Shared Insights into Brighid's Stellar Aspects

Something I shared just now over on TC's LotS group:

In November 2010, a bunch of us over on the old Cauldron forum had a moment of what might be called "unverified shared gnosis" about the stellar aspects of Brighid - when our individual UPGs seemed to converge on a shared understanding that, though common among us, was not necessarily reflected in the traditional lore and mythology about Brighid.

I've been thinking more about this phenomenon recently, and how it might be part the evolution of the gods in mutual relationship with our own growing scientific and technological understanding of the natural world. I'm no expert on comparative mythology, but I don't really know of any ancient deities that were both solar and stellar in nature, or any ancient cultures that believed that the stars were actually suns like ours that were small because they were so far away (if there were any, I think they were probably pretty rare at least). Now with our scientific understanding of the relationship between our sun and the stars in the night sky, it makes sense to me that a solar/fire goddess like Brighid would have a latent stellar aspect that might be coming to the surface in light (pun intended!) of our expanding knowledge.

So I like to keep my eyes open for other examples of this emerging understanding of Brighid as a stellar goddess. And I thought here might be a good place to for all of us to share any examples that we come across.

One that I found just today, in fact, was in the book The Salmon in the Spring: The Ecology of Celtic Spirituality by Jason Kirkey. In one section, he's telling a story about a time in his life when he was "apprenticed to winter" and struggling with a certain spiritual aimlessness, when he decided to go out walking among the hills of Ireland. Lost in a thick mist, he felt the spiritual winter melting away and Brighid's warm presence prompting him to joyous laughter. As he began to make for home, he realized he'd been completely turned around and didn't know which direction to head in to get back to the harbor village where he was staying - when suddenly, despite it being three in the afternoon, a single star appeared in the mist as a guiding light. He set off in that direction, making his way down the hill - and the star grew brighter and brighter as he neared. He writes (emphasis mine):

The impossibility of the moment was weighing on me. How could there be a single star shining so bright through the mist in the afternoon? At any moment, I expected to reach the star, now a vaginal opening of light through the mist, and be born back into the world. A wind blew suddenly. The mist thinned. Briefly I glimpsed a world which was foreign to me, inhabited by streets, cars, and fishing boats. In Ireland people tell stories of glimpsing the faery people and their paradisiacal world. I felt like running back to the stones to tell them my tale of glimpsing a human world full of both beauty and confusion. My star was the sun reflecting off the harbor. So disoriented, my perception within the mist had dissolved all heights and depths within each other; externally and internally. Here there was unity between Heaven and Earth.

He describes this event as occurring in early February right around Imbolc, but of having a feel about it that reminded him strongly of a solstice, so much so that he intuitively thought of the star leading the wise men in the Christian story of Jesus' birth.

This passage struck me so strongly for a couple of reasons:

- First, only a few days ago, I led a Druidic solstice ritual for my family (husband, stepkids, parents and brother, nine of us in total) in which we honored both Jesus as a deity of the newborn sun and Brighid as a stellar goddess. In Irish folklore, St. Brigid is known as the "midwife of Christ" and during our meditation and candle-lighting ceremony I used the story of the star guiding the wise men to tie into the idea of Brighid as a stellar goddess and creatrix helping to "give birth" to our most intimate star, the sun. That only a few days later I should read a passage in a book linking Brighid the goddess not just to Imbolc but to the winter solstice through exactly the same story was pretty powerful.

- Second, the very fact that after describing his sense of Brighid's presence, Kirkey goes on to describe a profound experience of being guided by a star.... a star that, in fact, turns out to be the sun! And not just the sun, but the sun reflected in water! Ummm..... Fire In Water anyone? This experience of disorientation where distance blends "up" and "down" until they are indistinguishable and a reflection below can seem like a star from above is something I myself experienced earlier this fall while on my honeymoon - traveling through the flat desert of Utah at sunset, gazing westward it seemed to me that I was not looking up into a rose-gold sky, but looking down from a great height out onto a strange sea whose waters were illuminated by the golden light of the setting sun, with the dark shapes of clouds scattered like islands in that water. So again, there's this blending of fire and water in connection with the sun. In my case, this was just before our first night of camping out beneath the stars in a national park that's considered one of the best star-gazing sites in the country.

What's interesting is that, even though he mentions Brighid only a paragraph earlier and in the context of this same story, Kirkey doesn't himself make any explicit connection between her presence and the sudden appearance of the sun-[i]qua[/i]-star. It's not as though he's intentionally trying to make that connection with his story - but the relationship seems almost inescapably obvious considering some of the Unverified Shared Gnosis of this group.

I'd love to hear people's thoughts on this, or if anyone else has come across examples of this kind of unexpected shared gnosis in other places!

Calendar of Saturn Transits

For the full version, click below the fold.

Brighid and Otherworld Goddesses

Soliwo left a message in the Meadowsweet Commons asking a bit more about Brighid in her dark aspect, and possible connections with Persephone. Below is what I wrote in response:

Soliwo, It's good to hear from you!

And what a wonderful synchronicity that you've shared about Persephone! A couple weeks ago, I received a new DSLR camera as an early solstice present, and one of my first projects with it was experimenting in low light conditions to test the limits of its settings and sensor quality. Inspired by some of photographs I'd seen recently and an impulse purchase of a pomegranate at Whole Foods - I decided to do a series inspired by Persephone's story! I've shared the results here if you want to see them. :)

It's interesting, because I don't really have a relationship with Persephone at all. Maybe it's because of being woefully over-educated in the Greek myths when I was younger, but for me the Greek deities have that same "abstract" feeling as you describe feeling towards the Celtic gods. For a long time, I felt that abstraction about the Celtic gods, too, and it was only after shifting my perspective that I realized maybe there was a different way of approaching Celtic gods than Greek ones.... if that makes any sense. I'm still exploring, so I'm not sure I can go into detail about what that difference might be, but in my experience the Celtic deities are much more like complex, multi-faceted people with overlapping roles and relationships (and all of them very closely tied into the natural world), whereas the Greek deities seem more like personifications of cultural movements, forces or aspects (and more "civilized" or urban than wild or connected to the wilderness).

I think the gods, like ordinary people, are influenced by the cultures they belong to and the landscapes they inhabit. And like people, they can also change and adapt over time. It's good to be wary of cultural (mis)appropriation, but I wouldn't worry too much about eclecticism and syncretism. We have lots of evidence that this kind of cultural blending and exchange was going on all the time in the ancient world. Heck, half of the archeological evidence we have for the Celtic deities comes from the Romano-Celtic period when the Romans began writing things down and carving human-looking statues of gods that had once resided only in abstract designs and natural earth formations. (And the other half comes from the lingering folk traditions and reinterpretations of Celtic Christianity!) In my experience, striving too hard for some kind of purity in adhering to the "original" beliefs and practices of our ancestors can be unhelpful and even stifling for our spiritual relationships.

So I guess part of my advice at this point - if you're looking for advice! - would be to explore widely and pay attention to how you feel when you're trying to connect with the gods. You're bringing your own modern cultural assumptions and patterns to whatever relationship you have with them, and they have their own cultural foundations as well. How those cultural patterns interact will shape your relationship with them. And some of it will be on an intuitive or subconscious level. When I first started studying Celtic mythology and culture, I felt like I was drowning in a sea of unfamiliar, unpronounceable names and nonsensical stories. It felt like I was dialing an old phone number given to me by a friend of a friend, and only getting the dial tone of a disconnected line. But I kept reading and exploring, and letting my subconscious work its way through all the information and start making those connections. I paid close attention to when I felt closest to the gods, and could see how important ritual and physical interactions were for me. (F'ex, physically cutting into and handling a pomegranate down in the dank atmosphere of the basement brought home to me the personality of Persephone more than any story about her I'd ever heard.) After years of that kind of exploration, slowly the Celtic culture began to feel more and more like a natural place to be. Instead of drowning in unfamiliar waters, I was swimming like a fish! :) That's when the gods stopped being abstractions for me - though there are still times when I feel distant or disconnected from them.

So.... you asked about Brighid as a possible Underworld goddess. This is one of those times when the answer is a bit complicated because Greek and Celtic cultures are different. The Celts didn't exactly have an idea of an "Underworld" in the same way the Greeks did. For one thing, the Celts believed firmly in reincarnation - either into this same world, or into a paradisiacal otherworld often referred to as a Land of Summer, Land of Youth or Island of Apples. There were gods associated with this Summerland, but the ones I know of are male (for instance, Manannan mac Lir, god of the sea). Also, the Celts didn't just have one Otherworld, though you can generally refer to all of the other worlds collectively by the singular term. The Otherworld for the Celts wasn't above (like a heaven) or below (like an Underworld) but right here, just on the other side of our reality, separated only by a thin veil or mist. It was the realm of the Sidhe or the Faery folk - but who they are is also a complicated thing: some think of them as gods, some as the beloved dead, some as (fallen) angels (a Celtic Christian concept). My impression is that the Celts weren't very keen on clear-cut hierarchies, so trying to delineate deities from Sidhe from the dead isn't always easy.

