grown up in response to her inspiration. That was an unpredicted event, but one that I am so grateful for — being involved in this group has continued to strengthen my relationship with her and give me many opportunities to explore her Mysteries. I will probably be writing a longer entry on this some time in the near future, I hope.

I also want to note in this diary whatever other Druidry-related activities or events are going on in my life. For instance, tonight I am planning to attend the Brigantia Ritual being hosted by the Sassafras Grove, the local ADF grove in Pittsburgh. This will, for all intents and purposes, be my first non-festival, non-family group ritual as a Pagan. Most of my work until now has been solitary, or working with Jeff and the kids in small family rites on the solar and fire festivals throughout the year. When Jeff and I attended the Festival of Lights (I think that was its name?) with Cat and Peter up in Massachusetts last year, we participated in the large group ceremony that opened the festival weekend — but in my mind, that hardly counts as an actual ritual, since it was mostly all of us standing in a crowded conference room while a few people spoke prayers or songs of welcome. To me, it's not a real ritual without a few candles and some incense, at least. (Years ago, I also attended a summer solstice ritual with a group of eclectic Pagans in the woods — but I attended as an academic researcher and "token Christian" then, so... not quite the same.)

Which means tonight, I'll be attending my "first" group ritual with fellow Druids. I am actually quite nervous about it (had a dream last night about almost everything going wrong: getting lost, forgetting my offerings, not being able to dress appropriately, etc.), mostly because I'm shy in person and tend to clam up around strangers. I'm not sure what to expect. I've been wanting to start making contacts in the local community for a long time now, and looking at Sassafras Grove in particular as one of the most active Druid groups around, and well connected within ADF. But their public rituals throughout the year have largely focused on Norse or Saxon pantheons, and their workshops and discussion groups have been scheduled during times when I couldn't go (or didn't know about them until too late). Even this ritual is dedicated to Brigantia — Brigid in her Romano-Celtic context — which is not often how I work with her. But then, I work with her in a way that is probably fairly unique and not necessarily supported by current academic research. (She's not exactly known as a Star Goddess.) But I decided that I could spend a lot of time coming up with reasons why the Sassafras Grove wasn't a good fit, lots of reasons why they don't do things quite the way I would.... in the end, these were just excuses to stay in my solitary practice instead of reaching out to make contact and forge connections. In honor of Brigid, and her holy day of Imbolc, a day of new beginnings and coming spring, I thought it would be a good time to suck it up and face my nerves.

So I will also be updating this diary about my ritual and meditative experiences, as a way to process my experiences and sift through the thoughts, feelings and spiritual shifts that arise because of them. I hope that I'll be attending more group events in the future. If and when I do, I'll be writing about them here.

Daily Diary

Sun: aquarius (air/fixed), 7:33am - 5:33pm
Moon: waning crescent, sagittarius (fire/mutable)
Earth: snow. for the past three days, steady snow layering in slush and ice (hovering in the low 30s), punctuated by moments of sunshine through the clouds

Thoughts: thinking some more about a plan for the next several years in terms of building a career; had a conversation with Jeff over lunch about increasing my skill set for the contractor work I'm doing, including taking an online course in transcription and possibly some tutorials in one or more computer scripts; also, thinking about the revamped website and what I would include, how I would organize it and what its purpose would be (to showcase my writing and my author "persona" while distancing myself from the "passive-ist" stigma that's cropped up due to my writing on P+P, also to expand my audience beyond "Pagans" to include broader interest in earth- and nature-spiritualities)

Actions: slow morning getting going again (after two days off to focus on wedding stuff and website/writing stuff), spent some time singing and crying over Egypt and political angst; brainstorming ideas for new website; late lunch with Jeff, then several hours of contractor work; took a half-hour break to take a walk through the woods in late afternoon; after dinner, sat down to revise the LotS Imbolc ritual to post to the forum

