Monday, March 26, 2012

Naturalist Journal for the Pacific Northwest

Source: flickr.com via Alison on Pinterest


Source: flickr.com via Alison on Pinterest


Source: flickr.com via Alison on Pinterest


Source: flickr.com via Alison on Pinterest


Source: flickr.com via Alison on Pinterest


Source: flickr.com via Alison on Pinterest


Source: flickr.com via Alison on Pinterest


Source: flickr.com via Alison on Pinterest


Source: flickr.com via Alison on Pinterest

Revised Uncensored To-Do List

Things I've Accomplished Since Samhain

- finish Sullivan's text on Saturn, read Greene's text on Saturn
- continue Flamekeeping shifts
- regular meditation (with candle ritual?) in the morning
- hillwalking at least three times a week
- yoga on non-hillwalking days
- Peace of the Three Realms prayer meditation at least a few times a week
- read book on ecology in Celtic spirituality/mythology
- started book on storytelling and human evolution
- write twice monthly for NUP
- continue to work with guest post submissions for NUP
- follow-up on Wild Earth editorial position w/DD
- research good DSLR camera and purchase
- clean house once a week (Tuesdays?)
- go through wardrobe and drastically reduce
- go through basement and drastically reduce
- go through craft cabinet and drastically reduce
- go through each room week by week to clear out things we're not taking with us
- donate clothes, toys, books, furniture
- organize electronics in preparation for move
- organize altar objects and décor in prep for move
- write wedding gift thank you notes
- print up photo cards for thank you notes
- send thank you notes by thanksgiving
- go out on a date with Jeff once a week
- cut down on plastic use drastically
- investigate eco-friendly alternatives for home use
- become a Seattle Volunteer Naturalist
- attend spring and fall training (Thursdays and Saturdays)
- teach at least two programs per month
- design one or two new programs to teach
- keep a naturalist journal
- participate in Pagan Blog Project 2012
- moved across the country
- found a new apartment

Revised and Updated To-Do List for Spring and Summer

(italics for new items)

Podcasting

- design website for Faith, Fern and Compass
- do weekly research for podcast topics
- set up payment for pro subscriptions
- record two episodes weekly with Jeff
- post-production editing


Astrology & Archetypes

- weekly meditations and journaling on Saturdays for Saturn Return
- read Arroyo's text on astrology and the four elements
- complete natal charts for as many friends and family as possible
- every 6 weeks (on solar & fire festivals), look at up-coming and just-passed transits
- read the other astrology books I picked up while on honeymoon
- work with tarot deck more frequently
- finally read Campbell's Hero with a Thousand Faces
- read book on story and human evolution (forget author)

Spiritual Practice

- continue Flamekeeping shifts
- finish four remaining DOTR lessons for each of the elements
- regular meditation (with candle ritual?) in the morning
- regular libations/offerings in the morning
- regular water/integration ritual in the evenings
- hillwalking at least three times a week
- yoga on non-hillwalking days
- Peace of the Three Realms prayer meditation at least a few times a week
- weekly tarot card reading (on Mondays?)
- practice guitar regularly
- new and full moon rituals each month

Deep Ecology

- become a Seattle Volunteer Naturalist
- attend spring and fall training (Thursdays and Saturdays)
- teach at least two programs per month
- design one or two new programs to teach
- keep a naturalist journal

- hillwalking at least three times a week (see under Spiritual Practice)
- read Integral Ecology
- read Lovelock's text on the Gaia hypothesis
- read book on environmentalism and aesthetics
- read book on "sound ecology" (revisit text on noise and social justice)
- read Oxford Handbook of Religion and Ecology
- look into the Alliance of Religions and Conservation
- become member of the International Society for the Study of Religion, Nature, and Culture

Writing

- participate in Pagan Blog Project 2012
- finish 30 Days of Druidry meme for blog
- write more poetry (poetry exercises from Palm of Your Hand?)
- write twice monthly for NUP
- continue to work with guest post submissions for NUP
- write quarterly Wild Earth feature for Aontacht
- brainstorm article ideas for submission elsewhere
- complete book manuscript for Graeme by early spring
- revise book manuscript by May 1st at latest
- work through Creating a Life Worth Living exercises
- work on Teen Druidry book manuscript


Photography

- purchase good photo editing software
- brainstorm a list of "projects" to pursue
- spend at least one afternoon each week working on photography (taking pics, editing)

Household & Health

- stick to meal plan for healthier, more balanced diet
- exercise with Jeff three times a week
- jog two to three times a week
- get bike fixed
- bike once or twice a week
- yoga and/or back-strengthening exercises three times a week
- try to get closer to 10,000 steps/day goal
- put up curtains for the new apartment
- unpack small decor items for apartment
- put up pictures and other wall hangings

Uncensored To-Do List, Revisited

Key

- Completed (or done on a regular basis)
- Not something I want to do anymore

Astrology

- weekly meditations and journaling on Saturdays for Saturn Return
- finish Sullivan's text on Saturn, read Greene's text on Saturn
- read Arroyo's text on astrology and the four elements
- complete natal charts for as many friends and family as possible
- every 6 weeks (on solar & fire festivals), look at up-coming and just-passed transits
- read the other astrology books I picked up while on honeymoon

Archetypes

- read King Warrior Magician Lover
- read Jung's relevant writings on archetypes
- work with tarot deck more frequently
- review Plotkin's work on soul development
- finally read Campbell's Hero with a Thousand Faces
- read book on story and human evolution (forget author)
- read Markale's text on Arthurian myths
- look at a theory of soul development that spans Plotkin, Campbell, astrology, tarot?

Spiritual Practice

- continue Flamekeeping shifts
- finish four remaining DOTR lessons for each of the elements
- regular meditation (with candle ritual?) in the morning
- regular libations/offerings in the morning
- regular water/integration ritual in the evenings
- hillwalking at least three times a week
- yoga on non-hillwalking days
- Peace of the Three Realms prayer meditation at least a few times a week
- journeying with Badger once a week (on Wednesdays?)
- weekly tarot card reading (on Mondays?)
- ogham work (maybe? divided up by elements?)
- practice guitar regularly
- practice drumming regularly
- new and full moon rituals each month

Deep Ecology

- hillwalking at least three times a week (see under Spiritual Practice)
- journeying with Badger (see under Spiritual Practice)
- read book on ecology in Celtic spirituality/mythology
- read Integral Ecology
- read Lovelock's text on the Gaia hypothesis
- read book on environmentalism and aesthetics
- read book on "sound ecology" (revisit text on noise and social justice)
- read Oxford Handbook of Religion and Ecology
- look into the Alliance of Religions and Conservation
- become member of the International Society for the Study of Religion, Nature, and Culture
- after the move, look into resources on local ecosystems/bioregion
- after move, spend hillwalking time each week connecting with new landscape

Writing

- finish 30 Days of Druidry meme for blog
- write more poetry (poetry exercises from Palm of Your Hand?)
- write twice monthly for NUP
- continue to work with guest post submissions for NUP
- follow-up on Wild Earth editorial position w/DD
- brainstorm article ideas for submission elsewhere
- work on finishing three short stories
- complete book manuscript for Graeme by early spring
- revise book manuscript by May 1st at latest
- work through Creating a Life Worth Living exercises
- work on Teen Druidry book manuscript


Photography

- research good DSLR camera and purchase
- purchase good photo editing software
- brainstorm a list of "projects" to pursue
- spend at least one afternoon each week working on photography (taking pics, editing)

Household & Family

- clean house once a week (Tuesdays?)
- go through wardrobe and drastically reduce
- go through basement and drastically reduce
- go through craft cabinet and drastically reduce
- go through each room week by week to clear out things we're not taking with us
- donate clothes, toys, books, furniture
- organize electronics in preparation for move
- organize altar objects and décor in prep for move
- write wedding gift thank you notes
- print up photo cards for thank you notes
- send thank you notes by thanksgiving
- get and read one or two stepmom-related books (maybe?)
- go out on a date with Jeff once a week
- choose pictures from the wedding to get as prints/album
- cut down on plastic use drastically
- investigate eco-friendly alternatives for home use

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Naturalist Journal for the Pacific Northwest

Source: flickr.com via Alison on Pinterest


Source: flickr.com via Alison on Pinterest

Diary - Naturalist Journal and Health

Tomorrow Jeff and I officially begin our work as volunteer naturalists with the Seattle Parks, attending a potluck welcoming party and introduction to the program. This Saturday is our first actual training class, and I'm hoping to be able to attend both the Saturday and the Thursday modules, both because I'm interested in getting as much out of this as I can and because I'd like to have the flexibility to teach both weekday school programs and the general public programs held on weekends. Plus, more time outside in the park - nothing wrong with that.

