Spoons

Jeff and I started our Imbolc detox diet yesterday, which is just my luck since I was awake at 3 AM last night and couldn't fall back asleep for several hours. (Got some more Sherlock Holmes reading done, though.) Normally on a day following that, I'd rely heavily on something with caffeine in it... but I guess now I'm going to have to make due with watered-down green tea.

Can I just say... I really dislike when people talk about not having "spoons." The phrase originally came from an essay in which a woman was explaining to her friend (while they were having lunch together in a diner) what it was like to have Lupus, and she used the limited number of spoons on the table as a metaphor for how she had to manage her very limited energy resources just to get through a normal day. In the context of that story, it was a really good illustration of how hard it is to live with a largely "invisible" disease.

But most of the time when I see people using it, they just mean they're tired. Having to manage your time and energy is just something you have to do, no matter who you are. We all have to choose our priorities, and we all have to decide where our boundaries are and how long we're going to stay in a difficult, challenging or confrontational situation before we need to step back and regroup in our own space. This might be especially true for introverts, and I think it's really true for the time we spend online, since we can feel like we're alone even when we're interacting with people. So yeah, you can get tired, or realize you have other shit you need to do. You can even get blindsided by an emotionally-charged conversation in which you end up getting attacked for events that happened (and even some things that didn't happen) nearly two years ago and which, as far as you remember, were resolved pretty amicably at the time but now you find out someone has been nursing anger about it for years. But guess what? You still don't have Lupus.

I don't like how eager some people are to identify themselves as victims. This is one reason why I was never comfortable with calling myself a "witch," because I don't resonate with the archetype of the persecuted, misunderstood harlot-or-hag living on the edge of the village. I can show solidarity with people who are marginalized and work for social justice and inclusivity and equality... but I don't need to place myself in the position of being a victim. I feel like it's dishonest to identify as someone who is persecuted when I'm actually very privileged in many ways (and I felt that way back when I was working the night shift as a waitress in a shitty diner and living below the poverty line.... so yeah, if I'd ever had legitimate cause to identify with the marginalized it would have been then). And I don't feel comfortable using language that suggests my introvertedness or my need to manage my time and energy effectively is the same thing as having a debilitating disease. It'd be like me getting a bad head cold and saying, "Gosh, I feel like I have AIDS." Nope.

But I could even understand if it's just become easy shorthand for talking about time and energy management. What really bothers me is when it becomes an excuse to avoid dealing with the consequences of your actions. The original story is all about the careful planning that is demanded by having something like Lupus, how you can't take anything for granted but have to constantly think ahead about how you choices right now are going to affect your energy levels later on, and you have to make trade-offs that are worth making instead of squandering your energy and time on things that aren't really important.

But what I see happening sometimes instead is that someone will provoke a confrontation, and then use a "lack of spoons" as an excuse to disengage, to shut down conversation if anyone disagrees with them or challenges them. They'll flounce in, drop a drama-bomb and then play the victim if anybody dares to question that kind of behavior. They'll refuse to engage with anyone asking for something more substantial than their angrily defiant declaration that "I HAVE FEELS and it's your fault!"

You're out of spoons? Really? You certainly seemed to have plenty when you wrote that diatribe riddled with accusations and personal attacks.

Maybe you would have more spoons if you stopped chucking them at people like ninja throwing stars.