Okay, so - could Brighid be associated with the Underworld/Otherworld? Yes and no. She is definitely a goddess of the threshold and the liminal spaces, like you said, and she has that connection (through marriage to Bres) with the "darker" forces of chaos and wilderness. As a member of the Tuatha de Danann, she is also one of those who withdrew into the Sidhe (burial) mounds when the Milesians came and conquered Ireland. On the other hand, she has tended to be associated more with the light, order and structures of culture and civilization (for instance, through her ties to poetry, healing and smithcraft, which all held important cultural significance in Celtic society), rather than with the wilder, darker aspects of death and dying. In my relationship with her, even in her darker aspect she has a deep connection with the stars, points of light in the darkness that give guidance and direction, and that spin through the emptiness of space in a fairly orderly fashion. ;) So I think that Brighid could definitely help you work with Underworld/Otherworld relationships and aspects of your spirituality - but she'll bring a particular perspective and energy to that work that will be different from Persephone or some of the other Celtic deities. Does that make sense?

If you want to explore some Celtic gods and goddesses that might have more obvious ties to the Underworld/Otherworld, there are a couple I can recommend.

- Caer Ibormeith. She is a Sidhe who transforms from a
maiden into a swan every other Samhain and back again on the next. The swan - as a water fowl - has connections to the three realms of land, sea and sky and is thus considered a particularly powerful Otherworld animal who can pass between the worlds. Caer Ibormeith's name means "yew berry." The yew tree has many associations with death and resurrection, and the seed of the yew berry is poisonous to human beings (another connection between death (poison) and new life (the seed)). Samhain, obviously, has connections with death and the beloved dead, and as a Sidhe Caer Ibormeith occupies that ambiguous place between the gods and the dead. I worked with her for a while several years ago, and through my relationship with her eventually came to my relationship with Brighid. (Some of the shared UPG of some folks I've talked with online point to the possibility that the swan is also a sacred animal of Brighid's, and so Caer Ibormeith and Brighid might share a closer relationship or even be two aspects of a single goddess.)

- Rhiannon. In Welsh mythology, Rhiannon is a Sidhe Queen who marries Pwyll (and later, after Pwyll's death, remarries with Manawydan fab Llyr, the Welsh deity who is similar to and/or the same as Manannan mac Lir). Before meeting Rhiannon, Pwyll has his own adventures, including switching places with Arawn, the King of Annwn, in order to defeat Arawn's enemy. Annwn is the closest you'll probably get in Welsh mythology to the concept of an Underworld - it is characterized as a land of the dead, though a paradisiacal one of eternal summer and youth. By switching places with Arawn and defeating his enemy, Pwyll earns the title "King of Annwn" for himself. One of his trials during this adventure is to resist the seduction of Arawn's wife (who mistakenly believes Pwyll is Arawn) - there is some suggestion in the mythology that Rhiannon is actually this same Sidhe Queen who was married to Arawn, though it's not clear. In either case, when she weds Pwyll, Rhiannon is effectively marrying the King of the Dead, as well as having connections to the Otherworld in her own right through her lineage as a Sidhe. Later as a widow, she marries Manawydan who is the only one to return from a war with the Irish - Manawydan, like his Irish counterpart Manannan, also has ties to the Land of Eternal Youth and so can also be thought of as an Otherworld "King of the Dead" type of figure. Rhiannon herself also has connections to death and rebirth/renewal, f'ex in the story of how her son is stolen from her as a baby and she is framed for his death.


I mention both of these because I've worked with both of them (though not as closely as with Brighid), and they both seem to me to have that same kind of quality as Persephone - being maidens or queens who are in relationship with "the dark" and death, but who are also able to cross the thresholds between the worlds. If you want to know more about Caer Ibormeith, I've written a short story inspired by her, and you might also want to explore a bit into the story of Aengus Og and his relationship with her. For Rhiannon, you might really enjoy reading the novel by Evangeline Walton based on the Welsh myth: it's called Prince of Annwn and it's the first book of her quartet based on the Mabinogion.

I hope some of this has been helpful and isn't too overwhelming! Make sure to come back and let me know how you're doing and what you're exploring - I'd love to hear!

Pomegranate Still Life

Inspired by some of the photographs shared to the Pagan Newswire Collective's Flickr page — and the fact that I just got a new DSLR camera and I wanted to test its limits with low lighting and such — I did a series of still life photographs inspired by the story of Persephone. Here are some of them:

Saturn Return: Weekly Meditation (Crossing Ascendent)

Days of Note: Saturn crosses Ascendent

Sun: sagittarius (mutable fire), 7:26 AM - 4:54 PM
Moon: *waxing gibbous, aries (cardinal fire)
Earth: cold, in the mid-to-low 40s most of the day, starting out quite sunny but then fading to gray, cloudy weather; not that I would know, as I spent pretty much all day inside working on various things, but mostly writing


Last night I had a dream that my aunt Tricia, who works from home as a baker of wonderful homemade cakes, cookies and pies, etc., had decided that she wanted to quit baking and go into taxidermy. (Apparently, this dream was probably inspired by a scene from an episode of X-Files that Jeff and I watched together last night, which I was only half paying attention to at the time and must have gotten into my subconscious.) Anyway, in the dream, my aunt decided she really wanted to be a taxidermist, she was fascinated by it. But the only tools she knew how to use were things like blenders and egg beaters. I have some vague visual impression in my mind of some poor animal carcass being tamped down into the thin, tapering container of a blender, the lid fitted on nicely and the switch flipped, resulting in that lovely whirring and the spinning of blood and bone and fur and bits all into a uniform pinkish paste.

This might not have anything to do with anything, but I thought I would jot it down.

I started writing this journal entry at 11:11 PM, though I doubt I'll be finished with it until what is technically Sunday morning. I'm wide awake and not feeling the least bit tired - which is indicative of my sleep schedule these days, where sometimes I feel so lethargic I can't pull myself out of bed before 10 AM, and other days I'm awake before dawn (which, as dark as the days are, isn't really that hard anyway) with plenty of energy to spare. This morning, I woke up at around 5 AM and tossed and turned a bit before finally giving up and getting up entirely at about 6:30 AM. Jeff had to leave to get the kids, and I fell back asleep for another few hours, so I suppose it all evened out. We'll see how I am tomorrow morning. (Jeff, who slept downstairs on the futon because he'd been snoring a lot lately, hardly slept at all last night because of various worries about this weekend, so now he's excused and sound asleep despite me still being awake.)

I hadn't planned to do much work today - or rather, I'd planned to at least try to clean and organize the basement some in preparation for our up-coming move. But two of the four kids were sick with some kind of stomach bug (which had them on a bland diet of food, though neither of them really acted all that sick - it was a nice excuse for everyone to stay quiet and relaxed in bed reading or drawing for much of the day), so thoughts of trying to organize some kind of cleaning extravaganza were out. At one point I sat down to check out John's recent post on No Unsacred Place, which was excellent as usual, and that was the kick in the ass I needed to sit down and work on the piece I'd wanted to do for this coming week about the recent news coming out of the science journals about LUCA, the Last Universal Common Ancestor, being a single, planet-sized mega-organism very similar to a "living ocean" of genetic soup. A pretty cool concept. So I spent all day researching various creation myths from different cultures and drawing comparisons between these and the scientific evidence they have for LUCA, pointing out some of the common themes of primordial chaotic waters, a moment when separation and individuation begins to occur, and the idea of a god being dismembered and the parts of his (or her) corpse being used to actually make the world.

So even though I didn't have any time really to do some formal Saturn Return meditation as I'd planned, I ended up doing quite a bit of contemplation on some of those primordial ancient themes about dissolution, death, separation, limitation and the power of form. Some of the Greek myths actually involve Kronos/Saturn himself, so... there's that.

I find myself really connecting to this idea of a common genetic ancestor in the ancient primordial oceans as a living being that is both an ancestor and a god(dess). This just really jives for me. It works well with my more animistic sensibilities which can sometimes shy away from being overly metaphorical or psychological about the gods and would rather rejoice in and celebrate the Actual Sun Right There See There It Is than in some idea of a sun deity in the abstract. On the other hand, though, it also gives some context to Manannan as a "son of the sea" without having to bear the burden of being the literal sea itself. Manannan mac LUCA, perhaps. Manannan has continued to be an important god to me, and I think I've reconciled myself to just him and Brighid for the time being as a working pair who play nicely together. Manannan is a god of the threshold, the liminal space of the mists, the psychopomp who leads the dead into the other realm, the trickster who will turn things upside-down just for the sake of teasing and challenging. I think there are definitely some parallels here between Manannan (and Manawydan from Welsh mythology) and the figure of Saturn. And strangely enough, while I think of Saturn primarily as a planet and, after that, as some kind of psychological archetype and energetic influence, I find it a lot easier to think of Manannan as an actual god, personified, and able to help me with the Saturn Return. I have no sense that he is Kronos/Saturn, any more than Jeff is, say, Commander Samuel Vimes. But the "real" god Manannan has some understanding of the character/nature/influence of the psychological archetype of Saturn and can give me some insight - like we can have a discussion about it and share our perspectives, in the same way Jeff and I can talk about the characters in Pratchett's books and he can give me insight into what it's like to be a father, something I wouldn't know as much about.