I've been keeping up with my naturalist journal that I started about a week and a half ago, sitting down to do some drawing and research every few days. It's been amazing how good drawing feels - quieting down to work, being able to focus and concentrate on just the details in front of me, and in the end somehow ending up with something that looks half-way decent. Unlike much of my writing these days, which just feels like a slog through a jungle of noisy details and half-formed ideas, sketching is refreshing and satisfying, helping me to focus without overwhelming me. Perhaps I've just burned myself out with writing recently, putting too much pressure on myself, and so I need some nonverbal form of creativity and self-expression to loosen things up again.

It's also been a fantastic way to learn more about the animals and plants in the area. I'm not doing all that intense research, but I have been slowly gathering sources on specific species and such. Reading the two books on naturalist journaling that I got was a huge help in giving me some direction on how to focus and what to note while out in the field - and there's something satisfying with being able to carefully observe a creature that you're unfamiliar with, and then come home and look them up in a field guide and be able to identify them and learn something more about them. I especially like the "thought experiments" recommended in the book I just finished (Tomlinson's How to Keep a Naturalist's Notebook), asking questions about what the evidence can tell you about a certain animal and its habits, for instance. (The example she uses is the fox scat she finds, which leads her to question what direction it was facing when it relieved itself, what was it looking at, why did it choose that particular spot, were there other foxes around, etc. All from a few scat droppings and never even seeing the fox itself.) I do sometimes feel overwhelmed by the idea of asking questions I don't have answers to, or not even knowing what questions to ask. For instance, I'd like to ask myself where the chickadees who frequent the trees in our front yard actually make their nests, or where the hummingbird who sometimes perches on top of the tree goes once he's done with the neighbor's feeder. But I don't even know where I'd start to find the answers to those questions or how I could track down those places even if I could find out. I'm sure there are other things I could ask - like how the males attract the females, and when the mating season starts and when nest building occurs and how could I go about locating a nest, etc. - but the number of things I don't know seems somewhat overwhelming.

I'm just getting my feet wet in this and I have a feeling a lot of my learning will involve doing the research first and then setting myself tasks, like a scavenger hunt, to seek out certain things I've read about. And of course, the volunteer naturalist training will help a lot, too. I'm very excited about taking notes and then hopefully following up on what I've learned over the course of the following week. Nervous, of course, as I always am before something like this - but also eager. Sometimes I think I really do love learning much more than I enjoy putting that learning to any kind of practical use. For me, the exploration and discovery is the real treat, the same way that learning the little details about the person you're falling in love with is a pleasure in itself and not just a means to getting into their pants or something so crude. There is joy in growing into that kind of intimacy, and that's what I'm hoping to cultivate with this work - an intimacy with the land and landscape that has become my new home.

~

I'm also feeling motivated to exercise more. I've put on three more pounds since Christmas, so that I'm pretty much the heaviest I've ever been in my life. Even that isn't so overweight, but it's still more than I'd like and I'm sure it affects my energy levels and such. I think the primary cause is simply stress, and the fact that I've allowed that stress to lead me into some rather bad habits (like dessert after dinner every night). But I want to live a long and healthy life, so nipping those bad habits in the bud right now is a fairly high priority.

It's also a point of pride, I suppose. My mother always used having kids as an excuse for her weight gain, and while I can understand that I also think it was more of an excuse than it needed to be. There are healthy ways to cope with stress, and there are unhealthy ways. And since I have chosen to be child-free by choice, even if I am a stepmother, I have to admit that I do somewhat resent putting on stress-related weight because of all this bullshit nonsense of dealing - not with the kids, but with Emily and her insanity. I'm not sure how I managed to get so far down the rabbit hole of guilt and expectation even while fighting all along against her warped belief that a woman's job is to be a mother and failure at that - or rejection of that - was a failure to be fully mature and responsible. I have to admit, I hold a lot of resentment towards that woman, not only for how she treats me (which is piss poor on the best of days, and she never had been able to bring herself to treat me as an adult), but especially for how she treats Jeff. I could strangle her for that - even now, I find myself getting angry simply thinking about it. But we've let the lawyers know we will no longer be working with them, since they misled us and overcharged us so completely, and now it's going to be on Emily's dime to file for a custody adjustment, and we can be the ones who sit back and say "no" while insisting we want to be amiable and fair. See how she likes it. And since the current custody arrangement states that Jeff has 50/50 joint physical and legal custody and that all he needs is a verbal agreement from Emily to change the specifics of times, etc. - a verbal agreement which he got from her, in front of five other witnesses - it doesn't matter how long she takes to file for a custody adjustment, he can show up and get the kids any time he wants until that point. So we're finally in a position where we're holding the cards and she won't be able to force us to spend any more money or make us miserable. She hasn't has the guts to actually enforce the incredibly limited schedule that she proposed for Jeff talking to the kids on Skype (though she insists he can only talk to them until 2:30 PM PST/5:30 PM EST because that's when they have to have dinner, she's never once ever actually had dinner ready on time, so he's been able to talk to them for longer). Since they've set up a regular schedule, she also doesn't have any excuse for "accidentally" scheduling things during that time and so cutting into Jeff's time to talk with them - if she does, everyone will know that it's her incompetence and not Jeff's neglectfulness that is fucking things up.

But I'm tired of writing about this and feeling stressed and angry about it. Obviously, my health and weight issues are deeply tied up with my anxiety and stress about the kids. I've been carrying around a sense of responsibility and thus guilt for a long time, even though really I have very little control over the situation and probably shouldn't be shouldering as much as I have. I'm finally feeling a free - or at least freer - to release some of that and give up this notion that I have to compensate for Emily's warped vision so that I make sure the kids still like me. If they can like Emily, they can like me - she's pretty awful, after all. And even if they don't.... well, maybe that's just how it has to be. But I was just hearing again recently about the study they did on the number of friends any one person can actually keep track of, and how those communities tend to be pretty small, around 150 people. I've spent too much time over the last couple years worrying about trying to please people that I don't particularly like or respect - whether they're ex-wives or editors and bloggers online - and it's a waste of my 150 people to put so much effort into that. I should fill my 150 quota with people who support and love me and help me to be a better person. People who drag me down and stress me out and make me feel unworthy - why spend time worrying about them?

Maybe it would be a good exercise to go through and list the people in my life I appreciate for their support and caring and inspiration, and consciously try to cultivate a "community" of friends and colleagues who affirm me in my work. Something to keep in mind, maybe.

~

I'm about done with journaling for now. It's a beautiful, sunny morning and it's supposed to get up near 50º F later this afternoon (and even warmer tomorrow), so I think I'll go for a walk a bit later. For now, sitting in front of the computer screen is giving me a bit of a headache (and hurting my wrists trying to type at the desk). That might be another reason why writing has been difficult for me lately - trying to find a comfortable way to do it. The physical discomfort of being stuck in front of a tiny screen at an uncomfortable desk can definitely wear on a person. (This is just me wanting an excuse to get a nice new desktop, I know.) It's interesting that sketching and drawing can leave me feeling so refreshed - I do wonder if it's not partly because I'm not squinting at a computer screen the whole time in order to do it. Going back to taking notes and drafting my writing pieces in an actual, physical notebook might help with this writer's block, if part of it is due to physical discomfort. We'll see, anyway.

