Sun: scorpio (water/fixed), 7:04 am - 5:04 pm
Moon: first quarter, waxing, aquarius (air/fixed)
Earth: warm, beautiful day, though not as warm or clear as yesterday
Thoughts: worried about the kids being sick and spreading germs, trying to combat that with tea and cough drops and lots of fluids and rest; poetry as a political act; objectivity and authority in journalism; bias and fear-mongering, alternative politics; general exhaustion and frustration with "politics as usual" and a longing to turn inward towards poetry, art and creative exploration again — but feeling the tension between this and obligations to P+P and the PNC; on than this, though, a sense of peace and well-being, gratitude for how things are in my life right now, feeling settled and stable and enthusiastic about the future, ready to handle what complications might arise; very into Brigid at the moment and really excited about the ritual coming up for the full moon; also, wanting to move more quickly through the DOTR lessons than I have been, though also don't want to rush things
Actions: spent this morning "at work" working on various writing, going back through old half-completed essays, etc.; wrote the post about poetry and peace for P+P, and I'm feeling pretty satisfied with how that turned out; swung by the grocery store on the way home to pick up supplies (like cough drops, etc.); not much planned for this evening other than dinner; perhaps I may spend some time reading Miranda Green's book on Celtic goddesses, in particular her chapter devoted entirely to Brigid
Connections: mundane life with the kids seems, in some ways, rather boring, especially when they're fighting colds and generally moping around; I'm sure this isn't something adults are supposed to say, but the "wow amazing insightful things" kids sometimes say is vastly outweighed by the many, many inane or unintelligent things they say and do; don't get me wrong, I love the kids and they're awesome — but they're still just kids, and I find myself feeling sometimes like I'm just "killing time" with them, indulging them as they explore and learn (which is excellent), or play the same dull board games over and over (which is... not so excellent); perhaps I should find a better way to stay engaged, perhaps this is a character flaw.... or maybe I'm being too hard on myself considering they're not my kids and I don't have hardly any control over how they're encouraged (or not) to develop creatively and intellectually when they're at their mom's
Daily Tarot Card: The Devil (XV) is a card of entrapment and addiction, as well as base instincts of self-preservation and ego-promotion. Despair and frustration can close in, dominating our experience and blinding us to opportunities for freedom and alternatives to sorrow or capitulation. At the same time, the instincts of self-preservation that can lead someone to be selfish and inconsiderate of others can sometimes be the very things that save and protect us during extremely difficult times. The Devil challenges us to confront our shadow selves, to face the less attractive aspects of who we are and honestly evaluate our drives and desires.
(My note: I'm unsure what this card might be suggesting, which is unusual for this deck. On the one hand, it may be suggesting — when it comes to the kids — either that I am being too selfish and need to look around at the positive aspects of loving relationship with them, or that my instincts of "self-preservation" are serving me adequately (if not ideally) during a time of difficult transition and integration and my ambivalence about being step-mom to four children is understandable, as long as I am willing to confront that ambivalence honestly and respond with love and compassion both for myself and for others. On the other hand, perhaps this is a card about my "career" obligations at this point as a writer, and the frustration and fatigue I am feeling when it comes to my political writing. In this deck, the devil is portrayed as a weaver of webs, ensnaring the heart and taunting the soul with a limiting and mocking view of the world — one that could very well characterize some of the "trolls" I find myself sometimes dealing with online. Perhaps this card is a reminder about those things which I have always appreciated as the "key" to my freedom and spiritual growth: poetry, art, music and gratitude. It's strange, though, the draw this card on a day when, despite these minor frustrations, I am feeling very good in general. Nothing in my life seems so dire as to warrant The Devil, but perhaps I should keep an eye on things nonetheless.)
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Update: Two things.
Firstly, while hanging out in the park with Jeff while the kids played on the playground, he read me an article that compares parents to "junkies" addicted to the elusive and unpredictable endorphin-flood of "happy moments" with their kids, when the reality of day-to-day life is actually measurably more stressful and less happy than most parents would self-report. Like a slot machine that only pays out erratically, or a lever in a rat's maze that sometimes gives sugar treats and sometimes gives shocks, it's the very unpredictability of interactions with children that make parenting so addictive. But, presumably, this reasoning doesn't necessarily hold for people without the immediate, intense (and usually biological) connection to the children.
I found this a rather ironic topic for him to bring up, considering The Devil card that I'd drawn only a few hours earlier. Parenthood as an addiction. Seems to fit very neatly into the card meaning, doesn't it?
Also, for the second week in a row, I got "sour stomach" right around dinner time and had to take some tums. Two things might be causing it: (a) I'm not eating well enough during the rest of the day, possibly because of my time at work away from the house; and/or (b) kid-induced stress. Not sure which is likely, but I can certainly try to remedy (a) and see if it helps (it may help even if (b) is a secondary cause, as stress might be easier to handle on a full stomach).
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