One thing that I was reflecting on just now while I was reading and trying to fall asleep was the nature of Saturn's recent transit through my twelfth house in Libra, the sign and house of my natal moon. I think it was Arroyo who said that Saturn can have a lasting influence when passing through the sign and house of the moon, even when it's not in exact or close aspect to the moon itself. I don't remember precisely when transiting Saturn was exactly conjunct my natal moon, but I do know that the moon is associated with a lot of "mommy issues" - coming to terms with the mother's influence in the family and the inner archetype of the mother in the psyche, as well as grappling with ancestral influences of all kinds that have been "inherited" on the psychic or psychological level. With my moon in Libra, I wonder if I have a particular sensitivity to concepts of fairness, justice, balance and beauty being manifested in the role of the mother - whether by myself or by other "mothers" in my life.

Saturn has been transiting my twelfth house for about two years now, I think. It's soon to cross my ascendent and enter my first house. In fact, looking up my chart just now (at 11:48 PM on Saturday, December 3) I see that transiting Saturn is within 13 minutes of my ascendent and the cusp of my first house. So... maybe that's why I'm suddenly feeling a certain amount of energy and clarity around these issues.

Anyway, as I was lying in bed I suddenly saw all the various ways in which the energy and influence of the mother had been manifesting in my life in ways that provoked my anger or frustration over a sense of violated fairness or justice - in particular in my relationship with Jeff's ex-wife and biological mother to my stepchildren, who has consistently attempted to act in the role of controlling "Mama Bear" figure to both me and Jeff as well as the kids. It hit me that I had been grappling with two issues that were often put at odds with one another.

On the one hand, I wanted things to be Fair - both in the sense of being just and balanced, and also beautiful and harmonious. This led me to a lot of conflict on Jeff's behalf when I felt that his rights as a father were being trampled on or ignored, when he didn't get "his fair share" of time with the kids (even when him having more time with them, and the struggle to get and keep that time that was often involved, left both of us feeling worn out, exhausted and stressed). I also made a lot of judgements - emotionally and ethically - about Emily choosing to stay home and be a "mom," even going on to have another child with her new husband, instead of stepping up to be an "equal partner" in both the divorce (by pulling her weight with joint debt from the previous marriage) and in her own new marriage (which, I will be the first to admit, is none of my business, though I sure do have opinions about it). This judgement - and I won't say it was judgmental necessarily, but it was a judgement, certainly - often had me worrying about the kind of example she was setting for the kids, and my own response was to push back - to balance out her example by becoming even more ambitious (Saturn!) in my own role not as a stepmom but as a "career woman" and female adult role model to the kids. This was me pushing back against the figure of the mother - both in external form and my own potential role - and seeking instead another kind of authority. That has Saturn's influence written all over it.

On the other hand, I also had already learned the lesson - which Saturn had helped teach me before - that to find a harmonious balance it is often important to let go, to release certain emotional blockages or stubborn opinions and to give up being the kind of person who has to control every little thing to make sure it all comes out alright. This was a lesson that I actually learned from my own mother, by bad example. Seeking too much control in a world that is by its very nature so much bigger and more complex than you could ever possibly understand is the very recipe for out of control stress and paranoia. This is what happened to my mother to some extent (though I have to admit that in recent years, perhaps because of the change in her career and my brother and I no longer living at home, she does seem to be improving on this in small ways). The whole thing was, in fact, a lesson all about boundaries and limits (hello again, Saturn old friend!), learning to understand the extent of your own control and when not to push beyond them but instead accept them and trust in the greater harmonies of the universe (there's Saturn, straddling that liminal space between the concrete manifestations of the inner planets and the influences of fate and cosmic force of the outer planets). This was a lesson I knew very well, and something that I continued to affirm to myself consciously. But I was completely piss-poor at actually following through and listening to my own better judgement.

So here were two urges that were definitely working at odds to one another. The urge on the one hand to make sure things were fair and just and balanced - and the desire on the other hand not to become like my own mother and like Jeff's ex-wife, both of whom were excellent examples of the immaturity and stress that characterizes a "control freak" who uses their good intentions to justify their paranoid manipulations and micro-management of everyone around them (essentially being a "mother" to everyone and not being able to trust others to do what's fair or harmonious on their own). Confronted with the glaring evidence that Jeff's ex-wife had no interest in being fair - I think mainly simply because she was incapable of stepping outside of her own perspective in order to see how what she wanted was unfair - it was an incredible challenge for me not to respond by trying to control her.

My response, and something I had to work on with Jeff a lot, was a process of affirming our personal boundaries. It took a lot of push-back and a great deal of stress and hard work every time we were confronted with Emily's tendency to act entitled to private information about our lives that were none of her business or to bombard Jeff with unsolicited emails full of advice about issues of which she had little to no actual knowledge. We worked hard, as a couple and equal partners in the matter, to help each cope with that stress and reaffirm our right to establish clear, healthy boundaries. But mostly, it sucked. I've been getting down on myself a lot over the past couple years about my feelings of having failed at this work, or at least of having responded in ways that were not helpful or healthy. And definitely there were times when our attempts to establish strong boundaries crossed the line into an attempt to control or compensate for Emily's disrespectful or manipulative behavior. But looking back now, I actually feel like we did an okay job. One recent change came about when I broke down and asked some folks on an internet forum if they had any resources that might help. One person responded and pointed me to the "Ten Commandments for Low-Contact Parallel Parenting with High-Drama Ex's." (The idea of having a short, authoritative list of simple rules to follow.... yeah, Saturn, you bet.) Jeff and I read this over, saw a lot of ways that we were already following the techniques suggested and a lot of other places where we could improve. So we started following the rules, and we sent a copy of them to Emily asking her to abide by them as well. (This was after we caught her in a bald-faced lie about one of the kids' health issues, which for us was the final straw and, in some ways, a relief that her manipulation could no longer be denied or explained away.... though of course, that didn't stop her from trying.)

That was about two months ago now, I think. Today, Jeremy confronted Jeff when he went to pick up the kids to let him know that two of them weren't feeling well - and for good measure threw in his own two cents about how "this silent treatment isn't having the effect we [Jeff and I] were hoping it would have." The comment had Jeff fuming when he got home, but he and I talked about it and were able to laugh off the continued arrogance and immaturity. I pointed out to him that our stress has definitely gone down and we don't waste nearly as much time in pointless conflict with Emily; meanwhile, we have more energy when we do have the kids and less anxiety over every little issue that might somehow make its way back to us, so our time with them is more enjoyable than it was before. Whatever Jeremy and Emily think, the technique is most definitely doing what we'd hoped it would do on our end. Jeremy simply declaring that it wasn't working - without asking Jeff's feelings on the matter - was just one more example of why the Low-Contact Parenting techniques were a good idea after all.

One of the things that I think was most helpful about the Low-Contact Parenting was that it helped us to recognize when we were crossing the line from "affirming healthy boundaries" to "pushing back and trying to control others." With rules that restrict our email use to only short messages pertaining specifically to the kids themselves and that avoid intentionally provocative language, for instance, we're forced to catch ourselves before we shoot off that obnoxious letter that we secretly hope will smack Emily back into her place and divest her of any delusions she has about our opinion. The rules work because they ask us to turn a critical eye back onto our own behavior and to recognize when we're demanding something that we should probably just not expect given what is and is not within our reasonable ability to control. These rules give us a structure whereby we can learn how to find a balance between our sense of fairness and our need to appreciate our limits. (And I'm using "we" a lot here because it's something Jeff and I have mostly worked on together, but in many ways this is a lot about my own issues.) But all of this only came after we had done the difficult work of establishing boundaries that could safely secure at least a minimum amount of real fairness and equality between Jeff and his ex when it came to the kids - including giving us the legal ground to stand on in order to negotiate for a fair and workable schedule for child custody after our move. If we hadn't done that necessary work of pushing back and establishing boundaries first - especially in Jeff's case, I think - we would have been in a position where an attitude of "it's out of our control" would have left us open to manipulation, exploitation and a certain amount of guilt.

So here I was being hard on myself about how we handled it when, looking back, maybe we did pretty much the best we could given the circumstances. We weren't perfect, but I think we've found some long-term sustainable ways to find that necessary balance and we were able to bring our more unseemly responses into check before they got out of hand and went too far. At least, right now I'm feeling hopeful and optimistic and so that's my present understanding of the situation. I'd love to hear what Jeff thinks of all of this. (He's asleep now - maybe I'll have a chance to talk to him tomorrow about it at some point.) I'm sure his perspective will be a bit different, considering the influences going on in his own chart right now. And maybe I'm completely wrong about this - I'm kind of making it up as I go, really, and he knows more about astrology than I do.