~

This morning, after yoga, I did some meditation - a Three Realms working to connect to land, sea and sky. I prayed to Brighid and Manannan, who now appear fairly often as a pair of columns - one of fire on my right, and one of water on my left. The sense of their presence was powerful and uplifting. I feel such gratitude and joy for the presence of my gods in my life. One thing I really want to do - maybe even this morning! - is set up an altar for them somewhere. Although we're mostly unpacked, I've been putting off unpacking the box(es) of small decorative and ritual items, hoping that we'll first get the curtains up in the various rooms. But the curtains are turning out to be a pain in the ass and we haven't gotten them up yet, so the apartment is still lacking most of those personal touches and sacred items that are usually placed and arranged carefully throughout the space. I want to get to that soon, though.

I also want to spend some time outdoors meditating and connecting more directly to the land. But despite what we were promised, it's been rather ridiculously cold (okay, hovering around freezing, which compared to Pittsburgh's usual 10 - 20 º weather this time of year isn't so bad) and not conducive to spending much time outdoors. I'm still trying to do some walking and occasionally jogging, though. And hopefully the weather will be warming up soon. It's certainly been sunnier this week than the last several, anyway. Though I do also enjoy the rain (much more than snow, anyway).

Friday, March 2, 2012

Naturalist Journal for the Pacific Northwest

I've started a naturalist journal as a way of exploring and connecting more deeply to the Seattle area and the ecosystem(s) of the Pacific Northwest. I'm hoping it'll also come in handy as a way of taking notes and studying as part of my training as a volunteer/amateur naturalist for the Seattle Parks services.

In addition to my physical journal, I'm planning to use Pinterest as a kind of digital naturalist journal where I can share not only my own field notes, sketches and photography, but also images and notes that I find from online resources as supplemental material. The board that I'll be using is here (for now, I may reorganize later).

I'm drawing initially on three main books about how to go about keeping a nature journal and doing drawings and sketches outdoors in the field.

Source: amazon.com via Alison on Pinterest


Source: amazon.com via Alison on Pinterest


Source: amazon.com via Alison on Pinterest


And here are a few samples from the first few pages of my journal:

Source: flickr.com via Alison on Pinterest


Source: flickr.com via Alison on Pinterest


Source: flickr.com via Alison on Pinterest


I'll be sharing more here somewhat regularly, hopefully.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Diary - Depression

I am, as they say, in a bad way. I am not happy.

Which is not to say that I don't have moments of happiness - I do. There is still plenty of laughter and enjoyment in my life. There's an Ani DiFranco song (to quote from my personal canon) that goes:

i think i could accept all these dark colors
as just part of some bigger color scheme
if it wasn't for that drippy string quartet of sadness
underscoring each smiling scene

And that's pretty much it. Not a drippy string quartet of sadness, exactly, but the creeping tense eerie straining hum that transforms a normal shot of life as you'd expect into the quiet-before-the-storm in a horror movie. There is a constant stress underlying every moment, and I am sick to death of all of it.

~~~


Part of it is Emily. She is hellish. I am continually astounded by how awful she is, how heartless and cruel and manipulative, how intent she is on punishing Jeff for moving away. It would be enough if she would just content herself with legal machinations to keep him from seeing the kids, or even from being able to Skype them regularly (both of which she's doing to the best of her ability). But on top of that, she sends emails that are obviously and explicitly meant to suggest that somehow it is Jeff's fault, that he should feel guilty because she is incapable of organizing her life or controlling her schedule, that someone his refusal to capitulate to her every whim is a failure on his part. She says she's "very surprised" that he hasn't called the kids in the past week, but then when he tries to arrange for time to talk to them she says their schedules are just too busy and the most she can do is a regimented hour-long conversation during which she sets a timer to allow each of them only fifteen minutes. That she doesn't even have the competency or control to actually enforce these idiotic plans just makes it worse! We have to deal with her constant self-justifications and cruelty towards Jeff while all along knowing that she has very little control over her own life. She is utterly unreliable even when it comes to her own stupid demands. I almost wish she would enforce such a regiment - since it's much more likely that she will instead fall into a habit of signing onto Skype later and later, finding excuses why she can't stick to the pre-arranged schedule, until we'll end up with a situation like when she first agreed to bring the kids over on Saturday mornings, and soon began to sleep in and not get them to us until lunch time. At that point, Jeff just had to start driving out to pick them up himself. With a Skype call, that's just not an option, there is no way he can compensate for her failure. Her weakness and learned helplessness just makes the times when she lashes out all the more frustrating, because you know that it is from her own weakness and incompetency that she draws on that secret fear that she projects towards everyone else. She does not know how to be a functional human being. The only way she knows how to get her way is to become a dead weight that everyone else must carry, a dead weight spewing insane accusations and guilt like a vile phlegm that covers everything.

I am so tired of carrying that dead weight around. Jeff and I want the best for the kids, but we also want the best for us. I want him to be the good, loving, involved father that he so wants to be and that he always has been - but I can't see any way of staying involved with the kids lives without also being forced to have dealings with their parasitic, selfish, manipulative mother. There is no reason why being a father should be a miserable duty that precludes personal happiness. There is no reason why being a stepmother has to be that way, either. I am not upset that it is hard - I knew it would be difficult, as learning how to adapt to and handle complex family relationships always are. But I'm angry and frustrated that there seems to be absolutely nothing we can do to stay in touch with the kids that Emily won't use as a means to abuse and punish Jeff. She is, in the most literal sense of the metaphor, like a fucking antiChrist. Instead of a loving, merciful bridge to the divine Father, she is the vindictive, hateful gulf that we have to cross as our only way of connecting with the kids. Having to go through her is almost worse than not being able to see the kids at all. The whole relationship gets twisted and warped, bent to her selfishness, dragged down by the gravity of her dead weight.

And I'm angry - at myself, and at Jeff and me together - for not being strong enough to do something about it. I'm angry that we even have to deal with this at all, that we don't have the financial resources to fight it, that the lawyers we hired to be on our side just drained us of all our money but accomplished exactly nothing for us except wasting our time. I'm angry that there seems to be no good solution, that a single dead-weight woman could so effectively ruin Jeff's relationship with his kids, that we can't just scream her into submission and make her see just how terrible a person she is. But she probably knows, in any case. I can't imagine all this guilt-tripping and manipulation is because she actually likes herself.

I don't want to indulge in the part of me that is angry and wants nothing more to be violent towards her, to reduce her to dust and sniveling worms. I'm not going to deny that part of me, but I know that it won't do any good. I suppose part of me wants the power to do such a thing simply because it would give me the opportunity to be merciful. I want so much for us to be the better people - but what is that, what would that mean in this case? I can't see how it's right for us to accept all of her conditions and demands and then allow her incompetence to slowly erode away our time with the kids and our relationship with them. How will that help anyone? But then, fighting the good fight, leaving us miserable, frustrated, exhausted in every sense of the word, staining our relationship with the kids with the constant strain and stress of it all? How is that any good? What is the good thing to do here, the merciful thing? How can you be merciful and kind to a parasite, someone who has made herself a parasite by her own choice because she is too afraid and weak to be anything else? And how do you protect the kids and their dream of family? How do you salvage that ideal and preserve the heart of it, to sustain their hope and optimism in a scenario like this? How can you come out and tell them everything their mother is doing out of her own selfishness and smallness, without destroying the mother archetype for them, or the father archetype for that matter? (On the other hand, how could it be any worse than the way Emily is warping and twisting that archetype into one of supremely powerful helplessness, the manipulative passivity that she models for them on a daily basis?)

~~~


When you are out of options about how to move forward on the mundane plane, that's when you turn to magic. Rereading Dion Fortune's novel Moon Magic recently, that's what I was reminded of. Work things out on what she calls the "Inner Plane" - work things out on the level of imagination, thought, intention, will, inspiration, the place where we connect most directly and most deeply with the gods and with Spirit and with the Song of the World - and they will work themselves out on the physical level. I always believed that love will work its own way out. I want to believe that. But I am at a loss as to what to do magically to help this situation. I'm not sure what kind of work can be done. Calling on Emily's higher self or whathaveyou.... Doing some kind of banishing or binding..... I don't know what work needs to be done. I'm unclear about where the problem lies, and unclear about our intentions and how we can or should shape them.

