Diary

Days of Note: First Quarter White Waking Moon

Sun: aquarius (air/fixed), 7:19am - 5:50pm
Moon: *first quarter, gemini (air/mutable)
Earth: just below freezing, with gentle winds and gentle sun, but still very much winter despite the first hinting stirrings of spring


Today, my second "day off" of the week, I woke up at 6:30 AM wide awake. Of course, it being still dark and Jeff being pretty much sound asleep, I didn't bother to actually get up. Still, I was full of energy and excitement about the day. Most likely because it was my "day off" and I was eager to get back to what I'd been working on my last "day off," Wedding Wednesday — which I spent, not on wedding stuff as I should have, but on taking the first steps towards designing and setting up my new website. I can become obsessive about these things. It's always been the case that a huge motivating factor for me is the appearance and packaging of a thing. That may sound shallow or superficial, but for me, part of the thrill of a beautiful piece of writing is the aesthetic pleasure of the physical book itself: the heft and weight of it, the scent of book binding glue, the neat, elegant formatting of the fonts, the cover art. And when it comes to online writing, this spills over into websites. A website can be — contrary to so much embarrassing evidence out there — elegant and beautiful and inviting, a worthy showcase of excellent work. I want my website to be like that. And so I thrill at the hours upon hours that I get to spend tweaking code and experimenting with color combinations and layout features.

When all's said and done, though, I want to be able to fill a website with awesome material. So as much as I was excited about having a day off today, I knew that I really couldn't go much further on the website design without facing the music and buckling down to some actual writing. And weirdly enough, I was dreading that. I had a restless frustration, like cabin-and/or-spring fever, that made me worry I wouldn't be able to settle down to do the creative work I wanted to do. I feel like it's been so long since I've done creative writing that really sang my soul-song. And of course, I've been feeling pressure (or, more kindly, leadings) from Brigid that I should be turning back to this work and cultivating it. Even my aspirant work with DOTR this lesson is focused on creative work and our relationship with awen, the Druid concept of inspiration, the fire-in-the-head breath of the gods. So every day I failed to write creatively, it became that much harder to have any confidence that I still had it in me.

This morning, I got in a few hours of work before lunch, and generally wasted time poking around online reading articles and blog feeds and Facebook updates that left me feeling befuddled and muddy headed. I knew I needed to give myself time and space in which to be creative, but that restlessness was keeping me from calming down. That, plus the monthly cravings for pastries and chocolate were at constant war with my commitment to the mostly-raw vegan diet Jeff and I are trying out, and the result was the weird sensation that I was... bored. Which is hard to explain. But boredom as an emotional state, and the tension of cravings for un-filling, bad-for-me food, were hardly distinguishable. So finally, in early afternoon, I decided to compromise: I had one piece of chocolate from the stash my mother sent me in a care package for Valentine's Day, and then I went downstairs and got one of my numerous How To Write Poetry workbooks (I know where they all are now, because Jeff and I have organized our bookshelves, hurrah!). I read through the introduction and the beginning of the first chapter before getting to the first exercise. Then I sat down, and I did it. I've already shared the results.

Or, at least, the product of the process. But there were other results, too. It took me hours to write that poem, hours of weighing and pushing and feeling my way through each line. Even now, I'm not sure if it's any good or not. But the process was so satisfying and restful, and something I had missed so much without even realizing it. It was work, in the best sense of the word. Not busywork to keep me churning and spinning my wheels, not time clocked or overly specific exercises leading step-by-step. It was just the work of digging and sensing and sitting quietly listening to the rhythm of each line, each word, and working my way slowly, gently, towards the poem's end. It was so satisfying, yet calming, that after dinner I felt as though I had plenty of energy and motivation, and I was eager to plunge back in. Jeff had a few hours of work left to do, since he took time out of the middle of the day to run errands before the kids come this weekend. So I buckled down to tackle some revision work I'd been meaning to do for a while.

The plan with the new website is to make it mostly a static site to showcase my writing and publications (and possibly photographs), with a blog feature incorporated to share news and smaller essays. I won't be exporting the old Meadowsweet blog into this new site, but instead I'm going ahead with my original plan to compile the best pieces from the old blog into a book to make available on Lulu (or, possibly, through a publisher, if Graeme's small publishing company will still have me). Once I began the process of selecting and compiling these pieces (which was months ago now), I realized that many of them I wanted to expand and revise, incorporating ideas that developed in the comment threads and just in general touching them up and making them more suitable for the print medium. Because I'm a perfectionist. But the task seemed so daunting, I never really got started on it.

