For instance, I responded to another person's comment about how John admitting to feelings of embarrassment is "not exactly a glowing example of tolerance" in this way:
Tolerance is not the same as perfection. If we expect perfection from everyone else, it’s no wonder if we go around feeling as though every imperfection in others is some form of intolerance or oppression towards us.
John, like everyone, sometimes overstates his case or overgeneralizes, but in my experience, he is always working from a place of respect. If he chooses to admit publicly that some parts of the Pagan community make him feel uncomfortable, I think that is a good thing. We need people who are willing to be honest, without mistaking their personal feelings for Truth-capital-T. Only when we support that kind of honesty in dialogue can we have accountability within a community.
You know that you've wandered into troll territory when such a comment incites this response from a third party:
"We shouldn’t have to ‘tolerate’ one another and our differences; we should accept and respect."
This is nit-picking over vocabulary instead of grappling with the meaning and context of the comment, and furthermore it's not even my vocabulary that this second troll is nit-picking, but the word choice of the person I was responding to!
As for what we can expect from others when it comes to our differences and disagreements, this is my list, going from "that's kinda sucky but at least it's not actual oppression" to "that's so nice of you":
- (1) Indifference - "Do whatever you like. I'll be over here, ignoring you."
- (2) Tolerance - "Do whatever you like. I can take large doses of you without it making me queasy."
- (3) Respect - "Do whatever you like. Like me, you are an individual with an ethical sense and a functioning brain, and I trust you to use both effectively in making your own choices."
- (4) Acceptance - "Do what you do. I'll accept what you have to offer as a valued contribution to our shared community."*
- (5) Appreciation - "Do that thing you do so well. I may not understand it completely, but it sure is pretty."
- (6) Admiration - "Do that thing you do so well. My understanding of your work allows me to enjoy it all the more."
- (7) Accolades - "You did that thing you do so well. Here is a cookie."
- (8) Authority - "You do that thing better than anyone else in our community. Can you show me how to do it?"*
- (9) Perfection - "You do that thing perfectly. There is no way you could ever improve and you are beyond all criticism. Any criticisms of your work or suggestions about how it might be better are inherently baseless and therefore examples of intolerance."**
* Note that Acceptance and Authority assume that you are a member of a shared community. You should not expect acceptance from or authority in a community of which you yourself declare that you are not a member. However, you may be afforded Respect, Appreciation and even Accolades from a community other than your own.
** Note that this never happens.
I'm pretty sure that almost every time I've heard a recon in Troll Country complain about intolerance or a lack of respect (especially from that apparently ubiquitous monster "majority Pagans," whom I've never actually met either online or in person), what they're really complaining about is receiving responses (2) - (4) instead of the responses (5) - (9) that they think they deserve (even from people that they are very carefully insisting are not part of their community). Most important to note is that, all other things being equal, none of these responses counts as actual intolerance, let alone overt oppression. (1) and (2) may not be very nice, but they still do not deny or reject your personal freedom to do what you like.
Now I need someone with more skill than me to turn this into a meme-catching infographic.
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