I don't know what work needs to be done on myself, either, for that matter. To make me stronger, calmer, better able to handle the strain of this work. I want to believe this is like the crucible where I am being melted down to be refined, shaped into a sharper instrument, a better vessel for Spirit. But instead, it just feels like a coffin, a tomb, with the pressure of earth - all the material weight of the world and its fucked up practicality - bearing down on me so that I can hardly breathe. I need to find a creative way to overcome this, to push through this. Or maybe not push, even, but simply to get through it somehow.

I've been doing a lot of crying recently. Weirdly, that seems to help. Just allowing myself to grieve over this situation - the whole situation - and its injustice and cruelty and frustration. I feel blocked creatively, it's been so long since I had that Fire in the Head, that spark of inspiration. I sit down to write, and nothing comes but the same dull old rote, the same superficial rot that everyone writes. I have nothing to say. I am in no position to say anything at all. I'm broken down into silence and sorrow.

Anne Lamott says there are only two prayers really that we say in our heart of hearts: Help me! Help me! Help me! and Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

It feels like so long since I was able to pray with gratitude - all my prayers are just the grunts and groans of the beast of burden trudging along beneath the yoke, asking for some leniency, for a rest, for a burst of energy to get me through, for a better way. I am not happy, I am just surviving, getting by. I worry about myself - that I might be in the midst of a depression. I know I've been here before, when I just can't see the end to the work and the work itself seems pointless and not any good or help to anyone, and all I want is to die. Not literally, but to die to this old, feeble self that isn't any good for the task at hand. To find some release from the blockage, to become some slip of a thing, a ghost that can pass through to a new place.

