Daily Diary

Days of Note: Flamekeeping shift starts at sundown

Sun: aquarius (air/fixed), 7:36am - 5:28pm
Moon: waning gibbous, libra (air/cardinal)
Earth: a smidgeon warmer than the past few days, warm enough to snow, in sparse, slow flakes all day that didn't stick much to the ground

Thoughts: mainly frustrated and preoccupied by the hostility of the blog comments I've been trying to deal with, and trying to figure out a way to respond without being dragged down by the meanness and smallness of the responses (but not wanting to leave such comments go unanswered entirely, since I think the rudeness does warrant a reply); also thinking about how interesting it is that even people decidedly on the conservative side of the political spectrum and parroting Right Wing talking points, will mimic a liberal rhetoric of tolerance, open-mindedness and even relativism in order to defend their right to express unpopular or hostile opinions... it's like even conservatives recognize that arguments in support of acceptance are signs of strength and maturity in discourse, and will use them to secure the "higher ground" in debate even while completely betraying them in actual practice; I'm not sure if this is reason to be hopeful, or simply frustrated... but it does suggest to me that the ideas of acceptance and open-mindedness really are understood (intuitively or subconsciously, anyway) as positions of strength rather than weakness, at least in American society, even in the midst of violent and hateful rhetoric; someone should do a study on that, if they haven't already; otherwise, my mind mainly preoccupied with why I feel so fatigued and worn out, and thinking of ways to turn back to simple daily devotional or ritual practices to help ground me and restore my energy and sense of balance

Actions: woke up exhausted after another night of snoring and painful restless legs; spent the morning responding to blog comments (what a frustrating waste of time), then took some time to pray to Brigid with my prayer beads and try to get myself together; after lunch, ran out to Joanne's to get the flameless candle in a decorative vase I've been wanting to use for my flamekeeping shift, in celebration of my one year anniversary and Imbolc coming up; spent some time at Panera getting contractor work done (and replying to more blog comments, briefly), then came home, began my flamekeeping shift with some ritual and prayer while Jeff made dinner; after dinner, Jeff and I took a walk in the snowy woods; then spent another couple hours doing contractor work

Connections: trying to accept my own anxiety and frustration as a healthy or at least natural quality of myself, instead of as a failure on my part to be better or more detached or less bothered by these blog trolls; that I can be so upset and bothered not only by their comments but by how I've tried to handle the response just goes to show that I do engage in self-reflection and can recognize when I'm stepping over a line or getting away from my own center - and if I can recognize that, then I can strive to do it less often, and to return to my center when I realize I'm doing it; so, trying to be gentle and forgiving with myself, while also doing better at not rising to the bait; prayer and a walk in the woods helped so amazingly, it's hard to believe... for which I'm grateful

Daily Tarot Card: Hmm. So, tonight I drew The Devil (XV), a card of temptation and addiction, hopelessness and frustration, and the choices that we make that keep us locked up and subservient to our less noble or empowering impulses. (Yet, as noted before in my daily drawings, the Devil is also a card of instinct towards self-preservation, which can sometimes be necessary even when it is selfish or ruthless.) It seemed pretty clear that this card reflected my frustrations throughout the day, being dragged down, tied up and even manipulated by the "trolls" on the P+P blog and also my need to engage with them keeping me distracted and anxious. To seek clarification, then, I cut the deck a second time to draw two cards, which I placed to the left and right of the Devil in the center: one to represent "the lock," and one to represent "the key," which play such prominent roles in the symbolism of the Devil card.

For the lock, on the left, I drew The Hierophant (V), a priest of ritual and tradition, whose wisdom is rooted deeply and firmly in the ancient earth. Teaching transformation and growth through discipline and adherence to the old ways, this priest symbolizes the epitome of stillness and rootedness in the past, not as one who fears change, but as an expression of the spiritual or religious urge throughout history. This is the overt individual or social expression of the religious urge at its most basic, where worship gives rise to custom, and custom inculcates and cultivates belief and perspective.

For the key, on the right, I drew Death (XIII), card of transformation, rebirth and renewal, drastic changes arising from the relationship between destruction and creation, sorrow and joy, in the dance of fire and song as portrayed in the symbol of the phoenix. This card is the ultimate in change and flux, the utterly new being born from the ashes of the old, discarding all that is unhealthy or detrimental, burning away everything that isn't necessary to find the core of our soul to be transformed and renewed. Embracing the process of death or change willingly, with innocence, can lead to transformation and new life in joy (though not without difficulty and struggle), while those entrenched in old ways resist and cling to a past no longer relevant or beneficial.

The lock and the key. At first, I imagined the lock as that which keeps me bound - yet the Hierophant has been, for me, a decidedly good and helpful card, one encouraging devotion to ritual as a manifestation in the physical world of my spiritual life, and a reminder of my ties to the ancestors and their wisdom, and the deep, ancient wisdom of the Earth and her natural laws that cannot be ignored or discarded. In this way, the lock is a participant in the process of seeking freedom: without a lock, a chain is just a chain, a bondage unbreakable no matter how hard you might struggle. But bound by a lock, a chain becomes something that can be loosened and removed, unbound with the right key. Instead of needing a file or awe to break the chains, only a harmless, little key is needed to find freedom. So it seems this reading, of all major arcana cards, indicates that ritual and tradition are the lock into which the key of death and transformation fit, and through the bringing together of these two urges (which, in some ways, seem distinctly opposite), I can find the freedom from the bonds that seem to pull me apart, the bonds of addiction and frustration in The Devil. Ancient wisdom and new life, together. The lock: a thing of structure and tradition and custom, perhaps indicating a willingness to engage in a community of tradition passed down by the ancestors and elders; and the key: a turning, a change, a movement within that structure that releases the bonds that bind and opens the way to free. A key is what the lock is for, and the lock gives the key its meaning and function.

Fascinating! Unexpected for just another daily reading. Hmm.