In any case, what began as a day spent contemplating the "primordial mother ocean" has ended up with some pretty startling thoughts about the energies of the moon-as-mother in relation to my Saturn Return. Perhaps leaving the twelfth house and crossing the ascendent means that these issues are be resolved, maybe "coming to light" in a more conscious way now that I'm moving out of the house of mystery and mysticism. I don't know. I hope so. I think it must be a good sign that I just happen to be awake and thinking about this during the time when transiting Saturn is coming into exact aspect with my ascendent. That has to mean something, right? Like my willingness to be awake to this and open to it, to face it instead of just wanting to "go back to sleep" and ignore the lessons. I hope Manannan can help me stay open to the lessons I need to learn, and in the meantime help me to maybe not be quite so hard on myself if things seem like a struggle or I have to work hard. I think it's a really important insight, that coming to terms with our boundaries and limitations (Saturn) is also about learning how to trust in the greater universe. I just read an old tale about Manannan that someone randomly posted online the other day, about a shepherd who is on his way home with his sheep one evening when he runs into Manannan, who teases him about his certainty of the way and pulls down a confusing mist that shrouds his eyes and makes him lose his sheep. After bumbling about in the dark mists all night, Manannan finally relents and lifts the mist, for the shepherd to find that he was only a few yards from home with all his sheep safe and accounted for by his side - and Manannan joking that sometimes he just likes to play a prank for the joy of it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in a similar position - stumbling around in the mist all night only to finally realize once the veil lifts away that I've been close to home all along and in no real danger. But I also have to wonder if maybe, if I didn't bumbled around quite so much and fret quite so loudly (and maybe sometimes comically), if Manannan wouldn't consider me quite so worth his attention. ;)

So with that thought, I'll call it a night.

Rejected Writing

I submitted a piece on "The Tao of #Occupy" to the Huffington Post a week and a half ago. Never heard back from them. Two days ago, this article came out: Occupy Buddha, by a Buddhist writer and teacher, Lewis Richmond.

A very cute piece, though kind of platitudinal and obvious for my taste. Personally - and I don't mean this arrogantly at all - I thought mine was better.

What sucks about the writing business is that so often they look at your bio before your work. If you don't have a number of impressive publications under your belt already, you can get left in the dust. I have spent my entire life writing and publishing. I had a book of poetry published before I even graduated college. I earn almost no money from my work, even though I spend more than 40 hours a week at it. Sometimes I get frustrated when I get passed over again and again because my personality is not exotic or charismatic enough. I get frustrated when I read interviews with editors and publishers who freely admit that they look for authors with personalities that will sell before they even bother to look at the quality of their work. My writing is good. It's complex, thorough, sometimes meandering, sometimes (I hope) challenging. I strive to avoid platitudes. We have enough of those. I try to write things that really challenge and push my own limits of knowledge, instead of only writing about simple, easy topics that I've already mastered. I figure that if I challenge myself, others will find my work challenging and valuable; if I write only what I already know, then I won't grow and neither will my readers.

Sometimes, I wish my work could be judged on its own merits, instead of dismissed because I'm not somebody the world thinks is important. Sometimes I get so frustrated at gatekeepers who handle their role irresponsibly, chasing profits or popularity instead of quality writing. I get especially frustrated at gatekeepers who pretend that they aren't gatekeepers, who show favoritism for individuals they find attractive or charismatic but get huffy and offended at the suggestion that their own bias might preclude better, more intelligent writing.

Most of all, I get frustrated at how no one seems to be saying anything new. Maybe that's what happens in the Information Age. When everything's been said, than the only people who get attention for saying it are the ones who can say it flashy, with jazz hands and a halo of pop culture enlightenment.

Maybe this is just Saturn Return stuff. I sometimes think that my confrontation with authority will take the form of a confrontation with the Rule of Immaturity. Stepkids, manipulative ex's, and a society that looks more and more like Brave New World even with the best of intensions.

Maybe I should just publish a book, no matter how shitty, if all anyone looks at is the cover.

Notes from "Disturbing Gentleness" by Timothy Morton

A fantastic talk about ontological nonviolence and its ties to Buddhism. The .mp3 plus PowerPoint slides are available here.

- no primordial substance or ultimate being, no world or environment as middle object

- existence is anarchy, reality is "deeply pointless"

- "It's not simply that nonviolence is a good idea. Nonviolence is existence. Existence is nonviolence."

- irreducible rift between essence and appearance - radical and fundamental - a thing IS self-contradiction

- past is appearance, essence is future, past and future coincide (?) without touching one another, like two beams of light interpenetrating - present is an illusion

- "being in the now" is a kind of materialism - what's meant by this meditative now-ness is a deep awareness of the rift - no such thing as "empty space"

- "What is the difference between a duck? One of its legs are both the same."

- thinking can become brittle with too rigorous metalanguage, rigid consistency - should be like a willow, accept that some contradictions are true

- much of philosophy is an intellectual defense against the threatening intimacy of things

- alien (nonhuman) phenomenology - "Things can dream one another because they are always already not themselves. Not even the thing itself can objectify itself."

- "Causality happens because of a dance of nonidentity taking place on the ontological inside of a thing."

- I v. me

- movement -> P and not-P

- movement is not something a thing does occasionally, motion is a deep ontological x (10:30ish) of a thing; motion arises from a rift between I and me

- Kant's discovery about human beings - that part of their nature is sealed from imperical access - is also true of objects

- hidden property of any entity - something in the beautiful experience is hidden, this unique thing is the beauty

- experience of beauty is essential part of democracy

- Kantian theory of beauty presupposes a being that can be wounded by colors, sounds, smells, textures, tastes, affected by them - attuning process of beauty can commence - (not mere appetite)

- "aesthetic distance" is misnomer for a non-conceptual aesthetic intimacy - aesthetic distance is not between a thing and another object, but lies within the thing itself

- why trauma is traumatic - it strips the world bare of the illusion that it isn't an illusion (15:45ish)

- things are co-existence in their being, interlinked, enmeshed

- "There very attempt to tear myself away enmeshes me further. Conscious co-existence with the mesh involves a form of nonviolence."

- the beauty experience in me shows that I am not my ego, the beauty experience proves to me that there are others

- experience of beauty - suddenly losing a sense of boundary, resonance with the other (opera singer and wine glass)

- "The knife of beauty is able to insert itself into the slit between an objects essence and appearance."

- death - shatters like a vase and the space inside the vase merges with the space outside it

- "Beauty is a nonviolent experience of near-death, a warning that one is fragile like everything else in the universe."

- thinking needs to risk its sanity a bit, put itself in some danger

- "The inner fragility of a thing is why a thing can exist at all."

- "Things are the rubble of other things. Nonviolence means to co-exist nonviolently with this rubble, to let the rubble be rubble rather than trying to build a nice smooth golf-course over it." - "A reduction of an object to its appearance is a reduction of an object to consistency. An object is internally riven, it is fundamentally inconsistent. Thus the imposition of consistency is simply violence on the most profound level at which violence can manifest. Nonviolence, at this level of being, is allowing an object to remain inconsistent."

- "What the #Occupy movements get right is that sheer coexistence of people, not an agenda - the media are hungry for a topic, but the #Occupy movements have simply transcended this demand - this sheer coexistence is a very powerful thing. Why? Because it is a living symbol of coexisting with coexistence as such, in all its inconsistency and fragility."

- meditation - a commitment to non-adjustment, allowing things to remain as they are, inconsistent

- "Humans must get used to the depth of nonviolence in their being." -> meditation, contemplation

Saturn Return: Weekly Meditation

Saturn is a planet of limitations and boundaries, placed at the threshold between the inner planets that reflect the energies and influences of everyday reality and the outer planets that reflect the energies and influences of cosmic cycles and forces. Saturn is a planet of authority, the sphere that circumscribes our life and sometimes leave us feeling trapped or hedged in by our limitations - but it is also a planet that helps us discover and understand our limits and, in so doing, become our own truest authority, the author of our own lives.

In my natal chart, Saturn is in Libra, a sign of balance and relationship. When we try to go to extremes in one direction or another, we run up against the flaws and limitations of those extremes, sometimes finding ourselves even worse off than before. But in bringing extremes into balance and harmonious relationship with each other - even if they seem to be opposites - we can find a new resonance that opens us up to whole new possibilities. The lesson of Saturn is not transcendence, but integration, and this is what it is exalted in the sign of Libra, where integrity can take the form of balance and a "middle way" between extremes.

What extremes do I recognize in my life right now?

