Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:33am - 4:53pm
Moon: waxing crescent, pisces (water/mutable)
Earth: sunny all day, no snowfall, warmer than it has been, high near 50

Thoughts: spent lot of time (too much time) today bothering about Emily - not worrying or even feeling angry, so much as going over the details of the situation, first with Jeff again this morning and then with my mother; wondering a bit why I can't seem to get into the "holiday spirit" this year, but not too bothered by it

Actions: composed a letter to Emily (which I have not sent, yet); spent much of the day working on a craft project as a test to see how difficult it would be to do with the kids; emailed my parents about Christmas gifts and then called my mom to talk about various issues regarding shipping/delivery, etc.; otherwise, mostly hung out with the kids

Connections: I find I'm feeling rather irritated; Jeff seems exhausted though I'm not sure why he's more tired than any usual Saturday, but when he gets like this it's like pulling teeth to get any response from him or any commitment one way or another; I also find I spent much of the day feeling annoyed by Josh, who is clearly testing limits and deliberately doing things after I ask him not to - which is fine, but I have no patience for that and he's not going to goad me into anger... I'm more likely to just stop dealing with him altogether; but I do wish we understood what his behavioral issues stem from so we could get him to stop being so obnoxious and rude

Daily Tarot Card: The King of Cups is wise, calm and infinitely patient. Deeply in touch with the waters of intuition and emotion, he is able to sense which way the currents are moving. He is a caring protector of his domain, and though he may not always appear active or organized to the outside perspective, his tolerance and understanding of others guides him well to make the choices that will cleanse the heart and keep the ways of communication open and clear. (My note: I sense from this card a bit of chastisement for not appreciating Jeff more, and perhaps the advice to defer to his wisdom, especially in the matters of Emily and Josh. On my part, I will need to find the patience to give him the time he needs to "tap into" that part of him that harbors his deeper wisdom, and perhaps take on a role of protector, too, to guard the space he may need to seek it.)

Meditations on Brigid: Goddess of Healing

Brigid, Goddess of Healing, I trust you completely in hoping you will forgive me for my fatigue tonight and my wish to retire to bed early. For now — what aspect of yourself do you wish to reveal to me for further contemplation and exploration during my dreams and in my waking hours this weekend?

Justice (XI): A symbol of balance, equilibrium and harmony, the scales balanced, the connections interweaving the inner and outer worlds, the conscious with the unconscious, are laid open to be weighed and reckoned. The sword of discernment and honest, objective analysis allows us to see ourselves in the light of truth, revealing our failures and flaws and enabling us to compensate for them, balance them (or perhaps seek forgiveness for them). The patterns of interconnection and choice lead us to this point, this moment of truth, when we see in the full light of day how our past actions have led to our current situation, and how these actions ripple outward to affect others.

Justice rests not in guilt and punishment, but in the true of relationship and balance. In this way, it becomes an expression of healing and harmony, the redress of wrongs to restore right relationship. Truth reveals the patterns of things, and critical analysis and a willingness to see ourselves from others' perspectives open to us the potential to heal old wounds and soften the scars of misunderstanding or poor judgement. Physical health, too, demands a kind of dispassionate justice towards our bodies, treating them with respect and care, seeking a harmonious and balanced relationship with the physical world not solely ruled by our cravings and desires.

Praise to you, Brigid, Goddess of Healing and Harmony, wise sword-bearer, blade sharpened with the breath of your truth and insight, cutting away the bonds of disease and imbalance that restrict and unbalance us. My gratitude for your beautiful, loving presence in my life.

Awen.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:32am - 4:53pm
Moon: waxing crescent, aquarius (air/fixed)
Earth: cold all day, though slightly warmer than it has been, light fluffy snow falling

Thoughts: thinking about deity identity and the nature of group conflict and group coherence; thinking about good storytelling and the nature of good narrative; worried a little bit about Emily, considering we never did confront her about her threatening to keep Jeff from seeing the kids, and wondering if we're going to sit down and talk to the kids at some point this weekend about the wedding or not, or maybe put it off until next week

Actions: plugging away at work (received my first official paycheck today!); took some time in the middle of the day to go see "Voyage of the Dawn Treader" with Jeff; had a wonderful dinner and watches "Bones" and "The Office" tonight, both excellent episodes; posted to Wedding on the Edge; posted several times to the Lady of the Stars group and very much enjoying that group despite some of the tension over the past couple days

Connections: I hope work isn't making my brain duller, as I have to commit four to five hours four days a week to emptying the mind and just plugging away at the task; or perhaps this will be good for me, give my analytical mind a rest for a while and let things slip back into perspective; I have been more cheerful the past few days - looks like regular meditation and yoga is helping, especially switching the diary entries to the evening while still doing the meditation in the morning

Daily Tarot Card: The Knight of Pentacles has the patience and determination to commit to a particular goal and follow through, undaunted by distractions and temptations and served well by his cautious nature. He makes gradual but important progress; his motto could almost be "slow and steady wins the race." Undeterred by obstacles, his passion expresses itself in perseverance, unwavering devotion and loyalty and a work ethic that is unmatched in its diligence and concentration, though he may also sometimes seem to lack creativity or initiative. These more energetic traits are not what distinguish the Knight of Pentacles, but a willingness to plod along doing the hard and often unglamorous work that needs to be done in order to ensure success.

Meditations on Brigid: Goddess of Transformation

Brigid, Goddess of Transformation,
please reveal an aspect of yourself to me
that I might come to know you better.