Tonight, I sat down after dinner and began working on an expansion/revision of the first essay. It wasn't just enjoyable, it was downright fun! I felt like I was back to my old self again, revisiting the old me who was a diehard Poet-capital-P. For so long now it seems — though it can't be more than half a year at most — I've felt not so much like a writer as like.... a blogger. And I do mean that in the derogatory sense, no matter how unfair that might be. But "blogging" (as The Doctor uses it) is like chattering gossip and bickering banter about trivia and current events. I think it could be more than that, and I used to be pretty good at staying grounded in that vision of it being more than that, but my involvement with P+P has dragged me down in some ways, I think, and left me disoriented and feeling utterly drained of creative inspiration. It is so hard to take the risk of true creativity when you feel constantly under attack my insulting snipers and overly-critical know-it-alls. It's hard not to get sucked into that world, to become small. But reading back over old posts, and working on them again with this new burst of creative juices, I felt as though I were coming home to myself. I no longer had to berate myself for not doing the work I was supposed to be doing. Even if it takes a while, even if I'm not rushing off to score the instant gratification of immediate publication in a blog medium, I am doing the work, and allowing it to take however long it takes. I may end up with some material worthy of publication in magazines (though my luck there has been less than wonderful lately). Either way, I am doing the creative work I want to be doing and allowing myself to look beyond the borders of our sometimes self-involved little community of Pagans. This, I like.

So it's been a good day, and this diary entry probably reflects that. There is much to catch up on that has been going on in my life, but I'm not going to beat myself up over not doing a better job of chronicling it. That is busywork. This is creative work. I'm also not going to do the first part of the DOTR Aspirant Lesson 3 as it is written. I will not be doing daily note-taking on my plans and goals, nor doing the weird exercise of writing with one hand, then the other for a week. I suspect this last exercise is supposed to put you in touch with your more "artistic" brain, but I have far better ways of doing that on my own. Perhaps I will turn the journaling prompts into poetry-writing exercises instead and experiment with them in that way, but in general I'll be adapting the lesson to suit my needs. I'm hoping this is alright with Bob. Since he and I have known each other in one form or another for several years now, he did invite me to just join outright as a full Druid member, but I agreed to go through the lessons. In part because it's a good refresher, and in part because I wanted to understand the community sense that was developed through the lessons themselves, and in part because I hoped to be able to give Bob some feedback on the lessons themselves and ways they might be improved. We'll see how receptive he is to me blowing off the lesson plans for this month and exploring awen in my own way.



Daily Tarot Card: The King of Wands stands noble and proud, energetic and ready for action and activity. His blood flows bright and quick with passion, enthusiasm for his work, yet as the mature "yang" of the suit, he also understands the necessity of structure and order to reign his power in, harness it and shape it to his purposes. He is a figure defined by his energy and enthusiastic engagement with the world around him and the work he pursues in it. He may sometimes try to do everything at once, and for that reason to shy away from a sense of control or imposed order that might restrict him or rob him of the space his creativity needs to flourish. Yet this tension between passion and calm, creativity and order, are held delicately and deftly under his rule.

Daily Diary

Sun: capricorn (earth/cardinal), 7:42am - 5:16pm
Moon: first quarter, taurus (earth/fixed)
Earth: cold, down below freezing, gray with steady snow all day (for the past couple days), it looks quite picturesque, especially when the sun is low enough on the horizon during early morning or late afternoon to slip in under the clouds and give everything that slightly warm, shining silver glow to it

Thoughts: been a while since I updated the daily diary - to recap, I was very drained and headachey (possibly actually sick, though I'm still not sure) for a few days after the new year, and then Jeff and I packed up to go down to North Carolina for the OBX Wedding Expo (I can fill you in on those details later); today, very much wanted to get out of bed early along with Jeff but just couldn't bring myself to overcome to fatigue; instead, spent some time in a half-awake state brainstorming some ideas for a story I'm working on, made some helpful breakthroughs, I think; had a smaller anxiety attack about money this morning, as there's yet another medical bill coming our way and there's news that because Jeff's company is doing so well, they're now coming to the attention of some folks who might try to either sue them or buy them out (or both), which means our future's a bit uncertain (though at the same time, it's really good to hear the company's doing that well, and they are taking precautions against a lawsuit); oddly, later in the afternoon, I felt better and more energetic, motivated

