There's an awful lot of taking in compared to putting out on this list. For instance, probably half of the list is made up of various books that I want to read or practices (spiritual or otherwise) that involve listening or receptivity of some kind in order to connect and gain information.
My first reaction is to get down on myself for being too much of a "consumer" instead of a "producer." I should be doing more creative things, I should be producing more writing, more art and/or photography. I should be providing more services to people that they actually want or need. So says the critical voice in my head.
Is that true? When I try to think about it in terms of receptivity versus activity, I can be a little kinder to myself and not tune in as much to the demands of a society that can be very gimme-gimme demanding. Perhaps I am just in a "receptive" phase right now, where learning and listening are key elements and perfectly okay.
I know I'd probably be frustrated if I tried to give up writing altogether, and I definitely have the urge to do creative work (hence the interest in photography that has always lingered). In fact, sometimes my desire to create frustrates my desire to listen and open up to receptivity, so that neither happens and I end up in a stalemate. My fear perhaps is that I can't create until I'm "ready" because otherwise the product of that creativity will be limited, not as well informed as it could be, missing out on something. My best creative work has always come out of my own process of trying to understand, trying to process and integrate what I'm listening to. By thinking of production and consumption as too much at odds, maybe I'm cutting myself off from my source of creativity.
For now anyway, maybe I need to give myself permission to be in a more receptive mode or mood, and to allow whatever writing or creative work I do to grow out of that naturally in whatever way it will. Many of my writing goals are vague and ill-defined - while many of my "receptive" goals are very specific. Maybe I should take this as an indication of where my focus lies at the moment?
Meanwhile, simple rituals of meditation and offerings, as well as regular journaling of some kind, can keep the threshold between receptivity and creative activity open. If I'm not sure what to offer or create, maybe I can start with offering the simplest things.
The purpose of making the uncensored list of things I want to do was to get an idea about what kinds of things might fall into each of the four categories according to the four elements. I'll come back to this list and work at organizing it into four categories (or five, one of the major arcana) in a bit.