Creation: The Hermit (IX): "His star-lantern marks the path..." The Hermit journeys in solitude and seeking, drawn by the guiding star of intimate connection with Spirit, urged on to deepen his personal relationship with the inner worlds of night and Mystery. The journey is one of loneliness and quiet, ever-new, the path that must be walked alone for each individual as they seek the lost melodies of their soul-song. Within solitude is found the spark of inspiration, the flickering flame of the lantern that leads onwards into the dark depths.

Destruction: Five of Wands: Things fall apart, the center cannot hold, and what began in playfulness soon becomes strife, the myriad obstacles and obstructions piling up until they seem overwhelming. We may feel that nothing is stable, nothing stays, all is chaos in a noisy current threatening to carry us away as we struggle against its pull. Our energy and passion run up against the difficulties of medium and matter, the limits of navigating conflicting currents, the challenge of mastering form through skill and intention. Yet still there is playfulness in this conflict, and an awareness that difficulty can transform us as well, that we are shaped by the challenges we face and the obstacles we overcome.

Transformation: Three of Pentacles: An expression of unity and resolution away from the tension and conflict of before, by engaging the physical world of material forms we learn to work with these forms in ways that deepen our involvement in the process of creativity and transformation. The work is only just beginning and already it has changed us. No longer alone, we work in concert with the pool of materials to shape and craft new forms, including new expressions and articulations of ourselves. Through such work, spirit is expressed in and through matter, and we are uplifted by our immersion in and engagement with the physical, natural world that at first seemed to us so full of chaos and conflict.

Goddess of Transformation, you are a Queen of Culture, that ever-changing flux of collective manifestation in the history of humankind. What begins in the solitude of soul-seeking finds its way back into the relationships of the ordinary world through our commitment to that creative spark of inspiration, your star-lantern guiding us on the path, and our willingness to be destroyed and remade through our embrace of the turning currents and churning chaos of your forge.

My praise and gratitude to you, Exalted Brigid, guardian of the solitary, challenger and uniter.

Awen.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:31am - 4:53pm
Moon: waxing crescent, aquarius (air/fixed)
Earth: cold, though not as windy, mix of sun and snow all day

Thoughts: having to justify myself to readers and commenters on my blog about why requesting donations as expressions of support and appreciation for my writing doesn't make me "mercenary," while also accepting the gratitude and support being offered from others (a difficult balancing act, I do not want to tread anywhere near guilt-tripping); thinking about trolls and how detrimental they are to the atmosphere of online websites and blogs, how they can be so toxic to community coherence; otherwise, generally focused on work today (which was dull dull dull); checking in with the Lady of the Star Fire group to find an on-going conversation about deity identity which sparked some interesting dinner conversation for Jeff and me

Actions: got in a good chunk of contractor work today, though it was rather tedious and I felt somewhat unfocused; no yoga this morning, unfortunately; meditation tonight for Brigid; otherwise, plugging away, feeling good about the work

Connections: my ambivalence about blogging continues to waver back and forth, so that I'm not sure if I should be striving to help "be the change I wish to see" online, or just throw my hands up; I'm sure a balance is probably going to be the appropriate approach in the end

Daily Tarot Card: The World (XXI) is a card of connection, fulfillment and peace of mind, a weaving of the heart and mind, of intuition and action, creativity and receptivity, in ways that engage us deeply in all of the life and wonder that surrounds us in the great cycles and spirals of life, death and rebirth. We accept life as it comes, able to touch our grief and sorrows without being overwhelmed by them, able to dance and sing our joys, our passion and love without being carried away by them. This is the card of the beginning-in-the-end, the culmination and fulfillment that gives rise to new beginnings in the ever-spinning dance of the universe.

Meditations on Brigid: Creatrix, Goddess of Creativity

Brigid, Bright Creatrix,
Goddess of Creativity,
Source of All,
what message do you have for me?

Death: Not creation from nothing, but the creativity of rebirth and renewal is her nature, the cycles of destruction and creation in the wild, passionate dance of grief and joy, sorrow and love, bound together and unfolding in ever-new forms and ways. The creation of transformation, the embrace of fire that both consumes and transforms, the new is a seed within the old, hatched amidst difficulty and, yes, even fear.

The grief of the ancestors in my blood and bones, the land I walk upon, you are the Ancestor of my ancestors, the source in the stars themselves, the ringing clash of metal, hiss of steam in the darkness and star-pierced night of space. Before there was a land, there was fire and water, there was you, the forger of star-stuff, complexity building upon complexity in the furnace at the heart of the countless suns, and the scattering of star-ash across the galaxies. We arise from your burning self-sacrifice and the joy of your passion and song, your voice like harp strings humming and thrumming in tension between life and death, strung between earth and sky, taut in our hearts, our throats, our hand-weavings as we do our work. All creativity is transformation, the willingness to dance as a partner of death, to carve away and reform, re-imagine. The ember of creation is the last remnant of a slow-dying fire, smoldering warmth and with its last light giving the spark to set going a new blaze.

Praise to you, Source and Nothing, Creator and Death alike, embracing the world with a love that sustains and transforms. My gratitude for your presence in my life, Exalted Brigid.