Actions: slept in a bit too late this morning, then had the minor money freakout; wrote to my dad to ask advice about wedding stuff and home finances, and felt better afterwards; after lunch, worked a really good hunk of time doing some consultant work (first in more than a week - where does the time go?!); had a good dinner and enjoyed some episodes of Buffy and X-Files with Jeff; afterwards, while Jeff spent some time in meditation, I unpacked a few spare boxes of clothes and organized the closet space in the hallway and bedroom

Connections: feeling really good about how the house is coming along; as we get more organized, it's easier to find a place for everything, which drastically reduces the clutter (and thus, my stress level); I also feel gratified to get some work in and feel that I can contribute (now that we got the whole invoice thing sorted out, hopefully money will be coming in on a regular basis, instead of in infrequent but large lump sums)

Daily Tarot Card: The Ten of Pentacles is a card of fulfillment and enjoyment, especially of earthly pleasures and joys, as well as of material prosperity and financial stability. Yet there is also a spiritual dimension to this card, which expresses itself through the patterned work and form of art and aesthetics and the simple, genuine gratitude and generosity that comes from enjoying your place in the world and feeling connected with all those around you. Tradition, structure and form provide the latticework for the movement and exchange of spirit and its generosity; this is a card of culmination and great happiness that is borne of hard work and commitment, shared with all.

Daily Diary

Days of Note: First Quarter Moon

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:35am - 4:54pm
Moon: first quarter, pisces (water/mutable)
Earth: snow all day, very windy and very cold, down in the teens

Thoughts: minor freak out about crappy computer software earlier today; otherwise, focused mostly on trying to get these craft projects done and feeling generally kinda worn out for no discernible reason; last night, had a scary dream involving zombies, in which Freddy showed up as a zombie but trying to help

Actions: spent all day on craft projects for Christmas gifts, and I'm afraid they're not going to turn out as nice as I was hoping (though they may!); Cu had a vet visit this morning, where he did very well; dinner with Arthur this evening to thank him for the furniture and just hang out some, so that was nice

Connections: just having one of those days when I feel like I really need to cut myself some slack and rest, but I can't because there are just too many things I'm trying to get done; feeling on edge and worn down and tired of the "rat race" of constantly trying to keep up with obligations (this leads me to think that if I'm going to do handmade wedding favors, I'm going to start soon and spread them over the next half a year so I'm not having unnecessary freak-outs closer to the day itself); still not feeling the Yuletide spirit; maybe my brain has gotten dumber due to stress?

Daily Tarot Card: The Three of Cups depicts a joyful celebration among friends, an enjoyment of pleasant feelings and good company. Being a resolution of some of the tensions that had previously been present, it symbolizes a step forward on the right path and the first taste of success and the fruits of your work, even if the reward is for now an emotional one rather than a material one. Like most three cards, the Three of Cups is a card of progress, but it also indicates a time to savor the good times while they're here and share them with a happy and supportive community.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:34am - 4:54pm
Moon: first quarter, pisces (water/mutable)
Earth: rain all day and somewhat milder than it's been, but turning cold tonight with the wind blowing in snow for a storm

Thoughts: Savanah's review lesson today and how to improve our work with her and help her with the assignments she seems to be having trouble with; why the kids are so whiney and why it's Emily's fault (and why I tend to blame Emily, because it's so easy to pass the buck!); why I can't seem to get into the holly-jolly yuletide spirit this year, and worrying a little bit about present shopping (since I kinda haven't really started, even for Jeff)

Actions: finished the craft project I started yesterday (it turned out well, Jeff really likes it); spent over an hour with Jeff and Savanah working on her review lesson, talking about her previous work so far and teaching her a bit about divination; took the kids to the library; had them pick out their potential ornament designs for next weekend's gift craft project; skipped yoga and meditation today (naughty!); ordered Jeff's gifts, at least one of which will be a surprise for him (so, I lied, I did start my shopping - I just feel like I haven't gotten very far)

Connections: I'm always so doubtful of this journaling process, I started out thinking this was a great way to keep myself motivated and organized and see how much I was accomplishing from day to day; now I'm wondering if keeping a record like this is wearing me out and taking some of the spontaneity out of things; I'm not sure when everything became an obligation, but I do feel as though I rarely have a day when I don't have to worry about something, there's always some new project looming, some new goal for cleaning or organizing the house, some new wedding thing to think about or new event to plan for or new project to finish; I'm wondering if I'll ever reach a point when I can have a week or two of boringness and dull repetition - just do contractor work for a certain number of hours, and then the rest of the week is yours to relax and, I don't know, read a good book... that'd be nice

Daily Tarot Card: The Ace of Cups is a card of gladness, good luck and emotional and intuitional fulfillment. A card of beginnings and potential, it symbolizes our connection with our unconscious, our inner selves, and the first stirrings of insight that we feel as we allow our minds to daydream and wander into the depths. (My note: Or maybe it's just saying I need to drink more water. I don't know. I'm tired.)