Connections: feeling really good about the work I did for LotS once again; it seems silly to worry so much about internet/FB stuff when the work I do with this group always feels so focused and satisfying (and free of the stigma that I am inherently unreasonable/extreme because I'm a pacifist); I do very much enjoy writing ritual and working through meditations with this group; also, it brings me closer to my goddess, for which I am incredibly grateful; also dealing with some of the old sorrow over politics after reading a depressing article this morning about the news of protests in Egypt and VP Biden's reaction to it (basically that freedom and democracy serve economic interests, not the other way around, and should only be granted if they don't threaten the regime stability of our allies); Ani's "Next Bold Move" got me through that one with only a few tears, but afterward, it felt good to allow sorrow to be sorrow, and not try to justify it or reason it away through bickering

Daily Tarot Card: The Ace of Cups signifies the gifts offered by the mysterious depths of emotion and intuition, and the reflective perceptions and perspective to be gained from engaging deeply and authentically in our nonrational selves, exploring our dreams and creative longings. It is a card of gladness and blessings, signifying emotional fulfillment and enjoyment not from any concrete gain but from feeling ourselves more in tune with the rhythms and currents of life.

What two gifts does the Ace of Cups offer to me now? To the left: The Tower (XVI) signifies a sudden and shaking confrontation with truth and reality in all its complexity and unpredictability. A sharp change in perspective that may bring dreams or plans crashing down, the gift of the Tower offered by the Ace of Cups might be a deeper exploration of the shadow self, the nonrational and irrational aspects that have been hushed up and shuffled aside for the sake of "more important" plans, and now reassert themselves with a vengeance, demanding attention and reconciliation. This is a card of consequences and deeper integration in the face of difficulty and sometimes tragedy. Perhaps as a gift of the Ace of Cups, the sorrow or grief of the Tower is itself a gift, a flowing-over of emotion into expression, helping to cleanse and find renewal.

To the right: the Six of Pentacles, a card of mutual support and generosity, spiraling through a cycle of self-sustaining life and giving. Success has led to prosperity that is now poured out for others in need, watering the thirsty ground so that others may drink and grow, and in turn offer their support and generosity to others. This card is one that indicates the wise and compassionate sharing of resources and gifts with others, not merely as a superior benefactor to the lowly and needy, but as one who is in the midst of cultivating those gifts with the support and encouragement of others around us. As a gift of the Ace of Cups, we experience the emotional and spiritual fulfillment in witnessing in a very visceral, manifest way the ways in which we are all connected in a cycle of generosity, prosperity and charity to others. Unlike the Tower, which may have consolidated resources to build higher and higher towards a particular purpose, the Six of Pentacles seems to celebrate the sharing and gift-giving as a distribution and diffusion of resources among all so that all may benefit. The cycle of giving and support may even be more important than the specifics of the gifts themselves in some ways. This, again, reflects the themes of gladness and connection in the Ace of Cups, as well as reflecting that aspect of dreams and ideals that can guide us even when they seem impractical. The Six of Pentacles shows us that such generosity is the height of practicality, when gifts are giving gladly and joyfully to others as an expression of our relationship and connection.

Daily Diary

Days of Note: Flamekeeping

Sun: aquarius (air/fixed), 7:36am - 5:29pm
Moon: last quarter, scorpio (water/fixed)
Earth: warm enough to rain, with temperatures above freezing, delicious fog in the morning and then wet and rainy all day

Thoughts: mostly my mind was occupied with work today, which doesn't leave much room for day-dreaming; thought a bit about propaganda, and how (as Jeff points out) if it were easy to spot, it wouldn't be as effective as it is, yet it still disturbs me how apparently blind some folks are; also thought about community and its purpose, and whether or not it's a waste of my time to try to engage in a community just out of a sense of obligation, even if it does not nurture my soul; also, thought about Brigid and the prayer to smoor the fire (to "smother" it at the end of a day to protect the coals overnight to be relit in the morning)

Actions: after breakfast, headed out to Phipps, spent some time walking the indoor gardens before buckling down to contractor work; lunch there at Phipps, then several more hours of work; dinner at home, watching some TV with Jeff; wrote a brief rant-post for the blog (by accident), then a few more hours of work; followed by some flamekeeping time composing prayers for Brigid

Connections: worn out, but feeling productive and got quite a good number of hours in for work, happily; frustrated about some online stuff, but I think I'm making progress in terms of integrating what I know intellectually to be true so that I can have the strength of heart and character to follow through with my intention to remove myself from unhealthy communities... we'll see

Daily Tarot Card: The Six of Wands is a card of victory and triumph, success that has come from decisive action and hard work, overcoming challenges and challengers who have thrown obstacles in our way. Now, we achieve a victory and receive due recognition for our success. Yet something still nags at us - as the number six is only an initial completion of a cycle and not the end of our journey, this card also represents an urge not to "rest on our laurels," but to continue to work, to remain ready and willing to take on new challenges, as they will almost surely arise. A caution against arrogance, we can enjoy our moment of glory without allowing it to turn to complacency and laziness.