Awen.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:30am - 4:53pm
Moon: waxing crescent, capricorn (earth/cardinal)
Earth: bitter cold but sunny all day, windy, snow falling like crystalline glitter tossed and shimmering in rays of light

Thoughts: figuring out how to deal with the heat issue; wondering about the prevalence of cups in my tarot readings recently; contemplating Brigid as Creatrix, Goddess of creation and creativity

Actions: dealing with Marty showing up relatively unannounced this morning to take a look at the furnace in the basement; meditation this morning and attempt at active imagination, but couldn't concentrate; spent all afternoon working on DOTR lesson 2, honoring the ancestors, researching the history of Lancaster and Allegheny counties and trying to think of all of the "ancestors of the spirit" who have influenced my path; posted part two of final blog post series; emailed Mike and Alta about family tree information

Connections: a "day off" in a real honest-to-goodness sense of no work, no kids and no guilt feelings over writing obligations, it felt nice to just spend the day digging deep into the ancestry research (and even then I feel that I barely scratched the surface, especially when it comes to my blood ancestors, the people I'm descended from)

Daily Tarot Card: The Eight of Pentacles represents the worker engaged in the dance and weave of the work, the activity of creativity manifesting in physical form, and the willingness to engage in the work with all of your skill, intellect and effort in order to experiment and, through the process of work itself, to discover new things. This is a card of both motivation and inspiration, a card of work coming to an end while the exploration continues and generates new ideas and skills to be turned towards new projects in the future. And always, the work is on-going and the product, in some ways, ephemeral, glistening suspended like a web on which the dew collects in tiny, shimmering stars. While we often think of the material world being the realm of the concrete and lasting forms giving expression to numinous spiritual realities, the physical realm itself is characterized by flux, change, evolution and the cycles of growth, decay and rebirth. Work always leads to work, a passionate engagement in the process itself gives its own pleasures and rewards.

DOTR Lesson 2: Honoring the Ancestors

Ancestors of My Blood

• Charlie and Diane, my parents
• my grandmothers and grandfathers, I cannot remember their names or ever meeting them except for Nana Jule, my father's mother; only my mother's mother is still alive
• my father's family comes originally from Ireland and crossed the ocean fleeing the Irish Potato Famine in the mid-1800s; they settled in central Pennsylvania, in coal country, and worked the mines there, some of them intermarrying with Welsh descendants already living in the area
• I do not know anything about my mother's family, except that she has German, Welsh, English and a bit of French blood flowing in her veins; disowned by her family shortly after I was born, we have hardly any contact with her siblings and no contact with her parents

Ancestors of the Land of My Birth
(Lancaster, Lancaster County, PA)

• Susquehannocks ("people of the muddy river"), an Iroquoian-speaking tribe also known as the Conestoga, lived along the Susquehanna River in what eventually became New York, Pennsylvania and Maryland (and possibly West Virginia); Europeans rarely came so far inland, and so they likely lived undisturbed in this area for several hundred years. Captain John Smith of Jamestown met them in 1608, when they had a sizable village near what is today Lancaster City, where I was born. Their numbers declined steadily over the next century due to disease, relocation and war. Eventually the remainder of the tribe settled in a small village called "Conestoga Town" in Lancaster County, where in 1763 the last remaining Susquehannocks were murdered by the Paxton Boys.
• Other native tribes of the area include the Shawnee, Gawanese, Lenpae and Naticokes.
• John Kennerly received the first deed to the area of Lancaster County from William Penn in 1691, but no evidence of European settlers exists in the area prior to 1710. Lancaster was named after the city of Lancaster in Lancashire, England, native home of on of the earliest settlers, John Wright.
• Surnames of some of the earliest settlers include: Caernarvon and Lampeter (Welsh); Cocalico, Conestoga and Peshtank/Paxton (Native American); Warwck, Lancaster, Martic, Sadsbury, Salisbury and Hempfield (English); Donegal, Drumore, Derry and Leacock (Irish); Manheim (German); Lebanon (Biblical); and Earl (anglicized German)
• Many Anabaptist Mennonite immigrants (ancestors of the Amish) arrived in Lancaster County during the 1720s and 1730s, accepting William Penn's offer of religious freedom and tolerance (as part of a "holy experiment"). Quakers were also early settlers of the area.
• Members of the pacifistic Moravian Church began building the town of Lititz as a planned community in 1740s.
• James Buchanan, native of Lancaster, was elected the 15th President of the United States in 1856 (and his bad policies helped bring about the Civil War).
• Immediately north of the Mason-Dixon line, Lancaster was an important stop on the Underground Railroad, as ordinary citizens helped escaping slaves make their way north to (relative) freedom and safety. Involved in one well-known incident of violence were William Parker, Noah Buley, Nelson Ford, George Ford, Joshua Hammond and Castner Hanway.

Ancestors of the Land Where I Dwell
(Pittsburgh, Allegheny County, PA)