But then I get angry that I am always having to die, that this is such a never-ending process of being remade, that I should always have to be facing some new obstacle or problem instead of settling down into a stable, steady life of happy productivity and contentment. I resent that there should always be this pressure on me, that I should always be expected to use all my strength. What if I want to put my strength towards some purpose that I choose, pursue something that I love or want. It feels as though I didn't choose this, though I guess there is the argument that actually I did, at least at some level. That I might be the one putting the pressure on myself, and that it might go away if only I would just stop.... just makes me angrier. I don't know how to simply stop, especially when there seems to be no good solution and passivity just seems likely to make things worse. I feel chained down, and yet there's that part of me that wonders - that worries - that the chains are as thin as a spider's silk that I could break in a heart beat if I wanted to.... so why don't I? I know about freedom - and the very moment when you realize you are free is the same moment you see that you have been free all along - so why don't I feel free? What level of consciousness am I pushing towards, here? And why isn't it enough to just stay where I am? I do not believe in this eternal progression or working towards salvation - so what exactly is the point of all this pointless struggling?

~~~


Last night, I was up until at least midnight. Jeff was snoring, so he slept in the den, and I spent a good deal of time crying and praying and blowing my nose and watching the cat adjust and readjust himself in the next of blankets at my feet. I prayed to Brigid and Manannan, asking for their help and guidance, asking them what I should do.

And the thing is, simply crying, allowing myself to sob, I sank deeper even than the constant strain of stress and frustration that has been weaving through my life these days - and there, underneath, was still that inexplicable and strange pulse of fierce joy. Somehow, even that deep, there was fierce joy. How could there be joy there, and if it is there, why can't I bring it through, bring it up to manifest in my everyday life and the lives of those I love? Why should such a fierce joy wallow like a dark puddle at the very bottom of a dank and collapsing well - why shouldn't it rise with all its power and strength to overwhelm the stupidity and stress of the every day and open the way, like a surging wave or wellspring or an all-consuming fire? Why should I have to sink so low to dip my hands into a small and muddy pool? It is not fair! Why shouldn't love and joy rise up to wash everything clean and clear away the debris? Why shouldn't it break up this heavy fog of confusion and pressure with sunlight burning off the mist of morning? I know it's there! What keeps it from rising up to manifest?

Is it me? Am I keeping it down? How could I be responsible for that, when I feel so helpless and impotent so much of the time? When I've been working so hard to clear the way and nothing seems to help? This fierce joy that lies like a vast ocean beneath and in all things - how could I be enough to block it, and why would I? I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do, or how I'm supposed to do it. I don't know what will help, and what will hinder. I don't know how to stop being a blockage and become a better vessel.

That's what I want to know.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

DOTR Initiation - Questions & Answers

1. How do you affirm that we are a community of Druids walking personal paths, and your desire to be one of us?

The Druid Order of the Three Realms embraces concepts like integrity, respect, community, service and interdependence - all values that have been deeply embedded in my own spiritual path even before I learned to call it by the name of Druidry. The encouragement and support I've received from DOTR members, and from my mentor B— in particular, during my year as a DOTR Aspirant have been invaluable to me as I've worked to refine and expand my Druid practice beyond what I've learned as a member of OBOD and AODA in the past.

The Druid Order of the Three Realms also embodies a balance of community engagement and personal exploration in a nonhierarchical way that moves beyond the usual organizational models of modern Revival Druidry based on the old social fraternities, and I find myself very much in tune with this new approach that remains open to the changing reality for religious institutions in a (post-)postmodern world. I would be honored and proud to count myself a member of the Order, and I look forward to be an active and contributing member in the future!


2. How do you affirm a vital relationship with the Earth, our mother?

In my daily life I adopt a handful of "green"/eco-friendly practices, including a vegetarian diet of largely organic, locally-grown foods (recently promoted by the UN as the most effective lifestyle change a person can make to help reduce their impact on the planet). I also strive whenever possible to avoid using plastics and to reduce my energy consumption; my husband and I also started a composting program for our old apartment building (and happily, the apartment complex we're moving into in Seattle has a composting program already in place!).

I'm the founder, project manager and a contributing writer for the Pagan Newswire Collective blog project, No Unsacred Place: Earth and Nature in Pagan Traditions, where I coordinate essays, articles and news pieces promoting ecological awareness and environmentalism among Pagans and exploring the many ways that Druids, Witches and Pagans embrace nature spirituality in their diverse traditions. I also contribute to Aontacht Magazine as their new Wild Earth feature editor, and as a writer and blogger I share my experiences and contemplations about our sacred relationship with the Earth on my blog through poems, stories and personal reflections.

In my personal spiritual practice, relationship with the Earth and the natural local landscape holds a place of primary importance. While living in Pittsburgh, I made hillwalking in the nearby wooded nature preserve a regular part of my practice and often held personal rituals and meditations out doors (in all kinds of weather!). My altar and household shrines reflected the changing seasons of the local landscape and honored the plants, animals and other inhabitants sharing the land with me.

Now, moving to Seattle, I hope to continue making time outside connecting with the natural world a central part of my spiritual life. I've applied to volunteer with the local parks service as an amateur naturalist, for which I'll receive seasonal training about the ecology of the local bioregion(s) and then be able to pass on that learning to others through public and student-oriented educational programs and guided explorations of the many urban green spaces in the city. I might also have the chance to adopt a few acres of a nearby park as part of the forest restoration effort.


3. How do you celebrate the Sun and its sacred days both alone and together in the grove?

My husband, Jeff, and I have been celebrating each of the eight holy days (the four solar festivals and four Celtic fire festivals) together for the past few years, and we're often able to include Jeff's kids in the celebrations as well. Our celebrations are usually very simple, and include making offerings to the three realms of land, sea and sky, as well as singing songs and telling stories that resonate with the spiritual significance of the time of year. Usually for the summer and winter solstices, we rise before dawn and make our way to the local park where we climb the highest hill and greet the sun as it rises above the horizon (the kids' favorite song to sing on these occasions is They Might Be Giants' "Why Does the Sun Shine?"). This past year, Jeff and I planned our wedding to coincide with the autumnal equinox, in celebration of our relationship of balance between masculine and feminine, light and dark, day and night, activity and receptivity and the many other sacred dualities that go into forming a sacred marriage. (We were also very lucky to be able to include our families and friends in our Druid ceremony on the beach, on the threshold of the three realms, for which we feel especially blessed.)

On certain occasions, I will also hold personal observances of the holidays in a more formal ritual fashion (Jeff is not as keen on ritual). For these rituals, I usually build off of the DOTR outline and incorporate my own chants, prayers and meditative trance-work. This is the closest I'm able to come to participating in DOTR grove rituals as a long-distance member, but I hope that someday down the road I might be able to find others in the local area who want to work within the DOTR ritual model and hold in-person rituals together, too.


4. How do you hear the call to the inner life, and how are you weaving a wisdom that is both personal and communal?

It is mostly through my writing and my poetry that I engage with my inner life and explore the work of soul and spirit in their many different forms, but I also use meditation, trance-work and dreams to connect to this inner realm. Besides the DOTR Three Realms Working, I've developed a daily meditation of my own (Peace of the Three Realms) based on the Druid Prayer for Peace, that helps me to align with the energies of land, sea and sky as well as with the Druidic elements of nwyfre, gwyar and calas, and I've also begun to explore (although only a little) working with the Three Cauldrons from Celtic tradition. Through trance-work, I explore my inner landscapes with the guidance of Badger, my primary spirit/animal guide; and in dream, I seem practically unable to avoid bumping into Manannan every once in a while!

I also use divination to connect with my gods as well as my intuition/soul/subconscious (whatever you want to call it!). Mostly this is through tarot cards and occasionally other oracle card decks, but I plan to embark on a more serious study of the ogham as soon as I'm settled in Seattle!

I've also been studying astrology, and particularly the psychological approach to astrology best exemplified in the work of astrologers like Liz Greene and Stephen Arroyo, for the past year, complimented by a deeper exploration of Jungian archetypes and mythological patterns found in the works of Joseph Campbell and Mircea Eliade. This work has afforded me a great deal of insight into my own psyche and the patterns that underlie some of my approaches to life, the world and other people. I'm looking forward to exploring ways that I can utilize this insight and the framework established by astrological study to serve my community by understanding better what unique gifts I have to offer and maybe even by providing astrological counseling for others at some point. (I've started offering to do free natal chart readings online and have already had about two dozen clients!)


5. What special work have you taken on, for yourself, for others, for our community?

As I mentioned above, I've been exploring the possibility of providing astrological counseling as a service to the community in the near future. I've also worked as a writer and editor to help create opportunities for discussion and exploration in the Pagan community through articles, essays and blog posts focusing on our relationship with the Earth. On a few occasions, I've helped draft rituals or liturgies as a part of an online group celebrating together (these have mostly been through my work as a Flamekeeper with a Brighidine Cill, exploring Brighid's role as a solar and stellar goddess).

To be honest, since most of this work has been online in one way or another, I've sometimes struggled over the past year to remember to make any special spiritual/religious work a priority for myself as well as for others. It's been a challenge to take time to devote to my personal spiritual life and seek out work that benefits me even if it doesn't seem to have any greater benefits for the communities I belong to. I want to strive to do better at this in the future, to nurture the wellspring of my own personal spirituality as well as continue to be committed to my community/public work.


6. How do you find balance in the three: the sky, the earth and the sea? How are the Three Realms becoming a way of life for you?