Daily Diary

Sun: scorpio (water/fixed), 7:05am - 5:04pm
Moon: waxing gibbous, pisces (water/mutable)
Earth: overcast, steady 50s, slight chance of rain today (towards the end of my meditation, the rain started)

Thoughts: for the second night in a row, woke up around 3am feeling very wound up, full of energy and excitement and happiness (not exactly sure what this is due to, but I suspect it has to do with the meditative work I've been doing and the work with Brigid, Lady of the Forge Fire, Maker of the Stars); this morning, worrying about why Jerilynn has gotten into the habit of lying, worrying why Josh continues to be obnoxious and rough and obstinate; not sure how to handle dealing with Emily and her extreme blindness to her own self-indulgence (this is a woman we know tends to lie to herself and exaggerate the facts in order to get her own way and avoid confronting difficult or unpleasant tasks — yet according to the kids who overheard her talking with Jeremy, they're convinced Jerilynn isn't getting her bad habit of lying from them... seriously? seriously?); I know these kids are good kids, so part of me wants to just concentrate on setting a good example and reinforcing to them the importance of honesty and integrity.... and hope it turns out all right; really, I should write a "memoirs of an evil step-mother" book

Actions: yoga this morning, followed by meditation; possibility of going to Phipps, but I'm inclined to bow out this Sunday and hang around the house; if Savanah is feeling too sick to go to Phipps, that way the others can still go and she and I can stay home and chill; a nice, quiet, gray day to read, I think, and maybe do some meditation work for the upcoming Brigid full moon ritual (or catch up on DOTR stuff, writing up about my Lesson 2: Earth work); not sure if Savanah will be up for a lesson this week or not, we'll see

Connections: just a lot of worrying about things that I don't feel I have much control over, honestly; as usual, feeling like Emily is just another child we're expected to look out for and compensate for... but I already know this attitude is not a healthy one, so I'm trying to keep my focus on the kids and engaging with them with authenticity and love, that will make the most difference (Savanah did tell me that after my comment last weekend, she noticed the kids talking about how awesome it is at our house and she realized that it might bother her mom, so it's really good to see her already growing in awareness of how her behavior potentially affects others)

Daily Tarot Card: The Five of Swords warns against an arrogant and isolationist attitude which seeks out conflict in order to defeat others and promote one's own agenda. Yet, every conflict has both the victor and the defeated, and the dejection of the defeated can devolve into insecurity and stubborn regression to earlier forms of stability and security that may no longer be appropriate or healthy. The number five is a number of connection, and even this negative relationship between arrogant victor and dejected loser is a relationship that affects both, binding them together.

(My note: This card echoes the warning in my own heart not to let my arrogance towards Emily lead to an unhealthy relationship simply because I would prefer to seek out conflict and so "prove myself." In some ways, I might be both defeated and victor here — where does my own insecurity and need to "win" come from, if not from her past disrespectful treatment of me? Yet to continue to seek out strife only guarantees future conflict and increased insecurity and stubbornness on both our parts. I am in a position of strength here, I can afford to show compassion and patience, instead of annoyance and disdain. I need to work on this. It's not enough to be able to restrain my words when the kids are around; I need to feel in my heart a compassion and understanding for her so that my words will remain both kind and sincere. I need to seek the integrity of compassion and an acknowledgement that my actions will have repercussions not just for the kids, but for Emily, too.)

Daily Diary

Sun: scorpio (water/fixed), 7:04 am - 5:04 pm
Moon: first quarter, waxing, aquarius (air/fixed)
Earth: warm, beautiful day, though not as warm or clear as yesterday

Thoughts: worried about the kids being sick and spreading germs, trying to combat that with tea and cough drops and lots of fluids and rest; poetry as a political act; objectivity and authority in journalism; bias and fear-mongering, alternative politics; general exhaustion and frustration with "politics as usual" and a longing to turn inward towards poetry, art and creative exploration again — but feeling the tension between this and obligations to P+P and the PNC; on than this, though, a sense of peace and well-being, gratitude for how things are in my life right now, feeling settled and stable and enthusiastic about the future, ready to handle what complications might arise; very into Brigid at the moment and really excited about the ritual coming up for the full moon; also, wanting to move more quickly through the DOTR lessons than I have been, though also don't want to rush things