• The county, first in Pennsylvania to be given a Native American Indian name, takes its name from the Allegheny River, the word having Lenape origin and possibly meaning "fine river."
• A place where three rivers meet, it was claimed and settled by various native tribes prior to European settlement, resulting in a multi-ethnic mixture that included Iroquois, Lenape, Shawnee and Mingo.
• The first Europeans to claim the area were the French, specifically Captain Pierre Joseph de Celeron who claimed the Ohio Valley and western Pennsylvania for Louis XV. Robert de la Salle, a French explorer and trader, was the first to "discover" in the area (in 1669).
• In an attempt to claim the area for the British, Virginians were sent in 1754 to build Fort Prince George at the conjunction of the Allegheny, Ohio and Monongahela Rivers; however, they were discovered by the French, who captured the fort and renamed it Fort Duquesne. This fort became a focal point for conflict between the British and French during the French and Indian War in the mid-1700s. Eventually, in 1758, the British recaptured the fort, destroyed it, rebuilt it and named it Fort Pitt.
• During Pontiac's Rebellion, native tribes besieged Fort Pitt for two months, eventually defeated by Colonel Henry Bouquet. Evidence suggests this defeat was due at least in part to one of the earliest known records of biological warfare: Lord Jeffery Amherst ordered the distribution of smallpox-inoculated blankets to the Native Americans surrounding the fort.
• In the 1790s, workers and small farm owners rebelled against unfair tax on whiskey imposed by the federal government, in what became known as the Whiskey Rebellion (1794). President Washington responded by sending troops to quell the rebellion, setting a precedent that local citizen-based resistance to the new government would not be tolerated.
• In the 1830s, Welsh people migrated from the coal mines and steelworks of Merthyr (in South Wales) in the aftermath of the Merthyr Rising of 1831.
• The American Civil War boosted the economy of Pittsburgh, and a decade later in 1875 Andrew Carnegie founded the Edgar Thomson Steel Works (eventually becoming the Carnegie Steel Company), beginning an almost century-long dominance of the steel industry in the city (creating truly hellish pollution as a result).
• Following WWII, the city began to focus on civic revitalization, but in the 1970s and 1980s the steel industry collapsed, leaving unemployment high and the city population dwindling. Since then, economic focus has shifted to the service sector, with emphasis on education and medicine, as well as robotics and high technology.

Ancestors of the Spirit

• The ancient proto-Celts and Celts, with their priests known as the Druids (c. 800s BCE - c. 400s CE), who left evidence through archeological records, cultural heritage and evolving oral and literary traditions.
• Buddha (Siddhārtha Gautama, c. 563 - 483 BCE), Indian spiritual teacher and "the awakened one," founder of Buddhism, and the teachings of the Four Noble Truths, the Eightfold Path and anatman (no-self).
• Lao Tzu (c. 500s BCE) and Chuang Tzu (c. 300s BCE), ancient Chinese philosophers and spiritual leaders deeply influential in the founding and development of Taoism.
• Jesus of Nazareth (c. 5 BCE - c. 30 CE), Jewish spiritual leader and healer and (inadvertent?) founder of Christianity, and the teachings of the Law of Love and the Sermon on the Mount, among others.
• The monks, nuns and priests of Celtic Christianity, especially in Ireland (c. 400s - c. 700s CE), who resisted the Romanized, more imperial and urban forms of Christianity and cultivated instead a Christian tradition which embraced the sacredness of the natural world, poetry and music.
• St. Brigid of Kildare (c. 451 - 525), one of the three patron saints of Ireland, reputedly a Christian nun, abbess and bishop (though she may not be a historical figure at all, or a blending of an authentic historical figure with the myths and legends of the Pagan goddess, Brighid).
• Rumi (Jalāl ad-Dīn Muḥammad Rūmī, 1207 - 1273), thirteenth century Persian poet, theologian and Sufi mystic (his poetry in English translation by Coleman Barks).
• St. Teresa of Ávila (1515 - 1582), Spanish mystic, Catholic saint, Carmelite nun and theologian of contemplative prayer, and St. John of the Cross (1542 - 1591), Spanish mystic, Catholic saint and Carmelite friar.
• Iolo Morganwg (aka Edward Williams, 1747 - 1826), indirectly, through the influence of his forgeries in Welsh literature and poetry.
• John Keats (1795 - 1821), English Romantic poet.
• Victor Hugo (1802 - 1885), French writer, human rights activist and Romantic, as well as his fictional characters, Jean Valjean and Marius Pontmercy from the novel Les Misérables.
• William Butler Yeats (1865 - 1939), Irish writer, poet and collector of Irish poetry, legends and folklore.
• Rainer Maria Rilke (1875 - 1926), Bohemian-Austrian poet, and his poetry (in English translation by Stephen Mitchell) as well as his Letters to a Young Poet.
• Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi (1869 - 1948), Indian political activist, pacifist and writer, and his teachings of satyagraha (or "love force"), the resistance to tyranny and oppression through civil disobedience and nonviolence founded in love, truth and respect and honor for life.
• Dion Fortune (aka Violet Mary Firth Evans, 1890 - 1946), British theosophist, occultist and author.
• J.R.R. Tolkien (1892 - 1973), English writer and philologist, author of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and C.S. Lewis (1898 - 1963), English writer, theologian and Christian apologist, author of the Chronicles of Narnia.
• E.E. Cummings (1894 - 1962), American poet and essayist.
• Evangeline Walton (1907 - 1996), American author of fantasy fiction, and her retellings of the Four Branches of the Mabinogion.
• Madeleine L'Engle (1918 - 2007), American writer of young adult fiction, and her Wrinkle in Time series.
• Marion Zimmer Bradley (1930 - 1999), American author of the fantasy Mists of Avalon series.

I'm sure there are more, but this is just the list I could compile for now...

Brigid, Lady of the Star Fire

The Brighid Nebula by Randall Klopping

Meditations on Brigid: Goddess of Poetry

Brigid, Goddess of Poetry,
May you reveal an aspect of yourself to me.

Four of Cups: "There is yet a gift that you are refusing though it is offered to you."

Brigid, Goddess of Poetry, I do not understand. What gifts am I still refusing? What gifts do you offer to me?

Justice (XI): A card of balance, perspective and discernment, the ability to see yourself clearly and understand how your current circumstances arise from your past choices. The humility and lightness of being which, weighed against the feather in the goddess's gentle hands, will not be found wanting. The gift of clarity and perceptive insight, dispassionate knowledge of the interweaving world.