Daily Diary

Days of Note: Flamekeeping shift starts at sundown

Sun: aquarius (air/fixed), 7:36am - 5:28pm
Moon: waning gibbous, libra (air/cardinal)
Earth: a smidgeon warmer than the past few days, warm enough to snow, in sparse, slow flakes all day that didn't stick much to the ground

Thoughts: mainly frustrated and preoccupied by the hostility of the blog comments I've been trying to deal with, and trying to figure out a way to respond without being dragged down by the meanness and smallness of the responses (but not wanting to leave such comments go unanswered entirely, since I think the rudeness does warrant a reply); also thinking about how interesting it is that even people decidedly on the conservative side of the political spectrum and parroting Right Wing talking points, will mimic a liberal rhetoric of tolerance, open-mindedness and even relativism in order to defend their right to express unpopular or hostile opinions... it's like even conservatives recognize that arguments in support of acceptance are signs of strength and maturity in discourse, and will use them to secure the "higher ground" in debate even while completely betraying them in actual practice; I'm not sure if this is reason to be hopeful, or simply frustrated... but it does suggest to me that the ideas of acceptance and open-mindedness really are understood (intuitively or subconsciously, anyway) as positions of strength rather than weakness, at least in American society, even in the midst of violent and hateful rhetoric; someone should do a study on that, if they haven't already; otherwise, my mind mainly preoccupied with why I feel so fatigued and worn out, and thinking of ways to turn back to simple daily devotional or ritual practices to help ground me and restore my energy and sense of balance

Actions: woke up exhausted after another night of snoring and painful restless legs; spent the morning responding to blog comments (what a frustrating waste of time), then took some time to pray to Brigid with my prayer beads and try to get myself together; after lunch, ran out to Joanne's to get the flameless candle in a decorative vase I've been wanting to use for my flamekeeping shift, in celebration of my one year anniversary and Imbolc coming up; spent some time at Panera getting contractor work done (and replying to more blog comments, briefly), then came home, began my flamekeeping shift with some ritual and prayer while Jeff made dinner; after dinner, Jeff and I took a walk in the snowy woods; then spent another couple hours doing contractor work

Connections: trying to accept my own anxiety and frustration as a healthy or at least natural quality of myself, instead of as a failure on my part to be better or more detached or less bothered by these blog trolls; that I can be so upset and bothered not only by their comments but by how I've tried to handle the response just goes to show that I do engage in self-reflection and can recognize when I'm stepping over a line or getting away from my own center - and if I can recognize that, then I can strive to do it less often, and to return to my center when I realize I'm doing it; so, trying to be gentle and forgiving with myself, while also doing better at not rising to the bait; prayer and a walk in the woods helped so amazingly, it's hard to believe... for which I'm grateful

Daily Tarot Card: Hmm. So, tonight I drew The Devil (XV), a card of temptation and addiction, hopelessness and frustration, and the choices that we make that keep us locked up and subservient to our less noble or empowering impulses. (Yet, as noted before in my daily drawings, the Devil is also a card of instinct towards self-preservation, which can sometimes be necessary even when it is selfish or ruthless.) It seemed pretty clear that this card reflected my frustrations throughout the day, being dragged down, tied up and even manipulated by the "trolls" on the P+P blog and also my need to engage with them keeping me distracted and anxious. To seek clarification, then, I cut the deck a second time to draw two cards, which I placed to the left and right of the Devil in the center: one to represent "the lock," and one to represent "the key," which play such prominent roles in the symbolism of the Devil card.