• Productivity and Passivity - In my career, I feel challenged to "accomplish" something and make something of myself, to do something extraordinary with my life that will change the world. Emphasizing productivity in this way, I often end up focusing on the negative - what's wrong with the world that needs changing, and everything I should be doing to "fix" things. (Or, simpler than that, just neat ideas that "someone ought to do" that I then feel like I should pursue just for the sake of it being done.) But this focus leaves me feeling overwhelmed and even helpless. I get tired out quickly just thinking about everything I want to do or think I should do (or even just wondering what I possibly might do), and so much of the time I swing back towards the opposite extreme of passivity, procrastination and lethargy. I waste time on frivolous things for entertainment and distraction. Because I imagine that any work great enough to change the world must be complicated and difficult, I avoid doing things that seem too simple or clear-cut. (It's difficult for me to even do this exercise, because part of me thinks that it's all very obvious and so must be a waste of time.) But again, avoiding simple tasks gives me an excuse to procrastinate on the bigger tasks, abstracting them into monumental deeds that I never feel up to tackling - and the result of inactivity and complete lack of productivity.
• Socializing and Isolation - In my personal life, I spend a huge amount of time alone, even more than when I was living by myself but still working a waitressing job four days a week. Most of the day I sit at home on the computer while Jeff works downstairs, and we only have a chance to socialize once a week (sometimes less). On the other hand, this alone time isn't the kind of solitude that really nourishes me - it only leaves me feeling isolated and constrained, cut off from everyone else. Sitting at home all day (in a house that never quite felt "homey"), I don't connect to the space in relationship; I also rarely go out on my own to go hillwalking or just walking the neighborhood like I used to. Because Jeff is in the house all day, I look to him for a sense of connection and company instead of trying to cultivate it for myself (but of course, he's working and so can't really provide it). I also turn to the online community to find connection - but again, this is a shallow and false kind of connection that focuses a lot on negativity (people complaining about everything that's wrong) when it's not overtly competitive (the popularity contest of the internet world). So even when I spend most of my time alone, I end up feeling worn out by the "noise" that prevents me from finding real solitude.
• Bingeing and Neglect - Another place where there's been a new "extreme" cropping up is in my relationship with food. I'm not sure exactly what the causes of this might be (other than stress and bad habits), but these days I feel like I'm often fighting off cravings for unhealthy/junk foods but rarely experiencing actual hunger for healthy foods around mealtimes. I'll sleep in too late and more often than not will skip breakfast completely; then later, crave sweets or fatty foods as snacks in between meals or afterwards for dessert. Eating too late (or for the sake of something to do or as a reward from stressful "productivity") means staying up rather later than is good and not feeling very hungry in the morning. And so the cycle begins again. One cause of this might be to self-medicate stress from the pressure I put on myself. Another might be my feeling of disconnection and isolation that leads to frustration, leaving me swinging between neglecting to eat altogether and then stuffing my face to get that calorie rush.

How can I transform these into relationships of balance, in which I recognize my limitations and work in harmony with them instead of fighting against them?

• Creativity and Receptivity - I wrote about this a little bit before: changing the way I think about my work by focusing on creativity rather than productivity. The cards I pulled tonight showed the Ten of Wands and the Eight of Wands. In one, the woman bends over, burdened with the huge weight of a full-grown tree that supports an entire village. In the other, a woman (perhaps the same woman) stands upright and eager on an outcropping of rock, blowing dandelion seeds away from her open palm to be caught in the wind. I think these cards illustrate an important difference between creativity and productivity. Creativity might be represented by the seeds - light as air and holding great potential within them, creativity lets those seeds loose to be carried by the currents of the wind and take root where they may. The person letting the seeds loose doesn't necessarily have any control over or responsibility for where those seeds finally land; she is involved in something much bigger than herself. The woman in the Ten of Wands is involved in something much bigger than herself, too, but in her case she's taken the world upon herself and has made herself essential to it, for better or worse. She has a lot of control, but that control has become a heavy burden for her - she's taken on too much, too concerned for the end product, the full grown tree, rather than the seeds. Moving to a healthier, more harmonious relationship in this case might mean I need to focus on creativity as a way of planting seeds (process, not product), while also being receptive to what the winds will bring and the relationship I have with a larger world that's beyond my control.
• Company and Solitude - I think it would be helpful to reframe this issue as one about company and solitude, rather than "socializing" and isolation. These are no longer mutually exclusive - in true solitude, I have the freedom and space I need to be my own true self and, in that way, connect to the world around me in all its being and particulars. In company, I carry that solitude with me so that I am not overwhelmed or swept up by other people's feelings or opinions, and connecting with society becomes less noisy and frustrating. Accomplishing this might not be easy, as a lot of it depends on bad habits. Maybe some ideas to help: When seeking solitude, I can ask myself if I have a sense of freedom and spaciousness, or if something is constraining me or my actions. I can challenge myself to do things that will nourish me or engage me physically or emotionally even if no one else is around (including Jeff). I can spend some time contemplating the kind of company I would like to keep if I could hang out with anyone in the world, and spend time imagining how I might seek out that company or be that kind of company for others. I can make more attempts to go out and meet other people (no excuses! stop saying, "well, but we have such busy schedules, and we're going to be moving soon anyway so what's the point?"!!). And I can definitely spend less time on "social networking" sites online (already doing this and it's already helping).
• Sacramental Eating and Fasting - This one I'm the least sure about, but I know that I really appreciated the insights in John's latest NUP piece on sacramental eating. One step I can take is to restore mealtimes to sacred rituals - in particular, breakfast (as a time to nourish myself and begin my day), and dinner. Trying to avoid being on the computer or watching television during mealtimes would be helpful. Paying better attention to what I'm eating and making sure there are healthy snacks in the house so that I'm not falling back on junk when I get mid-day cravings. Perhaps every once in a while, spending some time on a deliberate, mindful fast might also help restore my relationship with food. I think in general, I need to give up this notion that Jeff and I can share a diet plan - that kind of controlling attitude towards food sends me back into the cycle of "productivity" and passivity where trying to exercise control becomes too much of a burden and so I start to make excuses to slip up. Instead, treating mealtimes as special family rituals might go some ways in restoring balance without turning eating into one more project that I can potentially fail at. This is perhaps what the final card in my reading, the Ace of Cups, might indicate: going back to the very beginning, where nourishment and replenishment is a gift and a source of life and connection.

These are all my thoughts for now. Hopefully I can work on some of these during the week. Ideally, I'd like to be able to do a simple ritual to represent some of these intentions and help me integrate them into my life. The next full moon is on Thursday, November 10, so it would be nice to have a simple ritual to do by then - I can spend the next two weeks thinking a bit about what I'd like to do.

Reflections on My Uncensored To-Do List

There's an awful lot of taking in compared to putting out on this list. For instance, probably half of the list is made up of various books that I want to read or practices (spiritual or otherwise) that involve listening or receptivity of some kind in order to connect and gain information.

My first reaction is to get down on myself for being too much of a "consumer" instead of a "producer." I should be doing more creative things, I should be producing more writing, more art and/or photography. I should be providing more services to people that they actually want or need. So says the critical voice in my head.

Is that true? When I try to think about it in terms of receptivity versus activity, I can be a little kinder to myself and not tune in as much to the demands of a society that can be very gimme-gimme demanding. Perhaps I am just in a "receptive" phase right now, where learning and listening are key elements and perfectly okay.

I know I'd probably be frustrated if I tried to give up writing altogether, and I definitely have the urge to do creative work (hence the interest in photography that has always lingered). In fact, sometimes my desire to create frustrates my desire to listen and open up to receptivity, so that neither happens and I end up in a stalemate. My fear perhaps is that I can't create until I'm "ready" because otherwise the product of that creativity will be limited, not as well informed as it could be, missing out on something. My best creative work has always come out of my own process of trying to understand, trying to process and integrate what I'm listening to. By thinking of production and consumption as too much at odds, maybe I'm cutting myself off from my source of creativity.

For now anyway, maybe I need to give myself permission to be in a more receptive mode or mood, and to allow whatever writing or creative work I do to grow out of that naturally in whatever way it will. Many of my writing goals are vague and ill-defined - while many of my "receptive" goals are very specific. Maybe I should take this as an indication of where my focus lies at the moment?

Meanwhile, simple rituals of meditation and offerings, as well as regular journaling of some kind, can keep the threshold between receptivity and creative activity open. If I'm not sure what to offer or create, maybe I can start with offering the simplest things.

The purpose of making the uncensored list of things I want to do was to get an idea about what kinds of things might fall into each of the four categories according to the four elements. I'll come back to this list and work at organizing it into four categories (or five, one of the major arcana) in a bit.

An Uncensored List of Things I Want to Do

Astrology

- weekly meditations and journaling on Saturdays for Saturn Return
- finish Sullivan's text on Saturn, read Greene's text on Saturn
- read Arroyo's text on astrology and the four elements
- complete natal charts for as many friends and family as possible
- every 6 weeks (on solar & fire festivals), look at up-coming and just-passed transits
- read the other astrology books I picked up while on honeymoon

Archetypes

- read King Warrior Magician Lover
- read Jung's relevant writings on archetypes
- work with tarot deck more frequently
- review Plotkin's work on soul development
- finally read Campbell's Hero with a Thousand Faces
- read book on story and human evolution (forget author)
- read Markale's text on Arthurian myths
- look at a theory of soul development that spans Plotkin, Campbell, astrology, tarot?