The Wheel of Fortune (X): A card of patterns repeating, the same stories arising, being told again and again, always new, with new lessons to share. The world interweaves as it turns, the same gold thread connecting us all as the fates spin. Here is the gift of perspective, stepping back to see the larger context, and accepting the turning tides of chance and fate with humor and hope, rather than becoming entrenched in guilt or blame.

Two of Cups: A card of unity, the blending and intertwining of opposites, the relationship that brings together in bonds of love and acceptance while also celebrating the joyful tension of difference and duality. This gift of connection and contact is fluid and ever-changing, ever-evolving. Some relationships will blossom and grow, while others will fade away. This card seek the resolution of the gift of the Ace of Cups through the mirror reflection of emotion, intuition, imagination and relationship.

Praise to you, Brigid, Goddess of Poetry. I am not sure I understand what messages you would communicate to me, yet the theme of connection and acceptance in the midst of tension and turning seems clear. I will do my best to accept your gifts, to seek your wisdom.

Brigid, Goddess of Poetry and paradox, of tension resolved into beauty — please help me to be humble, hopeful and receptive.

Awen.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:30am - 4:53pm
Moon: waxing crescent, capricorn (earth/cardinal)
Earth: windy and snowy all day, bitterly cold

Thoughts: stressing out about the PNC editorial meeting and finally making the decision to step down from the volunteer position; stressing out about the heat in the apartment being almost useless and trying to figure out a way to deal with that that won't cost us hundreds in wasted energy; stressed about Christmas/Solstice gifts; stressed about Dad telling me Mom feels left out of the wedding planning and not sure what to do about that when she's more interested in the small details and not in the stuff that actually needs to get done; stressed about finally announcing on the blog that I'll be going on "hiatus" and the fallout from that, which has been a lot of kind, supportive lip service (and friendly advice about how to monetize the blog and sell merchandise through CafePress); just, stressed in general

Actions: lots of work done today, including scheduling the final posts to go up on the blog; ran out to run errands during lunch and then after dinner; got a portable space heater to use that will hopefully help us deal with the heating problem (maybe Jeff can call about the heater tomorrow?); generally just ranted to Jeff about everything

Connections: I'm feeling exhausted and strung out, expected to make commitments to a ton of things that have no benefit to me and offer no support to my own work, let alone financial support; feeling very bitter about hypocrisy, but also really not wanting to let people down and kicking myself for berating myself and wishing I could just act selfishly (and it's not even all that selfish!) without feeling guilty; yet when it's just me and I sit down to just do the work I have to do, I feel really good about my productivity, and I feel engaged and accomplished and pleased with the work I'm doing (and that goes for paid work as well as unpaid writing work); so I just don't know anymore; this is a rough patch, I guess, is all

Daily Tarot Card: The Ace of Cups reassures that sometimes a withdrawal into dream and imagination is just the beginning, the first step towards greater depth, deeper connection and more intimate, authentic love for the self, for others and for life. This is the first drop of rain that soon becomes a storm, the first trickle from the spring that becomes a raging river. The first ripple that moves through the smooth surface of a still pond. The Ace of Cups is the gift of beginnings, the gift of discovering and entering into source, where our emotions and intuitions connect us into the greater flow of the world.

Meditations on Brigid: Lady of the Stars

Exalted Brigid, Lady of the Stars,
I seek to know you better.
Exalted Brigid, Lady of the Stars,
reveal to me an aspect of yourself.

Four of Cups: "I offer you a gift, yet you still refuse, sunk in your own revery, gazing at your own reflection."

What gifts do you offer that I am blindly refusing, Brigid, Lady of the Stars?

Knight of Pentacles: The gift of patience and steady commitment to hard work and unwavering devotion. The Knight rides the great steed of the earth itself, curling and arcing along its course with the ancient power of the deep dragon waking. He is not distracted by the temptations or distractions that abound, but sets his eyes on his goal and settles into the long, loving work of reaching it. He does not move, so much as grow, like a vine, ivy, symbol of perseverance. Though he may seem passive and still, he is unmoving only as the great stars are unmoving, turning above the earth so silently and gracefully that the eye cannot detect their movement. And yet still, they move.

The Moon (XVIII): The gift of hidden depths and unknown mysteries — the wellspring of the unconscious, the pale mirror-light of reflection, dreams and enchantment. The moon rises between the tangled limbs of forest trees, casting misleading shadows, and the symbols, images and dream-leadings of the unconscious arise to unsettle the conscious mind and disrupt carefully planned patterns. A mask itself, the moon reveals all masks and casts them off. This is the gift of the unexpected depths, the mysteries of darkness and night, the space between the stars that reveal themselves in strange fantasies and confusing patterns. Is it productive to wander by moonlight? Will the waking world accept the gifts of dreams, ideals and strange omens calling deeper? These are the wrong questions; the moon beckons us to dance, to indulge in an exploration of our own depths. With this exploration comes the gift of intuition, imagination, receptivity and grace.

The Star (XVII): The gift of hope, renewal and the gentle dance of inner and outer worlds together in harmony and balance. The star guides, and it is with joy, calm and trust that one follows that guiding, glittering light with movements that flow as naturally as the grace-blessed waters of the river and the milky way alike. Just as water flows, hope and inspiration work their own way out, and freedom that springs from within ripples outward to echo in the world all around us and in the lives of others. The star gazes on in tranquility, providing guidance and blessings simply through its nature. This is the gift of following one's own inner star as the path reveals itself before the earnest, trusting seeker's wandering feet. To follow with joy and trust is to open to generosity and gratitude.