The dynamic balance and relationship of the Three Realms informs my spirituality at the deepest level, and provides a flexible, adaptive context for all of my spiritual work. I begin every ritual or meditation session by attuning to the energies of the Three Realms and honoring the deities, the ancestors and the spirits of the land.

At times, my view of the Three Realms is of them as overlapping spheres: below, above and sacred center (or axis mundi), or the immanent, transcendent and the manifest worlds - which roughly correspond to sea, sky and land. At other times, particularly when I'm outside in natural landscapes performing rituals or sitting in meditation, I connect with the Three Realms much more immediately as the very real spaces that make up the local landscape - the winds, weather, sun and stars of the physical sky, the rolling hills and dense forests of the physical land, and the murmuring waves and rocking tides of the physical sea and the waters that run through the earth in rivers and streams. I try to hold these two understandings of the Three Realms - the literal and the theological - together as a kind of sacred paradox, instead of reducing one to the other. So I see in the sky the transcendent theological realm of the gods, and in the sea the immanent sacred waters of life of which all things are made... but I also see the physical sky and sea, too, in all their complexity and overlapping, interconnected relationship.

The expression of the Three Realms through the three Druidic elements of nwyfre, gwyar and calas has also given me a way of understanding the different processes and energies in the world and how they balance, interact with and give rise to each other. I understand nwyfre as force, energy and source; gwyar as flow, change and relationship; and calas as form, manifestation and natural limitation or boundaries. I see these as different from the traditional/classic four elements of earth, air, fire and water. While these four are more like "building blocks," the stuff that all things are made up of, the three Druidic elements of nwyfre, gwyar and calas are more like aspects or principles describing the basic, essentials ways that the four elements express and interact. The metaphor I've used before (and the best I've been able to come up with so far) is that the four classic elements of earth, air, fire and water are like the notes of a scale, and the elements of nwyfre, gwyar and calas describe the shape, progression and process of joining these individual notes into a melody.


7. Can you say that this path of the Druid is your path and that you wish to take it up as your practice for your life in this world?

Yes! Most definitely, whole-heartedly, a thousand times yes!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

More on Reconstructionism as a Religious Methodology

Seren,

Thanks for your response! I was hoping someone with more "insider insight" would jump into the conversation. :) A lot of what you say makes sense and helps to put my impression of CR as an outsider to the community into some perspective. I think perhaps it's the lack of books written by CRs about what CRs "actually do," as you point out, that can sometimes leave those of us not immediately part of that community with the impression that a lot of CR is all talk and little actual living practice. (There's no reason why CR has to prove itself or make its practices available to people outside of the community, of course! I'm just saying that I wonder if that's one of the places where the confusion arises.)

I'm also interested in what the general principles for the CR approach are, exactly, and if there's somewhere where these are actually outlined and explored in detail. In the CR FAQ there are references here and there (usually when answering questions about who does or does not count as CR) to a community with a shared set of principles.... but I haven't been able to find a place where those principles are actually explained and clarified. You yourself mention how Rua's book "doesn't represent CR, and at times represents concepts and ideas that are antithetical to it." I haven't read the book, so it might be hard to answer this question: but I wonder if you'd be able to actually say what those concepts or ideas are that are antithetical to CR? Is it the methodology he uses, or the conclusions he comes to, or both?

The Fomorian issue is a good one of what I was talking about when I said that some of the criticisms seem to be theological rather than historical in nature. My own academic background is in comparative religious studies, and I've done field work that involved observation and interviews with people in various religious communities, as well as primary and secondary source research of historical traditions (for instance, I worked as a research assistant for a time with a professor studying the propagandist literature produced in Germany during the Protestant Reformation). In my experience in the field of comparative religious studies (and this may be different from the more historical/archeological approach), it is notoriously difficult to extrapolate theological concepts from cultural artifacts alone. Your review of Rua's book (thanks for the link!) goes into a bit more detail about why you think some of his conclusions are wrong and what evidence he doesn't take into account that you think he should have.... but it still seems to me that the question about whether or not the Fomorians are "evil"/adversarial or not is a theological question, and not something that can be definitively settled purely through academic examination of the remaining historical evidence. It may be that there were different opinions and approaches to that question even among the ancient Celts themselves. There is very often a distinction between the "official" view of a tradition's clergy or educated class, for instance, and that of the lay or working class, and in both cases some or even most of the evidence for these differences may be lost to time, with perhaps only the preserved "official" version or the wide-spread lay version surviving, or enough of both surviving as to leave us with only a vague and seemingly contradictory view. Sometimes the very same cultural artifacts (like sacred texts, ritual objects, designated sacred temples or spaces, etc.) were interpreted in vastly different ways by different members of the same religious community. And this makes drawing conclusions about the specific theologies of religious communities that are no longer accessible or able to speak for themselves often extremely difficult.

I'm inclined to agree with the idea that viewing the Fomorians as "evil" is a simplified and probably inaccurate view.... but that's in part because of my own contemporary liberal tendencies towards inclusivity and tolerance (you could even accuse me of being a bit P.C.) that makes the concept of "evil" in general distasteful and not very creditable to me. I'm completely willing to admit that I have no way of definitively proving if my ancestors held that same view, and they very well may not have. It is possible, after all, that even without taking all of the evidence into account, Rua may have inadvertently come to the correct conclusion. My impression is that the legacy of modern historical research is actually full of that kind of thing happening, while historians with very sound methodology can still end up with the conclusions that were in retrospect wrong or biased in some way.

Which again brings me back to the question of what exactly are the shared principles or approaches that CR uses? I've read through the CR FAQ and nothing there is all that different from the approach that I take - but clearly, I find my own balance of scholarly research, community feedback and personal interpretive and experiential engagement. (I am definitely not just haphazardly throwing together whatever bits and pieces I happen to like, which seems to be CR's biggest beef with non-reconstructionist folks.) To what extent, in your experience, does the CR criticism of non-CR approaches depend more on the conclusions that are reached than on the actual method of reaching them? I'm not so much saying that CR seems restrictive - but that it seems [i]selective[/i] in a very specific way. And I'm interested in what actually guides or informs that specific way of being selective.

(One example, for instance, is the very idea that the starting point is the question, "how did they [our ancestors] do it?" [i]Why[/i] is that the starting point? What assumptions about the the concept of authenticity itself underlie the belief that ancient cultural traditions are more authentic than modern ones, or that academic scholarship is more authentic than UPG? You have to start somewhere, sure, but I'm really curious about the reasons for starting there in particular. My guess is that trying to thoroughly answer that question will give more insight into the more subtle, less conscious ways in which CRs balance methodology, UPG and community-identity.)

Again, sorry this is so long! Thanks for indulging me with all my questions! :)


Sunflower,

Thanks for these links! I've now spent a good hour reading through a bunch of these old threads - with the result that I feel like maybe I'm being a bit redundant. ;) A lot of the points that Catja brings up really hit the nail on the head as far as what I'm trying to get at. I'm not at all a professional scholar like she is, but my experience in academia pretty much jives with her experience: that (a) modern scholarship thrives on "the gaps" which open up new possibilities for exploration and study, (b) a working, living religion will inevitably have to make certain leaps in order to overcome such gaps, and so (c) modern research is not the same process as reconstructing a religion, and you're going to run into contradictions and conflicts if you try to make them the same. Since my academic background is actually in the comparative study of religions, I tend to like to poke at "the gap" represented by point (c) in CR and other Recon communities because the scholar in me is like, "Oooh! Unexamined assumptions that guide the evolution of a unique religious community! Fetch me my research poking stick!" Which I guess can make me seem kind of obnoxious. :-/ But really it's just because I'm really fascinated by those questions and, regardless of what my own spiritual tradition is, I really enjoy finding out what other religious communities do and why.

Seren is taking the brunt of my questions right now, unfortunately, because I tend to bombard the people who will tolerate my questioning with demands that they explain all those other people who won't. ;) But like I said, I hope I'm not being too clumsy or hurtful in my enthusiasm.




Finn,

That may well be, and I definitely didn't mean to imply that CRs don't ever have authentic relationships with deities. I guess I was just saying that, for me personally anyway, it would be a real stumbling block to have to constantly worry about how my relationship with deity measured up against the expectations of the community and the standards of academic research, especially when both of those tend to be moving targets a lot of the time. Perhaps this is actually why CRs tend to be quieter and more careful about sharing their personal practice? And maybe a few folks (like Erynn Rowan Laurie, f'ex) being a bit bolder and willing to share would help mitigate the misconception and even alleviate some of that anxiety? It's a delicate subject, and very personal, though, so....


I think you're probably right about the role that the clergy (in this case, the Druids) played in establishing and maintaining a structured religious tradition in ancient Celtic societies - though, like I mentioned to Seren above, there is almost always also some discrepancies and differences of opinion between a community's educated class and its lay/working class. My point is more that, even with the Druids acting as a class of informed tradition-keepers who built up a collective body of practice and theology (or at least, theology to the extent that they did) - this is still very different from the way modern academics approach historical/scholarly research today. Very different. Sunflower's links to Catja's stuff above says it way better than I could, though, but that's basically my point.


Darkhawk,