Spiritual Practice

- continue Flamekeeping shifts
- finish four remaining DOTR lessons for each of the elements
- regular meditation (with candle ritual?) in the morning
- regular libations/offerings in the morning
- regular water/integration ritual in the evenings
- hillwalking at least three times a week
- yoga on non-hillwalking days
- Peace of the Three Realms prayer meditation at least a few times a week
- journeying with Badger once a week (on Wednesdays?)
- weekly tarot card reading (on Mondays?)
- ogham work (maybe? divided up by elements?)
- practice guitar regularly
- practice drumming regularly
- new and full moon rituals each month

Deep Ecology

- hillwalking at least three times a week (see under Spiritual Practice)
- journeying with Badger (see under Spiritual Practice)
- read book on ecology in Celtic spirituality/mythology
- read Integral Ecology
- read Lovelock's text on the Gaia hypothesis
- read book on environmentalism and aesthetics
- read book on "sound ecology" (revisit text on noise and social justice)
- read Oxford Handbook of Religion and Ecology
- look into the Alliance of Religions and Conservation
- become member of the International Society for the Study of Religion, Nature, and Culture
- after the move, look into resources on local ecosystems/bioregion
- after move, spend hillwalking time each week connecting with new landscape

Writing

- finish 30 Days of Druidry meme for blog
- write more poetry (poetry exercises from Palm of Your Hand?)
- write twice monthly for NUP
- continue to work with guest post submissions for NUP
- follow-up on Wild Earth editorial position w/DD
- brainstorm article ideas for submission elsewhere
- work on finishing three short stories
- complete book manuscript for Graeme by early spring
- revise book manuscript by May 1st at latest
- work through Creating a Life Worth Living exercises
- work on Teen Druidry book manuscript

Photography

- research good DSLR camera and purchase
- purchase good photo editing software
- brainstorm a list of "projects" to pursue
- spend at least one afternoon each week working on photography (taking pics, editing)

Household & Family

- clean house once a week (Tuesdays?)
- go through wardrobe and drastically reduce
- go through basement and drastically reduce
- go through craft cabinet and drastically reduce
- go through each room week by week to clear out things we're not taking with us
- donate clothes, toys, books, furniture
- organize electronics in preparation for move
- organize altar objects and décor in prep for move
- write wedding gift thank you notes
- print up photo cards for thank you notes
- send thank you notes by thanksgiving
- get and read one or two stepmom-related books (maybe?)
- go out on a date with Jeff once a week
- choose pictures from the wedding to get as prints/album
- cut down on plastic use drastically
- investigate eco-friendly alternatives for home use

Diary - Career Help

Waiting for Jeff and Arthur to get done booking their flights on the computer so we can go to dinner. Meanwhile, I was skimming through Creating a Life Worth Living, ostensibly to see if it might be helpful to Jerilynn just to give her some ideas about how adults learn to grapple with the question of "being able to handle being grown up." But the more I flip through it, the more I think it might be worth while to go back through it and actually do some of the exercises and see where they lead.

My plan is to start a serious routine of creative/spiritual work for November. I'm stuck in a rut where I have very little that I have to do on any given day, but a long list of things I'd like to do.... so I get stuck and wind up sitting in front of the computer half the day perusing social networking websites and feeling guilty and angry and unsupported because I'm not "popular." When did I become someone who cared about being popular? When I started to think that being popular was the only way that you can make a living these days. Need to snap out of that. I'm hoping that this book will help.

Also, with my Saturn Return coming up, I wanted to open up to a bit more meditation time and learn to relax when I'm not working and focus when I am (instead of focusing on procrastination and as a result feeling neither accomplished nor rested, instead of both). I tried using the To Do list tool online that Jeff showed me, but that just ended up turning everything on the list into a burden, the list became something too ignore because I fell too far behind on things, and it wound up encouraging me to procrastinate more instead of less. So I need a new system.

An idea I thought up the other night was to use my Tarot cards - draw a single card each day, and have particular types of activities planned according to the suit of the card. So drawing a Pentacles card (of whatever number) would mean doing some sort of "earth" focused activities, while drawing a Swords card would correspond to "air" activities. Major Arcana cards would be something special.

To do this, I have to come up with some kind of way to organize the various things I want to get done according to the four elements, plus decide what the Major Arcana should stand for. I think the first step, then, is to sit down and make a list of all the various things I want to do, and then see if any patterns emerge. Obviously, Swords will probably correspond to "intellectual" types of activities, like perhaps studying, reading, doing research. I'm not sure writing should go under that element, though, since I want to open up my writing a bit more to creativity and imagination. So either Wands or maybe Cups, depending.

Jeff and Arthur have given up because the website just isn't working. So off to dinner and social time. More on this later.

Diary - Anger, Grace and God

Sun: scorpio (fixed water), 7:39 am - 6:29 pm
Moon: waning crescent, virgo (mutable earth), VoC
Earth: beautiful, sunny autumn day, crisp and cool but not too chilly


The shit has hit the fan, so to speak. We caught E in a direct lie about Josh's health - when we asked her what the results were from the allergy test, her response was that he was "definitely allergic." Her phrasing was circuitous enough (e.g. avoiding directly saying that's what the doctor had told her) that Jeff called the doctor himself to speak to him directly to make sure he understood the whole situation, at which point we found out that all of the test results had come back negative and the only evidence that Josh had any kind of allergy at all was E's word that he showed symptoms obviously and consistently after eating corn. (Part of her evidence, in fact, was that he shows symptoms every Monday. Obviously we can't say whether or not this is true, but if it is, it actually suggests it's not a corn allergy, since he's been on a raw vegan diet with us for months now and most definitely never has corn when he's with us on weekends. But this is just one more example of her inconsistency in reporting what exactly are his symptoms and when they show up.)

On top of the corn allergy issue (and Jerilynn's newly invented gluten intolerance, which E says explains why Jerilynn eats too much (?!)), E has taken it upon herself to insist that Jeff quit his job in order to stay in Pittsburgh, and even started job hunting for him (despite not being able to find and keep even a part-time job for herself and being entirely ignorant except for the most general terms about Jeff's skills and job qualifications). Besides all of the obvious reasons (e.g. a struggling economy) why it would be idiotic for him to quit his job and leave a career he loves on the assumption he can just find a different one.... her assumption that it's her responsibility to order Jeff's life is pretty mind-boggling.

When confronted with all of this directly - especially after the blatant lying, which made Jeff the angriest I've ever seen him - she justified her behavior and even claimed that she hadn't lied. She emailed him earlier today saying that they were going to have a talk when he dropped off the kids and he better be prepared to "stay for a while." He wrote back saying that he was too angry to talk to her right now and that he would email her. Unfortunately, this weekend we'd happened to borrow the van so that all of us could attend a boy scout event of Josh's, so when we arrived to drop off the kids and the van and pick up Jeff's car - she was sitting on top of it in an attempt to ambush us and force us into talking. At first she tried to sweet-talk Jeff, saying (in a double lie) that she'd only wanted to say one quick thing, and that was that she thought the plan for the move (which she had vehemently objected to via email) was actually a great idea. Both of these things were direct contradictions to things she had said in emails earlier. When we repeated that we weren't interested in talking to her right now and we would be communicating through email, her mood suddenly swung in the opposite direction. (I thought our response was pretty restrained, since we didn't point out that she had ambushed us, knowing we were angry with her and still ignoring our explicitly stated wishes, and then lied to us right in front of the kids.) She said with angry sarcasm, "What a great example to set for the kids!" (who, if she hadn't decided to corner us right in front of them, would never have even known whether we were emailing or calling), and then turned on the kids are snapped at them to get inside. Speaking of great examples....

I am, admittedly, very angry and still a bit shaken up. Her audacity in lying to us continues to compound every time she gets caught in another one, and her manipulative behavior I could never imagined would have gotten to the point of literally trying to prevent us from physically being able to leave (though, after all, this was the woman who broke into our apartment and then used it as a reason that we might as well give her a key so she wouldn't have to next time, so.... I guess I shouldn't be surprised).

Jeff and I have decided to try a strategy recommended to us by some folks who also have experience with high-drama exes over child custody issues. It's called "low-contact," and there are ten basic rules. It mostly involves making sure that all communication is written and documents, brief and to the point with no room for vagueness or exploitation. There are some recommendations that we're not sure how to handle - for instance, always making exchanges of the kids in public places where the ex can't make a scene or ambush you - but we can work that out somehow.

Reading the list of recommended strategies, I could definitely see some areas where I've been responding or reacting in ways that weren't helpful and that just fed into E's need to create drama and conflict. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself about that, and just resolve to do better in the future and keep my own anger at her in check. I think I got sucked into seeing things from her perspective - not so much agreeing with her, but thinking of the kids as some sort of project that needed to be carefully watched and controlled and protected from negative influences. The other night on the phone, I found myself telling my mother how it was hard to just let things go - especially lies that E tells to the kids - because it wasn't about Jeff or me at all, but about what was best for the kids and that was our end goal: do what is best for the kids. But of course, that's exactly the story E tells herself - that she needs to lie or manipulate others in order to protect the kids and do what's best for them. But ends don't justify the means. Compromising on personal values is not helpful for the kids, no matter what the end result might be. And I don't want to be the kind of person who is always angry and on the defensive and obsessing over all the ways their other care-givers are "doing it wrong." That's just playing E's game. And it's not a game I want to play anymore.

The thing is - last night I prayed to God. I was restless and angry and couldn't sleep, and I just kept arguing with E in my head repeating the same tirades over and over..... Finally, I just closed my eyes and prayed to God - not a god, but God, the god I knew in my childhood, the god I'd grown up knowing as the Christian god, the one who was in some way I never quite understood related to Jesus and his love and sacrifice. And I asked God to help me to find clarity and peace, and most of all to discover in myself the place where I could trust in Love and surrender to that trust and be the better person that I so much wanted to be. And almost immediately, I felt a wave of relaxation sweep over me and soon fell right asleep. And today... well, it's been stressful, yes, especially the confrontation with E. But I do still feel a certain among of clarity, even despite the stress. And that clarity is mostly about myself, and the things that I could be doing better and the ways that I can reclaim that center of myself that's sustained me for so long. That's why I trust it. It wasn't suddenly some clarity about how awful everyone else was or how they could be doing better - it was a way through to my own core, my own center. It wasn't judgement. It was grace.