My gratitude and praise to you, Brigid, Lady of the Stars, guiding light of my hope and exalted guardian of my trusting soul. May I serve you well, from the unknown depths to the gentle river of the stars unrolling, to the long, slow fecundity of earth that seems to sleep yet ever returns, renewed.

Awen.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:29am - 4:53pm
Moon: new moon, sagittarius (fire/mutable)
Earth: sunny for now and very cold, snow likely later in the day

Thoughts: thinking about finish the blog post and putting it up, just to get it finished; thinking about the various things I want to get done today, including a few hours of work and some housecleaning, vacuuming and especially in the bathrooms; also thinking about updating the wedding blog; eventually having to deal with Emily, send some kind of email in response to her ranting at Jeff last night and threatening to not let him see the kids because she wasn't invited to the wedding

Actions: yoga this morning, a few hours or work, then break for lunch and some cleaning, then a few more hours of work, then dinner, see what my energy level is for finishing up the blog post and posting the first part; post to wedding blog as well (poem today); tonight do some meditative work with the aspects of Brigid as per the Lady of the Stars group stuff, see how that goes

Connections: mind running noisy again this morning, hard to focus; most of what's "on my mind" is noise and chatter, not many ideas to narrow in on other than a running list of what I need to get done today; need to figure out how to clear out the mental clutter to some extent, focus in on meditation and why it doesn't seem to be helping much

Daily Tarot Card: The Page of Cups is a card of (perhaps yet unrealized) potential for emotional depth and psychic abilities, dwelling in dream and imagination, reveling in a romantic, almost idealistic relationship to the world. There is some small risk of not having the maturity to manifest all of the self-realization and potential one is capable of, but there is also great promise held within this card. Pui-Mun Law writes, "The Page of Cups is sentimental. She is a true romantic at heart, and in a world that is filled with so much noise and bustle, she longs for the time and space to simply breathe and to truly take in the pleasures that abound."

(My note: Sound familiar? I'm thinking I may need to approach meditation in the mornings differently, perhaps delaying the diary entry until the evening and spending the morning time instead simply getting focused and quieting the mind. Also, for several nights in a row now I've had what seem to be vivid or intense dreams, though they're often hard to recall afterwards. They leave me with the impression of having witnessed a story. Perhaps this card is also a reminder, once again, to pursue some creative writing as an alternative to blogging. And to stop just talking about it and get my butt in gear.)

Daily Diary

Days of Note: New Moon (Star Frost Moon)

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:28am - 4:53pm
Moon: new moon, star frost moon, sagittarius (fire/mutable)
Earth: snowing all day, sometimes quite heavily, a good inch or so on the ground now, sun sometimes breaking low through the clouds in the afternoon

Thoughts: last night, struggled with some frustration and sadness over feeling ignored and unsupported in my writing, especially when it came to the blogging, but this morning woke up once again in a good mood; turns out, Emily had sent an email to Jeff saying she was hurt about not being invited to the wedding and not being "kept in the loop" on the plans (this was from a few days ago, Jeff hadn't seen the email until this morning), so we spent some time discussing how to respond and he sent an email response this morning asking for clarification on what exactly she was upset about and why (I suggested he point out that, since there was less than six months between when she and Jeremy announced they were engaged and then tied the knot, receiving our save the date card more than ten months in advance of our wedding should certainly count as "being in the loop" and planning ahead - but he decided not to include that because he didn't trust his memory, though I definitely remember because they made the announcement to us in late November/early December of last year when we met to discuss Savanah's schooling options, and they were married in early June); other than that, I've been brainstorming about a project to develop my own divination system of castings using natural objects, but I want to spend more time with the tarot before rushing off to a new system, especially since it's been working so well so far

Actions: yoga this morning, despite not really wanting to, but very glad I did since I've felt loose and energetic all day (the first day since starting up yoga again that I haven't been sore); then a nice breakfast with the kids, then a trip to Phipps where the younger two got to sit on Santa's lap and get a picture with him, and in general we had a very nice time; then back here for Savanah's Druidry lesson (write up coming later tonight or tomorrow); while Jeff dropped off the kids, I spent some time fiddling with blog layout and settings, trying to find one that looks classy to use for the wedding blog; probably just relaxing for the rest of the evening

Connections: as usual, my thoughts while the kids are here are dominated by Emily-related stress and complications, which is only to be expected; I find it's becoming easier and easier to laugh it off and move on to more important things, and to take her tantrums and tirades with a certain amount of grace and good humor; Savanah seems to be getting a lot out of her Druidry work and enjoying it, though she continues to act intimidated by the simple journaling questions we give her, which makes me wonder if she's being challenged by homeschooling (is she not doing enough independent work and thinking for herself? she just finished a big group project that involved researching lung cancer and building robots... how could that seem less daunting than asking her to journal about her favorite aspects of earth, air, fire and water? how much of that work was truly self-directed, and how much was helicopter-parent directed, I wonder?)