For the lock, on the left, I drew The Hierophant (V), a priest of ritual and tradition, whose wisdom is rooted deeply and firmly in the ancient earth. Teaching transformation and growth through discipline and adherence to the old ways, this priest symbolizes the epitome of stillness and rootedness in the past, not as one who fears change, but as an expression of the spiritual or religious urge throughout history. This is the overt individual or social expression of the religious urge at its most basic, where worship gives rise to custom, and custom inculcates and cultivates belief and perspective.

For the key, on the right, I drew Death (XIII), card of transformation, rebirth and renewal, drastic changes arising from the relationship between destruction and creation, sorrow and joy, in the dance of fire and song as portrayed in the symbol of the phoenix. This card is the ultimate in change and flux, the utterly new being born from the ashes of the old, discarding all that is unhealthy or detrimental, burning away everything that isn't necessary to find the core of our soul to be transformed and renewed. Embracing the process of death or change willingly, with innocence, can lead to transformation and new life in joy (though not without difficulty and struggle), while those entrenched in old ways resist and cling to a past no longer relevant or beneficial.

The lock and the key. At first, I imagined the lock as that which keeps me bound - yet the Hierophant has been, for me, a decidedly good and helpful card, one encouraging devotion to ritual as a manifestation in the physical world of my spiritual life, and a reminder of my ties to the ancestors and their wisdom, and the deep, ancient wisdom of the Earth and her natural laws that cannot be ignored or discarded. In this way, the lock is a participant in the process of seeking freedom: without a lock, a chain is just a chain, a bondage unbreakable no matter how hard you might struggle. But bound by a lock, a chain becomes something that can be loosened and removed, unbound with the right key. Instead of needing a file or awe to break the chains, only a harmless, little key is needed to find freedom. So it seems this reading, of all major arcana cards, indicates that ritual and tradition are the lock into which the key of death and transformation fit, and through the bringing together of these two urges (which, in some ways, seem distinctly opposite), I can find the freedom from the bonds that seem to pull me apart, the bonds of addiction and frustration in The Devil. Ancient wisdom and new life, together. The lock: a thing of structure and tradition and custom, perhaps indicating a willingness to engage in a community of tradition passed down by the ancestors and elders; and the key: a turning, a change, a movement within that structure that releases the bonds that bind and opens the way to free. A key is what the lock is for, and the lock gives the key its meaning and function.

Fascinating! Unexpected for just another daily reading. Hmm.

Daily Diary

Sun: aquarius (air/fixed), 7:37am - 5:27pm
Moon: waning gibbous, libra (air/cardinal)
Earth: still. very. cold.

Thoughts: thinking about the idea of "breath" and its connection to spirit in preparation for Savanah's Druidry lesson today; also spent some time thinking and talking with Jeff about issues of copyright, plagiarism and support for creative work, as well as football, cars and why American culture is so strange and unhealthy; in the evening, spent time analyzing discourse on online political blogs and following up with some comments about insanity and hyper-rationality in politics and culture; responded to Johnny's follow-up comment on his post about "low-intensity ritual" and everyday customs, which of course got me thinking about Brigid Star-Fire and my commitment to daily devotional work with her (and wanting to get back to it)

Actions: kept up much of the night by somebody snoring (ahem - Jeff); so slept in late, lazed around in the morning, showered, spent time after breakfast preparing Savanah's Druidry lesson and then doing Savanah's lesson (along with Jeff); then after lunch (and the kids dropped off earlier so they could go to a party), headed out to get some food with Jeff and swing by the Apple Store and Journey's in Shadyside do to some window-shopping and day-dreaming; back home, watched some television and spent some time responding to blog comments

Connections: I think way too many things in a given day to keep track of them all; maybe I should get myself a tape recorder or something; also, political blogging wears me out and rarely feels worth the effort (people persist in being rude and obnoxious, and then justifying their behavior by mimicking the rhetoric of tolerance and liberalism.... it's ironic in an exhausting kind of way); what I want is to spend more time writing poetry, or doing the ritual equivalent, like walking in the woods, listening, opening, attending.... but it's so f'ing cold outside.... sigh....

Daily Tarot Card: The Queen of Swords is a figure of piercing insight and clarity of thought, balanced by and arising from a receptivity to the living, changing world around her. Her mature acceptance of the slip-ups and difficulties natural to life have led to her deep wisdom, inner strength and independence - her sense of humor belies her apparent aloofness, though her detachment is also what gives her the distance and perspective necessary to see more deeply and clearly the patterns of things. She wields her sword not as a weapon of brute force, but as an instrument of precision and delicacy whether in analysis or judgement, and she has about her person a lightness-of-being that finds its echo in the butterfly's wing and the curling petals of the purple dragon lilies.