I think this is a really good point - and that your footnote is also right on track. I think it's also important to remember, when striving to be "scholarly" in one's approach, that actual academics go through 3 - 7+ years of additional training and education above and beyond undergrad in order to be accepted members of the academic community. Much of that additional study is learning the processes (and limits) of the academic community itself. For that reason alone, academic work is not [i]really[/i] available to absolutely everyone - there is always going to be a lot of reliance by non-academics (even in, or especially in, Recon) on what academics are able to make available to the general public in ways that can be readily and widely understood, let alone practically applied to reconstructing a religion.

But depending too much on the divine inspiration of those who have a god-phone is a big problem, you're absolutely right. It's the other extreme that you can too easily swing towards. One of the original draws for me about Paganism was that it put a good deal of emphasis on making the tools available to anyone and everyone to kind of "build your own god-phone" (to overstretch the metaphor ;)) - in other words, to give you the tools and practices to help you cultivate a direct relationship with the divine for yourself. I'm of the belief that this is something anyone can do, and that there aren't just chosen individuals who have a better connection to the divine than others.... But it is, like academic work, something that requires a certain degree of training, practice and on-going commitment. For that reason, it doesn't [i]really[/i] avoid the same problem as the scholarly approach. There is the same caveat to divine inspiration as there is for academic work - in theory it can be available to anyone, but in practice not everyone will be willing or able to make the necessary commitment.



This is one reason that I really dislike the term "UPG" and how it's used, and tend to avoid using it myself if I can. I like to refer to a person's "interpretive and experiential engagement" instead. Why? Because there is really no such thing as an entirely individualized, private "UPG." All interpretations and experiences are interpretations or experiences [i]of[/i] something - and they are always influenced in one way or another by the socio-cultural contexts of the people having the experience or making the interpretation. That is why it is an interpretive or experiential [i]engagement[/i] - a person is engaging with something else, either a deity, a landscape, a human community, a cultural symbol, or some combination of these things or any number of others. An experience or interpretation might be more or less unique to that individual, but it is never entirely and purely solitary.

So the distinction between UPG as private or solitary, and academic/scholarly work as the primary corroborative approach to developing a shared community understanding is, I think, a false one. There are many, many ways in which communities can build a shared spiritual tradition that does not rely on or borrow from the methods and processes of academia. I bristle a bit when Recons/CRs talk about UPG as though it were entirely private and solitary in distinction from the community approach of academic scholarship. To me, this seems to ignore the fact that an individual's interpretive framework of their experiences is always going to be shaped by their membership in one or more communities, and so the way they integrate and understand these moments of personal "gnosis," inspiration or imagination cannot be entirely separated from the cultural or communal contexts they belong to.

Rather, I think it's more likely that those moments designated as "UPG" just tend to be more deeply influenced by modern culture than by the ancient pre-Christian cultures that the Recons/CRs are striving to reconstruct. When a person has a sudden inspiration about how modern physics and Jungian psychology (both modern, scientifically-grounded theories)might work together to explain a dream they had recently, it's called UPG. When a person has a sudden insight into how the connection between two pieces of archeological evidence help to explain the meaning of some ancient text (which may itself have been a poem or dream recorded by some long-dead priest), it's called research. The difference is in the relative value that the Recon/CR community places on the cultural artifacts and perspectives involved.

That said, I don't have much experience with non-CR Recons, and only a little bit of experience of CR at that. But I totally agree that CRs, IMLE, tend to be the most UPG/mysticism-friendly of the Recon communities.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Authority and Relationship in CR

Part of my reply to a conversation on TC about different Celtic traditions:

I guess that's where I start to feel uncomfortable with CR. My understanding is that folks in CR approach Celtic Reconstructionism as first and foremost based upon academic/scholarly work, turning to UPG only to "fill in the gaps" that scholarship can't. This reminds me a lot of the "god of the gaps" approach to monotheism that has caused so much trouble among modern Abrahamic religions when faced with the conflicting authority of "inspired" sacred texts and scientific knowledge - except in this case, CR comes down firmly on the other side of that divide. What's ironic is that in both cases, each religious community comes down in favor of external authority. The CR approach says it is better to trust the external authority of careful and objective scholarship and research than the personal interpretive and experiential engagement that they call "UPG" - and the literalist/fundamentalist monotheists say it is better to trust the external authority of ancient sacred texts as the "word of God" than the attempts of science and scholarship as merely human (and therefore flawed) endeavors to discover truth. But in both cases, the emphasis is on finding a trustworthy external authority (the only difference is how "trustworthy" and "external" are defined).

Maybe it's my own streak of stubbornness - but I'm not keen on religions that emphasize external authority over personal relationship. I much prefer spiritual traditions that emphasize the difficult but necessary work of balancing and, when possible, reconciling the two. One consequence of the CR approach, for instance, is that while it tends to emphasize a "hard polytheism" that views the gods as real, distinct beings - it also undermines the CR practitioner's ability to engage authentically with them in the present, since he or she is expected to ignore or at least distrust any insight about or experience of them that contradicts the external authority of current academic scholarship. To me, that seems a bit like trying to be friends with someone while constantly comparing what they say and do against their high school report cards and SAT scores. Sure, that kind of information can give you insight into who they were and who they've become (and it provides an "objective," standardized measure that I guess would be helpful in catching a perpetrator of identity theft), but it seems an odd way to try to cultivate a relationship in the here and now. And what's especially weird to me is that the ancient Celts did not even have a concept of "objective scholarly research" - so the very attitude that such research should take precedence over "UPG" is pretty much by definition not part of the worldview of ancient Celtic tradition.

I think CR folks would respond (and have responded) that Celtic Reconstructionism is inherently a modern phenomenon and so obviously it will be influenced and shaped by the knowledge and culture of modern Western society. That's great, as far as it goes, but it's basically another way of saying that they feel comfortable picking and choosing the ways in which they strive to emulate ancient Celtic cultures. That's something we all have to do, in the end, if we want to have any kind of Celtic-inspired spiritual practice today. It's the unspoken, unacknowledged assumptions that underlie the process of picking and choosing that make me uncomfortable.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Shared Insights into Brighid's Stellar Aspects

Something I shared just now over on TC's LotS group:

In November 2010, a bunch of us over on the old Cauldron forum had a moment of what might be called "unverified shared gnosis" about the stellar aspects of Brighid - when our individual UPGs seemed to converge on a shared understanding that, though common among us, was not necessarily reflected in the traditional lore and mythology about Brighid.

I've been thinking more about this phenomenon recently, and how it might be part the evolution of the gods in mutual relationship with our own growing scientific and technological understanding of the natural world. I'm no expert on comparative mythology, but I don't really know of any ancient deities that were both solar and stellar in nature, or any ancient cultures that believed that the stars were actually suns like ours that were small because they were so far away (if there were any, I think they were probably pretty rare at least). Now with our scientific understanding of the relationship between our sun and the stars in the night sky, it makes sense to me that a solar/fire goddess like Brighid would have a latent stellar aspect that might be coming to the surface in light (pun intended!) of our expanding knowledge.

So I like to keep my eyes open for other examples of this emerging understanding of Brighid as a stellar goddess. And I thought here might be a good place to for all of us to share any examples that we come across.

One that I found just today, in fact, was in the book The Salmon in the Spring: The Ecology of Celtic Spirituality by Jason Kirkey. In one section, he's telling a story about a time in his life when he was "apprenticed to winter" and struggling with a certain spiritual aimlessness, when he decided to go out walking among the hills of Ireland. Lost in a thick mist, he felt the spiritual winter melting away and Brighid's warm presence prompting him to joyous laughter. As he began to make for home, he realized he'd been completely turned around and didn't know which direction to head in to get back to the harbor village where he was staying - when suddenly, despite it being three in the afternoon, a single star appeared in the mist as a guiding light. He set off in that direction, making his way down the hill - and the star grew brighter and brighter as he neared. He writes (emphasis mine):

The impossibility of the moment was weighing on me. How could there be a single star shining so bright through the mist in the afternoon? At any moment, I expected to reach the star, now a vaginal opening of light through the mist, and be born back into the world. A wind blew suddenly. The mist thinned. Briefly I glimpsed a world which was foreign to me, inhabited by streets, cars, and fishing boats. In Ireland people tell stories of glimpsing the faery people and their paradisiacal world. I felt like running back to the stones to tell them my tale of glimpsing a human world full of both beauty and confusion. My star was the sun reflecting off the harbor. So disoriented, my perception within the mist had dissolved all heights and depths within each other; externally and internally. Here there was unity between Heaven and Earth.

He describes this event as occurring in early February right around Imbolc, but of having a feel about it that reminded him strongly of a solstice, so much so that he intuitively thought of the star leading the wise men in the Christian story of Jesus' birth.

This passage struck me so strongly for a couple of reasons:

- First, only a few days ago, I led a Druidic solstice ritual for my family (husband, stepkids, parents and brother, nine of us in total) in which we honored both Jesus as a deity of the newborn sun and Brighid as a stellar goddess. In Irish folklore, St. Brigid is known as the "midwife of Christ" and during our meditation and candle-lighting ceremony I used the story of the star guiding the wise men to tie into the idea of Brighid as a stellar goddess and creatrix helping to "give birth" to our most intimate star, the sun. That only a few days later I should read a passage in a book linking Brighid the goddess not just to Imbolc but to the winter solstice through exactly the same story was pretty powerful.