Daily Tarot Card: The Queen of Cups is a nexus of creativity and intuitive connection, a meeting and blending between the realm of the everyday ordinary and the depths of the unconscious. She enjoys a mature relationship with those around her while remaining open to the more mysterious currents of intuition and imagination, navigating the flux and chaos of unconscious forces as they play themselves out within herself and others. She seeks the wisdom of the ocean depths and the far-distant stars, and balances these with her own inner wisdom, acting in the world with deft emotional sensitivity and harmony to what goes on around her. What seem to be flights of fancy or missteps into potentially dangerous territory are, for her, paths of connection and creativity that she treads with trust and grace.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:27am - 4:53pm
Moon: new moon, sagittarius (fire/mutable)
Earth: cold, slightly cloudy, no snow but generally rather dim and wintery

Thoughts: feeling fatigued, worn out; mind wandering over various writing projects, potential fiction writing; also spending time on Facebook, thinking about "No Impact Man" and his backward philosophy of eco-friendly consumerism; reading some in the Plotkin book and contemplating elderhood and wisdom

Actions: a lazy day today; I'd planned to work a few more hours, but I'm feeling generally quite tired and drained, so I've just been poking around the house and spending some time online; my back and arm muscles feel sore from yoga, which probably just means I need to be doing it more consistently in the mornings to loosen up and build strength; the two oldest girls have some big homeschooling-related thing today, so they've been gone all morning and Jeff's taken the two littler ones to go to a presentation and then pick them up; afterwards, dinner and general quiet time (I hope), maybe a walk in the park or a nap

Connections: generally feeling worn out, so not sure of any connections; thoughts meandering, and I find that I have the desire to curl up with a good book for a while; wish there were more really good fiction books to read... which is what has me thinking about writing one myself (they always say write the book you want to read)

Daily Tarot Card: Once again, I draw the Page of Wands, but as I cut the deck, it seems to divide too easily, so that I wonder if the card itself has been bent in some way to make it more likely to draw. I do not see the relevance of the Page of Wands, bursting with enthusiasm and energy and the center of attention, and so I draw again. The Ten of Wands, a card of burden-bearing and perhaps taking on too much, trying to do everything, often the hard way and sometimes when not everything needs doing. A great weight rests on her back - I can only imagine she must feel as sore as I do right now. But still, I'm not satisfied with the reading, so I draw yet again: the Ace of Cups. A card of beginnings, fruitfulness and potential, the Ace of Cups overflows with love, emotion and connection, sending ripples out into the world and giving us a glimpse of our own intuition, imagination and creativity, source of our dreams and fantasies. I am reminded that today is my "Wellkeeping" shift - perhaps a good day to explore dream and fantasy through some creative work, relieved of the burden of new projects and old for a little while.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:26am - 4:54pm
Moon: waning crescent, scorpio (water/fixed)
Earth: cold and cloudy, below freezing and snow on and off again all day

Thoughts: thinking about the wedding and the beach, wanting to get into better shape and get a better handle on my diet, not that it's so bad, but it could be better; thinking about work and trying to get in another good chunk of hours today

Actions: got up early this morning and did yoga with Jeff; work for several hours in the morning, then lunch (maybe going out somewhere, as a treat?); then spend the afternoon working on Savanah's stuff for this week and trying to flesh out the rest of the outline

Connections: my mind feels chatty and a bit distracted today, but no real substantive thoughts occupying it; I suspect this might be at least in part due to a bit of poor sleep because of aching back and muscles; want to find a way to make sure my posture remains good throughout the day today; otherwise - actually looking forward to the weekend as a break from work

Daily Tarot Card: The Page of Wands plunges into action with child-like joy and enthusiasm, plenty of energy to spare. The card represents the urge to action, with straightforward eagerness and simplicity which can sweep others up in its energy and carry them along with her wit, charm, creativity and passion. She can be both forthright and innocent, and in this way she often finds herself the center of attention. She emphasizes action, taking the plunge and pushing yourself to your limits, perhaps even beyond.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:25am - 4:54pm
Moon: waning crescent, scorpio (water/fixed)
Earth: gray, on and off snow all day, the tiny, crystalline kind that looks like glitter in the air and hardly sticks

Thoughts: woke up around 4am and couldn't fall back asleep for about two hours, spent that time turning ideas for a novel over in my mind, brainstorming ideas until eventually I drifted back into sleep and dreaming; today, mostly focused on getting work done and meeting the challenges of mastering the software, worrying about being good enough and trying to speed up the learning curve for this new task they have me doing; now thinking over Raymond's letter and trying to think of a way to respond

Actions: slept in this morning, breakfast and then right to work, spent a god chunk of the day plugging away, break for lunch (amazed at the idiocy of the government, courtesy of the Daily Show); late afternoon, took a walk in the park briefly, then meditation; tonight, dinner and then doing some more unpacking and organizing the closet and dressers just like the past two nights (making good progress)

Connections: not much time for miscellaneous thought today, as the work task takes a lot of focus for long stretches at a time; most of what I did think about was directly related to increasing my efficiency and accuracy for work

Daily Tarot Card: The Eight of Wands indicates the end of one phase, but the restless energy and momentum that will carry you through to the next, drifting wild and free on the wind in keeping with your nature, following hope and enthusiasm towards the next task, the next project, the next possibility for setting down roots and undertaking yet a new phase of growth. A new day is dawning, and your concern is to do the right thing at the right time, to stay attuned to the shifts and currents in the winds, to follow through on your commitments and finish old projects so that you have the freedom to pursue new ones with all your attention and energy.