And that sounds very Christian, I guess. But I still believe in all the things I've always believed in as a Pagan, I still believe that there are many gods and that the world is alive and thriving with beings of all kinds. It's just.... I'm thinking maybe I was too hasty to try to abandon the god of my childhood just because he got slapped with a Christian label before I knew any better. I no longer think of him as the only god, but.... I don't know. Maybe he's still my god, if that makes any sense. Or, at least, one of them. In the somewhat lackadaisical liberal Christianity I grew up with, there was a real relationship there that grew not out of dogma but out of my own self, my own center. And it nourished me and nurtured me and guided me well. Then I learned more about Christianity and understood I could not be Christian in good conscience.... but maybe I assumed that meant I couldn't have that relationship anymore because I'd always assumed it was a Christian one. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe that doesn't matter. It feels sort of like... coming home, the prodigal son.

Or maybe it was a coincidence. I don't know. But I think I want to see where it leads. To allow myself to pray to "God" as I knew him, and see where it takes me. I guess we'll see.

Diary Tarot Card

What insight can you give me tonight to help me find the clarity I seek?

At first, it seems that Temperance (XIV) is a block to the energy flow in the spread. Both the Page of Cups and the Two of Wands face towards the right, towards the future and the realm of activity in the external world; yet Temperance faces towards the right, towards the inner world and the past, where memory and intuition alike reside. After this first impression, though, the spread seems to suggest another interpretation - Temperance as a balance point between two opposites, the watery realm of Cups and the fiery realm of Wands. Even in the card itself, fire and water mingle in a spiraling yin-yang, dancing outward as dragon and phoenix as the angel of Temperance looks on.

So what, then, does Temperance balance? On the left, the Page of Cups is a card of intuition and innocent dreams, a connection to the deep waters of the unconscious where imagination and wisdom are born. The figure (as the artist describes) seeks out a place of quiet solitude where she might contemplate the golden shining reflections in her cup - listening to the still small voice of her intuition and giving free rein to her dreams and inspiration. On the right, the Two of Wands is a card of eager action, looking with attention and energy towards the future. The female figure sits upon her companion, a lion of strength and courage, perched on a high rock outcropping, over-looking the lands of her ancestors and (as the artist describes) imagining what great deeds she might accomplish now that those lands have passed on to her. She looks forward to all the great things she might manifest in the world with the resources available to her, and in her solitary stillness she makes plans and imagines possibilities. Both of these cards are concerned with the future, but those futures concern different realms - the inner and the outer. While the Two of Wands is a figure of strength and courage who is willing to act on her dreams in order to accomplish great things, the Page of Cups is a figure of receptivity and mystery who is willing to quiet her own thoughts in order to explore the realms of the unseen and the only-half-imagined.

Temperance in the center is a card of balance, but not only that. It is a card of dynamic and harmonious balance - in which opposites are brought into a dance with one another, rather than being restricted or arrested in a binding compromise. Temperance is a card of process, and the process is one of balance and harmonious relationship. Both the Page of Cups and the Two of Wands have their vulnerabilities. The Page of Cups is still a young woman, not yet risen to the wisdom of a queen, and her withdrawal into herself to seek her intuition and the inspiration of her dreams can too easily become an excuse for idle fantasy and naive, wishful thinking. On the other hand, the Two of Wands is a card of action and eagerness, at just the start of the journey, but the power of the will can become too outwardly-focused, resulting in rigid willfulness and stagnation which is isolated from the intuitive wisdom that could give it direction and focus. In both cases, a dynamic balance between the two are necessary to give each card's energies limits and boundaries in which to work most effectively.

Yet Temperance faces towards the Page of Cups on the left. In the end, I think this reading indicates that I have moved too much to the right, towards the energies of will and action of the Two of Wands, and that to find that healthy dynamic balance I would do best to look "to the past" and allow myself more of the solitude and stillness I once had, in which to find the time and space to listen more deeply to my own intuition and explore my own dreams. Perhaps this choice might put me at the risk of appearing foolish or naive, too much of a day-dreamer, to those who are eager to judge me as immature, just a silly page. Maybe this is where the courage and strength of the Two of Wands can serve me well - in being willing to be vulnerable in that way, and to more courageously seek out the solitude and quiet that I know my own soul truly needs at times.

Diary - Dreaming the Garuda

I've been under the weather on and off since getting back from our honeymoon, mostly because I've been pushing myself pretty hard with writing and other kinds of work and staying up later than is probably a good idea (also, the time zone shift back to EST was not as easy as the shift to Mountain Time going out, I think). Two evenings ago, I ended up having some sort of stomach/gas pains just as I was going to bed; they lasted through the night (so that I slept only fitfully) and most of the day yesterday, finally going away yesterday evening.

Last night, I had some intense and odd dreams. I don't remember much of them to begin with, but eventually the dream resolved into me going out to a club or party with friends, and needing to stop by a public bathroom where I began to vomit uncontrollably. The vomit wasn't the usual kind, but a kind of white foam that seemed to be generated near the back of my throat and would drain into my stomach from there, making me queazy, and also threatened to actually choke/suffocate me if I didn't continually spit it up into the toilet. Waking up from this dream was so disturbing and quick, that for a moment I thought I had actually vomited or spit up onto my pillow or that I was about to be sick. Luckily, I hadn't and I wasn't. As I lay there, the intensity of the feeling passed, but I remained somewhat queazy for a while.

Falling back asleep again, this time I dreamt that I was in a kind of rental/summer house. Looking outside from a downstairs room, I saw a hound in the backyard that was trying to escape through a wood fence. It had pried some of the wooden slats apart and was about half-way through, its front end outside the yard and its back legs still on the side towards the house where I could see them. Its one back leg looked all mangled and bloody - and I noticed what looked like a great beast crouched down right near the dog on this side of the fence. It had huge talons or claws and shaggy, feathery fur, and it seemed to be about to attack the dog or like it had just finished attacking it. I shouted out in distress and moved across the room to another window for a closer look, and by the time I looked again, the beast had disappeared - but the dog was on the other side of the fence, whole and healthy.

My yelling had disturbed some people in the house who came running and I told them what I'd seen. At first they didn't believe me... but then (as dreams do) some time seemed to pass and in the confusion it was decided that there was a dangerous beast around. (Sometime during this, I was singing and dancing to "In the Jungle", especially the "ooo-EEEE!" part.) I must have been thinking about what I'd seen during that time, because I reached the conclusion that the beast was not hurting but helping the dog and that, despite its monstrous appearance, it was a healing creature. I tried to tell the other people in the house this, saying its name (what kind of beast it was, not its personal name) was something like Celia or Selena or something. No one would listen. Later, I saw it charging away from a horse stable area out by the side of the house. It looked somewhat like a horse, except beastly and monstrous. Imagine a skeleton without any muscle on it, but with just skin draped over it like a thin silk bedsheet.... except the skin was shaggy with feathery fur that was tangled and matted and seemed worn or rotted away in some places. I saw it running towards me and shouted, and people came out, but it was clear that they couldn't see it. Again there was some confusion and someone was sick or injured in the midst of the people gathered outside. They all thought the beast had done it, but only I could see the beast standing just outside the press of people as though trying to get to the injured person (whom everyone was protecting), as though trying to help them.

Then the beast stood up on its hind legs and seemed to transform from a beast into a woman, except that as a woman she was incredibly tall and thin with elongated arms and legs. I could only really get an impression of her and it was impossible to tell if what I could see of her was her clothing or her skin/fur itself - her legs, though long, seemed to be covered with a thick shaggy coat of hair that bowed out around like M.C. Hammer pants almost, and her arms (at first extended out to her sides) had long sleeves that billowed down and looked like draped wings, like a bat's sort of, that folded in as she lowered her arms to her side. Her head was bowed the whole time, with shaggy, matted hair hanging down so that it hid her face entirely from view. She gave me the impression almost of being like a wild animal that could not come near so much noise and clamor and people, and yet to also have a consciousness or intent or instinct to try to help the injured person. There seemed to be a sadness all about her. (After I woke up, it made me think of something I'd once heard of somewhere where a healer would take a sickness from a person and their injury or illness would become a part of the healer instead, so that the healer's body was always diseased and disgusting - but the healer somehow could sustain the disease and so would not die.)

Again there was some confusion and time passing in the dream, and then it was night time and I wanted to go out to the beach under the moon. My parents were nervous about me going out at night, but I went anyway. I drove a minivan and had trouble with the brakes, which were connected to some huge contraption that half-blocked my view in the driver's seat. When attempting to adjust the contraption, it came apart in my hands. I drove for a while along a highway since I could no longer stop, and realized that it wasn't night at all - it was a bright and sunny afternoon, and the darkness had not been night falling but an enormous storm of black thunderclouds that had blotted out the sun. But the storm was passing over (without doing any damage) and leaving the day sunny and fine. It was around this time that I woke up.