Actions: spent this morning "at work" working on various writing, going back through old half-completed essays, etc.; wrote the post about poetry and peace for P+P, and I'm feeling pretty satisfied with how that turned out; swung by the grocery store on the way home to pick up supplies (like cough drops, etc.); not much planned for this evening other than dinner; perhaps I may spend some time reading Miranda Green's book on Celtic goddesses, in particular her chapter devoted entirely to Brigid

Connections: mundane life with the kids seems, in some ways, rather boring, especially when they're fighting colds and generally moping around; I'm sure this isn't something adults are supposed to say, but the "wow amazing insightful things" kids sometimes say is vastly outweighed by the many, many inane or unintelligent things they say and do; don't get me wrong, I love the kids and they're awesome — but they're still just kids, and I find myself feeling sometimes like I'm just "killing time" with them, indulging them as they explore and learn (which is excellent), or play the same dull board games over and over (which is... not so excellent); perhaps I should find a better way to stay engaged, perhaps this is a character flaw.... or maybe I'm being too hard on myself considering they're not my kids and I don't have hardly any control over how they're encouraged (or not) to develop creatively and intellectually when they're at their mom's

Daily Tarot Card: The Devil (XV) is a card of entrapment and addiction, as well as base instincts of self-preservation and ego-promotion. Despair and frustration can close in, dominating our experience and blinding us to opportunities for freedom and alternatives to sorrow or capitulation. At the same time, the instincts of self-preservation that can lead someone to be selfish and inconsiderate of others can sometimes be the very things that save and protect us during extremely difficult times. The Devil challenges us to confront our shadow selves, to face the less attractive aspects of who we are and honestly evaluate our drives and desires.

(My note: I'm unsure what this card might be suggesting, which is unusual for this deck. On the one hand, it may be suggesting — when it comes to the kids — either that I am being too selfish and need to look around at the positive aspects of loving relationship with them, or that my instincts of "self-preservation" are serving me adequately (if not ideally) during a time of difficult transition and integration and my ambivalence about being step-mom to four children is understandable, as long as I am willing to confront that ambivalence honestly and respond with love and compassion both for myself and for others. On the other hand, perhaps this is a card about my "career" obligations at this point as a writer, and the frustration and fatigue I am feeling when it comes to my political writing. In this deck, the devil is portrayed as a weaver of webs, ensnaring the heart and taunting the soul with a limiting and mocking view of the world — one that could very well characterize some of the "trolls" I find myself sometimes dealing with online. Perhaps this card is a reminder about those things which I have always appreciated as the "key" to my freedom and spiritual growth: poetry, art, music and gratitude. It's strange, though, the draw this card on a day when, despite these minor frustrations, I am feeling very good in general. Nothing in my life seems so dire as to warrant The Devil, but perhaps I should keep an eye on things nonetheless.)

Daily Diary

Sun: scorpio (water/fixed), 7:03 am - 5:05 pm
Moon: waxing crescent, aquarius (air/fixed)
Earth: another sunny, warm day, the birds are singing, I'm itching for some outdoor time

Thoughts: still brainstorming this Brigid of the Stars ritual, marveling at the intensity and excitement; thinking about the Rachel Maddow interview with Jon Stewart, some of his points so clearly shaped by watching too much cable news; want to finish at least one blog post today (P+P or Meadowsweet), maybe two, but we'll see how it goes

Actions: still no yoga (arm still sore, but getting better); waiting for word on my first project for work; finish Brigid ritual and post it; walk in the woods; spend time preparing lesson for Savanah for Sunday; finish a blog post; go ahead and order StD cards

Connections: there's always more that I'm thinking about than I have time to devote my energies to accomplishing; sometimes I wish I could figure out a way to write as effortlessly as my brain rambles, but to craft a good ritual or essay takes a lot of pausing and staring off into space, playing with different word choices and potential structures; writing is a long process, it forces me to slow down, which is not a bad thing, just... wish there were more hours in the day

Daily Tarot Card: The Magician (I) possess creativity, skill, enthusiasm and self-confidence. Ready to engage in the world of form and to exercise willpower in pursuit of learning, experimentation and activity devoted to and directed towards what seems most important. In some ways an inward-turning card, it represents the energy, vision and initiative to make a tangible start towards an objective (though not necessarily the meticulous planning or mapping of details towards any specific goal as yet).