(My notes: I am too tired for the Queen of Swords right now. To maintain this receptivity and light-heartedness, balancing it with dispassionate intellect and emotional nonattatchment.... it's too tiring, and I don't think I'm up for it. How do you walk that line between harsh shrew and fuzzy-minded push-over? How to maintain clarity without being accused of either "white light and fluffy bunnies" or the hard, cold-minded heartlessness of dissection? I don't have the energy to be a Queen of Swords. It is too clumsy a thing for me to wield with delicacy. My arms are tired.)(Metaphorically speaking.)

Daily Diary

Sun: aquarius (air/fixed), 7:38am - 5:26pm
Moon: *waning gibbous, virgo (earth/mutable)
Earth: another bitterly cold day in the teens, bright and glinting sunlight that does not warm, and I am so sick of snow and cold

Thoughts: spent most of the morning considering the socio-political context of sanity and rationality after reading an interview with a scholar about the historical precedents for the assassination attempt in Arizona earlier this month; spent some time also considering how to rekindle my daily devotions to Brigid and recommit to that work, as well as my creative work; sadly, I found myself more than once feeling annoyed or irritated by the kids for various not-very-important reasons

Actions: got up fairly early and headed out to the café to get some work done, but ended my time updating the wedding blog and then composing a post for P+P; had a relatively lazy afternoon of "hovering," supervising the kids along with Jeff as they sorted through their books and cleaned up their room; wrote a brief email to Nathan about grad school, though I want to get in contact with him via phone or Skype in some way to discuss things more in-depth; napped before dinner, then spent time after dinner catching up in the LotS forum trying to participate in some conversation about our upcoming Imbolc ritual and what it might involve

Connections: honestly, feeling kind of groggy and disoriented since the (unintentional) nap and not very focused; somewhat frustrated throughout the day by kids being so full of questions about some things, but then entirely uninterested (sometimes it seems willfully neglectful or forgetful) about other things; also frustrated with a comment left to my P+P post that was so arbitrary and irrelevant that it was clearly meant to be hostile and disparaging rather than an attempt at actual conversation; all in all, just feeling cabin fever with the cold and the snow and feeling as though the embers of spiritual discipline are smoldering low at the moment; asking for Brigid's help in keeping them burning through these difficult, dull days before spring...

Daily Tarot Card: Judgement (XX) is a card of rebirth, renewal and new life, called forth from a state of slumber or seeming death, awakened by the clear, bright sounds of truth ringing over the world. The Song of the World beats through all beings, moving them to dance, and the truth that reawakens us is the realization that we are one with those around us, that the Earth, our mother, is an intimate part of the greater cosmos and has her place, as we do ours, in the grand patterns of meaning and purpose that spiral through galaxies. This is a card of atonement in this sense — at-one-ment, seeking right relationship with our deepest, truest selves where they touch the deep, true selves of all other beings and of the World Song itself.

Daily Diary

Sun: aquarius (air/fixed), 7:38am - 5:25pm
Moon: *waning gibbous, virgo (earth/mutable)
Earth: just... cold, all day (I'm not even kidding, it's 6º F right now), with clouds blowing in bringing glittery snow, and otherwise bright sun and gusting winds causing drifts of the snow already fallen

Thoughts: had a list of things I wanted to get done today, and make some good headway in the housework and organization department, but most of my mind was occupied today with feeling like I wasn't getting enough done, and noticing all the little ways that the kids annoy me when they fail to clean up their messes, or hide their mess and think we won't discover it (today, I found out that three of the four kids have empty boxes and packaging from toys stashed in their bureau instead of clothes, with their clothes on the floor and a pair of underwear even stuff among books on their bookshelf, where of course the books weren't put away neatly but piled in a sliding mass so that some were already ripped..... etc.); also, while doing some housework, Jeff read to me some political articles online, which just left me feeling frustrated and helpless, like I live in a country full of selfish, greedy idiots.... which may or may not be true, but I dislike how frustrated and anxious it made me feel