Daily Diary

Days of Note: First Snow

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:24am - 4:54pm
Moon: waning crescent, libra (air/cardinal)
Earth: cold and dim, first substantial snow of the season (sticking to the ground), supposed to snow all day for the next few days

Thoughts: feeling energetic and awake, almost too much so that I've had some trouble sleeping the past few nights; thinking about the Lady of the Stars ritual group and wanting to get back to the forum (also wanting to do nightly meditation work, I think, in addition to morning stuff); mind kind of rambling over many different things, including finishing the W&P article today and sending it off, and what my next contractor work project is going to be

Actions: yoga this morning; wedding wednesday today, which means printing up the labels to put on the Save the Dates, going out to the post office to mail the StDs, swinging by the bank (and grocery store), also possibly setting up some posts to the wedding blog; also, finish the intro and conclusion for the W&P article and email it to the editor; find out what my new project is for work and plunge in (get some substantial hours in over the next few days, before Ryan changes his mind again about what he wants me to be working on); also, want to take a walk in the woods with my camera sometime late this afternoon just before sunset

Connections: brain is just in slightly hyper mode, I guess, and I'm feeling very enthusiastic about things; it's nice to be (almost) out from under this article, especially knowing it'll actually bring in some money, and also to be almost out from under the blog, which will free me up to focus on contractor work for a little while and maybe some hands-on spiritual work like meditation, guitar, craft projects, things like that...

Daily Tarot Card: The Eight of Wands indicates the beginning of a long journey ahead, setting off on a new adventure as the old comes to a close. It is a card of energy, enthusiasm and hope which speeds us on our way, spinning through the world like seeds on the wind, eager to put down new roots and burst into bud and bloom. Old tasks will wrap up quickly, as our forward momentum carries us on to the next project or activity.

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable); 7:23am - 4:54pm
Moon: waning crescent, libra (air/cardinal)
Earth: mild, steady rain all day

Thoughts: thinking about craft ideas for Christmas/Solstice gifts, as well as crafting three realms image and star fire goddess image; thinking about tomorrow's tasks for wedding wednesday and contacting people for addresses; Emily wants to have Savanah's tonsils removed, though we're not sure why and Savanah hasn't been showing any negative symptoms (even according to Emily); wondering what my next project for work is going to be; thinking about finishing the final-goodbye post for the blog; also need to finish the nonprofit tax status article (just get it done!)

Actions: yoga this morning; email a few people about addresses; finish tax article and email it; get started on new work project (if Ryan lets me know what exactly it's going to be); probably need to bring clothes up from the basement (in case of flooding over the next few days, but also just to finally unpack now that I have room)

Connections: money will continue to be an issue as long as Emily keeps inventing reasons to take the kids to the doctor when they're not showing symptoms of anything - I think Jeff and I are both beginning to worry about Emily's grip on reality and her ability to distinguish her health issues from the kids' health issues; also, getting the urge to do crafts again, which is hard to resist as a distraction from the more difficult work of getting an article written (but really don't want to flake on the editor, since as an editor myself on occasion I know how annoying flakey writers can be)

Daily Tarot Card: The Six of Wands is a card of victory and success, triumph over difficult odds - it is the completion of a cycle of events, but also the beginning of a new one. Hard work has yielded positive results already, but you feel a gnawing urge to move on, to stay sharp and active and to confront the next challenge head-on rather than waiting for it to find you. There is positive, proactive energy in this card, but also tension and potential conflict as success inevitably draws envious attention. Celebrate and appreciate the progress you have made so far, but stay on your toes and keep striving to ensure your progress continues. (My notes: I'm starting to think this card has something to do with this on-going issue with Emily about her inability to show financial responsibility for the kids. We have made some progress in this area, though it's been hard won, and every success seems to bring about some new way for her to spend Jeff's money - on the other hand, each new way gets a little more bizarre and harder to justify, so continuing to work at finding reasonable compromises will, hopefully, continue to bear fruit.)

Daily Diary

Sun: sagittarius (fire/mutable), 7:22am - 4:55pm
Moon: last quarter, virgo (earth/mutable)
Earth: quite cold, sunny, cloudless sky

Thoughts: Emily's website for her new "home business" is (in Jeff's words) "abhorrent" in how much it uses over-the-top enthusiasm combined with scare tactics and blatant consumerism, and does very much make the whole thing look like a pyramid scheme - just needed to get that out there; I'm anxious about finishing this article for W&P, and also about the eventual meeting for the PNC Editorial, though still not sure when that will be; also a bit anxious about writing a final post for the blog before going on hiatus (though this one is more being unsure how to put it, but still eager to make the official break and shift my focus); also, thinking about my work for the day and sending my first invoice to Ryan

Actions: going to Panera this morning for breakfast after swinging by the bank, spending some time this morning gathering data for the W&P article and trying to draw up an outline, after lunch running to the co-op for weekly groceries, then back here to do contractor work (depending on what Ryan has to say, if anything, on what I've done so far); at some point, I want to try to organize my new closet space some and finally unpack my clothes from the boxes in the basement

Connections: a lot of worry about other people's expectations and not feeling up to them, as well as being braced to feel annoyed by certain people (Emily, Cara, etc.) - definitely feeling pressure to withdraw from the world, or at least the online world for a while and just do my own thing, but not wanting to let anyone down or fall through on my commitments

Daily Tarot Card: The Chariot (VII) represents the role of the ego, our conscious sense of self, as a director of our actions and an expression of our will. Reigning in the wild impulses of our human animal natures, we strive to present to the world a coherent, individuated self-identity capable of navigating the challenges and obstacles of a world in constant flux and change around us. The Chariot represents the victory of healthy ego-formation, which expresses itself through self-confidence, discipline, focused intent and poise. (My note: This seems to be a card of advice today, suggesting that I need to call upon my willpower to push through these tasks to completion.)