- Second, the very fact that after describing his sense of Brighid's presence, Kirkey goes on to describe a profound experience of being guided by a star.... a star that, in fact, turns out to be the sun! And not just the sun, but the sun reflected in water! Ummm..... Fire In Water anyone? This experience of disorientation where distance blends "up" and "down" until they are indistinguishable and a reflection below can seem like a star from above is something I myself experienced earlier this fall while on my honeymoon - traveling through the flat desert of Utah at sunset, gazing westward it seemed to me that I was not looking up into a rose-gold sky, but looking down from a great height out onto a strange sea whose waters were illuminated by the golden light of the setting sun, with the dark shapes of clouds scattered like islands in that water. So again, there's this blending of fire and water in connection with the sun. In my case, this was just before our first night of camping out beneath the stars in a national park that's considered one of the best star-gazing sites in the country.

What's interesting is that, even though he mentions Brighid only a paragraph earlier and in the context of this same story, Kirkey doesn't himself make any explicit connection between her presence and the sudden appearance of the sun-[i]qua[/i]-star. It's not as though he's intentionally trying to make that connection with his story - but the relationship seems almost inescapably obvious considering some of the Unverified Shared Gnosis of this group.

I'd love to hear people's thoughts on this, or if anyone else has come across examples of this kind of unexpected shared gnosis in other places!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Calendar of Saturn Transits

Saturn Transits

For the full version, click below the fold.

Brighid and Otherworld Goddesses

Soliwo left a message in the Meadowsweet Commons asking a bit more about Brighid in her dark aspect, and possible connections with Persephone. Below is what I wrote in response:

Soliwo, It's good to hear from you!

And what a wonderful synchronicity that you've shared about Persephone! A couple weeks ago, I received a new DSLR camera as an early solstice present, and one of my first projects with it was experimenting in low light conditions to test the limits of its settings and sensor quality. Inspired by some of photographs I'd seen recently and an impulse purchase of a pomegranate at Whole Foods - I decided to do a series inspired by Persephone's story! I've shared the results here if you want to see them. :)

It's interesting, because I don't really have a relationship with Persephone at all. Maybe it's because of being woefully over-educated in the Greek myths when I was younger, but for me the Greek deities have that same "abstract" feeling as you describe feeling towards the Celtic gods. For a long time, I felt that abstraction about the Celtic gods, too, and it was only after shifting my perspective that I realized maybe there was a different way of approaching Celtic gods than Greek ones.... if that makes any sense. I'm still exploring, so I'm not sure I can go into detail about what that difference might be, but in my experience the Celtic deities are much more like complex, multi-faceted people with overlapping roles and relationships (and all of them very closely tied into the natural world), whereas the Greek deities seem more like personifications of cultural movements, forces or aspects (and more "civilized" or urban than wild or connected to the wilderness).

I think the gods, like ordinary people, are influenced by the cultures they belong to and the landscapes they inhabit. And like people, they can also change and adapt over time. It's good to be wary of cultural (mis)appropriation, but I wouldn't worry too much about eclecticism and syncretism. We have lots of evidence that this kind of cultural blending and exchange was going on all the time in the ancient world. Heck, half of the archeological evidence we have for the Celtic deities comes from the Romano-Celtic period when the Romans began writing things down and carving human-looking statues of gods that had once resided only in abstract designs and natural earth formations. (And the other half comes from the lingering folk traditions and reinterpretations of Celtic Christianity!) In my experience, striving too hard for some kind of purity in adhering to the "original" beliefs and practices of our ancestors can be unhelpful and even stifling for our spiritual relationships.

So I guess part of my advice at this point - if you're looking for advice! - would be to explore widely and pay attention to how you feel when you're trying to connect with the gods. You're bringing your own modern cultural assumptions and patterns to whatever relationship you have with them, and they have their own cultural foundations as well. How those cultural patterns interact will shape your relationship with them. And some of it will be on an intuitive or subconscious level. When I first started studying Celtic mythology and culture, I felt like I was drowning in a sea of unfamiliar, unpronounceable names and nonsensical stories. It felt like I was dialing an old phone number given to me by a friend of a friend, and only getting the dial tone of a disconnected line. But I kept reading and exploring, and letting my subconscious work its way through all the information and start making those connections. I paid close attention to when I felt closest to the gods, and could see how important ritual and physical interactions were for me. (F'ex, physically cutting into and handling a pomegranate down in the dank atmosphere of the basement brought home to me the personality of Persephone more than any story about her I'd ever heard.) After years of that kind of exploration, slowly the Celtic culture began to feel more and more like a natural place to be. Instead of drowning in unfamiliar waters, I was swimming like a fish! :) That's when the gods stopped being abstractions for me - though there are still times when I feel distant or disconnected from them.

So.... you asked about Brighid as a possible Underworld goddess. This is one of those times when the answer is a bit complicated because Greek and Celtic cultures are different. The Celts didn't exactly have an idea of an "Underworld" in the same way the Greeks did. For one thing, the Celts believed firmly in reincarnation - either into this same world, or into a paradisiacal otherworld often referred to as a Land of Summer, Land of Youth or Island of Apples. There were gods associated with this Summerland, but the ones I know of are male (for instance, Manannan mac Lir, god of the sea). Also, the Celts didn't just have one Otherworld, though you can generally refer to all of the other worlds collectively by the singular term. The Otherworld for the Celts wasn't above (like a heaven) or below (like an Underworld) but right here, just on the other side of our reality, separated only by a thin veil or mist. It was the realm of the Sidhe or the Faery folk - but who they are is also a complicated thing: some think of them as gods, some as the beloved dead, some as (fallen) angels (a Celtic Christian concept). My impression is that the Celts weren't very keen on clear-cut hierarchies, so trying to delineate deities from Sidhe from the dead isn't always easy.

Okay, so - could Brighid be associated with the Underworld/Otherworld? Yes and no. She is definitely a goddess of the threshold and the liminal spaces, like you said, and she has that connection (through marriage to Bres) with the "darker" forces of chaos and wilderness. As a member of the Tuatha de Danann, she is also one of those who withdrew into the Sidhe (burial) mounds when the Milesians came and conquered Ireland. On the other hand, she has tended to be associated more with the light, order and structures of culture and civilization (for instance, through her ties to poetry, healing and smithcraft, which all held important cultural significance in Celtic society), rather than with the wilder, darker aspects of death and dying. In my relationship with her, even in her darker aspect she has a deep connection with the stars, points of light in the darkness that give guidance and direction, and that spin through the emptiness of space in a fairly orderly fashion. ;) So I think that Brighid could definitely help you work with Underworld/Otherworld relationships and aspects of your spirituality - but she'll bring a particular perspective and energy to that work that will be different from Persephone or some of the other Celtic deities. Does that make sense?

If you want to explore some Celtic gods and goddesses that might have more obvious ties to the Underworld/Otherworld, there are a couple I can recommend.

- Caer Ibormeith. She is a Sidhe who transforms from a
maiden into a swan every other Samhain and back again on the next. The swan - as a water fowl - has connections to the three realms of land, sea and sky and is thus considered a particularly powerful Otherworld animal who can pass between the worlds. Caer Ibormeith's name means "yew berry." The yew tree has many associations with death and resurrection, and the seed of the yew berry is poisonous to human beings (another connection between death (poison) and new life (the seed)). Samhain, obviously, has connections with death and the beloved dead, and as a Sidhe Caer Ibormeith occupies that ambiguous place between the gods and the dead. I worked with her for a while several years ago, and through my relationship with her eventually came to my relationship with Brighid. (Some of the shared UPG of some folks I've talked with online point to the possibility that the swan is also a sacred animal of Brighid's, and so Caer Ibormeith and Brighid might share a closer relationship or even be two aspects of a single goddess.)

- Rhiannon. In Welsh mythology, Rhiannon is a Sidhe Queen who marries Pwyll (and later, after Pwyll's death, remarries with Manawydan fab Llyr, the Welsh deity who is similar to and/or the same as Manannan mac Lir). Before meeting Rhiannon, Pwyll has his own adventures, including switching places with Arawn, the King of Annwn, in order to defeat Arawn's enemy. Annwn is the closest you'll probably get in Welsh mythology to the concept of an Underworld - it is characterized as a land of the dead, though a paradisiacal one of eternal summer and youth. By switching places with Arawn and defeating his enemy, Pwyll earns the title "King of Annwn" for himself. One of his trials during this adventure is to resist the seduction of Arawn's wife (who mistakenly believes Pwyll is Arawn) - there is some suggestion in the mythology that Rhiannon is actually this same Sidhe Queen who was married to Arawn, though it's not clear. In either case, when she weds Pwyll, Rhiannon is effectively marrying the King of the Dead, as well as having connections to the Otherworld in her own right through her lineage as a Sidhe. Later as a widow, she marries Manawydan who is the only one to return from a war with the Irish - Manawydan, like his Irish counterpart Manannan, also has ties to the Land of Eternal Youth and so can also be thought of as an Otherworld "King of the Dead" type of figure. Rhiannon herself also has connections to death and rebirth/renewal, f'ex in the story of how her son is stolen from her as a baby and she is framed for his death.


I mention both of these because I've worked with both of them (though not as closely as with Brighid), and they both seem to me to have that same kind of quality as Persephone - being maidens or queens who are in relationship with "the dark" and death, but who are also able to cross the thresholds between the worlds. If you want to know more about Caer Ibormeith, I've written a short story inspired by her, and you might also want to explore a bit into the story of Aengus Og and his relationship with her. For Rhiannon, you might really enjoy reading the novel by Evangeline Walton based on the Welsh myth: it's called Prince of Annwn and it's the first book of her quartet based on the Mabinogion.

I hope some of this has been helpful and isn't too overwhelming! Make sure to come back and let me know how you're doing and what you're exploring - I'd love to hear!

Monday, December 12, 2011

Pomegranate Still Life

Inspired by some of the photographs shared to the Pagan Newswire Collective's Flickr page — and the fact that I just got a new DSLR camera and I wanted to test its limits with low lighting and such — I did a series of still life photographs inspired by the story of Persephone. Here are some of them:

Pomegranate and Candle


Pomegranate and Candlelight


Pomegranate by Candlelight


Pomegranate by Candlelight


Pomegranate by Candlelight


Pomegranate by Candlelight


Pomegranate by Candlelight


Pomegranate by Candlelight


Broken Open


Six Seeds