Actions: slept in on my "day off," went to Pamela's with Jeff for brunch, swung by the bank to deposit my most recent check; built bookshelves for downstairs, put away the Christmas decorations for another year, ironed and hemmed the curtains in the dining room, finally installed the wall sconces and curtains in the living room, changed out the curtains in the library (and took down the curtains in the kids' room until we talk to them about tugging on them and bending the curtain rods nearly in half); watched the movie The Blues Brothers with Jeff after dinner and got to talking about doing a cartoon video spoof for our wedding blog, incorporating other themes from other favorite shows and movies of ours

Connections: usually, cleaning and housework make me feel good and productive, but today seemed to involve a lot of false starts and failures (we have gaping holes in plaster on one wall now because apparently these walls are made of impenetrable super-wall in some places and you can't tell where until you try to put a nail in), not to mention long periods of dull work, like the ironing; as a result, even though I really did get a lot done, I'm feeling like I didn't get much done and this is frustrating me; I think it also extends to the politics stuff and just how disgusted I am with the whole thing, yet torn because I feel like it's somehow irresponsible or apathetic to turn my back on all of it.... yet, I'm not sure how bickering online and reading article after article about the same shit every day does any good - it's boarders on superstition to think that merely "staying informed" somehow transforms people into responsible citizens.... sigh

Daily Tarot Card: The World (XXI) is a card of wholeness and unity, connection and interconnection, relationship with the diversity of unique individual beings all dancing in harmony to the Song of the World as it moves each one in its own and proper rhythm. There is a sense of fulfillment and completion about this card, a coming into one's own as a result of hard work and growth, yet it is also a card that inevitably leads to a new beginning, a new journey in which we begin again as the Fool. This card represents a balancing of feminine and masculine aspects within ourselves that allows us to become whole without external pressures pushing us to rivalry or harshness. We take life in stride, the good and the bad, and trust the place it all has in the "bigger picture," perhaps even experiencing glimpses of this grander scheme before we move on again, through the peaks and valleys natural to life, bringing both joy and sorrow, grief and peace of mind in their beauty and balance. (My notes: I am totally not feeling this card tonight - but perhaps it is meant to be a reminder... or a promise.)

Daily Diary

Sun: aquarius (air/fixed); 7:39am - 5:23pm
Moon: **full moon, leo (fire/fixed)
Earth: much colder with snow starting in early afternoon and continuing into evening, steady and cold and gray and blah

Thoughts: started the morning by thinking about the relationship between reason and faith (especially the tradition of rationalism and secularism, and the tradition of exclusive monotheistic faith) in the history of Western society, sparked by an article Kevin sent me; also did some thinking about the myth of Cú Chulainn and the role of irony and tragedy in Celtic mythology, and why so many Pagans seem to want to take for granted a role model/infallible interpretation of the great heros of myth, justifying whatever actions they take; otherwise, spent most of today focused on work, trying to plow through; spent some time in the evening planning a to-do list for my "day off" tomorrow, chores and things to do around the house

Actions: went to Panera for the morning to get some work done (contractor work, mainly, though also spent some time reading an article that Kevin sent me); ran some errands at the grocery store and picked up a few candles before heading home for lunch; spent the afternoon plugging away at work and fighting a headache; then relaxed after dinner, poked around online

Connections: got some good thoughts in about two really interested topics, and honestly, it's nice to be able to ponder these things without the automatic instinct/urge to "write about them" in a blog; gives the ideas some room to breathe, instead of constant pressure to put on their "game face" and go out to perform and prove myself; it is also really nice to be able to plug away at simple tasks at work and accomplish something (have I mentioned that already?); now I just want this headache and stuffy nose to go away, and I'll be all set

Daily Tarot Card: The Knight of Swords is a figure of intensity, purpose, one might say single-mindedness. With sharp intellect and brutal honesty, this knight gives little credence to emotions and their role - he charges ahead, driven by his vision and his goals. He can be domineering and harsh, as well as fearless and loyal. In some circumstances, his energy and action may be exactly what's needed to cut through the red tape and charge courageously ahead. At other times, he can be callous, overbearing and prone to take or cause offense, trodding on the emotions of others without regard and sensitivity.