When Jeff came in to see how I was in the morning, I was still feeling pretty queazy and drained. I told him about my dream, and when I got to the part about the M.C. Hammer pants, he interrupted me and said it reminded him of the Garuda, a mythological bird-man creature in Hindu and Buddhist mythology. He went and got a card from his Buddha Tarot deck that had the Garuda on it and showed it to me - the figure had bird's legs that billowed out with feathers before coming in again in skinny, scaled bird feet with talons. The rest, though, didn't look much like the figure I'd seen - but mainly because I hadn't been able to see much of the face of the beast except for a vague impression.

Out of curiosity, later I looked up the Garuda on wikipedia. The wikipedia page says that one of the earliest references to the Garuda was in the Vedas, under the name "Śyena" and that it was a mount for the god Vishnu. It was a being associated with healing and in particular with protection against poisons (especially snake poisons). In Buddhist mythology, the Garuda is described as having enormous wings, so large that when they flap they "create hurricane-like winds that darken the sky." The Garuda is much bigger than a man, but can make itself smaller or larger, and is able to take human form in order to have dealings with people. It can also appear or disappear at will.

Doing an image search on Google, most of them looked more similar to the image of Jeff's Buddha Tarot card - but I did find one here that is somewhat similar to it, being longer and taller, and even the face to some extent though I could only ever get glimpses or vague impressions of it - but in the dream, the creature was much more beastly and frightening-looking, which is something it does have in common with many of the other images of the Garuda I was able to find.



Not sure what to make of this dream exactly, but the images of the storm that came afterwards, the shape-shifting and appearing/disappearing of the beast and its association with healing - especially right after the earlier dream where I was vomiting up white foam of some kind - all seem to indicate some kind of correlation.

In any case, I am going to take things easy and try to rest for today. Or however long it takes for me to recover from this cold that's clinging on.

Letter to Mentor

Bob,

It's been just over two months since my last letter to you. As I mentioned in my letter at the beginning of August, I'd decided to put DOTR work aside until after our wedding and honeymoon, but of course my Druidry work more generally never really ceases! Now that it's October, I'm easing back into a somewhat stable routine of spiritual practice, and I'm thinking of using Samhain as an ideal time to renew my work on the DOTR lessons (primarily those focused on the four elements). This will give me time to get that Stephen Arroyo book I mentioned before, about the role of the four elements in astrology, which I hope will be a good resource to accompany (and deepen) my review.

I find that the more I study astrology, the more fascinated I am with it - especially with the "depth psychology" approach that Arroyo and a few others use in modern times, in contrast to what he calls "mundane astrology," which is more traditional and focuses more on predicting external events. Instead, the psychological approach treats astrology as a tool for gaining insights into the inner energetic fields and patterns of the individual. In some ways, it seems simpler, or at least easier for a novice to jump quickly into relevant and meaningful readings based on a few simple interpretive guidelines. On the other hand, those simple interpretive guidelines often seem to lay bare patterns at the heart of the inner psyche that, by the time they filter up into more obvious, conscious behaviors and beliefs, can be incredibly varied and diverse in how they express themselves. When I first began working on an interpretation of my own natal chart, it was constantly surprising how certain aspects of my chart seemed to describe accurately patterns of inner energetic relationships that have expressed themselves in so many different ways in my life over the years, but that once brought to light seemed obviously connected. And just as surprising was how other patterns were so clearly not expressive in my life and did not describe me at all, and how they always corresponded to aspects or patterns definitely not in my natal chart - so that it seems impossible to agree with the argument that skeptics often use, that astrological readings are so vague as to apply to anyone. Though broad or somewhat abstract, the interpretations Arroyo offers are rarely vague, and I can tell almost immediately when I'm reading about an aspect or correspondence whether or not it is likely to appear in my own chart, even before I check it against the chart itself. I have no idea by what mechanism the stars in the sky at the time and place of our birth can so deeply affect, or reflect or speak to, aspects of our inner psyches.... but there's definitely something significant going on. (It reminds me of the physicist I saw recently talking about the latest challenges in modern physics, such as exploring exactly how and why gravity works - the theory being that there are other dimensions curled up within our own three spatial dimensions that somehow give gravity and mass to subatomic particles. Perhaps in the same way, somehow the stars give shape and design to our inner lives - or maybe the other way around - as though there are deeper things at work, webs of connection curled up and embedded within our mundane material reality.)

So I've continued to study astrology over the past two months, and I'm about to launch into Arroyo's book on the elements to go along with my DOTR lessons. In addition, I'll be reading two different books on the influence of Saturn and especially the Saturn Return, as my own is coming up soon and (depending on how tight an orb you use) could be starting as soon as the end of this month. The first exact conjunction of transiting Saturn with my natal Saturn will be on Christmas, December 25 itself, and it will come into exact aspect twice more (because Saturn will go retrograde and then direct again) over the next year, with the final conjunction in next September (on our first year wedding anniversary, in fact). Because of a few other aspects in my chart (Saturn being conjunct Pluto right on my Ascendant, for instance), this coming year promises to be particularly intense, so much of my meditative work in the coming months is going to be focused on working with Saturnine energies in one way or another.

Other than this astrological work, I've been doing some work with archetypes and Jungian psychology thanks to my brother and his career as a "consumer psychology analyst." During a visit with him in August (when we were introducing our cats to each other so he could cat-sit for us while we were away on honeymoon), he just happened to lend me a book on archetypes and "the marketing of meaning" in modern advertising. That book had some fascinating but also some deeply troubling things to say about the use of psychological and spiritual symbols in modern consumer capitalism, but it did help me to clarify my own attitudes towards my writing as a potential career. When we saw him again in September, he lent me another book by the same author, this time much more of a "self-help" type of book that went into more depth and detail about the various archetypes. I'm intrigued by how these might match up with the kinds of archetypes and energies used in astrology, though I want to do a bit more research and experimentation before I can really draw any conclusions.

Also in August, I spent some time working through the "30 Days of Druidry" meme I'd written up and shared on the DOTR blog in July. I'm only part way through the thirty writing prompts, so I'll be continuing that in October and possibly in November as well. Those are published on my blog over on my website, if you wanted to check them out.

During September, it was pretty much non-stop wedding stuff for the first two weeks, and then honeymooning for the second two. One thing I am rather proud of (if you don't mind me getting personal and female for a second): a spell I cast during the August full moon to ensure that the wedding week and honeymoon wouldn't be interrupted by my rather painful and exhausting "that time of the month" turned out to be an astounding success. Though I was on a rhythm that put the worst of it right smack on our wedding day itself, I was able to move things forward more than a week, leaving me feeling rested and well for the week leading up to the wedding and for the two weeks after while Jeff and I were out west camping. I rarely do any kind of spellwork with such mundane, physical ends in mind. Most of my spellwork (which honestly I don't do much of in any case) is focused on inner emotional or psychological work, magic as "a willed change in consciousness." But this was one of those rare times when I had no real recourse to mundane, non-occult means of bringing about the desired outcome, which is the only time I feel like magic directed towards mundane goals is really called for. So I was particularly pleased at how well the spell worked - accurate to the very day. Not bad for someone rather out of practice!

Unfortunately, Jeff and I hadn't bothered to do any spellwork regarding weather for the wedding day (another use of magic that I feel less than enthusiastic about, especially since Jeff's ex-wife had a reputation for brazenly trying to manipulate the weather on a regular basis). We had a gorgeous week at the beach - sunny and warm and perfect beach weather - but the day of the wedding itself was gray and blustery, with winds so strong that almost the entire beach was covered by water (though usually even at high tide there was at least fifty yards of flat sand above the water's edge). Honestly, it was breathtakingly beautiful, though a bit chillier than we'd expected. Still, the rain held off the entire day (finally starting not thirty seconds after Jeff and I left together at the end of the reception), so we did have our ceremony down on the beach as we'd expected, on the threshold of the three realms. We had spent time during a visit the year before petitioning the spirits of the local land for their blessing on our wedding, and we had done similar work the day right before the wedding. Our guests joked that, well, we'd asked the elements and the three realms to show up, and they showed up in force! There may be some truth to that. (Jeff's oldest daughter, Savanah, said that during our invocations to the three realms in the ceremony itself, sand crabs and sea gulls both seemed to draw in closer to the small gathering of us on the beach.) All in all, it was an intense experience, and in some ways I think the weather forced everyone to really ground in their bodies and experience the power and beauty of the natural world in a deeply visceral way... which is exactly what we wanted. (My hair is probably going to be an absolute mess in all of our wedding photos, though!)

During our honeymoon the following two weeks - which we spent out in Utah and New Mexico camping and hiking in various national parks - I spent a lot of time working through some inner blocks or issues involving my career and in particular with my writing. I plan to write up something on this experience sometime soon and share it to my Working the Three Realms blog, so if you're interested in that, you can check it out there.

Since this letter has become way too long already, though, I'll end it here for now. Looking forward to hearing from you. Hoping your autumn has been well and blessed so far! I'd love to hear how you work with Erynn's book and the Three Cauldrons has been going!

--Ali